Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to

# The past? #

This is your 16th cup of tea!

-There's no 4.30 at Wetherby here.

-A fresh pot every time!

-It's meant to be an EVENING paper.

-Don't put cigarettes in the saucer!

Come on, this isn't the Dorchester!

The Dorchester wouldn't let you near their coal cellars!

-What do you mean?

-You haven't shaved, and your hair's not been near a comb.

If the dustman comes, don't go near the front door. He may take you away.

-I'm just casual.

-No, Terry, you're slovenly. What if anybody called?

I'm in.

What if the lady selling cosmetics calls, or the man in contact lenses predicting the world's end?

-Can he predict the winner of the 4.30 at Haydock?

-Have you nothing better to do?

I have been in the army for five whole years, serving my country,

so that people like you could sleep safely in bed at night, and bring up their kids decent.

And what about pride in your appearance?

What you see is a reaction. Don't touch that jigsaw!

It's a reaction to the years of hardship, discipline and danger.

I'm entitled to take it easy for a bit. I want to do some reading...and reflect on life.

All you read is back numbers of Football Monthly, and glossy mags with nude au pair girls on the front.

The only thing you reflect on is the 4.30 winner at Haydock Park!

It's a treble and I've got it up and down!

You're letting yourself go.

You spend half the day in bed, the other half watching television.

You only go out to the betting shop.

You only speak to ask for tea or the bottle opener. You're like Andy Capp.

I'm active, physically and mentally.

I went to the Black Horse, and then I fought the flab with Terry Wogan.

It's been intellectual TV - gliding in the Dolomites,

dam-building in Syria, and Spanish, muchos gracias.

They're amazing, those school programmes.

You should've left the laundry, and watched the metamorphosis of frogs!

Well, I had to do all your clothes, didn't I? Biologically!

KNOCKING

-Who's that?

-Can I come through?

I just thought I'd pop in on my way back from work.

-How's our working-class hero?

-He's a sight. I was just telling him.

Look at Bob. Look at his lovely suit, and his hair. He's well groomed, is Bob.

They're a bit tight, those trousers. One false move and you'll be back in the choir as a soprano.

That's unnecessary. I won't have your barrack-room behaviour here.

-Cup of tea, Bob?

-If it's no trouble.

-I've made 16, so one more won't hurt.

Get your thinking cap on, lad.

There's more to life than football and nude au pairs.

-Nude au pairs? What? Where? When?

-Sorry, kidder, you just missed 'em.

-Eeh!

-You do look a state!

-Don't YOU start!

I deserve a break. I'm catching up on my reading. I didn't know Frank Sinatra had married Mia Farrow!

Mia Farrow?! That was over ages ago. She's married to Andre Previn now. They've got twins.

-Who?

-Andre Previn - the conductor.

-Oh, aye - what route's he on?

-You know nothing!

-I didn't know Mia married a man on the buses.

There's hope yet. Odd for him, though - "Morning, Andre. Fourpenny, please. How's things in Hollywood?"

He must get some stick at the depot.

Andre Previn conducts with the LSO.

-The London School of Economics?!

-That's the LSE.

-That's a drug.

-That's LSD.

-That's money!

It was, before decimalisation. Heard of that? Where the state takes over industry?

-That's nationalisation.

-He's right! Will you take the money or go for a prize?

A musical lawn mower or a cocktail cabinet with built-in spin-dryer?

I know enough! I bet I learn more from that box than you do in your office.

You look like a social misfit interviewed on Panorama.

Look at you, sat in your chair with your racing papers. You're a premature Andy Capp.

You're the second person to tell me that today. Well, I love Andy Capp.

I'm proud of my home and my class.

Just cos you try to be lower-middle, and your fiancee lives on a Tudor estate with a monkey tree!

I want to take you out. I want you to meet friends of mine that you don't know.

But how can I when you look like that? They'd not know how to react!

"Sherry for you, Bob, and for your friend? Meths?"

I don't want to be invited, thank you.

I hate their snooty little semis.

I bet all your new friends go to the rugby club or tennis club or squash club.

We've a wide range of leisure activities.

-I've got a wide range, and all!

-Forecasting and jigsaws!

You'll stop going to football soon. Saturday afternoon'll be golf!

Look, I want you to smarten yourself up and come out with me.

Things have changed. If you want to sit behind your class barrier, fine!

I'll go out with YOU. For you, Bob, I'll even shave. Where shall we go?

Not tonight. We're playing badminton with Hugh and Janie.

-Tomorrow?

-We're having supper with Mike and Linda, and Frank and Chris.

-Who is it Wednesday? Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice?

-No, a barbecue at the rugby club with the McShanes.

But on Saturday, Alan and Brenda have asked us to supper at their new house. They'd like to meet you.

Who the hell are Alan and Brenda?

-Alan came up from the South three years ago.

-You mean Middlesbrough?

No, the Deep South - Surrey. We work together. We've become good mates and he'd like to meet you.

Well, thanks, Bob. I'll just call some of the lads and have a REAL Saturday night out.

On a Saturday night they'll be out with their wives and fiancees at some steakhouse or trattoria,

or at home for Match Of The Day and barbecued chicken.

It's very much a ritual, and unless you accept it and come out with me,

you won't be part of it.

You're a man alone, a Shane of Elm Lodge Housing Estate,

walking the empty streets, hearing the merriment behind warmly-lit windows.

Well, I'm well out of the Elm Lodge Housing Estate set.

I know what goes on nowadays in your so-called respectable middle classes.

-I know what goes on behind these warmly-lit windows.

-What?

There, pet. Would you like a biscuit?

If it's no trouble. What goes on?

-I know, I've read about it.

-Read about what?

-What goes on.

-Well, what DOES go on?

-Wife-swapping and witchcraft, suburban sex orgies, that sort of thing.

-Really?

It's a fact. Behind the facade...

Where did you learn this? Sex orgies!

Mind you, we did once play charades,

and a girl tore her tights doing Climb Every Mountain.

This afternoon on that box a bishop spoke of the moral decay of our society.

I'm just asking you out to supper!

It won't be a downwards spiral of depravity,

just a meal and a game of Scrabble.

-Scrabble?!

-Perhaps not Scrabble. You'd come up with rude words.

-Hello, Audrey!

-Hello, Bob!

-It's nice to see you!

-How's Thelma?

-Grand.

-You must come to dinner with us, perhaps next week.

Tuesday's water polo with Hugh and Janie. Wednesday's potholing with Wilson Keppel and Betty.

My God! Do you know who you remind me of?

I know. Don't tell me - Andy Capp.

I was about to say Old Man Steptoe.

-Look!

-He never leaves that chair.

He reminds me of Ironside.

Well, I'VE never been invited over to your place for dinner.

Baby-sitting, aye, but never dinner.

-Well, you're so difficult to fit in, or match up or pair off.

-He's a man alone.

He's an outcast. He can't go to a wife-swapping party cos he has no wife!

He can't go to a sex orgy, cos he has no clean Y-fronts.

You're so superficial, aren't you?

You're so concerned with appearance and status. Well, I've travelled. I can hold my own anywhere.

I know about gliding, and the metamorphosis of frogs. Life is more than eating peas properly!

Come to Alan and Brenda's. Dazzle US with your scholarship and poise.

You're not taking him to their house, are you, Bob? Is it wise?

You shut your face!

All right, all right!

-I'll go, I'll go.

-Good, good.

Will it be...just a meal, like?

Well, it depends who's there, doesn't it? I mean, after dinner we might play a few games.

Eeh, I haven't made so much tea since I was in the WRVS!

-Games?

-Behind the facade...

I dine out on Saturday, Mother. Lay out the sea-island cotton shirt, the blue serge,

and, just in case, some clean Y-fronts.

Hello, Thelma!

-Hello!

-Brenda's still upstairs.

-I'll go up, shall I?

-Fine.

-Hello, Bob.

-Alan, Terry Collier.

-Heard a lot about you!

-Oh, aye?

-Come in, make yourself at home. Sit down.

-Cheers.

-What will you drink?

-Unless you've got meths, I'll have a beer, thanks.

We'll have to settle for beer! Bob?

-The usual, please - vodka and coke.

-Ice and lemon?

-Please.

Bob tells me you're from down south, Alan.

-London, is it?

-Just outside - Carshalton Beeches.

-Oh.

-Alan supports Chelsea.

-Oh.

-I had a season ticket.

Chelsea are everything I hate in football,

with all their show-biz supporters.

-They look nothing like a football team!

-I'll just get some ice.

-He said icily!

-You just step in and attack his football team!

-What if he attacked OUR football team?

-They deserve it, Chelsea.

I'm talking about manners! You know, live and let live.

-All right, all right!

-Right!

Look, I don't just hate Chelsea. I hate Arsenal, Spurs, West Ham, Crystal Palace...

-In fact, I hate ALL London clubs.

-That's OK. Cheers, Bob.

-Cheers, Alan.

Come on, girls!

-I expect you notice the changes.

-Decimalisation, and Andre Previn conducting the LSE.

LSO.

-Oh, do you like classical music?

-I hate it!

Alan has a great collection - especially Beethoven.

Beethoven's fine. The others I can't stand, but Beethoven's OK.

-What ARE you interested in?

-I've a wide range of leisure activities.

-He does jigsaws!

-I do hundreds of things.

I bet I did more sports in the army than you've ever heard of!

-Football, swimming, pole-vaulting...

-You never did pole-vaulting!

We knew this Polish feller. We tied him to the bed and vaulted over him.

-The girls'll be down soon. You know Brenda, don't you?

-I don't think so.

-You do!

-I don't know any Brendas.

-Ah!

-Oh, that Brenda!

-Hello, Bob.

-Hello, Brenda.

-Nice to see you, Terry.

-If they'd said your MAIDEN name...!

You're looking very pretty. You've certainly changed!

-I mean, you've changed from pretty, to even prettier.

-Thank you, Terry. You look well yourself.

-I am.

-Thelma, a drink?

-Sherry, Alan.

-And you, dear?

Yes, pet. Did the army do you good?

-Well, apart from this, yes.

-What's wrong with your leg?

-He never talks about it.

-Does it hurt?

Only when making love or pole-vaulting.

-Would you like to sit down?

-Cheers.

Well, well, well.

Well, reunion! Isn't it nice, after so many years, to be together again?

Yes, we haven't seen Alan and Brenda since Tuesday!

I mean with Terry here. It takes you back, doesn't it? To Park Juniors, 4B.

-We've come on since Park Juniors.

-YOU have. You lived over your dad's chip shop, near the glue factory.

Did your father have a fish and chip shop?

He did! A good 'un, and all, with big helpings and free batter.

I'd better see how things are doing.

Rock salmon and chips, is it? She was brought up on that.

I'm surprised you didn't get even more spots with all that vinegar.

-Would you give me an 'and, Alan?

-Yes. Excuse me.

-Certainly.

-You won't win prizes for tact, Terry.

-What do you mean?

-There are things Brenda doesn't want to remember. She's a bit...

-Stuck up?

What's wrong with getting money and forgetting the past?

She lived over a chip shop, but now she wants to batter, BETTER herself.

Her parents now live in Westcliff-on-Sea.

So if you MUST go down Memory Lane, leave off the chip shop!

-OK, OK!

-Promise?

-My lips are sealed.

CLATTERING

Dinner is served!

Now then, Thelma...

-You sit there.

-Here.

-And Bob there.

-Lovely.

-Terry, you sit here.

-Doesn't it look nice?

-Brenda! Fresh asparagus!

-Eeh! I could eat a horse between two bread vans.

-That's a nice way to put it!

-White, red or fizzy rose?

-Thelma prefers white.

-Yes.

-White, Terry?

-Have we a fondue set on our wedding list, pet?

-We will have tomorrow.

Alan's mother got it, at Harrods. She has an account.

-And these lovely mats! They're new!

-Hunting scenes!

They were a present from Auntie Elsie.

Your Auntie Elsie! How is she? Is she still a cleaner at the brewery?

-More food, anyone? Some Brie?

-Oh, I couldn't possibly! I must say, Brenda - you're a fantastic cook!

-Fantastic!

-Do you get this every night?

-No, we eat off our knees.

-We eat at the table.

-We eat at the table.

-It makes a change from rock salmon and chips, eh?

I'm sorry, Brenda. You can't help thinking about how things used to be. Right, Bob?

It makes you think, doesn't it? We're having a sophisticated supper party, with Tia Marias and mints.

The last place we ate together was school!

Well, Brenda's improved on cold ham, pease pudding and mashed potato!

-Ham, Thursday. Fish, Friday.

-Mince, Monday.

-Meat, Tuesday.

-What sort of meat?

-We weren't sure!

What was Wednesday?

-Monday, mince, Thursday, ham...

-Tuesday, meat...

Of course! It was cheese fondue, then gooseberry fool and wafer-thin mints.

-I loved that mashed potato!

-Me, too.

If you got a spoon and flicked it you could get half of 4A!

Oh!

-I'll do it!

-Will it come out all right?

-We'll have to hope so!

-It'll come out if I rub.

-I doubt it.

However, so much for Park Juniors. It can have no interest for Alan. Alan went to a PUBLIC school.

-A minor one.

-It was founded in 1776!

So imagine how draughty it was!

-It's a LEADING public school.

-No, a leading, minor, draughty one!

-Ah, happy days!

-Do you really think so?

-They were smashing days! It's when I met you!

-Aye.

-Was he a little terror?

I was top...in woodwork - and I was a monitor, and secretary of the Lonnie Donegan Appreciation Society.

-And chairman of Deirdre Birchwood's Fan Club.

-Deirdre?

-Who's she?

-Nice girl, big girl, advanced for her age.

You know all those questions about sex that parents wouldn't answer?

Deirdre would.

-She meant nothing!

-Her dad was the gardener. She smelt of weedkiller. Bob was in love with her.

I was not! I was in love with Little Mo Connolly and Claire Bloom.

They used to meet in the greenhouse. He came back once and a caterpillar fell out his pants.

I wasn't aware you went out with Deirdre.

-She was a common girl.

-I warned him about consorting with that girl.

It's lucky you didn't get greenfly.

-Let's leave the table.

-I must pop and have a s-s-swill.

First left - the light's above your head.

-What WAS for school dinner on Wednesdays?

-Mince Monday, Tuesday meat...

I've had enough of Park Juniors! We're all different people now.

Not necessarily! We might be older, we might have a few more possessions,

but we're the same people underneath.

If we were on a desert island we'd revert to the jungle law of Form 4B!

-Some quicker than others!

-What was Brenda like at school? Any secrets?

I gave Brenda my coronation mug, AND an autographed photo of Sherpa Tenzing.

-I can't remember.

-It doesn't matter anyway.

The autograph was fake. Terry sold it to me.

Why does 4B mean so much to you all? I've got memories, not very pleasant ones...

-You're not thinking of the boiler room, are you?

-What's this?

- Do we have to? - You were full of it then.

I was so upset. I was attacked by two boys in the boiler room. If it hadn't been for Janet...

Bob, what was the name of the girl who seduced us in the boiler room?

-How dare you?!

-Come on, it was years ago!

-It was monstrous! I was attacked!

-Attacked?

-In the boiler room.

-So were Bob and me! But for Janet...

-Memory Lane, you know, happy days!

You cling to the past, cos there's nothing in your future!

Your present is the pub and billiard hall!

Most of us develop as people, but YOU are an embarrassment to your family and friends!

Wait! He doesn't embarrass me! He might be coarse and vulgar...

-Are you with me or against me?

-Shut up! He might be rough at the edges.

He might have eaten the wrong end of his asparagus...

..but he's down-to-earth, and he's honest.

The good old days - those two, back in the saddle!

I think Bob's right.

-Are you taking Terry's side?

-I like a frank exchange of views.

Terry...Terry IS honest, and we seem to have lost that since Park Juniors. HE has no pretensions.

-He wouldn't deny living over a chip shop.

-I didn't live over a chip shop.

What are you implying, Thelma? That I am a snob?

- You're a huge snob and always were. - What a bitchy thing to say!

-It's true!

-I like lively discussion.

If I were such a snob, would I invite THAT for dinner?

You asked Terry because you measure how far you've come from Dog Lead Lane

by parading your possessions in front of an audience.

When people admire your carpets and fondue set, you wet your knickers!

I'm exhausted! I've walked miles!

-When I DID get a bus, it was standing room only.

-Oh, aye.

You've had another of your strenuous days, I see.

Why can't you use just ONE cup, and wash it each time?

Was Saturday night a mirage?

I thought I saw you shaved,

in a suit, off to dinner with nice people, but it was a dream.

-It turned into a nightmare.

-Have you sat in that chair all day?

-I went out for a bevvy and a bet.

-Dressed like that?

-For God's sake! I bet when Dad came back from the war you didn't nag him like this.

When Uncle Stan came back minus an arm,

you didn't go on about washing cups, and leaving artificial limbs about.

Well, they came back with their hair done.

They didn't lie inside all afternoon,

watching women's programmes on TV.

I'm honest, that's what I am, Mam. I'm down-to-earth.

-You'll never change, I know that.

-HELLO!

Only me! Hello, Mrs Collier.

How's Andy Capp?

If only you took an example from Bob.

If only you'd improve yourself.

The new, improved Terry Collier!

He'll never change!

"Zsa Zsa Gabor, Hungary's top sexport,

"likes men with style, panache, wit, and a natural sophistication."

-That's rubbed you out with Zsa Zsa!

-Not necessarily. Why shouldn't I be number six - or is it seven?

I can't see Mrs Zsa Zsa Collier having soirees of sophistication in your mam's front room.

"Guests dined till dawn rose over the pickle factory"(!)

-I wouldn't bring her here. I'd go over there!

-Where?

-The luxury hotel she was staying in.

It'd be embarrassing for her, up there sipping martini in the Cecil Beaton suite,

while you fought with the doorman.

One more crack about me, and you'll get an ex-army boot around your ear.

That's the wit that Zsa Zsa's after.

Bob, look... I'm not much good at this sort of thing but, er...

-Well, thanks for sticking up for us.

-That's OK, mate.

I appreciated that - and Thelma.

Thelma and I... Well, Thelma and me...in the past we haven't exactly...

Well, she was bloody marvellous.

You're a lucky lad. I hope you'll be happy, and I'm sorry I mentioned Deirdre's caterpillars.

That's all right. Thelma never could stand Brenda.

Not since I gave her my coronation mug and signed photo of Sherpa Tenzing.

I forged that.

I know. I remember what you wrote.

"Cheers, Terry - Sherpa Tenzing."

It leaves a bit of a hole in your social calendar on Saturday nights.

You can move Frank and Christine up, or Mike and Linda back from Friday.

I'll be free for a lads' night out.

I couldn't cope with you, mate - Mr White-Collar, in the grey suit!

I don't want you to change. Go on being as... Well, as forthright as you are.

-And as crude and pig-ignorant.

-I am not pig-ignorant. This is my seat of learning!

That box is the University of Life!

What have we learned, besides which end of asparagus you eat?

Do you know six useful Spanish phrases?

-Or how to build a dam in Syria? Or the metamorphosis of the frog?

-Do you?

-Certainly.

All right - what is the metamorphosis of the frog?

Well...

It starts out as little dots in the water.

Amoebas, they're called. Then...

-They're not amoebas.

-They are.

-They're not.

The amoeba's a primitive life form, too small to see.

Well, if they are too small to see,

how do you know they're not turning into frogs?

There's no answer to that. Go on, then.

-What next?

-Then you get frog spawn.

Then this thing develops two front legs, a head, and two back legs.

-That ends up as your tadpole.

-And after the tadpole?

-The tadpole turns into the frog.

-And then?

What?

And then?

And then it becomes a butterfly.

BOOM!

Intelfax Subtitles by Julia Watts for BBC Subtitling, 1995