Between Ourselves Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to

# The past? #

I've only a few words to say. I won't take up much of your valuable time, Thelma.

You have decided to leave me. I can accept that.

You think you're right, you may be. Only time will tell. I accept that.

What I cannot begin to accept is that you should think that I was having an affair with another woman.

This I find...well, this lack of trust, it's taken something from our marriage, Thelma.

And it's going to take a long time, a long, long time, and a lot of hard work to put back what's gone.

Do I make myself clear?

-Who are you talking to?

-I wasn't talking to anybody.

-Saw your lips move, Norman.

-I was just thinking aloud.

-Come on, now, drink that while it's hot.

You've put sugar in it! I don't take sugar. I told you I don't take sugar in tea.

I'm sorry, mate. Just don't stir it.

That's no good. It's in there, doing damage. I've cut out sugar.

And chocolate digestives, and salted nuts and lemon curd.

I'm not to know, am I? It's the first day of our new life together.

I'm getting to know you, getting to know all about you, getting to like you, hoping that you'll like me.

Not funny, not funny at all.

Sorry. Just trying for a smile, to take your mind off things. Bacon sandwich?

I can't eat. Like I can't sleep.

I didn't sleep too good. Your guestroom has never had a guest.

It's not aired. I was freezing. I slept in my socks.

You always sleep in your socks.

I do not. Not in the warm weather.

You do. And in your vest. You've got odd personal habits.

-What do you mean, odd personal habits?

-Well, you have.

I have not. It's OK for you. You can sleep in the nude if you want. You've got the electric blanket.

-I don't mean just last night. I mean in general.

-Well, like what?

Little things. One can't fail to notice. Little, but they let you down.

Like WHAT?

When you go into somebody's house, you kick your shoes off.

You undo your top trouser button when you've overeaten. It's not nice in company.

And you pick your teeth. And you scratch a lot.

I never said so, but in the Scouts, I hated sharing a tent with you.

Why the hell not? Did you think I would attack you?

There was an evil smell every morning. I couldn't eat my porridge.

Oh, the nastiness is setting in now though, but!

You've bottled this up for years. We were 13 when we got hoyed out of the Scouts.

All these years and - I don't know.

Don't start on me because your wife's left and I've put sugar in your tea.

What about YOUR peculiar habits? Like talking to bears.

The whole Seagull Patrol was in the tent, not just me. Why blame me?

Of course there was an evil smell.

It was wet feet, wind and woodbines.

It was your wind.

I don't have to stay. I can go home to a warm bed, where nobody cares about my trouser buttons.

I came here to help you over your problems. However...

-I...

-No-one's let in here without a Swiss finishing school diploma.

-I'm sorry.

-You used to cut your toenails in the fireplace, but I wouldn't dream of mentioning that.

-I'm stressed. You know how it is when you can't sleep.

-Yes, after last night.

-You have the electric blanket tonight.

-Oh, you want me to stay?

-If you don't mind.

-Yeah, want me to stay now, do you?

I'd be very grateful.

Oh, look, kid, I don't want your gratitude. I mean, what are friends for?

Times like this you find out who your friends are.

-You need comfort and understanding from a man like me. Can I really have the electric blanket?

-Yes.

I'm not sleeping, am I? Not with this emotion hanging over me.

OK. I may not be as genteel as Thelma, but I'll to try to keep the place tidy.

-And I'll get your meals.

-I'll leave you something for the housekeeping.

-Yes, the cost of living now.

-It'd be best if you got everything at the supermarket.

It depends how long I'm here. How long'll this emotional crisis last?

-It's up to her.

-Is it?

Definitely. She's responsible. I'll say to her "You've decided to leave me.

"I accept that. You may be right. Only time can tell. I can accept that.

"What I can't accept, what I can't

-"accept is you thinking I've been having it off with another woman."

-Pardon?

-I know the rest, kid. I heard.

-Oh.

-I couldn't help it.

-I was finding the best way of putting it.

-WHEN will you put it? When will you tell Thelma what you told Norman?

-Soon.

-Good.

-You think so?

-Yes, it's a long speech to remember.

I don't need to be word-perfect, just to get the gist. It's a very important speech - I should try.

I agree. I'm not getting at you. I know how important words are.

I should - I was married to a German girl.

My marriage might have worked if we'd been able to communicate.

When we rowed, she didn't get the abuse I hurled at her.

-Perhaps that was just as well.

-Of course it wasn't!

She kept locking me out. You can't ask a total stranger to translate "Let me in, I need the lavatory."

-Did you never attempt to bridge the language barrier?

-I did once.

One night, when she'd gone too far.

I went to a neighbour's and borrowed a German phrase book. Huge it was, that thick.

-Was it useful?

-Very. I took it home and clouted her with it.

-That's charming, that(!)

-The only time the neighbours came in handy.

About the neighbours - there's no point them knowing about this.

I don't want them here with advice and home-made marmalade.

Look at the time! You'll be late. I've got lots to do!

This business with Thelma - I don't want everyone knowing. Let's keep it to ourselves.

-Of course.

-I know you. If you're going out, I don't want this all round the estate.

-My lips are sealed.

-Bump into your Audrey and word'll fly round.

Round the whole north by the six o'clock news. It'll be ON the news.

My lips are sealed... Mind you...

-What?

-I can't help the neighbours seeing me with your shopping.

Make an excuse. Say Thelma's ill.

Then they're bound to be round with home-made marmalade.

It's very infectious.

-Why am I here?

-You've been injected. So have I.

-That's a relief(!)

She's not to see anybody, total rest. She's done too much stocktaking at work.

I know what. I'll say "That work at the library is killing Thelma. They found her, buried in her books."

-Oh, come on, Terry - be serious.

-All right, why am I here? What about everybody else?

Les the milkman, the postman, that cheeky lad on the ice-cream van. We don't want them speculating, do we?

-You're here because your street's being demolished.

-WHAT?

-It's being demolished. It's due for it.

-Don't be stupid! Everyone knows it's not.

Nobody here'll know. They wouldn't be seen dead there.

It's got more character than round here.

Is that supposed to be clean?

And we don't bother over gossip like you lot.

-MILK BOTTLES RATTLE >

-It's Les. Not a word.

-I told you, my lips...

-are sealed. Let's see they are.

-I'm discreet.

-Hello.

-Morning, Les.

-You're late. Are you off work?

-No, Thelma's off. Infection. But I've been injected.

-And I'm being demolished.

-Oh, aye.

I'm sorry. I hope she's better soon.

-She'll be fine. Peace and quiet.

-I knocked cos there's no empties out.

-I haven't done it yet!

-OK. Usual - two pints and a strawberry yoghurt?

-Yoghurt? You've cut out sugar.

-It's for Thelma.

Oh. Well, just the two pints today, Les. You can cancel the yoghurt indefinitely.

It's going to take a long time, a long, long time, and a lot of hard work, to put back what's gone.

-Is that a dash? >

-Pardon?

After "hard work", is it a dash or a colon?

-Does it matter?

-You said it was an important letter.

-The most important of my life.

-Then you should get the punctuation right.

-My marriage won't hang on the difference between a colon and a semi-colon.

-Dash. Colon or dash?

-You're the bloody genius!

-I'll get the Swear Box.

-I'm sorry, Wendy, I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of strain.

-Emotional strain?

-Yes.

-That's the worst sort. My boyfriend, Gordon, and I went through lots.

-Really?

-At Easter, when we went to Derbyshire, potholing.

-One can see that would cause strain.

He does the potholing, not me. It's dangerous. And it can't do you any good, all that damp.

It's no fun for me. I sit in a tent all day while he's burrowing some hole with a flashlight.

Wendy, have your potholing experiences anything to do with my problems?

I thought it'd help to know that others had bad times.

I want Thelma to come home, not emerge from a dark hole.

-I just meant...

-Just type it out.

-Yes, Bob.

-Just type it out, please.

-I would just like to say one thing.

-Yes. Must you?

It's impersonal to write a letter of this importance on work notepaper.

-I'm not! I just want you to type it out so I can go over it and polish it, like.

-Oh, I see.

-I would just like to say one thing.

-Must you?

I think it's a very lovely letter.

Do you, Wendy? Do you really?

She can't fail to be impressed - once I've corrected the punctuation.

Wendy, listen. This letter - let's keep it between ourselves. I don't want it right round the office.

I'm the soul of discretion.

Good, cos I don't want anybody to see it. If one of those girls saw...

-You know how they thrive on gossip.

-My lips are sealed.

-Sorry!

-Shouldn't we knock, Vivien?

Yes. I'm sorry. Shall I come back next week?

What is it, Vivienne, please?

I'm making a list of those going on the office trip to Hexham races. Are you and your wife going?

Yes, probably. Put us down for it.

-Is it worth it?

-What?

It's £3 a ticket. Shouldn't you see if Thelma comes back...

-Oh, watch...hello, Aud.

-What are you doing?

-I'm shopping, aren't I?

-But me mam doesn't shop here.

-No, I'm getting Bob's stuff in.

-Bob?

-Oh, and Thelma. Bob and Thelma. Thelma's not well, you see. She's in bed.

-Oh, poor pet.

-I'll drive you round, and see how she is.

-Er, no, you can't.

-Why not?

-Infectious.

-What is?

-What she's got.

I'm OK. Me and Bob've had jabs. And she needs the rest.

Peace and quiet and no visitors. It's the stocktaking - takes it out of you.

I'm there if they need anything. Do the shopping, like, watch the house,

make sure there's no visitors...

Eeee...Thelma's left him.

-Terry told me.

-Well, what happened?

Well...you know Terry? Apparently, Thelma's left him. You know Bob Ferris?

-But they were happy.

-I know, we all thought so.

-Well!

-Yes!

What is it?

-It's Bob.

-Your Bob? Oh, let's see him.

-No, not now.

-He's in the cafe opposite.

-I've never met him.

-He's been there all afternoon.

-Keeping a lonely vigil.

-Pardon?

A lonely vigil on the one he loves.

You leaving him has made him realise the depth of his love for you.

-Sshh!

-Be quiet.

This thing with Bob, I've told you, because of his phone calls.

I'm relying on your discretion.

-Oh, my lips are sealed, Thelma.

-Good.

It's just that I think you should run to his arms...

We're supposed to be re-classifying, and we're only up to archaeology.

I've never met Bob, but he can't be the philanderer you say.

Not a man who keeps long vigils in that horrible cafe.

-He's probably trying to pick up the waitress.

-Sshh!

-You've seen her. That's his type - common and available.

-I wouldn't describe you like that.

I'm the type he married. That Moira over there's the type he lusts after.

Your Bob'd never run after another woman. He's over there now because you won't take his calls.

If he does notice Moira, you've only yourself to blame.

Your heartless indifference will drive him to the arms of another.

All he did was keep a vigil on his loved one.

You spend too much time in romantic fiction.

-Ha! I knew you'd be here.

-What do you want?

-Hey, give us that.

-It's typed now, is it?

-None of your business.

-A letter now!

-It's my concern.

-You've bottled out of telling her to her face.

Asking the obvious is an irritating habit of yours.

There you go, changing the subject to my habits, not facing facts.

That's not the way to play it. My advice is tell her straight, to her face.

-Tea, please.

-OK.

I do not want your advice. I do not want your help or your opinion.

Don't tell me how to run my marriage when yours was a disaster.

It's like a man with 15 kids advising on family planning.

-All I'm saying is, if we were married, and we had rows...

-Which we would have constantly.

I would expect more than a letter. I'd expect to be told to my face.

Which one of them?

I'll ignore that, as you're under emotional strain.

I will tell her to her face. That's why I'm here. She gets coffee here.

She's avoiding me - I'll post it.

-I'll post it.

-No.

I want to make sure it gets there.

-Here you are, pet.

-Thanks.

-Thank you.

-How did you know I was here?

-Ahh!

You rang the office and had a right natter about it with Wendy. And the switchboard girls were listening.

-Bob, man, I guessed you were here.

-How?

-Because Thelma works opposite.

When we were kids and you two rowed, where did you spend the afternoons?

Outside her grammar school. Waiting to see her and carry her satchel.

And when she ignored you, you wrote a letter and gave it to Norma Braithwaite to give to her.

-Nothing's changed much, has it?

-'Spose not.

-Nothing's changed.

Once I wrote a really long one. It took days and nights. I took such care with it.

Looked up all the words in my pocket dictionary, a present from my Aunty Gladys.

Only time I used it - except to look up mucky words.

-They were never in.

-They're in the big one but not the pocket ones.

-Not the sort aunties give you.

I took such care - the most important letter ever.

I wrote it in my new Parker 51 that was a present from my Aunty Elsie.

Sealed it with pink sealing wax and wrote SWALK on the envelope.

But I didn't give it to Norma, cos she was off with chicken pox.

-I gave it to you to give to Thelma.

-That's right.

You put it on the noticeboard for the whole school to read. How evil!

You're right, nothing's changed.

Even in those days, all your break-ups were down to your supposed infidelities.

-Nothing's changed.

-No truth in any of them.

Right...well, I don't know. I did put it about a bit.

-Not as much as Thelma thought you did.

-That's not humanly possible.

It's why it's unfair. Can't she see now I'm married, I don't? I don't.

I'd know if you did - your nervous catarrh would come back.

I'm not saying that I don't like girls, that I don't notice girls.

I can't say I haven't noticed that waitress. Even in my darkest hour, I've noticed her provocative body.

-And that ladder up her left leg.

-Fantastic legs.

-Right up to her throat. Naughty little bum an' all.

-Cheeky.

-But she's just a fantasy. Like the girl at the filling station on the bypass.

I'd no more take her out than I'd take you to the badminton club.

-I don't expect to be. I've got to slave over a hot stove.

-I'm going to post this. Coming?

No, I'll stay and keep an eye on the ladder.

-I'm just popping over the road. Do you want anything, or just coffee?

-Just coffee.

-Anthea?

-Yes?

-Are you going to the Venetian?

Well, it is the handiest. Ssshhh! >

-Don't talk to Bob.

-No, I don't know him.

You didn't know the man who lost a glove in here today, but you're seeing him tonight.

I don't talk to strangers in coffee bars. And whatever you say, I bet he doesn't even notice me.

- Two white coffees to take out, Moira, no sugar. - OK, Anthea.

-Oh, many thanks.

-Do you have to rush off?

-Pardon.

There's no rush, is there? Come and have a bit of cake?

-Do you know who I am?

-No, but if you sat down, I soon would. Pretty soon we'd find out lots of things.

My God, you're everything she said you are.

-Who was that?

-I don't know.

I thought...in fact I was positive...oh, well, never mind.

-You haven't posted it!

-No. You were right. I realised the sooner this is settled, the better.

-The word is mightier than the pen.

-Yes, I AM going to hand it to her. But she can read it at home.

I'm not afraid to tell her,

but I'd get it wrong. She'd butt in, and you can't talk in a library, and she'd never let me get it out.

Not in a public library she wouldn't.

-So, we'll go over there, shall we?

-Me? You want me to come an' all?

-I wouldn't mind.

All right, come on, let's go.

Oh, no, first one thing, then the other. What is it now - cold feet?

No, it's just a pity. I stuck the stamp on.

Yes, can I help you?

Is, er, Thelma Ferris here, please?

She's busy. I'll fetch her if it's important.

No, it's not that...I wouldn't dream of...don't bother to...

Can you see she gets that, please?

-OK. Shall I say who it's from?

-Say it's from her husband.

He's too cowardly to come in after what's just happened. So he sends a messenger.

Give him this back and tell him if he's a man, he'll fetch it himself.

Pardon?

-Look, I'm just trying to...

-Ssshh! >

-I'm...

-Ssshhh!

What was that commotion, Anthea?

Oh, nothing, pet. Nothing at all, really. I'll just get my handbag.

What is the matter with that girl?

-HE COUGHS

-Excuse me, Thelma, pet.

-It's you, is it? Well?

-Bob asked me to give you this.

It's a letter, like, from him to you.

He wanted to tell you, but knew you wouldn't let him get it out here.

He asked YOU to bring ME a letter from HIM?

Tell him if he's got anything to say, he can say it to my face.

Give him that message from his ex-wife!

-Sshhh!

-Sshhh yourselves!

Loving, they say, means never having to say sorry.

So how come, of all the people I know in love, they spend all the time apologising to each other?

Well, it's worth thinking about, Norman.

'Ey up, here's your father. Now, he needs all the support he can get. Give him a nice smile. Bear up.

-Course it's all over town now, isn't it?

-It isn't.

-Yes.

It is after that library fiasco. I went to the Fat Ox on my way home - you know that sexy Scots barmaid?

She gives me a gooey smile and tells me to keep my pecker up! Huh!

-That doesn't mean owt.

-Yes, it does! She knows. You should have seen the smile.

In the Crimea, Florence Nightingale gave that smile to amputees. Keep me pecker up! Huh!

If you're going to sit there wallowing in self-pity, I'll tell you something.

-You don't half flatter yourself.

-What?

Flatter yourself people here are so interested in you and Thelma.

The endless saga of Bob and Thelma has been going on for years.

-It's rumoured Florence Nightingale or Boadicea introduced you two.

-Eh?

You're fretting unnecessarily. You are getting a persecution complex.

There's nothing wrong with your marriage. If there is, nobody knows.

Well, hardly anybody. Nobody round here goes near the Fat Ox, do they?

I suppose you're right.

I, we, the people of this town are just not that interested in your personal problems.

You're right. I'm sorry. Nobody knows. Or if they do know, nobody cares.

-Yes, it's trivial. We'll patch it up. Sorry.

-I'll go and put the kettle on.

Yes, we'll have a nice cup of tea.

-Aye, and we'll write another letter.

-I've forgot what I said.

-I haven't.

By the way, any phone calls?

-The badminton club secretary called.

-Why? I've paid the subscription.

It's OK! He wanted to ask if you two were entering the tournament.

You didn't say anything, did you? If it's round the badminton club...oh!

Bob, Bob! For Heaven's sake, how many times have I got to tell you?

Your personal affairs are none of my business. Nobody's interested in spreading rumour and speculation.

All I said was "Put them down for the singles, but don't bank on the mixed doubles."

Intelfax Subtitles by Sophie Brown for BBC Subtitling, 1995