2004 What a Load of Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

'One eventful night in 1996, comedy and rock'n'roll

'had an ill-advised fumble with devastating effects.

'The resulting offspring would soon become famed for its acerbic wit,

'musical know-how and celebrity-ish friends.

'It soon became known as Never Mind The Buzzcocks.'

Calm down, God! It's only a pop quiz!

-'Always the first in line to offer words of wisdom and compassion...'

-Come on, bell-end, do something.

'..this show became an oracle for the world of entertainment.'

I'm Simon Amstell. If you think I'm a poor booking, let's meet the guests.

-'And when it comes to splits, spats...'

-See you later.

-What? We're having fun!

-I ain't.

'..and identifying somebody from a line-up, Buzzcocks has seen it all.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'So join us as we stumble down memory lane

'and see a little bit of this, that and them.

'You're watching What A Load Of Buzzcocks 2004.

'The year started on a dramatic note.'

I just want to say one thing about the, er, half-time entertainment

which we found, er, offensive,

embarrassing to us and our fans and inappropriate.

Janet Jackson's revealing performance at the American Super Bowl

has provoked 200,000 complaints.

There's to be a congressional inquiry into broadcast indecency.

# Better have you naked by the end of this song #

'And then we were hit with tragedy.'

Chart-topping Irish boyband Westlife, who've sold 30 million records

to youngsters, their mums and even their grannies, are losing singer Brian McFadden.

I haven't really been able to commit 100 percent to Westlife

and I haven't been able to commit 100 percent to my family.

We've enjoyed some unbelievable times with you throughout the years

and always hold you and them very close to our hearts.

Excuse me.

# Dry your eyes, mate

# I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up #

'So as one of music's great hopes embarked on his solo career,

'Buzzcocks was of course quick to offer its full backing.'

They're nothing without him, but they weren't really much with him. LAUGHTER

-Mark, they only need one taxi now.

-Yeah, that's good. LAUGHTER

It's a good job they know what taxis look like, cos they'll be driving them in two years.

Although you'd never guess it from their music, Westlife are massive fans of Simple Minds.

Either that, or it was just coincidence they had it written on the top of their school reports.

Ever since Wheatus mentioned they like frogs, their fans shower them with frogs when they go on stage.

I happen to know that Westlife are big fans of balloons filled with broken glass.

LAUGHTER

They're on tour soon. Show them you love them. LAUGHTER

'You might be wondering why Brian deserves such vitriol.

'Well, let's just say him and Mark were friends from way back.'

# You're the air that I breathe

# Yeah, oh, me-e-hee

# Hey-ee-hey-hey-hey

-How ya doing?

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Why don't you have a go on Mark?

-Too greasy.

-LAUGHTER

The observations are flying thick and fast. Well, thick, anyway.

-LAUGHTER

-I'll have a shot on you. Can I have a shot on you?

You mime, OK? Quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Your grip on my shoulders was a little bit too firm there.

LAUGHTER

It wasn't your first time, I'm guessing. LAUGHTER

You are the freakiest little fella I've ever seen.

LAUGHTER

'From Lamarr through to Amstell, Buzzcocks dutifully continued to offer wise words on Westlife.'

Ugh, Awful people. That was...

LAUGHTER

I just want to see this back again. There's this fantastic bit of Westlife

where he can't actually wink.

-He's trying to...

-LAUGHTER

-Eyes like that!

-He's trying to wink!

"Now, is it the one eye, just the one at a time?"

LAUGHTER

They're numpties. And there's a fantastic shot

where he's looking absolutely terrified with a mop.

-I love this one.

-LAUGHTER

-He's just seen a musical instrument.

-LAUGHTER

Or he's holding a mop and seeing his future suddenly. LAUGHTER

'Here on Buzzcocks, we like to keep it in the family,

'so it was particularly lovely when we were joined by Brian's wife, ex-Atomic Kitten Kerry Katona.'

-# Ba-da-ba-ba-ba

-# Yeah

-# Ba-da-ba-ba-baa #

-I'm crap, aren't I?

Well, no. At least you left the band.

LAUGHTER

-Do you not get on with that lot anymore?

-Yeah, Natasha was my bridesmaid.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

-The one that replaced you? The evil one?

-No.

-LAUGHTER

-You've got to keep going until you get the right answer.

-Cos I Got Hard by Afroman.

-Oh, that is the right answer!

-That's what I said first!

-No, it's not.

LAUGHTER

We do tape this and we can check. That isn't what you said.

-But you've got it now so it doesn't matter.

-Yeah, OK.

Watch it on your anniversary, it won't look so bad. LAUGHTER

If you're still together. LAUGHTER

No, I sincerely apologise for that.

That was... She's only been married two weeks. That was terrible. I do apologise.

'2004 was a year jam-packed full of scandal.

'In a hat trick of revelations, England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson

-'was caught playing away from home.'

-No more comments.

'Wayne Rooney showed a healthy respect for his elders.

'And Becks hit back at the press and his former PA, Rebecca Loos.

'As far as he's concerned, it was all one big porky.'

-My forearms are killing me.

-I've been called a bad father, I've been called a bad husband,

and my wife's been called a bad mother. But I'm actually a nice person, as well.

'All purely speculation, of course.'

David Beckham has publicly claimed that he's a massive fan of Nelly.

His favourite bit is when he packs his trunk and says goodbye to the circus.

LAUGHTER

He's looking over going, "Are you Rebecca Loos, cos, er, is there any chance..."

I was thinking, if Rebecca Loos had met Craig David, that whole song would've taken place on the one day.

LAUGHTER

'So 2004 was proving to be a tough year for the Beckhams.

'Still, at least they could rely on their old friends.'

Actually, we was in the photo shoot today and we heard Victoria laughing,

which doesn't happy very often, but then we went upstairs

-and we found the tape and she even mimes that.

-LAUGHTER

I can't believe even you lot do jokes about her.

LAUGHTER The great thing is, she don't get them.

LAUGHTER

'2004 wasn't all scandal and break-ups,

'because the nation witnessed a genuine fairytale love story,

'one that would catapult a certain six-packed Aussie back into our lives.'

It's the most unwelcome comeback since Jimmy Hendrix's vomit.

LAUGHTER

Peter "Half a chromosome away from a special parking sticker" Andre. LAUGHTER

# This is insane

At the lowest point in his career, Peter Andre's credit card was turned down at Battersea Dogs' Home.

LAUGHTER It's true. It's absolutely true.

However, since then, he has found another way of picking up stray mongrels with plastic.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Over the years, the ID parade has established itself

'as one of Buzzcocks' most eagerly anticipated rounds,

'becoming an instant hit with pop nostalgists and fans of judicial procedure.

'Here are our top five ID parade moments from 2004.

'At number five, an angry pirate.'

Let's all go and face him, come on. LAUGHTER

Let's go and stare him down, see how long he can keep it up.

LAUGHTER

He's trying to intimidate us!

LAUGHTER

The more you lean in, the more he does!

Either that, or his back's going. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER Oh, don't be scared!

'At number four, Amy Winehouse making a confident Buzzcocks debut.'

Number four, you know, he's quite creative and musical

to say, "I want to wear the pink shirt!" That's quite...

Yeah, he's really got a look on his face of, "I chose this shirt."

LAUGHTER

-I think it's, erm...

-Remember what you've got to call him.

-Mr Number Five!

-I think Rich is going to disagree out of churlishness.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-I'm not walking into this trap!

-Max, can you and number three swap?

OK. Who do you think it is?

-There's something sinister about this whole thing.

-LAUGHTER

Would the real Max please step forward.

What's he doing? LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'At number three, Lisa Scott-Lee digging herself a big, fat hole.'

It could be number three, but I don't mean to be rude,

but I don't know if he's put weight on, because he was slimmer in the video!

-Oh, you got a look there, Lisa!

-I don't know...

-SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, but even if it's not him, you're still...

Old chub rock in the middle there. LAUGHTER

-Come on, put me out of my misery.

-I'd love to.

LAUGHTER

-I feel really bad for number three. I just want to make him...

-I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude.

-Whatever you're doing, I won't make him feel better.

-Well, it'll make him look thinner.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's find out. Would the real Aaron please make himself known.

-Yeah!

-Ohh! APPLAUSE

'In at number two, it's a double Bill.'

Is number two Bill's brother?

LAUGHTER

Bill, did you leave something behind in the pod?

LAUGHTER

'And at number one, Buzzcocks pulls out all the stops and books the Spice Girls!'

Is number one Dash?

Or is it number two, Posh? LAUGHTER

Or is it number three, Sporty? LAUGHTER

Is it number four, Scary? LAUGHTER

Or is it number five, Geri Halliwell?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Ohh.

-LAUGHTER

You know what the loveliest thing is on the Motown night?

All the trainers there are like, "Stop in the name of love."

LAUGHTER

Look at them. The worst Supremes tribute act you'll ever see. LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE: Aww!

This isn't how we normally pick someone. LAUGHTER

-It's number four.

-LAUGHTER

-Number four.

-Let's find out. Would the real Dash please make himself known.

LAUGHTER It's actually the one you're holding.

-Is it this one?

-This is him!

-Oh, wow!

-APPLAUSE

'2004 was a year of new beginnings.

'The self-proclaimed saviour of Radio 1 arrived

'and Strictly made its debut

'and brought Brucey's groundbreaking and entertaining new catchphrase.'

-It's nice to twirl you, to twirl you...

-ALL: Nice!

'It was also a year of things drawing to a close.

'2004 was the one where Friends disappeared from our screens for good.

'If only someone would show some reruns once in a while.

'Barry's time in the Square came to an utterly convincing end.'

-Get off me!

-HE SCREAMS

'And never to be upstaged, Britney was starring in her own soap opera.'

# Everybody's talking...

The singer wed a childhood friend in a whirlwind ceremony at Las Vegas at the weekend.

Apparently, just hours after she said, "I do,"

Britney was meeting lawyers to try to say, "I didn't really mean it."

'So with that chapter over, Britney was able to focus on

'marrying hubby number two, K-Fed.'

It's kind of interesting to see how we fell in love, got in fights,

everything, you know, is just kind of there.

'Over the years, Buzzcocks has often pondered the enigma that is Britney Spears.

'She started off as a sweet little Mouseketeer

'and then met her first true love.'

Despite being a virgin, Britney lives with 'N Sync's Justin Timberlake,

although when she dresses up as a schoolgirl, it's him who says, "Oops, I did it again."

And when I say 'N Sync, I mean mainly in sock. LAUGHTER

After the release of Baby One More Time, Britney was photographed stroking My Little Pony.

LAUGHTER

I wish. LAUGHTER

Britney Spears has been romantically linked with Prince William.

If they were to get married, Britney could become queen of England.

Get your pen out, Elton, I sense a crash coming on.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

'But as she got older, the rebellion started.

'Here's Mark Lamarr with a ten-word summary of Britney's career.'

Virgin, virgin, virgin, virgin,

virgin, virgin, virgin, snogged Madonna, trollop.

LAUGHTER

You were right, it's Britney Spears.

# Don't you know that you're toxic? #

-Thunderbirds, the slutty years.

-LAUGHTER

-Very easyJet.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Miss Blatt. APPLAUSE

I'd like to shake your hand and I'd like to give you this award on behalf of Buzzcocks.

'And our fascination with Britney continued as she remained firmly in the headlines.'

-You made her cry, didn't you?

-Well...

How did you do that? Did you say that Santa Claus didn't exist or something?

LAUGHTER I just suggested that she might have gone a bit nuts recently.

And she took that personally. LAUGHTER

I feel reluctant to say anything about Britney, cos this show doesn't go out for a couple of weeks

and her story changes so often. I feel maybe we should cover ourselves.

I can't believe that picture of her with a cake up her bottom!

LAUGHTER

Blimey! Might we not do something about Britney and that rare bird egg?

LAUGHTER

Unbelievably, she's the new voice of Carphone Warehouse?

LAUGHTER

She's got her life back together and is now recording a new album?

Well, just in case. LAUGHTER

'2004 saw many a memorable song released.

'20 years on from the original recording,

'we were shocked by a humanitarian tragedy on a global scale.'

# Spare a thought this yuletide for the deprived, if the tables turned, would you survive?

-# Here's to them...

-'Personally, I thought Dizzee Rascal's rap was all right.'

# You ain't gotta feel guilt, just selfless, give a little help to the helpless

'Eamon had a massive number one with a dig at his ex-girlfriend, Frankee.'

-# I don't want you back

-# Fuck all those nights...

'And, as they say, hell hath no fury like a woman who's also in on a PR angle.

-'Frankee had this to say back to Eamon.'

-# Well, guess what, yo, your sex was whack

# All this time

'Michelle McManus became the winner of Pop Idol before Pop Idol lost out to X Factor.

-'More on that shortly.'

-# I've waited a lifetime for today

# I'm praying this moment's here to stay

# Call on me, call me

# I'm the same boy I used to be

'And this hit led to discussion and debate in pubs up and down the country.

'I mean, I still don't know. It is Eric "Price" or Eric "Prids"?'

# Call me, call on me

# I'm the same boy I used to be #

Call On Me, reaching number one. Which of our line-up is the video's aerobics instructor, Deanne Berry?

So, is number one Deanne Berry?

Or is it number two, Bruised Peaches. LAUGHTER

Is it number three, Pickled Gooseberry? LAUGHTER

Is it number four, Hidden Banana? LAUGHTER

Or is it number five, Shrivelled Plums?

LAUGHTER

Cos you said that about number five, Mark, he was thinking, "That makes me mad."

LAUGHTER

-I'm at a loss for words.

-You know what? I can help you narrow it down.

-Right, OK.

-It's not number five.

LAUGHTER

Although, it could've been filmed a long time ago. LAUGHTER

It's amazing how he's managed to have gotten sadder since he came on. LAUGHTER

I like the idea of number five going home tonight, he's got four sweet phone numbers in his pocket.

In that changing room...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's definitely number three. Definitely.

OK. Let's find out. Would the real Deanne Berry please step forward.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Buzzcocks has played host to some unruly characters over the years,

'and as a result, has always required strong leadership.

'2004 saw Mark Lamarr celebrate

'his eighth year in the Buzzcocks hot seat.'

# Hallelujah

'When the show launched in 1996,

'it brought with it a fresh-faced 29-year-old comedian

'with a razor-sharp hair-do and an even sharper tongue.'

-You're better than this!

-You're not. LAUGHTER

'Lamarr put his heart and soul into the show.'

# Why do you build me up

# Buttercup baby, just to let me down?

'He presented Buzzcocks a record 156 times and had a wonderful way with people.'

-I'm write you a poem right now.

-OK.

-What rhymes with "shut the (BLEEP) up"?

-LAUGHTER

-Kiss my black ass.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'However, as the years went by, Lamarr's naturally positive outlook on life began to fade.'

Let's just see what the future holds for us.

Ah, I see half an hour of bitter disappointment in store.

'And in the intensity of the Buzzcocks pressure cooker,

'things were reaching boiling point.'

Oi, Richard. You're supposed to be my mate!

LAUGHTER

He's Alice Cooper! He knows!

She's... Oh, she's winning!

Oh, bring much shame on pop quiz. LAUGHTER

Number five you're going for. Is that your final answer?

That's your final answer. Not only did you say number five, my friend,

but your friend there said you, as well, while he was talking to me.

Five. Let's see if, indeed, I am Bob Cotton of The Jets!

-Let's find out!

-Fingers crossed!

-Would the real...

And notice how still my feet are going to be.

..Bob Cotton please make himself known!

Ha-ha!

Aghhh! Mmm.

# The moment you want it, you better never let it go

# You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

# This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

LAUGHTER

I knew it would come in handy!

-Agh!

-I'm doing a Pete Townshend beating!

-Agh!

-# People try to put us down

LAUGHTER

Ben, the two of us need look no more.

-What we're looking for?

-In the burrow.

LAUGHTER

Aghh!

Right, that's the end of the show. It hasn't been one I've particularly enjoyed,

but I would like to thank the people who've been on, Phil, Louis and Ben, Bill, Jason and Lara.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I've been Mark Lamarr

and I really did think after last week, I'd give it another try.

LAUGHTER

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

And they said I couldn't polish it.

'2004 saw the launch of the little-known talent contest.'

The winner of The X Factor is..

'Well, we all know the real winner was Simon, but just say Steve for now.

'Steve! Steve! Say it! Steve!'

-..Steve!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-'There we go!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Before long, X Factor contestants were everywhere, like daffodils in spring or an unpleasant rash.'

Tonight, the next lines will be performed by two X Factor...

I don't like the word losers, but, er, I'm left with very little choice. LAUGHTER

Bill, Ben and Annie, you've got Sumon Sen Yow

and I would like you to sing your answers back in a similar style to which they are proffered to you.

# You drive me crazy

-# I just can't sleep

-Maybe not this one.

# I'm so excited, I live too deep

# You drive me crazy

# Whoa, the hokey-hokey-cokey

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-# Whoa, the hokey-cokey

# Whoa, the hokey-cokey

# Knees bent, arms stretched, rah-rah-rah #

-Which one did you like least of the X Factor judges?

-I hated Louis.

You hated Louis? You're wrong, Sharon Osbourne. LAUGHTER

She does that cruel thing... What's it called when you have the fat sucked out of you? Liposuction.

She has it sucked out of her and pumped into her daughter and that's cruel.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE That's not good mothering.

'In the years since 2004,

'Buzzcocks has been inundated with X Factor hosts, judges and losers.

-'Oh, the late, great JLS.'

-A one, two, three, four.

-One... It's on four!

-LAUGHTER

I thought you was going to start with the bass. Sorry.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

HE LAUGHS Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a fucking idiot.

# Well, you can get delirious

# Take life too serious

# It's Chico time #

-Chico's here! Bloody Chico!

-I know.

-Kristen, I feel I should explain Chico to you.

-Thank you, Simon.

Last year, Chico was on the talent show X Factor and was very popular

for dancing around with small children with his shirt off. LAUGHTER

He was a huge star, though. He had a time named after him.

-LAUGHTER

-I think I know which one Chico is out of the line-up.

Well, yeah, we all know which one... LAUGHTER

If we didn't know, it would be the one who looks most happy with himself.

Stood going, "I'm the real Chico. These people are deluded wannabes."

LAUGHTER

-Do you know which one's Chico?

-Who, me?

-Yeah.

-I've never heard of Chico.

-What are you talking about?

-I don't even know who you are!

-LAUGHTER I'm very famous.

-I know!

I went up to number two and said, "I liked you on Pop World."

LAUGHTER

Would the real Chico please step forward.

LAUGHTER

-He's funny! He really is funny!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's Chico!

'Desperate for the X Factor low-down,

'we decided to infiltrate Simon Cowell's inner circle.'

Sinitta, I saw that you have a book coming out soon.

-Mm-hm.

-There were details on the website of what we can expect from Sinitta's book.

-No!

LAUGHTER You will learn X Factor secrets.

Oooh! What are the secrets?

-You have to buy the book.

-I did hear it was cleverly edited

to make the winner look like they were going to have a career. I heard that.

I think you should talk to Cowell. You know him. He's your ex...

-Yeah.

-I know you're happily married now.

And this time to a heterosexual, which is nice.

-LAUGHTER

-Were you married to Cowell?

-We were never married.

-Didn't get through to the final round.

-Ah.

-Right...

LAUGHTER

'Next up for interrogation, Dermot.'

-Are you enjoying the X Factor? Are you having fun?

-I'm having a great time. Are you enjoying it?

-Yeah, of course.

-Do you watch it?

-Yes, yes.

Please tell me you sit down with a cup of tea at home and sincerely watch a bit of TV,

rather than going, "Oh, I can make some jokes about this."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Why don't we talk about the X Factor?

-Is it nice talk or nasty talk?

-Nice talk!

-OK, come on.

-New judges this year.

-Cheryl Cole, do you like her?

Yeah, she's fun, isn't she? Is it weird that we've all forgotten what an awful, violent thug she is?

-She's so not a violent thug!

-That's true.

-That's it, isn't it? LAUGHTER

-That's true.

-Come on.

-Time to go to the wood shed.

-LAUGHTER

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'X Factor contestants really were the gift that kept on giving.'

-I went to a dog race before.

-You went to a dog race?

-Jumping over jumps.

You know the dog races and we one time bet money on it, OK?

We were below the age, OK? But we still did it, anyway.

And the one that always goes to the... I don't know,

yeah, before the race, kind of sometimes always wins.

Well, it's been a super anecdote but we have to move on.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You two are what I imagine John and Edward to be like in 30 years.

-LAUGHTER

-Let's go like that. Come on.

-APPLAUSE

-No, yes, no!

You know, so, who you gonna call?

BOTH: Ghostbusters!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Back to Mark Lamarr to wrap things up.'

Hello, I'm Louis Walsh, turd polisher. LAUGHTER

-Shut up. It's far off that.

-Don't shut up me!

Of all the people in the world you can tell to shut up, you pick on me!

LAUGHTER

Is this what you're like on X Factor? LAUGHTER

-That's a real TV show.

-LAUGHTER

It doesn't bother me cos no-one watches this one, so that showed him. LAUGHTER

-Join in, bitch!

-# Hey-ya

'So, that was 2004 through the eyes of Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

'And for all you anoraks out there, here's a roll call of some of the faces you saw in today's show.

'Let's start off with Vanessa Feltz, Matt Willis, Roni Size,

'Keith from The Office, Toyah Wilcox, Martha Stewart,

'All Saint Mel Blatt, Graham Gouldman from 10CC,

'Daphne and Celeste, Madge from Neighbours,

'Ed Byrne, Sheila Ferguson, Annie Mac, Flight of the Conchords' Kirsten Schaal,

'Nick Hodgson from Kaiser Chiefs, Dom Joly, Arlene Phillips,

'Keith Murray from We Are Scientists, Charlie Higson, and not forgetting Dash the dog.

'I'm Alex James and that was 2004, What A Load Of Buzzcocks.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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