2008 What a Load of Buzzcocks

This programme contains some strong language.

One eventful night in 1996,

comedy and rock'n'roll had an ill-advised fumble with devastating effects.

The resulting offspring would soon become famed for its acerbic wit,

musical know-how and celebrity-ish friends.

It soon became known as Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Calm down, God, it's only a pop quiz!

Always the first in line to offer words of wisdom and compassion...

Come on, bell-end, do something!

..this show became an oracle for the world of entertainment.

I'm Simon Amstell, and if you think I'm a poor booking,

let's meet tonight's guests.

And when it comes to splits, spats

and guessing which member of a line-up used to be

the drummer in some band you barely remember, Buzzcocks has seen it all.

APPLAUSE

So join us, as we stumble down memory lane

and see a little bit of this...

that...and them.

You're watching What a Load of Buzzcocks 2008.

# Womaniser, woman, womaniser... #

A year that saw two of the country's top entertainers quietly

pop off for a sabbatical.

The BBC has apologised unreservedly for a broadcast on Radio 2

which has drawn more than 10,000 complaints from the public.

Who made the decision to broadcast it?

Why did they conclude that it should be broadcast?

The BBC need to be transparent about all of those decisions

and explain its decision making process.

I believe that what I did was wrong

and I don't want to cause any more trouble.

Strange, really, when Brand appeared as a guest captain

on Buzzcocks in the same year, he was the epitome of the British gent.

God, I love you! We can do this damn quiz. It's only a quiz, isn't it?

Look at the word "quiz".

Nothing serious can happen as a result of a quiz.

"There was a quiz earlier and three men died." It's a quiz!

APPLAUSE

When Rachel and I discussed how to do this,

Rachel very much put the onus on me.

A man with no musical abilities or experience.

-She's just tapping on a table.

-Similar to what she did in S Club.

-She's the best one!

-She was the best one.

I would never have joined the S Club, were it not for her.

-You don't know what it was?

-Yes, I do, it's like Scouts or Cubs...

LAUGHTER

-We must decide which one we believe was in Bis.

-Yes.

-That is a simple matter...

-Do you remember Bis?

-Er, well, no.

As a matter of fact, I am completely oblivious to it.

You could say, ignorance is Bis!

LAUGHTER

Is it that one, that one or that one?

It could be any of them, they all seem damn nice.

Now, normally when I'm picking a woman,

I don't bother with this hullabaloo.

You can boil it down to a simple gesture.

But today we're on our best manners. I like that one, she's got a quiff.

That one looks cute and rosy. She's all sort of innocent.

That one's filth, I'd go for that one most likely.

LAUGHTER

The one with the bullet belt. Shotgun. Peow! Let's go!

And...breathe.

Brand was one of many big-name guest captains during 2008's post-Bailey, pre-Fielding era.

Let's enjoy three of our favourites, starting with James Corden.

Germaine, are you enjoying James as your captain this evening?

He's known as a big sex guy, a big womaniser, these days.

Have you heard about James Corden's antics?

Frankly, no, and I very much doubt that it occurs within my age-group.

No, I think...

You don't know how wrong you are, missy!

LAUGHTER

-James, do your chat up line.

-Oh, shut up!

-Come on.

-No!

It makes women melt, will Germaine melt? Here we go.

Oh, fuck off, no!

LAUGHTER

Go on, go for it.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Do it!

You know what? I... I don't think you know how lovely you are.

-Well, you're quite wrong. I know exactly...

-Shhhh...

LAUGHTER

-That's when you're supposed to melt, Germaine.

-No, I'm not there yet.

-We're not at the melting phase yet.

-Go on, go on.

I don't think you know how lovely you are

and I think you could do with someone around you

to tell you that every day and that may not be me

but I want you to find him.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next up, Stephen Fry with his unique take on the US hip-hop scene.

That was Akon with Smack That, but how did a pretzel land him

in trouble with the law at a 2007 New York gig?

-Do you know anything about Akon?

-I fear I'm afraid I don't.

He seems to come with the standard uniform of the hippoty-hoppoty brigade, with the...

-He looks very hip-hop.

-Yes, absolutely.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Lots of shiny things

and rather less illustrious attitudes towards women, it seems.

The worst scenario we can posit is that he in some way inserted

it without asking permission of a lady.

That's possible, we all know about Mars bars and Marianne Faithfull.

So, there is a history in popular music of recto-vaginal insertion.

LAUGHTER

And finally, guest team captain Davina,

who turned up with a little surprise for our host.

-I feel that maybe our team has had enough...

-OK, all right.

Enough abuse, and we feel and I feel...

-Why is it when you're single...?

-..the need to maybe turn the tables on you

for a change and potentially show something a little bit embarrassing about you.

-Shall we have a look at that?

-No!

-Yes, let's have a look.

Simon next, Simon...

Darlings, possums or should I say Good Morning viewers.

Now I've been watching Good Morning for a long time now

and you know, my favourite bit, possums, my favourite bit, darlings,

is when Anne and Nick get together cheek-to-cheek

and they love each other darlings, don't they?

And there they are talking about a touch of love.

It's just so romantic, possums. Urgh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks, Davina.

# American Boy

# Take me on a trip I'd like to go...#

2008 saw history in the making as Barack Obama was voted into the White House.

And back in the UK, the BBC sought the opinion of the one man

truly qualified to speak on the subject.

Dizzee Rascal, I mean,

specifically could you see this happening in Britain?

Yeah, in time.

-You're rather positive.

-Yeah, man, why not, man?

First time for everything. Everything just takes time, man.

If you believe you can achieve, innit?

Why don't you run for office?

See, that's a very good idea, I might have to do that one day.

Still, Dizzee Rascal for Prime Minister, yeah? What's happening?

Hey, Smithster!

The year saw Gavin & Stacey at the peak of its popularity,

with the show scooping awards across the board.

Smith?

-Hi, Matt Horne.

-Hi.

Matt Horne, if you don't know, is from the multi-award winning Gavin & Stacey.

-How many awards did it win at the Comedy Awards?

-Three.

Three are very, very good.

-Now, how many of those were for you personally.

-None.

-Ah.

Matt Horne as you probably know is famous for doing a straight

face and a slight sigh after Catherine Tate sketches. Er...

No, it's sort of a despondent look that I've copied from Martin.

Oh, go on.

That's basically it. Martin's the master.

Martin, why don't you show us your one?

LAUGHTER

I have an idea, what if you were both in a sitcom together?

Just sighing at each other.

You start, Matt. Go on.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# Should I give up...? #

2008 saw Adele pick up the Critics' Choice Award at the BRITs

as her debut album 19 went four times platinum.

Buzzcocks was quick to get its hands on this exciting new talent

and she soon showed us why she'd become one of the greatest voices of a generation.

# Eh-eh, eh-eh-eh-eh

# Eh-eh, eh-eh Eh-eh-eh-eh

-# Dirty dog, dirty dog

-Eh-eh, eh-eh-eh-eh.

# Eh-eh, eh-eh-eh-eh. #

What's happened to your lovely voice, Adele?

-That's how it goes.

-Come on, no...

-You don't know what it is.

-We can't do it.

-You, it seems, don't really sing in real life.

LAUGHTER

-What happened?

-You're like that Chinese kid at the Olympics...

-I can't pretend I'm an instrument.

-Who's the real Adele?

-I don't know, who do you think?

-Is it the same guy who did Milli Vanilli?

LAUGHTER

# Doo-doo-doo-doo Woo-woo-woo-woo... #

That's a bit racist.

# Dun-dun-dun-der-re-re-re-row

# Dun-dun-der-re-re-re-row

# Dun-dun-der-re-re-re-row. #

I do know it. I know the band.

-Who is it?

-Girls Aloud?

-Yes.

I don't know the song. It's really pretty though, isn't it?

As the case is often with songs,

Mark Ronson has made that song better than it could ever be.

# I can't speak French, so I let the funky music...#

Yes, the answer was Girls Aloud, who prove that you don't need to

speak French to have one of the hits of the year.

# So I let the funky music do the talking, oh, oh, oh. #

# I kissed a girl and I liked it... #

2008 also witnessed Katy Perry kiss a girl

and get her first taste of number one success.

# I kissed a girl, just to try it

# I hope my boyfriend don't mind it. #

# You've got me begging you for mercy... #

And chart sensation Duffy denied being a novelty, retro act.

Although, to be fair, Motown had only just arrived in Wales.

Anyway, back to Adele to hear her thoughts

on one of her main pop rivals.

Tell us who you hate most out of Lily Allen, Kate Nash and Duffy?

-Lily Allen, Kate Nash and Duffy?

-Mm.

-Erm...

Why do you hate Duffy so much? Why is it? Is it you don't trust her?

I don't hate Duffy but I'm Welsh as well

and I wish people would know that.

And also you feel in interviews she comes across as a bit fake, yeah?

-Why are you doing this?

-You think, what?

-You think she's older than she's saying she is?

-No, no, no.

A lying bitch?

-I love Lily Allen.

-You like Lily Allen?

-I love Lily Allen.

Yeah, but you hate Duffy, now why would you hate Duffy so much?

LAUGHTER

-Mark Ronson, you've done so well and well done.

-Thanks.

Not in the show, I mean in your life. You've done really well, no?

APPLAUSE

And then, that sister of yours,

all she had to do was get off with Lindsay Lohan

and now she's more famous than you could ever be!

LAUGHTER

-Are you pissed off?

-I think Lindsay Lohan is a really talented actress.

What?

LAUGHTER

I think she's lovely but she's not an actress.

Adele, how can you have a go at Sam Ronson's girlfriend like this?

I like her but she's not an actress. I like her.

But you know her career is "actress"?

And singing, and she has a leggings company.

A leggings company?! Well, we all love her leggings!

-That's true.

-How do you feel about this, Mark?

Do you think you'll work with Adele again after this?

I'm going to be in a lot of trouble when this comes out.

I like Lindsay and I think her and Sam are great.

If you found out Duffy was bisexual, would you hate her even more?

I don't hate her anyway, you do! Ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

I'm really enjoying you now, Adele. You've turned into my Aunt Sybil.

# When I grow up I wanna be famous... #

Over the years, Buzzcocks has attracted guests from all over the world.

And 2008 saw a deluge of A-listers from across the Atlantic.

First up, bespectacled, meat-dodging megastar, Moby.

-Moby, I looked on the internet.

-Oh, I don't like where this is going.

-Why not?

-This is going to end wrong.

I looked on the internet and for someone so successful,

I was surprised to see a lot of bitterness towards Moby, a lot of player-haters.

-Oh, people hate me.

-Now why is that?

I have no idea. I think it's because I'm annoying.

LAUGHTER

Like, something about me inspires great antipathy

-and wrath in other people.

-Yeah, I think people hate you and don't know why.

In the same way that people love Dale Winton

and it's a mystery why, what he's done!

I have the hair of a 1970s Lego man. It doesn't move or anything.

-It's just...

-Can I say something?

So, imagine we were doing this show and one of us, say, had no legs.

And you were complaining about, say, your trousers.

So, the person with no legs would be sitting over here, like,

"I'm sorry you have bad trousers..."

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

You understand. You're complaining about your hair.

God hates me and stole my hair.

By the way, we have been asked to do a best of compilation show

for next week and I don't know if we've got anything suitable.

So I thought what we could do is we could create some moments

tonight that look like they would be suitable for a "best of".

If you could put that you could put that on, Moby, and do a funny face.

-I got it.

-And then a little dance or something?

-A little dance? What sort of a dance? Here?

-Like a little...

-Stand up here?

-There you go.

CHEERING

Yep, that's the sort of thing we needed, yep.

Next big US star of '08, former Destiny's Child songstress Kelly Rowland.

What about Kelly Rowland as a guest on the show tonight?

-An actual, bloody celebrity!

-I know!

-It's all I've ever wanted.

-You are famous.

-No, no, no.

I heard the ratings here are very high, that makes you famous.

Oh, that's what they told you to get you here?

No, they said this guy is really funny. He may take the...

-Is it take the piss at you?

-Oh, I've never done that.

Or is it taking the piss?

APPLAUSE

-They said you were really cool.

-Oh, that's good. Good.

-Overall, you know.

-So go on, so Beyonce, what happened to her?

-She is back in New York City.

-Why, can I ask?

-What?

I don't want to cause a rift between you,

but why isn't she here supporting you?

She knows how important quizzes are to you, right?

Next time she's on Mock The Week, mm-mm-mm!

You're looking very nipply, Kelly.

LAUGHTER

-You too, Phill, you too. Lovely.

-Thank you.

Nothing wrong with nipples. Stop judging the nipples!

Go ahead, let's sing some songs.

# Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-baaaaaa!

-# Ba-da-bam

-Be-be-be-be-be-be

-# Ba-da-bam

-Be-be-be-be-be

-# Ba-da-bam

-Be-be-be-be-be-be. #

-OK, you have to get it by now!

-Kelly, I feel you're not giving enough.

If you do this well, you could launch yourself as a solo artist.

This British humour, I'm still getting used to.

And completing the American trilogy, Michael Ball wannabe, Josh Groban.

-# Bm-tsh, bm-tsh

-Niaw-niaw-niaw-niaw, yeah!

# Niaw-niaw-niaw-niaw-niaw

# Niaw-niaw-niaw-niaw-niaw

# Niaw-niaw-niaw-niaw-niaw!

# Dugu-dugu-dugu-dugu-dugu! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

First of all, I'd like to say what a brilliant rendition that was.

-That was absolutely fantastic.

-Thank you.

It was so good I am little bit embarrassed now,

-I don't know what it was.

-Do you want it again?

-Don't we all?

-Let's have it again.

-Would you like it done in a different way?

Please, reggae.

LAUGHTER

Reggae from Josh Groban and Omid.

# Du-du-du-ts-ts

# Du-du-du-ts-ts

# Du-du-du-du-du-du, man!

# Du-du-du-du-du-du... #

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

# Du-du-du-du

# Du-nu-nu

# Du-nu-nu, du-nu-nu

# Du-nu-nu-nu-nu!

# Du-du-du Pasta joint! #

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Can we just carry on in different styles?

What other genres can you do, Josh?

-We could do a calypso-jazz scat version? MARTIN:

-Please.

# Ba-pa-ts ba-pa-ts

# Ga-ga-ga-ga-goo-goo Ga-ga-ga-ga-goo-goo

# Squee-da-ba Dwee-da-ba-doo-doo

# Da-da-da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da-da-da

# Scoobady-scoobady-scooooooo! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm afraid I really don't know, and it was brilliant

-and I still don't know.

-I'm going to have to tell you what it was.

It was The Libertines with Don't Look Back Into The Sun.

All I'm asking is that you look into camera five now

and say to sons thinking about buying their mothers Josh Groban albums,

say, "Don't do it, just talk to your mother

"and let her know that you're a good person too."

Sons and daughters of England...

..I urge you not to purchase my record.

Do something nice, make a card, buy a puppy for her.

LAUGHTER

Chocolates. There are really so many things that you can do

to make your mother happy than buy a Josh Groban CD.

So please, from Josh Groban, stay away.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Only a handful of people can be considered Buzzcocks royalty.

The most recent addition to the family is Noel Fielding,

a team captain who possessed a meandering mind,

a winning smile and a truly unique fashion sense.

I'm just looking forward to showing off my cape.

I look like your mad auntie.

I look like I should be riding ET around in a basket.

Never in my life have I looked more like a paedophile.

LAUGHTER

Here are five fascinating facts about Noel.

One, he isn't afraid to seek answers to some of life's big questions.

A metal detector is made out of metal. That's always confused me.

-Good point.

-They just detect themselves?

Yeah, they just beep, they're constantly beeping.

-MIMICS MACHINE BEEPING

-"Me again.

"That was me, sorry!

"I can't help it, I'm mainly metal."

Two, Noel can give as good as he gets.

Is there anything you banned from the Boosh tour? Jokes or...?

LAUGHTER

Catchphrases.

LAUGHTER

Three, Noel's got a hidden talent up his sleeve.

We could actually do an act where you are my ventriloquist dummy.

Come on, sit here.

OK.

You've got to speak, you fucking idiot!

Oh, I thought you were a genuine ventriloquist. I see!

Where do you think my hand is?

What you're saying is, I just speak and you just sit there.

Well, that's the benefit of having a real person

instead of having a puppet. Right, after three...

I don't think it's number five.

She doesn't seem very interested in the proceedings

and she was just looking away into the distance.

Thinking about a former lover from many years ago.

Four, showbiz anecdotes, Noel's got a few.

This is a true story, I'm going to namedrop like an idiot now,

but Bono actually rang me up once, right?

I don't know how he got my number, and I stupidly,

obviously thought it was one of my mates mucking about.

So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." I went... And basically, it was him.

I went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent, you dick!"

LAUGHTER

And five, Noel has a secret identity.

I'm Mouse-cat.

Mouse-cat, he chases himself!

LAUGHTER

Mouse-cat, he's awkward in social situations.

Mouse-cat, he's looking at stuff and saying it aloud.

Looking up there and he noticed he's stopped,

there goes a red bus just driving by and a load went off at the same time.

Here comes Mouse-cat, he's got his dungarees on, they're his favourite ones,

not his work ones, the ones he wears out for social occasions.

How come when men do the washing up, they always leave one

thing at the end? Just noticing stuff, Mouse-cat.

Noticing stuff from his own life, Mouse-cat.

-His life's like...

-One!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# One love, for the mother's pride

# One love... #

After sales of over 30 million records worldwide,

boyband Blue sadly split in 2005.

But by 2008, things were starting to look up.

Simon Webb finally succeeded in begging ITV bosses,

"I'm a celebrity, get me into I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!"

-Ahhh, you

-BLEEP!

-Did it get you?

While Duncan James was adding reading

and looking to his already impressive skillset.

We have news of another lucky "Locko" winner.

# I fought my heart, girl... #

But it was Antony and Lee who really hit the big-time in '08 as both

made unforgettable appearances on Buzzcocks.

Let's start with the thinking man's Dane Bowers,

and Simon Amstell's personal favourite, Antony Costa.

-Antony, it is lovely to have you here.

-Thanks, Si.

-I'm a big fan of Blue.

-No, you're not.

I tried my best, I had a good go there.

I think tonight it'll be good to set the record straight

-on Antony's part in the band...

-Yes.

It was generally assumed in the past that Lee and Simon were the talent

and Duncan was quite good-looking, and Antony had a PlayStation.

LAUGHTER

-You're my favourite.

-No, I'm not.

It was always Lee, Si.

No, I don't think I liked any of you.

-LAUGHTER

-Exactly!

No, no, no.

MUSIC: "Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours" by Blue, ft Stevie Wonder

# Here I am, baby! #

It looks like he's thinking, "These extras are getting a bit close."

I can imagine Stevie was thinking, "I've always liked this song

"but there's always been something missing.

"A boyband pretending to be my friend, I think is what..."

LAUGHTER

So he liked the music of Blue, why wouldn't he? Of course he did.

-Like a sort of a guide band.

-Yeah.

I'm sure he must get sick of people coming up to him

and saying, "Didn't you do that song with Blue?"

LAUGHTER

"Are you that bloke out of Blue?"

LAUGHTER

By the way, I have some news.

Antony Costa...

is doing a UK tour this year.

I've got the press release.

"An evening with Antony Costa will include

"songs from Blue, Blood Brothers and a medley of '60s Motown.

"The show will also include..." This is the exciting bit.

"..a question and answer session from the audience."

It's now time for Q and A, with Antony Costa.

Has anyone on the panel got any questions for Antony?

-I've got one, Simon. Antony, what's your favourite cheese?

-Brie.

-Thank you, Antony.

-OK, that's the end of Q and A with Antony Costa.

LAUGHTER

-You're so out of order.

-What do you mean, out of order?

-You are.

I just promoted your fucking tour!

Fair play, fair play.

# If it's wrong to do what's right

# I'm prepared to testify... #

Next up, Blue's answer to Martin Luther King.

The band's inspirational leader and spokesman, Mr Lee Ryan.

-It's all about the look, isn't it?

-Yeah, right.

-Teach me...

-Start with the point.

-Right.

You've got to do it with the down look, and then point.

-You look down, then up, and then point?

-Do it, do it.

LAUGHTER

-Lee, you're holding back on us.

-I'm not.

Are you trying to tell me that you're not the man who gave us this?

HE MIMES TO BACKING TRACK # Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! #

Do the point, do the point!

Oh, you missed the "YEAH!"

Am I right in thinking all the Blue boys have had babies?

-You're the last one to have a baby?

-Mm-hm.

And they all left the mothers of their children, right?

LAUGHTER

You're staying with yours though, right?

Oi, oi, oi, watch it, I'll slap ya!

Don't, slap the others for leaving those mothers!

Lee, Blue haven't ruled out a reunion, have they?

Er, I'm under contract not to say anything.

You're not under contract to do anything.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I love you.

-We can't rule out a Blue reunion tonight?

-Tonight?

No, I'm doing other stuff. I've got plenty of other things.

Course, would Duncan do it?

Or is he too busy oranging up his face for ITV?

What a vain, preening little shit he is, no?

You know Lee is now an actor, of course.

LAUGHTER

-The latest film is called The Heavy.

-The Heavy, yeah.

-When's it coming out?

-It's coming out in the first quarter of the year.

You're being quite vague about the date, but it will definitely come out?

LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah.

It's going to come out. Eventually.

And in an actual...

-In a cinema?

-Yeah, in a cinema.

Let's just be clear to people, we don't want people to be disappointed if they go to the cinema.

Is it just going to be on DVD?

LAUGHTER

-DVD's fine.

-Even if it's just on the TV, it's still a film.

Or even if, worst case scenario,

you go around to the director's house and you all watch it together with popcorn. It's still...

You've still made a film and you've still had the camera on you!

It's a wonderful achievement, and now Lee has made a film

specifically for the internet, and we're very pleased.

We're very pleased. It's definitely a film and it's not...

It's not a text message, is it?

So that's that. 2008 on a Buzzcocks plate,

and there's just time to wrap things up with a quick game of What Is My Name?

They call her Kate Nash,

that's Germaine Greer,

Hollywood's Dominic Cooper and TV's Matthew Wright.

They call him Grimmy, The Klaxons' Jamie Reynolds,

comedian David O'Doherty and Skins star Mitch Hewer.

They call him funny man, Tony Law, Feeder's Grant Nicholas,

Mette Lindberg from The Asteroids Galaxy Tour, and that was Mouse-cat.

They call me Alex James. That was 2008, What A Load Of Buzzcocks.

# Yo-o-ou

# Your sex is on fire

# Consumed

# With what's to transpire... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd