Boys' Night In Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to...

# The past? #

CLEARS THROAT

My wife and I... I must get used to saying that!

LAUGHS FALSELY

My wife and I wish to thank you all for coming today,

and especially Mr and Mrs Chambers for laying on this wonderful do.

And to Thelma's Uncle Norman, a special thanks for his kind words.

I don't know how to follow a funny speech like that, so I won't try.

Rats!

Oh, yes.

Thank you...

for the lovely presents.

Luckily Thelma and I like toast we now have a toast rack for every day of the week.

(That'll get a laugh at the wedding.)

Seriously, we've had some lovely presents...

-haven't we, darling?

-DOORBELL RINGS

Thelma's Uncle Norman has known Thelma since she was so high.

I myself have known her... since...she...was...

..not much higher.

In fact, since Park Junior School, Form 4B, on that fateful summer day when her desk was put next to mine.

So you can see that the...affair has hardly been a whirlwind romance.

No, no!

Rather, it has been a...

..a...

Long, boring affair of no interest to anybody but the pair of you.

..an affair which, as the song says, "grows better every day, and stronger in every way."

-God preserve us!

-Hey, listen, listen...

Luckily Thelma and I like toast we now have a toast rack for every day of the week!

-Well?

-Won't that get a laugh at the wedding?

Hardly. Don't try to be funny, Bob. You're terrible at telling jokes.

Say what you like tonight. Nothing will get up my nose.

I'm above it all, on a different plane. It's just mind over matter.

Tranquillity comes from discipline, plus four sleeping pills and six tranquillisers.

No?! You'll sleep through the honeymoon!

And some travel pills and an Iron Jelloid.

-Iron Jelloid?!

-That was a mistake. I hope it won't clash.

You'll become a drug addict overnight! Poor Thelma thinks she's marrying a man with prospects.

What a shock tomorrow night!

She'll lie there in her new nightie, and you'll be writhing on the floor,

having the cold turkey, foaming at the mouth, pulling at your hair, yelling "Where's my Iron Jelloid?"

The pills haven't made me tired at all, but I do feel tranquil very tranquil and calm and relaxed.

I can't find the ring.

WHAT?! YOU IDIOT! I KNEW IT!

Calm down! I'm just testing your discipline and control.

Don't joke about it! You could've damaged my metabolism.

The only way to unwind is to get some bevvies in you. Get your coat. The lads are down the Black Horse.

-What lads?

-All of them Sid, Steve, John, Tony, Big Dave...everybody.

Well, they can stay there. I told you I wasn't going out.

That's why I asked you round just us two.

I know, I know. It's my little surprise I arranged it behind your back.

Thank you very much, but I've got my packing to do.

-But it's your stag night!

-I don't want a stag not in the traditional sense.

What IS the traditional sense?

All that last-minute, desperate drunkenness.

What's wrong with last-minute, desperate drunkenness? That's a proper stag party. God in heaven!

Now it's an evening in for two, instead of a booze-up and punch-up.

I won't go near a pub.

You'll sit here in the lotus position, a drugged zombie with your cocoa.

People nowadays don't have night-before rave-ups, and I won't either.

You should feel ashamed, breaking tradition like this.

Stag parties SHOULD be drunken dos, the night before.

It gives the wedding some drama no-one's sure the groom'll make it.

I've every intention of making it, so I'm staying in and staying sober.

You'll be ticking away the hours to blast-off. It'll be agony.

Blast-off?! I'm not going into lunar orbit!

I'm getting married in the morning, and I want to turn up looking good,

and refreshed, and respectable, and a credit to my bride.

If I go out with you, I'll end up in a police cell or casualty ward,

or handcuffed to a North Sea oil rig.

-What will the lads think?

-Whatever they like.

You'll never look them in the eyes again.

If we go out I'll never look at ANYONE again.

Bob, please, think! I appeal to you!

Think of the stags of the past,

the lads whose memory you're letting down

Bob Shearer at the wrong church,

Tony Charles vomiting in the vestry, and John Webb and the stomach pump.

Was that in vain?

More fool them! I told you how I'd spend my stag night.

Drinking after the tranquillisers could be dangerous.

Sometimes you must live dangerously.

If you always worry about tomorrow you won't eat for fear of a sore stomach,

or drink for fear of a sore head or make love for fear of a sore...back.

You have to live for now, for today.

Keep some spontaneity about life,

some adventure and excitement I'm right, aren't I?

So what are we going to do?

Have some tea and a game of Ludo.

All packed, all done!

-No last-minute panic, no last-minute rush.

-You'd make a wonderful road manager.

I feel happier in my mind knowing that it's all done and I'm packed.

Should we head for the church now, to avoid last-minute panic, and get ourselves a good pew?

Let me see passport, ticket, travellers' cheques.

I need sterling for the airport but that can come from my Ludo winnings.

-You'll get your money!

-Any time, Terry, before tomorrow teatime.

-Stupid game, Ludo it's just luck.

-What were you doing while I packed?

-Improving your Ludo?

-I was burning with anticipation, waiting for the epilogue in the shipping forecast.

-Cocoa?

-I'll cocoa you before this night's over!

-Read this.

-What is it?

-Our honeymoon holiday brochure.

I prefer solo Ludo, thanks very much!

I've always wanted to ski, and Norway's so handy!

Tomorrow night we'll be in our chalet. I'll think I'll cope. We've done the exercises.

You've done what?!

You've done pre-marital exercises?!

For skiing!

For poise and balance and suppleness.

It'll end in tears, this honeymoon.

Once your poise goes, you'll lose your balance and topple off.

You should see this hotel.

"We serve an international cuisine.

"We have a sauna and beauty parlour,

"and in the Troll Bar, guests can relax with an apres-ski cocktail."

-What's "apres-ski"?

-After ski, after the skiing!

After skiing, you'll be relaxing with a leg in plaster to the thigh.

"For late-night revellers, the Viking Disco will play the latest grooves till dawn."

But not for limbless ex-skiers!

You're bound to break something a leg, or a collarbone or get flu, or frostbite.

-How can I get frostbite?

-Easily! You're going to Norway. You get frostbite in places like that.

Fancy getting frostbite on your honeymoon!

It attacks extremities, you know.

It's a skiing holiday, not a polar expedition!

That brochure only shows the centrally-heated indoors.

They don't mention the glaciers and the avalanches, and the man-eating wolves!

Where do you get all this from? "Biggles In The Arctic"?

A honeymoon's a fairly important occasion.

It's SUPPOSED to be the first time you embark on sleeping together.

Why take unnecessary risks?

You'll spend it mostly in bed anyway. Go to Edinburgh and be safe. You won't get eaten by a wolf there.

-I won't get eaten by a wolf anyway!

-Well, don't blame me if you are.

Just remember that if you do break something, whatever it may be,

while you're stuck in a wheelchair in the Troll Bar with an apres-ski,

a six-foot, blond ski instructor will have your Thelma on the slopes!

Look, I don't have doubts about Thelma's faithfulness.

She won't be flashing signals at every Tom, Dick and Sven every time my back is broken.

I mean turned. What sort of girl do you think she is?

It's got nothing to do with her, Bob...nothing whatsoever.

It happens to English girls when they're overseas.

It happens all the time, all the time, to all sorts, even staunch Methodist girls.

Even Cousin Olive, the postmistress, is now married to a Maltese chippy.

-Thelma's a librarian!

-That's the sort!

Did you see The News Of The World's expose on English girls abroad?

"Wild and willing", they call 'em.

Once across the Channel, they drop it all

reserves, morals, and knickers.

Only in unguarded moments on sun-soaked beaches do they let passion rule discretion.

-You DID read the News Of The World!

-Yes, but they didn't mention Norway.

One snowy slope is very much like another,

as is one blond ski instructor, or one dark-haired DJ.

-They're the same breed.

-What WOULD I do in a situation like that? What WOULD I do if I broke a leg?

-Only one thing.

-What?

Break Thelma's leg.

Sweet dreams!

Thought you'd be fast asleep by now.

-The pills don't work. Perhaps I'll read a bit.

-We shouldn't have played Ludo.

All that tense excitement got your adrenalin going.

I'll re-write my speech. That joke about the parrot... Did that make you laugh?

-It was the best bit of the evening.

-And the toast-rack bit? I might take that out.

I don't want to be too controversial. Oh!

-What's wrong?

-I thought for a moment...

I felt a yawn coming on.

How about another cup of cocoa?

No, perhaps you've had one too many already. We'd better not chance it.

Oh, shut up. Get into bed. Get some sleep.

Do I have to sleep with you? Why can't I be in the spare?

With Aunt Beattie? There'd be talk!

Give us room, then.

-Move your feet!

-There's a warm bit there!

Howay!

-Thelma wouldn't approve.

-She'd not believe the night we had!

-I can't either.

You know, I don't think it was a yawn.

-I think it was just wind.

-Now you tell me!

I might take a different pill. There were some pretty yellow ones with hundreds and thousands inside.

-Where?!

-In my mother's medicine cabinet.

You can't go rummaging in there, picking things out at random just cos they're pretty!

Look, just close your eyes...close your eyes and think of some fantasy.

-You'll soon be away.

-All right, then.

-Goodnight, kid.

-Goodnight, Terry.

-What the hell's this?!

-What?

I got it for tomorrow, for emergencies be prepared.

You scheming, rotten...!

I've had my fantasy.

-What happened?

-We won.

-Won what?

-The cup and league double, four one at Wembley against Arsenal.

Good.

-I'm still wide awake, though.

-Give it a whirl go into Europe.

We're losing.

We're losing away to AC Milan.

Bring on a substitute yourself.

-I always do, then score a goal with a minute to go.

-We'll only draw!

Well, away goals count double!

For God's sake, think of something else. Try the girls on Top Of The Pops.

I've got one.

I've had this one before, but I never tire of it.

It's in Barbados, or Montego Bay.

I'm on this big, white horse, on a long, white beach.

And there's a girl, coming out of the sea.

I can see her hair, streaming in the breeze, and the firm swell of her breasts,

and her boyishly flat stomach.

Go on, go on.

-She's naked, except for a knife tied round her thigh.

-BRONZED thigh.

Yes, her BRONZED thigh.

We meet, and we kiss, and we cling, our wet bodies locked together in a warm embrace.

"I want you now," I whisper. "Now, now!"

"Wait, darling," she sighs.

"I can't," I say, afire at her touch.

"I want you now, with the sun and the sea and the sand."

"But, darling," she says, "we've got so much time."

"No, we haven't," I say. "The tide's coming in!"

It's one of them frustration ones. Yeah, I get a lot of them.

Who was the girl? Ursula Thing?

It was Thelma.

Thelma?!

Thelma?! Why her? Why not a film star or somebody?

I love her! I'm marrying her in a few hours.

You can still fantasise, can't you?

Loving her doesn't give her automatic access to your fantasies! It's a waste of a fantasy!

I never wasted them on MY wife. She was in bed when I went to sleep, and when I woke up.

In between she never had a look-in.

-TERRY SIGHS

-What fantasies did you have?

The usual.

Being a judge for Miss World...

and being bribed.

Being wounded in the Israeli army, and nursed by girls doing National Service before they became models.

-Or else I'm a ski instructor.

-Watch it!

Sometimes, I'm the new master at the girls' high school.

That one seems to come back more and more.

Yes...gymslips.

I worry about that. The sexiest TV programme is Top Of The Form, not Top Of The Pops!

If I have too many school fantasies, I balance it with a nice sporty one.

Last week I won the Ascot Gold Cup.

Who was on you? Lester Piggott?

He's heavier than he looks. My fetlocks are killing me.

-Aye, well. Let's get some sleep.

-Aye, goodnight, Terry.

Goodnight.

No!

No!

Miss Morocco, I couldn't possibly!

HE COUGHS

Terry?

-Terry?

-Mmm!

Oh, my God!!

-It's only me.

-You fool, standing there dressed like that!

I thought you were an undertaker.

I thought I'd died.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

-Did I wake you?

-Well, of course you woke me!

I was just teaching PT to a horde of Israeli sixth-form school girls, an' all.

They were just about to turn on me.

-I can't sleep.

-Is that what you woke me up to tell me?

I haven't slept a wink.

-Why are you dressed up like that?

-I'm having a dress rehearsal.

At four o'clock in the morning?!

I'm not doing it at the last minute.

Oh, for God's sake, man! Get your hat off and get some sleep.

I can't.

I can't! I know I can't.

TERRY SIGHS

-What are you doing NOW?

-Keep your voice down! Don't disturb me mother.

Charming!

-What ARE you doing?

-Re-writing my wedding speech.

Well, can't you do that downstairs?

-I don't want to disturb the cat.

-You what?! You what?!

Well, he's been out all night.

Lucky bloody cat!

-This won't work! Have you a pencil?

-I don't have one on me. How careless!

D'you need ALL the lights? Can't you use a torch or your luminous rabbit?

Well, I...

-Aaah, look what you've done now!

-Me? What have I done?

-What'll I do, Terry?

-Don't ask me!

But I AM asking you, Terry! It's one of your functions.

The best man deals with emergencies, and telegrams, and taxis.

It's gone right through!

-The ink's gone through!

-Wiping that off isn't my idea of an emergency!

-What'll I do?

-I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing

whatever it is we DO do, we're gonna have a drink with it!

TUMBLE DRYER HUMS

So we had our party after all, eh? I knew I'd get you out in the end.

I knew the lure of bright lights would prove too much for you.

There you are.

It's foamy! That's had soap powder in it!

Get it down yer! With those pills rattling about, a little detergent won't matter.

It might give me inner cleanliness!

-Here's to you!

-Cheers.

And thanks, Terry, for staying to keep me company.

-My privilege!

-I'll put all this in my speech tomorrow.

-Ugh!

-That'll get a laugh at the wedding.

-What a night!

Never mind. On the town at last! Canny little place, this the best laundrette in town.

We'll have a couple here, then try the new one in the High Street,

and the tea stall in the fish market.

After that, St George's Outpatients is always good for a laugh at dawn!

I feel strange. I'd better not have too much drink with all those drugs.

I feel dizzy watching my trousers go round.

If you'd had a stag party, this wouldn't have happened.

You'd have had a few drinks, passed out, gone home, been sick, and fallen asleep.

I suppose it's tension, inner tension...

or deep-down nerves, because tomorrow's the most important day of my life.

TODAY is the most important day! I hope the trousers dry before you get to the church.

-I feel terrible!

-So do I. That's nights in for you.

-What did you do the night before you got married?

-I had a stag party, a classic!

What a night! It's still the talk of BAOR.

It was in the corporals' mess with the artillery lads and the Jocks from the Gordons.

I had 14 pints and some scotch, and beat up a bombadier.

The drink made you mellow, did it?

Lewis broke a fire hydrant. Shillingford broke a bone falling off the roof.

-What was he doing ON the roof?

-Getting his shoes.

-Silly question!

The CSM hit a Kraut, and the Scouse was sick on the regimental mascot.

What a charming party! Why didn't I read about it in Jennifer's Diary?

The lads pulled me trousers down and boot-polished me six hours before the service, an' all.

-Did it come off?

-By the time I was de-mobbed it lost most of its shine.

And that's your idea of a great pre-marital evening?

I had no trouble sleeping, no inner tension. They put me to bed and the next thing I knew, I had a wife.

Bob?

Bob!

Come on, Bob!

Wakey, wakey! Come on!

Don't just lie there. I'm not giving YOU the kiss of life.

Come on! You're getting married tomorrow!

-SINGS WEDDING MARCH:

-Pom, pom, pom-pom! Pom, pom, pom-pom!

-#

-Pom, pom...

-#

-Evening, officer.

-Someone's had a good evening by the look of things.

Someone's painted the town a bit red.

Well, we haven't!

Oh, aye? Pull the other one. You REEK of spirits.

All we've had is cocoa and a few fantasies!

Cocoa(!)

-Don't you have homes to go to?

-Yes, but we're waiting for his trousers.

Come on, lad, wake up!

Come on!

Pull yourself together. He's as drunk as a...

He's not, he's not! He's...he's not had a drop!

He's out cold!

That's not the drink, that's the drugs!

Ah, smashing!

Ah, what a fantastic night's sleep!

Oh, all those Israeli girls!

Mind you, the sand gets everywhere.

Ooh! Has me mam brought the tea yet?

Not yet.

Where's my lamp shade gone?

-Where's my bedroom gone? Terry, where are we?!

-Leave off!

Don't panic, get a grip. There's nothing to worry about. We're in a cell.

-What cell? Why?

-We are being held under the Emergency Powers Act, pending further investigation.

-Get us out of here!

-Calm down! It's not death row.

-Why are we here?

Why are we in a cell? What happened?

-Remember the police box and the strange doctor?

-Be serious.

-Do you remember the laundrette?

-Oh, God! Aye.

Your system collapsed after all the scotch, pills and detergent.

-The law brought us in.

-On what charge?

I don't know. Vagrancy? Disorderly conduct? Drunk in charge of a spin-dryer?

-What time is it?

-It's OK, I told them you're getting married.

They may escort you to the church a motorcade of blue lights and sirens!

IMITATES SIREN

God! Thelma's mum nearly died when a policeman asked me for road tax.

Alive, is he?

-We're sorry for any inconvenience we've caused, sir.

-What's gonna happen?

There are no charges. Get yourselves home.

-Thank you, sir.

-You...

-Thanks.

-You never learn!

Stag parties! Why didn't you have it earlier, and stay in the night before the wedding?

It...It's an important day, you know. It's the most important of your life.

You mustn't turn up looking and feeling terrible...

..like I did.

I'll remember next time, sir.

How many wives are you planning on? Let's get you home and dressed.

By the way...

I think these are yours.

Well, that'll get a laugh at the wedding!

Intelfax Subtitles by Julia Watts for BBC Subtitling, 1995