1998 What a Load of Buzzcocks

One eventful night in 1996,

comedy and rock'n'roll had an ill-advised fumble

with devastating effects.

The resulting offspring would soon become famed for its acerbic wit,

musical know-how and celebrity-ish friends.

It soon became known as Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Calm down, God! It's only a pop quiz!

Always the first in line to offer words of wisdom and compassion...

Come on, bellends, do something!

..this show became an oracle for the world of entertainment.

I'm Simon Amstell and if you think I'm a poor booking,

let's meet tonight's guests.

And when it comes to splits, spats...

-See you later.

-Why? We're having fun!

-I ain't.

..and guessing which member of a line-up used to be the drummer

in some band you barely remember, Buzzcocks has seen it all.

So join us as we stumble down memory lane

and see a little bit of this, that and them.

You are watching...

A year which saw one of Britain's hottest exports

make a big splash in Hollywood.

Police in Beverly Hills have confirmed

that the singer George Michael has been charged

with committing a lewd act in a park toilet.

Members of our Crime Suppression Unit were monitoring the park yesterday

and did observe Mr Michael engaged in a lewd act.

In an interview for American television,

he said he had put himself in a stupid and vulnerable situation.

Up until a few years ago, people had no idea that George Michael was gay.

Gradually, of course, the clues revealed themselves - there was the disco music, the earring

and the waving a cock in a policeman's face in a public toilet.

LAUGHTER

During his dispute with Sony, George Michael did absolutely nothing for four years.

He got the idea from Andrew Ridgeley's contribution to Wham!

Despite his indiscretions, George and his tunes

have always managed to work Buzzcocks into a frenzy.

THEY HUM

Andrew!

-Careless Whisper, by George Michael.

-You're quite right, one point.

And not to be outdone, the Spice Girls also whipped out a member.

After days of speculation, Geri Halliwell, otherwise known as Ginger Spice,

has confirmed that she has left the Spice Girls.

SHE SCREAMS

I don't believe it, not Geri. Geri's my favourite.

Geri is the one that keeps it all together. She's the one with the bounce, the go, girl power.

I think they'll just carry on as normal without her,

but without a mouthy ginger woman.

Thanks, Chris.

Where's Geri gone?

SHE SINGS: Where has Geri gone?

THEY SING: Where has Geri gone?

Naturally, Geri decided to become a UN spokesperson.

Here's her spokesperson to explain.

Sadly, I would like to confirm that I have left the Spice Girls.

This is because of differences between us.

MUSIC: "Goodbye" by the Spice Girls

And over at Buzzcocks HQ, Mark Lamarr clearly had a soft spot

for a certain former Spice Girl.

Just last week, the famous Union Jack dress worn by Geri Spice was auctioned for £40,000.

It was particularly valuable as it was the one she wore at the coronation of Queen Victoria.

Geri is an obsessive devotee of yoga and, with any luck,

she'll carry on until she actually does disappear up her own arse.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Geri Halliwell was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness

and, though she doesn't practise any more, she still likes being knocked up early on a Sunday morning.

LAUGHTER

Actually, can we, can we just show the beginning of the Geri Halliwell video,

because there's actually evidence of an anal probe going on right near the beginning.

-There it is!

-There it is.

She kind of liked it.

Imagine travelling all that time just to poke Geri Halliwell in the arse.

In time-honoured fashion,

the Spice Girls vowed to remain defiantly intact.

But surely, there was no harm in stretching themselves artistically

with a quick solo project.

First up, Mel B joined forces with Missy Elliot

and hit the Number 1 spot in September 1998 with this.

MUSIC: "I Want You Back" by Melanie B and Missy Elliott

SHE LAUGHS

Number four looks like he's been there, seen it, done it.

LAUGHTER

I think number six, Mark,

looks like she's had some wild willy in her time.

LAUGHTER

Very funny!

Now, you think it's...

-I think it's four, without a doubt.

-She thinks it's four.

-Now, even though Sean knows John...

-Do you?

I can't just come out, "Hi, John, how are you doing, number two?"

-Yeah, you can, cos you're on our side, so do it!

-Exactly!

-You should know who it is.

-I've said it.

He does know who it is!

You are going to get battered.

Oh, right, yeah, talking about yourself again. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I'm rubber, you're glue, bounces off me, sticks to you.

LAUGHTER

Could you two please just have sex and get it over with?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next out of the blocks, Sporty Spice teamed up

with Canadian gravel-voiced soft rocker Bryan Adams.

Here's Mel taking part in an old Buzzcocks' favourite -

the Indecipherable Lyrics round.

And I reckon this whole song is actually about, you know,

the three brothers going to Wigan for a night out.

And they were trying to get like sorted for the night,

so, you know, I'll read you the words, anyway.

Well, first of all, "I get a lump and I get high,"

which I reckon he means like a lump of puff.

Right. A lump of puff, did you say?

You know... Wacky baccy, yeah.

So, anyway, he can't get any Es, but, you know, he's really trying.

So he's going to Wigan Heaven in his shoes.

"I'm on Temazepam So I just can't lose

"You know, it's all right, it's OK I'll live to see another day

"We can try to understand Where did you put the Rizlas, man?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's hear you singing it along with the brothers.

MUSIC: "Stayin' Alive" by Bee Gees

# I get a lump and I get high

# I can't get Es, but I really try

# I'm going to Wigan Heaven in my shoes

# I'm on Temazepam and I just can't lose

# You know, it's all right, it's OK I'll live to see another day

# And we can try to understand

# Where did you put the Rizlas, man? #

Nice work!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Over the years, Mel C has become a firm friend of the show

with regular appearances.

Your mum didn't call you Sporty as a kid, did she?

-Christened Sporty.

-Really?

-Melanie C Sporty Chisholm.

Jism what?

LAUGHTER

Sporty Jism...

I wish!

LAUGHTER

-Mel, are you all right?

-Yeah.

Do you remember when we all thought you were a lesbian, that was weird, wasn't it?

Why was that?

I think because I had short hair, tattoos

and I didn't have a boyfriend.

Of course, now, it's just a silly rumour. You're pregnant now.

Well, you know what, I'm trying to sell my records.

And which of the Spice Girls' children would you least like her to turn out like?

LAUGHTER

-They're all lovely.

-Which would you say is the worst mother?

LAUGHTER

Can you imagine if I seriously just said one of them?

Just say, "Oh, it's Emma, she's a real awful bitch."

LAUGHTER

When you were the Spice Girls, if you'd actually been named after spices,

-I suppose you'd have been nutmeg, yeah?

-Why is that?

-Well, because you're kind of hard, aren't you?

-I think that's a misconception about me.

-Now I've met you, I feel terrible about saying that.

-I'm really soft, yeah.

I suppose Baby would have been vanilla, cos it's kind of bland.

No.

All right, well, let's call her garlic, cos she's bulbous. No?

I suppose, Mel B would have been cumin,

cos she's a mucky bastard, isn't she?

LAUGHTER

-That is fitting.

-Fair enough, innit?

-Fair play.

Thank you, it's a privilege to have you here.

LAUGHTER

The Spice Girls and their music

were a constant source of entertainment on Buzzcocks.

Recognise this one, Spice fans?

THEY HUM

HE BRAYS

THEY HUM

HE SCREAMS

HE SCREAMS

HE BARKS

APPLAUSE

-Have you finished?

-Yeah, go on.

-It's that Spice Girls one, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Which one?

-It's, er...Say You'll Be There.

It is Say You'll Be There, well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With its floppy hairdos, swaggering frontmen

and misjudged dance moves,

the '90s saw Indie dominating the musical landscape.

1998 was a very exciting time for Buzzcocks,

as it saw two members of Indie Manc Royalty grace the studio.

First up, Happy Mondays' lord of the dance Bez.

HE HUMS

Oh, I've forgotten how it goes.

LAUGHTER

-I'll do it then.

-Come on.

-Just dance!

-I'll dance, yeah.

Hey, do that helpful dance that you've been doing.

LAUGHTER

You're twisting his melon, man.

LAUGHTER

Right, go on.

THEY HUM

HE HUMS LOUDER

Dance!

All right, hold on, that's enough there. Can someone get in touch with Desmond Morris?

Cos I've forgotten what separates us from the animals.

LAUGHTER

-I have no idea at all.

-Really?

It's quite an easy one, I'll pass it over.

-Born Slippy.

-It was Born Slippy, by Underworld.

APPLAUSE

Let's play it.

MUSIC: "Born Slippy" by Underworld

LAUGHTER

Next up, the Stone Roses' four-string king Mani.

THEY IMITATE DRUMS

See you later, man.

LAUGHTER

Oh! I know this one, I've heard this somewhere before, haven't I?

It's got a bit of Fools Gold...

-It is Fools Gold, by the Stone Roses, well done.

-It's yours!

APPLAUSE

In 1990, the Stone Roses played to 30,000 people

on a patch of waste ground surrounded by factories and chemical plants

or, to give it its proper name, Manchester.

LAUGHTER

1998 saw a multitude of other Indie faces appear on the show.

Sing along if you can remember the words.

# It's all over the front page

# You give me road rage... #

# If it's good enough for you It's good enough for me

# It's good enough for two It's what I want to see... #

# Are you going for gold... #

# You were just my inbetween Just my inbetween

# You're such an inbetweener... #

# Tequila

# It makes me happy

# Con Tequila, it feels fine

# Con Tequila when the doors are opened... #

Nice to see Buzzcocks' very own Sean Hughes

popping up and making a cameo there.

# ..Tequila... #

1998 was a year of confusion.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Seems pretty straightforward.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky

that was not appropriate.

Hang on, I thought he said... Oh, never mind.

Also in need of a trip to the dry cleaners...

The Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott found himself comforted

by one of the Spice Girls at the BRIT Awards last night

after being soaked with a bucket of ice.

John Prescott was given the cold shoulder at the BRITS,

not to mention a cold back, front and arse

by Chumbawamba singer Danbert Nobacon.

Talking of no Bacon...

You'll no doubt have heard that Richard is no longer on the programme.

Yes, he agrees he had to leave

and, like you, we are really going to miss him.

I believe that Richard has not only let himself

and the team on Blue Peter down,

but he's also let all of you down badly.

-Come on, boys.

-Easy there.

-Good luck.

SHE SNIFFS HE SNIFFS

Were you sniffing, Katy Hill?

Has Richard Bacon been dealing to you?

Actually, you spent the afternoon with Katy, what, are there any dark bits?

Easy!

LAUGHTER

'98 saw England tragically knocked out of another World Cup,

but on the bright side, many of us learnt to tie a sarong.

ENGLAND!

We also saw yogurt's Martine McCutcheon

make her own dramatic exit from Albert Square.

BRAKES SQUEAL

SHE YELLS

Oh!

Oh, please...

He's allowed to, you lot took your time.

Look, don't you get stroppy with me.

I'm allowed to get stroppy, I'm a woman.

Martine, you were road kill three months ago.

LAUGHTER

You know when they always say to comedians,

"What's the best heckle you've ever heard?"

Do you remember you were on Live And Kicking and someone said,

"Where do you see yourself in ten years' time?"

And a kid in the audience shouted, "UK Gold."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What a great heckle that was!

I'm... I just want to say I'm a big fan of yours.

LAUGHTER

1998 chart news now and here's one of the year's biggest hits

as performed to this encyclopaedic fountain of musical knowledge,

Chris 'The Music Man' Moyles.

THEY HUM

THEY IMITATE DRUMS AND TRUMPETS

-Come on!

-I'm only 24.

LAUGHTER

It was a big hit on Radio 1 this year, I think.

-It was what?

-Big hit on Radio 1 this year. Do you not listen to them?

LAUGHTER

Let's play it and find out what it should have been.

Very good version, I think.

MUSIC: "Dance The Night Away" by The Mavericks

# Just wanna dance the night away... #

The answer was, of course, The Mavericks,

with Dance The Night Away.

And here are some of the other tunes we danced to in 1998.

Robbie Williams had a huge hit with Millennium.

Bit of pop trivia,

this video was actually filmed inside one of Phill Jupitus' shirts.

1998 was a bumper year for All Saints

as they achieved two BRIT awards and two Number 1 singles.

More on them later.

And eight years after her last solo number one,

Cher finally found her voice.

Well, she found somebody's voice.

ELECTRONICALLY ALTERED VOICE: # And I can't break through There's no talking to you... #

So... ELECTRONICALLY ALTERED: ..sad that you're leaving.

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

I'm afraid the real answer was...

ELECTRONICALLY ALTERED: # It takes time to believe in, but I can't break through. #

APPLAUSE

Buzzcocks has featured nearly 1,000 panellists

in its 17-year run.

But one man holds the record for the most guest appearances.

A feat that requires gargantuan levels of patience,

determination...and availability.

Richard Fairbrass of Right Said Fred

has guested on the show

a record-breaking seven times.

Let's enjoy some of his best Buzzcocks bits.

-I've kissed girls too, you know, I have.

-Not the same way.

I wasn't too keen, but I have done it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It is true to say

that I have been a player of the pink oboe.

LAUGHTER

And I can raise a real tune on it, occasionally.

Really?

But not for some time.

LAUGHTER

It's the idea of him in bed with someone and just the duvet

and underneath the duvet...

HE HUMS: "Pennsylvania 6-5000" by Hotel Pennsylvania

If you know the holes to put your finger on, you can play a tune.

LAUGHTER

-You're always like this when I'm on the show!

-I know.

We should just go out, kiss and get it over with.

-I'm... Let's kiss now.

-You're kissing everything.

Let's do the gay Buzzcocks kiss.

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ugh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know, I've actually done more shows than Bill.

On one of the many, many glorious shows

that I've done in this programme,

Lemmy was on it.

-He was!

-And he walked off.

But he walked off after we'd finished recording.

-He didn't know that, I think he thought he was making a huge statement.

-OK, yeah.

When he walked out the studio with his Jack Daniels and his roadies,

Fairbrass came up behind me and went, "I think he's overcompensating for something."

LAUGHTER

THEY HUM

HE YAPS

Chinchillas being fed into a mangle.

-This is modern music, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Well, no, it's pretty old.

-Well, timeless, it's timeless.

-No.

-It is timeless.

Is it a rehash of an old song?

It was actually I'm Too Sexy, by Right Said Fred.

MUSIC: "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred

That was nothing like it!

Rubbish!

Now I do the jokes about the artist.

I'll shut up then.

The success of Right Said Fred surprised Richard. He said,

"It feels like I've gate-crashed a showbiz party and I'll be asked to leave soon."

But that was 15 years ago and thank God he's still here.

TANNOY: 'Paging Mr Fairbrass, paging Mr Fairbrass. Your time is up.'

LAUGHTER

Right under our noses, it's bands from one particular country

that are starting to dominate the charts here.

1998 saw an Irish invasion with acts like B*Witched

and The Corrs topping the charts.

But their success was overshadowed by the launch of a true pop phenomenon.

They're pretty good, like, they're new. I don't know much of their stuff, so they're quite good.

They've good voices and they're gorgeous!

So much better than Boyzone, I think.

MUSIC: "I'm Never Gonna Say Goodbye" by Westlife

Yes, 1998 saw the arrival of a new way of life - Westlife.

-Could you have imagined a year ago, what would have happened, you know, at this time?

-No, not at all.

This time last year, I was working at McDonald's.

It will probably remain a mystery exactly how Louis Walsh

came up with the idea of an Irish all-male vocal harmony group.

Meanwhile, Irish all-male vocal harmony group Boyzone were at the peak of their powers.

-It's Boyzone!

-Boyzone!

Boyzone!

-Boyzone! Let's hear it.

-Give it up for Boyzone!

-Thank you!

Best haircut.

-Best dressed male.

-Best dressed person.

-Best single.

-Most fanciable male.

The most fanciable person. Best band in the universe.

MUSIC: "No Matter What" by Boyzone

1998 saw Boyzone boasting two chart-topping singles

and a Number 1 album.

Buzzcocks was keen to join in with the craic

and scored a coup by booking the band's third most famous member.

You just do the dancing at the back, I'll do the whole song.

LAUGHTER

Two, three, four...

# Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo...

# Doo! Er-er, er-ow...

# Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo...

We are doing these so bad

so that team doesn't get any of the points either.

Clever thinking! Clever thinking!

# Doo-doo, doo-doo Whee, wah-dada-da-dah! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

# Brr-uh, dah, da-da, da-da Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

# Yip! Woo-pa ba-ta!

APPLAUSE

Was that all three songs, there, in one?

Now let's hear it properly.

ELECTRIC GUITAR

-This is good!

-That's how it should sound.

-This is excellent.

It was Girls And Boys by Blur.

Ireland's finest -

Norton, Hughes and Duffy - murdering a modern day classic.

And to make matters worse,

apparently, after the show, Louis Walsh signed them.

Can I just say, working musician - you make a living doing this?!

Buzzcocks set out to explore Boyzone's beginnings

and where better to start than their infamous debut.

For the audience only, here are Boyzone.

# Come and light my fire

# Light my fire

# Light my fire... #

Boyzone freestyling on Ireland's Late Late Show

but can you tell me which of our line-up is original band member

Richard Rock who didn't come into the final band, so left with dignity.

So, is number one Boyzone or is it number two, erogenous zone,

or is it number three, hydrocorti-zone...

LAUGHTER

Is it number four, woman's...Own...

or is it number five, lives on his...

LAUGHTER

..own?

-It has to be either one or two.

-What?

Well, if I was Louis Walsh and I was doing a boy band...

-or... Let me rephrase that!

-LAUGHTER

-Slight slip of the tongue there.

-Hold on!

LAUGHTER

I think it's number three. I think it is number three.

-Three?

-Yeah, I think it is.

-Let's find out if he's right.

Would Richard Rock please make himself known. Of course, it was. Well done.

APPLAUSE

Richard, I'd like to...

I don't normally do this when we have the line-up.

I'd like to congratulate you for not being in Boyzone.

LAUGHTER Having said that...

..I'd also like to congratulate you four, for the same reason.

One man who did end up in the band would firmly establish himself

as one of Buzzcocks' favourite sons.

# ..Slow and easy

A man who is to talent what elves are to be triple jump.

LAUGHTER

The musical equivalent of a Boxing Day floater,

Ronan 'Christ On A Bike' Keating.

# ..the way you love me... #

Ronan Keating, there, with I Love The Way You Love Me.

-When we were watching the video, there, Kate went, "Ah."

-I like it.

I like him. He's a lovely boy.

-But he can't sing, can he?

-I don't know.

There you go. LAUGHTER

David, can he sing?

People who like this kind of thing find it the kind of thing they like.

-There you go.

-That means it's rubbish!

LAUGHTER

-So, let's have a look at this thing.

-Good Lord!

See, that's about the position he had in the audition, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"I'm saluting a little imaginary leprechaun soldier."

LAUGHTER

Do you think that's the only two left of Boyzone

that can still ride in the back of cabs?

-All the rest are driving now.

-Yeah.

-GROANING

-It's true!

I'm not... I said I like them, don't turn on me.

I tell you what, if I was a cab driver they'd both be in the boot.

LAUGHTER

Or bouncing off my bonnet very quickly! LAUGHTER

As Ronan embarked on his solo adventure,

Buzzcocks decided to ease off a little.

Goat-voiced, weasel-faced Ronan 'Back Of A Spoon' Keating.

So, you've both probably got to pretend

that you're really big fans of Ronan Keating?

-He's a good songwriter.

-OK. Well, he's kept that hidden.

LAUGHTER

Ronan Keating's family say the worst thing about living with him

is his constant flatulence.

Although, in his defence, at least they are silent,

cos he employs a professional backing farter to add the noise later.

LAUGHTER

The burning question of 1998 was Spice Girls or All Saints?

'The gloves were off in the contest for best all-girl band.

'Young pretenders All Saints snatched the best video awards for their hit

'Never Ever away from the Spice Girls.'

And on the 30th December, 1998,

Buzzcocks decided to settle things once and for all

by placing a member of each band on opposing teams -

and seeing who was best at the all-important Next Lines round.

The final round is, as always, Next Lines.

I say a line, you tell me the next one. Phil's team starts first.

You have 90 seconds. It starts now. "This year I'm off to sunny Spain."

-"Viva Espana."

-Yeah.

-"Wella, wella, wella, ooh."

-# Tell me more, tell me more... #

Yeah, John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John.

"He got friendly holding my hand."

"We something down in the sand."

I need more than, "something," obviously.

It was, "She got friendly, down in the sand." Summer Nights, same.

"Swing it, shake it, move it, make it."

"Who do you think you are?"

Look at him - blank face. LAUGHTER

"That wasn't a hit, was it?"

"Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it."

-"Pixies and elves..."

-"Show me how good you are."

Show me how good you are, the Spice Girls. Well done.

-Thank you.

-LAUGHTER

-"Aga-doo-doo-doo-doo."

-"Push pineapple, shake the tree."

Yeah... SLIDE GUITAR CHORD PLAYING

End of the round. Sean's team, and your 90 seconds starts now.

-"Stick them up, punk."

-"It's the Fun Lovin' Criminals."

Yeah, Fun Lovin' Criminals.

"Sometimes vocabulary runs right through my head."

"Sometimes vocabulary..."

-# Sometimes vocabulary runs through my... #

-Yeah?

"The alphabet runs right from A to Z."

You said it wrong. You confused me. Sorry.

What bit did I say wrong? You repeated it exactly as I said it.

I wasn't used to it like that.

"Sometimes vocabulary runs right through my head."

Not, "right," it's, "through my head."

# The alphabet runs right from A to Z.

I can only accept what's on the card. I'm sorry, you don't get a point.

LAUGHTER

"Down at the Copa."

-# Copacabana. #

-Yeah, Barry Manilow.

"In the summertime, when the weather is fine."

"Ooh-uh! Choo-choo. Ugh!"

Please, don't, I've nearly finished work, I want to concentrate.

"Yada, yada, yada, bottle of wine."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"You are the Sunshine of my life."

# And I will always be around. #

SLIDE GUITAR CHORD PLAYING

-Quite right. Stevie Wonder, Sunshine Of My Life.

-Yay!

So 1998 became a big year in Spice Girls history.

They may have lost Geri but they won the Next Lines round.

Well, there it is, 1998 in a Buzzcocks' nutshell

and the eagle-eyed amongst you

may have spotted the following people, starting with -

Ben from Curiosity Killed the Cat, Davina McCall, Richard Herring,

Katie Melua, Michelle Gayle, a very young Zoe Ball,

Pop Idol Sarah Whatmore, Fearne Cotton,

James Broad from Silver Sun, Terri Walker and Sarah from Dubstar.

I've been Alex James, thank you, and good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd