2006 What a Load of Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language

One eventful night in 1996, comedy and rock & roll

-had an ill-advised fumble...

-Urgh!

..with devastating effects.

The resulting offspring would soon become famed for its acerbic wit,

-musical know-how...

-Yee-ow!

-..and celebrity...ish friends.

-Whoo!

It soon became known as Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Calm down, God. It's only a pop quiz.

Always the first in line to offer words of wisdom and compassion...

Come on, bell-ends, do something.

..this show became an oracle for the world of entertainment.

I'm Simon Amstell, and if you think I'm a poor booking,

let's meet tonight's guests.

And when it comes to splits, spats...

-See you later.

-Why? We're having fun.

-I ain't.

..and guessing which member of a line-up used to be

the drummer in some band you barely remember, Buzzcocks has seen it all.

So join us as we stumble down Memory Lane

and see a little bit of this...

that and them.

You are watching What A Load Of Buzzcocks, 2006.

A year that saw the end of Top Of The Pops,

as it went to a happier place.

The show was instantly recognisable, with its range of hosts,

over-excited audiences

and curious usage of the word "live".

# I see you looking at me Like I'm some kind of... #

2006 also saw Britney in trouble for two car-based misdemeanours.

Firstly, letting her baby take the wheel,

and then for giving photographers a peek of her leathery interior.

Elsewhere, babies were rapidly becoming

the celebrity accessory du jour.

Anybody who was anybody just had to be seen walking around with

a cute miniature person, but as usual, someone took it too far.

The decision by one of the world's biggest pop stars to adopt

has generated some astonishing invective.

Her act isn't charity, but is selfish and repugnant.

She retaliates by calling her critics,

among other things, racists.

Madonna recently adopted a Malawian orphan, which she

chose from a group of 12 contenders.

The other 11 said it was just great to take part.

Madonna insisted on having her personal chef on board

to prepare her a strictly macrobiotic meal.

At one point, the chef was heard asking Madonna, "Mutton or lamb?"

Though I think he already knew the answer.

She booked a single ticket on the way out but added a child's ticket

for the return, just in case she fancied a bit of retail therapy.

Over the years, Madonna has become

a favourite topic of discussion on Buzzcocks.

From Sex books to lesbian kisses,

Madge has always given us plenty to talk about.

And when she married Guy Ritchie and became an honorary Brit,

Buzzcocks embraced her as one of our own.

Despite the fact the nickname seems to have stuck,

by all accounts Madonna hates being called Madge.

Even Guy Ritchie only calls her "the reason I live in a big house".

Or if he's feeling romantic, "meal ticket".

Madonna is a private person.

We still haven't been allowed to see pictures of her wedding ceremony.

The party, the dress or even the cake.

The only tiny peek we have into her private world is that book

full of pictures of her licking the nipples of Naomi Campbell

and masturbating next to an elephant.

Truly, Madam, you are an enigma(!)

In many ways, Buzzcocks' career mirrors that of Madonna's.

As she constantly reinvented herself, so did Buzzcocks.

But one thing never changed. Our respect for the Queen of Pop.

Madonna also does a lot of philanthropic work.

She has dedicated endless hours and millions of dollars in her

tireless fight against the seven visible signs of ageing.

# Doo-doo, du-dum doo-dum-dum, du-dum

# Doo-dum-dum, du-dum Doo-dum-dum, du-dum

# Bow-now, now-now-now-now-now

# Bow-now, now-now-now-now

# Da-da-da-da, ba-ba-da-da

# Ba-ba-ba-da-da... #

Let's do the show right here!

# Ba-da-ba-ba, ba-da-da-da

# Ba-de-de, OK... #

HORN PARPS

# Da-da-ba-ba, look at me

# And they can see the light

# Cos we are living in a material world

# And you are a material girl. #

That is the right answer, of course!

REAL VERSION: # Some boys kiss me Some boys hug me... #

-"Some boys(!)

-PHILL LAUGHS MANICALLY

-Madonna's getting a kicking. I quite like Madonna.

-Not a fan.

-No?

No, not a fan. She's just a lucky karaoke singer. So, erm...

In the year that Tony Blair announced

he'd be stepping down from power, Buzzcocks also lost its leader.

After hosting a record 156 episodes, Mark Lamarr departed to

pursue his dream of not presenting Never Mind The Buzzcocks ever again.

2006 saw Lamarr replaced

by some of the country's finest reading and speaking talents,

and the guy out of the Fun Lovin' Criminals.

We also heard Cry Me A River by Justin Timberlake.

Justin has said that he often sings himself to sleep.

Now Justin, you're in bed with Cameron Diaz.

-Why the

-BLEEP

-do you want to go to sleep?

I'd be awake for days on that ass.

Oh, I'm sorry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I think he feels very strongly about it.

-It came from the heart.

-STAGE MANAGER:

-Three, two, one!

Justin has a large collection of candles and sports jerseys.

-Justin, you're going out with Cameron Diaz, put the

-BLEEP

-candles down!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next to take up the hot seat,

long-term friend of the show, Jonathan Ross.

For the remainder of this round,

would it be all right if I called you J-Ro?

J-Ro.

Or J-Wo, as I say.

I've met J-Lo.

-Is it?

-And it's, well, it's kind of nice, it's lovely, it's a nice shape.

I wouldn't have said, "That's a big arse."

I've stood behind some big arses in various show business canteens.

One half of Feltz's arse would make up all of J-Lo!

If J-Lo was moving backwards, say, in a corridor situation,

-does she go...?

-MAKES HONKING NOISE

No, but that is the noise that Stephen Hawking makes when he laughs.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Do you like a larger lady, Tom?

-Erm, I'm not fussy.

-You're just a young man, really. You're 20.

-Yeah.

You probably haven't sampled all the fruits that life has to offer.

Eh, Alan? But...

May I suggest that while you're looking up

the delightful smorgasbord of womanly temptation,

pause for a plumper at least once.

-Thank you.

-Thank me later.

I'll lend you a DVD.

2006 also saw Jeremy Clarkson don his L plates

and slip effortlessly into the driving seat.

World, don't stop turning.

Stars don't stop falling down in a world of make-believe.

Do you ever think of me?

Yeah, well done, it's your own song.

So, bye-bye, Miss American Pie.

Drove the Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry.

Well done, we're back on a motoring theme.

Hit the road, Jack.

Don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.

Well done, Ray Charles.

Driving along in my automobile.

My baby beside me at the wheel.

Are you all right? Cos I think I'll nick off.

You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong.

Crack on, Paxman, you're doing lovely.

-Do the next one.

-Go on, next one.

Who's Going To Drive Me Home Tonight, the Cars.

Watch us wreck the mic...

-Watch us wreck the mic, psyche!

-Yes, that's it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Unbelievable.

-Do we actually need Phill?

-No.

He's already at the fish & chip shop. Wahey!

Buzzcocks regular Lauren Laverne

was a paragon of charm and professionalism.

If I can hold this hope inside my hands.

You'd understand they let us down.

Can you name the track, Charlie?

-Yeah, it's Waste A Moment.

-By who?

-By Fightstar.

Yeah, by Fightstar, you're very clever.

LAUGHTER

You are lovely. Erm...

Ah, freak-out.

Oh, la freak, c'est, c'est something...

What?

How much did your education cost, Charlie?

2006 saw the Kaiser Chiefs riding high in the charts,

and lead singer Ricky Wilson was a natural as Buzzcocks host.

The Cure's Robert Smith says he loves the anonymity of being a Smith,

saying, "I can book into a hotel room and nobody knows it's me."

No, Robert, they think you're Elizabeth Taylor without the make-up.

Waits for laugh to die down.

LAUGHTER

Sips drink.

There's nothing worse than dehydrating.

And bringing a splash of colour to proceedings, Dale Winton.

Well-known family man Michael Jackson claims

he gets his curious skin tone from a genetic disease.

Oh, and while I'm on the subject,

if anyone wants to know, I get mine from Dulux's Autumn range.

This year's must-have colour is Sorrento Sunrise.

You're watching the end of a career here.

2006 was the year that Top Gear favourite Richard Hammond

passed his theory but failed the practical.

Richard Hammond, who presents the BBC's popular Top Gear programme,

is in a critical condition tonight at Leeds Royal Infirmary.

He was seriously injured in a crash

while filming a new edition of Top Gear.

The only thing that's really breaking his heart

is he has chipped one of his whitened teeth.

America's answer to Richard Blackwood appeared in The Klumps.

Well, Scary Klump, to be precise.

He was unwilling to accept the role of father,

which is odd for a man who said yes to Norbit.

We are here today to announce that this morning we filed a petition

on behalf of Melanie Brown to establish paternity of her baby girl.

I recognise that there are millions and millions of single mothers

and their children who don't have a voice.

Mel B and Eddie Murphy, what happened there?

Well, Simon, allegedly Mr Murphy put his penis

into Miss B's special lady area.

La-la-la-la-la-la!

-And a pregnancy ensued.

-Can you confirm this, Mel C?

Let me ask you this. Why no condom?

(Why no condom?)

I know nothing!

Do you put condoms on a man before you have intercourse?

Do you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

David Blaine went out of his way to avoid the media spotlight

by hiding in a fish tank in the middle of Times Square.

I am humbled so much by the support of everybody from New York City,

and from all over the world.

A certain taxi driver's day took an unexpected turn,

as the BBC mistook this guy for their actual invited guest.

Well, Guy Kewney is the editor of the technology website NewsWireless.

-Hello, good morning to you.

-Good morning.

Were you surprised by this verdict today?

I'm very surprised to see this verdict to come on me,

because I was not expecting that.

And Pete Doherty took a break from his busy prison schedule

to briefly be a musician.

You look really well, how are things going?

Yeah, I'm off the brown and...

yeah, slowly but surely,

I'm pulling it together.

No, me neither.

A lovely image here, it's like, Pete Doherty Sings Frank Sinatra.

# Come snort with me

# Let's snort, let's snort away. #

Pete Doherty says the nicest text Kate Moss ever sent him read,

"You're in my veins, you fuck,"

which he decided to write in blood on the walls of his flat.

Sarah Beeny said, "You're narrowing down your market, Pete.

"It's neutral walls and beige carpets."

I do like Pete Doherty, but what makes me laugh about him

is he manages to be skinny and flabby at the same time.

While Doherty was crowd surfing, an over-enthusiastic fan gave him

a wedgie. The singer admits he then ran crying to hide in his tour bus.

The pants were pulled with such force that the friction left him

with a condition known as "smoking crack".

2006 saw a certain guest host stand head and shoulders above the rest.

# I am the one and only. #

Yes, following a successful trial run,

Simon Amstell became Buzzcocks' new, full-time host.

That's my favourite thing I've ever done.

And from Day One, he showed he was a real team player.

I really don't want to be difficult on my first day.

I love the show and the set and the titles,

I really hate pre-titles sketches. Let's not do one, they're naff.

It's a panel show, it's not 'Allo 'Allo.

Hello there, and welcome to

the exciting new series of Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

New set, new titles, new host.

I guess what we're trying to say is,

"Welcome to the last series of Never Mind The Buzzcocks."

Amstell took to the role like a duck to autocue.

During the last series of American Idol there was...

-There were...

-Scurrilous.

-Scurrilous, thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Just trying to help.

Ooh, I can read!

When Tina's ex-husband Ike Turner was sent to prison,

he was so scared of being held with the other prisoners that he

got himself transferred to the hospital wing and...

Oh, sorry, can I start that one again?

That went very well, I thought.

Why can't I be a pro like Knowles(?)

After a brief period of house training,

he soon became the consummate host.

David, you must have met Grace Jones, or married her?

I'm keeping count.

That's your type, though. Slightly unhinged gay icon, right?

-That's terrible.

-Erm, have you met Grace Jones?

-No.

Call yourself a star fucker?

I'm too old or too young for it, one or the other.

-Old.

-OK.

I'm not very good with the song,

but I'll just do any beat and you just hum the tune.

That's what you did with Mis-Teeq.

I can do whatever you like on this show.

It's not like GMTV where you just have to be dull.

Tequila.

Oh, it makes me happy.

Correct. Doesn't though, does it, Matt?

OFF-KEY: # You raise me up...! #

2006 was just the beginning for Amstell.

He'd go on to host Buzzcocks a total of 38 times,

overseeing four series, numerous scraps and one walk-off.

-Preston, come on.

-No, seriously, going home.

-We're having fun.

# I am strong when I am on your shoulders. #

Simon Amstell, we salute you.

# To all that I can be. #

The beauty of Buzzcocks is that it brings together stars

from all walks of life.

2006 featured some great guests,

some of whom proved to be a bit of a handful.

First up, celebrity twitcher and old-school funnyman Bill Oddie.

-What have you got in there?

-It's the, the intros.

What, on a record?

No, on a bit of card.

What, just the words, or the name of the song or something?

Yes!

But they're not going to sing words, are they?

They're going to go, "Ba-doom, ba-doom, tch-tch."

-You're in charge of this.

-I AM in charge of this!

-You can do what you want.

-Stewart's right! Shush, Oddie!

What's this?

-That's an eyebrowed thrush.

-Correct.

Do you know the Latin name for it?

No! Turdus something-or-other.

Ooh, that's funny! Turdus, bit naughty!

-I know where you're going.

-He's caught us out.

They're all slightly rude.

D'oh, for God's sake!

It's, erm, a dangly-bollocked penis hen.

The fisting pigeon, yeah, that's what it is.

Next standout guest of 2006, sci-fi showman

and good-time guy John Barrowman.

Talk to the hand cos the wrist is pissed.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You have out-gayed me, Barrowman!

Let's have a gay-off!

Ready, lips pursed, hands on the table and go!

I haven't even told my mum yet.

And finally, lead singer of the Cribs, Ryan Jarman,

with one of the most outrageous claims to fame you'll ever hear.

Good effort, lads.

Thanks very much.

It's not my mate Geldof, is it?

Your mate?

-D'you know Sir Bob?

-Well, I think he knows me, so...

LAUGHTER

Oh?

You don't want to know how.

Oh, I think we do.

If there's any legal implications involved in this, then like...

..I invented Live 8, you see.

This is not actually a lie.

We were in the recording studio recording our album,

which you should all buy by the way because it's a brilliant album.

-What's it called?

-Who cares, but like...

Anyway, like, I found Bob Geldof's mobile phone number

while we were in the recording studio

so I sent him a text message just saying,

"Three words, mate. Live Aid 2."

Lo and behold, six months later, Live 8 comes out.

So what you're saying is...

It's just nice to know that you've made

a little bit of a difference, that's all.

-PHILL:

-Imagine Ryan phoning Pink Floyd.

-NASAL YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-'Hiya. Are you busy in June?'

LAUGHTER

'I want to do Live 8 again.

'Have you got the Who's number?

'Hang on, I'll get a pen.'

Back to Bill Oddie,

and here he is trying to guess one of the biggest hits of 2006,

as performed by Bill Bailey and Tony Mortimer from East 17.

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the... # No.

This is it. # My old man's a dustman, he wears a dustman's hat. #

-No, it's not that one.

-Bill, I don't like to see you struggle.

-Have you ever heard of Nelly Furtado?

-Of course I have.

She's a girl singer, second album just out. Go on.

-Ooh!

-Oo-ooh!

-You have underestimated the Oddie.

-Nerrina Pallot. There's another one.

There's another singer!

# She's a man-eater Make you buy cars... #

Yes, 2006 saw the charts dominated by females.

# I'm on tonight You know, my hips don't lie... #

Shakira had one of the biggest selling songs of the year,

topping the charts in over 796 countries

and winning 1,000 awards with this single.

But then again, her hips told me that.

# Oh, I wish I was a punk rocker With flowers in my hair... #

From her bedroom to the charts,

wannabe revolutionary Sandi Thom bypassed tradition

and became an overnight sensation through the power of the internet.

Well, according to Shakira's hips, anyway.

# ..with flowers in my hair. #

# At first when I see you cry

# Yeah, it makes me smile... #

And finally, 2006 saw potty-mouthed songstress Lily Allen take the world

by storm, redefining the status of women in music with her

unique vocal style, chirpy melodies and charming opinions.

Lily, of course, is renowned for slagging off people in the press.

Hey, forget about the pixilation, it's now time to play...

Fingers on buzzers. "He has to be exterminated?"

-WHOOSHING BUZZER Yes.

-Chris De Burgh!

-I know the answer.

-No, Lily, tell us the answer.

It's Pete Doherty, but can I explain myself quickly?

-No. Fingers on buzzers.

-Please!

"I would kick her over and then stab her in the ear."

-HONKING BUZZER Yes.

-Princess Michael of Kent.

-WHOOSHING BUZZER Yes.

-Peaches?

Peaches Geldof is correct.

You'd stab her in the ear?!

"She's a relationship ruiner. Javine is a slag."

LAUGHTER

-HONKING BUZZER

-Jamelia.

-Oh, dear.

That was actually about Javine, but Jamelia talking about Javine.

Jamelia! Outspoken Jamelia!

How could you say such a thing?

No, she really is a slag, though.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you don't know the story,

she went off with Alesha of Mis-Teeq's husband MC Harvey.

So, we are starting a war with the So Solid Crew here.

There's only five of them left, I think we can take them.

-Simon, we can't take on the Crew!

-Yeah, we can, Bill. What about it?

Why don't Bill and I come over and sleep with your wives?!

And Phill, he's loaded and ready to go! Let's go!

I'm coming over with my sex men!

What have you got, Phill?

I've got £300 that you probably won't be able

to get from underneath.

And the winner is...

..X&Y by Coldplay.

Coldplay went from strength to strength in 2006,

nabbing BRIT Awards for Best Single and Best Album.

It's hard for us sometimes cos we're English,

and we don't get to admit that we think we're great.

So tonight, we'd like to agree with you for giving us this award.

Thanks a lot.

All of which fuelled Buzzcocks' passionate relationship

with the band, a love affair you might call "complicated"?

We take the attitude that it's just music.

If you don't like it, you can just listen to something else.

Chris Martin is notoriously touchy,

and this year walked out of two interviews when Gwyneth Paltrow

was mentioned, so tonight, in order to show he's got a sense of humour,

he's sent us his own Coldplay-based jokes. Here you go.

Coldplay walk into a bar, but it's a bit crowded

so they go to a private members club,

but that's not really their scene cos it's all a bit too showbiz,

and they're just normal guys.

How many members of Coldplay can you get into a Mini?

-Oh, another Coldplay joke.

-All four.

It's a four-seater vehicle so it's actually fairly straightforward.

Every day, Chris Martin draws the words "Fair Trade" on his left hand,

probably with pens made by four-year-olds

in a Taiwanese sweat shop.

What's happening with Chris Martin?

He looks like he's got contact lenses of his own eyes

over his own eyes.

He looks like every one of his songs.

APPLAUSE

I've been really good tonight, I've not dissed Coldplay in any way,

and it's burning me up inside.

You boys are so bitter.

Just cos he's talented and he's good looking.

It's like when girls say about girls...

Ohhhhhhhh!

I feel a little bit of stuff going on here!

You know what, though? People often say to me,

"Oh, you do like Coldplay."

They're shit.

I think that's a full snap to Noel and half snap to Helen.

Alesha, it says here that you once hitched a ride back from Cannes

in Chris Martin's jet. Is that true?

-Yes.

-Do you know that you only have to pay 20 quid for an Easyjet ticket

and then you don't have to sit next to Chris Martin?

No-one told you that.

-You were in his jet?

-Yeah, offering me sushi.

-Really?

-Oh, what a gentleman.

-Is that a showbiz kind of euphemism?

You know when you land in planes, they go,

"D'you want a boiled sweet cos your ears are going to pop?"

He goes, "Anyone want sushi?"

What a dick.

Luckily, one man was prepared to fly the Coldplay flag.

You're expecting a funny line, but I don't care what anyone says,

I like Coldplay, all right?

I like Come Dine With Me, I like Honey Nut Shredded Wheat.

Deal with it, it's Coldplay.

I hate Coldplay. Can I just say I can't stand them.

Oh, don't start, they're such an easy target. I like them.

I'm not mad about that cereal you eat either, but still...

They're not an easy target at all,

cos that Christopher fella jumps around the stage quite a bit,

and I have tried to hit him a number of times.

If you try a shotgun, you get sort of a nice spread,

you'll catch him on the move then.

I think I'll be taking Cribbins' advice.

Their manager phoned me up and said,

"You are both very mean to Coldplay." And then texted me

and said, "But I know it's very, you know, COOL to hate Coldplay."

So I texted her back, "Just want to say, I wasn't trying to be cool.

"I genuinely hate Coldplay.

"Just for the record."

# I will try to fix you. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# What's that coming over the hill?

# Is it a monster? #

So that was our take on 2006.

Time now to sit back and appreciate Buzzcocks' true international appeal

by having a quick game of Who Was That And Where Do They Come From?

First up, that's Reg D Hunter from Georgia, USA,

Cockney geezer Dave Berry, Kayvan Novak, he's Iranian-British,

Geordie lass Michelle Heaton, Josh Groban from LA,

Jenni Falconer, Glasgow, Sally Lindsay, good old northerner,

Daniel Merriweather, he's an Aussie,

Stephen Fry, couldn't be more British.

Daniel Beddingfield, actually born in New Zealand.

Orson's Jason Pebworth, American.

Aaron Gilbert, the Delays, he's from Southampton.

Colin Murray, Northern Ireland. Mollie King, a true English rose,

and Nerrina Pallot, who was apparently brought up in Jersey

by a half-French father and an Indian mother.

I've been Alex James from Bournemouth. Good night.

MUSIC: "When You Were Young" by the Killers

# He doesn't look a thing like Jesus

# But he talks like a gentleman

# Like you imagined when you were young. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd