They Think It's All Over White Van Man

Hey, good session, lads.

Listen right, we're going straight to the Oak after here.

I want a pint off everybody.

Tell you what Ben, we're going to kick some serious arse next week.

Yeah, about that. There's a lot of really good teams

playing in this tournament. There's a lot of skill, a lot of pace.

-I know what you're saying.

-Do you?

Yeah. I won't be crying this year.

It was an emotional moment, a penalty shoot-out. I missed.

Look. We don't want you playing up front.

You want me playing at the back in defence?

Bit of an old head back there, I understand, yeah.

Actually, bit further back than that.

What do you mean?

-Well, you know my cousin, Danny?

-That cheeky little ball bag?

Yeah. He's playing instead. He's quicker than you. And he's younger.

W-what are you saying?

You've given this team great service over the years, but you have to know when to call it a day.

I'm 32, Ben.

Good. I'm glad you understand.

We'll see you in the pub. Happy birthday, man.

Come on, lads!

Yeah, great.

Happy pissing birthday.

How has he replaced me?

Forget about him, son, he's nothing. Open your gift.

Oh, for God's sake.

-I've told you, you can use the paper again.

-Just open it!

All right, I will.

"Classic War Movies 4". Thanks, Dad.

My pleasure.

-Want to borrow this when I'm done?

-That'd be brilliant.

-I'm done.

-Fantastic!

-I've got your present from Darren.

-Oh, yeah?

He's not coming - he said that was your gift.

That's the best present he could've got me.

-Right, so same again?

-Yes!

Hi, all! Happy Birthday. Before you ask, I haven't bought a present.

I figured what with you being so old, you probably had everything you need already.

That's great, yeah.

So instead, drinks are on me. All night.

-Are you going to the bar?

-Yeah, I...

Great, I'll get a Sauvignon blanc. New Zealand, not South African.

Oi! Watch where you're going.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realise there was a school trip in.

-Danny.

-Liz.

So, you're on the team?

Yeah. We're celebrating my joining.

I'm the new, faster, sexier version of him.

Oh, OK.

So. You gonna buy me a drink?

How about I buy you all one?

THEY CHEER

Seriously, how can they replace me with a younger player?

We're really going to do this now, are we?

Fine, go back to sleep. Just saying.

-Thing is...

-Oh, God!

-I don't need pace. Because I've got experience.

First two yards are up there, aren't they?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

We need to go to sleep, OK? So just sshh!

Why not just join another team

and win the stupid tournament with them?

-I could do that.

-You could do that, yes.

-Imagine the look on Ben's face if we won.

-I'm imagining it now.

I'll do that. I'll phone round some teams tomorrow.

Shut up, Ollie.

Well, usually I play up front but I'm happy to play anywhere, really.

I'm a handyman.

About size 9.

I've just turned 32.

Hello... Hello?

That's just rude, that!

What is wrong with this pissing bell?

It's old!

Probably want to replace it with a sexier, younger one, to be honest.

-Just saying!

-Don't you listen to him. You're not old.

Talking to inanimate objects - first sign of old age!

It's probably gone deaf anyway, being so old, pointless and washed up and forgotten.

Oh, shut up! You're boring!

Come on, Maplebury FC, don't let me down.

Hello?

Hi, I'm calling about the football team advertised in the paper.

I just wondered if you had any space...

You do?

My name...?

Oliver Josh Curry.

Tash. I'm the manager. We're really excited to have you here.

I bet you can really teach us some mad skills.

Yeah, I've got some ideas. A few tricks I've learned over the years.

Well not a lot of years, just a small amount of years.

Sounds good to me! Let's go meet the other players.

OK. Wait, wait does that mean you play on the team, then?

Oi, I'm as good a player as anyone.

No, I wasn't saying that...

-Right, go and stand in goal.

-No need for that.

-Go stand in goal!

-Come on don't be silly!

-DO IT!

OK, then.

-Right, I'll curl the ball round you to the top corner.

-Brilliant!

HE GRUNTS IN AGONY

Don't ever question my place on this team again.

I was just saying...

Right! Come on, I'll introduce you to everyone else.

Ollie Curry, this is Maplebury City FC.

THEY MURMUR GREETINGS

-Maplebury's a town.

-Yeah. I know. It's a joke.

Oh, brilliant(!)

Ollie's from the Saturday leagues. He's going to save us from abject humiliation.

Don't say that. Who's to say you aren't as good as any other team?

You play in the same tournament, don't you?

It's for charity. I think they're letting anybody play.

I'm here now and I'm going to help you, and you lot, win this tournament on Saturday.

Right? We could be heroes - just for one day.

David Bowie?

Yes, man! I heard it in the van on the way here. I love that song.

I need a bit of commitment, right. Who wants it?

Eh? who wants it?! Come on!

I do!

Good, good that's a start, you see?

Bit of training. Nothing's gonna stop us now.

Starship?

I'm not doing song lyrics, it's just a nice thing to say.

Nothing going to stop us now. Gets us going.

Late as usual, here's our goalkeeper.

Ollie, this is Dazza. Dazza, Ollie.

Ollie's come to help us out.

No!

Shut up.

-So the milkmaid said "Pull the

-udder

-one!"

STILTED LAUGHTER

Do you want some more wine?

Don't mind if I do!

-I

-love

-this place!

Have you been here before?

Once. Just thought it'd be the type of place you'd like.

You were right.

Man, they do a lot of soup.

Mm.

Why would you think I'd like it here?

-I dunno. I've never been out with an older woman before so...

-What?

Sorry. Do you prefer "cougar?"

No, Danny - I'm 27!

Yeah, like I said - Cougar!

Raow!

And look, I was right - you love it here.

Danny no, I don't, so leave it.

Yes, Mum. Ma'am. Yes, Ma'am. Joke.

I was gonna say "Ma'am". Like in the army.

Next time, we go somewhere younger.

There's going to be next time?

Just shut up and eat your bread.

-Hello!

-Here he is...

-You're late.

I know, sorry. I'll just get cleaned up and I'll make a start on dinner.

-You cheered up any?

-Yes, yes I have, thank you very much.

Good. Cos I know what it's really like to be put out to pasture.

I wasn't put out to... I'm 32. Jesus!

So, how was training?

You know what? Darren wasn't very happy, but it was really good.

Do you need me to come Kick a few people in the air?

I don't even know what that means. So, no. you should be resting.

Oh, there's this one guy on the team, right?

When he runs he... Like, honestly.

-I'll let you see for yourselves when you come down at the weekend.

-What?

-What?

-You expect me to come?

-Well, yeah.

-To watch you play football?

-Yes.

-Why?

-Because you're the Posh to my Becks.

I can't do Saturday. I have a breakfast meeting.

Oh, it's all right.

It's just football, no big deal.

OK, I'm going to go start dinner.

-If we wait for you, we'll starve to death.

-Yeah.

Sorry, just to clarify. if anything, we're both Becks.

How are we both David Beckham?

We're different sides. You're the good looking, sporty side.

I'm the entrepreneur and brains.

You're David Beckham's brains? No wonder you're so small(!)

(Right!)

OLLIE YAWNS

Oh, Dad, listen. I'm having a few problem fixing an old doorbell.

Any suggestions?

Chuck it out, get a new one.

Yeah.

What's wrong with it?

I'm thinking of doing extra training on Thursdays. What do you think?

What is that annoying whining sound?

It's so high-pitched and weak.

Seriously? You're still doing this?

I hope it stops immediately, before I smash it in the face!

-What's the problem? I'm trying to make you lot better.

-You've ruined it!

Last night, after training, I bumped in to Tash in the chippy.

I was getting a battered sausage and chips. Know what she asked for?

A salad, Ollie.

Can you get a salad in a chip shop?

The point is - she wanted one. Because you said it would help.

-Yeah, well, it will.

-There you go again!

Before, the team was fun. We didn't care.

But the second I saw you, I knew it. I thought "That's ruined, then."

It's still going to be fun! And we get to kick Ben and Danny's arses.

I'll pay you.

£10 a session.

£20 and I'll do it.

£15, right?

But listen, I want total commitment, Darren. Right? Deal?

Deal.

Deal.

See you tonight at training. All right.

No wait, Darren, it's not the end of the work day! Get back here! Darren!

WHISTLE TOOTS

What the hell are you doing? Some of them nearly hit me!

James, was that you? Oh, big guy now! I'll smash your face in, bruv!

Darren, leave it.

OK people, this is getting better!

I need some side-skips round the pitch. Come on.

-Come on Darren, you too.

-So stupid!

DARREN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

-What are you doing?

-Aren't you laughing? It was funny.

-No, it wasn't!

Just keep going round the pitch to loosen up.

Sorry! Who doesn't wear pants to football training?!

Why aren't any of you laughing? It's funny.

You know what, Darren?

-Perhaps you shouldn't play for this team any more.

-Perhaps I don't want to!

-Good!

-Good.

You're a massive bunch of losers!

-No they're not.

-We're on the cusp of being winners.

No. You're not, you're rubbish! Why can't you accept that?

Stop acting like a child, Darren.

Stop acting like an old man, Ollie!

I'm not old. I'm 32.

I'M NOT OLD!

JAGGED, GRIMY HIP-HOP PLAYS

No.

This isn't music.

Oh, my God, what was that?

Oh, you wouldn't know it. It's really underground.

I think I preferred their earlier work.

What, you listen to this?

God, no! You say that when someone plays you music and you want to look cool. Bit of advice from me to you.

-What do you want, Emma?

-Nothing, nothing. Just a chat.

-Are you going to support Danny at this tournament on Saturday?

-Er, yeah.

Right. And if for some reason you couldn't go, what would you do to show your support?

Would you get a banner with his face on,

with slogans like "Go Danny Go" on it? Would he like that?

Yeah, he'd love that.

You're asking me this because?

I'm just worried because I said to Ollie that I couldn't.

Hello, hello, hello!

-Ooh!

-What?

You two. Together. Should I run and duck for cover?

No, Emma was just asking me for some advice.

Oh, yeah? Well, you've come to the right woman

cos at school, we called her Auntie Liz.

-Old head, young shoulders.

-Not that old...

No, no Liz is really cool(!)

-MUSIC BLARES

-Thanks for the chat.

-Love you.

-Bye, love.

Since when do you listen to that crap?

Since ages ago. Though I think I prefer their earlier work.

-Are you feeling all right?

-Yeah, fine. Why?

It's just that music, man. It's just...

MUSIC BLARES

Liz, turn it off.

Liz don't start doing all this...

I need to ask you something.

Liz, Liz, listen...

Are you going to do that while I talk to you? That's...childish.

Oh, God. Ughhh!

Hey, jump in.

Nice wheels. Didn't know you had a car.

I don't - more of a scooter girl myself.

OK. So whose car's this then?

Hmm... Dunno.

You don't know?

No. I was thinking to myself, what is it the kids like to do today?

And then it hit me -

joyriding.

-OK...

-So I nicked it.

Buckle up.

Rrargh!

TYRES SCREECH

Oh, shiiiiiiiit!

What are you doing?

Doing what all the young kids do.

-You stole a car!

-Don't act like you haven't done it before.

-What the hell is wrong with you?!

-Nothing. Do you want a go?

-No!

I can see why you all do this... This is great!

We don't all do this. THIS isn't what we do!

POLICE SIREN

Shit! It's the rozzers.

What do we do? Do we run? Do we stay?

What do we do? Do we run? Do we stay? Do we run? Do we stay?

WE STAY! Jesus Christ, Liz!

YOU STAY! SHE CACKLES

I heard you're a goalkeeper down.

-Lucky I was here.

-What are you doing? You're not well enough.

Not well enough? Standing out in the open air watching you run around?

I hear you're really good now so the ball's going to be up the other end most of the time...

No, Dad. Gerry's going to go in goal when he gets here...

That's not going to happen... That was the old people's home.

Gerry didn't wake up this morning...

At least it was in his sleep.

I'm sorry...erm... I...I didn't really know Gerry...

Does that mean we're playing in the game or not?

Oh, we're playing.

We're playing for Gerry!

Well, thank God for that, right, cos this, this is our moment.

Martine McCutcheon?

No, no. How bad do you think my music collection is?

Still need a goalie?

Right, Dad, you can play in net, but listen to me now - you take it easy.

-And no playing dirty either.

-I don't know what you mean(!)

Good to see that Emma's made her presence felt.

OK, now tell me...

Can we do this?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Can we do this!? ALL: YES!

Yes! Come and win this match - come on!

Right, come on City!

See that big one?

Right, first corner, get your studs right down the back of his shin pad.

Come on City!

So, you ready to go down in a ball of flames?

I don't think so. I've bought marshmallows.

Not for cooking on the flames when we go down, for when you go down.

We're going to cook them on your flames. How do you like that, eh?

-Where's Boy Wonder then?

-He'll be here in a minute.

-Let you down has he?

-Shut up and let's do this.

Bring it on, Sunshine.

# Jabbie doh bay Swing doh bay

# Shudlee bop Shudlee boop

# Whoa-oh-oh

# Wee-weeoh

# Wee-weeoh dee woodlee didlee whoa-oh

# Zwee

# On the intercom Rosie tell me to come

# Said she didn't have a daughter She did have a son

# She say the lift doesn't run Run up the stairs and come

# And if you don't come quick You not gonna know that son

# So I grab a bunch of rose And I started to run

# Here I come Oh whoa... #

Well, that was embarrassing!

Shut up, Dad.

I thought I might just leave the ball in the back of my net for the second half.

Listen, I'm sorry, OK? I thought we could do this,

but I've let my pride get in the way. Sorry.

Well this doesn't look like much fun does it?

What are you doing here?

I wasn't going to miss this - I wanted to enjoy your pain

and you've not disappointed.

No, no, don't listen to him, now. We've got the second half.

Just use what we've learned in the first half, all right?

Or you could just start to enjoy yourselves.

I mean, look at you lot.

You've lost sight of what's important.

Ask yourself this - are you winners?

-Yeah!

-Yeah.

-No, you fools, you're not!

All right ask yourselves this - are you rubbish?

Come on, accept it.

Are you rubbish?

-ALL: Yes.

-Yes! Yes! And what's wrong with that?

I mean individually, you're awful, but as a team you're even worse

and I don't even know how that's possible, but it is.

Just accept who you are. Who you were.

We had something that no other team had.

We played to have a laugh and have fun.

That was it. Nothing more. And he's drummed that out of you.

You have.

All I'm saying is that you could be heroes just by being yourselves.

Your useless, unathletic, incompetent selves.

Yeah?

-He's right.

-Thank you.

So I'm going to ask you again - are you winners?

-ALL: No!

-No! But do you care?

-ALL: No!

-So let's get out there and be shit!

ALL: Yeah!

Come on you slow coaches, come on! Work it!

Like it!

-It's exactly what I always do, isn't it?

-Huh?

Try and find what I don't have, take the fun out of everything.

You just spent two days trying to fix a doorbell,

that I kept swapping the batteries out of to piss you off...

-How is that not fun?

-You what?

Do you fancy getting thrashed?

All right!

Come on! Come on!

Come on! Bring the pain!

Yeah! Come on!

ALL: Argh!

Gummity, gummity

Whirly, whirly

Gummity, gummity

Whirly, whirly

Shake your tikka masala sala

Whoah...argh!

THEY MAKE NONSENSE NOISES

# A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird

# B-b-b-bird, bird, bird b-bird's the word

# A-well-a bird, bird The bird's the word

# A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well a bird is the word

# A-well-a bird, bird b-bird's the word

# A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well a bird is the word

# A-well-a bird, bird b-bird's the word... #

Go on, lads! That's it! If you can't beat them, scar them!

# ..bird, bird, b-bird's the word

# A-well-a don't you know about the bird?

# Well, everybody's talking about the bird

# A-well-a bird, bird b-bird's the word

# A-well-a... #

Wait! Wait! I'm not ready yet!

# Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

# A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

# Don't you know about the bird?

# A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird

# A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word... #

END OF HALF WHISTLE Whoo!

Don't know what you're all looking so happy about, bunch of losers.

It's not about the winning, Ben - you don't look happy.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

-Hey. How did you sleep?

-How do you think?

Best date ever!

I don't think so.

Hey, it was always going to happen

and now we've got a great first kiss story.

OK, you're actually scaring me.

Well, can't say I didn't see this day coming...

Enjoy your night in the cells?

Shut up, Martin.

You shut up. I'm going to enjoy this.

Oh, my God, do you two actually know each other?

Do you get arrested a lot?

No, he tried to train me as a community support officer.

-I'm not a very good pupil.

-I'll bet.

11:45am, interview with Elizabeth Brown and Daniel Brigstocke.

PC Martin Orsom questioning, O-R-S-O-M.

So, it turns out the owner of the car didn't even notice

it was missing, and because I'm so awesome, A-W-E-S-O-M-E,

I've managed to get you off with a caution.

Oh, my God, thank you.

-Yes!

-All that I need from you is that you pay for any damages

and to admit to me right now which one of you actually stole the car.

She did. It was her. I was just a passenger.

Pshh!

Your mother's outside waiting.

Obviously, we had to call her, what with you being a minor.

What...who's a what now?

Danny. Didn't he tell you?

He's only just 15.

I, er...

Oh, God...

Oh, God - I'm Mrs Robinson!

We need to get this going now, mate.

I don't know where he is. Look, I'll sort it.

They'll be getting hammered, you know.

-Hey. What did I miss?

-Where have you been?

-I got arrested. It was brilliant!

-What?

-Nice.

-What?

-Yeah.

-Hiya.

Hey! You made it.

Yeah, meeting got cancelled. Someone stole the client's car.

What? No! Shut up - in Maplebury?

What is the world coming to?

So, are we all gutted we didn't make the final?

No, we're not, are we? I think we're the real winners.

-Such a bell-end.

-What are you laughing at?

-You watch too many Disney films, son.

-I think it's sweet.

Thank you, love.

Hi. Look, mate, we're totally screwed.

-Danny's still not turned up.

-He's grounded.

-What?

-What?

-Nothing.

Look, our sub's injured, we're a player down.

I need you back on the team.

Oh, really?

Well the thing is, I'm getting a Zimmer frame delivered in a bit,

then I've got to watch Midsomer Murders.

Look mate, don't be a dick. You want to play in the final or not?

OK.

What?

Look, it's just something I need to do, right?

TRANQUIL CLASSICAL MUSIC

WHISTLE BLOWS

Referee!

WHISTLE BLOWS

-We got a penalty.

-Right, this one's mine.

-What are you talking about? I got fouled, I'll take it.

-No way.

1-0 down, it's almost full time, we need this for a shoot out.

You'd be one man down if it wasn't for me. Come on, Ben.

Come on, please, I need this.

OK...

Do NOT screw this up.

Don't worry, I won't.

Come on!

He's really going to do this, isn't he?

-What?!

-HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Hey, sorry mate, must have been my hip replacement, eh?

END OF GAME WHISTLE

CHEERING

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

# People try to put us d-down

# Talkin' 'bout my generation

# Just because we get around

# Talkin' 'bout my generation

# Things they do look awful c-c-cold

# Talkin' 'bout my generation

# I hope I die before I get old

# Talkin' 'bout my generation

# This is my generation

# This is my generation, baby... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd