The Bitter End Way to Go

I want you to kill me. I'm Julia. Paddy's daughter.

This is very exciting, isn't it? Our second assisted suicide in a week.

And all together, now. Come on.

Start finding people at the old-age home

that want us to help them finish themselves off, would you?

Wouldn't you love to be back with him?

JOEY: Do you ever worry, with her being a copper, she might be a lesbo?

-My wife's not a lesbo.

-Ah!

Are you still going out with that girl?

Didn't seem like she'd be any good in the sack.

-Is this the boyfriend?

-I don't have a boyfriend.

You're ripe.

I bet that pierced lip of yours would feel good

against the delicate skin of my stinky pickle.

Get off your brother right now!

There's more to life than money.

-What's wrong with him?

-He's in love.

# Baby, we're the chosen ones and living the dream

# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me

# Yeah, I'm a better man This is the superstar luck machine. #

-Condoms. Condoms.

-Yes, absolutely.

-Oh, I...I forgot condoms.

-Um... I think I've got one in my purse.

Oh, you're amazing.

I got it.

-Argh!

-What's wrong?

-What?

-You screamed.

With excitement!

I usually wait longer than this, Scott.

I do. But this last week has just been...amazing.

I know. Why couldn't I have met you sooner?

It was my dad. He put us together.

-What?

-If he hadn't have died,

we never would have met.

He arranged this whole thing. I sincerely believe that. Don't you?

Course I do.

So, you ready? Cos I'm ready.

Absolutely, yeah, yeah.

Oh, shit. Erm...

-Oh!

-Wait.

Let me put it on, eh?

(Go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away.)

Scott?

-What?

-Um...

..it's not, um...

-Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

-No, don't...

-It's not you. I swear.

-It's fine. Honestly, it happens.

-What, you've seen this before?

-Yeah, of course.

I mean, never in person, only on the TV. Yeah, but yeah.

Look, maybe we just need to... to start again, you know?

How about Saturday night?

You come over, we have some wine, dinner, maybe a bit of dancing?

And then whatever happens...

-just happens.

-And it WILL happen.

I promise. Or I will cut the damn thing off.

Mm. Hello, Mr Science Man!

Would you like some pussy?

Cos I'M probably more pussy than you can handle.

-Now, THAT is real comedy.

-Yes, like Shakespeare, only wittier.

You want to stick your hand in some pussy?

Cos you can stick your hand in me.

Leave me alone. I'm trying to concentrate.

What you doing, anyway?

You get 14 years for assisting a suicide,

so, basically, I'm saving our arses.

See, after each suicide,

I fill the empty Pemrutox bottles with coloured water

and place them behind the real drugs at the clinic.

That way, everything always looks up to snuff.

Then I order a new shipment from the suppliers,

so by the end of the week,

I can replace the water-filled bottles with the new ones

and Dr Jill never suspects a thing.

-Clever, eh?

-You're the mutt's nuts, Scotty!

I can't believe you kept that.

He used to torture me with that when we were kids.

I can't get rid of it. Grandad gave it to me the day before he died.

Yeah, and the day AFTER he died,

he gave me a vintage watch worth £10,000.

Which you pawned five years ago to lose in a poker tournament,

-you twat.

-Oh, so edgy.

Are you not relaxed since you've been buttering the muffin?

-THEY SNIGGER

-What muffin?

The lady's? You know, docking your dinghy in the hairy boathouse?

-It's none of your business.

-He hasn't put it in.

-PHONE RINGS

-Not even the tip.

Hello? Joey.

Mr Rothstein...

So, what's going on with Julia? She's not fridge-iligious, is she?

-What the hell is fridge-iligious?

-It's when you're religious

and you're afraid God will strike you down for having sex for fun,

instead of for babies, so you go frigid - you know, fridge-iligious.

Oh, it's nothing to do with Julia. It's me.

Oh, shit. You can't get it up.

I can, just not with her. I've got a kind of mental block or something.

The kind caused by homosexuality?

No. It's just...

Look, I helped Julia's dad off himself and...

I guess I feel guilty about having a secret from her, that's all.

Oh, yeah. Of course. Impo-guilt. Very common.

Guys...we've got another one.

He's got some sort of degenerative brain disease.

-Has it affected how he acts?

-Oh, yeah. He's insane.

He lights candles on Fridays, speaks some strange foreign language,

wears a little beanie on his head.

Sounds like he's an Orthodox Jew, you twat.

Yeah, he's still a nut job. Not the nuttiest, though.

-Right, Mr O'Malley?

-I'm a little girl!

Yeah, sure you are.

-Mr Rothstein?

-Ah, Joey, my son. Come in, come in.

-I didn't wake you, did I?

-Ah, what difference does it make?

By the end of the week, I should be asleep for ever.

Now, then, which one's your brother?

The one who looks like he hasn't had anything to eat, or the one who looks

-as if he's had everybody else's food.

-That's a bit mean.

I'm Scott. I'm the one who will be assisting you.

Ah, Scott. Have you ever heard of Moses?

Baby in a basket with a beard? Yeah, sure.

He died on the 7th of Adar,

exactly 120 years to the moment he was born.

The exact moment.

A perfect circle,

symbolising completion, wholeness and pure serenity.

-Do you know why I'm telling you this?

-Not a clue.

Because this Sunday morning at 6:47 is the anniversary of MY birth.

And it's also the moment that I want to die.

This guy is Looney Tunes.

And yet my hearing is fine.

Now, this is very important to me, Scott,

and I'm willing to pay a lot of money to make it happen.

-Can you do it?

-Of course I can.

We'll get here early Sunday morning so you're all hooked up

and ready to pull the plug any time you want.

There is one caveat.

I can't do it without a Jew here

to say the Shema with me before I die.

And considering that what we're doing is illegal,

I'm sure you wouldn't want me asking any of my Jewish friends.

Er...no, no, no, of course not. But, er...that's OK because, er...

-Cozzo is Jewish.

-I am?

I mean, I am, er...

Oh, of course...

it had to be the schmuck.

Come here, schmuck.

I want you to have this as a gift for doing this for me.

My father's tefillin.

He used to wrap them around his arms every morning and pray.

They're the holiest objects I possess, and I hope you like them.

Like 'em? Huh!

-These are at the top of my Jew-wish list.

-Good.

Now, get out of here, everybody, and leave me alone.

My daughter's bought me all of Doctor Who on DVD,

and I'm trying to catch up before I die.

So, I finally got to this Fifty Shades Of Grey book, with the S&M.

-It's absolutely disgusting.

-Well, hang in there.

-You might get a few ideas.

-Yeah.

I could clamp your balls in a vice.

Mm. Do you know any Jewish people?

Jewish people? Yeah, of course I do. Linda's Jewish.

Linda's Jewish? I can't believe it. She seems so normal.

Cozzo! That's a terrible thing to say.

No, no, no, I'm not... not trying to sound judgmental.

What I'm saying is Jewish people are bat-shit crazy.

I mean, look at this. They've got so many laws and customs.

Did you know they're not allowed to eat bacon?

Yeah, of course I know that.

-Well, then, how do they live?

-Without bacon.

That's impossible. It's like trying to live without air - you can't.

What is with you? Why the sudden fascination in Judaism?

Why? Well, cos, you know, with the little one on its way,

I...I think it's important to study all religions, you know?

So we can teach him to understand others and...

and live together in spiritual harmony.

I mean, even the freaky ones that cut off their dicks.

If you're talking about circumcision, they only cut the foreskin off.

It's barbaric. I mean, baby's lying there, big eyes,

brand-new to the world.

"Oh, fantastic! I've just been born! How exciting!"

And then all of a sudden,

someone just comes in and slices off his knob.

You know, Mike, my boyfriend at university, he was Jewish.

He had the nicest penis I ever saw.

Except for mine, of course.

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

SLAP!

Damn fleas.

Oh, good. You're here.

-What is it?

-Ginger's really declining.

He won't even eat the chicken and rice no more.

-I don't know what to do.

-OK, let's get him into the exam room.

The woman's a mess. I'm going to need you to hold down her dog.

You like holding down animals that bite, don't you?

Let's go.

-He was always such an happy dog.

-You can never be TOTALLY sure.

I mean, they can't talk.

Right.

Here we go.

Oh, Ginger, baby!

My sweet, sweet Ginge!

I'd do anything to hear you bark again.

DOG WHINES

Holy shit! DOG BARKS

Ginge? You're back. He's back!

He didn't want to die!

It's a miracle! Hallelujah!

Mwah!

I feel terrible. There's a woman out there

that believes her dog is the second coming of Christ.

Did you know Jews don't celebrate Christmas?

Of course not. They're Jewish.

But Jesus was Jewish. What a kick in the tits for the guy.

Which reminds me, did you ever get the drugs

to help Mr Rothstein off himself?

Couldn't. The horny bitch I work for

was hovering over me my entire shift, with her boobs in my face.

Oh, my God, that sounds awful. Is she taking anyone on?

It's constant sexual harassment in that place.

Last night, when I was sweeping up, she smacked me on my arse.

Why don't you just poke her so she can get you out of her system?

I'd rather poke YOU.

I'm always open for business, Scotty. You can come in the back door.

Oh, I wish I could quit that job,

but it's the only way we can get the drugs.

Actually, I know a guy that can get 'em for us.

-You what?

-Yeah, he gets everything.

He got me some super-strong painkillers

for after my fingers were broken. I felt so relaxed, I pooed my pants.

How come you never mentioned this?

It was embarrassing. It went all down my legs.

No, I mean the guy!

The only reason I've been putting up with the sexual harassment

is so I could have access to the Pemrutox, you stupid knob!

-You know, a "thank you" would be nice.

-Urgh!

-Ah!

-You all right?

-All right?

So, Joey here tells me you guys are interested

in buying pharmaceuticals in bulk?

-Can you arrange that?

-I can get hold of pretty much anything you like.

Xanax, Vicodin, OxyContin, Adderall. What's your poison?

Er...er...Pemrutox.

-What the hell is that?

-It kills dogs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You never said nothing

about supplying you with stuff to kill dogs.

Oh, no, no. We're not using it to kill dogs -

-we're using it to kill people.

-Joey!

-People?!

Well, that's all right, then.

Oh, thank God! I can finally get away from that arse-grabbing whore.

Could you get it by Saturday?

We've got a job first thing in the morning.

The earliest I can do is 9pm. Meet me here with a grand,

and I'll sort you out with a full box of shit.

-A full box of shit.

-Oh, no.

I just remembered. I've got a date with Julia, Saturday night.

-I absolutely cannot cancel.

-Well, that's fine.

Give me your share of the money, I'll bring it.

That's a great idea. Cozzo,

I'll give you my share of the money, and you can bring it.

-Don't you trust me?

-Obviously not.

-Fine. I'll see you then.

-Excuse me.

Mr Drug Man, sir. Er...while we've got you,

you don't happen to have any of those pills

that give you an erection?

It's just a, er...a friend of mine is having trouble getting it up.

-Cozzo! What are you doing?

-20 quid each.

For a bloody boner?

I'll take one.

Cozzo? What is this I found under the bed?

Oh, shit.

It's got boxes and leather straps. What is it?

It's part of my religious research, actually.

Turns out Jewish people tie themselves all up in it

when they pray. I'm sure your, er...ex-boyfriend

with his beautiful penis showed you that.

Oh, my God. Look at you.

-You're jealous.

-No, I'm not.

-Yes, you are.

-Maybe a little.

Oh, Cozzo. You're so silly.

-So, they really tie themselves up, huh?

-Yeah, they do.

Like on page 231 in my book?

-I've got a belt.

-I've got some scarves.

-Don't you have handcuffs?

-Ah! Yes, I have.

-Let's do it!

-Come on, let's go!

THEY GROWL AND SQUEAL

BELL TINKLES

-Hi, Neil. Where's the doctor?

-Room 3.

Can you work Saturday night?

I've got a...a magic convention that I'd really like to go to.

Sorry, mate. I'm disappearing from this place for ever.

I'll teach you how to shuffle cards...

magically.

-There she is.

-Hello, Scott.

Oh, don't "hello, Scott" me.

I've had enough of your mouth telling me what to do

and how to do it, especially with your face in my arse.

Well, that's all done with now, "doctor",

cos when it comes to this stupid, dead-end, getting groped

by my way-past-her-prime-boss job,

you can blow it out of your arse,

you psycho-nympho bitch!

GIRL: Mummy, what's that man talking about?

DOOR CREAKS

Hi.

Sorry about that.

And the dog.

Going to go now.

DOOR CREAKS

DOORBELL RINGS

I'm coming! Jesus! Hold on!

Let's go. Todd's waiting with the drugs.

-I don't think I can.

-What?

-Debbie's not feeling too good. It's the baby.

-What?

So you want me to go on my own?

-DEBBIE:

-Cozzo?

-I'll be right there!

She's, er...she's been throwing up all night.

I can't go to a drug deal by myself. That's WAY too dangerous.

Too dangerous?! Christ, Joey. You're the toughest guy I know.

-What, not even for an hour?

-DEBBIE:

-My hands are turning blue!

She's in a right mess.

-DEBBIE:

-The blindfold's just fallen off.

Er...it's light sensitivity. It means the baby's growing.

-Oh.

-Right, here's my money.

And there's Scott's. Now go.

-Look, Cozzo...

-Shh. Just go.

-Cozzo...

-Go!

Look...

-DEBBIE:

-I really need to pee!

Not in the bed!

MUSIC: "Mississippi Isabel" by King Charles

# Well, I found out about her Her name's Mississippi Isabel

# She grows wild strawberries She's made of ivory and pearl

# To look at the universe She'd abandoned the world

# I'd go with her to the darkness Abandon my life for this girl

# I rode around on my bicycle all the way in the rain

# She kissed me once I took her out for lunch

# And she never kissed me again

# I rode around on my bicycle all the way in the rain

# She kissed me once I took her out for lunch

# And she never kissed me again

# Her beauty knows no tick of time She's the song of the nightingale

# The torture and the remedy The tragedy in the passionate tale

# And I begged for forgiveness... #

Oh, shit.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Shit! Shit! Shit!

Erm...er...be...be right there!

-Scott?

-Erm...yeah.

Give...give me a sec! I'm...I'm just trying to make everything perfect!

HE WHIMPERS

What's going on in there?

I'm coming!

HE RETCHES

Oh.

HE GASPS AND GROANS

Ugh.

Eurgh.

Well, hello, my lady.

Oh, wow. This looks amazing.

Yes, I did.

I mean, er...yes, I did.

Well... Someone's had some wine.

Ah, just a pigeon. Er...spigeon.

Spidge.

Smidge!

-I had a pigeon.

-OK, then.

I just had one glass, I swear,

but then I had another glass and... then I just kept on not stopping.

Everything's going to be fine.

-Really?

-Yes.

Do you think I'm cute?

Very.

-You're welcome.

-THEY BOTH CHUCKLE

Yes, coming.

I'm on my way.

-How are YOU feeling?

-Good.

Yeah, great. I just, um... I feel bad about spilling the sauce.

No, it's fine. They're only shoes.

I can always...buy some more.

What about your handbag?

-You spilt something on my handbag?

-IN your handbag.

I'm sorry. I just... I just want everything to be perfect.

It IS perfect.

Then we'll just wait till taze phoo.

Taze phoo?

"Phase two" is what I was...

trying to say.

First I'm going to lose the you.

(The toilet.)

Oh, right. Right.

-You're funny!

-Yeah.

HAMMERING AT DOOR

I got robbed!

Jesus! God! What happened?

Well, I was on the way to the drop,

and these two enormous guys came up behind me

and hit me over the back of the head and took everything!

-I tried to fight 'em, I really did.

-Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Where's Cozzo?

Debbie's sick.

And they got me on the floor and they started punching me in the face.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You...you were alone with the money?

I have never seen guys this big.

It was like a weightlifter and a basketballer screwed each other,

and they had twins,

-and then THEY screwed each other...

-Ketchup?

..then they hit me over the head with two ketchup bottles.

Are you fucking kidding me?

We've got a job first thing tomorrow

and we don't have the drugs because you gambled away the money!

-I nearly doubled it.

-We've got to go now.

I was so close! JULIA: Are you OK? It sounded like...

Oh, my God! What happened?

Er...Julia, this is my...my brother.

Some...someone hit him on the head with a ketchup bottle.

Wow! You are proper sexy.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, he'll...he'll be fine.

I just need to get him to hospital, so someone can stitch his face,

erm...but I'll be right back.

-Well, maybe I should just go?

-Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please.

Cos, look, I've been looking forward to this night all my life,

and...and I promise you, please, I'll...I'll be right back.

Mwah!

-See you later.

-No!

Can I help you, sir?

There's something very wrong with my cat.

-What's the matter with it?

-Here. Take a look.

Miaow!

HE COUGHS

Atchoo!

-Can you hear how sick she is?

-It's a puppet.

A puppet? What's that? Is that a...a breed or something?

No, it's...it's a puppet.

Miaow!

Urgh! Urgh!

-She's so sad.

-Your hand is inside of its arse and you're making it move.

What are you talking about? What's he talking about?

Miaow. Don't know.

-So, now it speaks English?

-That was just an accident.

-You're out of your head. Go! Go on!

-Miaow!

Mee-ee-ee-eeh!

Go! Go away!

HE RETCHES I don't like cats!

Don't like... Go, you stupid...stupid...

Fuck off! YOWLING

-Miaow! Ah!

-You hairy mess!

-Ah! Ah! Ah!

-Hairy mess!

HISSES I'm not afraid of you!

MIAOWING AND YOWLING

-Scott?

-Oh, no.

What the hell are you doing here?

What are YOU doing here? That's the question.

-You're drunk.

-You're tall.

-I'm phoning the police.

-No, no, no, no. Please.

I...I feel bad about how we left things,

and I just wanted to come and...

How can I put this?

Don't say another word.

Please don't call the police.

-I know exactly why you're here.

-You do?

Oh, shit.

Oh! Oh, God!

That was the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life!

And it was all because of you! You!

What a waste of a perfectly good boner.

But you did get the drugs, right?

-Argh!

-Ah!

Ah!

Dick.

Julia?

Shit!

OK, Mr Rothstein, you're all hooked up and ready to go.

It's a real mitzvah, what you boys are doing -

keeping a man from suffering like this.

-A real blessing.

-That's why we do it.

-And the money.

Mind you, no-one ever said you shouldn't earn a living.

Come over here, Cozzo.

Oh, it would be great to get a bacon bagel for breakfast, wouldn't it?

But we can't, cos we're Jewish.

Are you ready to say the Shema?

I've been ready since my Bar Mitzvah.

# Sh'ma Yisrael... # COZZO MIMICS HIM

# ..Adonai

# Eloheinu

# Adonai

# Ehad. #

Oh, that was beautiful.

Thank you. Although, I've never perfected that...

"clearing your throat" sound we all do so well.

And you know what made it even more beautiful?

That you're not even Jewish.

What? No, of course I am.

-I'm a total munch.

-Mensch.

-Mensch!

-Yes, you are.

Because you took the time to learn the prayer, and that's all I needed.

Now, bend over here so I can touch your head.

-Why?

-Just come down here.

How many times do I have to ask?

May God bless you and keep you.

May He shine His face on you and be gracious to you.

And may God lift His face to you and give you peace.

Amen.

-Amen.

-Amen.

What time is it, Scott?

About that time.

-Tell me when.

-Seven...

six...

five...

four...three...two...

CLICK

These people are crazy.

You're going to love the lattes.

They make little animals out of the foam,

and when you pour sugar on their faces,

they kind of cave in and look like mentally challenged animals.

That's nice.

You're still upset about the other night.

Look, I may not know a lot about relationships,

-but I know when one's not working.

-No, Julia. That's not true.

Oh, come on, let's be honest. You haven't been able to...

-Julia...

-Which is fine.

And maybe it is me.

My left breast is a little bit lower than my right one.

No, no! I love the smaller breast!

-I said lower.

-That one too.

-You got drunk and ran away.

-No, that was my brother.

Look. Some things work out, and others just don't,

and that's life.

-But I love you.

-What?

I do. I knew the second I saw you.

And, look, maybe you're not supposed to say this stuff so quickly,

cos you'll scare the other person away,

but if I'm going to lose you anyway, then you might as well know.

Scott...

Just give me another chance. Please.

Look, shall I get down on my knees?

-No.

-I'll do it.

-Oh...

-I'll get down on my knees.

-Get up!

-Not until you say OK.

-Scott.

-Say OK.

OK!

-Really?

-Yes. Get up.

-I actually quite like it down here.

-Stop it!

Here. Smile.

CLICK

Now, does that look like a happy couple or what?

Well, my left breast looks a bit small.

I'm sorry.

I think I'm ready.

-What?

-Let's forget the lattes.

Oh!

-Right.

-I'll grab our coats.

-We'll go back to my place.

-Perfect.

Here you go, so you don't miss me.

SHE SNORTS

MOBILE BEEPS

Come on, let's go.

What's this?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

"Had a great time last night. Can't wait to do it again."

No, no. I...I can explain.

Two lattes?

You don't understand. She's my boss.

Shit.

If it's a boy, I want to have him circumcised.

# Everybody seems to have it better than me

# So I'm getting hold of fame and I'll shine it on me

# I'll be a better man

# This is the superstar luck machine

# And all the things in the dark Yeah, baby, they won't matter

# Baby, we're the chosen ones We're living the dream

# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me

# Yeah, I'm a better man

# This is the superstar luck machine. #