Charity White Van Man

One day, you will be mine.

-Right, come on, then.

-It's feeding time.

Here we go again.

OK, Cristal?

Seriously?

Help me think up a middle name, or Joanne'll go with something like Vajazzle.

Chanel Vajazzle Brown.

-Oh, no, they're using her surname.

-Tonell?

-Yes.

-Chanel Tonell?

-Yes.

Darren, you're letting her name your baby Channel Tunnel!

Well, it's better than going double-barrelled. Miss Brown-Tonell.

Miss Brown Tunnel? That's horrible. Urgh.

Just put it down and help me out, will you?

Oi! How dare you call my child an it!

It's made of plastic.

Oi! Oh, yeah. Cheers, mate, thanks. Now she's crying.

Just take the batteries out.

I can't. I have to play by the rules, or else Joanne'll kill me.

Come on, shut up. Please shut up. Shut up.

How long have you got to keep her for?

Oh, just till the afternoon probably.

-Where are we working again?

-Ooh!

No! No, I'm not using your stupid app.

It's not stupid! Look, watch.

Right, this is where we are now.

No, that's wrong. Hang on.

-This is where you type in the address.

-OK, OK.

-Oh, no, it's not.

And this where we are going later.

-This is, this is... Stupid phone thing!

-Yeah, it's not stupid at all, is it?

Bloody hell!

Oh, hello. You must be...Mr Williams?

No. No, I'm Mr Fisher, from the council.

-Wh-what are you doing?

-Well, I'm stripping your kitchen out.

-You're supposed to be building bunk beds.

-What?

What's that? "Uncle Ollie's app is rubbish!" That's not very nice!

You're supposed to be building bunk beds, not destroying the kitchen!

Hang on, just calm down. I'm sure we can sort something out.

By tomorrow?! The Mayor of Maplebury is coming, for God's sake!

-Do you hear that? You're going to meet the Mayor of Maplebury. Ah!

-And the Gazette. Oh, bloody hell!

-What are them lot coming for?

-For the orphans, you idiot! The orphans.

Orphans?

Brilliant.

Thank you, thank you.

No problem. All right. Bye.

See you later, captain.

Ha-ha! Amazing! Best excuse ever.

"Surprise! We're giving you a new kitchen.

"Donated to Maplebury's newest children's home

"by Curry's Home Maintenance."

I was literally vomiting words.

-You know, this could be a good thing, though.

-How?

Well, we could be like, you know, like local heroes.

And you can't buy PR like that.

You know, and that'll mean more jobs, which means more cash,

which means...new van.

First, we've got to buy the kitchen, then we've got to build the kitchen,

and then we've got to build them...bunk beds.

I reckon the kitchen's going to be about seven grand.

I've got 1,200 quid for that. What have you got?

I'm skint. Got a kid to look after now.

What about the £200 I gave you the other day?

I spent it on this little bad boy, didn't I?

Why would you do that?

Cool, isn't it?

Well, I'll just have to put it on the credit cards, then.

-Oh, no, don't do that.

-Why not?

Why not make them ourselves? That way, we'd get all the glory

and could keep the cash to buy a new van.

Right, then.

Come on, what's your big idea?

-Hi, Liz. Listen, I'm...

-Uncle Phil, I'm counting to five.

-'You're bluffing!'

-Try me. ONE!

-Everything all right?

-There's a recession on, Ollie.

I've had to take a second job, and I've told Uncle Phil to clear out

that back stock room, so we can rent it out as storage space. ..TWO!

-'You'll never go through with it!'

-He's refusing because he thinks,

one day, maybe after a nuclear war, there'll be a demand for

novelty N-Dubz bird feeders. ..THREE!

'Wait! Dappy's music is timeless!'

So unless he gets on with it... ..FOUR!

..I'm going to take this mallet and I'm going to smash up all the stock.

..FIVE!

Right. You have asked for this.

'See? Ha-ha-ha! I knew you wouldn't.

'No! OK, OK!'

And there's plenty more where that came from.

So what can I do for you?

Erm, Darren, you tell her...

No, you're on your own, mate. BABY CRIES

Yeah, baby's nappy needs changing, innit?

It's not a real baby.

Erm, the thing is, we need to...

Build a new kitchen for some orphans. Yeah, Darren texted me.

'Course he did.

If your dad was here to see this...

Yes, well, he's not, is he, Liz?

Sorry.

Listen...

could you just slip us a few bits?

Please?

Er...

No.

-What?

-You heard me. We're in no position to give stuff away.

We're not a charity, Ollie.

Sorry.

Charity.

Charity! Darren, quick! I've got an idea. Liz, you're amazing!

Now, when you grow up, we are not going to let Auntie Liz

babysit you, are we? Because Auntie Liz is a mental.

-Shut up, Darren!

-Face like a slapped arse!

Shut up.

Uncle Phil, I'm going to my other job.

'No!'

GLASS SHATTERS

'Rastafari!'

Hello?

Hello?

Yeah, hang on a second. Just take a seat.

I'm not a customer. I'm your new waitress.

Ooh, brilliant! Sorry, I was just, um...

Oh.

EMMA SIGHS

Hello, Emma.

Hi.

-It's nice to see you.

-No, it isn't.

What are you doing here?

I am the new Assistant Manager.

What? How did you manage to wangle that?

John doesn't need an assistant. Only four people work here.

-I have got big plans for this place.

-Oh, really? Like what?

Omelettes.

Amazing.

OK. So that comes to a total of £6,874.

Come on, about the price...

This kitchen's going to a children's home.

-You're looking for a discount?

-Well, yeah.

Well, lucky for you, Maplebury Kitchens prides itself on its commitment to charitable causes,

and I'm happy to say, we will be able to furnish you

with some level of discount.

So how much are we eligible for?

OK, let's have a look, shall we?

Here we are... Whoa!

Er, just 7%, I'm afraid.

It's really low priority.

-How do you mean?

-Well, have a look for yourself.

Terminal illness is way up there, with an 80% discount.

The blind are 70%, cats are 50%.

Cats?!

-Insania.

-Yeah, the CEO loves cats, hates kids.

-Ollie's exactly the same.

-So, that's just 7%, I'm afraid.

Oh, listen, listen, man.

Between me and you, right, can't you just, you know, give us a kitchen?

Yeah, we used to do that sort of thing, but we got ripped off.

What, by a charity?

A couple of years ago, a guy comes in, says he needs a kitchen for an old people's home,

and he was caught getting paid to put it in a youth club.

Ha-ha! Wicked! What did he look like?

-Tall, big hands, moustache.

-That sounds like Tony.

-What?

-Who?

-Nobody.

Don't know what you're talking about.

Just forget it. I'll put it on my credit card.

-No, don't do that.

-Got a better suggestion?

All right, bruv, yo! What if the kids are sick?

-Are they?

-Maybe.

-They'd have to be tested.

-You want to test the kids?

I don't make the rules here.

Forget it. Just put it on the credit card.

Ollie, something's going to happen.

Something you won't like very much,

but I want you to remember, when it happens, that you were

the person who said I should be a good father to Chanel, OK?

What are you talking about?

Well, that's been declined.

How...?

Agh!

Wait, wait, wait! It's not my fault. She only lets me buy designer labels.

She's grooming her for some reality show, or something.

Well, I can kiss goodbye to this now, can't I? Eh?

I'm sorry, man. I promise I'll pay you back.

-How are YOU going to pay me back, eh? How?

-Credit cards.

Credit cards... I'll kill you!

Back off, back off! Back off!

What are you doing?

Great, now I've got 19 hours to find a free kitchen.

19 hours.

Wait, wait, wait! I've got another idea.

Ooh, ooh, that looks nice. Yeah. Nice one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about that? We could use that as a cupboard, no? That looks good.

-Why don't you get in here and help me look?

-I can't. I might give the baby germs.

It's not a real baby! And you owe me thousands, you dick!

-So get in and help me!

-Not happening. Not today.

How am I going to find a kitchen before tomorrow?

Hey, we could sell some of your dad's stuff.

What? No, I'm serious. Have you not seen Cash In The Attic?

I bet some of that crap's worth loads.

-We can't do that.

-Ollie, it's not like he's here to stop you.

-Hello, everyone. My name is Emma and John has just appointed me your new Assistant Manager.

-Well...

We'll talk about it later, John. So, I've had a word with the bosses, who've agreed I can

make changes to the way this place is run.

First of all, we'll go round the table and introduce ourselves.

My name is Emma.

Tell everyone your name.

SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE

-What?

-Lin-Lin. She's an exchange student. Here to better her English.

SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE

Shush! OK. So, first thing on the agenda - the tips jar.

Am I right in thinking that the tips are placed in here

and split between everyone?

-Well, they're...

-OK, great. I'll change that.

I'm implementing a new incentive-based system.

So from now on, your tips are your own.

Oh, hang on. I see what you've done.

-You're going to be getting tips too, aren't you?

-You're so negative, Liz.

You've only changed it because you think you can make more money.

Absolutely not. This is for the good of the company.

I am incentivising the workers.

John, I don't know what you've been doing all these years.

-SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE

-Hell, yeah.

If it's competition you want, we'll destroy you.

See? Look how eager you are to work.

-SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE

-I'm glad you agree.

Let's take her down!

BELL RINGS

-He's mine!

-Emma!

64 years of your life, Dad.

What a load of crap.

DARREN RAPS

# Brown's in the house

# Say, what you gonna say? Say, what you gonna do? #

-Where have you been?

-Next door.

-Where's the baby?

-I sold it to your neighbour, for her daughter to play with.

-Darren, you can't sell your baby!

-It's not a real baby, Ollie.

Anyway, I did it for you, man.

First instalment paid.

Ten pounds? Yeah, that's going to solve all our problems(!)

-"Thank you, Darren." "Hey, it's OK, Ollie, mate. Don't worry about it. Pleasure."

-Shut up.

Any of this lot any good?

What do you think?

It's interesting.

If it's kitchen cupboards we need...

Darren, don't even think about it.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

-Oh, Ollie! Ollie!

-What? What's up? Have you found summat?

Oh, yeah! Check it out! Dirty old bastard!

I found it in the back of the wardrobe... Whoa.

Hadn't they heard of razors in the '70s?

How are you enjoying this?

I'm about to destroy my kitchen. It's not funny!

Massive beavers!

Oh, God!

I don't think I can do this.

I can.

Yeah, well, I can't watch.

Darren, Darren, Darren, wait!

I know where we can find what we need.

-Where?

-Right there.

The answer to our problems.

Hi. Um, I couldn't help but notice you've only left a fiver.

And your bill was £4.85...

Here is your bill. I've also left

a little chocolate mint for you,

from me, just for you.

..which is only a 15p tip.

Thank you very much, sir.

That is brilliant.

-You're paying me to leave, aren't you?

-Yeah.

-Excuse me.

-Cheeky bitch.

You really ought to do better, Liz.

You know what, Emma? So could you.

SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE

Yeah, as I thought, we were probably using the best system before.

We'll go back to the 'tips in a jar and split between everyone' system.

You're unbelievable.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-There it is.

Nice sword!

Hey, careful. My Uncle Bernie won this in the '80s on Bullseye.

It's been here ever since.

I can't sell this, Darren.

This was my first hide-out,

the first place I touched a girl's breast.

A mermaid doesn't count.

Although...

Listen, just sell it and use the money to buy some stuff

for the children's home kitchen, because if you don't,

then you could use it as a hide-out place again, from all the people

with pitchforks looking for the man who hates orphans.

-Where do you even sell a boat?

-Make some calls, innit?

You just get those cupboards finished, cos we'll need them too, OK?

-OK, but then, get to the home and start on the kitchen.

-What about the bunk beds?

