Conduct Unbecoming Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to...

# ..the past? #

I must take into consideration that this is the second time in a matter of weeks

you have appeared in court to face a charge of disorderly conduct.

Both times the circumstances were the same - rowdyism and brawling.

-It appears that you are something of a public nuisance, Mr...

-Collier.

-Pardon?

-Collier.

Mr Collier, yes.

As in pit.

Pit? What...?

-INAUDIBLE WHISPER

-I understand.

With two 'L's.

-Quite. Now, where were we?

-Public nuisance, my lord.

-This isn't the Old Bailey. "Sir" will suffice.

-Oh, sorry, sir.

-Right. Where was I?

-Public nuisance.

Yes. And I see that on both occasions

you used abusive language and assaulted the arresting officer.

I did struggle. So would you, if he tried to kick you in the goolies.

I beg your pardon.

I was just protecting me interests.

Are you... Are you claiming self-defence?

Yes, I am. I was provoked by Scaife.

I didn't start anything. I don't look for trouble.

I wouldn't, sir.

Well, a man in my position... It wouldn't be wise - violence.

It's the army, you see. I only recently came out and...

Well, I've not been a well man since the army.

Service and duty took its toll, sir.

I know it is alleged that I kicked Mr Scaife and Constable McKie,

but I've enough difficulty getting upstairs with this leg.

What exactly is the matter with the leg?

I never talk about it, sir.

Service and duty.

But I'm not a bitter man. I'm not bitter.

-Nobody forced me into the army. I volunteered.

-Is this relevant?

Nor can I blame Mr Scaife, here.

He didn't know, when he launched the violent and unprovoked assault,

-that I was a wounded ex-serviceman.

-You lying Arab!

Quiet!

-I've got bruises from him!

-Get out!

-Me, too!

-Order! Could we have some order?

-I was trying to say...

-You were trying to say something else?

Only that I haven't been able to get employment since the army.

It's ironical. You do your bit and you're tossed on the scrap heap.

Same with me father in 1946. After El Alamein, straight on the dole.

You can't buy powdered egg with a George medal.

-Has he finished?

-Yes, I think so.

May we leave aside the glorious military history of your family

and concentrate on last night?

Constable McKie and the landlord of the Drift Inn gave evidence

that you caused considerable damage to persons and to private property.

A table was broken, stock was destroyed,

and a mirror was shattered by a bottle you threw.

That was an accident. The bottle was for Scaife.

God! No buttons left on this shirt!

And me jacket's ruined. Fat chance of getting another one. £25 fine!

-Which I paid.

-You'll get your money.

-One hopes so.

-Fancy a cup of tea?

-Might as well.

What's the matter? You've hardly said a word. I was the one fined and bound over.

You could have got probation.

Did you see that little probation officer? She wasn't bad!

If she put some lipstick on and let her hair down... Ooh, get in there!

Don't you feel any remorse or shame at your appalling behaviour?

Why should I? I don't look for trouble.

Drunk and disorderly. A public nuisance. Doesn't it bother you?

It wasn't my fault. He insulted me.

It was a pointless brawl after a pointless argument.

-You could have stepped away from it.

-Rubbish.

Do you remember what it was about?

Course I do! He said... He inferred...

Well, he made out...

Was it about religion?

-It started when you said Middlesbrough were a bunch of cloggers.

-They are.

Which led to the role of the TUC in modern society,

which led to the role of Yugoslavia in the war,

which naturally led to a discussion about Janice Wainwright's knockers.

Janice Wainwright? She hasn't got any!

That's what you alleged. Her fiance, Dougie Scaife, took exception.

He's engaged to...? He needs his head examining.

He does after the battering you gave him.

Janice Wainwright. Well, I never! We really had a barney about her?

Apparently. It was like a John Wayne movie.

There's not a mark on me. Not a mark!

Did you see him in court? All puffed up and bruised.

-Nine times out of ten he'd murder you.

-Like hell!

But he mistakenly assumed you'd fight fairly.

How do you know I didn't? You were in the lavatory keeping well out of it.

-Pardon?

-Keeping well out of it!

-I don't follow.

-I'm only saying...

-Saying what?

When some of us are in a tight spot, SOME of us conveniently go to the lavatory.

I wanted to go.

You'd only been ten minutes earlier.

-I hadn't!

-You had!

-I hadn't. I did leave the room.

I'd left me car unlocked and in it was my theodolite.

-Who'd pinch your theodolite?

-Anyone round there. They pinch owt.

-Anyhow, I'm just saying.

-Look, I'm not a coward, Terry.

-I just don't get involved in other people's arguments.

-No, we noticed.

-It won't work.

-What?

Trying to provoke me. I'm a man of reason. I don't fly off the handle.

No.

You sulk.

-Pardon?

-You just sulk.

The world would be a better place if people sulked instead of dropping bombs.

All right, I lose my temper, but I soon get over it.

Whereas you, you go on sulking and harbouring grudges for days.

You're doing it now.

-I AM NOT!

-Temper, temper!

-Whatever I am, you are a violent aggressive person.

-Ahh.

-You are!

It's always there, near the surface.

Our first day at Byegate Infants, you split my head open with a brick.

You stole my Plasticine.

No excuse for splitting my head open.

You see? You've sulked about that all these years, haven't you?

You should have hit me back. Instead you tell your mother.

Of course I told her. What could I say? I had blood pouring down me new Airtex shirt.

What am I supposed to say? I cut myself shaving?

Anyhow I'm not violent and aggressive. I don't go looking for trouble.

Every hooligan thrown out of a football ground says that. You're a criminal.

-Don't be stupid!

-You are, Terry.

Convicted twice within weeks. Not to mention juvenile court.

Juvenile court? That's just kids' stuff.

Nicking Dinky toys from Woolworth's. Every kid did that, even you.

Except when we did it you didn't get caught.

You were probably in the lavatory.

You may have forgotten, but tonight we were supposed to be going on a date -

a foursome, with Anthea from the library.

I had forgotten. She's got a nice body, that Anthea...for a librarian.

What will she think? We arranged it because, in Thelma's words, "Isn't Terry improving?"

What will she think? Nice girl going out with a common criminal.

Her father is secretary of the bowling club.

-She isn't going to know.

-Course she is. It'll be in the papers.

Terence Daniel Collier, unemployed, was bound over and fined 25 quid.

-It'll be in the papers?

-Course!

Howay! Let's get the lunch-time edition!

I hope you like Terry, pet.

I hope you don't find him too... It's just sometimes he...

I mean he's not always...

First you said what an awful fellow Terry was, then you said you'd misjudged him.

You've changed back again. Why, Thelma?

He has got his good points, but just don't expect Cary Grant.

After what you've said I'm expecting the creature from the black lagoon.

-Here we are, girls. Cheers!

-Cheers!

Doesn't it do well, this place? It's never not full.

-I was just saying, Terry's late.

-Well, he's probably in some brawl.

-Bob!

-It's no good pretending it didn't happen because it did.

-I'm sorry, Anthea. I hope your father doesn't find out.

-Be quiet.

Talk about something else.

They're planting rhododendrons round the Civic Centre.

-Hello! Here's Terry. Well!

-I was at the doctor's. You know how they keep you waiting.

-This is Anthea.

-We met once, briefly.

-Briefly, yes.

-Is this mine?

-Yes, cheers.

-Why were you there?

-Me ribs.

-Ribs?

-They're bruised. Bruised ribs.

-Bob!

-I'm just asking. I thought you were unmarked.

Talk about something else. Those rhododendrons?

Thelma, don't pretend it didn't happen. I'm sure you read the paper.

I shouldn't have got involved but I was provoked.

Did you land him one?

-Pardon?

-Did you really land him one? Biff!

Yes, I did. More than one, in fact.

-Is he bigger than you?

-Aye, he's a big lad, Dougie.

Bruised ribs. How brave!

Well, I've... I didn't notice at the time.

-It must have been fantastic.

-I wasn't there.

He was well out of it.

-You were in the thick of it?

-Aye, well.

-Damages.

-Pardon?

-The paper reported damages... to the pub.

-You saw the paper?

-It was quite prominent, page two.

-They spelt my name wrong - one 'L'.

-Quite a spread.

-Quite a fight!

I wish I'd been there.

You astonish me. I never thought a girl like you...

I like a good punch-up.

I've not seen a decent one since the rockers destroyed the floral clock.

-Violence appals me.

-And me.

There's a tendency to glamorise violence. I don't subscribe to it.

-Except when you're driving.

-Pardon?

-You get rid of all your violent feelings behind the wheel.

-I do not.

You do! You always rev up and toot your hooter and hurl abuse at some innocent pedestrian.

-Yes, that's quite true.

-It's what?!

What are you talking about?

He's a different person in the car.

-I'm a careful road-user.

-You're aggressive and rude.

What you said to the lollipop man the other... In front of a crocodile of mixed infants!

There's nothing wrong with my driving!

You took ages to pass your test!

Change the subject. There's two things men can't take criticism about. One of them's driving!

-What's the other one?

-Oh, Anthea.

-Oh! Oh, yeah.

Got your L-plates off the bed yet?

I'll L-plate you in a minute!

-Oh! Muhammad Ali, all of a sudden!

-Seconds out! Ding! Ding!

Anthea, it isn't funny, actually.

Not if you've seen violence like I have.

Have you?

Oh, yes. I have seen merchant seamen, inflamed on duty-free gin,

brawling in the streets of Bergen brandishing broken bottles. I was terrified.

-When?

-I went with Susan on that cruise to Norway.

-I thought you went to Italy.

-I did, but I also went to Norway.

And you saw seamen...brawling?

In the back streets of Bergen, yes.

Well, you never told us about this. Did they... Did they... molest you or anything?

-Aye, did they?

-Almost. It wasn't as if you were there to protect me.

He's no use! He'd have been in the nearest Bergen bog!

Two fellas fought over me on a day trip to Bridlington. It was very romantic.

It was two brothers and the winner was going to marry me.

They fought for ages and there was blood all over their cord trousers.

It was very romantic.

-Who won?

-I didn't wait to find out.

I went off with Derek Addy. He took me on the ghost train and bought me candyfloss.

-You read that article I gave you, didn't you, Bob?

-What article?

-It was in the colour supplement, about Konrad Lorenz.

-Oh, yes.

He studied aggression in animals and applied what he learned to humans.

-Geese.

-Pardon?

He talks to geese. He pretends he's a goose and he talks to geese.

He talks to geese?

-Yes, he gets in the water and he...

-Talks to geese.

-They think he's their mother.

-Mother Goose!

He learns from them because, like Terry, they're aggressive creatures.

More remarks like that and I'll stick one on you, Ferris.

See?

Haven't you been chased by a goose?

Not since Thursday.

Seriously. They're often used to guard farms.

They make very good watch-geese-dogs.

-Oh, don't look now.

-Eh? What? Oh, is it!

-What is it?

-Dougie Scaife.

-Who?

-The bloke he had the fight with.

-Really?

-Don't look now, Anthea.

He's a big lad. You did well there.

-Who's the girl?

-Janice Wainwright.

-Who?

-She was the cause of the fight.

-Her?

-The size of her chest measurements.

And Yugoslavia's role in the war.

-He's seen us.

-Don't start anything. I come here a lot.

-I don't go looking for trouble.

What were you saying about rhododendrons?

-I'm going to the lavatory.

-Sit down!

-Aye, night out is it?

-Looks like it.

All right, Bob.

Grand. Hello, Janice. You're looking pretty.

What a lovely chest...I mean dress.

-This the girlfriend?

-You could say.

Better than your usual slags. y

Aye, cut above.

-We've got some business to settle. Can't leave it like that.

-No.

Any time, Terry.

Not in here, Dougie. Not at these prices.

I was just saying, it's never not full, this place. Never not full!

Big car park out the back.

I want a gin before you start.

Nobody's starting anything, Janice.

My round. What are you having?

-Vodka and bitter lemon.

-Bloody Mary, thanks.

Lost your bottle, Terry?

What about that, then? What about that?

-Terry behaved impeccably.

-He did.

Like Alan Ladd in Shane.

Such dignity to turn the other cheek while his insides churned with anger.

-My insides are churning, too. I really do need the lav...

-As Anthea said, such dignity.

-He didn't want to start it in here.

-It's not that. He's learned to curb his aggressive instincts.

-There you are, vodka and lemon, Bloody Mary.

-Thank you, Terry.

-Pardon?

-Thank you.

-For turning the other cheek.

-Curbing your aggression.

Oh, that! Well, he's got all his mates with him.

He'll be in the Ship.

If I catch him alone, I'll kick his bloody teeth in!

I am appealing to you to forget it. Is it worth it? What's the point?

-Unfinished business.

-Leave it unfinished.

Can't. It has to be settled sooner or later. I get him or he gets me.

Why?

The Dougie Scaifes of the world understand one language - the boot!

I'll get mine in first. Pass us a clean hanky.

-What for? It'll be covered in blood in half an hour.

-Aye, his.

-Does this tie go with this suit?

-That's your best suit.

What do you mean? It's me ONLY suit.

I always wear it on a Friday night.

You're going to have a fight.

-Want me to wear boxing shorts and a silk dressing gown?

-I give up.

I'm a man of reason but I give up.

-Right, matches, fags...

-Hatchet, knuckle-dusters, bike chain...

These are all I need.

-I'm not coming.

-Didn't expect you would.

-Pardon?

-Never dreamed of it.

-What?

-Well, it's not your fight.

-No, it isn't.

Violence appals me.

Well, you just go home and talk to your geese.

I suppose she'll be down there - Anthea.

She'll be there with a ringside seat and a stopwatch.

I said to her, "It's people like you who encourage people like him."

She's got bottle, for a librarian.

Well, I wash me hands of you.

-Please yourself. You're going to sit and sulk?

-I'll let myself out.

-See you tomorrow.

-It depends, doesn't it?

-On what?

-If I've time to go to the hospital.

Aha!

Aha!

You got yourself down here, did you?

-Things to be settled. You said so yourself.

-Oh, did I?

You were full of it last night.

Well, any time, Terry.

Any time, Dougie.

Do you want a beer?

Aye, I'll have a pint of Special.

Pint of Special, Ted.

It's all right, man. Get on with your dominoes.

-Fag?

-Oh, ta.

You know, you're not a bad lad.

You're not a bad lad yourself.

-I've never had anything personal.

-No. No. Course not.

That's settled, then.

Looks like it.

Cheers!

-I prefer drinking to fighting.

-Me an' all. No hard feelings?

-Certainly not!

-Good lad!

Look...sorry if I said anything about your Janice.

-Did you?

-Apparently. She's canny, I've always thought so.

-I fancied yours last night. Cut above!

-I've got high hopes there.

After this pint, do you fancy popping down to the Fat Ox?

We could go to the Railway, an' all.

-We'll miss the Drift Inn.

-We'd not be welcome!

-Hey, canny barney, though. Wasn't it?

-Ha! Cracker!

-Get that down you!

-I'm just going to have a Jimmy Riddle.

-Good lad.

-Where's Terry?

-Eh?

-What did you do with Terry?

-What?

-Look, Doug.

I mean, I'm not a man of violence. It appals me, it always has.

I don't see the sense in it. I never have.

It has to be said, Doug, you're not the friendliest of men.

I'm assuming that even you can listen to reason, to common sense.

I mean, we're not animals, Doug.

If we can't listen to reason, where are we?

Do I make myself clear?

Agh!

-You tweaked my bloody nose!

-I'll pull it off!

-Will you hell!

-Aggghhh!

-Pull it off, will you? Eh?

-Agghh!

I've said before and I'll say again, we cannot tolerate this behaviour.

No, sir.

People cannot walk the streets or enjoy a quiet evening without the threat of violence.

Have you anything to say?

I didn't go there to start a fight, it was to stop one.

I'm not a violent man. I'm a man of peace, a man of reason.

I mean, violence appals me.

Ask anyone. Ask Mr Scaife, there.

-There you are. Get that down you.

-Cheers.

Oh, come on, cheer up!

Oh, happy day.

-I've never been here of a lunch time.

-There's not many places we CAN go.

This is one of the few places where we'll get a welcome.

Our social life's taken a knock.

I'll be banned from lots of things.

My application to the Round Table - forget it!

They won't renew my subscription to the badminton club.

-It'll be in the papers.

-It might not. With luck it might not!

-It's bound to be.

-Why?

-I was.

You're better material than me.

All the stuff that came out in court - unblemished record, ex-Queen's Scout.

The papers love all that. It might make the dailies.

The News of the World - "Shame of Ex-Queen's Scout!"

Shut up! It's bad enough. I've got to face Thelma.

"Shame of Ex-Queen's Scout's Wife!"

Stop being so flippant and facetious.

I'll have a criminal record - it'll have repercussions.

What difference will it make?

It makes a lot of difference.

It stops you doing lots of things,

like serving on a jury or getting a dog licence or a visa for Romania.

Who wants to go to Romania?

We were going there this summer to see the beauties of the Balkans.

Eleven days, £43 inclusive.

-That's very reasonable.

-We won't be seeing it now, will we?

It's nothing - a £10 fine for a punch-up in the Ship.

Those forms ask if you've ever been convicted. There's only room for yes or no.

You can't say, "Yes, but I was only blah blah blah."

If it's yes, conviction, it could be anything -

rape, arson, armed robbery.

Aye, even armed robbery. Anything's possible now.

-Pardon?

-You can handle yourself.

What I saw of it last night, I was not unimpressed at all. You got in there first.

No, I did not! I was retaliating.

As you could have seen, if you hadn't been in the lavatory.

Well out of it, you, weren't you?

You did well enough on your own, Bob.

You must teach me your method of fighting. You confused Dougie.

He's a mean street fighter with all the tricks.

I bet he's not been hit by a pickled onion before.

I'm not proud of what happened.

I'm a man of peace, a man of reason.

I'm not proud I sank to your level.

Just as well you got in first or he'd have half killed you.

-Pardon?

-He'd have half killed you.

Were you in court? He had the bandage round his head. That was my lethal chop.

That was the edge of the domino table.

Look, I can manage. Can you see a mark, son? I can manage.

Welterweight at school, wasn't I?

-I was.

-That was years ago.

You don't forget the fundamentals. Come on!

-Watch it!

-Where's your guard?

Intelfax Subtitles by Kate Shaw for BBC Subtitling, 1995