2007 What a Load of Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

One eventful night in 1996, comedy

and rock'n'roll had an ill-advised fumble...

-Oh!

-..with devastating effects.

The resulting offspring would soon become famed for its acerbic wit,

-musical know-how...

-Yow!

..and celebrityish friends.

It soon became known as Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Calm down, God, it's only a pop quiz.

Always the first in line to offer words of wisdom and compassion...

Come on, bell end, do something.

..this show became an oracle for the world of entertainment.

I'm Simon Amstell, and if you think I'm a poor booking,

let's meet tonight's guests.

And when it comes to splits, spats...

-See you later.

-What?

..and guessing which member of a line-up used to be

the drummer in some band you barely remember, Buzzcocks has seen it all.

So join us for a vintage Buzzcocks year,

one that would bring together Preston, Donny, Dappy and Bonnie.

You're watching What A Load Of Buzzcocks 2007.

# Media karma Another day another drama. #

A year that saw public interest in celebrities reach a whole new level.

Britney Spears' private life has hit a new low after a very public divorce.

Allegations of drugs and alcohol abuse as she's now been ordered by

a judge to hand over her children to her ex-husband, Kevin Federline.

And eventually, poor Britney couldn't even pop out for a number two in private.

-NEWS REPORTER:

-Britney Spears lopped off her hair and minutes later got

a tattoo on her hip and wrist before being driven to a nearby hospital.

BIG BROTHER THEME TUNE

Meanwhile Big Brother housemates got caught up in a racism row

that pretty much brought the world to the brink of total collapse.

Now, you'd have got pretty good odds a week ago

against the chances of the Chancellor of the Exchequer

using a visit to India to talk about Celebrity Big Brother.

We want to send the message as I know most British people want,

we are a nation of fairness and tolerance.

And as ever, Buzzcocks was there with its finger firmly on the pulse.

How do you stand on all the Channel 4 with all the business, you know,

-the terrible, you know.

-Bill, it's six weeks ago?

-What?

-The racism.

-Six weeks ago?

-This is going out in six weeks.

-Oh, yeah.

-Don't say that!

What?

Don't say it's six weeks ago when it's now, you're BLEEP with my head!

LAUGHTER

-It's now in my head!

-I know, I just don't want you to waste...

Oh, so let's talk about things that might happen in the future.

LAUGHTER

Blimey, them new hover trousers, they're great, aren't they?

They're funny.

How is it with the new perfume range you've launched?

LAUGHTER

-Sh!

-Nobody's asked me to launch one.

They have, because it's in the future!

LAUGHTER

He said it was the future, the Time Lord.

LAUGHTER

I'd love to launch a perfume.

Yes, Bonnie's perfume is going very well, thank you, Simon,

so let's carry on as if nothing happened, nobody is any the wiser.

Mm-mm.

LAUGHTER

So.

Also starring in 2007's Celebrity Big Brother,

who could forget this guy?

-What's his name again?

-It's Donny Tourette.

-Oh, yeah.

-I should explain, Donny is a punk.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Just in case anyone didn't know.

It's because I'm not wearing a Mohican,

that you might not understand and all that.

Right, it's more inside, it's like a philosophy.

LAUGHTER

It's like a spike inside your gut.

Yeah, it's like a Mohican on your pancreas, man.

LAUGHTER

-Do you know what, just because you haven't got a hair...

-Yeah.

..to pull it off, doesn't mean you can't mean it.

No, man, I'm wearing my Mohican like on the back of my head.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BLEEP everything.

LAUGHTER

-See?

-Don't BLEEP Status Quo fella.

Pinch everything, pencils, look, see, BLEEP.

LAUGHTER

Hello, Donny's put sunglasses on.

That'll tell Thatcher.

LAUGHTER

Do you want to have a go?

Whoa.

What you need to do is give it a little bit of that.

And now I'm cool.

LAUGHTER

That looks disgusting. What is that?

-Yeah, what is that move you do?

-It's a mucho mucho love-o.

-Come and join in with me.

-Is it?

Oh, it's kind of a begging thing, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

-It's a bit like a tramp, it's a begging thing.

-It's a begging thing.

-Do you know what, you'd be quite happy at home on the streets.

-Yeah.

But then again, not many people would take a pee on you

-because you're pretty ugly.

-Ooh!

I should explain, Bill is a professional comedian.

LAUGHTER

You won't win.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm sensing you're going to be a peculiar nuisance this evening.

LAUGHTER

And keep watching,

because there'll be more from Donny Tourette later.

# A moment like this. #

2007 saw one man catapulted into the celebrity stratosphere.

His name was Ed and he was a well driller.

Let's sit back and enjoy history in the making.

Bill's first guest is Ordinary Boy and professional celebrity,

it's Preston.

# I love you, you know that, don't you? #

Preston appeared on Celebrity Big Brother

and then married the winner, Chantelle.

Preston was worried it would alienate hard-core Ordinary Boys fans,

but luckily neither of them were in the country...

LAUGHTER

..or existed.

LAUGHTER

Preston is angry now, I can't continue.

LAUGHTER

I've been listening to your album, it's very impressive.

-Good, thank you.

-All tracks written by Preston.

Except two, three, four...

LAUGHTER

-..six, seven.

-I still wrote all them, I just wrote them with my guitarist.

Sure, sure you did. Nine...

LAUGHTER

..ten, 11, 13 and 15.

LAUGHTER

-Sorry, I like it though.

-Good.

LAUGHTER

"The Paris Hilton work was a low point for me.

"It wasn't what I wanted to be doing and on top of that it caused me

"some real problems with my hair."

LAUGHTER

What, it's a good... Haven't you read it?

I don't want to spoil the ending for you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"The photoshoot was for the Daily Mail,

"which made me feel really posh and up-market."

Oh, you've blown it, man. See you later, I can't be doing with this. Sorry.

-What? Oh, no, Preston, come on.

-I'm seriously going home.

-Preston, we're having fun.

-I ain't.

-Come on, Preston. Oh, no, we can't lose Preston.

LAUGHTER

I guess he thought he's been voted out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I only read his girlfriend's book.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-That's his wife.

I only read his wife's book.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What's wrong with that?

-I can't believe that upset him.

I mean, I don't know if he's read it, I've read the whole thing

and it upset me.

LAUGHTER

Anyone look a bit like Preston and you want to...?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right there.

-Hang on a minute.

-He's going to find someone.

-Right there.

Come here, come here.

CHEERING

We've got a lookie-likie.

You'll be fine.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've just got to look a bit surly, like that, that's it, perfect.

Look a bit surly and every time he goes...say it's out of order.

Say that.

LAUGHTER

You chose a really pretty one, he looks great.

Welcome to show business.

-What is your name?

-Ed.

-Hello, Preston.

Oh, no, hang on. We can't have two Eds.

It's all right, we've got one Ed, one Phil, one Preston.

-What do you do in your real life?

-Um, a well driller.

-A well driller?

-Drill boreholes.

-Water wells, or oil wells?

-Neither.

-Ah.

LAUGHTER

What kind of well is there? Is it a lemonade well?

You're smiling, if we make fun of you,

you're already being a very bad Preston.

LAUGHTER

I didn't even finish the quote from the book.

LAUGHTER

It's out of order.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We'll always be grateful to Ed for helping us out and staying

until the end of the show.

So thanks to Phil, Preston, Ed, Bill, Fyfe and Anne.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks,

and that's the end of tonight's show.

PIANO PLAYS NEIGHBOURS THEME TUNE

APPLAUSE

The word "legend" gets bandied around all too often these days

and it seems glib to use it to describe someone who's just

really bloody good on a panel show.

So anyway, step forward Buzzcocks legend Bill Bailey.

Looking to meet guys in your area?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

2007 was Bill Bailey's fifth

and final full year as skipper on Buzzcocks. But who was he really?

I'm actually a 1982 Michael Bolton Stars In Their Eyes regional finalist.

The last time I was on you bought me a Klingon nonce.

LAUGHTER

It's the gay, hippy Dennis the Menace.

You're an Art Garfunkel tribute.

You look like Anthony Hopkins now.

LAUGHTER

Hey, still got it.

LAUGHTER

Here are the top five things we know about Bill.

At number five, he's a wizard on guitar.

THEY PLAY ADDAMS FAMILY THEME TUNE

No!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's rock'n'roll.

At four, he can work with anyone, even actual superstars.

Take your time.

It's like weird Siamese twins joined at the goat.

LAUGHTER

Oh!

I suddenly am filled with the urge to buy some cheap Belgian porn.

LAUGHTER

I come about the, er, fridge, yes?

LAUGHTER

-It's not broken.

-Oh, gosh, it's so hot in here.

LAUGHTER

Three, Bill is an expert in rock'n'roll analysis.

Just run this thing, I think he's actually hypnotising in it.

"Now, you are a chicken."

LAUGHTER

"Go and get a chicken?" "No, you are a chicken."

LAUGHTER

"And now pretend that the floor is very hot."

"Oh! Ow, ow, ow!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Oh. Ow, ow, ow!"

Two, the Bill Bailey look is unique and inimitable.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

LAUGHTER

You have to order them according to how many times they've

turned on Christmas lights with the most on the left.

But first of all, who do you think they are?

HE LAUGHS

Any ideas, Bill Bailey?

LAUGHTER

Can I just tell you that actually somebody in the street was

walking along and they pointed at me and they said, "You're trying

"to be Bill Bailey, aren't you?" And then they went, "Nice try!"

LAUGHTER

Actually, he does look a little bit more like me than I do.

And at number one,

Bill left a lasting impression on all those he worked with.

-I'm having fun tonight.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-But I just feel like, you know, with Bill not here...

-Yeah.

I feel almost like I can't breathe.

-Certainly let him know how you feel if you do feel like that.

-Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

LIP-SYNCHING: # If I should die before I wake

# It's cos you took my breath away

# Losing you is like living in a world with no air

# Oh

LIP-SYNCHING: # I'm here alone Didn't wanna leave

# My heart won't move It's incomplete

# Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

# But how do you expect me

# To live alone with just me

# Cos my world revolves around you It's so hard for me to breathe

# Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

# Can't live, can't breathe with no air

# It's how I feel whenever you ain't there

# It's no air, it's no air. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bill Bailey, we salute you.

And speaking of legends, time for a bit more Donny Tourette.

Hang on a minute.

Donny is smoking now!

What is he going to do next?

LAUGHTER

A cigarette that you can legally buy in shops?

LAUGHTER

I'll try to carry on but I'm shocked and appalled.

LAUGHTER

2007 saw It girl Paris Hilton get banged up.

Hollywood socialite Paris Hilton will now have to get used to a tiny

cell and a prisoner's jumpsuit.

You know, even though this is a scary thing,

I'm using it in a positive way and when I come out

I can't wait to start my new life and be even stronger than I am now.

Steve Jobs tried his luck with a new telephone.

It's a revolutionary mobile phone.

CHEERING

An iPod. A phone.

CHEERING

Are you getting it?

# And it's raining more than ever. #

And during the wettest summer on record,

Rihanna had a huge hit with the appropriately titled Umbrella.

# Under my umbrella

# Ella ella eh eh. #

Here's another of 2007's biggest anthems as performed

by Phil Jupitus and Scouting For Girls' front man, Roy Stride.

# Da da da, da da da

# Da da da, da da da

# Da da da, da da da

# Da da da, da da da

# Da da da, da da da

# Da da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da. #

Is it the menu saver on Sky?

LAUGHTER

-No.

-No. But that was very modern.

-Quite modern, yeah.

-Quite a modern gag.

-Yeah.

Good. What else have you got? Go on, do something about Facebook.

LAUGHTER

-OK, I'm passing it over.

-It's the Kaiser Chiefs.

-With?

-Ruby.

-Correct.

Kaiser Chiefs celebrated hitting the top stop by ordering a takeaway.

I can't remember what they had.

# Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. #

Oh, yeah, that's right, Chinese.

Take That locked themselves away in cubicles and started wailing.

Which is also what Robbie Williams did when he heard the track.

MUSIC: "Grace Kelly" by Mika

2007 saw Mika grab his pop career by the balls.

Which incidentally is how he managed to hit those high notes.

# Why don't you come on over, Valerie. #

And Mark Ronson was busy collaborating with

some of music's biggest names, and who bigger than Phil Jupitus?

HE PLAYS "GO WEST" BY THE PET SHOP BOYS

Oh!

Yes!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's good, isn't he?

-You're good, aren't you?

-You must get it, Vic?

Of course I know what it is.

-Well, go on?

-It's Go West.

-Yeah. By the Pet Shop Boys.

# Go west. #

APPLAUSE

Now, why, Ronson, have you not covered Hear'Say yet?

Why has that not happened?

I've didn't...I've never...heard or seen...

LAUGHTER

I live in America.

I wonder how Donny Tourette's getting on.

I would pass it over at this point but Donny Tourette has gone missing.

Mid-show, the boy has disappeared. Who knows where he's gone.

I will pass it over but I'll play him.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How's your cig there, Tourette?

-Did his helmet go blue?

LAUGHTER

I don't know. Simon, did his helmet go blue?

Hi there, sunshine.

LAUGHTER

-That's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

-# Do be do be do-do-do. #

LAUGHTER

# Do be do be do-do-do. #

The only reason I'm on the show is because you told everyone you fancied me, dude.

It's not, it's because we have difficulty booking people.

LAUGHTER

The beauty of Buzzcocks is that you never know what you're going to get.

Especially when it comes to guests.

2007 saw a total eclipse of the studio as Bonnie Tyler made quite

an impression.

How many Manchester United players does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, how many Manchester United players does it take

to change a light bulb?

Two. One from the team and one from the guy that goes to fetch

the other one in Reading.

LAUGHTER

Shall we pump your stomach? I don't know what to do.

THEY SING THE TUNE OF "RING OF FIRE" BY JOHNNY CASH

APPLAUSE

Krishnan has never looked so terrified.

And he has reported from war-torn Kashmir, so.

-And for more of tonight's jokes, here's Krishnan.

-Thanks, Simon.

In 2004, the Cash family refused to allow an ad agency

to use Ring Of Fire in a commercial for haemorrhoid cream.

They eventually grew up and went for a medley of songs by Sting,

Cream and Hole.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Simon.

-Thanks, Krishnan.

LAUGHTER

-Now, with the weather, here's Bonnie.

-What?

LAUGHTER

Over here, it's very warm.

And down here is going to be very ice cold.

LAUGHTER

Up here there's been a lot of wind.

LAUGHTER

-Turn around.

-# Bright eyes. #

-It's not what I've got here.

Oh.

# Every now and then I get a little bit lonely

# When I dream of something wild. #

No.

# Every now and then I fall apart. #

No.

LAUGHTER

Every now and then I get a little bit terrified

and then I see the look in your eyes.

Correct.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And from veterans to newcomers.

Buzzcocks prides itself on providing a platform for up-and-coming stars

and in 2007, the show proved itself to be the ultimate talent spotter.

Just when the public were least expecting it, we took a punt,

a gamble. We stuck it all on red and we hit the jackpot.

Yes, Buzzcocks was responsible for introducing the world to

a man who would become one of the greats of a generation.

Yes, it's Dappy from N-Dubz.

APPLAUSE

# You better not waste my time. #

2007 saw N-Dubz burst onto the scene as they were

crowned best newcomers at the MOBOs.

N-Dubz.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On a count of three, I want all the males to say, "Na-na-na."

One, two, three.

AUDIENCE: Na-na-na.

Wait, wait, wait.

-What, what?

-Wait, wait.

-Hang on a minute.

-Whoa, unplanned.

Who wants to see Simon wear a Dappy hat?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS APPROVAL

APPLAUSE

I like these bits, too,

it makes you look like a little sort of woollen dog.

LAUGHTER

Is that the look you're going for? The knitted poodle.

LAUGHTER

-Thank you.

-Here you go.

-Oh, yeah.

APPLAUSE

Can we make a round of applause, please.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So go on, can I be in the N-Dubz now?

First of all, you can't listen to just any type of music,

you need to be able to expand your degrees of knowledge of music.

I listen to George Michael, Phil Collins.

All together.

# I'm never going to dance again

# Guilty feet have got no r... #

OK, nobody has joined in. Nobody.

LAUGHTER

Come on.

A year later, with their debut album riding high in the charts,

Dappy had some explaining to do.

# Who's this woman in my bed? #

Name's Shaniqua and what?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What does she mean by, "My name is Shaniqua and what?"

"My name is Shaniqua and what?", basically, um...

-My name is Shaniqua and do you have any other questions?

-And what?

Basically, yeah. What are you going to do about it?

-Is she the one who's been sleeping with that dude there?

-Yeah.

Who's the other one then?

His girlfriend is the one walking up the stairs.

Are any of these people married?

LAUGHTER

# I've been searching all over Facebook

# And I can't seem to find you. #

And in 2009, off the back of their biggest hit to date,

guest host Martin Freeman gave Dappy another shot at explaining himself.

"I went to go on Facebook."

No, the lyrics don't go like that, geezer.

LAUGHTER

How do they go?

Wait, wait, "I've been searching all over Facebook."

-Really?

-That's how it went.

-Seri...? This is wrong?

-Yeah.

What I've got here, Dappy, "I went to go on Facebook".

Next line, "Will I get her face back?"

My bloody bad.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know what, brother, that is on the verse, my bad.

I'm sorry, you're right, you're right.

May I ask what it's about?

It's about saying how you was tipsy yesterday,

and you're pissed you never took this bird's number

and now you've gone on Facebook,

you've tried everything to do to find her,

just can't seem to find her

and you want to find her so you can nail that...

LAUGHTER

They said chivalry was dead.

LAUGHTER

# Phil and Daps. #

THEY BEAT BOX TOGETHER

# The rest need a slap. #

He's putting me off with his new lyrics.

LAUGHTER

What's with... You can't just make up new words.

He can, he will, you can't stop him!

LAUGHTER

I have to say one thing, big inspiration, you, my darling.

I've been watching you when I was a baby and whatnot.

Wait, wait. Now what's that... What, what?

You know that song.

# Road rage, giving me the best... #

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SINGING

See? See? See? What?

This is awkward. This is awkward.

LAUGHTER

-Am I right or wrong?

-I think you think she's someone else.

LAUGHTER

This is Cerys Matthews from Catatonia.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Dappy.

You might be smarter than me on this show today, all right? That's it.

Dappy, you know the way you come in, can you go out the same way?

LAUGHTER

HARP MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good night.

Are you going to let me down now, bruv? Seriously.

LAUGHTER

So that was 2007 put under the Buzzcocks microscope.

Before I leave you,

here's a round-up of some of the faces you've seen tonight.

Let's kick things off with Adam Buxton, Randy from Big Brovaz,

KT Tunstall, Bobby Davro, Simon Bird,

Charlie Brooker, Alfie Jackson from the Holloways,

Goldie, Rick Wakeman, Adele,

Har Mar Superstar, that's Fyfe Dangerfield from Guillemots,

Robert Webb, Martin Freeman,

Leigh from Terrorvision, Martha Wainwright, AKA Cerys Matthews,

Matt Goss, Ed the well driller and of course Preston.

Oh, go on then,

because you've been good you can have one more bit of Donny Tourette.

Phil's team have seven points. Bill's team have eight points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Donny is unhappy.

That's bullshit, they didn't win.

LAUGHTER

You've given like more questions because they're retards.

Punks love points.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, smash the system but can he have another point?

LAUGHTER

He's about as punk as Enya.

LAUGHTER

I'm Alex James and that was 2007, What A Load Of Buzzcocks.

# My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundations

# And I know that I should let go but I can't

# And every time we fight I know it's not right

# Every time that you're upset and I smile

# I know I should forget but I can't. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd