Cold Feet Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# What happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# The day went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to

# The past? #

Morning.

Did Thelma explain about last night?

It was all an accident. Don't sit there in a huff.

-What DID she say?

-I'm not talking to you!

-You may as well. There's a broken collarbone in now, then this gentleman.

-I won't be long.

It might be worse than you think. You don't look too good to me.

I'm here for the wife's prescription.

Well, it could still take an age.

Talking to me is better than a 1967 copy of Autocar. Did she explain?

-Thelma's not speaking. She's having a nervous breakdown.

-Oh? I'll have a hernia, then.

-Fancy making up a four for solo?

-If it wasn't for this I'd hit you.

-I'd hit you back.

-I offered you my house because I felt sorry for you. I even brought you some breakfast.

I get you big, brown, organic eggs, and you're in bed with my fiancee!

-Do you deny it?

-It's obvious what happened!

Thelma came to stay, saw me asleep and thought I was you.

She didn't want to wake you up, so she got in and fell asleep herself.

And I'd lost two stone. Where? At the Turkish bath?

BUZZER

I am the last person that...

I am the last person in the world Thelma wants to...cuddle up to.

She's having a breakdown, not cos you found out she was in bed with me, but because SHE found out.

-Aren't I right?

-I don't know.

-I swear, hope to die.

-And nothing happened?

-Not so much as a nudge.

-How's the hand?

-The finger's broken.

-Not if you can wiggle it like that!

-It's very sore!

-So's mine! You should get your hatch seen to.

Mind you, the main reason I'm here is to get some malaria pills.

-You can't have malaria.

-From the services! I was two years in the Med.

You'd have got webbed feet, not malaria!

She's not really having a nervous breakdown, is she?

She's very upset. I'll have to go round and make it up - again!

-Women are funny. If it's not one thing, it's the other.

-Usually the other!

It all happened since you got back.

-I'll go away! I'll emigrate!

-It's not you, mate, really.

-I'm glad you appreciate that!

I can see her point. You DO represent a threat.

You're the past. You're what we used to be.

We were lads, knocking it back and putting it about.

-Can't she see that's all over?

-She's got to be MADE to.

She must realise you're no longer my bosom companion.

She's my partner now, the one I'm working for, building a future for, and giving up all my spare time for.

-Except Fridays, of course.

-Well, yes, except Fridays. That's always been lads' night.

-And Tuesday's darts match?

-Tuesday is darts, isn't it?

-And midweek football?

-Obviously, we'll go to that together, but she has the rest, except Sunday lunch.

And that isn't enough! Dear me!

-They're so demanding.

-Aye, well.

-BUZZER

You do believe me about last night?

-Sure.

-How about a swift half later, seeing as she's having a breakdown?

-You're on.

-Shake?

-Shake.

It's a game though, isn't it?

Don't tell me - I've seen it all.

-It's all such a drama.

-It was in MY marriage. Cheers!

-We never understood each other, her being German and me English.

-Couldn't she speak English?

She could say "What time will you be back?" and "Give us some more money."

Thelma gets hysterical. It's female insecurity, like when I broke it off last year.

You mean again, after the first time?

-And there was one in between!

-You can hardly blame her for female insecurity! Poor cow!

Er, poor lass. She won't know WHERE she is - now you see it, now you don't!

She must feel like Pavlov's dog.

-What?

-Pavlov's dog - they rang a bell and took its dinner away.

I thought Pavlov was a ballerina.

Maybe, but she had a dog who didn't know if he was coming or going.

We're not that bad. Every couple has ups and downs.

It's just that people have to be sure in their own minds.

Why did you break it off last time?

-Irreconcilable differences.

-How come it's on again?

We came up on the housing list.

Ah, Bob, Bob, please!

Look, I've got no axe to grind, but that's no basis for marriage, is it?

Loving someone, needing them, putting them up the stick - fine!

But don't get married because a man from the council says your number's up!

That was the past! There are no doubts now, no uncertainties.

-I see. So that little ring, after its many journeys up and down her digit, is now firmly in place.

-Yes.

-The banns are read tomorrow, and the invitations are done.

-So that's it!

With the announcement in the Echo it's a big investment. Can't waste that.

Look, I'm well aware of the dangers of marrying for the wrong reasons.

Some men marry so they're not spare at the Football Club Xmas Eve dance.

Thelma and I are being mature. We haven't panicked into rushing things.

True. Nineteen years and three engagements is hardly impetuous.

-It's not that long.

-It is!

I remember the first day, clearly - Park Juniors, 4B.

It was me that got you together, indirectly.

Old Hayward wanted to split us up.

He had a re-shuffle, and put her by you. I lost my place at the radiator.

And we've been re-shuffling ever since.

You've always been up and down with her. You were always rowing. I remember the first row.

She had some plasticine in a little tin, and one day it disappeared.

You denied stealing it, but she didn't believe you, and trundled her desk right back.

-How can you remember?

-It was me that stole her plasticine.

You've been coming between us ever since.

You spread a rumour of her going on the allotment with Frank Cheavers.

You told me her brother was in borstal, and that her mum was in the loony bin.

-You've stolen her plasticine for 19 years, metaphorically.

-You can tell your fiancee went to grammar school.

When she went to grammar school and we went to the blackboard jungle, I became her social inferior.

-We were everybody's social inferior.

-I used to watch her...

through the railings, skipping, her blouse tucked into her thick navy blue knickers.

As Paul Anka put it at the time, "So near and yet so far away."

-Billy Fury.

-Paul Anka.

It was Billy Fury!

-Paul Anka. A quid on it!

-You're on. Halfway To Paradise - Billy Fury.

-"I wanna be your lover, but your friend is all I'll stay."

-What's it mean?

I want to be your lover, but you'll only let me be your friend!

Hey, you two fairies - out!

-Hello, Audrey.

-Hello, Bob. It IS nice to see you! Wipe your feet, Terry.

I got the invitation. I'll RSVP as soon as I get a minute.

When I get this bandage off, I'll punch that feller. I learned some tricks in the army.

-How do you feel about the big day? Nervous?

-Not really, n-no.

He's terrified. He's got cold feet. In his case - cold, flat feet.

-I'm looking forward to it, thanks.

-Has he been stirring?

-He hasn't helped.

-Don't listen!

-I know what it's about. I went through it all.

I've been married five years and have two kids and a bad back to prove it.

Marriage isn't a breakfast food commercial. You work at it.

I tried. God knows I tried.

He did nothing to save his marriage. It was madness in the first place.

But Bob will make a lovely husband and a smashing father.

-If only we'd had children.

-Don't let him tell you how he suffered. Oh, the heartbreak and the anguish!

Get him to tell you how it failed, to give you an idea of the anguish.

That hurts, more than you will ever know - that hurts!

He only told me about it yesterday.

Audrey, did you ever meet his wife?

-Once.

-What was she like?

-Well...

-She was a very...physical girl.

-You mean there was a lot of her?

Well, not so much, but what there was, one was made very aware of.

Terry always did like bigger girls. He always was a breast man.

As opposed to a leg or thigh man.

-What sort of a man are you, Bob?

-I think the face counts.

And manners are important. Yes, the face and manners.

-And sensitivity and deportment.

-Mmm.

-I like big knockers and all!

-You're all the same. Your loins rule your head.

It's important, the physical side. I wouldn't marry Thelma if...

If... If we didn't... If we couldn't...

If we weren't attracted to each other.

-You've had plenty of time to find out.

-We have...

-Yes?

-..found out.

-That's why it took ages to do your new house.

-It had two undercoats!

And an overcoat and two pillows!

And a lot of nerve - the plasterers were in the kitchen!

-You'll be OK, you and Thelma.

-We're always having rows.

Marriage means rows, with breaks to get your breath back. You'll manage.

-You're happy, aren't you?

-I suppose so.

We don't row so much now I do yoga.

If Ernie picks a fight with me now,

I sit in the lotus position smiling serenely. It drives him mad.

Ta.

-Terry?

-What?

-How did your marriage end?

-Irreconcilable differences.

-Was it having rows, or another feller, or what?

What was the last straw?

It built to a climax in June 1970.

June 14th it was, 9.30 local time.

I had a weekend pass, so I spent the weekend with her family.

They were all there - her mother, father, uncles and brothers -

all watching telly after dinner, full of veal, sauerkraut and beer.

Then it happened. The thing that snapped the thread of our chance of happiness together.

-What happened?

-What happened?! On June 14th 1970?!

I thought that date was imprinted on every true Englishman's mind!

England two, West Germany three! That's what happened!

Aye, of course!

Do you know what it was like to be in Germany that night, after being two up? I was out of my mind.

I was on the sideboard singing Rule Britannia.

Then the shame!

The humiliation!

They all leapt up and down, their eyes glazed with national fervour.

I thought they were going to invade Poland again.

-Don't! I only just learned to live with it myself.

-Imagine how I felt.

I just got up and went, quite unnoticed.

I got my bag.

-Then I walked away forever.

-It was bad enough here. I can't say I blame you.

I had to go to bed and lie down...

for two weeks.

-So that was that.

-It takes a while to get over something like that.

-Of course.

-You can't just shrug it off.

-Back to square one and start again.

-Pick up the pieces.

-Start afresh.

-Mind you, I think Chivers has made a difference.

-Oh, aye.

Do you want me to come over? Well, it's up to you.

I didn't say that! Do YOU want me to come over?

Oh.

You don't want me to come over?

I do, I do, that's why I offered to.

-God preserve us!

-I only...I only said that in case you didn't want me to.

But I want to. That's why I offered to.

I didn't come in case you didn't want to see me, or were lying down,

or having one of your MIGRAINES.

I didn't say ONE of your migraines.

I said one of your MIGRAINES.

-#

-Love is a many-splendoured thing.

-#

-Oh, be quiet!

No, no, I'm not with Terry, sweet.

-TERRY SINGS ON

-It's the wireless. I'm at Audrey's.

She can't talk. She's in the lotus position.

-#

-Love is a way of giving...

-#

-I'll just turn the sound down, pet.

-#

-A reason for living...

-#

-Will you shut your stirring?

That's better, Thelma.

-Thelma? Oh...!

-Has she rung off?

-Yes.

-Thanks to you, she's rung off!

-Just as well - there's no end to conversations like that.

-So, are you?

-Am I what?

-Going over. Are you going over?

You're not going over because if you did, you might wish you hadn't.

-Shut up, Terry.

-I wish you'd come down from there.

-You'll do yourself permanent damage with this yoga.

-Is she still upset, Bob?

Mmm. She doesn't want me to go over.

AH!

-She stopped work on my cardigan.

-Oh, downed needles, has she?

-Terry!

-It was a fawn one for weekends.

-I hate men who wear cardigans.

-Like your father and uncles - they wear them.

No, not that sort - the sort Thelma will knit you, with wiggly, chunky wool,

and beige and fawn, and rugby clubs, and Sunday drinks and barbecues,

and gin and tonics, and Crosse and Blackwell.

He's an angry young man, years out of date, like his hair and shoes!

-What do you mean?

-You're a knocker - Terry Collier, the alternative voice.

He has no alternative. He's against everything, not just cardigans.

I am against things that threaten my liberty. I don't want to be submerged.

-I won't be suffocated by society, by conventions, by...

-Marriage? That's what this is leading up to.

-Pardon?

-Blessed union, holy wedlock. This is a not very subtle attempt to kick me in the matrimonial groin.

I'm just trying to warn very close friends about rushing into things

which I learned, through bitter experience, to think twice about.

I know all about holy wedlock.

-Holy NECKlock! Do you submit?

-Your marriage may have been played for points - mine will be full of joy.

-Your marriage never worked. There's too much meanness in you.

-Exactly.

-And hostility.

-Exactly.

-No wonder it was ended by a Gerd Muller goal.

I tried!

-God knows I tried!

-Oh!

I shouldn't have said that. It was unkind.

Don't fret. He's only gone to get the chocolate biscuits.

I do worry, though, Audrey. Look at the friends we know who've split up.

We all left school, had engagements and twenty-firsts together.

Now everyone's separating. I get it together, and my contemporaries get it apart!

-Don't count Terry.

-I don't, I mean all sorts of people.

-Even the Sandersons have split up.

-Surprised they found the energy! They're as dull as a Welsh Sunday!

-The divorce wasn't!

-Frank ran off with an usherette from the Regal.

He always carried a torch for her!

I nearly left Ernie a few years ago, but I hadn't time!

-Tony and Aud, Doug and Glenys.

-What happened?

-They went on a cruise together.

-That finished it?

Now it's Doug and Aud, Tony and Glenys.

-And you're having your banns read, with all these warnings?

-And I'm seeing Rev Gordon about the details.

Gordon? The vicar's name is Newman!

Didn't you hear? He left his wife.

The vicar and all?! Is nothing sacred?

It was in the paper. He ran off with a petrol attendant.

He left his wife, kids, and 21 books of Green Shield stamps from his courtship.

-Thanks for tea.

-Good luck for tomorrow.

-Aye, see you in church.

-What? You're not coming, are you?

I'll pop round. Hearing's believing.

What for? You're up to something!

You won't think of a just impediment?

Just depends. Does Frank Cheavers on the allotment count?

You cock things up and I'll smash you - bad hand or no bad hand!

That's put the wind up his banns!

-Can you remember the last time you were in church?

-Aye, clearly!

This feller was splashing water all over my head!

-LAUGHTER DROWNS HER SPEECH

-There's a reason I want to hear those banns.

-What?

-All the time I've known Bob, there's one thing he'd never tell me. Tomorrow I'll find out.

-What?

His middle name. I know it's Robert Andrew S Ferris, but I don't know what that S is for.

-He'd never tell me, so it must be ludicrous.

-I didn't know that!

He hushed it up. On his satchel and pencil case, he'd only put RAF. He ALWAYS hushed that S up!

-What can it be?

-Something to do with the war - a battle, a general, or a film star.

-S?

-Mmm.

S.

S.

Robert Andrew...Stalin Ferris? No, no, no - his dad wouldn't even join the union.

Robert Andrew Sands-Of-Iwojima Ferris? No, he didn't even get overseas.

Robert Andrew Shirley Temple Ferris.

VICAR: Grant that thy people, Lord, may avoid the contamination of the Devil,

and with pure minds follow thee, our only God, through our Lord...

(Bob.)

-Bob.

-What?

-What's the matter?

-Nothing.

Nothing!

Well, pray.

We will now sing Hymn 160 -

Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty.

Hey. You're Collier's lad, aren't you? Young Terry, is it?

-Not as young as I used to be. How are you?

-Fine!

-They say you're in t'services.

-I was. Have they kicked off inside?

-Half an hour ago. You're not going in though?

-I am!

Well, God moves in mysterious ways his wonders to perform!

Listen to that. I remember that one. Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty - a hit in my day.

-Did you hear about Reverend Newman?

-Aye.

-He loses his pension.

-Yes, look, I don't want to miss the sermon.

-There's a seat at t'back.

-How's business?

-Champion!

-Bye, then.

Who wants seats? Who wants seats?

# God in three persons

# Blessed Trinity! #

# Amen. #

On Tuesday, Sister Elizabeth Hayes is giving a talk on her work in Tehran

with the Voluntary Service Overseas.

On Saturday, it's our jumble sale.

The church hall will be open all day Friday, for you to leave some jumble.

And then, on Friday evening,

Mrs Penchant will give a lecture on birds of the Farne Islands,

followed by coffee and questions in the Scout hall.

Quite a week!

I publish banns of marriage between Judith Mary Caldicott, spinster of this parish,

and David St John Pearce, bachelor of the parish of Christchurch, Purley,

for the second time, and between Thelma Ingrid Chambers, spinster of this parish,

and Robert Andrew Scarborough Ferris...

..bachelor of the parish of St Mark's, for the first time of asking.

If you know cause or just impediment...

Scarborough!

Morning.

-Having the bandage off?

-Yes.

-Aye, me and all.

The banns are read, countdown has begun.

-Ten, nine, eight...

-Very witty.

-How's Thelma?

-She won't speak to me.

God preserve us! Now what?

Now what?! You made that service in church yesterday a laughing stock. Thelma's never been so embarrassed.

Don't blame me, mate. Blame your parents.

Why?

Why Scarborough?

That was where...

That was where...

They told me once that's where I was...

..where I was...

..conceived.

Get away!

They worked it out that precisely?

Apparently!

Did they only have it off on summer holidays, then?

No, of course not. They lived there. My father was stationed there.

They called me that out of...out of...sentiment.

I see. Good job he wasn't stationed in Barrow-in-Furness!

I never use it, so just forget it. Nobody knows about it.

-Except the congregation!

-They won't rush outside shouting it abroad.

My lips are sealed, Robert Andrew.

Good.

So, are Thelma's lips still sealed?

Will she break the angry silence, or just nod her head and use sign language?

-We had a small row, nothing serious.

-Nothing you won't get used to.

-I'm going ahead, you know.

I know! Don't tell ME! I knew in 4B. Your fate was sealed before the 11 plus!

You've given me a chance to iron out any doubts. I'm grateful to you.

You've given me a chance to re-examine, and I have.

I've re-examined. I've re-appraised. And now I'm reassured.

Good. Now is the time to doubt, not when she's racing up that aisle.

-When the vicar says "Do you take this woman?", you can't say "Not necessarily."

-My mind IS made up.

-BUZZER

-I had doubts, but it was cold feet.

I know in my heart that Thelma is the girl for me.

I know what and who I want. She's the one, always has been,

always will be, of that I'm certain.

I think.

Intelfax Subtitles by Julia Watts for BBC Subtitling, 1995