Birthday Boy Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people we used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to the past? #

-Come on, now. Stir yourself, my lad.

-Oh, what time is it?

-Half past eight.

-Only half eight?

-That's late enough.

I must do this room today. It's not been touched since you got back.

-It smells like a... What's your army expression?

-Maltese brothel.

Terry!

It's made you coarse, the army has, crude. I was going to say a gorilla's armpit.

Hardly the height of gentility.

Well, don't you bring any of your barrack-room ways or Maltese brothels into this house.

-My, let's open a window. Get some air in.

-Uh.

It smells like last night's beer and last week's socks.

It should smell of my aftershave which makes me dangerous to be with.

What's it called? "Pickled Onions For Men"?

"Quiver", and I was hoping today of all days somebody would give me a refill.

-What's today of all days?

-A day when I didn't expect to be woken at 8.30,

I expected attention and affection lavished on me.

I should be woken at noon, with bacon and eggs and the "Sporting Life".

I'm not running this house as a resettlement centre for disabled ex-servicemen, you know.

-So get your thinking cap on.

-Do you know what day it is?

-Thursday.

-What day historically?

Look, pay a bit of attention to me. Down dusters for a second.

What happened in 1944, not counting World War II,

which we've celebrated ever since?

Uncle Stan lost his arm in Normandy. We don't celebrate that.

I meant a happy event. During the confusion of war it brought you a ray of sunshine.

I saw Gone With The Wind for the third time.

Is there nothing else vivid in your memory?

I had a terrible time carrying you.

And then?

Eee, I didn't forget, pet. I didn't forget.

-Of course you did.

-I've got a card. Now, where is it?

DOORBELL

Who's that? You're STILL not dressed.

-It's Bob's car.

-Ah, friends. Real friends don't forget!

I'll let him in. Many happy returns.

Thanks a bunch.

Not a single card.

What the hell's this?

"Gender - the most comprehensive, up-to-date manual on adult sexual instruction.

"No obligation. Send £15." Happy birthday(!)

God, it smells like a Turkish wrestler's jockstrap.

-Not you an' all.

-You've got it easy - tea in bed. What's this?

An offer for sexual instruction.

-Thelma and I did that.

-Wrote it or posed?

We gave them your name and address, then we get ours half price.

"No obligation"? It's £15.

I suppose it means you send 15 quid for the manual and then I suppose...

you don't have to follow the instructions.

Rather spend the money on a Maltese brothel.

-Why d'you think of Maltese brothels?

-Mother was on about them.

-Your mother?

-Mmm.

-She recommends them?

-I don't know!

She's never been to Malta. She's been to Boulogne with her sister.

-They don't have brothels there.

-So what?

They went for duty free and an Eiffel Tower paperweight.

I'll go out and I'll come in again.

This place smells like a Boulogne brewery.

They can't brew beer. It's all wine.

Never mind, man. I'm supposed to be at work, and I've got something to discuss.

You have!

You know I was meeting you tonight for a drink? I've just remembered...

today is a special occasion.

Nice of you to think of it that way, Bob.

What do you think of these?

You shouldn't.

-You wouldn't believe the price.

-It's the thought that counts.

-They're earrings!

-Of course they're earrings.

I'm not a bloody Gypsy! What's for Christmas? A caravan?

They're for Thelma.

Thelma?!

-For our anniversary.

-Anniversary of what?

-Our engagement.

-Which engagement?

-Do you like them?

-This is the special occasion?

I can't meet you tonight so I called round.

We're going to the pictures. They're reviving Gone With The Wind. I've not seen it.

-That's incredible!

-No. I wasn't born when they made it.

My mother also puts Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh before me, and me Uncle Stan's left arm.

-Left arm?

-Left in Normandy.

Was this on that trip to Boulogne?

Special occasion. I would have thought you of all people...

-Well, you live and learn.

-What is it?

-Nothing.

-There's obviously something the matter.

-I've just said, nothing.

I can tell by the way you said, "nothing".

-How did I say it?

-You didn't just say, "nothing",

you said, "no-o-thing", all hurt, with that look.

-What look?

-Your martyr's look. Your leave-me-here-to-suffer look.

-Aye, well.

-You won't tell me, then?

If you don't know, there's no point.

Well, give us a clue.

-What day is it?

-Thursday.

-I mean what day historically?

I haven't time for "Quiz of the Week". I've got work.

Sorry about tonight. See you tomorrow.

You don't remember?

I'm meant to be at work at 9.00.

I don't know... unless it's your birthday.

-Sorry.

-I should think so, an' all.

I forgot the earrings.

-There you are, pet. I told you I'd got you one.

-Mmm.

Four and a half pence.

Mother, you might have signed it.

I'll do it later, pet, when I'm not busy.

"On this day of love and joy, here's a toast to my dear boy."

I wish him joy. I wish him well. I wish his bedroom didn't smell.

RADIO PRESENTER: 'As promised, birthday requests...'

-Hello! >

-It's open.

-It's only me.

-Oh, it's not Harrods with a waggon-load of presents?

-I brought the evening paper.

-Cheers.

-How much is it?

-I don't want money.

-I'll pay my way.

-Can I have a cup of tea?

-Probably needs some water.

It's all right. What are you doing?

Having a sandwich and a cup of tea. What are you doing?

I just thought I'd pop round after work.

See how you were.

Happy birthday!

-I remembered! Blow it out.

-I'll blow you out.

Pardon?

Enter into the spirit of it!

We'll have jelly and ice cream and play musical chairs(!)

If you like, or statues.

Da-da, da-da, da-da, daaa!

Oh, sit down, man!

And there was hunt the thimble!

I know something harder to play - hunt the birthday card.

-Didn't you get many?

-One! From our Audrey's kids. It wasn't even right.

It said, "Get well soon".

-It's just a mistake.

-Perhaps. Perhaps not.

-What?

-Perhaps I've got an incurable disease and they're not letting on.

-I doubt it. Besides, they can cure anything now.

-Except loneliness.

-Remember your 12th birthday party here?

-Yes. I got cards and presents.

It was a good party. We were at the transitional stage -

you weren't hunting the thimble, you were hunting Deirdre Birchwood.

It was a sort of puberty party.

-I remember playing dustman's knock.

-Eh?

Same as postman's knock, only dirtier.

-And that game "photography".

-What?

Lights out and see what develops!

Hah! Hah! Very funny(!)

-It's as if it was yesterday.

-It wasn't that exciting.

It was a mixture of childishness and early sexual awareness.

I poured pink blancmange down Deirdre Birchwood's bra. Remember?

I remember. Me hand was down there at the time.

By, she was a big girl, that.

Don't you have to rush off to take Thelma to see Gone With The Wind?

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday. Let's have a look at your stars.

You'll have a special one, birthday boy. What are you?

"Piss-keys".

Pisces. Here we go -

"A good time for chucking out old grudges and inhibitions, for a fresh start.

"Look at your... career and social possibilities, and discover new openings."

Career? I haven't even got a job.

As I've got no friends, I've got no social possibilities to start with.

It's a fresh start. There's more - "Tonight in harmonious atmosphere pleasant memories return."

The public bar at the Black Horse - harmonious atmosphere?

I'll ONLY have memories for company.

You Pisces people lack stability. You're like fish.

You drift aimlessly, prone to melancholy.

Rubbish! How can fish be prone to melancholy?

Have you seen a cheerful haddock? Or a merry mackerel?

I'd rather be a fish than a goat!

-Aren't Capricorns goats?

-I'm not a Capricorn by temperament. I was premature.

I'd be an Aquarius if Mother hadn't got crushed in the January sales.

It's all a lot of gunge that star nonsense anyway.

It gives here the celebrity birthdays.

-Oh...

-What do you mean, "Oh"?

No-one famous has a birthday today. Best they can do is James Ogilvy.

-Who?

-There you go.

He's the son of Princess Alexandra and Angus Ogilvy.

-I bet HE got presents.

-I share mine with Bruce Forsyth.

Do you REALLY?

That's what you're really doing tonight? Going to the Black Horse?

-I suppose so.

-Are you definitely going?

-What's it got to do with you?

If you're going down, I'll come over in the intermission and have a swift half.

-Suit yourself.

-Right, I'll be off then. Cheers.

I told you, didn't I? Pisces - prone to melancholy.

-Penny for them?

-Whatever happened to Deirdre Birchwood?

Whatever happened to blancmange?

-How will we recognise him? A red carnation?

-He hasn't changed, Podge.

It's been five years. Must be. I don't think I'd recognise him.

You used to go out with him.

So did Janey. Why not just have his ex-girlfriends? We'll go to the pub.

-We could, and have a game of cards.

-No! Go on, help yourself!

Surely you can give up one night. It's a surprise party!

-I always play darts on Thursdays.

-It's the "welcome" mat!

He's been away and he's lost touch. He doesn't think he's got any friends.

Give him a big welcome!

It's his birthday. Show him we're pleased to see him.

-Chat! Gee him up!

-Leave it to us.

Then we go down to the Fat Ox. Stan!

Thelma's made this lovely food and you can drink here.

You can see your ex-lover alone.

There was nothing between me and Terry Collier.

Frequently! 'EY!

What did you see in him? You like a bit of flesh on your men.

-There's the taxi.

-It's time for Deborah and Clare to get him.

-He's in the Black Horse. Chat him up and bring him back.

-We've never met him.

That's the surprise! Two attractive girls he doesn't know making a play for him.

-He'll love it!

-He's thin, you said?

-Yes. Thin and forlorn.

In the public bar.

-Ready, sexy?

-Oh, ready when you are.

THEY CHEER

-Wait till he sees them.

-And us!

It's like "This is Your Life"!

Wish we'd found Deirdre Birchwood. "Do you remember this voice?"

"Who put blancmange down my brassiere?"

-I beg your pardon?

-Nothing, love. Just a party a long time ago.

Mmm!

Give us a lager. Bottled. Coming up.

-All right?

-Can't complain.

-Aye, well.

-Could be worse.

-Always could.

-Always someone...

-..Worse than you.

-True enough.

-That's how you've got to look at it.

-Aye, count your blessings.

Always someone worse off than you.

-Cheers!

-Cheers!

-Not much happening round here.

-Not much, no.

-Waiting for someone?

Candice Bergen and Julie Christie.

-Oh, aye?

-They're always bloody late, them two.

Brigitte Bardot's kept me waiting three hours.

It's a long way from St Tropez on a donkey.

Going to the Burtons' party?

Well, she was so upset that I didn't go to the birthday party...

Like a lift? Sammy Davis Jr's picking me up.

No thanks, all the same. I'm going with the Onassis'.

-Should be there for cocktails.

-In time for the gala fancy-dress ball.

Like your outfit.

Yeah. I thought I'd go as a working-class bloke with no job and no prospects.

-Suits you.

-What are you going as?

-Genghis Khan.

-Of course.

I left me hoard outside.

-Fancy a crisp?

-Thank you, mate. Like a drink?

Why not? Special, please. Just going to see a man about a dog.

Special, please. Coming up.

-Hello.

-You what?

"Hello". Me friend said, "Hello".

-Can I have a crisp?

-Be my guest.

Are you on your own? Sort of.

-Alone! Nobody loves you.

-Someone this devastating, alone?

-One of life's mysteries.

I was stood up. She must be mad.

Well, she was travelling from France.

Do you want to come with us to this party?

It's not...Candice and Julie, is it?

Deborah and Clare. What's in a name?

-You haven't said.

-Said what?

-Whether you're coming or not.

Where is it, this party? Well, it's a surprise.

-Don't you trust us?

-I hope not.

Well, come on then. Find out!

Give the Burtons my apologies. Tell them something's come up.

Cheer up! There's lots worse off.

Name bloody one!

-It's a bit quiet.

-It won't be later on. Here.

Hey! Come on! It's not one of THOSE parties, is it?

Course not. Give us your hand. Go on, Debs.

ALL: # For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow... #

Who the hell are you?

I'd never have know him. Terry?!

-You're an imposter.

-You what? Isn't it Terry?

-Why are you masquerading as Terry?

-I've never masqueraded in me life.

-Just a minute. Who are you?

-Who are you?

Colin. Colin Ferguson.

ALL: Who?

A coven! It's been in the "News of the World".

Witchcraft in the suburbs. I'm going to be a sacrifice. Help!

Two of the best, sir. There we are.

-I thought I'd missed you.

-Why?

They said... He said... I didn't mean that, there's no "he". There's no "they" either.

I mean, it's later than you think.

-Later than I think.

-Have you had more of Thelma's slimming pills?

No, I'm just in a bit of a state. It's a long drive.

-The Regal's only round the corner.

-The Regal?

You were going to pop in while Atlanta was burning.

I was. I didn't...drive from the Regal.

But you said, "It's a long drive."

But what I meant was it's a long drive from Atlanta.

You've lost me. While you're having a mental lapse, I'll have a scotch.

-Me, too. Two large scotches, please, George.

-Coming up.

-How's the film?

-Terrible.

-I thought it was a masterpiece.

-It's a terrible masterpiece.

I meant it's terrible what they're doing to Atlanta - burning it. That was terrible.

Grand. Thanks, George. Keep the change.

-It's his birthday. Happy birthday! Many of them.

-The fewer the better,

as far as I'm concerned.

-You haven't had a pleasant evening?

-No.

-Hasn't been a happy birthday?

Much the same as most of the others.

Bob, I've been thinking... my parents never really wanted me.

Come on. What gave you that idea?

It was the war. They'd already got two daughters.

No money, a bombed house - the last thing they wanted was another mouth to feed.

Well, you're here. Living proof.

Proof? Proof of what? That me dad had a couple of jars too many on a 48-hour pass?

I was probably conceived in an Anderson shelter,

to keep Mum's mind off a doodlebug.

How long have you been here? Come on, man. Of course your father wanted you.

All men want sons to carry on the line.

-Do they?

-Of course, and doodlebugs came in after you were born.

I must have been starved of love as a child.

That's why I'm a loner. People sense it. I've got no friends.

No real friends at all.

There was a bloke in here, we were getting on fine, he ate my crisps.

I went for a Jimmy Riddle and when I get back...

he's been swept off by two ravers.

-No mention of me going with him to make up a foursome. Oh, no.

-You've got friends.

Stacks of them. People who want to see you again.

Close friends.

Bob...you're the closest.

You'd tell me, wouldn't you? Tell me straight?

Tell you what?

If I'd got BO, or bad breath or...

..or sweaty feet, or all three.

You haven't, man!

I wouldn't be hurt. If the answer was getting under a tap with a bar of Lifebuoy, pride wouldn't stop me.

-There's nothing wrong with your hygiene.

-Even Mam follows me round with an aerosol.

Come on, man! Just because some of us forgot your birthday.

In fact, I've got something to cheer you up.

-I don't want it, thanks.

-You've got to have it.

-What?

-It's a surprise. Knock these back and we'll go.

-What about Gone With The Wind?

Forget Gone With The Wind! Ask no questions. Come on!

Fair enough.

Ooh!

Oh, George. If Candice and Julie turn up, tell them I had to dash.

It's Bob's car. Everybody, hush!

Are there two of them? Yes!

-Why Thelma's house?

-You'll find out. Put this on.

-What are you doing, man?

-It's like blind man's bluff.

-What?

-Is that too tight?

-No, but I can't see the point.

That's the point!

Through here.

-Where's this present, then?

-No mad rush. Stand there.

Right, put your hands out.

-It's a girl!

-Very perceptive!

-Thelma?

-No.

-I can enjoy myself.

It can't be Deirdre or I wouldn't be able to stand this close.

Right, turn round.

Put your hands out again.

-Another girl.

-Correct.

-I'm beginning to enjoy my birthday.

Which one's yours? Does Thelma think you're at evening class?

Certainly not! They're both yours.

-"Scheherezade".

-Pardon?

-Perfume. She's wearing it.

-You recognise perfume?

-Janey Freeman wore it. Remember her?

Her memory will linger up my nostrils for many years.

-Terry...

-Did she marry that Hugh?

He was a long streak of weak lager.

-That's enough of this game...

-Do they still see...Mary and Stan?

Mary, Mary - she wasn't so bloody contrary.

-#

-For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a...

-Stan!

-Stuff your party, Collier.

-If it wasn't your birthday I'd stuff you.

-Thelma! What are you doing?

What am I doing? Playing hostess to a party.

That's why the room's been done out, this drink's been bought, and I've spent all day stuffing vol-au-vents.

Well, that's all over. Must get down to the Fat Ox - darts, you know?

-Could you drop us off near the ice rink?

-If you like. Nice to see you back, Terry.

PODGE SNIGGERS

I don't know how you do it.

-I don't. It must be a gift.

-What have I done?

-You know you said you had no friends?

-Yes.

You've got even less now.

Well, we meet again.

Small world.

-Vol-au-vent?

-Might as well, seeing they've been stuffed on my behalf.

-Funny lot, your friends.

-Ex-friends.

Was it a surprise party, like?

-Yes.

-You should have told me.

Then it wouldn't have been a surprise. It would have been a jolly, successful party.

But it wouldn't have been a surprise.

- I'd better go. - No. All this HAS to be eaten.

They're lovely vol-aus...Thelma.

I'm sorry, Thelma. I'm really sorry.

It's OK. It's not your fault...not entirely.

It just all went...

Come on, Bob. Forgive and forget! Give him his present.

Got me a present, an' all?

You really make me feel bad now.

A party and now a present. I don't deserve friends like you.

-Happy birthday, kid.

-Many happy returns.

Yes, best wishes. Many of them.

I'm moved. I can't pretend that I'm not moved.

-"Quiver For Men".

-Bob said that's what you wanted.

Bath soap,...talc...

..deodorant.

Intelfax Subtitles by Kate Shaw for BBC Subtitling, 1995