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This programme contains very strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
Having a company car is a basic human right.
Stop being an arse, Vincent.
No double glazing salesman has ever had a company car.
Which is exactly why I think I deserve one.
You are delusional, mate. You're having a tin bath!
Not by my lights. Do you know how much business I've brought in
these past three months? You know, the problem with you is
you've formed your own fan club.
The Vincent Swan fan club. Membership one - Vincent Swan.
You. Were you up all night working on that line, you smart arse prick?
284 grand is the answer.
You aren't getting a fucking company car! End of!
Well, you've left me with no other choice than to resign, Walshy.
You think I'm bothered? Resign then.
I'll have 50 mugs lined up to do your job by lunchtime.
Good luck with that. You'd better hire them all to replace
the money I bring in, you short-sighted wanker.
Every man has his line in the sand and that prick Walshy just
took a piss all over mine.
It's always been a dream of mine to have a company car.
Ever since yesterday lunchtime.
I go round the back, knock on his dressing room and say, "Listen..."
Who the fuck are these clowns?
"..you've got no face, and you've got fucking bollocks for hands.
"Other than that you do pretty well."
VINCENT CLEARS THROAT My dearest Suzanne.
While I accept you have to serve other men,
you could at least try and pretend you're not enjoying it.
Martin, this is Vincent Swan, local wind-up merchant.
Runs Cachet Windows in the high street.
Likes to pretend he runs this place as well.
How are you doing, mate?
Yeah good, mate. Good.
Martin works in magazine publishing. Very glamorous, eh?
I hope they're not porn mags, Martin. Ha, no.
You'd be hard pushed to knock one out over one of our magazines.
They're trade publications.
You know, Ventilation Units Weekly,
Roofing Supply Monthly, that sort of thing.
Fuck me, they sound about as boring as that suit you're wearing.
There's no need for that. It's just a joke.
I'll tell you what's not boring, my old son.
The amount of money we're making selling advertising space.
Now, what are you boys drinking? Nah, let me get these.
Absolutely not. I insist. We're already running a tab.
I'll just claim it back on the old expenses. What's your poison?
I'm not fussed. Whatever you're having.
Lovely lager. Same for you, boyses? Cheers.
You get an expense account?
We spend half our lives on the road, wining and dining clients,
so the old company car and expense account comes in handy.
Although it's not always easy getting a receipt
from a knocking shop in Manchester, is it, Mart?
No, it is not, Philip.
But it did save me from having to fellate the client myself.
Here you go, boyses. Winner.
Nice meeting you, boyses.
If you ever fancy leaving the lucrative world
of door to door sales, give us a call.
We're always on the lookout for new blood at Millman Young.
Who do we ask for? Yeah, I wasn't talking to you.
What sort of company car do you get? Ford Granada, XL.
Oh, right. A cousin of mine used to rep for a stationary firm.
He got given a Granada, and we're talking
a couple of years back before they gave them to any old wanker.
Anyway, the first night he gets his new wheels
he decides to go for a spot of night fishing.
Being a cheapskate, he won't shell out on luminous floats,
so he just drives the car up to the lake,
beams the headlights onto the water and...
Right, gentlemen, we should probably be making a move.
Who's this little prick? Sorry what?
Vincent, this is Andrew, our sales director.
Andrew, Vincent Swan, local raconteur.
Time to get back to the phones, lads.
Obviously, they didn't teach you manners at whatever school
you've just bunked off from.
Do your parents know you're hanging out in pubs?
Yes, very funny. I'm clearly not a child.
OK, that's us. Nice meeting you, boyses.
Hang on, I haven't finished my story.
Oh, come on then, let's all hear the end of your story.
Well, he'd parked the car on a bank with the handbrake off.
It rolled straight into the lake.
That sounds very unlikely. Right, are we done?
Hardly Peter Ustinov, is he?
Don't expect to see him on Parkinson anytime soon(!)
Brash fuckers. "Oh, look at me, I don't own my own car.
"I drive someone else's car, like a bloody bus driver."
Why was that little one so grumpy?
He's one of the Seven Dwarves, isn't he?
Fitzpatrick was right. They were brash fuckers.
Which is why I was confident I'd fit right in there.
Right, no need to panic. Brian, you're temporary showroom manager.
Yes! I won't let you down, boss. It is an honour.
You fucking kidding me? It's only temporary.
But why him? Because he actually sells my bloody windows!
If you want to be considered for the role then get out there
and sign me some fucking orders!
Ouch. Can I just say that firing Vincent was a smart move.
I don't want to speak ill of the recently departed
but that man was a liability.
I'm going to have to ring some serious changes round here
if we're going to be competitive again.
Look, until I get the chance to meet some potential new recruits,
I just need you to steady the ship and not fuck anything up, Brian.
Understood, boss. Still, in the meantime,
there's no harm me showing you how we get things done
the Fitzpatrick way.
You obviously are aware the name Fitzpatrick is synonymous
with fucking things up.
Yeah, well, unless you want it to be "synonymous"
with getting the sack,
I suggest you start showing your new boss some respect.
OK. One, you're not my new boss, you're just a temporary manager.
Two, respect is earned, mate, not demanded, and three...
you haven't got the balls to sack me.
Yeah? Well I'll see your...and I'll raise you.
Oh, I'm not going to fire you, mate,
I've got something much, much worse in store for you.
No, I'm going to be your mentor, I'll be Yoda to your Luke Skywalker.
I see what's happened here. You've mistaken being a weird,
ugly fella for being a Jedi Master.
Are you two fucking imbeciles going to get off your arses and
sell my bloody windows or do I need to sack you, too?!
Chop chop, Lavender.
So, you quit your job, without consulting me,
because he wouldn't give you a car when we've already got two cars.
Company car, Sam, we're talking about a company car.
Stop saying company car like it's a flying fucking carpet.
It's still a bloody car we don't need.
Unlike, er, food, clothes, a roof over our heads.
Will you just calm down?
This isn't like when I resigned from the refinery.
You were sacked from the bloody refinery! You didn't resign!
Potato, pot-ato. Walked, sacked, it's all the same.
It's not the same.
The important thing is here I've been offered a better job.
One with a company car.
If you say company car one more time I'm divorcing you.
What's the better job? Ah.
See, this is what I've been trying to tell you.
I'm moving on from double glazing.
Into publishing, selling advertising space in magazines.
No more slumming it for me as a door to door salesman.
And when were you planning on telling me about this new job,
then, Mr Advertising Executive?
Right after they offer it to me. The interview's tomorrow.
So, when you say you've got a new job what you actually mean
is you haven't got a job? Potato, pot-ato.
That's it, run away you spineless arsehole.
Sam wasn't quite grasping the difference between a car and
a company car but I felt like now wasn't the time to enlighten her.
From sales performance to leadership qualities,
Vincent Swan is the single best employee I've ever had
the pleasure of working alongside.
Our terrible loss
will be his new employer's most fortuitous gain.
Ah, that's sweet. Shall I finish it "Love, Walshy?"
No, "Yours sincerely, Mr Tony Walsh" will do.
LAVENDER AND FITZPATRICK ENTER
He fainted instantly... What the fuck are you doing here?
Lovely to see you, too, Brian.
If you've come to beg Walshy for your job back, you're too late.
There's a new sheriff in town.
Yeah, I'd heard shit for brains had finally employed
a cowboy to run this place. Very funny. I've got one for you.
Knock knock. Who's there?
Vincent. Vincent who?
Exactly. Vincent Who.
That's what people will say when I turn this business
into a mega success story.
So? I don't give a shit, mate, I've moved on.
Got myself a job with those publishing boyses.
You know what, if you're lucky, I might just let you have
a spin in my mega company car when it arrives.
Congratulations, mate. Are they still looking for reps?
You disloyal little shit.
Do I sense some disharmony in the ranks?
Do let me know if you need a few pointers on how to motivate
a sales team, Sheriff.
From you? Do me a favour.
No, my morale boosting end of week parties are going to
blow your grubby shenanigans
out the water with their decadence, depravity and...
Doctors? Daffodils? Dragons? Debauchery.
Well, that is lovely to hear cos I'm expecting you boyses
to throw me a memorable send off for my leaving do Friday.
Well...trust me you will not be disappointed. I better not be.
Well, you won't be. Excellent. More than excellent, mate.
You'll probably need to bring a sick bag. Why's that?
I'm taking you on a roller-coaster ride of sexual thrills.
I'm looking forward to it. I'll see you Friday.
You haven't arranged anything, have you? No.
# Pull up to the bumper, baby... #
I'll say this for Fitzpatrick,
he was putting the hours in designing his sexy roller-coaster.
Welcome to the world of magazine publishing. Morning, boyses.
These lucky pricks don't know it yet, but in the coming months
I'm going to be leading them to great things.
First and foremost a great tailor.
Fitzpatrick was right, those suits ARE fucking boring.
He's just in here, Mr Swan. Thank you.
Hello. I didn't get your name the other day.
Andrew. Andrew Davies. That's the one.
Andrew. I thought Martin was going to be doing the interview. No.
We didn't get a chance to chat the other day.
Well, we may have had a brief exchange, but... Did we?
Yes, we did, there was an exchange.
Pffff. It's forgotten. Water under the bridge. Let's move on.
Absolutely. Let's put it behind us.
Now, Vincent, can I be frank with you?
You can be whoever you want, Andy.
I find this whole concept of interviewing very flawed.
You know, two people sat across a desk, best foot forward,
spinning lie after lie at one another.
It's like being on a blind date.
Hopefully with less fingering at the end. Ha, yeah.
Listen, I'll be completely straight with you,
if your sales figures and your references back up what my gut tells
me about you, then this interview is already two minutes too long.
Well, that's very flattering, Andy.
Maybe there can be a bit of fingering after all.
Now, Vincent, do you like golf? Love the stuff. Excellent.
Then what I propose is that we finish this interview
out on the golf course.
Could you make Saturday, tee off around nine?
Apologies in advance if the old competitive beast
comes out on the course.
I've yet to meet a good salesman who isn't a terrible loser.
I'm sure I'll turn into a total cunt out there as well.
I'll see you Saturday.
All right, boyses.
Meanwhile, Fitzpatrick's attempt at modernising Cachet had hit
a Brummie brick wall.
If it's so bloody clever, why can't I just say, "Computer,
"store these addresses," rather than all this mumbo jumbo
from the future language.
Because it's the cutting edge of technology, Carol,
not a genie from a fucking lamp.
A lamp in here would be more useful. It gets very gloomy.
Whether you like it or not,
I'm trying to drag this operation into the 1980s.
You don't see NASA running off to a filing cabinet
every time one of their astronauts says, "Houston, we have a problem."
Because they're completely comparable operations,
NASA and Cachet.
Now, that's a really shite telly.
Carol, love, we need an address
for that bay window front door job in Tilbury.
I'll get it from the filing cabinet.
No, let's start as we mean to go on, yeah?
It's on the system. Under Tiernan.
I don't know how to work it.
Oh, come on, get out the way, will ya?
Let me demonstrate to you the power of technology.
We haven't got all day!
All right, hold your horses!
Right. So, you press Shift 4.
Then type Tier...nan
into the search field
It's not worked, has it? I'll get it from the filing cabinet.
No, it's all right, I remember... I mean look it's here.
Ah, yeah. It's 78 Romley Avenue. Write that down for him, Carol.
Why don't you print it out for him?
Because there's no point wasting ink, is there?
Let's have a look.
Oh, no, must've been a power surge.
I'll just...we'll have to reboot it. That's a shame.
Anything else, Brendan?
You know Romley Avenue's split into East and West, don't you?
Really? Well, that's an interesting story, Terry fucking Wogan.
Well, is it east or is it west?
Um... He'll just check on the computer.
It's West. OK? It's fucking West. Now can we just move on.
Come on. All right, West. Got it.
Got a mouth on him, hasn't he?
Keep an eye on him, Carol.
Despite not having the first fucking clue about golf,
it wasn't going to stop me looking the part.
Or, to be more precise,
looking like a kids' TV presenter who got dressed in the dark.
Meanwhile, Fitzpatrick was discovering that new technology
is only ever as reliable as the fuckwit operating it.
No, no, no, they would have done.
I'm looking at the docket now,
it says they were fitted this afternoon. 78 Romley Avenue West.
78 Romley Avenue East?
Yeah. No, that's what I meant. That's what it says on the docket.
Bollocks. Do you want me to come with you?
What, and have you apologise the homeowners to death?
No, I'll take care of this. Fuck them before they fuck us.
I understand, mistakes happen.
It's our junior intern. She's first week. Still very nervous.
Been transferred to the New York showroom now.
But, as it was wholly our mistake, I'm very happy to offer you
a generous 15% off the window and door.
But I didn't ask for them.
I'm not paying for something I didn't ask for.
Here we go. Look, I get it, I'm a businessman.
I admire your brazenness.
You've seen an opportunity and you've run with it. Opportunity?
Yeah. You want free windows. That's fine, I don't blame ya.
You live here. It's a bit of a shit-hole.
You want to make it look nicer.
Sorry - let me make this very clear.
I don't want your horrible windows.
Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you let
my fitter install them! Well, as it happens,
my nine-year-old daughter was at home on her own
expecting the window cleaner. Your fitter called,
said he was here to do the windows so she let him in.
Your fitter needs to get his addresses right.
Yeah, well, I blame the girl far more than him, to be honest.
I'm picturing her, I'm picturing an idiot.
Do not call my daughter an idiot.
Right. I'd like you off my property right now.
That's fine, but my fitter will be round here tomorrow
to rip out that window.
And, if you resist, I'll have you arrested for theft.
Do you know what you are? Classic pikey scum.
Pikey scum that wants something for nothing,
just for sitting on your fat arse all day.
Right. That is it. I am calling my brother.
I don't think your big brother's going to make this go away.
Oh, I think he might.
That's all been resolved, then, has it?
I think I've just called Ronnie Farrell's sister pikey scum.
Ronnie Farrell who runs Ronnie Farrell Debt Collection?
The one with a conviction for manslaughter?
No, the other Ronnie Farrell who works for Amnesty, you daft prick.
Isn't he a bit...dangerous?
He's a fucking lunatic!
And I just called his nine-year-old niece an idiot.
I'm a dead man, right?
No, I mean gangsters very rarely take slights
against their family seriously.
Yeah, she's probably bluffing.
HE WRITHES IN PAIN
Apologise to my sister.
I'm sorry...I'm really sorry. Ronnie, please!
She keeps the door and window.
Yes, absolutely. Free of charge.
Obviously, free of charge, you tit.
Yeah, I know, I was just clarifying.
Aargh, Ronnie, please...!
Now that you're being reasonable, why don't you compose yourself
and we'll start again. OK? OK. Go and sit down.
HE MOUTHS: I don't know.
I was in here a moment ago discussing my sister's windows.
Yeah, I remember.
Well, I just got to thinking, the new door and window,
they don't match the rest of the windows in the house.
So, what I was thinking was maybe you can replace
the rest of the windows as well.
To maintain the aesthetic.
Right. And would you be looking to pay anything
for these windows, Ronnie? What do you think?
So, Maggie can expect someone round to measure up, what...on Monday?
Monday. Monday's great.
Pleasure doing business with you.
I'll be seeing you.
I love your little telly.
Oh, dear, did someone shoot the Sheriff?
Even for a bag of shit like you, you look like a bag of shit, mate.
Cracking under the pressure of not being me?
No chance. Just taking a little breather.
The only thing cracking round here are sales records.
Delighted to hear it. So tonight's celebrations
should be one to remember, eh, Lavender? Apparently so.
They don't call me the postman for nothing. I always deliver.
You two are going to be wanking over the memory of tonight's
little treat until the day you both die.
Nice to have my final death wank sorted.
Have we broken down? I think you got the wrong address, Postie.
Think again, boys, because tonight we're pioneers,
witnessing the start of a whole new sexual movement.
What the fuck's dogging?
Dogging is the combination of two revolutions -
the motor vehicle revolution and the sexual revolution,
making the ultimate form of sexual expression.
You sly old dog. This has the potential to be interesting.
Fucking hell. Are there people having sex in these cars?
Yes, if that's all right with you, Lavender?
What are we doing?
I don't know about you but I'm going to go and have
a wank over some dirty fuckers screwing in a car park.
Shit me. Fucking look at that.
Fuck me, they're going for it.
Welcome to the promised land.
Oi, Jimmy Hill, give the fucking live commentary a rest.
Oh, my God. Fitzpatrick, why have you brought me out
to watch two men fuck? Is this what you're into?
It's completely fine if you are, mate. Fuck off. I didn't know.
Anyone else want a turn?
Um, no, we, erm... We can't actually.
You see, we're not gay.
Why's he got his cock in his hand, then?
Yeah, no, sorry. I don't suppose you've spotted any females around?
It's not a bloody safari park.
Friday night is gay. Straight couples on Thursday.
Read the bloody newsletter, love.
Yep. Will do. Sorry about the mix up, it's a work night out.
Oh, my God. Fitzpatrick was tugging off to it.
Fuck off! Well, you're gay.
No, I wasn't. Oh, God, what's he doing now?
What do you think he's doing? He can't do that.
Don't bring us dogging then! Oh, Christ there's one behind us.
Shit, we're surrounded. Right let's get moving, Fitzpatrick.
I can't. We're boxed in.
HE BEEPS HORN Out the way, gentlemen. Don't startle them.
There's more over here. I can't get out.
Just move forward slowly and they'll clear.
They're not fucking deer.
I do hope that was a seagull that just shit up my window.
There's a gap. Floor it! Don't look back.
Drive, drive, drive! I am fucking driving!
It was a novel approach to team building, I'll give him that.
I was soon back in the countryside, although this time
there was only the one little prick to deal with.
So, er, what's your handicap, Vincent?
Probably a 9 or a 10. Comes in waves. But, yeah.
Probably an 8, or a 9, or a 10.
Interesting. Is that a brand-new club?
Yeah, never use the same club twice.
Mind if I tee off first?
All right, mate.
What do you reckon?
Great to be back out on the course.
Is that...? Nah, it's all right.
Thought I saw someone out there. I didn't see anyone.
There definitely was something. Move out the fucking way!
Vincent, the etiquette in golf is to shout "Fore."
Yeah. Golf's all about etiquette for me.
Where were we?
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Fuck's sake. What is it with golf, eh?
Why do we put ourselves through it?
There she is, the old lady.
Get in the fucking hole.
I think that means, taking into account your handicap...
I think that means I've won by 18 holes to none.
I don't mind saying the better man won.
There you are, boss. Until the next time.
My pleasure. And I'm not your boss. Not yet but...
Not ever. You'll never work for me. What?
Is this a joke?
No, you're the joke, Vincent. I know what you are.
I've spoken to people who've been exposed to your men's methods.
Yes, all right, you've had a good few months.
But it won't last.
You're selling a worthless product for as much money as you can,
as quickly as you can. And sooner or later people will find out.
You're not proper businessmen, you're not salesmen.
You're hustlers. You're fairground workers in shiny suits,
selling a product as worthless as you are.
Is this because I called you a little prick?
Anyway, now that our interview's over, I'm afraid
I'm going to have to kindly ask you to leave,
since I don't think you are or ever will be a member of this club.
That's all right, mate, I'll gladly leave.
Like Groucho Marx said, "I refuse to join a golf club
"that would have you, a fucking little prick, as a member."
That's not the quote, actually.
I don't know what to say. You were right.
I've let you all down.
Right, here's what you're going to do.
You're going to go back to Walshy, and ask him for your job back.
You might have to start a rung down... I can't, Sam.
It won't be for long, will it?
Fitzpatrick will be lucky if he gets another week as showroom manager.
I don't think I can do it.
Vincent, look at me.
No-one believes in you more than you do, baby. Right?
There's always going to be a Walshy or a little prick
trying to fuck you over, but you're better than them.
That's why I married you.
You old romantic.
I thought it was cos I got you pregnant. Yeah, there was that.
You are incredible. I thought you were going to leave me.
Well, it's hard to be mad at you when you're wearing
those tight white trousers. I do look a bit like John Travolta, eh?
More like Bucks Fizz. Sexier then.
Now, do you think you've got time for a quick birdie
before the kids get back? Oh, we can do better than that.
How about a hole in one?
Or I could plop my balls in your... All right don't spoil it.
Here we go. I don't think
my gag reflex will let me swallow this much pride.
You wanted to see me, Vincent.
I want to get one thing straight from the start.
Yeah, hold on, hold on.
Before you say anything you might regret, come with me.
Ta-dah. Ford Granada LX. Top-of-the-range. Your company car.
Really? I think you've forgotten I don't work here any more.
Come on, don't milk it. This is me saying sorry.
I need you back, Vincent.
Fitzpatrick's taken us from selling 50 grand a week to zero.
Minus four grand if you include Carol's fucking unusable computer.
Well, you're on the right lines, Walshy.
But you better make it a BMW
or I'll never set foot in your poxy showroom again.
Oh, fucking hell, Vincent! Call it danger money.
Carol told me you've got that psycho Ronnie Farrell on your case.
OK. I'll call the leasing company and get you a BMW,
but you better get us out of this hole with Ronnie.
I can't afford to be giving away five grand's worth of windows.
Leave Ronnie to me.
'I quickly managed to get Ronnie Farrell onside by making him
'an offer he couldn't refuse.'
So you've sorted it with Farrell? Yeah, you can stop
shitting your pants now. He's not going to hurt anyone.
How did you do that? Let's just say we came to a compromise.
Great. What's the compromise?
I told him he can have the windows for free.
What?! Why have you done that?
Because he's an incredibly violent, dangerous man.
But that's going to cost me five fucking grand!
You should have thought about that before you put Fitzpatrick
in charge, you stupid prick. Let that be a valuable lesson to you.
'I did get one concession from Ronnie.
'Turns out as an eminent local businessman and being neither
'female, foreign or Jewish, Ronnie was a big wig at the golf club.
'For the price of one "nice little telly"
'I managed to wrangle membership.
'Now, golfers often say the toughest opponent you can face
'on the course is yourself.'
Oi! Stop getting in the way, you wanker!
Hurry up, bell ends!
Well, every Saturday morning from now until I eventually
get banned from this place,
I'm going to be this little prick's toughest opponent.
# It ain't no big thing
# To wait for the bell to ring
# It ain't no big thing
# The toll of the bell
# Aggravated spare for days
# I troll down town, the red light place
# Jump up bubble up, what's in store
# Love is the drug and I need to score... #