2000 What a Load of Buzzcocks

One eventful night in 1996, comedy and rock'n'roll had an ill-advised fumble

with devastating effects.

The resulting offspring would soon become famed for its acerbic wit,

musical know-how and celebrity...ish friends.

It soon became known as Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Calm down, God! It's only a pop quiz.

Always the first to offer words of wisdom and compassion...

-Come on, bell-end, do something!

-..this show became an oracle for the world of entertainment.

If you think I'm a poor booking, let's meet the guests.

-And when it comes to splits, spats...

-See you later.

-What?

..and guessing which member of a line-up was the drummer in a band you barely remember,

Buzzcocks has seen it all.

So join us as we pay tribute to some of the biggest names of the last millennium...and Dane Bowers.

You're watching What A Load Of Buzzcocks 2000.

BIG BEN CHIMES

The dawning of a new millennium promised a bright future,

a future in which the people of Britain would stand side by side,

hand in hand, united in harmony.

Who's with me?

Bollocks! How about that?

Nice idea, but 2000 saw Liam and Robbie fall out at the BRITs

with the so-called "fat dancer from Take That" suggesting they put up £100,000 each for a televised fight.

I'm not doing anything for a bit, I've not got an album out and I'm a bit bored,

so it's nice just to stir people's tail feathers up.

-What if he rises to the challenge?

-I'll fight him.

If he slags my band off and he slags my wife or my girlfriend off, I'm going to knock him out. Anyone else?

He goes on about fighting me for 200 grand. I'm not even in the country. It shows who's the soft lad.

I'm sure it will resolve itself over time.

The Gallaghers would go on to become one of Buzzcocks' favourite topics.

I'll have you!

# Da-a-a-a-an, da-a-a-an... #

Simon and Garfunkel(?)

LAUGHTER Bridge Over Troubled Water?

# Da-da-da-daa-da-da, da-da... #

-Roll With It and all that, Oasis?

-Yeah, Roll With It by Oasis.

The wisdom and teachings of Liam Gallagher continued to be a talking point for years to come.

-On going out to gigs, Liam Gallagher says...

-BLEEP

-"What's the point? All the bands are shit."

-On the Glastonbury spirit, "I

-BLEEP

-hate Glastonbury. I'm here for the money."

LAUGHTER

-On the Scissor Sisters, "Bright colours and

-BLEEP

-weirdos on stilts. No."

Amazing.

There must have been something in the booze at the BRITs in 2000

as Ronnie Wood was rudely interrupted on stage by a random bloke. Sorry, I've misread that.

Brandon Block. Disgraceful behaviour!

The Stones are a national institution and should be treated with respect.

In 1975, a Florida preacher denounced the band

after a survey of 1,000 unmarried mothers showed that 984 of them had conceived to the sound

of The Rolling Stones shagging them.

In May 1996, Keith became a grandfather for the first time.

He was overjoyed when they told him, "Ten pounds, six ounces,"

saying, "That's cheap, I'll have two grand's worth."

Bill Wyman has now left The Stones, but he was with them for 31 years through thick and thin.

Or Mandy Smith as she was also known.

If you've never seen The Stones live, why not enjoy Noel Fielding's impression

and save yourself the time?

# Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo, boo-boo...

# Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo... #

-I'm just enjoying it. It's good.

-I can't keep doing it.

-Do you want to guess?

-It's The Rolling Stones, but I can't think what the song's called.

-- Miss You, Rolling Stones. - Oh, I'm so sorry.

-Correct. This is how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS: "Miss You" - The Rolling Stones

-You're really good.

-That was good, Mick.

-Very good.

From The Stones to their age-old rivals The Beatles

whose No.1s compilation became the biggest selling album of 2000.

# She loves you and you know you should be glad... #

Here's a Buzzcocks tribute to the Fab Four.

Paul McCartney recently donated £5,000 to help a child violinist realise his dream.

It turns out the kid's dream was to have £5,000. Worked out great.

Even worse for McCartney, the kid went out and blew it on an endangered snow leopard sandwich.

Paul McCartney's knighthood may have been delayed by the cannabis possession thing.

After a spliff, the Queen can never remember which one he is.

George Harrison was attacked at his home. When confronted by the maniac,

Harrison chanted a mantra to achieve inner transcendental calm.

When that didn't work, his wife twatted the bloke with a lamp.

John Lennon had an airport named after him and a lot of Blazin' Squad are named after stations.

There's DJ Didcot Parkway.

LAUGHTER

There's the Notorious Chorleywood.

-And...

-LAUGHTER

And there's Snoop Doggy Rickmansworth.

A few years down the line, we invited a bona-fide friend of The Beatles to guest-host the show.

I know this one. When can I say?

Any time you like.

-# Dum-dum, chickadow... #

-The Beatles.

-Oh!

-It's The Beatles. Isn't that enough?

Who's in charge here? LAUGHTER

Why don't you give him a clue?

Lots of people in the same area - how did they get there?

The bus. LAUGHTER

- When you're making love... - Yeah?

LAUGHTER

And there's a perfect union

when you...

- Come Together. - Yes!

APPLAUSE

Did anybody know that I was great mates with The Beatles?

-Did you have a favourite Beatle?

-I went through the lot of them.

LAUGHTER

No, I didn't mean... No.

Cilla Black!

-No, no...

-APPLAUSE

No! Let me clarify that.

Just for the audience and everybody watching at home,

when you saw The Beatles as a kid, your first love was Paul

because he had that lovely baby face,

then you went on to John

because he was rugged and very feisty,

then you went on to George because he was just so lovely.

And the last resort was Ringo.

Mind you, have you seen him lately?

Who'd have thought that Ringo would turn out the cute one?

He used to look like Yasser Arafat. He doesn't any more.

-LAUGHTER

-No, he doesn't any more.

# I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady... #

The new millennium brought three major success stories.

# Please stand up, please stand up... #

Eminem became the first credible white man in rap since PJ and Duncan

as 2000 saw The Real Slim Shady and Stan both hit the No.1 spots.

# Why I got out of bed at all... #

Coldplay parachuted into the charts and brought us Shiver, Yellow and Trouble.

Sounds like a liver infection!

But one man stood a perfectly trim cut above the rest.

# I-III...

# Would like to rewind... #

I went to the BRIT Awards and Ali G was there. The first thing he said was, "Bo' Selecta!"

Out of the whole place, I felt that inside. It was something he was saying to me.

Yes, 2000 saw Craig David explode all over the charts with three of the year's biggest hits.

Here's Craig's revolutionary take on making music.

That's the thing that I try to create with my album - songs.

# Can you fill me in...? #

Craig, get the beat and make it so hot that it's undeniable.

Unsurprisingly, Craig David went on to become a firm favourite on Buzzcocks.

Craig says when girls go out with him, he worries, "Is this for Craig David the person or the artist?"

-Oh, God!

-Not over the jokes, all right?

LAUGHTER

Number one rule. I don't talk over your songs. I don't even listen to 'em!

-Not over the jokes!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Last Christmas, Craig just missed the top of the charts with Re-Rewind

when Cliff Richard held him firmly in the number two slot.

Alesha, can you rap as fast as Craig David?

SHE STARTS RAPPING

No.

What's it called, though? That quick rapping, is there a name for it?

-Crapping?

-Crapping?!

-Crapping?

-LAUGHTER

Toasting, freestyling?

-I think I prefer "crapping".

-That's a good one.

Craig David's a good crapper.

-Are you...?

-No, I'm not a good crapper.

-OK.

Not many can do it. You and him are almost the entire UK crap scene.

Things took a turn for the worse for Craig when a certain idea hopped into Simon Amstell's head.

We all know Craig David sleeps with rabbits. That's known?

-His girlfriend's stunning.

-Oh, yeah.

Thumper?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Earth, Wind & Fire used to liven up performances with magic tricks.

That's nothing. At the end of Craig David's shows, he pulls a rabbit...

That's just the end of that one.

Pink recently became the face of an RSPCA campaign to encourage people to be kinder to animals.

Craig David was disappointed not to be asked, especially after setting up his own charity,

the International Federation for the Universal Care of Rabbits.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I'll handicap you. We'll put some ear defenders on you, so you cannot hear what is going on.

-OK.

# Monday, took her for a drink on Tuesday... #

-Three.

-# We were making love by Wednesday... #

-Blow job?

-# And Thursday, Friday, Saturday, we chilled on Sunday... #

APPLAUSE

-"Took her for a drink on..."

-From that, it looked more like, "I sucked him off on Tuesday."

-What do you think it was?

-It's called 7 Days?

-It is called 7 Days. Absolutely right. Awesome!

Is you Madonna? Your babylons look less big than they do on the telly, but I still definitely would.

-You wish!

-I do, actually.

# Music... #

2000 saw Madonna team up with Ali G to make beautiful music.

Clearly feeling inspired, Richard Madeley brought us his most unforgettable moment.

In fact, it was a big year for the most overexposed pair in television.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-CHEERING

-No, I'm not doing him.

-The real one's here.

-The real one's here. He'll take care of me afterwards. Um...

No, I'm not doing him. Can I...?

-Ohh!

-Oh!

CHEERING

Good old John Leslie.

The new millennium witnessed a TV revolution as Big Brother hit our screens for the first time.

At first, it seemed more people might have been talking about Big Brother than watching it

on what's normally a minority channel. Not any more.

The show became a massive hit and overnight, the reality TV star was born,

but as well as creating heroes, 2000's Big Brother also brought us Nasty Nick.

-We were totally all respecting you.

-A lot of people in this house had a lot of respect for you, Nick.

In retrospect, you know, it was an error.

But like all things, if you live by the sword, you die by the sword.

-# Cos tonight, baby... #

-One man who couldn't stay out of the news in 2000 was Dane Bowers.

Following a devastating split from Another Level,

he also split from modelling and future equestrian clothing star Jordan.

But things started to look up in April 2000 as his debut solo effort Buggin' gate-crashed the top ten.

Buzzcocks was such a Bowers fan, we booked him on back-to-back series.

# Buggin', buggin' you

# Buggin'... #

-LAUGHTER

-You got the words wrong, Dane(!)

LAUGHTER

We were banned from singing Freak Me on Blue Peter.

-We had to change the lyrics because we said, "Let me lick you up and down."

-About stamps, wasn't it?

I like the pride in the fact that you were banned from Blue Peter.

I'm proud of having higher hair than you at the moment.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Oh, no, we're not... It's not Hair Wars now, is it?

Anyway, you haven't.

Is there a similarity between me and Dane there?

-No.

-Because I've been fast-forwarding - no offence - on television, but thought it was me.

And I went back, but then I realised my hair was higher.

LAUGHTER

Following his triumph on Buzzcocks, Bowers went from strength to strength,

hooking up with Victoria Beckham for her first post-Spice foray.

Not once did you ever sort of... a bit drunk?

- We both snogged each other. - Oh, wicked!

When you snogged Victoria, did you find her face a bit sharp?

LAUGHTER

Victoria Beckham, better known as Posh Spice, is making her first solo bid for the No.1 slot.

Determined perhaps to silence those who criticise her for being the one Spice Girl that can't sing,

she's touring the country to promote her new single.

But Posh Spice's main rival Spiller says it's relying on its song and not hype to boost sales.

But who would come out on top? Posh Spice or Ellis-Bextor and Spiller?

Tonight, Victoria Beckham must swallow the sad and bitter truth

that she's lost out in her race for the No.1 spot to a band that sounds like a dog food.

Its lead singer says her only claim to fame is her mother worked on Blue Peter.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor was a successful artist in her own right.

Why did everyone keep banging on about the Blue Peter connection?

Let's just get Sophie in the mood with something she might know.

THEME MUSIC: "Blue Peter"

APPLAUSE

By the way, I got these for your mum. This should help for the collection.

LAUGHTER

-I'm always thinking of you...

-You can do that one.

-How much will you get for that? About 50 pence?

-About that.

-Great, anything to help.

Let's cheer her up. Here's a picture of my tortoise.

Oh, for God's sake!

-Go on, you can have it.

-How long are you going to make this joke go on?

-An hour or so.

You could go home now. You're loaded with stuff.

It's like Christmas Day.

Sophie, see this? See this?

LAUGHTER

15 minutes, that took.

Several years later with a new host at the helm, we invited Sophie back

to share her showbiz anecdotes.

-Sophie, you just finished the Take That tour?

-Yeah.

-Was that fun?

-Brilliant. I had a lovely time.

-Any gossip? Anything?

-No, they're just really nice guys. Kind of what you expect, isn't it?

Imagine you were on a comedy show where we needed to fill some time, then what would you say?

There was a funny night where Take That had a Christmas party

and all the boys took the piss out of each other in a genuinely funny manner.

That will have to do.

# Nee-ow, nee-ow

# Nee-ow, nee-ow... #

More chart news now. Here is one of 2000's most memorable hits

as performed by Phill Jupitus and an extremely young Jamelia.

# Ohhh-oh

# Ohhh-oh... #

-Mr Bean?

-# Ohh-ah...

-# Ohh-ah!

-Nee-ow

-# Nee... #

-Whoa!

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

-Moby.

-It is Moby.

-But it's off the film The Beach and I don't know what it's called.

It's Porcelain which should have sounded like this.

MUSIC: "Porcelain" - Moby

Yes, Porcelain was the sixth single to be released from Moby's mammoth selling No.1 album Play.

Moby's album Play is the record most frequently used in adverts,

including my favourite... # Oh, lordy... # Toilet Duck!

LAUGHTER

The scores at the end of that round are five-all, so it's a draw, teams, OK?

APPLAUSE

It's a tie-break situation, so I'm going to show you a home-made clip.

Count how many Mobys there are in this clip. Go!

# Moby, Moby, Moby

# Moby, Michael Stipe, Moby, Moby

# Moby, Moby, Michael Stipe

# Michael Stipe, Michael Stipe Moby, Moby, Michael Stipe

# Moby, Moby, Moby, Michael Chiklis

# Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis

# Michael Chiklis, Moby, Moby Michael Stipe, Michael Chiklis

# Heston Blumenthal! #

APPLAUSE

Might have been thrown by Blumenthal at the end there, but how many Mobys did you count? Phill?

-12.

-You're going for 12.

-Noel's team?

-14.

-14.

The correct answer was 15, so, Noel, you were closest there with 14,

which means you are tonight's winners!

Elsewhere, Kylie dusted herself down, threw on an old pair of shorts and tried her luck with this.

# I'm spinning around... #

The hot pants in my video seem to have attracted more attention than I have.

# I'm not the same... #

-Kylie's favourite bra fetched a staggering £6,000 on eBay.

-Do you want to see it?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

2000 was a beautiful year for U2 as they launched themselves back into the charts.

# It's a beautiful day... #

I think Bono gets a raw deal. Just give me three good reasons why he comes in for so much stick.

I am overpaid, over-nourished

and, um...over-dressed.

All right, fair enough. Here's fellow Irishman Sean Hughes to shed some light on the band's origins.

Bono's name came from a shop on O'Connell Street.

They were going down the road, but they were looking in the car mirror, so they read it backwards.

He thought it said "Bono", but it was actually Ireland's first sex shop called "O'Nob".

Is that your final answer?

-No, it's not!

-Kelle, it's only a game.

-I like to win.

-You don't get a speedboat at the end. You just leave.

It's a shop on O'Connell Street for hearing aids called Bonavox.

Spot-on. As a teenager, Bono, whose real name is Paul Hewson, was a member of a gang called The Village.

They sound hard, don't they(?) And they used to meet opposite a hearing aid shop

on Dublin's O'Connell Street called Bonavox. He liked the name and he adopted it.

In 1989, The Edge celebrated the birth of his third child

by water-skiing with Luke and Matt Goss.

It worked out cheaper than hiring water-skis.

That banner was put up by Bertie Ahern, just apologising for U2 and Boyzone.

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"I'm very sorry about the whole business."

-That's a good way to start the peace talks.

-Yeah.

And for some reason, Adam Clayton is dressed as a 1980s lesbian.

LAUGHTER

-He looks a bit like Pat from EastEnders.

-He does.

The Edge says that whilst recording U2 tracks, he sometimes peels off his clothes to relieve the boredom.

Good luck. I've tried peeling off my skin and they're still tedious!

Old sex symbols don't fade away. They just go from strength to strength.

# Sex bomb, sex bomb... #

Yes, the new millennium wasn't just about new artists

as three of music's old guard were still populating the charts.

First up, Tom Jones, who in 2000 was reloaded and back to his best.

He's got that weird thing now where he goes...

Every now and again, he'll be singing... # Why, why, why... #

# Sex bomb, sex bomb... #

-WELSH ACCENT:

-"Keep it together, Tom. Whoa!"

According to rumour, Tom Jones immerses his manhood in Listerine after making love.

It helps to retain his potency and make sure the lady has fresh breath in the morning.

-LAUGHTER

-Now...

That's how I'd like to do the joke. Our lawyers have asked me to use this wording.

A long time ago, Tom Jones cleansed his member with a name brand mouthwash.

It may or may not have had a direct effect on his virility,

but his lady friend had nice breath, possibly for unconnected reasons. Only joking!

LAUGHTER

Keeping Tom company, Elton John,

and as we entered the new millennium,

Elton John was so famous, he couldn't even book himself for video shoots,

instead calling on A-list chums Justin Timberlake and Robert Downey Junior.

Elton may have been getting on a bit, but he could still be a little risque.

-That's back to basics, isn't it?

-It is.

-Piano, bass and drums?

-Piano, bass, drums, guitar.

A bit of organ. I like a nice organ.

LAUGHTER

In 1998, Elton John sued his manager over the loss of £20 million earrings.

-Sorry, earnings.

-LAUGHTER

No, sorry, earrings.

Elton said, "I've always wanted to smash a guitar over someone's head. You can't do that with a piano."

Sit tight, sunbeam. I have some big mates. We'll have a go.

Elton refuses to set foot in France again after a fan shouted "yoo-hoo" at him.

He was annoyed they'd found out what he used to stick his hair on with.

# Sweet freedom whispered in my ear

# You're a butterfly... #

What do you think is the tale behind that story?

I didn't know Timmy Mallett did a single.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, I heard, right, that at this time, he wasn't... Nobody knew that he was gay, innit?

Well, people had an idea.

I heard he married someone?

You are very, very close, although you're thinking of Freddie Mercury.

I think that this was like a kind of secret kind of...

-Lemonade drinker?

-No, a kind of secret confession that he's gay.

"You nearly had me roped and tied." He's talking about a woman.

"You very nearly had me, but, oh, I'm gay!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I really do love the thought that gay men, that's the way they work it out.

"Oh, I'm gay!"

Our final oldie needs no introduction,

so here's the world's most long-winded introduction ever, courtesy of Gail Porter.

This next guy has sold more records in the UK than anybody else

and his current single continues that trend.

Despite its lack of radio play, you bought it, we've put him on.

It is, of course, Sir Cliff Richard!

CHEERING

Cliff, what does it feel like to be back here on Top Of The Pops?

-It's always great to be on The Pops because it means your record's in the charts!

-Hooray!

# Lead us not

# To the time of trial... #

Fresh off the back of his chart-topping Millennium Prayer and celebrating his 60th birthday,

Cliff Richard had become something of a hot Buzzcocks topic in 2000.

# The power and the glory... #

This, surely... That's the Quality Street team...

- That's bad. - That's the way we dance over here.

Usually when Peter sees it, there's a pair of fake breasts swinging...

We're the same age. Same birthday, same age. Separated at birth. He could be my brother.

LAUGHTER

Your lives have led a very similar path(!)

What a great contest that'd be, you and Cliff!

"So, Cliff, let's count off the people we've slept with. One... All right, my turn."

# Oh, oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa... #

"Hey, Cliff, Cilla Black here. I'm going out with Dale Winton, Paul O'Grady and Christopher Biggins.

"Do you want to come?" "Not with that bunch of gaylords.

"What would the priest I've lived with platonically for seven years think?"

-Eugh!

-Women queue for days for his concerts.

They actually go to Wimbledon and hope that it starts raining,

so Cliff can get up and do an impromptu performance of Living Doll or whatever.

-How does he stay young?

-I think there are many people in the world who would like to know his secret.

Well, I think most of us do, but, um...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

He pulled his 1975 record Honky Tonk Angel

when he learned the title referred to a loose moral lady of the night and never performed the song again.

If only somebody had told him that Mistletoe And Wine was street slang for amyl nitrate and tromboning.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, there you go, the year 2000, according to Buzzcocks.

We danced, had fun

and got a bit carried away.

Time to get all nostalgic about some of the faces we've seen in the new millennium with.

That's Daphne and Celeste, Hugh Cornwell from The Stranglers, Joe Washbourn from Toploader,

the late, great Kirsty MacColl, Coolio, Kelle Bryan from Eternal,

Kenzie from Blazin' Squad, Kelly Jones, Nicky Shaw from the Thunderbugs, Bernard Cribbins,

Andrea McLean, Simon Day, Su-Elise Nash from Mis-Teeq and Peter Stringfellow.

I've been Alex James and that was 2000, What A Load Of Buzzcocks!

# Say it ain't so, I will not go

# Turn the lights off, carry me home

# Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill

# The night will go on, my little windmill

# Say it ain't so, I will not go

# Turn the lights off, carry me home

# Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill

# The night will go on... #