Oh, Jesus Christ... Listen, we're running out of time. Listen, right?

-You sell the boat.

-Yep.

-Start on the kitchen.

I'll get help with the bunk beds.

Now, Darren. Now, now, now!

Urgh! And to think I used to fancy you!

-I'm out of here.

-Your shift's not over.

Ollie needs me.

To do some work?

39 Ledbury Road?

BOTH: Bunk beds.

Right, look...

Ollie is with the girl he wants. We need to accept that and move on.

Yeah?

Shall I drive?

Just because I'm not here, doesn't mean I'm not watching you.

SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE ..Barbie!

Exactly.

Chop, chop.

I am so going to punch her in the face.

I'm sorry, Dad.

You bloody well will be!

-Dad?

-What the hell's going on?!

Why are you here? You're supposed to be in Cornwall till next week!

No chance! Everything's made with fish, they only drink cider,

and I scratched me eyeball playing crazy golf.

Least relaxing place I've ever been.

What the bloody hell's going on with my kitchen?!

Calm down! I can explain, but I'd rather do it calmly, sat down over a cup of tea.

If we've still got a kettle. Come on!

See, this is why we made you go on holiday, to relax.

-I'm not good for you to be around.

-Don't be stupid!

Dad, Dad, Dad, listen. There's something else I need to tell you before you go in.

Just let me...

Dad?

Where the bloody hell's my boat?!

What? He said we're too late. He's already sold it.

-For how much?

-How much?

Three hundred quid.

-Bloody idiot!

-You bloody idiot!

-She's worth thousands!

-She's worth thousands!

-Who's he sold it to?

-Hooky Pete.

-Hooky Pete?

-He sells pirate DVDs at the pub. Tell him to meet us there.

I can't. We've got to go to the children's home.

We're doing this first! Tell Darren to meet us at the Oak!

That's him. That's Hooky Pete.

How do you know these people?

I wondered how long it would take you to come back.

-Made a little mistake, have we?

-No.

Listen, Hooky, erm, I need the boat back, right,

so how about I give you £300 for it?

Oh, your boat, is she?

I don't know any man who could ever truly own

something as beautiful as her.

Erm, I just want the boat back...

I've looked her over, you know.

When was the last time you gave her a new lick of paint?

When did she last touch water?

It rained on Tuesday, blood.

How about I... I'm just going to pop that 300 in there, like that,

and we'll leave it there.

300?

-She's worth more like nine.

-Yo, Hooky, we need that boat back.

Well, that's a shame, cos I don't have her anymore.

-You're lying, cos we found this!

-Enough of this!

Where...is...my...boat?!

Dad!

What's this, Muppet Treasure Island?

Jesus!

I think you'll find that's a number three screw

and what you should be using is a number seven.

What? Don't look at me like that. I'm not the one playing Russian roulette with orphans' lives.

You know, there's five of these beds, Emma.

It'd be a lot quicker if you did some work.

That's probably true, but clearly, to do it properly, you need supervising.

-Excuse me?

-You heard what I said.

Don't push me, Emma!

Why? What are you going to do about it?

Woah!

Now, what are YOU going to do about that?

There. She's yours. Take her.

Just you treat her right proper.

Just promise me you'll give her a nice taste of salty water.

Right. Good, great. Now, can we all go and try and salvage this kitchen?

Where's Esmeralda, you scurvy ball sack?!

-Esmeralda?

-Esmeralda! Where is she?

-Are you talking about the mermaid?

-Aye, the one with the big cans!

-Ha! You're obsessed.

-We found your magazines.

-What?

Nothing.

She never had no mermaid on her. If she had, I'd have never given her back.

Right, we've got the boat. Let's try and do something about this kitchen.

The boat's not important.

-Where's my Esmeralda?!

-All right, all right! I may have sold her to an antique shop for £100.

You idiot! You should have put her back in the sea!

You, me - antique shop, now!

-No, no, no! They close at five.

-Dad, no. I need him to work with me.

-And I need you to calm down, please.

-The kitchen can wait.

Why is everyone being so selfish? Darren, please, just tell me you made a start on the children's home.

-Yes, I gave the keys to Liz and Emma.

-Liz and Emma?

-Yeah, I got them to help me out.

-You left Liz and Emma alone, together?!

Dad, it's fine. What are they going to do to each other?

# Dangerous!

# I am dangerous, yeah!

# I am dangerous... #

-Oh, my God! How strong are you?!

-Not very. Plasterboard's pretty weak.

-OK, this is embarrassing.

-Yeah.

All right, OK. All right.

All right. Come on, then.

Let's do it.

OK.

PHONE RINGS

Come on, Liz, answer the phone. Please, not today. Please.

-Why would you leave them alone together?

-I didn't think!

No change there, then.

-Liz?

-What?

-You're fired.

No. Don't.

I loved that job(!)

Were we actually fighting over Ollie?

Don't kid yourself.

You're a territorial cow.

Yeah, well, you're an enormous bitch.

What are we going to do now?

-Isn't this the point where we're supposed to hug, or something?

-No.

OK.

Come on. Come on.

Oh!

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I could do with one of them, please.

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah.

Oh!

Why do you both look like shit?

No, no, no, no! Please, tell me you didn't!

Please, no!

NO!

They've wrecked it.

The kitchen, the bunk beds - smashed to bits.

Thank you. Thanks very much.

Hello. Can I speak to Mr Fisher's office, please?

Mr Fisher, you know, works for the Mayor?

Is that even the council? What?

Wait, wait! Did you want a kitchen ripped out?

Mrs Williams, yes, that was me. I was supposed to... Yeah, I know.

I know. I understand, but I've got this new phone thing...

Please, just don't put the phone down...

Stupid pissin' app!

ALARM CLOCK RINGS

It's a privilege to have you here today, Mr Mayor.

I know you're a very busy man.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Oliver Curry,

the man who donated a kitchen to the orphan children of Maplebury!

Erm, I just need to...

Right, then. Shall we?

Can I just stop you for a second, please? I just need to tell you...

-Later. You've earned this moment.

-No, no. Seriously. Please, just let me... Let me just explain...

Before you go in, can I explain something to you?

APPLAUSE

Well, that's it, then. Bye-bye, Curry and Son Home Maintenance.

Oliver Curry, you are a wonderful man!

APPLAUSE

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

How did you...?

Thank you.

For what?

-I don't know what he's on about.

-Me neither.

Nor me.

-Darren, get going!

-It's only ten minutes away. I wanted to see his face.

-Well, it opens in five minutes!

-All right, I'm going.

You...

You have the honour of buying us all breakfast.

-It's amazing.

-Shall we? Ha-ha!

-Listen, about that hug...

-Let's never mention it again.

-Done.

Well, it's not been the best welcome home for you, has it, Dad?

I've had worse.

I'm sorry.

You know, it's my fault.

I'm not good for you to be around.

Son, if you're suggesting you are no good for my health,

then you're a bloody idiot.

If you're suggesting you should move out,

then you're right. You should.

What?

I don't need you here looking after me.

Go and get a place of your own, please.

Do us both good.

-There she is!

-Jesus!

Yep, I was the first one at the antiques shop, Tony.

She is safe and sound.

-What's your obsession with that thing? Look at it!

-Esmeralda?

Where do you think I've hidden the spondoolicks from all the

cash-in-hand jobs I've done over the years?

Esmeralda's about that full of £20 notes,

which should just be about enough to get me some new kitchen cupboards,

cos all my old ones are in an orphanage.

Why not just blag some for free, by claiming you'll donate them to an old people's home?

-What?

-What?

-Hey, come on, that's mine, that.

-You're guilty.

I don't know what you're talking about, Darren.

# Back in black, I hit the sack

# I've been too long I'm glad to be back

# Yes, I'm let loose From the noose

# That's kept me hanging about

# Cos I'm back

# Yes, I'm back

# Well, I'm back in black

# Yes, I'm back in black! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd