The End of the Beginning Way to Go

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

I helped Julia's dad off himself. I feel guilty having a secret from her.

-The truth. For once.

-I was shagging her.

That makes ending this joke of a relationship much easier.

Shit!

-Is summat going on?

-Yes! It's called work.

Like what your music producer does but instead of going "la-la-la-la",

I go "typety-type-type".

-What about the money?

-What money?

-In your drawer!

Where did it come from?

I'm a third part owner of an assisted suicide business.

That can't possible be legal.

We are totally screwed.

I'm going straight to the cop shop!

HE LAUGHS

# Baby, we're the chosen ones and living the dream

# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me

# Yeah, I'm a better man

# This is the superstar luck machine. #

Julia?

Julia!

-Julia!

-Er, wait. Er, sorry...

No, stop! I...

Julia!

You've got it all wrong!

I never slept with her.

You two are fucking repulsive, you know that?

I've never seen Debbie like this. Screaming, crying.

This morning, when I left,

she was like, "Don't leave me, Cozzo. I don't want to be alone."

This baby's making her mad.

I heard, when the foetus wees inside the womb,

the urine mixes with the mother's brain juices.

Screws with her mind.

That's hormones, you pillock, not foetus wee.

-Where d'you think hormones come from?

-Oh. Good point.

Hiya, fellas. >

Cider, please, and refills for my mates.

Oh, someone's cheerful. Back with your lady?

She letting you do it in her bum yet?

Sadly, we're not back together, no.

-Never done it in the bum. What's it like?

-Not good after a curry.

What do you think about the three of us going away for a holiday?

-What's the occasion?

-Who cares?

Can we come back after Debs has had the baby?

Like, after it's out of her but before her tits have got small.

I need to get away, clear my mind for a bit. I thought,

"The business is doing well, let's splurge on a corporate retreat".

I know the perfect place! They do these overnights at the zoo

where you can cuddle a gorilla doped up on sedatives.

-That sounds brilliant!

-I know.

I've also heard they're doing sleepovers

at an abandoned mental hospital in Mudchute.

There's no lights, you sleep on the floor, and all night long

they pipe in screams through the air vents. How's that sound?

I'd rather have my balls chewed on by a dog.

Come on! You'd sleep the night in a mental hospital, right?

-Don't know why I've waited till now!

-Same(!)

Thank you. I mean, what?

I want to do something a bit more upmarket.

Like Longwood Heights Hotel. Beautiful scenery, great food.

-What do you say?

-I'd love to, I really would.

It's just going to be a bit tricky with Debbie.

She's a total mental case.

In fact, I wish I could drop her off at the funny farm in Mudchute.

Hormones?

Foetus wee.

Debbie, I'm home!

Oh, shit. Debs?

What's the matter?

-I got a case.

-A case of what?

They gave me a case, Cozzo! I'm going to be a detective!

-Debbie, that's fantastic!

-I know. I've been bugging the sergeant

for years and he finally gave me one as a test!

Good for you, sweetheart. Good for... Whoa,

careful you don't squash the baby.

-Are you happy for me?

-Course I'm happy!

I was worried you would be in one of your usual mentally deranged,

schizzed-out moods, so that when I asked

if I could go away for the weekend with the boys

you would go all batshit crazy.

But you're not that way, which makes it...

-so much easier to ask.

-I see!

So you're not really happy for me, you're just happy for yourself.

No, no. No, I'm happy for the both of us.

Can't I be happy for the both of us?

So? I can, right? I mean go away.

Course you can, Cozzo.

As a matter of fact, I'd like it.

It would give me a few hours not to have to look at your face.

See that? That's terrific.

You're the best, you really are. I'm so happy for the both of us.

# The brightest lights cast the darkest shadows

# And that's where I'll be found... #

Shit a dick!

Look at this place. It's gorgeous.

-What did I tell you?

-I don't know. What?

That it's gorgeous.

Why do you have to take the credit for everything?

May I take your bag, sir?

Why? So you can rifle through my pants,

steal a pair of jeans, maybe a shirt?

I know your kind, mate.

I've been your kind.

I'm not interested in your clothes, sir. You're not my size.

That's true. There you go, little man.

Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, here, here, you don't have to take that.

Probably a coffee maker included in the room, right,

a big-shot place like this?

Why the hell did you have to bring that thing along?

I can't keep it in the house any more!

Debs is a detective now. She can figure things out.

How long you been married, Debbie?

Oh, hi, Sarge. Five years next month.

I'm going on 20 this weekend.

-Congratulations!

-Yeah.

I want to die.

How's the case coming?

All I've got to work with

is this distorted thumbprint they pulled off the old man's knob.

-How did they do that?

-His doorknob.

Oh, right.

-It is distorted, though.

-Mm.

I think it's a scar. Or not. I don't know.

I've got to be honest, Sarge, I don't think this is a murder case.

It's...just some old-aged pensioners committing suicide.

How I envy them.

Keep on it.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Get this.

You push a button on your phone

and they send a girl straight to your room to have sex with you.

-No, they don't.

-Yeah, they do. Look.

"In-room holistic massage." Holeistic!

Get it? Hole. You get it? Hole!

I get it, you twat.

But all that means is the entire body is treated as a single entity.

Yeah. A single entity they stick in their hole.

I wish I could get myself a massage.

So get one.

No way I'm going starkers in front of a stranger.

Why, cos you're fat?

It's cos I come down with a slight case of arthritis in my shoulder.

When I pull my shirt over my head, I get an enormous pain in my...

-Yes, because I'm fat!

-Look, Cozzo,

we are miles from home. Out here, we can be anyone we want.

Look, I'm down this way. See you both at dinner.

Which hole does the entity go in, again?

HE CHUCKLES

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

HE SIGHS

What?

Julia liked bread.

-Oh! Would you stop thinking about her?

-I can't.

She was just so beautiful.

-I bet she still is.

-Not helping.

Look, just pretend her face was horribly burned in a fire.

-That should make you feel better.

-Yeah, great, all better(!)

-There you go!

-Good evening.

I need no introduction.

Commence.

PIANO PLAYS "RULE BRITANNIA"

# In tropical climes there are certain times of day

# When all the citizens retire

# To tear their clothes off and perspire... #

What a ponce!

Don't you recognise him?

It's Nigel Banks from Rogue Irish Detective.

O'Flaherty from the '80s cop show?

-No way!

-It is!

# Oh, the natives grieve when the white men... #

Imagine him saying

"D'ya be wanting a knuckle supper, boyo?"

-God, it is him!

-Yes!

# "Papalakapapalaka boo" That's natives.

# Digadigadigadigadigadiga doo That's bollocks... #

I didn't realise he was gay.

He's not gay. Shut the fuck up.

That man inspired me.

To what, have sex with men?

Shut up!

# Hindus and Argentines sleep firmly from twelve to one

# But Englishmen detest a siesta

# In the Philippines...

# They have lovely screens to protect you from the glare

# In the Malay states they have hats like plates

# Which the Englishmen won't wear

# At twelve noon, the natives swoon... #

-Oh, shit!

-What's wrong?

It's Lucie.

# Go out in the midday sun... #

Is that the bloke she left you for?

Or was it her music producer?

Wow! Talk about trading up.

-You're not helping.

-I'm not trying to help.

No, it's true.

She said I was going nowhere and she was right. I am nowhere.

What are you talking about?

You're a professional illegal euthanist.

That's huge! I say, go get her.

What's the point?

Well, getting over Julia.

What better way than to dip your wick in a bird who's rejected you?

Throw your success in her face.

And then your tiny knob.

I can't just muscle in on a girl. It's not the kind of guy I am.

Which is exactly why you should do it.

We're miles from home, remember?

We can be anyone we want. Hm?

# Even caribous lie around and snooze

# For there's nothing else to do

# In Bengal, to move at all

# It's seldom if ever done

# But mad dogs and Englishmen

# Go out in the midday, out in the midday, out in the midday

# Out in the midday Out in the midday

# Out in the midday Out in the midday sun! #

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Well, here's another one I wrote.

Yes!

# Eeeeh... #

MURMURING

I don't care if it's never been done before,

get the women prepped for surgery.

Once I save her unborn triplets, then I'll save her!

Scott?

Putting you on hold.

-Yes?

-Lucie?

Oh, my God! I didn't even... Let me get rid of this.

New plan - stabilise the patient for 12 hours then call me back.

Lucie! Hey, how's it going?

You're a doctor now? Since when?

Since Oxford's experimental accelerated degree programme.

They identify individuals with an aptitude

and then give them an entire med school education in two weeks.

It's like Hogwarts, only the pump you full of drugs so you learn faster.

-That's incredible.

-Yet credible. I'm Scott.

Eddie. Nice to meet you, mate.

Wait, weren't you part of that Afghan relief team I was on?

When we brought antibiotics to Kandahar Province

and cured that whole village of cholera?

No, um... I'm a music producer.

Oh. Well, that's important too.

I can't believe it, this is Scott?

She made you sound like such a loser!

Hah!

-No, I didn't actually say...

-No, no, no, it fine.

I was a loser.

You know, I had this amazing, spectacular girl and I blew it.

My loss, your gain, and good on ya.

Oh, no. Let me get these.

For old times' sake.

-My God.

-What?

Oh, this. Yeah, you'll be surprised how much of my business is cash only.

Anyway, this should take care of a couple of rounds.

-Enjoy the rest of your evening.

-Wait.

You, um... You want to join us?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I couldn't.

Come on, man, I insist.

I'm yours till 10 tomorrow.

-MAN FARTS

-Mr Banks?

Yeah?

I really enjoyed your performance.

Oh, that's sweet..

Now piss off.

I, um, I'm Joey.

I've been a fan of yours for years, but I didn't realise you could sing.

And I had no idea you wrote Hey Jude.

That was brilliant.

I couldn't give two farts in a splash

what you thought of my performance.

Oh!

And if you came here looking for O'Flaherty's autograph

I hope you've got a big dick...

cos I'd like you to go fuck yourself.

HE SWIGS BOTTLE

Ah, for fuck's sake.

I loved you since I was nine.

I had your poster on my bedroom wall.

I used to play Rogue Irish Detective with my brother.

He'd run out the house and I'd chase him

and throw rocks at his head until he fell down.

You were my hero.

Get my bag.

I'm going upstairs for a drink.

And at that moment you know

that whether that little girl lives or dies is entirely up to you.

You're holding her heart in your hand.

Literally, cos you know, you're holding her heart in your hand.

It's really profound.

But I'm sorry, I interrupted your story

about doing flaming sambuca shots with Maroon 5.

Oh, no, that's all right. Yours was better.

-Anyway, she made it.

-Oh, crap.

I could go on like this all night, but I...

I got to hit the sack, I'm playing golf in the morning.

Well, it's only half-ten.

Yeah, and I've got 6am tee time so I need my sleep.

Got to get that handicap down, don't you?

Boy, do you ever.

Well, OK.

Oh, no. No, no, stay. Catch up, you're having fun.

Night, babe. So good meeting you, Doctor.

You too, music producer.

Can you believe him? For golf?

I was selfish too once. But somehow,

-during my time in the Afghan desert...

-Buy me a drink.

Whisky for the lady, keep them coming.

And then all of a sudden, you smash your fist through the car window

and you grab the bloke by the hair, and you start bashing his face

against the steering wheel, "Tell me where the money is

-"or I'll..."

-TOGETHER:

-"Knock yer bollocks in."

Yes!

-I hated that.

-Oh, I know, it was incredible!

-Will you do your catchphrase?

-Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, please!

I swore I'd never say those words again.

Oh, come on!

D'ya be wanting a knuckle supper, boyo?

Did you know...

I was an actor once.

-Yeah! I know, my and my...

-A real fuckin' actor.

I played King Lear at the National, Richard III at the RSC, Hamlet.

-Sorry, I'm not familiar with those.

-But fame...

..success...

Those are dandelion seeds on the wind.

What's important is love.

True love.

Finding someone to grow old with.

And I've cocked that up as well.

Five marriages.

Five divorces.

And all that's left is a hopeless, lonely old lovey in a shiny tuxedo.

Joey.

I'm done with this life.

What are you talking about, you're done?

You've just started.

I think about it constantly.

Standing on the Tube platform.

Take a step, gone.

And the London Eye,

open the hatch, gone.

At the butcher's.

Head into the meat slicer...

gone.

The only thing that's stopping me...

it would hurt.

It doesn't have to, you know.

You haven't been with anyone since me? Really?

Well, I've had my chances,

but it's like every time I feel the blood rush to my penis,

I think that's blood that could be used

to save the life of a Ugandan boy with AIDS.

Wow. You're so...

full of shit.

-What?

-Experimental accelerated degree?

Prenatal heart surgery?

A favourite scalpel named Helena Bonham Carver?

Yeah, I sensed that might be a step too far.

You must really want to get up in my knickers.

No, no, I, just... You know, I...

Yeah, OK, maybe I do.

-Scott.

-What now?

It's important.

I have a tongue...in my mouth.

We all do.

I have two, now go away.

It's a matter of life or death.

All right, Lucie?

Ooh, life or death.

Go ahead, Doctor, shall I meet you in your room?

Yes, right, um, here.

I'll be up in five minutes.

-See you later.

-No!

Yeah.

-HE FARTS

-Oh, God.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, I can't do this.

I'm sorry, I...

But the McFlurry of death is right in the boot of the car.

I don't care if it's tied round your waist like a tutu.

We are not helping Nigel Banks kill himself.

-Wait, Nigel, that old nelly from the telly?

-He is not a nelly.

He's a sad old man whose best years are behind him

and he's looking forward decent way out.

What's that smell?

So he's not ill, then?

Exactly! He's not ill,

so we are staying well, well out of it.

He's ill! He's plenty ill.

He's got a sickness of the soul.

-Who are you, Lord Byron?

-He's got nothing to live for.

He's in terrible pain. Isn't that what we try to help people avoid?

Fellas, can we wrap this up? Cos I got a masseuse coming.

-Nice one.

-Ooh, look at you!

-Thanks.

It's murder, you stupid git.

It's mercy, you cold-hearted bastard.

OK! Enough! Sit down!

As my father used to say to me,

at times like this the individual

must bend to the will of the majority.

You two have put me in an extremely difficult position.

But after careful consideration,

I Cozzo, am prepared to cast the deciding vote.

There's not going to be any vote.

Thank God, cos I didn't know where I was going with that.

Only one of us is medically competent to administer the Pemrutox - me.

And I'm not going to do it. It's wrong and it's immoral.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have meaningless sex with my ex.

I mean, how often do you get the chance to help kill someone

that means so much to you?

Feel for you, Joey.

Er, Mr Costigan?

I'm Ryh Ming.

Leave now.

Wait. Wait.

Why?

-Do you want to do it?

-No.

I'm... I'm afraid I'm doing this for a bad reason.

What?

What could possibly be a bad reason to have sex?

-DOOR OPENS

-Thank you, I just...

Bloody hell!

Eddie! Hiya.

Oh, crap!

Hello, Doctor.

Ring if you need anything else.

What are you doing here?

When I realised I'd left my mobile in your handbag,

Find My iPhone said it was here, which never made no sense.

Till now.

Eddie, listen.

Really, I'm seeing this through your eyes and it definitely

looks like something's happening, but the only thing that's happening

is that nothing is happening.

So you two aren't, say, five seconds from shagging?

We were never shagging.

Your genitals are touching in a shag position.

Yes, fair, but right when you came in,

-I was telling Lucie how I didn't want to do it.

-He was. Swear to God.

Why not?

Er... I'm not sure. Repeat the question?

Why don't you want to shag my girlfriend?

-What, you think she's ugly?

-Yeah, d'you think I'm ugly?

SPLUTTERING: No, no, you're extremely...

Look, could you get off me? You're kind of colouring my response.

Look, look, Lucie is great.

You are just...wow!

Great! But there's this other girl in my life, Julia,

and we really had something and now she won't even talk to me.

So, you were just using me to get over Julia?

-Right!

-You don't really want Lucie at all?

Exactly! Oh, this is so much easier to explain.

HE CHOKES

Can't believe you just...

Who punches someone in the neck?

Mmmm!

You're amazing.

Thank you.

Should've done this years ago. It feels...

just so...

Is everything OK?

-Everything's fine.

-Too hard?

In a way.

Susan Boyle before the makeover, Susan Boyle before the makeover.

Susan Boyle after the makeover.

Let me try something different.

-HE SHRIEKS

-A million times worse!

I'm married. I can't. I...

Please don't.

Get back! Get back! Get back!

Are you sure you want to do this?

Yeah, don't worry about me.

Once you've done the old Aer Lingus to Angela Lansbury,

you know, you're no longer afraid of dying.

-HE CHUCKLES

-OK.

-NIGEL:

-Go on. Stick it in me.

Don't be shy, I can take it.

-JOEY:

-I've never done this before.

-Ah, you're doing great.

Don't you worry about me.

It doesn't hurt at all.

Now push. Go on!

Joey! Joey!

Joey! Can I borrow Joey for a moment, please?

-Can you come back later?

-Are you having gay sex with Nigel?

What?! No.

Then what are you...? Is that rubbing alcohol?

Yes.

Yes! It's for the gay sex.

It's for the gay sex. It's for the gay sex.

Oh, my God. You tried to do it yourself?

I thought it was easy, but these veins are tricky buggers.

We are not putting down a healthy human being. It's wrong.

Who is this lanky prick and what is he on about?

I cheated on Debbie with the masseuse.

-Oh, Christ!

-We were going along, tame as you please,

when all of a sudden, Corporal Costigan snapped to attention.

I've never seen him like this.

I just ran up four flights of stairs and he's still...

eyes front.

Eye front!

You think you cheated on Debbie because your this when like this?

Are you mad? Get out! I'm dealing with something important here!

This is important.

You aren't married so you can't understand.

But on a special morning nearly five years ago,

I swore a sacred vow to Debbie

to love and cherish her, forsaking all of this.

And now she's carrying my child a boy, please, God.

So, for my todger to be...

pointing at some Oriental finger wizard,

I just hope I haven't ruined the one thing in my life I ever got right.

Oh...

Well...

Good night, all.

Wait. Wait, wait. What about killing yourself?

Yeah, I think I might push that back a bit,

because if this hairy pig in a diaper can find love, well,

maybe there's hope for me after all.

Thank you. That is so sweet.

And as for you, Joseph,

thee'll will be wanting a knuckle supper, boyo!

DOOR OPENS

Oh, Debbie.

-Thank God you're here.

-Hey!

Did you have a good time?

Don't ever let me go away again.

You were only gone for a night!

It only takes a night.

-It only takes a night for what?

-I promise,

I'll never leave you again, Debbie.

Who was it, Cozzo?

Some floozy at the bar?

Was it a prostitute?

It's the guys' fault.

They begged me to get a massage. I didn't mean to pop a chub.

-Pop a what?

-A stiffie, a boner, a sconge, a jimber.

It just happened. I didn't know what to do.

-So, you had sex with her?

-Sex? Are you mad?

I kicked her straight out. But the damage was done.

I failed you, Debs.

I'm so, so sorry.

HE SOBS

I do forgive you, Cozzo.

But only if you've learnt your lesson.

I've learned it. I've learned it, Debbie.

I swear to God, I've learned it.

I... I just want to be sure, what...

what was it I learned exactly?

That you're to think about me for once

instead of always thinking about yourself.

What's that got to do with my throbbing gristle?

Did you learn it?

Yes, definitely. I learned it completely. Absolutely.

As a matter of fact,

how about I take you upstairs and give you a massage?

-I'd like that.

-And then you could give me one too.

Or not.

You know, it just depends.

I'll give you one this time.

-Julia.

-Oh, shit.

I need to talk to you.

Look, Scott, you can apologise all you want.

I'm not here to apologise or beg for forgiveness,

or for you to come back.

I know I'm leaving here without you and there's nothing I can do.

-Then what do you want?

-I need to tell you the truth.

I know the truth. I saw you coming out of that girl's apartment.

The truth about your father.

What would you know about my father?

When he was dying, he...

He wasn't just...

We became friends and...

..he was in pain and...

he didn't want to pass that pain onto the people that he loved, onto you,

so...

the whole thing was his idea. He...

He asked me to...

to help him.

To...

You didn't...?

I was with him all the way to the end and...

it was sad and amazing and...

We laughed and cried together and when he died,

it was peaceful and with dignity,

you know, exactly the way that he wanted to go.

Oh, my God.

And I've been helping other people go the same way ever since.

Uh...

Julia, I...I never slept with that girl.

That's not why I was there.

It's celebration time, people.

Debs here's got her first case.

Oh, wow! That's brilliant!

-What is it?

-I wish I could tell you,

-but it's classified.

-She won't even tell me,

-and I slip her the hard eight inches.

-Six at the most.

-Oh, but she will tell you that.

-Get a drink inside her,

-she'll spill the beans.

-I'm sorry, I don't drink any more.

Causes retardation in the baby.

Didn't stop my mum when I was inside her.

Who wants to field that one?

DOOR OPENS

Um... Excuse me.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Hi.

Hi!

Really was...peaceful?

Extremely.

Thank you.

So, um, does anyone else know?

Um, just, er, my brother, Joey, and my mate, Cozzo.

And now you.

Do you want to meet...?

Yeah.

Um, everybody, this is Julia.

Julia, this is, er... Well, this is everybody.

Hey, look at that! The lovebirds are back together.

Drinks for everybody!

CHEERING

No, I mean, just for this table here.

-JOEY:

-Game of darts?

-Let's go.

-I'm gonna to kill you.

-You're not allowed to kill anybody.

You want to play?

I'd love to.

I love you too.

I mean, um, wait, what did you say?

Uh...

Um...

D...

-She's beautiful.

-Oh, yeah.

Oh...!

# Everybody seems to have it better than me

# So I'm getting hold of fame and I'll shine it on me

# I'll be a better man

# This is the superstar luck machine

# And all the things in the dark Yeah, baby, they won't matter

# Baby, we're the chosen ones We're living the dream

# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me

# Yeah, I'm a better man

# This is the superstar luck machine. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd