Storm in a Tea Chest Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people we used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to the past? #

Oh! Oh, God!

I'm knackered.

-I've got a splinter.

-What about my bad back?

-What bad back?

-I've always had a bad back.

I suffer from a spinal weakness. I've been warned against lifting heavy objects.

-Lifting these'll strengthen it therapy, like.

-Only under medical supervision.

-I'm sorry but Dr Clark was too busy to supervise us humping tea chests.

-I might be doing it wrong.

I might make the wrong movements. It could be fatal.

-It hasn't done me cartilage any good.

-Make up your mind.

What do you mean?

Decide whether you're superbly fit or a crippled wreck. Mr Universe or a walking miracle.

I don't think I quite follow.

Just because I sustained serious injuries during time in the Army...

I don't think I follow you.

You're always on about pole-vaulting and commando karate,

but if there's any work you're a shadow of your former self,

kept alive by advanced medicine.

There's the gratitude I get for risking permanent injury to my spine.

If it isn't your spine, it's your leg or your cartilage,

or an attack of the dreaded Burmese malaria.

Amazing how friends turn on you.

The thought of my real friends kept me going in the forces.

Many's the time I've lain awake in the hot tropic night, alone with me memories,

me hand clasped around a can of anti-mosquito spray.

Tropics? You weren't east of Cyprus.

Officially.

Officially! You have to stop this military fantasy.

You were a lance corporal in the REME, not Lawrence of Arabia or Biggles.

Biggles was in the Air Force.

You weren't confined to one branch of the services(!)

You flew Phantoms after that spell in submarines(!)

I've done my bit, played my part and got a war wound to show for it.

Which war? You were in Germany, but they made the peace there in 1945.

You must have read about it. It was in all the papers.

There was no withering sarcasm before I helped with these chests.

Then it was, "Please, Terry" or, "Do you think you could see your way clear, Terry, old pal?"

-I'm doing this as a favour.

-You're doing it for beer!

I can drink a lot when I'm annoyed.

Let's have some tea. I'm parched.

-I'll make it. Got any milk?

-In the fridge.

This tea won't take the edge off my thirst.

Eee!

Eee!

Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.

Dib, dib, dib.

Boo! >

Hello, Thelma. I didn't expect you.

I got a lift to work so I brought the tea service. It's in the hall.

-How are you getting on?

-We made a start. Do you want tea?

-I haven't got time.

-What's this?

-Just some stuff.

Where are the new lamps, and the laundry basket? Where's anything?

-I haven't got round to those things.

-Well, you've got around to all this.

-What is it?

-They're my to... Just personal effects.

All this is personal effects? You think we're hoarding this in our new home?

They're my favourite things. That's my past in there.

I don't want your past in here. It isn't fit for indoors.

They're all souvenirs.

They're old books and broken toys. Be reasonable, we haven't got the cupboard space.

I'm not sweeping my heritage into a dustbin.

But these things are meaningless now.

We haven't got a spare room or an attic. We'd have to place them in the house.

Everyone'll see them.

Do you want friends to see our shelf units covered in Rupert annuals?

The Bumper Adventure Book for Boys!

Where shall we put Nudes of 1959? The guest room?

I'll make room...somewhere. In the garage, or I'll build a garden shed.

You've got no use for these. When did you last need the 1956 Picture Goer Annual?

-19...56.

-When do you anticipate looking at it again?

I might need it for reference.

-What sort of reference?

-Suppose you said,

"Remember that circus picture with Sophia Loren?"

I'd point out it was Gina Lollobrigida,

in Trapeze, also with Burt Lancaster and Gloria Grahame.

So we fill up our lovely home with useless remnants of your past

so every few years you can win some pointless argument about Gina Lollobrigida.

Are you keeping this for reference?

-And what about these?

-It'd be a shame to throw those out.

-One day you'll want to see the cars people used to drive.

-No, I won't.

Well, our...children might.

We won't have any children

because our nursery will have been turned into a museum to the 1950s.

People don't make Rileys anymore!

I don't want this a museum. I want nice pieces round me, not exhibits.

I want ornaments, not mementos.

-Brmm! Brmm!

-Stop playing with your Riley!

-Take them all away.

-Where to?

-Your mother's.

She's let my room to a student from Zambia and he doesn't want them.

Try the dustman or the childrens' hospital. I must go, I'm late. Bye.

And please, pet, all gone when I get back.

Don't give Nudes of 1959 to the kids' hospital.

-Coast clear, is it?

-Aye.

-Gloria Grahame wasn't in Trapeze.

-Gloria Grahame?

-It was the Greatest Show on Earth.

-She worked at Woolworths.

-

-That was Gloria Gaydon.

-I wonder what happened to her.

I've got a picture of her. I've got pictures of almost everyone we knew.

Oh, I deserve this, but.

-How're you feeling, mate?

-Better for this.

-How's your back?

-It's not so bad, thanks. Considering.

The leg, not too much pain?

It'll be all right if I keep it up. Why?

I was just wondering, like, if you might do me a favour.

Old pal.

Oh, just there. Lower! Lower down.

That's it! Ooh! God, tomorrow I'll have to see someone about meself.

You're in for a busy day then,

with the osteopath, the physio and the Hospital for Tropical Diseases.

More of your sarc and you'll need casualty.

Steady! You haven't got the knack.

I'm inhibited. What if me mother caught you with your pants down?

She doesn't care what goes on as long as you wipe your feet first.

-That's enough, man.

-Does it feel any better?

A little.

My hands might have hidden natural healing powers.

I had trouble with me back when I was in Germany.

I went to this health clinic near Munchen. Those girls had the knack.

Health clinic?!

It was a proper, respectable place with a Turkish bath and a receptionist in a white coat.

There was this girl there.

It was obvious she fancied me.

It was more than that. She was fond of me. She only charged half price.

Surely that was because there's so little of you to massage.

It was firm, supple muscle a welcome change,

instead of flabby Krauts reeking of garlic.

Her clients were fat businessmen from advertising agencies,

staggering in from their drunken lunches, puffing their long cigars.

Then one day...there was me.

A young soldier in a strange land.

She smiled and I smiled back.

-I knew. I could tell what she was thinking.

-"Good, I'll be home early tonight."

"How nice to stick my thumbs into something young."

Anyway, I started to see more and more of her.

Presumably she'd seen everything there was of you!

Surprising things developed I'd never felt before.

Like biceps!

I'm trying to tell you something serious how I met my wife.

Your wife. Ute?

I'm sorry, I didn't realise.

I thought it was another fantasy.

You never told me she was a masseur.

Masseuse.

-I meant that.

-A good 'un. She had a diploma.

Must have been a strange... courtship.

I suppose it was, seeing her twice a week with a towel round me waist.

I took two months to get up the nerve to ask her out. They aren't meant to see clients.

-It's a funny thing.

-What?

Our first date, we arranged to meet outside a cinema.

She walked straight past me.

She'd never seen me with me clothes on before.

-You don't often talk about her.

-Not often, no.

-You hardly ever mention her.

I know. It's just that times like this I think of her.

Times like what?

When me back's bloody killing me!

You relax, kid. I'll unpack this lot.

Unpack? I thought you had to get rid of it.

It's just until I decide where to put it.

You're a hoarder. You can't chuck anything away. This is still here.

-Mind his ear.

-His ear's the only thing left to hold on to.

What use is a bald, blind teddy with one arm and no squeak?

No use at all. That's not the point.

It's the first time you've seen him in ten years.

I haven't seen me Aunty for ten years

but that's no need to dump her on the corporation tip.

Do you remember my guinea pig Gregory?

Has he escaped?

-No, you fool, he died ten years ago.

-I bet you kept his ashes in a cuff-link box.

Remember how we used to race them, mine against yours?

-Never really got going.

-I don't think they're natural athletes.

HEY! Look at this.

Rommel's lot. Uncle Arthur took this off a dead soldier at Alamein.

With Arthur he wouldn't have been alive!

Do you see this rabbit?

-That is no ordinary rabbit.

-True.

-That is a luminous rabbit.

-Luminous?

-It glows.

-It doesn't look luminous to me.

Right, I'll prove it to you. Get up. Come on!

-You see?

-It's not very bright.

Bright enough to read a mucky book.

God, it's a wonder you didn't go blind.

-Look at this rub... That's a Riley, isn't it?

-Yes.

Look at all these records. Blimey!

Bo Diddley.

Fats Waller.

-Hey, hey! Buddy Holly.

-I had every Buddy Holly single ever made.

We didn't call them singles then, did we?

Do you remember our skiffle group?

-You on washboard.

-And kazoo.

-Big John Gibson on banjo.

Fats Gibson! Morris "Memphis" Hardacre on drums.

Well, drum. And me on tea chest.

That was the tea chest.

Never! Eeee.

-Dum, dum, dum, dum...

-Woaaaaa!

-I was the leader.

-I don't know why, seeing you're tone deaf.

Because it was my garden shed we practiced in.

Rob Ferris and the Wildcats!

It's hard to throw away golden oldies.

I know, man. I've got things I'd never throw away. They're precious.

I've got some lava

-from Vesuvius. It must be worth a fortune. I've had it years.

-This?

-Yes... How did you get my lava!

-It can't have been that precious.

You swapped it for a copy of Health and Beauty and some Allsorts.

-I want it back.

-Don't erupt!

No need to blow your top! Get it? Lava. Volcano. Blow your top!

-Ha, ha(!)

-All right, keep it!

Keep your lava and I'll keep my Henry.

-Well, it's valuable, sentimentally.

-So's this. Throwing it out would be like losing a limb.

-Of course it would.

-If only Thelma understood.

She should! Thelma is wrong and you are right.

This is a tribute to your past. Money can't buy this.

You can't put a price on lumps of lava.

Absolutely. Henry stays and so does everything else.

Quite right!

Not here. Not with the new lodger.

They should be in your new home. Tell Thelma.

-Where you go, they go.

-I knew you'd understand, old friend.

-Old pal!

-God, what have I said?

PHONE PIPS AND CUTS OFF

-I didn't need it.

-Short call?

-To the point.

-What did you say?

I'm not giving up my heritage. Where those things go, I go.

-Well put. What did she say?

-She gave me one of her ominous silences.

-So what did you do?

-I gave her one of mine.

-Pretty pointless, then.

-It made a point. Then the pips went.

-Cheers!

-Cheers! Next we'll move the dining-room table.

-Give us a chance.

-Is the back still bad?

-I can't bend it.

At darts I couldn't raise me eyes to see double top.

-No trouble raising a pint.

-I earned it!

You don't think I'm being unreasonable, do you?

I'm not humping all that stuff back.

I don't think it's unreasonable.

-It'd be dangerous...

-She's being unreasonable.

-The strain.

-But then, we haven't got the space.

-..Slip a disc.

-And it is OUR new house.

-..On me back for months.

I am. I am being unreasonable.

Encased in plaster from head to foot.

-Am I being unreasonable?

-What? Unreasonable about what?

Asking you to hump the stuff back?

Terry!

They've all gone. I've been robbed!

One luminous what, sir?

Bunny...

..rabbit.

What function might that usefully perform? Just out of interest.

It glows in the dark.

You can read things under the bedclothes.

One rabbit

luminous.

There's a guinea pig cage.

No guinea pig, just the cage.

One cage

guinea pig, uninhabited.

-Is there anything I've forgotten?

-Three sheets of foolscap's enough!

We'll get this list circulated.

-Good job you had that lava in your pocket.

-Lava?

Yes, from a volcano...Vesuvius. It was in me pocket.

Yes, that was fortunate, wasn't it?

What are my chances? Those things are precious to me.

-I can see that.

-Can you give me an idea?

For some time we've suspected that robberies in this area were being masterminded by Mr Big.

This only confirms our suspicions.

Or it might be a mob from the Smoke.

We'll keep you informed, sir.

CID.

Charlie? Listen, you're not going to believe this...

-Thelma!

-I brought these round. You were too busy running your souvenir shuttle service.

Thank God you didn't come earlier. They might have beaten you up or... worse.

-Who might?

-The thieves, villains! We've been robbed!

-Robbed?

-They've taken my tea chests.

-It was Reverend Newman.

-What?

And the curate with the bicycle clips.

-Reverend Newman?

-Think what he does with the collection plates all the time.

Thieves would leave the cooker, my print of Bernard Buffet's Clown and take two chests of rubbish?

But why? Why the clergy?

I asked if he wanted stuff for the jumble sale for War on Want.

Jumble sale? What sort of people will get my things?

They're parishioners. Christians.

There's a very dodgy lot on that jumble-sale circuit.

Thelma, how could you?

-Where are you going?

-I'll put the kettle on.

I said, Thelma, how could you?

How dare you give me an ultimatum?

Just for the record I came round to take them back for YOUR sake.

-I'd decided it was selfish.

-Had you?

Yes, I had. I decided to burn them, or bury them or drown them in the canal,

even though they were my most treasured possessions.

-You make me feel awful. I've been selfish.

-No. You were right and I was wrong.

-We haven't got the space.

-We have.

We'll build a shed or stuff them in the airing cupboard.

-No.

-Don't argue, pet, really.

Our kiddy'll love playing with your Dinky toys,

or finding out that Gloria Grahame was in Trapeze.

Oh, she wasn't. I was wrong.

That proves we need reference books.

Get them back. They won't be sold yet.

-Pet, are you sure?

-I'm positive.

-Love and peace is the message now, is it?

-Terry, love.

I hope I didn't put your back up.

Oh, no. Out, but not up.

You are kind. You won't mind helping Bobby bring those things back once more.

-Thanks again for your generosity.

-My privilege, Vicar.

Five bloody quid for my bloody things.

The stuff's contained in two tea chests?

Will apprehend. Over and out.

-Subtle(!)

-Subtle as an air raid.

All right, lads. No fuss, eh? No sweat. Fair cop.

-Pardon?

-Pardon?

It all falls into place, now. Insurance swindle, wasn't it?

You two and your collaborators from the clergy were out to do Lloyds for half a million.

-We're very sorry.

-Don't butter me up, lad.

-Sir, I'm very... We're both very sorry for...

-Lads!

Please.

When you're as overworked as we are with too few policemen chasing too many villains,

too few bobbies chasing too many parking offenders,

when you've got to cope with demos and break-ins and break-outs,

lost cats and flashers and fairies and false alarms,

and allegations of police brutality...

it's a welcome change to be frigged about by idiots.

Out!

HEY!

What about that lot?

-You didn't have to.

-I did.

-I did it for my marriage.

-She said you could keep them!

It'll be different when she wants space for the wedding presents.

It would have been a bone of contention between us.

-This is the best way.

-Don't take it so hard.

-TEARFULLY

-It's all right. After all, they're just a load of rubbish.

How do you feel, mate?

Pretty terrible, but don't you worry.

How's the pain? Still severe?

Spreading...

round me shoulders and down me legs.

Still, it'll be worse tomorrow.

I'm to blame. It's my fault.

I'll slip a disc for a friend. Henry doesn't look too clever.

Travel sickness, I expect.

Why is he bald?

Don't you remember? We used to play hairdressers.

-That how he lost his ear, an' all?

-.

No. He lost that the same time as he lost his arm.

We put him through mother's mangle.

What a terrible thing to do!

Well, we were interrogating him at the time.

Did he talk...I mean squeak?

No, nor ever since.

It's guilt makes you keep him, not sentiment.

Shut up, man. I've had enough of sentiment for one day.

-What's all this stuff?

-It's not one of ours.

Must be stuff Thelma's brought round.

-Hockey stick!

-She doesn't still play, does she?

Not for ten years.

-Kaleidoscope.

-One panda, black and white, squeak intact.

-One neckerchief, navy blue.

-Girl Guides.

One record, LP, The World of Billy Fury.

-One book, Five on Kirrin Island.

-Little Women.

Paperweight, Eiffel Tower.

One doll, gingham knickers.

One music box, no music.

-Another paperweight, snow scene.

-One pair of Y-fronts, male.

-Male Y-front's?

-Probably Billy Fury's.

She's got a nerve bringing this junk round here.

We haven't got cupboard space for it. Why does she need a pet panda?

You went out of your way to be reasonable. This is unreasonable.

-I have been reasonable.

-A typical selfish female attitude.

-She has been unreasonable.

-If I was you I'd pack it up and dump it on her doorstep.

-Would you?

I'd dump it

on her doorstep...

Thanks, Terry, old friend. Old pal.

Intelfax Subtitles by Kate Shaw for BBC Subtitling, 1995