1996 What a Load of Buzzcocks

One eventful night in 1996,

comedy and rock & roll had an ill-advised fumble

with devastating effects.

The resulting offspring would soon become famed for its acerbic wit,

-musical know-how...

-Yow!

-and celebrity...ish friends.

-Woo!

It soon became known as Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Calm down, God! It's only a pop quiz.

Always the first in line to offer words of wisdom and compassion...

Come on, bell-ends, do something.

..this show became an oracle for the world of entertainment.

I'm Simon Amstell, and if you think I'm a poor booking,

let's meet tonight's guests.

And when it comes to splits, spats...

-See you later.

-Why? We're having fun(!)

-I ain't.

..and identifying somebody from a line-up, Buzzcocks has seen it all.

So join us as we stumble down Memory Lane

and see a little bit of this, that and them.

You are watching What A Load of Buzzcocks, 1996.

# Yo, I'll tell you what I want... #

1996 was like one enormous party,

and by that, I mean it got drunk, started a fight,

wet itself and then threw up these five fresh-faced pop wannabes.

Yes, the Spice Girls,

who kept us entertained not only with their catchy melodies

but also their inspirational and empowering philosophical teachings.

-We got Girl Power in the house!

-Spice Girls!

-Woo-oo!

Elsewhere, it was a busy year for the original Spice Girl, Madonna.

After starring in Evita, she hit the headlines again

by squeezing out her biggest release of the year.

After one of showbusiness' most publicised pregnancies,

the pop star Madonna finally became a mother today.

She gave birth to a baby girl called Lourdes in hospital in Hollywood.

Please, please from the bottom of my heart,

stop sending baby gifts to my home.

# You are not alone... #

But first, one man who couldn't keep his hands off the headlines in '96

was the late, lamented King of Pop, Michael Jackson.

For starters, his utterly convincing relationship with Lisa Marie Presley

came to a surprising end(!)

Apparently Jacko's said to be cut up,

but there again we knew that, didn't we?

Steady on, Nick!

But just as it seemed like his love life was slipping away

faster than his sunglasses, Michael miraculously found true love again,

in the shape of an adult female nurse called Debbie Rowe.

So, as Jacko was making the news,

Buzzcocks compassionately sought to shed light

on this multi-faceted character.

# Ho-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! #

Michael Jackson recently split from Lisa Marie Presley

due to irreconcilable differences.

He wanted to have children and she wanted to call the police.

Michael Jackson complained that his waxwork at Madame Tussauds

looked nothing like him.

They hit back saying it still looked more like him than he did.

Michael Jackson was a big fan of Boyzone,

until he discovered it was a band and not a backstage area.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've got some of Britain's premier Jacko impersonators,

but which four earn a living dressing up as the little boys' best friend.

You're looking for the one who isn't a real fake Michael Jackson.

So...

LAUGHTER

Is it Number One, Jackson Five?

Is it Number Two, Jackson Under-Five?

Number Three, Latoya Jackson?

Is it Number Four,

Bloke Who's Apparently Never Even Seen A Picture of Michael Jackson?

Or is it Number Five, Glenda Jackson?

Number Four looks like a Jewish Michael Jackson.

He does a little bit, doesn't he?

Michael Jackson, Schmichael Jackson!

I heard recently that Michael Jackson is reforming, so...

LAUGHTER

1996 really was a busy year for Jacko.

If I say the words, "Michael Jackson," "children"

and "misbehaving," I think you know what I'm talking about.

The lead singer of the pop group Pulp, Jarvis Cocker,

has strenuously denied allegations that he attacked three children

performing with Michael Jackson at last night's BRIT Awards ceremony.

A statement from Michael Jackson said he was...

I found it very distasteful the way that he was putting himself across

as some kind of, like, Jesus Christ figure, you know.

And with Jarvis released with no charges,

both he and Jacko's lives soon returned to normality.

Jarvis Cocker made headlines at the BRIT Awards

with the famous arse on stage,

or Michael Jackson as he's popularly known.

Jarvis may look like a wimp but he's no coward.

Anyone who drops his trousers

and waves his skinny white arse at Michael Jackson

is a braver man than I am.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You ever seen pictures of Michael Jackson

with that little Indian kid who was his friend?

This is absolutely true, this kid who he befriended on tour,

and the kid is called Omar Bhatti, right?

-As in, "Oh, my...!"

-Yeah, yeah.

So with Michael a constant source of concern, a very worried

Simon Amstell invited those closest to Jacko onto the show.

This first image here, which is marvellous.

It's if Michael Jackson went to the plastic surgeon,

this is kind of the chart they showed...

Don't mention Michael Jackson! What are you doing, Phill?

-We don't mention Michael Jackson.

-Do we not?

-No, no, no.

David Gest's best friend, Michael Jackson?!

You've got to be nice to him.

Aww, be nice to the baby-dangling freak(!)

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oops. Sorry, sorry, it just slipped out. Sorry.

-Friends since childhood, yes?

-Yes.

And you never thought to say to him, "Mike, you look fine?"

-I actually did.

-You did?

-I did.

Did you say, "Look, let's leave the face, I'll buy you a new hat?"

-You did.

-I did.

-And what did he say?

BILL MAKES RIDICULOUS HIGH-PITCHED NOISES

-I'm a big fan of Michael Jackson.

-Not any more.

-Why not?

-Cos you put him down.

-No, I didn't. It was that big man.

-Woo!

That's right, you put him down. I got to remember who's on the list

-and who's off.

-Whoa!

-That's right.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ooh! You know...

-How many children have you personally got, Jermaine Jackson?

-Seven.

Now, I read a thing recently. Tell me if this is correct or incorrect.

-Let's hear this, go ahead.

-You had two children with your second wife.

They are called Jaafar and Jermajesty.

Your second wife had previously had two children with your brother Randy.

-That's true.

-Was that a bit awkward?

If you call it that, yes.

If I was one of your kids, let's say I was Jermajesty...

Yes.

And that would be fun for me,

erm, my half-brothers are also my cousins.

Which is fine.

What about Michael? Has he ever done anything weird?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can I ask an important question, Jermaine?

What's Michael's favourite panel show?

It's not this one.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Back to 1996. And Mark Lamarr has the final word.

In 1983, Michael Jackson invented moonwalking,

where you clenched your buttocks and walked cautiously backwards.

It was inspired by the way his male staff leave the room.

Buzzcocks is unique,

in that it unites a selection of big names, stars of the past and plenty

of emerging talent, some of whom are still yet to actually emerge.

In fact, why don't we turn this into a bit of a quickfire quiz?

See how many of the following

panellists from 1996 you can identify.

OK, let's set this to a random song from that era...

MUSIC: "Charmless Man" by Blur

Ooh, think I recognise this one. Off you go.

Ah, still friends with her.

Yeah. No, me neither.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yep. No.

Yeah. Er, yes.

And in a by-no-means cynical ploy to keep you watching,

I'll give you those answers later in the show.

But for now sit back and enjoy some of the more well-known panellists

from the class of '96.

Can I ask you to keep still a bit, cos the movement is scaring me?

It's a kind of Mexican wobble I get going.

# Tik-a-tik-a-tik-a-tik-a...

BOTH: # Der-ner-ne-e-er...

BOTH: # Der-ner-ne-e-er...

# Bow-now-na-na

# Bah-ba-ba-bah

# Bow-now-na-na

# Bah-ba-ba-bah

# Bow-now-na-na

# Bah-ba-ba-bah! #

Yeah, I've got it now!

Jonathan, d'you know what the answer is?

Well, can I have a couple of minutes?

Because I tell you for one, I know the tune.

I'm working through the rest of it to hit the lyrical bit that gives me the words.

That is sort of the point of this game.

I've never seen it done live before!

Cos the live version is always slightly different

from the album track! It's thrown me a bit.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, I'm going to hand that one over.

-Er, is it Pet Shop Boys, West End Girls?

-It is Pet Shop Boys.

I want to hear that again.

MUSIC: "West End Girls by Pet Shop Boys

-Oh, now...

-BAH-BA-BA-BAH!

In this round, we want one member of each side to describe

three songs to their team-mates in just one sentence.

They can't use any of the words in the title,

or name or describe the artist.

Oh, right.

The first song.

I require you to strike Bob...

utilising a drummer's wand.

-Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick?

-Yeah.

Pink. Spotty. Rubber. Twat.

Mr Blobby.

I don't know, I think this is difficult, but I think all...

-I know it is.

-You're the quizmaster, what do you care?

You're the Richard Whiteley of this show, you can do as you please.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm not coming back till you take that back!

I take it back!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I tell you what's even sadder is that I know Richard Whiteley.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I bet he's your dad.

Well, I can't carry on now, can I,

with that thought running through my head?

Do a word and I'll do an end-of-round in Countdown.

OK, breakfast.

Breakfast, right well, that's er, got me going for the day. So...

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-a-a...

# Da-da-da-da-da-a-a-a. #

It's a '70s song, was it a theme tune to something?

It's like watching Columbo deduce, isn't it?

Can we get him a coat and a cigar?

COLUMBO IMPRESSION: I think it's, er, '70s? Is it from the '70s?

-It's the theme tune to a detective series.

-No!

We could have had Po from the Teletubbies for another tenner!

-I'm going to pass it over.

-Go on, you say it. You got it.

-It was Fame.

-By?

-By Irene Cara.

-By Irene Cara, well done.

APPLAUSE

Can I just say, this is so scary,

I'm going to have my gay card taken away for not knowing that!

I mean that's so frightening!

I'm going to be disqualified! Gay bars will go,

"No! You got that wrong on Never Mind The Buzzcocks!

-"Get out of town!"

-What's the exam like when you get your card?

-It's very tough.

-Is it an oral?

The battle for Britpop supremacy was still raging in '96

and, well, my memory's a little hazy.

I'm pretty sure these guys were involved in some ways.

The rock band Oasis have cancelled the remainder of their American tour,

blaming what they call "internal differences."

The band's record company refused to deny rumours

that it could mean Oasis is about to split up.

-Is that Liam?

-'Yeah.'

Hello, Liam. It's Jeremy Vine from Newsnight here. How are you doing?

-'I'm

-BLEEP

-sound, how are you?'

-Not bad. Are you coming out?

-'Am I

-BLEEP?

-It's raining, mate.'

The nation found itself gripped with Euro 96 fever,

when football finally came home.

Should I presume we won?

Meanwhile, the country took another hit

as Charles and Diana called it a day.

The 15-year marriage of the Prince and Princess of Wales

came to a formal end this morning, with the granting

of a decree absolute at Somerset House in London.

Elsewhere, the British movie scene received a shot in the arm

with the release of Danny Boyle's seminal hit, Trainspotting.

'Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career...'

But whilst heroin was still destroying lives,

it was fast being overtaken by an even more destructive force.

Motivating.

Here we go! Here we go!

Turn around, turn around!

Wonder what happened to those two pint-sized pop stars?

1996 was also an eventful time in the charts.

Here's one of the year's biggest hits

via the medium of the ever-popular Intros round, as performed

by Phill Jupitus and St Etienne lead singer, Sarah "The Crack" Cracknell.

BOTH: BOOM! Jink-a-jink-a-jink-jink.

BOTH: BOOM! Jink-a-jink-a-jink-jink.

-BOTH: BOOM! BOTH: BOOM!

-Hey-hey-hey!

-BOTH: BOOM!

-Ah! Now we're on the right road.

-Boom! Jink-a-jink-jink! Boom!

-Hey-hey-hey!

# I'm the trouble starter

# Drunken instigator. #

Here are some more 1996-based chart highlights.

# Return of the mack... #

Leicester's finest law-abiding citizen Mark Morrison

brought us Return Of The Mack.

# You know that I'm your man... #

# It's like rain... #

Globally recognised icon of angst Alanis Morissette

explained irony to anyone that would listen.

# Oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh

# Mysterious girl... #

And people used to say, "Hey, who's this new guy?

"I'd like to see more of him on my TV!"

Now, THAT's ironic.

Peter Andre used to go out with Claire from Steps.

They say he wooed her by miming songs under her balcony.

At the height of his fame,

Peter Andre switched on the lights in Oxford Street,

something he still does every morning, just before he starts pushing the Hoover around Sock Shop.

Since the show's conception in '96,

hosts and captains have come and gone on Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

But one brave, fearless man has remained a constant throughout.

Phill Jupitus, music aficionado, bon vivant and team captain,

we salute you.

Our first team captain is a comedian

who's done more stand-up gigs than he's had hot dinners.

Well, maybe not. He's Phill Jupitus.

Here are five facts about Phill.

One, he's particularly good at singing intros to pop songs.

Don't jump on me! Don't jump on me!

One, two, three, four!

BOTH: # La-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la! #

Two, he can be a silver-tongued Lothario.

Just stop thinking about me in that way and get on with the quiz.

-I can't help it.

-He likes 'em funny, Dale.

-I do.

I like the bigger fuller figure.

I always think there should be a veranda over the toy shop, and he fits the bill.

What did you have for breakfast this morning, and use the voice.

What voice?!

Cottage cheese!

Just a spoonful, mind!

Ride me, ride me.

And if you thought that was flirty...

Three, a delicate soul, Phill can be a little bit sensitive.

While you're thinking, I should tell you

that they were famed for their extremely energetic live shows.

OK, so it can't be Number Four, then.

I didn't mean to do that to you, yeah? Sorry.

Phill! No, Phill!

APPLAUSE

Phill!

Four, Phill has cultivated a unique sartorial style.

By the way, I haven't been in for a while

but say hello to the Ugly Shirt Shop for me!

We look like the worst circus in the world, don't we?

Five, he can be easily distracted, but then again,

he does have a lot on his plate.

I want to know what Number Two

and Number Five are doing after the show.

-Which one would you want a bite of?

-Two is a big bun but Five's got egg.

Go, ladies! Go, ladies! Go, ladies!

Don't let him wobble about on the end. We'll all tip up.

It should be a beautiful, gorgeous supermodel slapping him.

It's just a ropey old fat bloke in a suit.

I'm so sorry!

A gig's a gig.

So there you have it - Phill Jupitus - team captain 1996-2013.

Hang on, he's not dead.

-You're my big cuddly teddy bear.

-OK.

Tricky, tricky. Tricky!

On a very unlucky Friday the 13th of February 1996, the nation

mourned as an earth-shattering announcement was made.

One which would change the world irreversibly.

The pop group Take That have confirmed they are to split up.

-Well, not quite irreversibly.

-Unfortunately, the rumours are true.

How Deep Is Your Love is going to be our last single together.

We've decided that the time is right.

We've done all that we can do as Take That.

From today, there's no more!

For millions of fans, life as we knew it was over.

-Some of us even needed grief counselling.

-I was gutted.

Really upset and I think they should have done another tour.

Other fans have started fasting and said they won't eat anything

until the group get back together.

I've been trying to keep the tears back

but I just can't hold them back.

I've seemed to put them before everything else

and I've realised, at my age, it's quite sad really.

I suppose now we can get on with things.

Buzzcocks was there like a sympathetic friend to provide

a shoulder to cry on and nurse us all through these tough times.

Actress Paula Hamilton and the fulfilment of every

red-blooded male's fantasy - pushing Take That into a reservoir.

Amazingly the video does have a happy ending because

Take That split up immediately afterwards.

Take That once shocked their fans by dropping their trousers and mooning.

Already the cracks had started to appear.

-I know what happens after that bit.

-What?

Satan's dressed as George Michael at the bottom and he catches Gary

and Mark follows.

Mark and Gary say, "Help us with our solo careers."

George gives Gary a song but doesn't tell him Andrew Ridgeley wrote it.

The he farts and Mark Owen goes, "I'm sorted for a career as well!"

That's what happened.

I'll have maximum points.

Always the talent spotter, Buzzcocks identified the band's

breakout star and was quick to book him on the show.

He's now a successful solo artist

and we've been asked not to mention his boy-band past.

He can take almost anything, but he can't take that!

# Da da da, da-da da-da da-da da

# Da da da, da-da da-da da-da da

# Da da-da-da

# Diddle-iddle iddle-iddle iddle-iddle la! #

No! I'm not accepting it.

Barlow was never going to be THE solo star.

-It was always going to be this guy.

-Sean's first guest is Mark Owen.

Ex of Take That and pop's cuddliest boy-next-door.

# Clementine, yah, yah, yah... #

Take That once agreed to do a national

tour on behalf of the Family Planning Association to

promote safe sex, but they pulled out at the last minute.

# Do-do do do do do-do do-do do... #

# Do-do do do do do-do... #

Looks like Adolf Hitler's gone funky.

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Morning, people.

# Another one bites the dust... #

That was such a treat when you said, "Everybody!"

This isn't Wembley, you know.

It's the biggest audience I've played in front of for two years.

To be honest, I don't remember the Eagles but apparently,

they were a massive five-piece band that all went solo and flopped.

-I have no idea what you're talking about.

-Not like me, obviously.

They couldn't dance! You're much better than them, Mark.

-I was.

-Not "was", you still are. It's not over!

It's not fair.

He misses Howard.

# Da-da da-da da da... #

But despite his burgeoning solo career,

Mark Owen found time to make regular appearances on the show.

By 2001, he was really letting his hair down.

HE SHOUTS LYRICS INAUDIBLY

There's highlights on the left side, more lights on the right side,

in the middle, there's Westlife.

CHEERING

The British obsession with Take That was to

extend beyond 1996 and as the years went by,

one former band member got a lasting taste of solo success.

Buzzcocks was quick to recognise this feat.

Robbie Williams claims he had sex with Geri Halliwell

and the neighbours still remember hearing the cries of

"Oh, Robbie, you're the best lover in the world." Although they

couldn't hear what Geri was saying.

In 2001, Robbie released a tribute album of classic covers called

Swing When You're Winning which I quite enjoyed.

I say "enjoyed". I tolerated it.

I say I "tolerated" it.

The only time I ever heard it, I ran face-first into a propeller.

Before showering under the outlet pipe of the dysentery clinic.

Then I superglued my tongue to a condemned meat lorry

and I was dragged through the high street of Nettletown.

This during the great dock leaf shortage...

..to my bath where I sat tossing in various unearthed electrical appliances.

And with my back to the taps.

Although, to be fair, having said that,

I thought Angels was shit as well.

Last week, I wanted to berate you, the Great British public,

for voting Angels the best single for the last 25 years.

I've done a quick list of other songs that maybe should have

been considered.

Number 1 - Ghost Town by The Specials. That's a better song

than Angels.

Number 2 - every single other song recorded in the last 25 years.

Including karaoke versions of Angels.

Even in more recent years with new Buzzcocks personnel,

Take That continued to be a fascinating conversation topic.

Shall we have a look at the clip?

Look at Mark Owen. I love how forceful he's trying to be there.

-When you hear him talk, it's that...

-HIGH-PITCH BABBLING

We think they got offered a gig at Glastonbury

but it was two months after the festival.

They're looking for the main stage.

-MANCHESTER ACCENT:

-It's round here somewhere. We're headlining.

Can we have a look at Robbie?

There's a bit where Robbie's standing on the wing of a plane.

I like to imagine the pilot went, Robbie,

I've left my wallet on the plane.

Pop out and get that. Yeah, just down the end. Rrrr!

Back to the band's early days.

Over to Jupitus and Lamarr for the final word.

This is an image that confuses me cos I don't know

if I'm hungry or gay.

I wonder if that's the only time Gary Barlow's had a big

number two on his chest.

Despite the demise of Take That,

Gary Barlow still lives off his enormous royalties.

While Jason Orange lives off the A423 in a hollowed-out tree.

Time now to take a look back at the first ever episode of Buzzcocks.

And a game that would go on to define the show.

Our next round is the ID Parade in which

we ask the teams to pick famous pop faces from the past out of a line-up.

If you ever lay awake at night wondering whatever happened

to mid-'80s keyboard wizard Paul Hardcastle of N-N-Nineteen

fame, from now on, you can sleep easy cos he's here with us tonight.

Here to remind the audience is Paul as he was in 1985.

MUSIC: "Nineteen" by Paul Hardcastle

That was then but what about now?

Five suspects but only one of them

sold billions of Vietnam-based records.

For two points, which one is the real Paul Hardcastle?

-I think it's Number Two.

-Why's that?

Cos that's Paul Hardcastle.

That's why.

Let's see. Would the real Paul Hardcastle step forward?

Paul now lives in America

where he recently sold over a million records

and what a car boot sale that was!

OK, back to our faces of '96 quiz. Let's see how you did.

In order of appearance, you saw Alan Davies - easy one to start.

Cathy Dennis, Martin Chambers from the Pretenders,

Andy McCluskey from OMD.

David McAlmont, Shovell, M-People. Nick Heyward, Haircut 100.

Martin Rossiter, lead singer of Gene.

Jo Whiley, hasn't really changed.

Marcella Detroit, Shakespeare's Sister. Richie from Let Loose.

Richard Fairbrass, Right Said Fred.

Glenn Tilbrook, Squeeze and Neil Hannon, The Divine Comedy.

We can all sleep easy now.

There it is.

A roundup of 1996 through the prism that is Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

I'm Alex James and we're going to play you out with the Fugees

and the biggest selling single of that year.

Thank you and good night.

# Singing my life with his words

# Killing me softly with his song

# Killing me softly

# With his song

# Telling my whole life

# With his words

# Killing me softly

# With his song... #