The Break Up White Van Man

Cheeky...

Unbelievable.

You won't believe what I've just seen him doing.

Spitting!

I hate people who spit.

What are you doing?

Looking for something to eat.

Do I like Oxtail soup?

How do I know?

You claim to know everything about food.

I don't know what you like Put it back.

Only if I find something better.

Oh look, here he is.

Look at him here.

Look at them overalls he's wearing.

Oh, they're quite practical. They've got loads of pockets.

Look at him, he's loving it.

He's such a tart.

-And what's with that earpiece thing?

-He gives them to all his staff.

EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT: Hello, hello, hello.

I get you earpiece so I can keep in contact at all times.

-Bit racist.

-That's how he sounds, isn't it?

Are you still making dinner for Emma tonight?

Yes I am, yes.

Why don't you go and do that and I'll finish up here.

All right, you can have the soup.

No, it's not that. I just want to get this finished.

Get it done early, I get more time with Chanel on the weekend.

You know what?

You might just turn out to be a good Dad after all.

-Want me to stay and help?

-No, you get off.

I'm proud of you, man.

Yeah, all right, I'll see you in a bit.

Hello.

Janice? Who's Janice?

You want to do what to me?

I've got the wrong phone. Darren!

I picked up your phone by mistake.

Darren?

Janice is waiting!

Oh, my god!

The dirty little bastard's cheating on me!

Uncle Phil, I'm done for the day.

The till's balanced, and the orders are done.

I've put the new Cheryl Cole album in your Bob Marley box.

Our secret OK?

All right?

Yeah, fine, why wouldn't I be?

I need some silicone sealant, please.

OK.

-Just, you seem a little bit...

-I'm being cheated on, Liz.

Cheated on. I've just seen it with my own eyes.

Emma's cheating on you?

No, Darren. Darren is...

OK.

I gave him so much, I turn my back and he's with someone else.

Who?

The Poles. The Polish.

If I'm not giving him something, you tell me, tell me.

That's a bit Brokeback Mountain.

-It's not funny. I'm a victim here.

-Top Gun.

Did you know?

What? No!

It'll be money, won't it? Work's been quiet.

Ever since that baby's come along, we've grown more and more distant.

It's just the thought of him with someone else, makes me feel sick.

Yeah, OK, OK, but we don't know that that's the truth.

Maybe you should talk to him.

See what he's got to say.

Yeah...

maybe you're right.

Thank you.

Anytime.

Uncle Phil, I'm leaving, I've...

Hi.

Hi, Liz. Hi, Ollie.

-Hi, Phil.

-You've been out?

Obviously. Stupid girl.

-Have you been talking to yourself all this time?

-No.

-You've been talking to yourself all day.

-Go and talk to Darren!

OK, just don't talk to yourself, you look a bit loopy.

All right?

Hey, turns out I do like oxtail soup.

Get in the van, Darren.

I've got your phone.

What did you do last night?

Nothing. Worked late, ate some pizza, played some computer games.

Anything else?

Do you mean, did I crack one out? I didn't realise you wanted to know.

In future, I'll keep a diary.

Dear Diary, didn't have a wank last night.

Ollie will be disappointed.

I saw you, Darren.

I saw you next door.

I came back and I saw you with him.

And did you think...?

Ollie, I was borrowing some tools.

You left with the van, I needed some stuff, so I asked Andrzej.

You were doing work, Darren.

Yes. I needed to try the tools out to make sure they were OK.

Did you think...? You did, didn't you?

Ollie, seriously, I was just borrowing some tools.

Totally paranoid, sorry.

-Don't worry about it.

-I should've trusted you.

That's stupid, that.

Don't worry about it.

-I'm going to have a fag.

-I should've trusted you.

-I'm sorry, mate.

-Don't worry about it.

OK? Listen, listen, we're all right, aren't we?

I'm not very good at this kind of stuff, I know that.

I just... you've got to understand why I wasn't happy?

-Yeah, totally. Totally

-Yeah? Come on, then.

-Really?

-Yeah, come on, let's hug it out.

Listen, I'm sorry I didn't trust you, OK?

-I'm sorry I'm this close to your body.

-What's this here?

Easy.

Oh, man, this is just like the one Andrzej was wearing.

Oh, my god.

He gave you this, didn't he? You lied to me.

No, I didn't.

You lied to me, man. How could you do that?

I didn't want you to find out.

Yes, you did, you wanted me to see. Why him?

You could've worked in a shop? In a pub?

I'm banned from everywhere but The Oak.

This mean anything to you? Me and you?

Doesn't mean anything, does it?

I need the cash to pay off my credit cards, simple.

Just answer me this.

Was it a one off?

Are you going to work for him again?

Darren, I need to know.

Tonight, I'm working again, tonight.

That's it. That's it.

You choose, right. Him or me?

-Come on, we can work it out.

-No, we can't, I'm drawing a line.

Call it a fence. Which side do you want to be on?

This side or that side?

-Ollie, please don't make me do this.

-Him or me, Darren?

Who's it going to be?

Fine.

Just remember, this was your decision.

See you later.

I'll use the gate.

Tell your Dad, I'm sorry.

Darren...

We were going to get a second van.

I know.

Welcome to our family, Darren. Welcome.

< TELEVISION ON

And you made me watch that because...?

To make you feel better about Darren.

Independence Day.

To show you that worse things can happen.

Dad, seriously,

you know aliens haven't really invaded Earth don't you, Dad?

Don't be so naive.

-How else do you explain Bjork?

-And you wonder why I'm moving out?

So, it is finally time for Curry's Home Maintenance

to take a big step forward.

-What?

-Shush.

We can start moving forward now you've got rid of the dead weight.

I don't think that's true.

It's very true.

You can hire someone better, and with your level of skill.

That is true.

We're going to find you an assistant worthy of the title

because, I am running the interviews.

-What?

-I'm really good at them I know what we're looking for

and I've done tons since managing the coffee house.

-Cos all the staff keep leaving.

-Whatever the reason,

-I'm holding interviews for a new assistant.

-Are we?

I'll find you the best.

Fair enough. I'll see you there.

No, it's all right. I think we can handle it.

I'm sure you can. I'll see you there.

-Is he always that stubborn?

-Yeah.

Who ever heard of a handyman in a collar and a tie?

You'd never catch me in that stuff.

What? You've got weddings and funerals?

No chance. When your Uncle Bernie died, we all wore overalls.

That said, we weren't quite sure if the varnish had dried on his coffin.

I made that myself, you know.

Crackers.

Hello, people.

-All right?

-Ready to find a minion?

-Yeah, I think it's going to be...

-OK great.

This table's set out for the meets and greets,

-then we'll take them out back for the physical tests.

-The what?

The physical tests.

That's how we interview people. Haven't you seen The Apprentice?

And another thing, I'm going to have to work today.

Thought you were the manager?

Yeah, I am, but another waitress quit, so I'm having to multitask.

-Excuse me.

-In a minute!

Hey! Nice tie.

I'm here about the job.

Shall we get the interview started?

Good morning, Darren. I am Jan.

Good morning, Darren.

Mornin' sorry, you been here long?

Yes, since seven.

Oh, right. I just assumed you started at eight.

Don't worry, it's your first day.

We forgive you.

I like this guy!

Last few days, I was working in other van,

but I hear all about you.

Glad we're finally working together.

This is for you, a welcome gift from everyone.

Open it! Open it!

Turn it over! Turn it over!

Thank you.

Just remember not to wear jacket around any naked flames.

You go, woof, like dog!

Let's go work.

You may be wondering what we're doing behind this local restaurant.

Cafe.

The answer is simple This test is about speed and skill.

Much like the waiters and waitresses at one of Maplebury's restaurants.

Cafes.

You'll be expected to carry out your skills with speed and precision.

So, I have therefore devised the Emma Keeley Speed and Skill Test.

I think it might be wrong for me to operate drills and stuff right now.

-I'm tired, I got up dead early.

-Why'd you do that?

You called to tell me the location of the interviews.

Yes, I did. That's how this works.

I think it'd be really dangerous.

Fair enough. You're fired.

-How can you fire me?

-Shush. The job's not for you.

You're eliminated from the competition.

Thank you for the opportunity.

And then there were two. So, the task is simple.

Open and stir the plaster using the drill bit,

plaster over the crack on the wall, leaving a smooth finish.

10 points and a four figure salary for the winner,

-nothing for the loser. Are we ready?

-This is ridiculous.

-Set.

-I'm not doing this.

-Go!

If I was you, son, I'd run for your life.

She's going to murder someone, I'd hate it to be you.

So, I guess that means the job's mine, yeah?

Err, no that's...

Course it is, she'd have got it anyway.

-We'll do interviews tomorrow.

-She's what you're looking for.

-No, she really isn't.

-She's the only one that's left.

-All right?

-All right?

-Hi.

We just came in to get lunch.

Good.

-The chicken's good today.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-No, it isn't.

-Ah, Maria, hello.

-Hiya.

-Could I please have the chicken?

The chicken, yes.

-New jacket?

-Yeah, do you like it?

-No.

-No? Andrzej gave it to me. A welcome gift.

Oh, telling you what to wear now, is he?

-Darren, what you want to eat?

-Can I get the lasagne?

-You don't like lasagne.

-Andrzej said it's good here.

I bet he did.

And one lasagne, please, with many napkins for him.

What's he like as a boss? You like him?

Yeah, he's really fun.

Fun?!

Bit short though, isn't he?

Like a Polish Yoda.

Anyway, I've just replaced you.

-Shut up. With who?

-Liz.

-What?

-What?

-What?

-Yeah, job's yours.

-Yes.

-You replaced me with my sister?!

-I'm sorry, what?

-Yeah. She's just what I'm looking for.

-She's not!

I hope she's as good as you think.

-What's that supposed to mean, eh?

-All right! All right!

Easy, Mr Boy band. Nobody looking for the trouble.

What are you doing with him?

Unlike you, I treat him with respect, don't I, Darren?

He treats me with respect.

-Now, go back to the van.

-OK.

I'm sorry, are you seriously giving Liz the job?

Er, it's seven o'clock. You said seven o'clock.

No, today we start work at five!

What? Why?

It's good to have you with us, Darren.

Already, I think of you as my own son.

OK.

We start so early today so we can take the afternoon

and go to pub in celebration of the bond we have built!

Just to let you know, I'm banned from everywhere but The Oak.

(LAUGHS)

You hear that, Mr Lateness?

Already he think of you as a son.

You know how long it took him to think of me as his son

when I started work?

A couple of days? Seems like he says it to everyone.

Six months.

Six months isn't so bad, you know, to be thought of as a son.

I am his son!

What, biologically?

Yes!

Oh, right.

I had to earn his love.

That's why I'm watching you.

I saw what you did with Mr Boy Band,

just ooped and left for a little more cash.

Well, that's not happening here.

Understand?

I'm watching you.

(LAUGHS)

This guy, he cracks me up.

That's cos he is funny guy, like real man.

All right?

What the hell are you wearing?

What? I like it. It's practical.

Latte with a shot of vanilla, I believe.

Thank you.

So, what are we waiting for?

Sorry, it's just Darren used to try and waste time by using the toilet.

-You don't want to...

-Went before I left the house.

It's a new day, Ollie, it's a new day.

So it is.

Do you just want to measure top to bottom for me?

Let's have a look what we've got.

-38.

-38.

Oh, yeah! Sorted it.

-No. What, he let us off?

-Ta dah!

No way! The little Nazi let us off.

Well, I guess I'm just better than you.

-Give me the keys.

-No, I tend to do all the driving.

Exactly. It'll do us good to share. Keys!

I bet you're not missing Darren at all.

No.

# Can't get used to losing you

# No matter what I try to do

# Going to spend my whole life through

# Loving you. #

All right, Uncle Phil?

Yes, yes, hi, Ollie.

All right Tony, I'm just going to say hi to Auntie Pat.

Hi, Dad.

All right, Sherlock. What is that?

Don't know. Is it one of those laser-measuring things?

That's what I said.

See, Phil I was right! It's one of those laser thingies for measuring stuff.

It's not, it's a barcode scanner!

Barcode scanner! No, it's not, you silly old fool!

-This is why I fired him off the van.

-You didn't fire me, I quit.

Liar! How much would one of these cost? Fifty?

Don't know. Seventy, seventy-five?

Let's try ninety-nine ninety-nine.

Listen, Dad, you know when you and Phil stopped working together,

did you ever, you know, regret that?

Honestly, son... No.

I would have done it earlier except I got a grant from the council

on account of his SPECIAL NEEDS.

I heard that, you scoundrel!

Hey, I've been looking for that.

-What is that?

-It's for hair removal.

What kind of hair?

Anyway, what you doing here, Tony?

I'm helping out silly bollocks.

He's lost without you.

What sort of day have you had?

Well, it turns out I'm awesome at the job.

Oh, hello.

She can't live without me, look at her.

Ooh, who's the gorilla?

What do you want, Emma?

-I need this stuff for the re-launch of the cafe.

-Please.

Thought it was a restaurant.

Restaurants are high risk, so I've got something more exciting up my sleeve.

I'm glad I ran into you because I looked at these flats, and well, they're all crap.

I said you'll go with the one I liked.

-It's my flat!

-Yeah, but I'm gonna be staying over so it's got to be nice.

Look I'll show you. This one is next to a strip club.

-This one's above a crack den.

-This one IS a crack den.

-I see what you mean.

-This one's really the only option.

Just piss on him to mark your territory.

Do you wanna have a look?

Tonight? Oh, no, we were going to the pub, weren't we?

No, no, no.

The pub can wait till tomorrow. Tonight's about flats. Come on. See you later.

Guess we'll see you tomorrow, then.

I guess.

Right, cheers, lads. I'll see you tomorrow.

What do you mean?

I'm going to go home, I'm pissed. Crack one out, sleep.

Must remember to write it in the diary for Ollie.

No flames near the jacket. Woof like dog!

Woof!

(LAUGHS)

Woof! Ha ha!

Where are we?

The house where we're working.

Tonight we sleep here ready for early start tomorrow. Here, drink more.

I'm all right thanks.

I'm gonna go home I only live a couple of roads away.

Tomorrow's big day. We must be on site at 4am tomorrow, so we stay.

Not lose time in the morning.

It's literally just, like, just two roads.

Darren, if you're part of this family, you sleep in the tent.

Yeah, sleep in the tent. Can't see why I wouldn't.

How many people's that meant to hold?

THEY LAUGH

You are such a funny guy.

And the frog says, "but I always wanted to be penguin."

... And Jan says, "No sex, please, we're Polish!"

THEY LAUGH

There, drink more, it will help you numb the pain.

What pain?

Yes, the pain.

It is time to properly make you one of us.

Erm, nice. Right, listen, I think I'm gonna stay at my house. There's not much room in here.

It'll be fresher in the morning morning for you.

You are family now. You must get tattoo.

Prove you are family for life.

I really don't think...

Seeing your commitment to the family!

Relax, my friend. I have done this to all my men.

It will only hurt a bit.

Listen, listen to me.

DRILL WHIRS

No, no, no, I'm fine, Liz, don't worry about me. I've got it all.

Shut up.

I'm looking at this, I can't get the boiler to work.

-Have you tried whacking it with the hammer?

-What? No.

Just one of Darren's tips.

There's a problem with the installation on some boilers,

-just got to whack it with a hammer.

-I'm not doing that.

Darren had loads of mad tips like that.

He's like a... like a crazy genius.

I went to this woman's house once, and I swear to you,

Hang on. Oh, speak of the devil.

-You all right?

-No.

-Fair enough.

-I didn't even want to stay in this stupid tent.

-I'm sick of it.

-Are you pissed?

Ha ha, Yes, yes I am.

it helps with the pain?

Pain?

I'm so pissed I can barely stand up.

Wait, wait, Darren. Why are you in pain?

Cos they branded me, Ollie.

Tattooed their logo on my arm.

What?

Ollie, please, come and get me.

Darren! Darren! Wait!

What is it?

It's that Andrzej and Jan, they've tattooed Darren.

-What?

-They've tattooed him.

-Right enough is enough, it's time to fight.

-What?

-Go and fight for him.

-What are you talking about? He left me.

Are you blind? Whether you realise it or not,

you two are meant to be together.

You need him more than you need me.

-Go!

-Thanks, Liz.

MUTTERING TO EACH OTHER

Hey. What you doing? You not take this job.

We get it fair and square.

I'm not here for your job, right? I'm here for Darren.

-What?

-What?

Yeah, I want my man back.

Did he just say "I want my man back"?

Don't you worry about this, Darren. He is leaving soon. Stay in the tent.

I'm not leaving without Darren, understand?

-Try it.

-What you going to do, short arse ?

Ollie, Ollie...

It's OK Darren I'm here, pal. Don't worry.

Step away from him. He is mine.

He's not yours. He's his own person. And he can do what he wants.

The question has been asked, Darren. What do you want to do?

Stay with us, your family, or go back to Mr Boy Band?

Mr Boy Band, Mr Boy Band.

Mr Boy Band.

Hey!

Ha! Woof like dog.

< HE LAUGHS

Woah, woah, woah! I've got you Darren, I've got you, pal.

Darren,

you were like my son.

He's your son.

Papa!

My son!

Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, come here.

# Love lifts us up where we belong

# Where the eagles fly

# On a mountain high

# Love lifts us up where we belong

# Far from the world below... #

Yeah, just to let you know, I'm feeling really hung over,

so I'm not going to do any work today.

No, you'll do the work I tell you to do because I'm the boss.

-No, your Dad's the boss.

-Whatever I say goes.

We'll see...

Darren, Darren.

Get in the van.

# The power of love is a curious thing

# Make a one man weep, make another man sing

# More than a feeling, that's the power of love

# Don't need money, don't take fame

# Don't need no credit card to ride this train

# It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes

# But it might just save your life

# That's the power of love!