Sexy Rollercoaster White Gold


Sexy Rollercoaster

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This programme contains very strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

0:00:020:00:06

Having a company car is a basic human right.

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Stop being an arse, Vincent.

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No double glazing salesman has ever had a company car.

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Which is exactly why I think I deserve one.

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You are delusional, mate. You're having a tin bath!

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Not by my lights. Do you know how much business I've brought in

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these past three months? You know, the problem with you is

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you've formed your own fan club.

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The Vincent Swan fan club. Membership one - Vincent Swan.

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You. Were you up all night working on that line, you smart arse prick?

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284 grand is the answer.

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You aren't getting a fucking company car! End of!

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Well, you've left me with no other choice than to resign, Walshy.

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You think I'm bothered? Resign then.

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I'll have 50 mugs lined up to do your job by lunchtime.

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Good luck with that. You'd better hire them all to replace

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the money I bring in, you short-sighted wanker.

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Every man has his line in the sand and that prick Walshy just

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took a piss all over mine.

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It's always been a dream of mine to have a company car.

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Ever since yesterday lunchtime.

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I go round the back, knock on his dressing room and say, "Listen..."

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Who the fuck are these clowns?

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"..you've got no face, and you've got fucking bollocks for hands.

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"Other than that you do pretty well."

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HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

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VINCENT CLEARS THROAT My dearest Suzanne.

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While I accept you have to serve other men,

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you could at least try and pretend you're not enjoying it.

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Martin, this is Vincent Swan, local wind-up merchant.

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Runs Cachet Windows in the high street.

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Likes to pretend he runs this place as well.

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How are you doing, mate?

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Yeah good, mate. Good.

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Martin works in magazine publishing. Very glamorous, eh?

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I hope they're not porn mags, Martin. Ha, no.

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You'd be hard pushed to knock one out over one of our magazines.

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They're trade publications.

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You know, Ventilation Units Weekly,

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Roofing Supply Monthly, that sort of thing.

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Fuck me, they sound about as boring as that suit you're wearing.

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There's no need for that. It's just a joke.

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I'll tell you what's not boring, my old son.

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The amount of money we're making selling advertising space.

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Now, what are you boys drinking? Nah, let me get these.

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Absolutely not. I insist. We're already running a tab.

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I'll just claim it back on the old expenses. What's your poison?

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I'm not fussed. Whatever you're having.

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Lovely lager. Same for you, boyses? Cheers.

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You get an expense account?

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We spend half our lives on the road, wining and dining clients,

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so the old company car and expense account comes in handy.

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Although it's not always easy getting a receipt

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from a knocking shop in Manchester, is it, Mart?

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No, it is not, Philip.

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But it did save me from having to fellate the client myself.

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Here you go, boyses. Winner.

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Winner.

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Winner.

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Nice meeting you, boyses.

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If you ever fancy leaving the lucrative world

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of door to door sales, give us a call.

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We're always on the lookout for new blood at Millman Young.

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Who do we ask for? Yeah, I wasn't talking to you.

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What sort of company car do you get? Ford Granada, XL.

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Oh, right. A cousin of mine used to rep for a stationary firm.

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He got given a Granada, and we're talking

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a couple of years back before they gave them to any old wanker.

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Anyway, the first night he gets his new wheels

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he decides to go for a spot of night fishing.

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Being a cheapskate, he won't shell out on luminous floats,

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so he just drives the car up to the lake,

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beams the headlights onto the water and...

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Right, gentlemen, we should probably be making a move.

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Who's this little prick? Sorry what?

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Vincent, this is Andrew, our sales director.

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Andrew, Vincent Swan, local raconteur.

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Time to get back to the phones, lads.

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Obviously, they didn't teach you manners at whatever school

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you've just bunked off from.

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Do your parents know you're hanging out in pubs?

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Yes, very funny. I'm clearly not a child.

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OK, that's us. Nice meeting you, boyses.

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Hang on, I haven't finished my story.

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Oh, come on then, let's all hear the end of your story.

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Well, he'd parked the car on a bank with the handbrake off.

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It rolled straight into the lake.

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That sounds very unlikely. Right, are we done?

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Hardly Peter Ustinov, is he?

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Don't expect to see him on Parkinson anytime soon(!)

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THEY LAUGH

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Brash fuckers. "Oh, look at me, I don't own my own car.

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"I drive someone else's car, like a bloody bus driver."

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Why was that little one so grumpy?

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He's one of the Seven Dwarves, isn't he?

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Fitzpatrick was right. They were brash fuckers.

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Which is why I was confident I'd fit right in there.

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Right, no need to panic. Brian, you're temporary showroom manager.

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Yes! I won't let you down, boss. It is an honour.

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You fucking kidding me? It's only temporary.

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But why him? Because he actually sells my bloody windows!

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If you want to be considered for the role then get out there

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and sign me some fucking orders!

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Ouch. Can I just say that firing Vincent was a smart move.

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I don't want to speak ill of the recently departed

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but that man was a liability.

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I'm going to have to ring some serious changes round here

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if we're going to be competitive again.

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Look, until I get the chance to meet some potential new recruits,

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I just need you to steady the ship and not fuck anything up, Brian.

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Understood, boss. Still, in the meantime,

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there's no harm me showing you how we get things done

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the Fitzpatrick way.

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You obviously are aware the name Fitzpatrick is synonymous

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with fucking things up.

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Yeah, well, unless you want it to be "synonymous"

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with getting the sack,

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I suggest you start showing your new boss some respect.

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OK. One, you're not my new boss, you're just a temporary manager.

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Two, respect is earned, mate, not demanded, and three...

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you haven't got the balls to sack me.

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Yeah? Well I'll see your...and I'll raise you.

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Oh, I'm not going to fire you, mate,

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I've got something much, much worse in store for you.

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No, I'm going to be your mentor, I'll be Yoda to your Luke Skywalker.

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I see what's happened here. You've mistaken being a weird,

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ugly fella for being a Jedi Master.

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Are you two fucking imbeciles going to get off your arses and

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sell my bloody windows or do I need to sack you, too?!

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Chop chop, Lavender.

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So, you quit your job, without consulting me,

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because he wouldn't give you a car when we've already got two cars.

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Company car, Sam, we're talking about a company car.

0:06:020:06:04

Stop saying company car like it's a flying fucking carpet.

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It's still a bloody car we don't need.

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Unlike, er, food, clothes, a roof over our heads.

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Will you just calm down?

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This isn't like when I resigned from the refinery.

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You were sacked from the bloody refinery! You didn't resign!

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Potato, pot-ato. Walked, sacked, it's all the same.

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It's not the same.

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The important thing is here I've been offered a better job.

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One with a company car.

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If you say company car one more time I'm divorcing you.

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What's the better job? Ah.

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See, this is what I've been trying to tell you.

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I'm moving on from double glazing.

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Into publishing, selling advertising space in magazines.

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No more slumming it for me as a door to door salesman.

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And when were you planning on telling me about this new job,

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then, Mr Advertising Executive?

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Right after they offer it to me. The interview's tomorrow.

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So, when you say you've got a new job what you actually mean

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is you haven't got a job? Potato, pot-ato.

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That's it, run away you spineless arsehole.

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Sam wasn't quite grasping the difference between a car and

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a company car but I felt like now wasn't the time to enlighten her.

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From sales performance to leadership qualities,

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Vincent Swan is the single best employee I've ever had

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the pleasure of working alongside.

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Our terrible loss

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will be his new employer's most fortuitous gain.

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Ah, that's sweet. Shall I finish it "Love, Walshy?"

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No, "Yours sincerely, Mr Tony Walsh" will do.

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LAVENDER AND FITZPATRICK ENTER

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He fainted instantly... What the fuck are you doing here?

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Lovely to see you, too, Brian.

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If you've come to beg Walshy for your job back, you're too late.

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There's a new sheriff in town.

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Yeah, I'd heard shit for brains had finally employed

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a cowboy to run this place. Very funny. I've got one for you.

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Knock knock. Who's there?

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Vincent. Vincent who?

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Exactly. Vincent Who.

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That's what people will say when I turn this business

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into a mega success story.

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So? I don't give a shit, mate, I've moved on.

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Got myself a job with those publishing boyses.

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You know what, if you're lucky, I might just let you have

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a spin in my mega company car when it arrives.

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Fuck off.

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Congratulations, mate. Are they still looking for reps?

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You disloyal little shit.

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Do I sense some disharmony in the ranks?

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Do let me know if you need a few pointers on how to motivate

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a sales team, Sheriff.

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From you? Do me a favour.

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No, my morale boosting end of week parties are going to

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blow your grubby shenanigans

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out the water with their decadence, depravity and...

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Doctors? Daffodils? Dragons? Debauchery.

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Well, that is lovely to hear cos I'm expecting you boyses

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to throw me a memorable send off for my leaving do Friday.

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Well...trust me you will not be disappointed. I better not be.

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Well, you won't be. Excellent. More than excellent, mate.

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You'll probably need to bring a sick bag. Why's that?

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Because...

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I'm taking you on a roller-coaster ride of sexual thrills.

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I'm looking forward to it. I'll see you Friday.

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You haven't arranged anything, have you? No.

0:09:030:09:06

# Pull up to the bumper, baby... #

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I'll say this for Fitzpatrick,

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he was putting the hours in designing his sexy roller-coaster.

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Bingo.

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Welcome to the world of magazine publishing. Morning, boyses.

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These lucky pricks don't know it yet, but in the coming months

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I'm going to be leading them to great things.

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First and foremost a great tailor.

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Fitzpatrick was right, those suits ARE fucking boring.

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He's just in here, Mr Swan. Thank you.

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Hello, Vincent.

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Hello. I didn't get your name the other day.

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Andrew. Andrew Davies. That's the one.

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Andrew. I thought Martin was going to be doing the interview. No.

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We didn't get a chance to chat the other day.

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Well, we may have had a brief exchange, but... Did we?

0:10:080:10:11

Yes, we did, there was an exchange.

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Pffff. It's forgotten. Water under the bridge. Let's move on.

0:10:140:10:17

Absolutely. Let's put it behind us.

0:10:170:10:19

Now, Vincent, can I be frank with you?

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You can be whoever you want, Andy.

0:10:210:10:23

I find this whole concept of interviewing very flawed.

0:10:230:10:27

You know, two people sat across a desk, best foot forward,

0:10:270:10:31

spinning lie after lie at one another.

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It's like being on a blind date.

0:10:320:10:34

Hopefully with less fingering at the end. Ha, yeah.

0:10:340:10:38

Listen, I'll be completely straight with you,

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if your sales figures and your references back up what my gut tells

0:10:410:10:44

me about you, then this interview is already two minutes too long.

0:10:440:10:47

Well, that's very flattering, Andy.

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Maybe there can be a bit of fingering after all.

0:10:490:10:51

Now, Vincent, do you like golf? Love the stuff. Excellent.

0:10:510:10:54

Then what I propose is that we finish this interview

0:10:540:10:57

out on the golf course.

0:10:570:10:59

Could you make Saturday, tee off around nine?

0:10:590:11:01

Perfect.

0:11:010:11:03

Apologies in advance if the old competitive beast

0:11:030:11:05

comes out on the course.

0:11:050:11:07

I've yet to meet a good salesman who isn't a terrible loser.

0:11:070:11:09

Absolutely, boss.

0:11:090:11:10

I'm sure I'll turn into a total cunt out there as well.

0:11:100:11:13

I'll see you Saturday.

0:11:130:11:14

All right, boyses.

0:11:160:11:18

Meanwhile, Fitzpatrick's attempt at modernising Cachet had hit

0:11:180:11:21

a Brummie brick wall.

0:11:210:11:22

If it's so bloody clever, why can't I just say, "Computer,

0:11:220:11:26

"store these addresses," rather than all this mumbo jumbo

0:11:260:11:30

from the future language.

0:11:300:11:32

Because it's the cutting edge of technology, Carol,

0:11:320:11:35

not a genie from a fucking lamp.

0:11:350:11:36

A lamp in here would be more useful. It gets very gloomy.

0:11:360:11:39

Whether you like it or not,

0:11:390:11:40

I'm trying to drag this operation into the 1980s.

0:11:400:11:43

You don't see NASA running off to a filing cabinet

0:11:430:11:46

every time one of their astronauts says, "Houston, we have a problem."

0:11:460:11:49

Because they're completely comparable operations,

0:11:490:11:52

NASA and Cachet.

0:11:520:11:53

Now, that's a really shite telly.

0:11:530:11:56

Carol, love, we need an address

0:11:560:11:58

for that bay window front door job in Tilbury.

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I'll get it from the filing cabinet.

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No, let's start as we mean to go on, yeah?

0:12:020:12:06

It's on the system. Under Tiernan.

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I don't know how to work it.

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Oh, come on, get out the way, will ya?

0:12:100:12:12

Let me demonstrate to you the power of technology.

0:12:120:12:15

We haven't got all day!

0:12:150:12:16

All right, hold your horses!

0:12:160:12:18

Right. So, you press Shift 4.

0:12:180:12:23

Then type Tier...nan

0:12:250:12:28

into the search field

0:12:280:12:31

and...

0:12:310:12:32

BUZZER

0:12:320:12:34

It's not worked, has it? I'll get it from the filing cabinet.

0:12:340:12:37

No, it's all right, I remember... I mean look it's here.

0:12:370:12:40

Ah, yeah. It's 78 Romley Avenue. Write that down for him, Carol.

0:12:410:12:46

Why don't you print it out for him?

0:12:460:12:48

Because there's no point wasting ink, is there?

0:12:480:12:50

Let's have a look.

0:12:500:12:51

Oh, no, must've been a power surge.

0:12:510:12:54

I'll just...we'll have to reboot it. That's a shame.

0:12:540:12:58

Anything else, Brendan?

0:12:590:13:00

You know Romley Avenue's split into East and West, don't you?

0:13:000:13:03

Really? Well, that's an interesting story, Terry fucking Wogan.

0:13:030:13:07

Well, is it east or is it west?

0:13:070:13:09

Um... He'll just check on the computer.

0:13:100:13:12

It's West. OK? It's fucking West. Now can we just move on.

0:13:120:13:15

Come on. All right, West. Got it.

0:13:150:13:19

Thanks.

0:13:190:13:20

Got a mouth on him, hasn't he?

0:13:220:13:25

Keep an eye on him, Carol.

0:13:250:13:27

Despite not having the first fucking clue about golf,

0:13:270:13:29

it wasn't going to stop me looking the part.

0:13:290:13:31

Or, to be more precise,

0:13:310:13:33

looking like a kids' TV presenter who got dressed in the dark.

0:13:330:13:36

Meanwhile, Fitzpatrick was discovering that new technology

0:13:360:13:39

is only ever as reliable as the fuckwit operating it.

0:13:390:13:42

Uh-huh.

0:13:420:13:43

No, no, no, they would have done.

0:13:460:13:49

No.

0:13:490:13:50

I'm looking at the docket now,

0:13:510:13:52

it says they were fitted this afternoon. 78 Romley Avenue West.

0:13:520:13:56

What?

0:13:580:13:59

78 Romley Avenue East?

0:14:010:14:03

Yeah. No, that's what I meant. That's what it says on the docket.

0:14:030:14:05

Bollocks. Do you want me to come with you?

0:14:070:14:10

What, and have you apologise the homeowners to death?

0:14:100:14:13

No, I'll take care of this. Fuck them before they fuck us.

0:14:130:14:16

I understand, mistakes happen.

0:14:220:14:24

It's our junior intern. She's first week. Still very nervous.

0:14:240:14:27

Been transferred to the New York showroom now.

0:14:270:14:30

But, as it was wholly our mistake, I'm very happy to offer you

0:14:300:14:35

a generous 15% off the window and door.

0:14:350:14:39

But I didn't ask for them.

0:14:390:14:41

I'm not paying for something I didn't ask for.

0:14:410:14:43

Here we go. Look, I get it, I'm a businessman.

0:14:430:14:47

I admire your brazenness.

0:14:470:14:49

You've seen an opportunity and you've run with it. Opportunity?

0:14:490:14:52

Yeah. You want free windows. That's fine, I don't blame ya.

0:14:520:14:56

You live here. It's a bit of a shit-hole.

0:14:560:14:58

You want to make it look nicer.

0:14:580:15:00

Sorry - let me make this very clear.

0:15:000:15:02

I don't want your horrible windows.

0:15:020:15:04

Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you let

0:15:040:15:07

my fitter install them! Well, as it happens,

0:15:070:15:09

my nine-year-old daughter was at home on her own

0:15:090:15:11

expecting the window cleaner. Your fitter called,

0:15:110:15:14

said he was here to do the windows so she let him in.

0:15:140:15:16

Your fitter needs to get his addresses right.

0:15:160:15:20

Yeah, well, I blame the girl far more than him, to be honest.

0:15:200:15:24

I'm picturing her, I'm picturing an idiot.

0:15:240:15:27

Do not call my daughter an idiot.

0:15:270:15:29

Right. I'd like you off my property right now.

0:15:290:15:34

That's fine, but my fitter will be round here tomorrow

0:15:340:15:37

to rip out that window.

0:15:370:15:39

And, if you resist, I'll have you arrested for theft.

0:15:390:15:42

Do you know what you are? Classic pikey scum.

0:15:440:15:47

Pikey scum that wants something for nothing,

0:15:470:15:50

just for sitting on your fat arse all day.

0:15:500:15:53

Right. That is it. I am calling my brother.

0:15:530:15:56

I don't think your big brother's going to make this go away.

0:15:570:16:00

Oh, I think he might.

0:16:000:16:02

That's all been resolved, then, has it?

0:16:060:16:09

I think I've just called Ronnie Farrell's sister pikey scum.

0:16:090:16:12

Ronnie Farrell who runs Ronnie Farrell Debt Collection?

0:16:120:16:14

The one with a conviction for manslaughter?

0:16:140:16:16

No, the other Ronnie Farrell who works for Amnesty, you daft prick.

0:16:160:16:20

Isn't he a bit...dangerous?

0:16:200:16:22

He's a fucking lunatic!

0:16:220:16:24

And I just called his nine-year-old niece an idiot.

0:16:240:16:27

I'm a dead man, right?

0:16:270:16:28

No, I mean gangsters very rarely take slights

0:16:280:16:31

against their family seriously.

0:16:310:16:33

Yeah, she's probably bluffing.

0:16:330:16:35

HE WRITHES IN PAIN

0:16:380:16:40

Apologise to my sister.

0:16:400:16:42

I'm sorry...I'm really sorry. Ronnie, please!

0:16:420:16:46

Aargh!

0:16:460:16:48

She keeps the door and window.

0:16:480:16:49

Yes, absolutely. Free of charge.

0:16:490:16:53

Obviously, free of charge, you tit.

0:16:530:16:56

Yeah, I know, I was just clarifying.

0:16:560:16:59

Aargh, Ronnie, please...!

0:16:590:17:02

Good.

0:17:040:17:05

Now that you're being reasonable, why don't you compose yourself

0:17:050:17:08

and we'll start again. OK? OK. Go and sit down.

0:17:080:17:12

What's happening?

0:17:180:17:19

HE MOUTHS: I don't know.

0:17:190:17:21

Hello.

0:17:250:17:26

I was in here a moment ago discussing my sister's windows.

0:17:290:17:34

Yeah, I remember.

0:17:340:17:36

Well, I just got to thinking, the new door and window,

0:17:360:17:39

they don't match the rest of the windows in the house.

0:17:390:17:41

So, what I was thinking was maybe you can replace

0:17:410:17:43

the rest of the windows as well.

0:17:430:17:45

To maintain the aesthetic.

0:17:460:17:48

Right. And would you be looking to pay anything

0:17:490:17:55

for these windows, Ronnie? What do you think?

0:17:550:17:58

So, Maggie can expect someone round to measure up, what...on Monday?

0:18:000:18:04

Monday. Monday's great.

0:18:060:18:09

Pleasure doing business with you.

0:18:110:18:14

I'll be seeing you.

0:18:140:18:15

I love your little telly.

0:18:150:18:18

Oh, dear, did someone shoot the Sheriff?

0:18:280:18:30

Even for a bag of shit like you, you look like a bag of shit, mate.

0:18:300:18:35

Cracking under the pressure of not being me?

0:18:350:18:37

No chance. Just taking a little breather.

0:18:370:18:40

The only thing cracking round here are sales records.

0:18:400:18:44

Delighted to hear it. So tonight's celebrations

0:18:440:18:46

should be one to remember, eh, Lavender? Apparently so.

0:18:460:18:49

They don't call me the postman for nothing. I always deliver.

0:18:490:18:53

You two are going to be wanking over the memory of tonight's

0:18:530:18:56

little treat until the day you both die.

0:18:560:18:59

Nice to have my final death wank sorted.

0:18:590:19:01

Voila.

0:19:160:19:17

Have we broken down? I think you got the wrong address, Postie.

0:19:180:19:21

Think again, boys, because tonight we're pioneers,

0:19:210:19:25

witnessing the start of a whole new sexual movement.

0:19:250:19:29

Dogging.

0:19:290:19:30

What the fuck's dogging?

0:19:300:19:32

Dogging is the combination of two revolutions -

0:19:350:19:39

the motor vehicle revolution and the sexual revolution,

0:19:390:19:42

making the ultimate form of sexual expression.

0:19:420:19:45

You sly old dog. This has the potential to be interesting.

0:19:450:19:51

Fucking hell. Are there people having sex in these cars?

0:19:510:19:54

Yes, if that's all right with you, Lavender?

0:19:540:19:56

What are we doing?

0:19:570:19:59

I don't know about you but I'm going to go and have

0:19:590:20:02

a wank over some dirty fuckers screwing in a car park.

0:20:020:20:04

HEAVY BREATHING

0:20:090:20:13

Shit me. Fucking look at that.

0:20:130:20:16

Fuck me, they're going for it.

0:20:160:20:18

Welcome to the promised land.

0:20:180:20:20

Oi, Jimmy Hill, give the fucking live commentary a rest.

0:20:200:20:22

Oh, my God. Fitzpatrick, why have you brought me out

0:20:220:20:25

to watch two men fuck? Is this what you're into?

0:20:250:20:27

It's completely fine if you are, mate. Fuck off. I didn't know.

0:20:270:20:30

Anyone else want a turn?

0:20:300:20:32

Um, no, we, erm... We can't actually.

0:20:320:20:35

You see, we're not gay.

0:20:350:20:37

Why's he got his cock in his hand, then?

0:20:370:20:39

Yeah, no, sorry. I don't suppose you've spotted any females around?

0:20:390:20:44

It's not a bloody safari park.

0:20:440:20:46

Friday night is gay. Straight couples on Thursday.

0:20:460:20:48

Read the bloody newsletter, love.

0:20:480:20:49

Yep. Will do. Sorry about the mix up, it's a work night out.

0:20:490:20:53

Oh, my God. Fitzpatrick was tugging off to it.

0:21:020:21:06

Fuck off! Well, you're gay.

0:21:060:21:08

No, I wasn't. Oh, God, what's he doing now?

0:21:080:21:11

What do you think he's doing? He can't do that.

0:21:110:21:14

Don't bring us dogging then! Oh, Christ there's one behind us.

0:21:140:21:17

Shit, we're surrounded. Right let's get moving, Fitzpatrick.

0:21:170:21:20

I can't. We're boxed in.

0:21:200:21:21

HE BEEPS HORN Out the way, gentlemen. Don't startle them.

0:21:210:21:24

There's more over here. I can't get out.

0:21:240:21:26

Just move forward slowly and they'll clear.

0:21:260:21:29

They're not fucking deer.

0:21:290:21:30

I do hope that was a seagull that just shit up my window.

0:21:300:21:33

There's a gap. Floor it! Don't look back.

0:21:330:21:35

Drive, drive, drive! I am fucking driving!

0:21:350:21:39

It was a novel approach to team building, I'll give him that.

0:21:390:21:42

I was soon back in the countryside, although this time

0:21:420:21:44

there was only the one little prick to deal with.

0:21:440:21:46

So, er, what's your handicap, Vincent?

0:21:460:21:48

Probably a 9 or a 10. Comes in waves. But, yeah.

0:21:480:21:52

Probably an 8, or a 9, or a 10.

0:21:520:21:54

Interesting. Is that a brand-new club?

0:21:540:21:57

Yeah, never use the same club twice.

0:21:570:21:59

Mind if I tee off first?

0:21:590:22:01

All right, mate.

0:22:010:22:03

What do you reckon?

0:22:100:22:12

Yeah. Please.

0:22:140:22:15

Great to be back out on the course.

0:22:220:22:23

Is that...? Nah, it's all right.

0:22:250:22:27

Thought I saw someone out there. I didn't see anyone.

0:22:270:22:30

There definitely was something. Move out the fucking way!

0:22:300:22:33

Vincent, the etiquette in golf is to shout "Fore."

0:22:330:22:37

Yeah. Golf's all about etiquette for me.

0:22:370:22:40

Fucking fore!

0:22:400:22:41

Where were we?

0:22:410:22:43

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:22:430:22:44

Fuck's sake. What is it with golf, eh?

0:22:520:22:54

Why do we put ourselves through it?

0:22:540:22:56

There she is, the old lady.

0:23:090:23:13

Lovely.

0:23:130:23:15

Bollocks.

0:23:310:23:32

Get in the fucking hole.

0:23:320:23:34

Get in!

0:23:390:23:40

I think that means, taking into account your handicap...

0:23:400:23:43

I think that means I've won by 18 holes to none.

0:23:430:23:46

I don't mind saying the better man won.

0:23:460:23:48

There you are, boss. Until the next time.

0:23:510:23:53

My pleasure. And I'm not your boss. Not yet but...

0:23:530:23:56

Not ever. You'll never work for me. What?

0:23:560:23:59

Is this a joke?

0:24:010:24:02

No, you're the joke, Vincent. I know what you are.

0:24:020:24:05

I've spoken to people who've been exposed to your men's methods.

0:24:050:24:09

You're con-men.

0:24:090:24:10

Yes, all right, you've had a good few months.

0:24:100:24:13

But it won't last.

0:24:130:24:14

You're selling a worthless product for as much money as you can,

0:24:140:24:17

as quickly as you can. And sooner or later people will find out.

0:24:170:24:20

You're not proper businessmen, you're not salesmen.

0:24:200:24:23

You're hustlers. You're fairground workers in shiny suits,

0:24:230:24:26

selling a product as worthless as you are.

0:24:260:24:28

Is this because I called you a little prick?

0:24:280:24:31

Maybe.

0:24:310:24:32

Anyway, now that our interview's over, I'm afraid

0:24:320:24:35

I'm going to have to kindly ask you to leave,

0:24:350:24:37

since I don't think you are or ever will be a member of this club.

0:24:370:24:41

That's all right, mate, I'll gladly leave.

0:24:410:24:43

Like Groucho Marx said, "I refuse to join a golf club

0:24:470:24:50

"that would have you, a fucking little prick, as a member."

0:24:500:24:53

That's not the quote, actually.

0:24:530:24:55

Fuck off.

0:24:550:24:56

I don't know what to say. You were right.

0:25:010:25:04

I've let you all down.

0:25:050:25:06

Right, here's what you're going to do.

0:25:080:25:10

You're going to go back to Walshy, and ask him for your job back.

0:25:100:25:14

You might have to start a rung down... I can't, Sam.

0:25:140:25:18

It won't be for long, will it?

0:25:180:25:20

Fitzpatrick will be lucky if he gets another week as showroom manager.

0:25:200:25:23

I don't think I can do it.

0:25:230:25:25

Vincent, look at me.

0:25:250:25:27

No-one believes in you more than you do, baby. Right?

0:25:280:25:32

There's always going to be a Walshy or a little prick

0:25:320:25:36

trying to fuck you over, but you're better than them.

0:25:360:25:38

That's why I married you.

0:25:380:25:39

You old romantic.

0:25:390:25:41

I thought it was cos I got you pregnant. Yeah, there was that.

0:25:410:25:44

You are incredible. I thought you were going to leave me.

0:25:440:25:50

Well, it's hard to be mad at you when you're wearing

0:25:500:25:53

those tight white trousers. I do look a bit like John Travolta, eh?

0:25:530:25:55

More like Bucks Fizz. Sexier then.

0:25:550:25:57

Oh, yeah.

0:25:570:25:59

Now, do you think you've got time for a quick birdie

0:25:590:26:02

before the kids get back? Oh, we can do better than that.

0:26:020:26:05

How about a hole in one?

0:26:050:26:07

Or I could plop my balls in your... All right don't spoil it.

0:26:070:26:11

Here we go. I don't think

0:26:140:26:15

my gag reflex will let me swallow this much pride.

0:26:150:26:19

You wanted to see me, Vincent.

0:26:200:26:22

I want to get one thing straight from the start.

0:26:220:26:24

Yeah, hold on, hold on.

0:26:240:26:24

Before you say anything you might regret, come with me.

0:26:240:26:29

Ta-dah. Ford Granada LX. Top-of-the-range. Your company car.

0:26:290:26:36

Really? I think you've forgotten I don't work here any more.

0:26:360:26:39

Come on, don't milk it. This is me saying sorry.

0:26:390:26:43

I need you back, Vincent.

0:26:430:26:45

Fitzpatrick's taken us from selling 50 grand a week to zero.

0:26:450:26:49

Minus four grand if you include Carol's fucking unusable computer.

0:26:490:26:53

Well, you're on the right lines, Walshy.

0:26:530:26:56

But you better make it a BMW

0:26:560:26:58

or I'll never set foot in your poxy showroom again.

0:26:580:27:01

Oh, fucking hell, Vincent! Call it danger money.

0:27:010:27:04

Carol told me you've got that psycho Ronnie Farrell on your case.

0:27:040:27:07

OK. I'll call the leasing company and get you a BMW,

0:27:070:27:10

but you better get us out of this hole with Ronnie.

0:27:100:27:13

I can't afford to be giving away five grand's worth of windows.

0:27:130:27:16

Leave Ronnie to me.

0:27:160:27:18

'I quickly managed to get Ronnie Farrell onside by making him

0:27:180:27:21

'an offer he couldn't refuse.'

0:27:210:27:23

So you've sorted it with Farrell? Yeah, you can stop

0:27:230:27:25

shitting your pants now. He's not going to hurt anyone.

0:27:250:27:28

How did you do that? Let's just say we came to a compromise.

0:27:280:27:31

Great. What's the compromise?

0:27:310:27:33

I told him he can have the windows for free.

0:27:330:27:36

What?! Why have you done that?

0:27:360:27:38

Because he's an incredibly violent, dangerous man.

0:27:380:27:41

But that's going to cost me five fucking grand!

0:27:410:27:43

You should have thought about that before you put Fitzpatrick

0:27:430:27:46

in charge, you stupid prick. Let that be a valuable lesson to you.

0:27:460:27:49

'I did get one concession from Ronnie.

0:27:520:27:55

'Turns out as an eminent local businessman and being neither

0:27:550:27:58

'female, foreign or Jewish, Ronnie was a big wig at the golf club.

0:27:580:28:00

'For the price of one "nice little telly"

0:28:000:28:02

'I managed to wrangle membership.

0:28:020:28:04

'Now, golfers often say the toughest opponent you can face

0:28:040:28:07

'on the course is yourself.'

0:28:070:28:09

Oi! Stop getting in the way, you wanker!

0:28:090:28:13

Hurry up, bell ends!

0:28:130:28:15

Well, every Saturday morning from now until I eventually

0:28:150:28:17

get banned from this place,

0:28:170:28:18

I'm going to be this little prick's toughest opponent.

0:28:180:28:21

Fucking fore!

0:28:240:28:26

# It ain't no big thing

0:28:260:28:29

# To wait for the bell to ring

0:28:290:28:32

# It ain't no big thing

0:28:330:28:37

# The toll of the bell

0:28:370:28:39

# Aggravated spare for days

0:28:420:28:45

# I troll down town, the red light place

0:28:450:28:49

# Jump up bubble up, what's in store

0:28:490:28:53

# Love is the drug and I need to score... #

0:28:530:28:55

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