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This programme contains very strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
Having a company car is a basic human right. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:08 | |
Stop being an arse, Vincent. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:09 | |
No double glazing salesman has ever had a company car. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
Which is exactly why I think I deserve one. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
You are delusional, mate. You're having a tin bath! | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
Not by my lights. Do you know how much business I've brought in | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
these past three months? You know, the problem with you is | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
you've formed your own fan club. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:23 | |
The Vincent Swan fan club. Membership one - Vincent Swan. | 0:00:23 | 0:00:27 | |
You. Were you up all night working on that line, you smart arse prick? | 0:00:27 | 0:00:31 | |
284 grand is the answer. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
You aren't getting a fucking company car! End of! | 0:00:33 | 0:00:37 | |
Well, you've left me with no other choice than to resign, Walshy. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
You think I'm bothered? Resign then. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
I'll have 50 mugs lined up to do your job by lunchtime. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
Good luck with that. You'd better hire them all to replace | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
the money I bring in, you short-sighted wanker. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
Every man has his line in the sand and that prick Walshy just | 0:00:55 | 0:00:59 | |
took a piss all over mine. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
It's always been a dream of mine to have a company car. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
Ever since yesterday lunchtime. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
I go round the back, knock on his dressing room and say, "Listen..." | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
Who the fuck are these clowns? | 0:01:24 | 0:01:25 | |
"..you've got no face, and you've got fucking bollocks for hands. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
"Other than that you do pretty well." | 0:01:28 | 0:01:29 | |
HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
VINCENT CLEARS THROAT My dearest Suzanne. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
While I accept you have to serve other men, | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
you could at least try and pretend you're not enjoying it. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
Martin, this is Vincent Swan, local wind-up merchant. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
Runs Cachet Windows in the high street. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
Likes to pretend he runs this place as well. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
How are you doing, mate? | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
Yeah good, mate. Good. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
Martin works in magazine publishing. Very glamorous, eh? | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
I hope they're not porn mags, Martin. Ha, no. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
You'd be hard pushed to knock one out over one of our magazines. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
They're trade publications. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
You know, Ventilation Units Weekly, | 0:02:00 | 0:02:01 | |
Roofing Supply Monthly, that sort of thing. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
Fuck me, they sound about as boring as that suit you're wearing. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
There's no need for that. It's just a joke. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
I'll tell you what's not boring, my old son. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
The amount of money we're making selling advertising space. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
Now, what are you boys drinking? Nah, let me get these. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
Absolutely not. I insist. We're already running a tab. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
I'll just claim it back on the old expenses. What's your poison? | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
I'm not fussed. Whatever you're having. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
Lovely lager. Same for you, boyses? Cheers. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
You get an expense account? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
We spend half our lives on the road, wining and dining clients, | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
so the old company car and expense account comes in handy. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
Although it's not always easy getting a receipt | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
from a knocking shop in Manchester, is it, Mart? | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
No, it is not, Philip. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:38 | |
But it did save me from having to fellate the client myself. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
Here you go, boyses. Winner. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
Winner. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:45 | |
Winner. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:47 | |
Nice meeting you, boyses. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
If you ever fancy leaving the lucrative world | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
of door to door sales, give us a call. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
We're always on the lookout for new blood at Millman Young. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
Who do we ask for? Yeah, I wasn't talking to you. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
What sort of company car do you get? Ford Granada, XL. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
Oh, right. A cousin of mine used to rep for a stationary firm. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
He got given a Granada, and we're talking | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
a couple of years back before they gave them to any old wanker. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
Anyway, the first night he gets his new wheels | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
he decides to go for a spot of night fishing. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
Being a cheapskate, he won't shell out on luminous floats, | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
so he just drives the car up to the lake, | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
beams the headlights onto the water and... | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
Right, gentlemen, we should probably be making a move. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
Who's this little prick? Sorry what? | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
Vincent, this is Andrew, our sales director. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
Andrew, Vincent Swan, local raconteur. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
Time to get back to the phones, lads. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:31 | |
Obviously, they didn't teach you manners at whatever school | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
you've just bunked off from. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:35 | |
Do your parents know you're hanging out in pubs? | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
Yes, very funny. I'm clearly not a child. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
OK, that's us. Nice meeting you, boyses. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Hang on, I haven't finished my story. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
Oh, come on then, let's all hear the end of your story. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
Well, he'd parked the car on a bank with the handbrake off. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:50 | |
It rolled straight into the lake. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
That sounds very unlikely. Right, are we done? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
Hardly Peter Ustinov, is he? | 0:03:56 | 0:03:57 | |
Don't expect to see him on Parkinson anytime soon(!) | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
Brash fuckers. "Oh, look at me, I don't own my own car. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:09 | |
"I drive someone else's car, like a bloody bus driver." | 0:04:09 | 0:04:14 | |
Why was that little one so grumpy? | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
He's one of the Seven Dwarves, isn't he? | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
Fitzpatrick was right. They were brash fuckers. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
Which is why I was confident I'd fit right in there. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:25 | |
Right, no need to panic. Brian, you're temporary showroom manager. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
Yes! I won't let you down, boss. It is an honour. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:33 | |
You fucking kidding me? It's only temporary. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
But why him? Because he actually sells my bloody windows! | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
If you want to be considered for the role then get out there | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
and sign me some fucking orders! | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
Ouch. Can I just say that firing Vincent was a smart move. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:48 | |
I don't want to speak ill of the recently departed | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
but that man was a liability. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
I'm going to have to ring some serious changes round here | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
if we're going to be competitive again. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
Look, until I get the chance to meet some potential new recruits, | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
I just need you to steady the ship and not fuck anything up, Brian. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
Understood, boss. Still, in the meantime, | 0:05:04 | 0:05:08 | |
there's no harm me showing you how we get things done | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
the Fitzpatrick way. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:12 | |
You obviously are aware the name Fitzpatrick is synonymous | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
with fucking things up. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:16 | |
Yeah, well, unless you want it to be "synonymous" | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
with getting the sack, | 0:05:18 | 0:05:19 | |
I suggest you start showing your new boss some respect. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
OK. One, you're not my new boss, you're just a temporary manager. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
Two, respect is earned, mate, not demanded, and three... | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
you haven't got the balls to sack me. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
Yeah? Well I'll see your...and I'll raise you. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:35 | |
Oh, I'm not going to fire you, mate, | 0:05:35 | 0:05:36 | |
I've got something much, much worse in store for you. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
No, I'm going to be your mentor, I'll be Yoda to your Luke Skywalker. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:42 | |
I see what's happened here. You've mistaken being a weird, | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
ugly fella for being a Jedi Master. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
Are you two fucking imbeciles going to get off your arses and | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
sell my bloody windows or do I need to sack you, too?! | 0:05:50 | 0:05:53 | |
Chop chop, Lavender. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
So, you quit your job, without consulting me, | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
because he wouldn't give you a car when we've already got two cars. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
Company car, Sam, we're talking about a company car. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
Stop saying company car like it's a flying fucking carpet. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
It's still a bloody car we don't need. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
Unlike, er, food, clothes, a roof over our heads. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:14 | |
Will you just calm down? | 0:06:14 | 0:06:15 | |
This isn't like when I resigned from the refinery. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
You were sacked from the bloody refinery! You didn't resign! | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
Potato, pot-ato. Walked, sacked, it's all the same. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
It's not the same. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:24 | |
The important thing is here I've been offered a better job. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
One with a company car. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:30 | |
If you say company car one more time I'm divorcing you. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
What's the better job? Ah. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
See, this is what I've been trying to tell you. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:37 | |
I'm moving on from double glazing. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
Into publishing, selling advertising space in magazines. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
No more slumming it for me as a door to door salesman. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
And when were you planning on telling me about this new job, | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
then, Mr Advertising Executive? | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
Right after they offer it to me. The interview's tomorrow. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
So, when you say you've got a new job what you actually mean | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
is you haven't got a job? Potato, pot-ato. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
That's it, run away you spineless arsehole. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
Sam wasn't quite grasping the difference between a car and | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
a company car but I felt like now wasn't the time to enlighten her. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:07 | |
From sales performance to leadership qualities, | 0:07:07 | 0:07:11 | |
Vincent Swan is the single best employee I've ever had | 0:07:11 | 0:07:16 | |
the pleasure of working alongside. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
Our terrible loss | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
will be his new employer's most fortuitous gain. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:27 | |
Ah, that's sweet. Shall I finish it "Love, Walshy?" | 0:07:27 | 0:07:31 | |
No, "Yours sincerely, Mr Tony Walsh" will do. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
LAVENDER AND FITZPATRICK ENTER | 0:07:34 | 0:07:35 | |
He fainted instantly... What the fuck are you doing here? | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
Lovely to see you, too, Brian. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
If you've come to beg Walshy for your job back, you're too late. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
There's a new sheriff in town. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:44 | |
Yeah, I'd heard shit for brains had finally employed | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
a cowboy to run this place. Very funny. I've got one for you. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:50 | |
Knock knock. Who's there? | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
Vincent. Vincent who? | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
Exactly. Vincent Who. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
That's what people will say when I turn this business | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
into a mega success story. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:00 | |
So? I don't give a shit, mate, I've moved on. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
Got myself a job with those publishing boyses. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
You know what, if you're lucky, I might just let you have | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
a spin in my mega company car when it arrives. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
Fuck off. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
Congratulations, mate. Are they still looking for reps? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
You disloyal little shit. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
Do I sense some disharmony in the ranks? | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
Do let me know if you need a few pointers on how to motivate | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
a sales team, Sheriff. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:23 | |
From you? Do me a favour. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
No, my morale boosting end of week parties are going to | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
blow your grubby shenanigans | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
out the water with their decadence, depravity and... | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
Doctors? Daffodils? Dragons? Debauchery. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:38 | |
Well, that is lovely to hear cos I'm expecting you boyses | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
to throw me a memorable send off for my leaving do Friday. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
Well...trust me you will not be disappointed. I better not be. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
Well, you won't be. Excellent. More than excellent, mate. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
You'll probably need to bring a sick bag. Why's that? | 0:08:49 | 0:08:53 | |
Because... | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
I'm taking you on a roller-coaster ride of sexual thrills. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
I'm looking forward to it. I'll see you Friday. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
You haven't arranged anything, have you? No. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:06 | |
# Pull up to the bumper, baby... # | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
I'll say this for Fitzpatrick, | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
he was putting the hours in designing his sexy roller-coaster. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
Bingo. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
Welcome to the world of magazine publishing. Morning, boyses. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
These lucky pricks don't know it yet, but in the coming months | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
I'm going to be leading them to great things. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
First and foremost a great tailor. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
Fitzpatrick was right, those suits ARE fucking boring. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
He's just in here, Mr Swan. Thank you. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
Hello, Vincent. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
Hello. I didn't get your name the other day. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
Andrew. Andrew Davies. That's the one. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
Andrew. I thought Martin was going to be doing the interview. No. | 0:09:56 | 0:10:01 | |
We didn't get a chance to chat the other day. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
Well, we may have had a brief exchange, but... Did we? | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
Yes, we did, there was an exchange. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
Pffff. It's forgotten. Water under the bridge. Let's move on. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
Absolutely. Let's put it behind us. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
Now, Vincent, can I be frank with you? | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
You can be whoever you want, Andy. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
I find this whole concept of interviewing very flawed. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:27 | |
You know, two people sat across a desk, best foot forward, | 0:10:27 | 0:10:31 | |
spinning lie after lie at one another. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:32 | |
It's like being on a blind date. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
Hopefully with less fingering at the end. Ha, yeah. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:38 | |
Listen, I'll be completely straight with you, | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
if your sales figures and your references back up what my gut tells | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
me about you, then this interview is already two minutes too long. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
Well, that's very flattering, Andy. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
Maybe there can be a bit of fingering after all. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
Now, Vincent, do you like golf? Love the stuff. Excellent. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
Then what I propose is that we finish this interview | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
out on the golf course. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
Could you make Saturday, tee off around nine? | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
Perfect. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
Apologies in advance if the old competitive beast | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
comes out on the course. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
I've yet to meet a good salesman who isn't a terrible loser. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
Absolutely, boss. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
I'm sure I'll turn into a total cunt out there as well. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
I'll see you Saturday. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:14 | |
All right, boyses. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
Meanwhile, Fitzpatrick's attempt at modernising Cachet had hit | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
a Brummie brick wall. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:22 | |
If it's so bloody clever, why can't I just say, "Computer, | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
"store these addresses," rather than all this mumbo jumbo | 0:11:26 | 0:11:30 | |
from the future language. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
Because it's the cutting edge of technology, Carol, | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
not a genie from a fucking lamp. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
A lamp in here would be more useful. It gets very gloomy. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
Whether you like it or not, | 0:11:39 | 0:11:40 | |
I'm trying to drag this operation into the 1980s. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
You don't see NASA running off to a filing cabinet | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
every time one of their astronauts says, "Houston, we have a problem." | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Because they're completely comparable operations, | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
NASA and Cachet. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:53 | |
Now, that's a really shite telly. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
Carol, love, we need an address | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
for that bay window front door job in Tilbury. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
I'll get it from the filing cabinet. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
No, let's start as we mean to go on, yeah? | 0:12:02 | 0:12:06 | |
It's on the system. Under Tiernan. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
I don't know how to work it. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
Oh, come on, get out the way, will ya? | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
Let me demonstrate to you the power of technology. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
We haven't got all day! | 0:12:15 | 0:12:16 | |
All right, hold your horses! | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
Right. So, you press Shift 4. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:23 | |
Then type Tier...nan | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
into the search field | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
and... | 0:12:31 | 0:12:32 | |
BUZZER | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
It's not worked, has it? I'll get it from the filing cabinet. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
No, it's all right, I remember... I mean look it's here. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:40 | |
Ah, yeah. It's 78 Romley Avenue. Write that down for him, Carol. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:46 | |
Why don't you print it out for him? | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
Because there's no point wasting ink, is there? | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
Let's have a look. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:51 | |
Oh, no, must've been a power surge. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
I'll just...we'll have to reboot it. That's a shame. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:58 | |
Anything else, Brendan? | 0:12:59 | 0:13:00 | |
You know Romley Avenue's split into East and West, don't you? | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
Really? Well, that's an interesting story, Terry fucking Wogan. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:07 | |
Well, is it east or is it west? | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
Um... He'll just check on the computer. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
It's West. OK? It's fucking West. Now can we just move on. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
Come on. All right, West. Got it. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:19 | |
Thanks. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:20 | |
Got a mouth on him, hasn't he? | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
Keep an eye on him, Carol. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
Despite not having the first fucking clue about golf, | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
it wasn't going to stop me looking the part. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
Or, to be more precise, | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
looking like a kids' TV presenter who got dressed in the dark. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
Meanwhile, Fitzpatrick was discovering that new technology | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
is only ever as reliable as the fuckwit operating it. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
Uh-huh. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:43 | |
No, no, no, they would have done. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
No. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:50 | |
I'm looking at the docket now, | 0:13:51 | 0:13:52 | |
it says they were fitted this afternoon. 78 Romley Avenue West. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
What? | 0:13:58 | 0:13:59 | |
78 Romley Avenue East? | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
Yeah. No, that's what I meant. That's what it says on the docket. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
Bollocks. Do you want me to come with you? | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
What, and have you apologise the homeowners to death? | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
No, I'll take care of this. Fuck them before they fuck us. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
I understand, mistakes happen. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
It's our junior intern. She's first week. Still very nervous. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Been transferred to the New York showroom now. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
But, as it was wholly our mistake, I'm very happy to offer you | 0:14:30 | 0:14:35 | |
a generous 15% off the window and door. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:39 | |
But I didn't ask for them. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
I'm not paying for something I didn't ask for. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
Here we go. Look, I get it, I'm a businessman. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:47 | |
I admire your brazenness. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
You've seen an opportunity and you've run with it. Opportunity? | 0:14:49 | 0:14:52 | |
Yeah. You want free windows. That's fine, I don't blame ya. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:56 | |
You live here. It's a bit of a shit-hole. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
You want to make it look nicer. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
Sorry - let me make this very clear. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
I don't want your horrible windows. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you let | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
my fitter install them! Well, as it happens, | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
my nine-year-old daughter was at home on her own | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
expecting the window cleaner. Your fitter called, | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
said he was here to do the windows so she let him in. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
Your fitter needs to get his addresses right. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:20 | |
Yeah, well, I blame the girl far more than him, to be honest. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:24 | |
I'm picturing her, I'm picturing an idiot. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
Do not call my daughter an idiot. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:29 | |
Right. I'd like you off my property right now. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:34 | |
That's fine, but my fitter will be round here tomorrow | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
to rip out that window. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:39 | |
And, if you resist, I'll have you arrested for theft. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
Do you know what you are? Classic pikey scum. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
Pikey scum that wants something for nothing, | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
just for sitting on your fat arse all day. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
Right. That is it. I am calling my brother. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
I don't think your big brother's going to make this go away. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
Oh, I think he might. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
That's all been resolved, then, has it? | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
I think I've just called Ronnie Farrell's sister pikey scum. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
Ronnie Farrell who runs Ronnie Farrell Debt Collection? | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
The one with a conviction for manslaughter? | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
No, the other Ronnie Farrell who works for Amnesty, you daft prick. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:20 | |
Isn't he a bit...dangerous? | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
He's a fucking lunatic! | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
And I just called his nine-year-old niece an idiot. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
I'm a dead man, right? | 0:16:27 | 0:16:28 | |
No, I mean gangsters very rarely take slights | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
against their family seriously. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
Yeah, she's probably bluffing. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
HE WRITHES IN PAIN | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
Apologise to my sister. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
I'm sorry...I'm really sorry. Ronnie, please! | 0:16:42 | 0:16:46 | |
Aargh! | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
She keeps the door and window. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:49 | |
Yes, absolutely. Free of charge. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:53 | |
Obviously, free of charge, you tit. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
Yeah, I know, I was just clarifying. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
Aargh, Ronnie, please...! | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
Good. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:05 | |
Now that you're being reasonable, why don't you compose yourself | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
and we'll start again. OK? OK. Go and sit down. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:12 | |
What's happening? | 0:17:18 | 0:17:19 | |
HE MOUTHS: I don't know. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
Hello. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:26 | |
I was in here a moment ago discussing my sister's windows. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:34 | |
Yeah, I remember. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
Well, I just got to thinking, the new door and window, | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
they don't match the rest of the windows in the house. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
So, what I was thinking was maybe you can replace | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
the rest of the windows as well. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
To maintain the aesthetic. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
Right. And would you be looking to pay anything | 0:17:49 | 0:17:55 | |
for these windows, Ronnie? What do you think? | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
So, Maggie can expect someone round to measure up, what...on Monday? | 0:18:00 | 0:18:04 | |
Monday. Monday's great. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
Pleasure doing business with you. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
I'll be seeing you. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:15 | |
I love your little telly. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:18 | |
Oh, dear, did someone shoot the Sheriff? | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
Even for a bag of shit like you, you look like a bag of shit, mate. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:35 | |
Cracking under the pressure of not being me? | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
No chance. Just taking a little breather. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:40 | |
The only thing cracking round here are sales records. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:44 | |
Delighted to hear it. So tonight's celebrations | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
should be one to remember, eh, Lavender? Apparently so. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
They don't call me the postman for nothing. I always deliver. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:53 | |
You two are going to be wanking over the memory of tonight's | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
little treat until the day you both die. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
Nice to have my final death wank sorted. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
Voila. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:17 | |
Have we broken down? I think you got the wrong address, Postie. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
Think again, boys, because tonight we're pioneers, | 0:19:21 | 0:19:25 | |
witnessing the start of a whole new sexual movement. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:29 | |
Dogging. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:30 | |
What the fuck's dogging? | 0:19:30 | 0:19:32 | |
Dogging is the combination of two revolutions - | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
the motor vehicle revolution and the sexual revolution, | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
making the ultimate form of sexual expression. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
You sly old dog. This has the potential to be interesting. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:51 | |
Fucking hell. Are there people having sex in these cars? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
Yes, if that's all right with you, Lavender? | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
What are we doing? | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
I don't know about you but I'm going to go and have | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
a wank over some dirty fuckers screwing in a car park. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
HEAVY BREATHING | 0:20:09 | 0:20:13 | |
Shit me. Fucking look at that. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
Fuck me, they're going for it. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
Welcome to the promised land. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
Oi, Jimmy Hill, give the fucking live commentary a rest. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
Oh, my God. Fitzpatrick, why have you brought me out | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
to watch two men fuck? Is this what you're into? | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
It's completely fine if you are, mate. Fuck off. I didn't know. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
Anyone else want a turn? | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
Um, no, we, erm... We can't actually. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
You see, we're not gay. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
Why's he got his cock in his hand, then? | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
Yeah, no, sorry. I don't suppose you've spotted any females around? | 0:20:39 | 0:20:44 | |
It's not a bloody safari park. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
Friday night is gay. Straight couples on Thursday. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
Read the bloody newsletter, love. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:49 | |
Yep. Will do. Sorry about the mix up, it's a work night out. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:53 | |
Oh, my God. Fitzpatrick was tugging off to it. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:06 | |
Fuck off! Well, you're gay. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
No, I wasn't. Oh, God, what's he doing now? | 0:21:08 | 0:21:11 | |
What do you think he's doing? He can't do that. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:14 | |
Don't bring us dogging then! Oh, Christ there's one behind us. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:17 | |
Shit, we're surrounded. Right let's get moving, Fitzpatrick. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
I can't. We're boxed in. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:21 | |
HE BEEPS HORN Out the way, gentlemen. Don't startle them. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
There's more over here. I can't get out. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
Just move forward slowly and they'll clear. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
They're not fucking deer. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:30 | |
I do hope that was a seagull that just shit up my window. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
There's a gap. Floor it! Don't look back. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
Drive, drive, drive! I am fucking driving! | 0:21:35 | 0:21:39 | |
It was a novel approach to team building, I'll give him that. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
I was soon back in the countryside, although this time | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
there was only the one little prick to deal with. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
So, er, what's your handicap, Vincent? | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
Probably a 9 or a 10. Comes in waves. But, yeah. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
Probably an 8, or a 9, or a 10. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
Interesting. Is that a brand-new club? | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
Yeah, never use the same club twice. | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
Mind if I tee off first? | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
All right, mate. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
What do you reckon? | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
Yeah. Please. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:15 | |
Great to be back out on the course. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:23 | |
Is that...? Nah, it's all right. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
Thought I saw someone out there. I didn't see anyone. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
There definitely was something. Move out the fucking way! | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
Vincent, the etiquette in golf is to shout "Fore." | 0:22:33 | 0:22:37 | |
Yeah. Golf's all about etiquette for me. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
Fucking fore! | 0:22:40 | 0:22:41 | |
Where were we? | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:22:43 | 0:22:44 | |
Fuck's sake. What is it with golf, eh? | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
Why do we put ourselves through it? | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
There she is, the old lady. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:13 | |
Lovely. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:15 | |
Bollocks. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:32 | |
Get in the fucking hole. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
Get in! | 0:23:39 | 0:23:40 | |
I think that means, taking into account your handicap... | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
I think that means I've won by 18 holes to none. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
I don't mind saying the better man won. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
There you are, boss. Until the next time. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
My pleasure. And I'm not your boss. Not yet but... | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
Not ever. You'll never work for me. What? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
Is this a joke? | 0:24:01 | 0:24:02 | |
No, you're the joke, Vincent. I know what you are. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
I've spoken to people who've been exposed to your men's methods. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:09 | |
You're con-men. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:10 | |
Yes, all right, you've had a good few months. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
But it won't last. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:14 | |
You're selling a worthless product for as much money as you can, | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
as quickly as you can. And sooner or later people will find out. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
You're not proper businessmen, you're not salesmen. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
You're hustlers. You're fairground workers in shiny suits, | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
selling a product as worthless as you are. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
Is this because I called you a little prick? | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
Maybe. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:32 | |
Anyway, now that our interview's over, I'm afraid | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
I'm going to have to kindly ask you to leave, | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
since I don't think you are or ever will be a member of this club. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:41 | |
That's all right, mate, I'll gladly leave. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:43 | |
Like Groucho Marx said, "I refuse to join a golf club | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
"that would have you, a fucking little prick, as a member." | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
That's not the quote, actually. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
Fuck off. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:56 | |
I don't know what to say. You were right. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
I've let you all down. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:06 | |
Right, here's what you're going to do. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
You're going to go back to Walshy, and ask him for your job back. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:14 | |
You might have to start a rung down... I can't, Sam. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:18 | |
It won't be for long, will it? | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
Fitzpatrick will be lucky if he gets another week as showroom manager. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
I don't think I can do it. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
Vincent, look at me. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
No-one believes in you more than you do, baby. Right? | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
There's always going to be a Walshy or a little prick | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
trying to fuck you over, but you're better than them. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
That's why I married you. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:39 | |
You old romantic. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
I thought it was cos I got you pregnant. Yeah, there was that. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:44 | |
You are incredible. I thought you were going to leave me. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:50 | |
Well, it's hard to be mad at you when you're wearing | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
those tight white trousers. I do look a bit like John Travolta, eh? | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
More like Bucks Fizz. Sexier then. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
Now, do you think you've got time for a quick birdie | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
before the kids get back? Oh, we can do better than that. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
How about a hole in one? | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
Or I could plop my balls in your... All right don't spoil it. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:11 | |
Here we go. I don't think | 0:26:14 | 0:26:15 | |
my gag reflex will let me swallow this much pride. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:19 | |
You wanted to see me, Vincent. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:22 | |
I want to get one thing straight from the start. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
Yeah, hold on, hold on. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:24 | |
Before you say anything you might regret, come with me. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:29 | |
Ta-dah. Ford Granada LX. Top-of-the-range. Your company car. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:36 | |
Really? I think you've forgotten I don't work here any more. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
Come on, don't milk it. This is me saying sorry. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:43 | |
I need you back, Vincent. | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
Fitzpatrick's taken us from selling 50 grand a week to zero. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:49 | |
Minus four grand if you include Carol's fucking unusable computer. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:53 | |
Well, you're on the right lines, Walshy. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
But you better make it a BMW | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
or I'll never set foot in your poxy showroom again. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
Oh, fucking hell, Vincent! Call it danger money. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
Carol told me you've got that psycho Ronnie Farrell on your case. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
OK. I'll call the leasing company and get you a BMW, | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
but you better get us out of this hole with Ronnie. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
I can't afford to be giving away five grand's worth of windows. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
Leave Ronnie to me. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
'I quickly managed to get Ronnie Farrell onside by making him | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
'an offer he couldn't refuse.' | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
So you've sorted it with Farrell? Yeah, you can stop | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
shitting your pants now. He's not going to hurt anyone. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
How did you do that? Let's just say we came to a compromise. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
Great. What's the compromise? | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
I told him he can have the windows for free. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
What?! Why have you done that? | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
Because he's an incredibly violent, dangerous man. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:41 | |
But that's going to cost me five fucking grand! | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
You should have thought about that before you put Fitzpatrick | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
in charge, you stupid prick. Let that be a valuable lesson to you. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
'I did get one concession from Ronnie. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
'Turns out as an eminent local businessman and being neither | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
'female, foreign or Jewish, Ronnie was a big wig at the golf club. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:00 | |
'For the price of one "nice little telly" | 0:28:00 | 0:28:02 | |
'I managed to wrangle membership. | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
'Now, golfers often say the toughest opponent you can face | 0:28:04 | 0:28:07 | |
'on the course is yourself.' | 0:28:07 | 0:28:09 | |
Oi! Stop getting in the way, you wanker! | 0:28:09 | 0:28:13 | |
Hurry up, bell ends! | 0:28:13 | 0:28:15 | |
Well, every Saturday morning from now until I eventually | 0:28:15 | 0:28:17 | |
get banned from this place, | 0:28:17 | 0:28:18 | |
I'm going to be this little prick's toughest opponent. | 0:28:18 | 0:28:21 | |
Fucking fore! | 0:28:24 | 0:28:26 | |
# It ain't no big thing | 0:28:26 | 0:28:29 | |
# To wait for the bell to ring | 0:28:29 | 0:28:32 | |
# It ain't no big thing | 0:28:33 | 0:28:37 | |
# The toll of the bell | 0:28:37 | 0:28:39 | |
# Aggravated spare for days | 0:28:42 | 0:28:45 | |
# I troll down town, the red light place | 0:28:45 | 0:28:49 | |
# Jump up bubble up, what's in store | 0:28:49 | 0:28:53 | |
# Love is the drug and I need to score... # | 0:28:53 | 0:28:55 |