Dead End Way to Go

This programme contains adult humour and strong language.

It's just that I helped Julia's dad off himself and...

I feel guilty about having a secret from her.

-I've got a belt.

-I've got some scarves.

-Don't you have handcuffs?

-Ah! Yes, I have.

Oh, I wish I could quit that job.

-It's the only way we can get the drugs.

-I know a guy that can get 'em. What's your poison?

I can finally get away from that arse-grabbing whore.

Cos when it comes to this dead-end,

getting groped by my way-past-her-prime boss job,

you can blow it out of your arse, you psycho-nympho bitch!

-20 quid each.

-For a bloody boner?

-I'll take one.

Scott? What's going on in there?

Hold on. We don't have the drugs because you gambled away the money!

-Go away!

-HE RETCHES

-I know exactly why you're here.

-Oh, shit.

Oh! Oh, God! That was the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life!

-Ah!

-"Had a great time last night. Can't wait to do it again."

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You don't understand. She's my boss.

# Baby, we're the chosen ones and living the dream

# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me

-# Yeah, I'm a better man This is the superstar luck machine.

-#

No, Scott, stop! You can't do this!

-Course I can. It's easy.

-Easy!

-I press down on this lever here, and within seconds, you're dead.

-Dead!

-Stop doing that.

-Doing that!

-No! I'm your bloody brother!

-Please don't!

-Please don't what?

Gamble away all the money we needed to buy Pemrutox

so I have to nick it from work, nearly get caught by my boss

and have to bang her to get her off my trail?

Is that what you mean by "please don't"?

I just meant please don't murder me, not any of that other stuff.

-You had to bang your boss? What was that like?

-The worst moment of my life.

Really? Cos for me, sex is like pizza. Even the worst is good.

-After we kill him, can we go for pizza?

-OK, OK, OK, OK! I get it.

Look, it was my fault that you had sex with your boss, OK?

But, really, what's the big deal?

My girlfriend found out and left me, you cock!

-It's not my fault you don't know how to cheat! That's it. We're done.

-Oh, no! Fine!

OK. But I've lined up another client.

And if you kill me, I will never tell you who it is.

Who is it?

-HE LAUGHS

-You see? There it is.

-Now who's in charge?

-Pull the lever.

-Happily.

-She's got terminal cancer!

OK? I got talking to her at the King's.

And in fact, she said meet her back there in an hour.

I'm going to say this once, and once only.

You're getting help with your gambling or you're finished.

Absolutely. If you've got a better tipster, then let me know.

You're going to a gamblers addiction support group, you stupid knob!

There's a meeting tomorrow night, and we're taking you!

It just depends what time. I've got a wine-tasting... No! OK! I'll reschedule!

-HE CHUCKLES

-It's probably just sugar water anyway.

Go ahead. Try it.

I will. Oh, yeah!

Later.

-I've just brushed my teeth.

-DOOR CLOSES

Hey, Julia. It's Scott. Er...look.

I know I've left you, like, 50 messages,

and that might seem a bit on the needy side,

but I swear to God, I never intended for you

to catch me sleeping with my boss.

No, wait! No, no, no, no! That's not what I meant. I meant, um...

PHONE BEEPS Oh, shit.

Hang on. Some dickhead's trying to call me.

Hello?

-Stop calling me.

-Julia, wait! Before you say anything, you are not a dickhead.

You had sex with another woman during our date.

We're done, Scott. It's over. Goodbye.

But you haven't heard what I've got to say... Oh!

Hi.

Well, hello, handsome.

Er...may I?

So, er...how are you feeling?

A bit nervous. I mean, I've never done this before.

-No. Well, you... you don't get to do it twice.

-Fair enough.

Just the once will be something.

Since my old fella died, I've been so lonely.

Right, er...can I just...?

Hello! Um...

Your name isn't Amanda, is it?

-No, it's Phyllis.

-Why?

Sorry for listening in, but are you... Are you Scott?

Cos I'm Amanda.

God, I hate those self-service tills.

You know, people say use the humans, but I hate them even more.

-HE SOBS

-Cozzo, what's the matter?

Penguins.

Oh, Jesus.

This daddy penguin, he was sitting with his chicks

when suddenly, this seal comes up on the beach and...

well, cos our daddy penguin was a bit...

He's a lard-arse, basically.

-HE SOBS

-He couldn't waddle away fast enough,

and the seal bit his frigging penguin head off.

And now his chicks have got no dad!

-HE SOBS

-They're bastards!

-Orphans.

-All because he was a lard-arse.

-HE SNIFFS

-What if that happens to me, Debs? Cos I'm a lard-arse too, you know.

Cozzo, I seriously doubt a seal's going to come into our house and eat you.

Maybe if we lived in Eastbourne.

I can't imagine my little chick growing up without a father.

I've got to start shaping up.

From here on out, I am done eating crap.

-That's it, finished.

-Good for you, Coz.

I did just buy some stuff to make spaghetti Bolognese.

But you know what? I'll throw it and I'll make you a salad.

I mean starting tomorrow. You... You can't begin these things in the middle of the day.

That's not good for the digestive system.

CLACKING ON TV

HE CLACKS

HE SOBS

Amanda, you... You're too young for all this.

Mm, tell me about it.

I mean, that old sow you were talking to just then,

I mean, what's she got left to live for?

-Random sex with strangers off the internet?

-Oh, God, don't. I'll puke.

I mean, who'd miss her?

And yet I'm the one who gets cancer.

I've spent half my life with it, beating it down,

but the shit keeps coming back with a vengeance.

Fucking injustice of it all that gets me. I could have done so much more with my life.

Exactly. Why opt out now? What have the doctors said?

Oh, don't talk to me about fucking doctors.

They're clueless. Nothing they've tried has worked.

-I've had more drugs pumped through me than Mick Jagger and Keith Richards combined.

-I doubt that.

Yeah, well, it's been a lot.

And what good's it done me? I've got six months left, Scott, at best.

If they told you in six months that you'd get run over by a car, would you kill yourself?

Yeah, I would if I had to spend those six months in agony

with no control over my bowels whatsoever.

Fine. Look, here's my email.

Take a couple of days or months thinking it over

-and then if...

-When.

-..you decide...

-I've decided.

-..you want to do this...

-I do.

-..you'll write to me, but hopefully I'll never see you again.

-I'll see you in a couple of days.

-Great(!)

I don't know what you're rattled about. Amanda's not that young.

-Compared to the others, I'm performing an abortion.

-Oh, God! It's just like drinking a lawn!

Look, I know you're trying to get into shape for fatherhood, but blended grass ain't going to do it.

Oh, really? How many sick rabbits do you see?

I work in a vet's, so loads.

Look, there it is, room 103.

Sex Addicts Support Group. Can we go to that instead?

That can't be a real thing, can it? Sex addiction?

Blokes'll use any excuse to bang other women. We're bloody geniuses.

Oh, my God, Scott! You should use that on Julia.

-Use what?

-"Sorry I screwed my boss, But I couldn't help it. I've got a disease of the dick." Joey?

-Disease of the dick? That's brilliant.

-Thank you.

Are you mad? I'd have to be desperate to use something like that.

Let's go.

-Hi, guys. I'm Phillip. Welcome.

-Just so you know, this is the one who's fucked up.

We're just here to support the idiot.

Oh, shit.

Julia, I...I need to talk to you.

Scott, if you don't leave now, I'm going to call security over to Taser you.

I saw them do it to a shoplifter last week, and one of her eyes fell out of her head.

Just give me a minute, please. That's all I ask, and then you can...

have them beat me over the head with this mannequin, if you like.

I would like. 55 seconds left.

I never wanted to tell you this, but I've got a sickness.

It's something I've been living with for years.

49, 48.

Have you ever heard of sex addiction?

-Oh, Jesus!

-It's a real thing, Julia! I swear!

-It's a real thing that blokes say

when they can't keep their dick in their trousers.

I'm skipping straight to 15. 14...

Look, I know it really sounds like that, Julia, but it's true. The guys in the group...

Oh, did I mention that I'm in a support group

to help me fight this bastard affliction?

-Cos...cos I am.

-You're actually getting help for this?

For years, but I... Look, I missed a couple of sessions.

I suppose I got cocky, what with things going so well between you and me,

and I fell off the wagon.

But I'm trying to change, Julia. Really, I am.

I... I can't lose you.

-You're serious about fighting this?

-Serious? I... I want it licked!

That's not the best choice of words, considering,

but I do want to beat it.

OK, that's another bad choice.

-I'm coming to a meeting.

-What?

I want to see how committed you are to this.

Well, no. No, no, no, no, no.

That... That would be irresponsible of me,

bringing someone who looks like you into a roomful of pervs, you know.

That'd be like tossing raw meat to sharks.

Not that I think of you as meat, you know. That's the old me.

So, you're just brushing me off? Is that it?

What? No! No, no, no. Not at all. I...

Look, if... If this is what it takes, then fine.

There's a meeting tonight. Come with.

Just don't wear anything too revealing with those freaks.

With my fellow freaks.

I'll be there.

It's a date.

-No, it's not.

-Right.

-Can I have a hug?

-Security!

I'm leaving! Don't Taser me. Thank you. OK. I'm going.

Scary man.

I really appreciate you being my sponsor, Phillip.

Means a lot.

I'm the one who should be thanking you, Joey. Helping others is one of

the most important parts of my programme.

That's great. By the way,

can I still play poker?

Or...does that count?

Everything that involves gambling counts.

Oh, good. Makes it easier to remember.

Gamblers lie, Joey. You know that. We cheat.

We deceive

and we can never break that cycle till we learn to open up about our lives.

Now, if I'm going to be your sponsor,

then you need to be absolutely honest with me about everything.

Everything?

-Everything.

-I don't like that shirt.

-About yourself.

-Oh.

-I quite like my shirt.

-Remember...

we're only as sick as our secrets, Joey.

-What are your secrets?

-I really don't have any.

None at all?

Well, maybe one. I'm not allowed to talk about it.

I'm your sponsor. You can tell me anything.

It's the only way you're going to get better.

-Are you sure?

-Positive.

OK.

I'm a third part owner of an assisted-suicide business.

-Assisted what?

-Suicide.

It's like a Dignitas clinic, only with less Alps.

We've been going for a few weeks. We're doing really well.

-That can't possibly be legal.

-No, it's not.

Never should be.

Open to so much abuse.

So, that's it. That's all I've got. Is that OK?

It's great, Joey.

I'm proud of you for telling the truth.

Really, really proud.

Cool.

I can't believe Julia's coming to this meeting. I don't even know what to do.

Just wait for someone to speak

and then stand up and say, "See that, what he said? Me too."

Have a little cry, sit back down. Job done.

I'm trying to win back the love of my life here. I think I should put in some effort.

Yeah, that's true. Is there any way you could give yourself crabs?

I mean, really show you've got a sex problem.

She already thinks I've got a sex problem. I just need to figure out

-how to act at the meetings.

-Scratch a lot?

We are fucked. I mean, totally screwed.

-And it's all your fault, you shit!

-What did we do?

Oh, go to Gamblers Addiction Support Group? Get help?

I'll tell you where it got me.

Some slimy dipshit on my back demanding two grand I haven't got,

or he's going to go to the cops about our business.

How does he know about the business?

He's my sponsor. We have to be absolutely honest with each other.

Yes, so he can use it to blackmail you for two grand!

Toxic money-spunker.

Look, we don't judge at meetings.

Anyway, I've blown all my money.

So, you two have got to pony it up for me or we are done.

Un-fucking-believable!

Bacon, double cheese, fries and coleslaw?

Yeah, here.

-Green salad?

-That's me.

And that just leaves a double choc shake.

That's me too.

I need something to take the taste away.

This chip means everything to me.

Two years no contact with my qualifier.

I got my wife back. I got my life back.

Don't stop coming here, people. This thing works if you work it.

Thanks.

Thanks, Grant.

Thanks. OK. Now we've handed out the chips, we're going to begin open sharing.

Who'd like to start?

Er...er...I would.

-Hi. Er...I'm Scott and I'm a sex addict. ALL:

-Hi, Scott.

Oh, hey there.

As you all know, I've been coming here for many, many years.

But no matter how hard I fight,

this damn disease keeps coming back with a vengeance.

Trust me, if this was cancer,

they would have filled me with more drugs than...

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards combined!

But there is no medicine for what we've got.

No machines to hook us up to. And do you want to know why?

Because this is a disease of the mind.

Yeah?

And it makes us do things that we don't want to do!

Like having sex with your boss. I took no pleasure in it.

It was just base animal rutting,

like two goats, where the nanny goat was, bluntly, a bit past it.

There was no love in it, no respect,

and the whole time, I kept thinking

about what I was doing to someone that I truly cared about.

Oh, damn this bloody disease!

This is how it gets! Just back me up here, people!

I was looking for love in all the wrong places, when I should have been looking...

I...

I should have been looking...

I should have looked.

OTHERS APPLAUD

SIREN BLARES

It's all there.

-Now fuck off.

-I appreciate it. I really do.

It's been a terrible month.

Are you still gambling or are you behaving yourself?

-Oh, like you give a shit.

-No, don't be like that.

Just cos I'm enjoying a little lapse

doesn't mean I don't care for my fellow sufferers.

Yeah, well, it's been tough, but I'm working on it.

Good for you. You should be proud of yourself.

Me, I'm having a hell of a time.

I got an advance on a horse. I swore it was going to be a sure thing.

I did the research. I did.

It was the right track, right weather.

Everything was lined up for me to make a fucking fortune,

then the gates opened up and the nag went straight out, broke its leg,

fell to the ground and had to be shot, really tough luck.

LAUGHS Well, at least now you can pay for it.

Oh, no, no. This money is covering a football match I lost last week.

The horse thing happened this morning, and I need ten grand to pay for that.

-Ten grand?

-By the end of the week.

-Or else I'm going to have to go straight to the cops.

-Sorry.

Fancy a pint? My treat.

Four...

SIGHS AND GRUNTS

...five!

Hey, Hulk Hogan. There's someone here to see you.

He's going to kill himself to stay alive for his baby.

For your information, I've lost five pounds.

-You've gained four.

-Yeah, I know.

Pass us that, will you?

Not that. The rubber thing.

Cozzo, you can't tell Scott, but I'm in the shit.

-What else is new?

-Well, it's the amount.

This time he wants 10K, or else he's going straight to the cops,

-and we are going straight to jail.

-Uh-uh, I'm not going to jail.

-Well, what am I going to do?

-You're going to have to kill him.

Should I be getting diarrhoea from protein shakes? Or is that how they work?

I'm sorry. How exactly did you mean the word "kill" just then?

As in stop him from being alive. I've got some serious raspberry runs.

I'm not going to kill him, Cozzo. He's a perfectly healthy man.

Well, so am I, Joey.

I mean, I'm obviously not. Look at me.

But if that penguin had a chance to kill the bitch of a seal before it killed him,

he would have done it, understand?

No.

Oh, my God. Open the window, boys.

Er...the stink means I'm losing weight.

Yeah, you can smell the fat's burning off.

This is our bedroom, Cozzo.

There's no way I'm spending the rest of my life locked in the slammer,

leaving my baby to grow up without a father.

Well, you kill him, cos I'm not.

-We'll do it together.

-No fucking way.

All right?

Did you tune the machine up?

Yeah. Here's the McFlurry of Death.

The girl should die instantly.

-Still doesn't feel right, this one.

-What, because of her age?

I mean, it doesn't matter if she was wearing a BabyGro.

We need the cash or we are totally screwed.

Listen, Scott. Look, I know you're nervous,

but sometimes people have to die.

You know? For the greater good. Right, Joey?

It's one thing seeing people off in their 60s...50s even. But this?

She's doing the right thing, Scott. You know why?

Because she knows if you've got an impending problem,

you deal with it head on before it gets worse.

-Much, much worse. Right, Joey?

-Yeah, that's more or less what she says.

See? It's not just me who thinks it. I say we help her die.

Before it all gets nasty and there's no coming back.

-Right, Joey?

-Coming back from what?

-It's either her or us.

-No, it's not.

And sometimes a man has got to be a man.

So let's be men. Right, Joey?

Right! Let's be men!

Sorry, did I miss something?

Yeah, I lost five pound.

Do you like it?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's beautiful.

-It's an engagement ring.

-You've got a fiance?

Well, I did have...till I got sick.

So, he dumped you? What a ball bag!

No, no, it wasn't like that.

I just... When I found out I only had a couple of years left,

I thought, do I really need to spend them

hearing how this arsehole's career isn't going where he wants it to,

putting up with the crap sex

and the snoring and sitting through his box sets of Star Trek,

and the answer came back, "No, fuck him."

Cried his eyes out. Huh.

Pussy.

-Do you want it?

-No, thanks.

CAR HORN BLARES

You wanker!

Hey, Joe. Give us a hand with this, will you?

Where did you get this place? It's dismal.

Remember my mate Frank Thompson?

Seven feet tall, red Mohawk, covered in tattoos, no left arm.

-Vaguely.

-Yeah.

He's letting me borrow it while he's out of town at a dentists' convention.

-It's perfect, isn't it?

-Yeah, what if someone finds out?

No-one's going to find out nothing, as long as we don't tell anybody

we killed the toxic money-spunker, understand?

Right.

Now, let's swear on our cocks.

-We'll take this to our grave.

-What?

I swear, on my cock, I won't tell anybody we killed him.

-Now you swear on your cock.

-Do I have to?

Yes.

-I swear on your cock...

-Your cock!

-OK, fine.

-I swear on your cock...

Say, "My cock"!

-But I love my cock.

-Just say it!

OK, fine.

I swear on my cock that I won't tell anyone we killed him.

-Good.

-But yours more.

I swear on my cock. I swear on my cock!

LOUD KNOCKING AT DOOR

LOUD KNOCKING AT DOOR

DOOR SQUEAKS There he is.

-I didn't think you'd find it.

-No, no.

Just placing a couple of big bets. I can't stop.

This where you live?

Yeah. No, no. I was going to buy a flat but you keep taking my money.

Yeah. Sorry. Anyway, speaking of money, where is it?

-Right here!

-What the...

What the fuck are you doing? Get off me!

Aah!

Get off me! Get off me!

Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?

So, Scott...

Is there a lucky lady in your life?

There's a lady, yeah, only I don't know how lucky she is.

You don't give yourself enough credit. You're quite sweet.

Which makes up for the fact you're not the handsomest guy in the world.

Has anyone ever told you you can be a bit of a bitch?

SHE LAUGHS

No. I'm just being honest.

Healthy people lie all the time,

because they know they're going to live long enough

to face the ramifications if they don't. It's only when you're going to die

that you know there's nothing more powerful than telling the truth.

It's not always that easy.

Hm. Well, I guess it's probably easier for me. Having cancer.

I mean, I can say anything and everyone cuts me so much fucking slack.

Because what are they going to do? Kill me?

Huh! That's a laugh.

Always tell the truth, Scott. Trust me, it works.

Right.

So...what are we doing here?

Um...

well, all you have to do is pull this lever and then...

-You're going to die.

-What did I do to you?

My wife is having a baby!

It's not mine! I swear! I never even met the woman!

No, but if you tell the coppers about our business,

then my kid grows up without a father.

Yeah, but she'll probably have boyfriends and a string of uncles, but...

-Oh, shut up, Joey.

-Yeah.

The main point is we can't risk you blabbing.

So, to keep us out of trouble, we're going to kill you.

I swear to Jesus I won't tell anyone.

No, don't trust him. What did you say about gamblers?

-We cheat, we deceive...

-Yeah, but...

Oh, say goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-Enjoy being a bitch, wherever you end up, Amanda.

Thanks.

Beam me up, Scotty.

Actually, you, er...beam yourself up.

Right.

So, here we go.

On three.

One.

Two.

Three.

What happened?

-You're supposed to drop it.

-You didn't drop it either.

Cos I didn't see you dropping it.

Yeah, but you didn't say, "Drop it now."

Nobody says, "One, two, three, drop it now."

You didn't say you weren't going to say, "Drop it now."

It was implied when I said, "Drop it on three"!

Yeah, well, is it supposed to be, "One, two, drop", like it's the three?

Or is it the four?

Four? It's always, "One, two, three, drop."

Otherwise we'd drop it on "two", and nobody ever drops anything on two.

Well, we can't do this anyway. It's going to make way too much mess.

HE SOBS

You're right, Frank'd go crazy.

He'd beat us up with his one good arm.

How are we going to kill him, then?

SOBBING

-I'm really sorry about this.

-Yeah, sorry.

-SOBBING

-Shut up!

DOORBELL RINGS

Julia! What...what are you doing here?

I suppose I'm catching you screwing around on me. That's what I'm doing here.

Screwing around?

You didn't even last a day. You didn't even try.

-Hang on. Did you follow me here?

-Don't try and put me in the wrong!

You've pushed me far enough already! Just tell me the truth, Scott!

-Julia...

-The truth, for once.

OK, OK. I'll...I'll tell you the truth.

Last week I met this girl in a pub, and...

And?

And she...

And she what?

And I was shagging her.

Just like you suspected. I...I'm so sorry.

See?

Being honest. It's all I ever asked for.

So, you're OK with this?

No.

I hate your guts for this.

But it makes ending this joke of a relationship much easier.

Have a nice life, Scott, because I'm going to make damn sure that I do.

Julia, no! You don't understand! You...

Just...

DOOR SLAMS, CAR ENGINE STARTS

-VEHICLE LEAVES

-Julia! Wait! Julia!

Shit.

MOBILE PHONE QUACKS

Scott, we have got another one.

He is in agony.

Oh! My diseases!

Oh! My skin!

He's putting a brave face on it but he's got it really bad!

Text me the address. I'll be right there.

CAR REVS AND SOUNDS HORN

You...prick!

MOANING

Oh, my God!

-What's going on?

-It's this poor guy with his terrible...

-terrible... Joey?

-Blood disease?

Thank you. He's got really shitty blood.

Why has he got a bag on his head?

It's the blood thing. It's got to his face.

It's so shitty.

Jesus Christ!

This is the bloke from your gamblers group.

There was nothing wrong with him three days ago.

Goddamn blood diseases! They're so fast and...shitty!

Aah! They're trying to kill me!

-You don't say(!)

-He tried to blackmail me

-for more money!

-It's not my fault! I'm an addict!

I couldn't help it!

I just needed some money to help me get through a bad patch!

Please! You can't let them do this to me!

I swear I'll back off! I won't breathe a word. On my daughter's life!

Please let me go! Please!

No, no, Scott, you can't do this! He's a gambler!

-You cannot trust him!

-Yeah.

But he's also a dad, and I know what that means.

Just go home, get out of here.

Thank you. Thank you so much!

If I'd known you were a father, well... Cos I'm going to be one too, see?

Have my own little penguin. They can't grow up without us. They need us so much.

It's the seals we've got to watch out for, and I was almost a seal.

It's all right. I understand.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

Oh, and by the way, I haven't got a daughter, you stupid dick!

But when yours comes, it won't ever know its dad,

cos I'm going straight to the cop shop!

You are so fucked, the lot of you!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

TYRES SCREECH

DOOR SHUTS

So, who's for pizza?

# Everybody seems to have it better than me

# So I get a hold of fame and I shine it on me

# I'll be a better man This is the superstar luck machine

# And all the things in the dark Yeah, baby, they won't matter

# Baby, we're the chosen ones We're living the dream

# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me

# Yeah, I'm a better man This is the superstar luck machine. #