Cupboard White Van Man

# Red, red wine

# Go to my head

# Makes me forget that I... #

Come on, you promised if I stayed over, you'd give me a lift to work.

Don't think I can. Barely see five feet.

Well, that would explain where you tried to kiss me when you got in.

Sorry.

How are you not hung over?

Well, I left you and your dad at 11 o'clock,

singing Islands In the Stream, which was, well, terrible.

Then, I got back here, fell asleep, only to be woken by you telling me

you loved me and you had something really important to tell me.

Did I?

No. No, just that the electricity man was coming between 12 and 6.

All right, then.

Come on, look, I'm running late.

-Hold on, let me just check on Darren.

-Oh, I need to talk to you about him.

I bet he can't cope on his own.

Listen. I did try and phone you last night, so...

-Can you get a signal?

-One bar by the window.

-I'm trying to say...

-I'm renting a flat I can't get a signal in. Brilliant(!)

Do you know what? I'm just going to let you find out on your own.

I'll get a cab, bye.

PHONE RINGS Oh, here you are.

Hello?

No, he was supposed to be there at 8 o'clock.

Sorry, sorry, you're breaking up.

Hello?

For God's sake.

Come on.

How can you get no signal outside?

Come on.

Bingo.

PHONE VIBRATES

-Hello?

-Hello. Yeah. Why am I getting customers calling me

asking where you are?

-Err.

-You know what, today was an important test, right.

And, congratulations, you've failed. Where are you?

I don't know. I think I'm in a coffin.

Grow up, Darren.

-HE BANGS

-I think I'm trapped in a coffin.

-For God's sake, Darren.

-No, wait, wait, wait, don't hang up.

Get to work, now. All right?

-Please don't hang up. Please, don't hang up, Ollie.

-Oh, OK.

Ollie. Ollie! No!

Morning, Ollie. What you looking for? Nails, paint?

Ah! New brain?

Ah-ah-ah. Sew me up. Darren's address, please.

-Why?

-First time I send him on a job on his own, hasn't turned up.

I need to go round there and kick him out of bed.

I can't cover him, I've got loads to sort out at the flat.

-New address, please.

-He won't give it me cos he reckons I'll give it you

and you'd go banging on the door every time he's late for work.

A point you're proving, actually.

Right, then.

PHONE BUZZES

-Hello.

-Ollie, thank God.

Where do you live, you skiving, little shit?

Hey, listen, I'm not in a coffin, I'm in a cupboard.

What?

I'm trapped in a cupboard!

Do you know what, Darren? I'd tend to believe you

-if I hadn't heard these excuses before.

-What?

Got food poisoning.

Train's delayed.

Won tickets to see The Killers in Vegas.

I'm trapped in a cupboard.

Right, what can you see around you?

Well, Liz, to my right, I can see the rocks of Stonehenge

and to my left, just open fields,

-stretching as far as the eye can see.

-Really?

No, of course not. I'm in a cupboard.

-What do you think I can see?

-A fawn and a lamppost?

No, cupboard, Liz. All I can see is cupboard.

-Give me your address. I'm coming to get you.

-I promise I'm telling the truth.

The doors are locked, there's some old clothes

and I can't remember how I got here. Ollie, what if I've been kidnapped?

Bye, Darren

Ollie, don't go, please. Ollie, help! Ollie. Help!

I take one day off.

Right, how abouts we go find Darren, drag him out of bed.

He'll be working in under an hour.

I like the way you think.

-There you go.

-Thank you

Right, so, we know where we're going, then?

Yeah. Where else would we go?

-Excellent.

-All right.

What you going that way for?

-To see my source. You?

-Yeah, the same.

Well, I'll just let you know when I've found Darren then, shall I?

Oh, really? Not if I get find him first, hey?

-Yeah, whatever.

-All right, see you.

Day one.

And I find myself trapped in some sort of cupboard.

After initial bursts of fear and dread,

time has allowed...

a kind of calmness to wash over me.

And now, I find myself somewhat at peace with the world.

I, erm... There's something in here with me!

It's a rat. There's a rat. There's a rat in here with me!

It's just ladies' clothing.

Clothes left by ladies kidnapped and killed here before me, no doubt.

Left alone to die in a cupboard.

Goodbye, Mum. Bye, Dad.

Goodbye, Tony. Ooh, Tony.

MUSIC: "Think Twice" by Celine Dion

HE SIGHS

# Don't think I can't feel that there's something wrong

# You've been the sweetest part of my life so long... # PHONE RINGS

Bloody hell.

-Hello?

-Hey, Tony, it's Darren.

-I knew it couldn't last.

-What?

I thought, "First time properly alone in the house for ages.

"Enjoy yourself, Tony" I said.

-None of the usual mental stuff will happen.

-I'm trapped in a cupboard.

-How wrong can a man be?

-Is that Celine Dion I can hear?

What? No, err, err. No, it's coming from next door.

Shut up!

MUSIC STOPS Thank you!

Err, basically, I-I'm a bit...

Listen, Darren. Take a deep breath. Tell me what's going on.

You've just watched too many Saw movies, is all.

What do you mean? Am I going to have to cut off my own foot? I hadn't thought of that.

-Jesus, I am. aren't I? I'm going to have to saw off my own foot.

-No.

Darren, that is not going to happen.

Why don't you shout for help? I'm sure someone'll come and find you.

Oh, yeah(!) Shout for help and let the murderers know I'm awake

and ready to be butchered. I don't think so, Tony

OK, look, I'm going to come and find you.

All right, thanks, Tony. Thank you.

Well, that was a waste of a perfectly good face mask.

Hey, Chanel. It's Daddy here.

Turns out I'm not going to be around to show you the things

I would have liked to. And I'm sorry for that.

You see, I'm about to die in a cupboard.

It's Uncle Ollie's fault.

You should definitely blame him when you're old enough.

You see, he didn't believe me and now I'm dead.

Anyway, I thought I would document my last few moments for you

so that, in the future, you can get a feel for what kind of guy I was.

And I've chosen to do this in a dress.

I don't know why. I was bored. It was here.

No, listen. Rule one in life.

It's OK to be inquisitive.

All right?

All right, Kenny?

I hear you're the man who can get things.

Who told you that?

I'm Phil's niece, Liz.

That's OK, then. Sorry, I didn't recognise you.

You still don't know who I am, do you?

Haven't got a clue. Sorry.

Phil Flatley. He runs the hardware store. He's my uncle.

Oh, yeah, Phil. Yeah. I love Phil.

-You still don't know, do you?

-No. What are you looking for?

Answers.

Hiya, mate. Listen, I just...

-What you doing here?

-What are you doing here? Did you follow me?

No. As if. Darren's just got a new flat, hasn't he?

He'll have needed new keys. He'll have come here,

-Kenny would have his address.

-Who's Darren?

Darren, you know, Phil Flatley's nephew.

-Looks like him out of Thin Lizzy.

-Yeah, yeah, I know him.

-He doesn't.

-I don't.

-What you doing here?

Darren's been here a lot, recently. Kenny's his accountant.

-I wouldn't say accountant. More bespoke financial advisor.

-Bespoke dodgy credit card provider.

I also hold a provisional dentistry licence

and I'm registered to perform civil partnerships out the back, there.

I could sort you out.

-There's nothing wrong with my teeth.

-I'm not talking about your teeth.

-Sorry?

-You know, you're well-groomed, obviously work out. Eeeh.

Look, as much fun as it is debating Ollie's sexuality,

-I need to find my brother.

-Who's your brother?

We've just been talking ab... Tall, thin, he's got massive hair.

You're his accountant.

Ah! I am cognisant, yes. He hasn't been here for weeks.

I think it's because of that lady friend of his.

-He hasn't got a lady friend.

-Holding out for him, are you?

-No.

-You got her address?

Ah.

-As if by magic.

-He's not going to be there, is he?

He's in his flat, playing with his knackers.

Ah. 20 quid, please.

I will see you later, loser.

I don't think so.

Listen, now we know who we're talking about,

can you give me his address, please?

Oh, can't. Key cutters' code.

-Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. What? 20 quid?

-No.

But you just...

50 quid?

As if by magic.

Yeah, funny that. OK, then.

All right, Darren Brown, let's see where you live.

You've got to be kidding me.

Holly Phillips.

It WAS me that vomited in your handbag and I should have told you

before you went for your purse. I'm really sorry about that.

Helen Doyle.

I don't know why I said I was a hairdresser.

I mean, I thought it looked pretty good, but, yeah, I'm sorry.

This is going to be a pretty long list, actually, isn't it?

But you see, Chanel, this is the kind of guy your father was.

Yeah.

Darren lives in the flat above me. How can you not tell me that?

I did try to this morning, but I only found out about it last night.

How?

'90S HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS

Oh! Yeah, man. It's a great party!

Thanks. Thank you very much. Go, go. Dave, Dave, Dave.

Liking your flat, you know. Dave, man.

Oi, Darren. Have a popper. I think I will. Woo!

DOORBELL RINGS

KNOCKING ON DOOR

I know you're in there. I can still hear the music.

I'm trying to sleep downstairs. Would you mind just keeping it down?

DOORBELL RINGS

That was Darren. Why didn't you tell me?

You got in at 4am so drunk, you'd have slept through anything.

-He was pretending to have a party, I wanted to sleep.

-I'm renting the flat under Darren's. I hate my life.

Yeah. Silver lining, though. He'll never be able to sleep in again.

That's true. Shall we?

Well, that's handy.

Brilliant.

Think you can hide from me, do you? Hey, hey?

-Right, so he's not here, is he?

-No.

-Where the hell is he?

-I don't know but I need to get back to work.

No, you don't. You're the boss now, since you got John fired.

-I did no such thing.

-This is interesting.

-What?

This rug has been trampled on by many a shoed foot.

Empty bottles on the table, nibbles, curtains are still drawn.

And, if I'm not mistaken...

Yeah, the CD player's still warm. There was a party here last night.

Hm. Yeah, that's what I said. Only, I didn't say he was having a party,

I said he was trying to make it look like he was having a party.

Arrrgh.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Shhhhh.

-Me shush? You shush! We're trying to sleep downstairs.

-Why are you below? Who sent you? Who are you working for?

-Ollie lives downstairs. You're neighbours.

Well, that's ruined our lie-ins, hasn't it, Cornelius?

-Why are you making so much noise?

-It's a housewarming party.

-But there's no-one else here.

-No, shh. Please, shush.

-Are you on something?

-No, no, no, I promise, I am as sober as a baby.

THUD

Argh!

Come on, party! Want some dip? Dip? Wicked party, man.

Ha-ha! Yeah, totally, bruv. Look, yeah.

Do you think there are other people here?

No, I'm not mental. I just need it to sound like there are.

He knew.

That dirty, little bastard knew I was moving in,

-so he faked a party to keep me up all night.

-Oh, here we go.

Th-That's just evil.

I always knew he was a bit warped, but that's just outright psychotic.

Yeah, I'm not entirely sure that's what's happened.

Where the hell is he?

HE MOUTHS

Argh, argh! God!

Urgh. I don't want to know what he uses that for.

No, no, it's fine.

He uses it as a punch bag.

-Pretends it's Simon Cowell.

-Nice.

OK, Darren's mystery girlfriend, let's see who you are.

-Hello.

-Tony?

Hello!

Joanne?

What the hell is going on?

This is getting stupid. I need to get back to work.

No, I can't.

If I don't find Darren, I've got to go and get this job done.

Listen, I'm going to ask you a favour

-and you not going to like it, but, because you're the boss now, it won't be a problem.

-Ollie.

It's midday now.

I need you to wait for the electricity man for me.

-I'll be back as soon as I can.

-No, no, no, no, Ollie.

-Thank you.

-Argh!

Urgh.

Yeah, that actually works.

Yeah, erm...

Still day one in the cupboard and cold is setting in.

I've used all the clothes I can for warmth

but there seems to be no stopping the bite of the cold, Arctic wind.

And to add to my woes...

-PHONE BUZZES

-Hello?

-Hello.

Why are you calling? I'm trying to save the battery.

Because I've given up on you, you plank.

-I'm going to do your job. You happy now?

-Sorry, man. I really wanted to prove I could do it.

But things here just keep getting worse and worse.

Like how, Darren? How's it getting worse?

I need the loo.

Get up and go to the toilet!

I can't! I'm trapped in a cupboard.

Darren, just stop with that crap now.

-Shh.

-What?

-(I think someone's here.)

-Don't be so stupid. What are you talking...?

-Shh, shh.

(Oh, God. Ollie, please help me.

(Someone's here, I think they've come to finish me off.

-(Please help me. This could be goodbye, man, this could be goodbye.)

-Darren.

Darren?

'WATER TRICKLES'

You're having a piss, aren't you?

Ah.

So, Joanne. I thought you still lived with your dad.

Oh, well, yeah, I did. But I just moved in with Steve.

Joanne's boyfriend.

And how was he about...

you know, Darren and Chanel?

Oh, well, yeah. He's fine. I mean, he was a bit jealous at first

what with the fact that I got pregnant

whilst I was seeing him, but, you know, he's over that now.

He took anger management classes and everything.

The second I found out that Darren was missing,

I came straight round here. Because I reckon Steve's still thinks something's going on.

Oh. No. Why would he think that?

Oh, God. There's something still going on, isn't there?

Well, it's not very often.

I mean, I like Steve, but he's away a lot.

And, with Darren, well, it's just physical.

So, Steve. Is he away a lot with the army?

No. What makes you ask that?

Oh. What? You mean all the stuff? Oh, no, my Steve's not in the army.

He works on the oils rigs. Obsessed with soldiers.

(Loves the idea of being a trained killer.)

Oh, God. And what would you say the chances are of Steve knowing you're also sleeping with Darren?

Oh, well, 100%. I admitted it to him last night.

-Why?

-Well, he asked. I just can't lie to him.

-He means too much to me.

-And yet, you're still shagging Darren?

Yeah, I told you. That's just physical.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-It's real.

-What?

-All of this, Darren. The cupboard, everything. It's all real.

Whoa, whoa, slow down. What you talking about?

I'm with your dad and we think he's telling the truth.

We think Darren's locked in a cupboard.

-Don't you start.

-You don't understand. You've not met Steve.

-Who's Steve?

-Joanne's boyfriend.

-What? Joanne, as in...?

Yeah. Your dad's distracting her now. Listen. Steve is a genuine, army-loving nutjob

I mean, he loves Ross Kemp.

-What, him from Spandau Ballet?

-No. The guy from EastEnders.

Oh, no, you mean Gary Kemp. Oh, no, no, no, that IS him from Spandau Ballet.

Listen. Steve's got it into his head that Darren's been shagging Joanne.

-Why?

-Because Darren's been shagging Joanne.

-Great, brilliant(!)

-Yeah, I think Steve's actually kidnapped him.

I just spoke to Darren. He said he thought he heard someone coming.

Oh, God.

Listen. Text me the address, I'm coming over now.

Darren!

Right. I've got to go for a wee, so don't you dare come now.

Oh, man. Ollie!

We need to look upstairs for Darren.

Shhh.

There you go.

-Thank you.

-Oh, thanks.

-Oh, do you want to see my gay scrapbooks?

-All right.

Your what?

This is my gay celeb scrap books.

It's cut-outs and collages of all my favourite gay performers.

-Watch out for all the glitter.

-I just need to go to the loo.

-You got one upstairs?

-Yeah.

Why don't you just go downstairs like Liz did?

I, err...

I...

I did a number two.

You do not want to go in there just yet.

It's bad.

Oh, right. Oh, OK, then. I suppose you better go upstairs.

-It's second door on the right.

-Okey-dokey. Won't be a mo.

-OK.

So, erm, where were we?

-KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Ooh. Who's that?

Thank God.

No, no, I've been in all day.

How your man can say there was no-one in is beyond me.

Hello. Hello? Can you hear me?

Hello? Argh! Can you hear me now?

OK, hold on a second. Wait, wait, wait.

OK, can you...? Is that better? What about this?

OK, great. Listen. I demand to speak to your supervisor.

Oh.

This is a page of famous actresses who are gay.

This is a page of famous actresses who are not gay

but have played gay for a role.

And this is a page of famous actresses

who claim they're not gay.

But I know.

Judy Finnigan?

-All right, son?

-All right.

It's all clear up there.

Which, considering what you thought I was doing,

-is a very unfortunate phrase.

-Then, where is he, Tony?

-Who?

-Darren.

-Steve.

-Oh.

Well, I don't know about Darren, but Steve's in the garden,

trying to chillax.

-What?

-Yeah. He got in a huff about Darren last night

and he's been out near the shed ever since. Trying to calm down.

-Ha!

-You've got a shed?

Yeah.

Oh, sod it. I'll just unpack for him.

And it's got a cupboard in it?

Yeah, it's just full of old clothes and that.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've just found Darren.

Where the hell is Steve?

I dunno.

Hey, wait. What if he attacks me?

Steve won't attack you. He's a pussy cat.

A pussy cat who's obsessed with the army,

just found out that you're having an affair with my assistant.

Oh, yeah, and if I'm not mistaken, for many months,

thought that your baby was actually mine and not Darren's.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, bet he's a right pussy cat. Right, cover me.

He can't be that anal, can he?

Wow.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello? Darren?

-Hello?

He's alive, he's alive. OK. Come on. Let's do this now.

Right, we're just outside, mate. Just hold on.

Good. Cos if that's not you, it's the killer getting closer.

Right, I'm just outside now.

Yeah, I think I can hear you getting closer.

-Jesus!

-Calm down!

-What you doing to me?

Just get on with it.

OK, Darren, I'm just unlocking the door now.

Great, great. OK, open the doors, open the doors.

OK.

Come on.

I've got it, I've got it.

I've found you, Darren. I've found you, pal!

SCREAMING

Is that my dress?

Why does it smell of piss?

I think I know where Darren is.

Good. Where? Argh!

-Ah!

-Argh!

-In the van!

To the van!

Oof! Ugh!

-Jesus.

-Ah!

Oh, yeah.

-Darren?

-He's not making any sense. Why was he hiding in your wardrobe?

-He was trying to hide from mad Steve.

-Who's Steve?

-Doesn't matter. The point is he's safe. He's been there all night.

-The whole night?

Oh, my God.

Oh, boy, this is awkward.

Oh, that's what that noise was. I thought it was foxes.

-Ha.

-What were you doing in my wardrobe?

In my defence, I think I'm quite concussed.

-How have you got concussion?

-I dunno.

Oh! The last thing I do remember is hanging out my window

trying to find phone reception

and Steve was on the other end threatening me and...

Oh, hang on.

Mate, I can't hear what you're saying. What?

Yeah, mate, I can't hear...

Yeah, what? No, I've got really bad reception.

I can't hear what you're saying.

No, don't hunt me down and kill me. I haven't done anything.

Argh!

Ow, ooh, ooow.

Steve's going to hunt and kill me.

Stay focused. Too exposed here, Darren. You're too exposed here.

You need to be around other people.

You're a ninja.

-And that's why you faked a party?

-Yeah, I think so.

-How did you get in the wardrobe?

-Oh!

She went outside to make a call and I snuck in then, I think.

-Bloody phone reception.

-Yeah.

I thought I'd be safe from Steve in there.

-Good thinking, Columbo(!)

-Thanks.

-You take Shirley Bassey to hospital, I'll taking these to lunch.

-Why've I got to take him to hospital?

-You're the boss.

-Business partner.

-Brilliant.

-That's what bosses do.

Don't worry, I'll drop in on Steve and Joanne on the way home.

-Clear things up.

-I need a drink.

-You're buying the first round.

-Great(!)

My face feels funny.

Thanks for rescuing me. It's really nice.

Foxes?

Foxes.

# Finished with my woman

# Cos she couldn't help me with my mind

# People think I'm insane

# Because I am frowning all the time

# Can you help me

# Occupy my brain?

# Oh, yeah. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd