Countdown Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

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# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to

# The past? #

I don't think the church is big enough, we've had so many yesses.

We invited 150, but we banked on several not coming.

I hoped some in particular would say no - your father's clan in Stoke-on-Trent.

The Lawsons are coming from Exeter.

I don't mind them! She's nice.

He's fine now his asthma's gone, but that lot from Stoke...

Didn't they win the pools?

Money doesn't buy breeding, Bob.

They don't know how to live in a decent house. They use their lavatory seats as picture frames.

TERRY LAUGHS HEARTILY

I don't know who we're going to seat THEM next to.

Oh... No, of course, HE has to sit at the top table, being best man.

-Taking care of the bridesmaid. Will you take care of me?

-Certainly.

We should've used St Andrew's!

-Certainly not! No daughter of mine is marrying in a church that isn't C of E!

-I don't see the difference!

I mean, there are many roads to God.

There may be many roads, but the Church of England is the M1, so to speak.

So pedestrians, learners and people in invalid cars will never get to heaven!

-Is he being rude?

-Come on, Mum, it WAS witty.

-"But some fell on stony ground."

-I hope his speech will be funnier!

-I'm not making a speech!

-What? Of course he is. It's expected.

However badly he does it.

You have to toast the bridesmaids and read the telegrams.

I will, but I'm not making a speech.

-But it's expected!

-Sorry.

-The best man always makes a speech!

-I can't be made to make a speech.

-But you'll make such a GOOD one!

-Pardon?

It'll be the highlight of the day!

-Will it?

-It IS expected. And you ARE responding on my behalf.

Am I?

Well, perhaps...just this once.

-We're only getting married this once, hopefully!

-I won't do all this again.

All this what, Robert?

-All this...fuss.

-This fuss, as you term it, is for your benefit.

The bride's parents take charge of all this fuss, AND the expense involved.

I want this day to be the most joyful, the happiest, my daughter's ever had.

If it isn't, somebody will suffer!

Why is this joyful day making us bad-tempered?

-I'm not bad-tempered.

-You've been bad-tempered all week.

-I have not!

Dearest.

I'm perfectly happy to do anything you or your mother demand...

er, suggest.

There's so much to do! How will I do it? The dressmaker's due in ten minutes, and the caterer at twelve.

OOH! We must do the pages' outfits!

-Pages?!

-Thelma's nephews, Dean and Kirk.

-It's Royal Stuart with silk ruffles.

-Isn't that a bit Presbyterian?

Is he being rude?

Actually, Mum, I worry about those two.

Young Dean's such a...well...

-Evil?

-Yes, he's an evil child.

I blame her. She lets him run riot.

-He mustn't run riot at my wedding!

-That's Terry's responsibility.

-Eh?!

-Listen.

"In any disturbance, the best man will pour oil on troubled waters,

"pacifying the parties concerned, with persuasive, polite...tact."

-What does all that mean?

-If Dean gives you stick, kick him up the kilt!

I don't know where you get these coarse expressions. Oh - perhaps I do.

DOORBELL RINGS

-The dressmaker's early!

-Good gracious, get rid of that coffee. There's so much to do!

And you boys can't sit here all morning daydreaming.

-You have to pick up your suits, haven't you?

-Yes, yes!

-And see to the taxis.

-It's in hand.

Don't forget the flowers. What have you got to do?

-Bridesmaids' and bride's bouquets, buttonholes.

-Right.

And ring the vicar about the choir and the bell-ringers...

and the use of his organ.

Hell's teeth! Yes, sir, no, sir, three bags full, sir!

-Have you no say?

-What can you do, man?

You must draw the line somewhere! Be firm!

-Like you were with Susan? "I'm not making a speech!"

-I didn't want to offend her.

-I don't want to offend Thelma.

-But she's gonna be your wife!

Look, man, it's their big day. You know what women feel about weddings.

I know, but it's getting heavy. I'm amazed it's not in Durham Cathedral with the Dagenham Girl Pipers.

They ought to cancel World Of Sport and televise your marriage instead!

According to that book,

the best man gives comfort and advice.

I advise calling the whole thing off.

It's too late. We had to pay the caterers in advance.

What ARE my functions? Let's have a look.

Ah, dear...

Get you to the church on time... Stand by you during the ceremony...

Settle the account in the vestry?!

-Only if the bridegroom forgets, but YOU tip the verger.

-The verger?!

Is he tipped at every wedding? With christenings and funerals, he must take home more than the Archbishop!

I just wish you'd take it seriously.

That book says the best man is the hub around which the wedding revolves.

It says I should find someone both gay and reliable.

I won't let you down, sailor!

I wonder!

I know you were in the army, but I want no vulgarity in the House of God - it's not a parade ground.

Friends of the bride! Step forward! Wait for it! Kneel, two, three! Pray, two, three!

-USHERS look after the congregation.

-Who are the ushers?

Thelma's cousin, who you don't know, Podge Rowley...and John Gibson.

-Not Big John?!

-Aye, well, he IS a distant relative.

I hope he's off the bottle! I don't want him drunk in charge of a pew!

I'm told he sticks to beer nowadays.

Yeah, well, I'll hang on to this and swot it up.

-What's this?

-Something Thelma's mother gave us. It's...er...a medical thing.

Oh, aye? Good, good! Where are the dirty bits, then, eh? Here we are.

"And so to bed, and the adventure of sleeping together for the rest of your lives."

My God, what a boring thought! What else?

"Will I make a good lover? Will I satisfy her?

"Will it hurt?"

Well, it will if she keeps those boots on!

"What will she think of my body?"

Does she know about your knees?

I've nothing to learn from that chapter, thank you!

It's useful for other things... like shopping, and storage units, and household hints.

I see that. They've a funny sense of priority, these family planners.

Three pages on sex problems, and a whole chapter on floor coverings!

I've nothing to learn from that chapter.

It also says here, "Try to make sure that the bedroom is nice and warm,

"and that the bed doesn't creak.

-"There's nothing wrong with a sofa for a change."

-It doesn't say that!

-Darling!

-Get off!

-Darling, relax, sit back! The washing-up can wait!

-Just close your eyes and think of England.

-Get off, you silly bean!

Is he being rude?

-The trousers are the wrong size.

-Aye, mine an' all.

-Suspicious, that.

-How do you mean, suspicious?

-The way he takes so long over the trousers.

-He's taking care.

So should we, mate!

I didn't like the way he lingered over my inside leg measurement.

You're so thin - he was probably wondering if you had a leg in there.

Better luck this time! Let's see...

I'll manage, thank you, I'll manage.

-Your friend seems...ill at ease.

-Just nerves, I expect.

Oh, I see. You're bound to, really, before the big day.

-How do those seem?

-Fine, fine.

-Not too tight round the...?

-Certainly not.

-If you're sure... When's the event?

-What?

-Your wedding.

-Oh, that. On Saturday.

-I hope it keeps fine for you.

-Why?

Well, surely a little sunshine must help.

-Are you worried we'll get the suits wet?

-No, sir, but on such a day the ladies will want fine weather.

Why? You won't have second thoughts just cos a cold front comes in from the Azores!

Put that way, yes, you're right, sir.

In fact, I was married in a blizzard.

-You're married, are you?

-Twelve years - three children.

As a matter of fact, these trousers are a bit loose here.

Oh, yes. Yes, I see, sir.

Yes...

-These are all right.

-Oh, good!

We have a waist problem here. I don't have a smaller size.

He IS a bit on the narrow side!

In shape, though.

He's so thin that his mum makes his bed without seeing he's still in it.

Should we get on?

I'll have another check, sir.

-Let's see your hat on.

-Get off, will yer?

You needn't wear it. You carry it with your prayer book and gloves in.

-Do you?

-Have you got gloves?

-I have mittens, but the thumbs stick out.

-No! Proper ones - thin, grey ones from here.

-Oh, what a bloody farce!

I'll look like an MC at the music hall!

You'll need a buttonhole. Have you got carnations?

Gloves, top hats, carnations - I'll never dare to go in the Black Horse again!

St Mark's doesn't get many tail suits.

It's mostly ill-fitting blue serge, with brown boots and heather sprigs.

-We'll add class, bring Belgravia to Station Road.

-It doesn't need Belgravia!

Station Road, mate, is quite happy

with honest-to-goodness, salt-of-the-earth serge.

-It's just a concession to your middle-class mother-in-law.

-No, it was my suggestion.

-Never!

It was her royal command! They're all the same, that lot, the middle classes!

-Especially when promoted from lower divisions.

-You're an inverted snob, you are!

We're hiring suits for an occasion. We'll only wear them for five hours. It's not a betrayal of your class!

-It's a betrayal of all I stand for!

-We're only trying on tail coats!

We're not taking elocution lessons, or doing the lancers.

We won't have 1,000 guests dancing to Ed Mundo's Society Serenaders.

You're still trying to be what you're not, wasting money on social aspirations.

There's a million unemployed in this country - eight per cent in this area, including me!

-I'll pay for the suits.

-It's not the point!

It's the principle of what we're fighting for. Equality! A decent wage for a job well done!

A fair crack of the whip, a slice of the cake! A chance to hold your head high and bring kids up decent!

Take away a man's work, and you take away his pride!

You saw Panorama last night, didn't you?

-Pardon?

-Didn't you?

-Well, so what? I never miss it.

I am interested, mate, in the issues of today - in social injustices,

in industrial rationalisation, and...the re-deployment of labour.

Quote, quote! You saw Panorama cos the alternative was I Was A Teenage Werewolf, which you've seen before!

What would you know? Eh? Eh?

How can you possibly understand? You're marrying a Tory, and joining a squash club!

So now you've a social conscience!

The thoughts of Chairman Collier! After all those years of being an uncompromising "don't know"!

What do you mean? I have always been solid Labour!

You've always been a "don't know"! Your family has been for centuries!

They probably tossed a coin for Roundheads or Cavaliers!

-Listen...

-I'll put a tuck in. Your gloves, sir.

-The hat's too big.

-Don't wear the hat, sir. Carry it like that, with gloves and prayer book inside.

There! The bride will be very proud!

-She can't stand the sight of me.

-Perhaps she'll...grow to love you.

-Strange thing to say!

-He was married in a blizzard.

Oh, I see! Well, I'll settle up.

TERRY SIGHS

-Do you feel as daft as I do?

-I'm not very comfortable.

-It's a load of cobblers.

-Women like it.

-Some women more than others.

-Are you the groom?

-No, thank God - best man.

His in-laws want this rubbish. You know the type - come from nothing to a posh semi with a monkey tree.

-She thinks she's the Jackie Onassis of Tudor Estate.

-Do you have a pen?

Hello, George! Terry, this is Thelma's dad, Mr Chambers.

Well, you see, I'm very comfortable. You know I'm a builder.

I did well in the post-war boom, survived a bad patch, and I'm doing all right now.

But I was a brickie before, and I still am at heart!

It's Thelma's mother what has all these fancy ideas.

-It's "luncheon", even if I only want crackers and pickled onions.

-Dear me.

We only take The Telegraph to impress the newsagent's wife! All airs and graces!

Aye, it's daft!

But it's harmless enough...mostly.

-I didn't mean any offence.

-None taken, lad.

I was just a bit upset at having to get all tarted up.

Me, too. I won't dare come here again.

-I said that!

-I heard it through the curtain.

It's just a uniform, isn't it? It's a suit for an occasion.

Like for riding, you wear jodhpurs, and for cricket you put flannels on.

For shooting, you wear a Norfolk jacket...

In Norfolk, anyway.

Well, explain that to my cousins from Stoke.

I'm making a detour to get to church. My taxi's going via the bypass.

-What for?!

-I'm not braving the High Street!

I can't pass the Ship, the Cross Keys, the Fat Ox, the Institute and billiard hall and not be spotted!

I'll get stick from my father, if he comes. There's no love lost between him and the missus.

Well, it's my duty as best man to pour oil on troubled waters.

-You might have to if he's on the hard stuff.

-Oh, aye?

It might not be such a bad wedding!

He's a canny old soul, my old man. An ex-pitman - chews shag tobacco, and leaves his hat on at t'table.

-Granddad was a pitman - went on the Jarrow march.

-But stopped at Durham.

He was never a well man.

Never a SOBER man - he and Wilf only marched till the pubs opened!

Poor Uncle Wilf - he's still on that dole queue today.

Your uncle AVOIDS work. He lives here BECAUSE of the unemployment.

He's unique at the Labour Exchange. He was given a long-service medal!

All I know...

-It's true!

-If my granddad caught me poncing about in this Ascot get-up, he'd turn in his grave.

He was cremated!

All right, then. He'd turn in his urn.

Gloria?

-Aye.

-More whiskies!

-Mr Chambers...

Put it away, lad, put it away. With what this wedding's costing me, a few whiskies won't matter!

I don't begrudge Bob and Thelma the cost.

I'd just prefer to spend the money on something for them, for their house...

-Like...er...

-Storage units?

-Aye, summat like that! Young couples need all the help they can get.

In a week, it'll all be over. Live and let live - that's my view.

It'll be over - champagne, confetti, speeches and all - and we can just get on with being married people.

-The adventure of sleeping together for the rest of your lives.

-Eh?

I...I was just quoting from the book, the official one - medical and that.

-Is that what it said?

-Aye.

I must have lost MY spirit of adventure!

Here you are, lads - doubles.

Of course, quite frankly... I mean, er, frankly speaking...

-I don't think young people SHOULD marry - I'm speaking frankly, you understand?

-I understand.

I've been through it all. My marriage failed.

-Ah...

-No, it wasn't all her fault.

These things happen, but I wouldn't want it to happen to Bob and your...lovely daughter, Thelma.

Yeah, well, you never know, do you?

The answer is living together. People should live together. That's what happens now.

It is according to my Sunday paper!

It seems to be the thing nowadays.

You see, marriage is an outdated institution.

Did you get that from Panorama, and all?

You can't live together, not here.

It's OK in London, or Paris, or Sunderland...

but not on Elm Lodge Housing Estate.

-Why not?

-Because you can't, that's all!

They have Rotary committees and clubs, and they'd call it living in sin, or co-habiting,

and they wouldn't ask you to their parties.

That's my point! It's another middle-class hang-up! Why care what people think?

On an estate, you live near others.

However sick you get of the chatter and Jimmy Young, you're part of it.

It's easier to join them than lick them.

-You won't get a mortgage otherwise.

-What a provincial attitude!

I live in the provinces! That explains my provincial attitude!

What would you prefer? An Albanian attitude? Or a Peruvian one?

Or Zulu? I'll live with five wives in a mud hut on the public bowling green!

They'd never stand for that!

Take the woman on Sycamore Avenue, living with an Indian.

Ostracised at the Co-op.

-It's just your small-town mentality, that's all.

-I've never seen you as a free-wheeling non-conformist!

What'll YOU do now? Live in a loft with a women's lib folk singer? Get a job before you criticise others!

I've lost five years, thanks to someone not a million miles away.

I'm top of the handicap. You all had a five-year start on me.

I just got a broken marriage, a bad leg and a tattoo on my left buttock.

-We're back to...!

-Steady, lads, steady! Come on!

Stab me! This wedding's caused enough rows - me and the missus, me and the relatives, now you two.

I should've bought you a ladder, Bob.

You could have eloped, and saved all this time and money.

Do you fancy that? There's a ladder at the yard that'd reach Thelma's window.

It's too late - the invites have been sent and the caterers paid.

Well, it was just a thought.

The economics don't worry me - it's the fuss and bother!

-It's like a royal gala that's got out of hand!

-I told Bob to draw the line somewhere.

I think he's right. I do. It's time we men made a stand, and got things into perspective.

-What can we do?

-Well, we can have a few more jars, just for a start, to confirm our convictions.

-And then - we will strike a blow for man's lib!

-How?

Well, we can't burn our bras...

But, for a start, we can take these bloody things back!

-Right!

-Right!

Right!

-THEY SLUR SPEECH:

-A token of solidarity!

-All for all, one for one!

-Is that right?

-It'll do, won't it?

-Power to the people!

-All for one!

-One for all! That's it!

-Where's Mr Inside-Leg gone?

CHOP, CHOP!

-Listen, Bob. No second thoughts now.

-This is merely the start, George.

I shall swap the Rolls for a Mini, halve the flowers, cancel the choir,

and the bell-ringer will be getting the elbow...BOI-OI-OI-OI-OING!

-And I will not tip the verger!

He won't take kindly to that!

Then I'll kick him up the cassock.

-Up the what?

-The cassock. Very painful.

-Hey, what's a cassock?

-It's a thing a verger wears.

-That's a hassock!

-NO! A hassock is what you kneel on!

-I thought it was a Russian horseman.

No, you fool! That's a Cossack!

-He played for Liverpool!

-That's Toshack!

BOTH: Bless you!

-They've been drinking! What are they up to? They've been drinking!

-No, love, no!

-Just a swift half.

-We just toasted the bride and groom.

-Aye.

-Why are you here, dearest?

To get the pages' outfits. Shouldn't you be at the florist's?

They've been drinking! Come on, what are you doing here?

-Fair question, love.

-Fair question.

-Why ARE we here?

-We...came to get our morning suits.

-We've just arrived.

-That were it!

-Morning suits!

-We've so much to do!

-What time does the florist close?

CHAMBERS: Woman's work is never done.

MEN(!)

That's right, a Rolls. One Rolls, and a Princess for the bridesmaids, and the Zephyr for the parents.

Yes. Thank you very much.

-HE SIGHS DEEPLY

-It's all too much. You were right.

Have I missed anything?

-Cars?

-Hired.

-Photographers?

-Contacted.

-Flowers?

-Arranged.

-Bell-ringers?

-Rung.

-Hymns?

-Booked.

-That's about it, then!

-Phew.

-Till Saturday.

-What happens then?

You get married on Saturday!

Oh, yes. I get married on Saturday.

After this, that'll be a piece of cake.

-Cake?

-Baked - arrives Friday.

Already paid for.

There's the choir and the vicar's organ, and I must tip the verger.

What does a choir cost?

Depends. If it's the Vienna State Choir, or the Huddersfield Choral Society, more than you can afford.

On the other hand, if you only aspire

to St Mark's Syncopated Six, it will cost...

Let's have a look. Here we are - choirs.

Boys, 40p. Men and women, 70p.

It was a shilling when I was in the choir!

-I can just see you in your surplice and Toshack!

-I had a fine little voice.

I'll use that in my speech. There's a bit here about the speeches.

It says, "It is a good idea for the best man's speech to give intimate details of the groom's childhood."

Don't mention Deirdre Birchwood. We've got enough hang-ups as it is!

Never mind! By next week, you'll have begun the great adventure!

I'll be too tired to think of sex!

Spend the week laying floor coverings.

Or putting in your storage units.

-Marriage is more than storage units.

-I told you that.

And I should have listened. I should have eloped.

Never mind. The women like it. Think of it that way.

-Hello.

-Hello, pet.

-How's it going?

-Everything's under control.

We're getting through it all.

-Really exciting, isn't it?(!)

-Do you really think so?

It's driving me out of my mind.

My hairdresser's gone on holiday, and Denny has never done mine before.

The dressmaker can't guarantee Susan's alterations,

Mother's driving me up the wall, and Dean set fire to his kilt!

Don't get upset, pet. Come on, now. Pull yourself together. Don't get upset.

It'll be all right on the night!

On the day!

Why didn't you ask me to elope? Why didn't we live together? We should have done.

Marriage is an outdated institution.

So Claire Bloom says. So everybody says.

Thelma!

Don't just sit there! You're the best man! You've read the book!

In moments of crisis, you should give comfort and advice.

I'll go and get that ladder!

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be? #

Intelfax Subtitles by Julia Watts for BBC Subtitling, 1995