The Go-Between Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over, Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to...

# The past? #

Terry!

-< MUFFLED SHOUT

-I'm home!

Tut, tut, tut!

Just look at this place!

Hello, pet. Had a good day at the office? Drink that while it's hot.

Is this SUPPOSED to be here?

I must've left them after my snack.

And don't put fags in the plant pot.

I was answering the door. It was a lady in galoshes from War On Want.

That doesn't live there, does it?

It's there because I'm trying to do everything at once.

Answering the door, cleaning, doing dinner...

I've not stopped today, I've not stopped!

-Did Thelma ring?

-No.

-Did she call round?

Not unless it was while I was shopping.

I waited 15 minutes at the butcher's!

-Are you sure she didn't ring?

-Not unless I was out. Your friends Maurice and Pauline rang.

-Will you go to their anniversary?

-Oh, yes.

-I said no.

What?

-On your behalf.

-I'd like to go, to get myself out of myself.

The invitation was for you and Thelma as a couple, which no longer exists, so I turned it down.

-I'M going.

-What do you mean?

To make the numbers up. They're two short now.

When they know you're separated...

We're not separated, we're estranged. You'd no right to say no. You're not my social secretary!

You're here to give me strength in a difficult period of my life,

to cheer me up, and cook my dinner... Where is it?

It'll be ready soon. I've slaved over a hot stove all afternoon.

-You forgot to turn it off?

-Pardon?

It's because you forgot to turn it off that you burned that non-stick pan!

It was a wedding present from Doreen and Tom.

Well, it said on the packet, "Simmer gently."

Yes, for seven minutes, not four hours.

-Well, I forgot.

-Just like you forgot to put water in the poacher.

That was a wedding present, too, from Brian and Ann.

-Who gave you the pop-up toaster?

-Pam and Ivor.

Why?

Well, that's knackered now.

..How? How can you break a toaster?

You put bread in and press a lever. Even YOU can't break a toaster.

-It wasn't exactly bread I put in it.

-What was it?

Chops.

..You put chops in the toaster?!

For your dinner, to de-freeze them. It seemed the best way of doing it.

You leave them out for a few hours, and then shove them under the grill.

I didn't know how. I can't work gas.

And what were you doing with chops? You said we were gonna have liver and bacon - and semolina pudding.

We WERE,

till I lost the liver.

How can you lose liver?

Either it's in the garbage disposal, or the cat ate it.

-The cat went missing last night.

-Maybe HE'S in the garbage disposal.

Dear me! What's that smell? Is somebody burning rubbish?

No, it's me! I'm burning semolina!

-Oh, God!

-Look at this kitchen! Dear me! Look at this grease!

You'd need a knife to get that off!

Excuse me!

-C-R-A-C-K!

-Oh, dear!

Now what?

The dish has cracked.

-Has it?

-Was that a wedding present?

-Yes, from Auntie Beattie.

-She won't know. She doesn't get out, with her bad leg.

-I'll give you the list.

-What list?

Of the presents. You can work your way through it.

Look at the table!

-I'm doing my best. I'm not the Galloping Gourmet!

-I'm sorry. I know you're not!

-I mean!

-I've said I'm sorry!

Look, a tin of apricots! We'll have them.

-I'm not hungry.

-And there's some bacon. We could have bacon and...apricots.

-I'd rather not.

-I suppose it's times like these that you miss Thelma the most.

When you come home for a casserole and a cuddle.

I noticed that when I left my wife. Mealtimes and bedtimes are hardest.

-Aren't they?

-Yes, bedtime is worst.

It's such a big bed without Thelma!

It's got a slope I'd not noticed before. I keep rolling to the edge!

Before, I'd just roll into Thelma. I'm not sleeping.

-Not sleeping?!

-No.

-You snore awake, do you?

-Pardon?

-You were making a racket last night.

-I'd only just got off.

-You were hard enough to wake when I brought your tea.

-I'd just got off.

-You were asleep when I went for a Jimmy Riddle.

I am NOT sleeping! Look at my eyes!

-Not enough iron. The liver'll put you right.

-But you lost the liver!

-Oh, aye. Let's go out for a meal.

-No, thanks.

We'll go to the Kashmir. You love curry!

-You hate it.

-They do egg and chips.

-I hate that.

-What? Egg and chips?

People in Indian restaurants eating egg and chips. It insults Indians.

They come from Kashmir with exotic spices, and then YOU come in for egg and chips and a pint of lager.

-It's embarrassing.

-It says on the window: "Anglo-Indian cuisine".

And the people that run it aren't from Kashmir, they're from South Shields.

His granddad fought on the Northwest Frontier.

Well, he must have meant Cumberland.

He might wear a turban, but he's a third-generation Geordie.

He still has an Indian's heritage and sensitivity.

I don't like going with people who order English food,

and call the waiters "Gungadin".

I never knew you were such an Indian lover.

I pity any waiter with you around. I won't go back to Don Luigi's after going with you.

No sense of humour, these Italians.

They have, Terry. They're famed for their fun-loving, warm hospitality.

They just get bored with constant jokes about the Mafia.

Much as the manager of the Golden Dragon disliked being called Kung-fu.

We'll go to an ordinary English steak house, or we can get fish and chips.

-We can go to the Wheatsheaf later. They'll have music.

-I don't want to.

I've worked my fingers to the bone. I'm entitled to be taken out.

-You sound like my wife.

-I feel like your rotten wife!

I see why she left now. You care more for Indians and Chinamen!

Is that a nice thing to tell a man who's just separated from his wife?

-Estranged.

-I am grief-stricken. I'm going through a very traumatic period.

Some people use it as an excuse to get drunk and chase spare. I'm sure YOU did.

I did, as a matter of fact. Did me a world of good.

Well, we're different people, Terry. I take things more seriously. I feel things more deeply.

I haven't got your...insensitivity.

I'm not very clear about anything at the moment, except that I love Thelma and I wish she was here.

Oh, come on, kidder. Things'll work out.

Cheer up, Bob! You'll end up with your head in the gas oven!

Not that one - it's filthy!

I wouldn't be seen dead in that gas oven!

-Hello, Thelma.

-Hello! How are you?

-Bit of a cold.

-And the children?

-Fleur has earache, and Wayne has his chest.

-How's Ernie?

-He's got some allergy, but we're fine in ourselves.

Look, I don't want you to think... I can't pretend I haven't heard - about you and Bob.

That Bob... That things...

-That I've left Bob?

-I didn't know it was that drastic.

-I'm at my mother's and he's at home with your brother.

-Our Terry?!

-What's HE been up to?

-It's not his fault entirely. He's just staying there.

-Well, it can't make things easier.

-It doesn't help.

Thank you.

I don't want you to think I'm someone you don't see for ages...

-No..

-..who turns up when disaster strikes. But if there's anything I can do, please don't hesitate.

I'm familiar with this. It isn't all plain sailing with our Ernie.

It's hard being married to an alcoholic hairdresser.

-He's not an alcoholic.

-He drinks too much too often. That's alcoholic!

Our problem isn't Bob's drinking.

I didn't mean to infer, but don't hesitate. Come over tonight if you like.

-No, I'll stay in.

-Get yourself out of yourself.

So everyone says. What's it mean?

-If you change your mind, don't hesitate.

-Thanks, Audrey.

We must sort it out for ourselves, but it's sweet of you.

Well, what are friends for, pet?

-Just one thing.

-Yes?

-You're 26p overdue.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

-I've found the liver.

-Where was it?

In my raincoat pocket.

Oh, yes! I wore it to the butcher's.

It was dripping blood on the new carpet.

-Cold water's best for blood.

-Why did you wear my mac?

-Mine's at home!

-Why did you wear my new one? Why not my old one?

I gave it to the lady from War On Want.

My lovely old mac? I've had that for years.

Yes, that's why I gave it away.

-I want it back!

-Don't be stupid. It'll be halfway to Kashmir by now!

My extendable steel rule was in it.

They'll find a good use for it. Shall I cook that liver for you?

Not now. It'll be all fluffy and taste of gaberdine.

It'll do for the cat if we ever find him.

-Don't worry about the cat.

-I DO worry about him.

He's not ours. I'm just looking after him for the people next door who are at a wedding in Pontefract.

What do I say when they ask for Ginger?

"I'm not sure. He's disappeared. He might be in the waste disposal."

I'm not SURE that he is. It just made a very funny noise.

Yes, well, they always do.

Yes, but it sort of went...YIAOW!

Not funny, Terry. Not funny one bit.

-No sense of humour!

-And you haven't cleaned the oven.

-I'll do it in the morning.

-Can I ask a question?

-What?

Why, at 8.30, are you in a dressing gown?

-I've had a bath.

-I hope you wiped it round after you.

-I always do.

You can't get me for that. I haven't had a bath.

I noticed.

-Pardon?

-Three days you've been here without a bath.

-I've had no time.

-You have, late at night.

-I didn't want to wake you.

-I'm not sleeping, remember?

Look, get dressed. Let's go for a drink.

-I've just had a bath.

-We've got the car.

I just want a quiet evening with the TV.

-There's nothing on.

-There must be.

-I've had a look.

You've got mental health, accidents at home or wildlife up the Amazon.

Avoid that - the spiders'd give you nightmares.

-How can they when I'm not sleeping?

-There's a Party Political Broadcast. That could be a laugh.

-That's not on, is it?

-All three channels!

Dear me, what a terrible night!

There's a film on. "A Polish masterpiece..."

-Quite - with subtitles.

-What a terrible night!

-Come for a drink. Get yourself out of yourself.

-Thelma might ring.

Look,

if you want to speak to Thelma, ring her!

I've got my pride. I'm not speaking to her.

So why are you waiting in in case she rings?

To make it clear I'm not speaking to her. She left me, remember? I did not leave her, she left me.

I won't ask again. It's your last chance.

-Are you coming out with me?

-No.

-Now Thelma's gone, do you think I'll drink with you every night?

-When she was here, you did!

-And if I'd seen less of you I wouldn't be in this situation.

-Oh, what a nice thing to say(!)

What a nice thing to say(!) To your best friend who spent half the morning at the butcher's.

It's the truth. It had to be said.

Over the years your presence has had a destructive influence on Thelma and me.

What a terrible thing to say!

I was your best man!

And you told me where I could get a quick divorce.

-It was a joke to lessen the horror to come.

-There you go again!

-Just another joke!

-It's not funny.

-Listen, Bob.

I've never tried to cause trouble between you two.

I've had differences with Thelma, almost as many as you, but I never tried to stir it between you.

You didn't help on Monday. She'd be here now if you'd sent the flowers.

I gave you £5, and you spent it in the betting shop.

I'll pay you back. You'll get your money.

That is not the point. I gave you £5 for flowers. I shall never forgive you.

I DID buy flowers.

You STOLE some flowers from the gardens opposite the rates office!

It's the thought that counts.

If she had got a large bouquet wrapped in cellophane with a pink ribbon,

then she might have been impressed.

What would she think of a bunch of marigolds in an old Daily Mirror shoved through the letter box?

If that horse had won, she could've had a whole florist's.

And we'd have food to eat tonight.

What is that supposed to mean?

What are you doing with the housekeeping, frankly?

I gave you £10 and I've seen very little for it,

except for some carrots, a tin of fruit and some rather fluffy liver.

And bacon and a tin of semolina!

How much does it cost? £8 a tin? It's not caviar! I want to see the receipts.

I paid for the papers AND laundry. I gave to the Lifeboat Fund and got a flag to prove it.

I can account for every penny!

-You can in the betting shop!

-Right, that's it. You can go so far, I can take so much, but that is it!

After three days I can see Thelma's point of view.

You don't need a wife, just a housekeeper to cook and balance your books.

I have been very tolerant these last few days,

but it's got to be said, you are IMPOSSIBLE to live with!

-Where are you going?

-I'm leaving, that's where I'm going.

I'm leaving, just like Thelma did.

Think about it! Two people have left you in a week!

Three, if you count the cat.

POLISH DIALOGUE ON TV

DOORBELL RINGS

-Terry?!

-Hello, Thelma.

I was just passing and I...er... Can I come in?

Yes.

-I hope I'm not...

-No, there's no-one in.

Well, take your coat off. Is it raining?

-A bit.

-Oh.

-Bob's got a mac like that.

-Well, that IS Bob's mac.

Oh.

What are these bloodstains? He hasn't had an accident, has he?

-It's not Bob's blood. It's liver.

-Liver?

-Calf's liver.

-Oh.

-For his supper.

Oh, well, you'd better come through.

-If you're watching TV...

-I wasn't, really. It's about nuns in Poland.

They called it a masterpiece in the Radio Times, but it's heavy going.

I saw a film where Joan Collins is this nun, if you can believe that.

She's in an open boat with some men.

-They don't know she's a nun cos she's lost her habit.

-Really? Please sit down.

Oh, cheers.

Deborah Kerr. She was a nun in a film once.

-Audrey Hepburn.

-"The Nun's Story."

Well, there must be a call for films about nuns.

-Do you want some tea?

-No, thanks, no.

-A drink or cigarette?

-No, really.

How's Bob?

-It's about Bob that I called.

-He HAS had an accident.

-No, no, honestly.

It's just...you should have had some flowers on Monday.

-I did get some.

-Marigolds?

-It was hard to tell.

Well, I didn't mean those. You should have had a big bouquet in cellophane with a pink ribbon.

Only you didn't, and Bob thinks it was my fault.

Bob seems to think a lot of things are my fault.

-You're not to blame entirely.

-Of course I'm not.

You have a grammar-school education. You see more clearly than he does.

I said, "Have I stirred things between you two?" YOU know the answer.

Yes.

He's upset me today, Thelma.

When I think how long I've known him - since 1948, to be exact.

We've done everything together. We've had the same friends and hobbies, the same girls...

Present company excluded, of course.

Well, you tried hard enough once.

-Did I?! When was that?

-That trip to Blackpool.

Oh, aye.

That was long ago, we were young, and I was inflamed with brown ale.

You know what these coach trips are like. It was dark and confused, and I thought you were someone else.

Not that I found you unattractive. I've always been aware of you as a woman.

Even all that time ago, you were always Bob's girl.

Even when you weren't speaking, it was always Bob and Thelma.

Even that scene with Briony Hood...

-Briony Hood?! When was this?

-Oh, er...

I remember Briony Hood! She broke her father's heart.

She dances topless at a Sunderland discotheque.

Really?

Mmm. Broke her father's heart.

Mind you, she had great pair of...

That's no reason to flaunt them in front of the teenagers of Wearside.

-Quite.

-And Bob had a scene with her?

-Long before she went topless.

-Bob never let on about that.

Thelma, please. I'm not trying to stir things.

I'm trying to say that you and Bob belong together.

He's in a terrible way without you.

He feels things very deeply, and...he loves you.

Despite his faults he's a good lad, one of the best.

I think you should be with him now. He's all alone.

-You were with him.

-I've packed it in. I've left him.

He drove me round the bend, wanting meals on the table the minute he came in.

-He does, doesn't he?

-Everything must be in its place.

I'm tidy, but he has an obsession, a fetish!

-He was like that at school.

-Yes, everything in its place, crayons sharpened.

He had pleats ironed in the back of his shirt.

-He costs a fortune at the cleaners.

-Don't! I went there yesterday. I'd never realised the cost of cleaning.

-Then he asks where the money goes.

-He doesn't have to go shopping.

He doesn't realise how costs have risen. He doesn't go to the supermarket.

Do you know I stood for 15 minutes in the butcher's?

-For the liver?

-Yes.

-He likes that.

He didn't get it.

How is he in himself?

-He's a bag of nerves.

-Is he sleeping?

No.

He's snores, but he's not sleeping.

-That sets me on edge.

-Me, too!

-Terry, we've got one thing in common.

-What?

-He drives us both mad!

DOORBELL RINGS

-It's only me.

-Audrey, come in, love.

-Just for a minute. I shan't stop.

-What are you doing?

-Cleaning up. There's blood everywhere.

What have you done?

-It's not me, it's Terry.

-You didn't kill him?

Not yet.

Nobody would blame you if you did.

He's turned this place into a pigsty. Come on through.

I popped round while the Party Political was on.

I'm not one of those people who only turns up at a hint of disaster,

but if I can do anything, don't hesitate.

Thank you, Audrey, you are kind, but I must sort this out for myself.

I know, but it helps to see friends. It gets yourself out of yourself.

You're welcome to sleep at my place.

-I don't sleep, Audrey.

-I'm not surprised. I went through this. I'm not unfamiliar.

We'll just see how things work out.

-It will.

-What?

-Work out.

-We'll just have to see.

I can't stop. Where's Terry? Drinking?

I don't know, Audrey. He's gone, you see, left me. I must have some quality that makes people leave me.

-I don't...

-Am I difficult to live with?

Don't be daft. Of course you're not.

-Did you wipe your feet? I just did the floor.

-Sorry. Look, I can't stop.

-YOU'RE leaving me now.

-But I said...

You're leaving me, like the others.

Cheers.

-Cheers. Bob and Thelma!

-Cheers!

-Bob is a habit I have to get out of.

-Like Joan Collins on that boat.

Pardon?

Oh, yes! Very witty, Thelma.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Who's that?

-Not your mother?

-No, she's playing bridge.

-Oh, hello, Audrey.

-Hello. I can't stop, but I felt I had to rush over.

-What are you doing here?

-Having a drink with Thelma.

Terry's been very sweet and understanding.

Terry has?! This Terry?!

Yes, he's been telling me to get back to Bob.

The sooner, the better. I went to see how he was, and he was most peculiar.

He was all morbid, brandishing a knife.

I'll ring and say I'm on my way. Is he very depressed?

-I can't pretend he isn't.

-He thinks we hate him.

-And he's worried about Ginger.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

NOISY HOOVER

-No answer!

-He must BE there. He was in his dressing gown.

-I must go to him!

Aaah! Darling!

To think, after all these years,...

Oh, forgive me, forgive me!

Thelma!

What is it?

You'll get Oven Stick all over your blouse.

# Ooh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Ooh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people?

# We used to be? # Intelfax Subtitles by Julia Watts for BBC Subtitling, 1995