2001 What a Load of Buzzcocks

One eventful night in 1996, comedy and rock 'n' roll

had an ill-advised fumble with devastating effects.

The resulting offspring would soon become famed for its acerbic wit,

musical know-how and celebrity-ish friends.

It soon became known as Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Calm down, God! It's only a pop quiz!

Always the first in line to offer words of wisdom and compassion...

Come on, bellends, do something.

..this show became an oracle for the world of entertainment.

I'm Simon Amstell, and if you think I'm a poor booking,

let's meet tonight's guests.

-And when it comes to splits, spats...

-See you later.

-Why?

..and guessing which member of a line-up used to be

the drummer in some band you barely remember, Buzzcocks has seen it all.

So, join us as we stumble down memory lane

and see a little bit of this, that, and them.

You're watching...

A tumultuous year for some of the greatest bands of all time.

The boy band 5ive have announced that they are splitting up after

four years. The band, which notched up three number one hit singles, said

the decision to break up the group was made after lengthy discussions.

# Baby when the lights go out... #

Today is the day that 5ive ended and... And that's all there is.

The future, we're all going to have a future because we exist,

if you know what I mean.

You've got nothing to worry about, Ritchie.

Not with your vocal range.

RITCHIE SINGS WILDLY OUT OF TUNE

Get it, will you?

LAUGHTER

I've never seen someone's voice break in the middle of the show.

Another group lying capsized on the rocks was Atomic Kitten,

as Kerry jumped ship.

Her departure really damaged the band,

as Whole Again became their biggest-ever single,

hitting the number one spot and going double platinum.

Here to explain more, Kerry's replacement,

the ever-affable Jenny Frost.

When Kerry decided she wanted to leave, I've been mates with

the girls for a couple of years, and it just came about... Sorry, one sec.

-Oi!

-Shut up!

-Shut it!

Baby, you're the one, you still turn me on...

You can make me whole again. It is. Atomic Kitten.

-Did you write that one?

-No.

-Bonus point for not writing it. Well done.

But arguably the biggest tragedy of them all

was the break-up of this lot.

# Tragedy # When the feeling's gone

# And you can't go on # It's tragedy... #

I think we'll be remembered with a big smile

and I think people will think of Steps and just say, yeah!

Look at them...

Look at those idiots!

Of course, we all had our favourite member of Steps.

Mine was the shy and retiring Lisa,

always desperate to keep out of the limelight.

-Come on.

-I don't want to be in Steps.

-I'll do it on my own, then.

-How does it go?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Imagine watching them live!

APPLAUSE

-When is the next tour? How's it go?

-Right!

-Five, six, seven, eight...

-And they say they're manufactured.

-By Findus.

-I've started!

-I don't care.

-Shush!

Do bands smash things up any more?

-Did Steps ever smash up a hotel room?

-What do you think?

I did once, when they were on the radio.

LAUGHTER

No offence.

I've heard all the jokes about Steps.

I was in it for five years, so I've heard them all.

I wrote them all.

Yeah, you probably did!

Phil was particularly made up

when Claire Richards was made to go on his team.

PHIL HUMS

I love you.

LAUGHTER

You are my favourite.

BOTH SING

IMPROVISES FUNK

I've got no idea.

APPLAUSE

Mark Lamarr also seemed to develop a soft spot for a certain

member of the band.

Wish I was doing this with Faye.

Do you want to?

LAUGHTER

Do you want to do it?

Come on, then. Come on!

LAUGHTER

Don't start.

SINGS WEDDING MARCH MELODY

All good things come to those who wait, and it took a Steps

reunion 10 years after the split to finally get H onto the show.

We'd like to announce today that we're going back on tour.

-Are you back on tour with Steps?

-Yeah. Unbelievably, yeah.

Do you know what I like about that?

That they've managed to get all your diaries together.

I know that Lee was in a job

where he was being used to prop open a door...

LAUGHTER

Which of the other members of Steps is the one who is doing it

most for the money?

Who is the most desperate?

Nobody's desperate.

What is brilliant about that is you could have gone,

"Nobody's desperate," but you went, "Nobody's desperate!"

"We're not desperate! Stop saying that!"

It's really nice that we're all friends again, because we weren't.

-Did you fall out?

-Yeah.

-Really, big-time?

-Yeah.

Who did you fall out with the most?

Ha-ha! Well, you know, Claire and I went off and did our thing...

-So, the other three?

-Yeah.

And who's the one you hate the most out of the other three?

I don't hate any of them!

It's Lee Latchford-Evans, ladies and gentlemen.

LAUGHTER

I don't think they're Steps fans, are they?

Raise your hand if you are a Steps fan.

LAUGHTER

Right across the board.

And do you know, it's nobody in the audience, either, H.

LAUGHTER

-Tinchy, there you go.

-No, he just wants to go to the bathroom.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And making it a full house, but not quite making it onto

the show as a panellist, Lee Latchford-Evans.

Is it number one, Steps?

Number two, Steptoe and Son?

Number three, Stepford wife?

Number four, Stepticemia?

Or number five, stepfather used to touch him?

LAUGHTER

By the way, before we even start, I think it could be number one,

because he's very disciplined, not even when I go all weird with him.

Like all like that.

He has been trained not to laugh and to be highly professional,

so I think it could be number one.

Number two... Ooh.

No, I don't think it is number two because the feel when I touched you

like that, it was more like the feel of a lonely businessman in Telford.

LAUGHTER

Number three looks happy, like he might be getting a few royalties...

Might just be sitting there,

just waiting for the envelope to fall through the front door,

while other people have to work night in, night out!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think it could be number three.

It's like watching a heron in a grey jacket. Paul!

He knows who it is. You might have to come back to the chair.

LAUGHTER

CROWD CHEERS

Would the real Lee Latchford-Evans please step forward?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sean Hughes started on Buzzcocks as a young hopeful

from the Emerald Isle, with a song in his heart,

and a dream in his pocket.

Hughes possessed the wit and wisdom of Oscar Wilde, the flair and sexual

allure of Georgie Best, and the vocal range of Christine Bleakley.

Here are three of Sean Hughes's most memorable,

and least musical, moments from the intros round.

At three, Sean and Embraces' Danny McNamara put on a show for Vegas.

SING NASAL, TUNELESS SONG

Just think '80s overproduction. Whoo! Hoo-hoo. Cuckoo, cuckoo!

MAKES MECHANICAL NOISES

Haw-haw-haw!

LAUGHTER

I was a blank until the "Haw-haw-haw".

Somehow, that's captured my imagination!

-We Close Our Eyes!

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

-He got it just could you went... Ah! That's it.

-No, no!

Can you read, Johnny?

-Barely.

-Then I'll give you the point.

I know the buses to catch and day centres to visit.

LAUGHTER

For number two,

Sean and Vic Reeves show off their telepathic musical connection.

Boa...

Wuurrgh...

BOTH: Dang, dang dang...

LAUGHTER

BOTH SING TUNE OF "THREE BLIND MICE"

-No, hold on, hold on. It's not...

-It is. Listen to the record.

-All right.

RESUME SINGING "THREE BLIND MICE"

It's for the kiddies!

BOTH CHANGE TUNE ABRUPTLY

-Is it... Blondie?

-Correct!

-What was the title of the song?

-Atomic.

-Yes.

It was Atomic by Blondie.

APPLAUSE

And at number one, Hughes and Burns, a match made in heaven.

That was my bit, you bitch!

It's like a date really gone badly wrong, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Gone BADLY wrong?

I'm guessing it was a blind date, was it?

LAUGHTER

Listen, mate, I'll do the camera for a bit, will you take over?

-Just for a little bit.

-Jolly good idea, Sean!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CROWD CHEERS

-Come on, hurry up!

-He doesn't know the song. You might as well do it.

-You do that bit, I'll...

-OK.

De-de-de-der de-le-le De-de-de-der de-le-le...

Sean, it doesn't help...

Der. De-der. De-der.

De-de-de-der de-le-le...

I hated the frigging record anyway!

It's throwing me that Sean looks like he's a folk singer.

Imagine if they turned up in your local pub.

-We're Peters and Lee!

-We've changed a little bit over the years...

- I think I've got it. - How?!

That's... That is not possible!

I can, actually. Is it Groovy Train, Farm?

MARK: It is Groovy Train, by The Farm.

APPLAUSE It should have sounded like this.

# "Groovy Train" by The Farm

LAUGHTER

I think children all over the country will go to bed tonight with

something that they've learned from us.

Not to watch Buzzcocks next week.

2001 also turned out to be a significant year in politics.

George W Bush has been sworn in as the 43rd President of America.

Seems like a pretty smart guy.

There is an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas,

probably in Tennessee. It fooled me once... Shame on...

..shame on you.

Fool me, you can't get fooled again.

Meanwhile, in the UK,

this protester left John Prescott with egg on his face.

Celebrity egging. I think that could catch on.

REPORTER: As Mr Prescott walks past, he throws an egg,

which hits the Deputy Prime Minister on the side of the head.

Instantly, Mr Prescott turns, and throws a punch.

It was a first-class jab, said Lennox Lewis's manager today,

going on to offer to train

the Deputy Prime Minister.

The chain of bookies are offering odds of 25 to 1 on him

retiring to Japan to take up sumo wrestling.

2001 marked the debut of Celebrity Big Brother.

A few days in, and cuddly TV presenter Vanessa Feltz

managed to have a complete meltdown.

And so, naturally, the next time she came on Buzzcocks,

she was handled delicately.

SCRATCHY INTRO SINGING

We're dancing together now, Vanessa, come on. Yeah.

VANESSA SINGS TUNELESSLY

-I just don't have any idea what it is at all.

-But you've got rhythm!

LAUGHTER

I've got no rhythm, and I don't know what it is. No idea.

APPLAUSE

I'm going to pass it over. But that's not anything against you.

It's not a personal...

..it's not, "Pass it over, because I hate Vanessa Feltz!" No.

Pass it over because they know, and otherwise they will be upset.

I'll live with it.

After the show, we're going to make love.

LAUGHTER

How does he do that?

2001 saw Eamonn Holmes embark on one of the most painful endurance

challenges of all time.

-A five-minute interview with David Blaine.

-The eye in the hand.

And what is that? What is the eye in the hand? Let's see that again.

-It's protection.

-Protection?

What does that mean?

-Protection from death.

-Oh. Mmm.

And the year's most unlikely romance saw Billie Piper

and Chris Evans tie the knot.

Bob The Builder has such a cult following that many

celebrities have taken roles in the show.

Chris Evans had a small part in Bob The Builder,

and an even smaller part in Billie The Piper.

Chart news now, and here's one of the year's most-loved hits,

as performed by Sean Hughes and David Van Day.

# La la la

# La la la la-la

# La la la... #

I can't believe I'm the best at this for the first time ever!

LAUGHTER

That's a first.

# I just can't get you out of my head... #

Yes. 2001 saw Kylie hit the number one spot with this smash.

And here's a selection of other tunes

we couldn't get out of our heads that year.

Shaggy's It Wasn't Me

was the biggest-selling single of the year. Shaggy,

is it true you went on to have a long and fruitful career in music?

# Wasn't me... #

My mistake.

# One for the money and the free rides... #

2001 saw Blue burst onto the scene with their debut single, All Rise.

They seemed to have everything, the good looks, the talent,

the street cred...

..and the other one.

And So Solid Crew enjoyed their 21 seconds of chart success.

# I've got 21 seconds to flow I've got 21 seconds to go... #

We couldn't fit all 30 of the crew on the show,

but we did manage to book three of our favourites.

Here is Mega Man.

This was bound to happen, I suppose. I've got 21 seconds to flow...

Ha-ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

# Cos if you like me let me know Let me in the studio

# I got 21 seconds before

# I got 21 seconds to flow, I got 21 seconds to go... #

Couldn't it have all have been so simpler than that?

Next, MC Harvey.

You're going to get drive by'd now, Paul.

If any hip-hop lot wanted to click me,

they'd just need an ice cream van.

LAUGHTER

I'd come running out, bam!

And last, but by no means least, Lisa Mafia.

# Da-nan da-nan... #

# Where did you come from, where did you go,

# Where did you come from, So Solid Crew.

# Where did you come from... # I'm just, I am, free styling.

LAUGHTER

-I'm guessing it's something to do with So Solid.

-No.

-No, it's not.

This was a big hit.

LAUGHTER

SHE STAMPS A RHYTHM Isn't she angry?

-# Isn't she angry?

-#

-Hey!

-What?

-Get off that cloud!

-Keep out of this one.

-I host the show!

-You spoil it, you do!

-You don't scare me... Mafia?

LAUGHTER

Buzzcocks has always been a big fan of rock.

MUSIC: "Back In Black" by AC/DC

Over the years, we've been joined by some true legends.

The voice of rock.

Here are three of the best, starting with axe-maestro

and top hat merchant, Slash, whose dreams finally came true in 2001,

when he got to play in this all-star line-up.

Blackburn and Slash, what a team!

LAUGHTER

That's a cop show I'd pay to see. Blackburn And Slash.

Book 'em, Blackburn!

You two, in my office, now!

LAUGHTER

Buckle up, we're in for a bumpy ride.

This might take a while. Each one is a 30 minute guitar solo.

Do-do de-de do-do de-de...

-I forgot it... Wait. OK, OK.

-Yeah, yeah. OK. You forgot? Surely not!

-My family is going to be watching this!

-Really?

Your family is going to be watching -

like they've never been more ashamed of you!

LAUGHTER

My cousin will probably be like,

"What's he doing? He looks ridiculous."

And he won't be alone.

# Doh-doh-doh do-doh

# Doh do-do do

# Doh-doh-doh

# Doh do-doont do do-do

# Bo-bo bo bom

# Do do-doont do do-do

# Bo-bo bo bom

# Do do-do

# De-der de-der de-de

BOTH KEEP SINGING

Oh, yeah.

Look at him! It's there now. It's all there.

Look at him go!

MARK: Tony!

# Heaven...!

-# ..must be missing an angel.

-Yes!

Look at it. Look at it happen. Look at the magic come through.

APPLAUSE

-We've got to do the three-handed rock thing.

-Yeah! Yeah! Whoo!

-Take me down to the Paradise City...

-Where the girls got...

LAUGHTER

Hey, hey!

There's an original version, there's an original version of that song.

It's where the girls are fat and they got big titties,

or, where the grass is green, and the girls are pretty.

Whatever you would have said, I would have accepted.

Can't make out any of it.

Next to grace the Buzzcocks studio with his presence,

the meat in rock's sandwich.

# Dow de-dowt dowt dowt

# De dowt dowt dowt

# De dowt dowt dowt

# De dowt... #

I've got it, I've got it.

MEATLOAF IMPERSONATES PERCUSSION

-Oh! Oh!

-Boom! Boom!

BOTH CONTINUE WITH INCREASING VOLUME

# Dou-dou dou-dou Boh! #

A siren! It's a siren!

-# Boh!

-#

MARK: Mate, mate, mate, mate, mate...

It does put you team under a disadvantage

when you ad lib an intro.

LAUGHTER

It has to be the intro of the song.

-I know what it is.

-You know what it is?

-It's written right here.

OK. What is it?

LAUGHTER

It's Connection by Elastica.

But I'm assuming, you don't live here,

you probably wouldn't have known that, you get a point.

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

You know, I'm beginning to think we can make a good team.

# Do you love me? Do you love me for ever? #

But not singing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And finally, stepping into the Buzzcocks hot-seat in more

recent years, Mr Alice Cooper with this, probably the most

rock'n'roll tale ever told.

Now, I met Elvis in 1970.

I got a thing that says, "Elvis wants to meet you."

I got to the Hilton Hotel, the elevator opened up,

and it was me, Liza Minnelli, Chubby Checker, and Linda Lovelace.

Wow.

What, you had come together,

or you just sort of happened to be in that lift?

-No, he invited those four people.

-Really?

So, we went up and they searched us for guns,

which was kind of silly because there were guns everywhere once you got in.

When he came in the room, he was Elvis.

He wasn't the fat Elvis, he was Elvis. He was the guy.

He goes, "Hey man. You're the cat with the snake, ain't ya?"

I said, "Yeah." And he goes, "That's cool, man.

"I wish I would have thought of that.

"That's cool." He said, "Hey, I want to show you something."

We go in the kitchen, he opens a drawer,

takes out a loaded snub-nosed .38, puts it in my hand, and he says,

"I'm going to show you how to take this gun out of somebody's hand."

The little devil here on my shoulder says, "Shoot him."

LAUGHTER

The little angel over here says, "Don't kill him, just wound him."

LAUGHTER

Before I could decide what to do, I was on the floor.

And he's had his boot in my throat, I'm going, "Ah, that's good, Elvis.

"That's great."

I'm still reeling over the fact that you were there with Liza Minnelli.

-Oh, yeah.

-He must've thought you were sisters.

LAUGHTER

Of course, only three of us came down on the elevator that night.

Now, I don't know what he did with Chubby Checker all night...

Tell you what, he was an amazing character, a very funny guy,

but he was Elvis.

From the sublime, to this.

2001 saw the launch of Popstars,

and like any major natural disaster, the effects were seismic.

One moment in particular sent shockwaves through the world of pop.

# My loneliness is killing me

# And I, I must confess I still believe

# Still believe

# When I'm not with you I lose my mind

# Give me a sign

# Hit me baby one more...

HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS

# T-i-me

# Ba-by hit me

# One more

# Time. #

MARK: And gave me a...

# S-i-gn!

# Give it to me one more...

LAUGHTER

# T-i-me. #

APPLAUSE

Hey, and none of your mucking about with the melody.

-He's got to find out what it is.

-Would I?

-I'll...

-..I'll be Darius in this one.

-All right.

SINGS SIMPLE MELODY

-Ha-ha-ha!

-That's pretty much it.

DARIUS KEEPS SINGING

-That was a nice little... You're ad-libbing again.

-No, I wasn't.

-That's in the song.

-No, it isn't.

-Play it. Play it.

Well, if we play it, it gives him too big a clue.

LAUGHTER

It's not fair. I'm singing on my own, and he's not doing anything.

I was being you!

-I could "doo-doo do-do-doo"...

-I have no idea.

So, I'm going to pass it over.

-I Love Your Smile.

-It was! I Love Your Smile, by Shanice.

Sadly, Darius failed to gain a place in pop's newest supergroup.

That honour went to Kim, Myleene, Suzanne, Danny, and Noel.

They were brought together by nasty Nigel,

a sensitive man with a diplomatic touch.

You need to lose some weight. You are going on show in...

..six weeks, from now. Six weeks.

And I want you looking the best and feeling the best you can.

It's all right saying that Christmas was there,

and, well, the goose has gotten fat.

Do you think I'm fat?

I think you put weight on over Christmas,

and I think you needed to lose weight before Christmas.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

Bit harsh.

Anyway, Pure And Simple became the UK's fastest-selling debut

single of all time.

And in April 2001, whilst perched at the peak of the charts,

Buzzcocks scored a coup by booking Kim and Noel to appear on the show.

Five weeks ago you were sat there anyway.

LAUGHTER

-And after eight series, you're still sat there.

-Hey!

CROWD CHEERS

I'm trying to work out how that was an insult, Miss One Single.

CROWD JEERS

Did you do anything in your videos like that, have a mixer,

something stupid like that?

We did get ideas and they were just politely taken onboard

-and then never heard of again.

-Yeah.

-Like "We'll sing on this record..."

-Totally.

-I don't mean you, I don't mean you, Myleene.

-Have you got...

-There's a tribute act, isn't there?

-It was called Nearsay.

-Ah!

It's got Danny and Noel in it.

Over the years, Myleene carved out a hugely successful career,

managing to juggle her music and her other stuff.

What kind of person just hangs out in a bikini?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'll drink to that.

You were, at one point, Britain's premier... Shower-er.

-Are you still showering?

-I am still showering.

Still keeping... You do it for fun now, though, rather than...?

At the time, in fairness, I was doing it for cleanliness,

-but yeah, I do it...

-You weren't doing it for cleanliness!

-Are you kidding? I really was.

-Is there a waterfall near here?

Make sure... Yeah, bring some, I think I need four cameras.

Can you bring more cameras?

Any plans for a Hearsay reunion?

Funnily enough, not that I know of.

-But I don't think we had enough songs.

-You had a good... Three.

# Pure and simple, every time... #

-Was that one?

-What was it? Pure And Simple? What else?

The Way To Your Love.

-Show me the way to your love...

-# I'm tired and I want to go to bed!

# I had a little drink about an hour ago, and it's gone right to my head! #

Why do people care about Myleene Klass but not Danny Foster?

Why is that?

By the way, let me tell you,

it took three researchers to find out his surname.

LAUGHTER

Time now to remind ourselves of some of the Bohemian hipsters that

made up tonight's supporting cast,

starting with funny man

Julius Simpson, Ashley Taylor-Dawson,

Toyah Wilcox, Christian O'Connell,

Nemone, Mike Lewis from Lostprophets, and John Entwistle.

Lemmy, Paul Marazzi from A1, comedian Mark Steele,

Roland Rivron, Tania Strecker, and that's Billie Piper.

I've been Alex James, and that was 2001, What A Load Of Buzzcocks.

# Cos I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

# Yeah I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

# Listen to Iron Maiden maybe with me

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd