Crime and Punishment White Van Man

The food was good, I just think my lobster ravioli is still the king.

Ha-ha! You're such a dick!

-What?

-Come here.

What was that for?

I'm just happy to have you.

And in £900 time, I'm going to have that.

-Good(!) You think of me in the same context as a van.

-Why not?

Think about it. Lovely body, great finish, goes like a...

Ah, ah, ah!

Yes!

You know life is just... I don't know, it's just good at the moment.

Couple of jobs and I'll be able to do what I've wanted to do for ages,

expand this company.

-Shall we go?

-Let's.

-Oh, shit bags!

-What?

I've left my phone at work. Can we go and get it?

How is it even possible for you to forget your phone?

-Ha-ha! You're seeing a dizzy bitch.

-You're very pretty, though.

-What's that?

-What?

-I thought I saw something in the cafe.

-No. Cafe-catessen.

Cafe...delicatessen.

That's what I'm going to call it after the refurb.

What?

There it is again, look.

-I think someone's inside.

-Bollocks.

-Get in the van.

-Give me the keys. I'm going in.

-It's fine.

-It's not. Get in the van.

Hello. Police.

Yeah, I think somebody is breaking in to the coffee house...

Cafe-catessen.

..on the high street, yeah. Get in the van. Yeah OK, all right.

Oh, my God. Here we go.

Oi! Come here! Shit.

-Hi-ya!

-Darren? What are you doing here?

I didn't know we were doing the cafe till I got here, honest.

-Who was that?

-Who do you think?

What, Ricky? I can't believe you're doing this!

-Emma is in the van outside.

-That's my cue to leave.

Don't you dare. I can't just let you walk away.

You can. You can! I'm in debt. I've got a kid.

Please don't add prison to the list. Please? Please?

What am I supposed to do now? You tell me that.

You'll think of something!

Did you see anyone?

Just missed them. They got away. I'm sorry.

-There was like £1,000 in that till. I bet they have taken it.

-Yeah.

I was really worried about you.

Don't worry about me. It's OK.

I'll find whoever did this, believe me.

Morning.

You've got to be kidding me.

Anything exciting on today?

Hey, look. Skinny latte and a shot of vanilla

and no jokes about your drink being a bit gay.

What are you doing?

Just trying to perk you up for a hard day's work? Shall we?

No. Think I've forgot about last night?

The coffee has reminded you of the cafe. I knew it was a bad idea.

-Was you just going to carry on like nothing's happened?

-No!

I was going to try really hard to stop you from remembering.

I just let you go, Darren. I had to lie to my girlfriend's face.

Ricky said it'd be easy, said there'd be money in the till.

-I'm really strapped for cash at the moment.

-What for?

-To buy computer games and porn with?!

-I don't buy porn.

-I use the internet like everybody else.

-Where's the money then?

-Emma said there was £1,000 in that till.

-Yeah. Ricky's got it.

Ricky?

Why? Why would you do this?

Apparently my credit cards didn't pay themselves off

so I've borrowed the money from Joanne's uncle.

What?

Joanne's uncle. I owe him some money.

If I don't pay him, he'll break my legs.

So you thought, "Instead of banks,

"I'd rather owe money to a psychopath?!"

-He's family now.

-Who's threatening to break your legs?

-Good. You understand why I broke into the caff?

-You ripped off Emma.

You robbed her.

I don't want to see you again.

All right, listen. I think we all need to calm down.

I got in over my head, I know that.

But I didn't know...

I didn't mean to hurt you, man. I'm sorry!

Darren, listen to me, right. We're done.

You're on your own.

Ollie!

Ollie!

SONG: Don't Worry, Be Happy

Oi, here's trouble.

-Oi, what you doing here?

-Lunch. You?

Same.

-Pint?

-Yeah.

Why the long face?

There's no need to say.

I'll tell you all about my day, shall I? Where shall I start?

I've become a bit addicted to Rastamouse.

TV programme about a mouse who's also a Rasta.

Well, that's all my news.

You sure you're not going to tell me why you've got that face on?

I've really messed up, Tony.

Ollie says something like that, I don't worry,

cos I know he's just being a girl.

You say it, you get my attention,

cos we're talking a different scale of problems with you. Aren't we?

Yeah...

Reggie, Joanne's uncle, I owe him some money and he's coming here to collect his debt.

Oh, right. Reggie.

Well, I should be able to help. How much?

-Five grand.

-Five grand?!

It felt like a good deal at the time.

How's he even got that much to lend?

I knew he was dirty, the tubby little bastard.

-What's going on?

-Darren owes Reggie money.

-How much?

A shit load. He's going to break my legs if I don't pay.

Get him to smack you round the face while he's at it, you idiot!

-I didn't think he'd get like this.

-You didn't...

This is the guy I once saw have an argument with a climbing frame.

-I saw him punch a dog.

-What?

-What?

-Yeah, right in the face.

-Claims it was trying to attack him.

-Was it?

-No.

It was on a lead that thick outside Poundland.

What am I going to do?

DOOR OPENS

There he is, Darren Brown.

Hiya!

Whoa. Reggie...

You got my money, ballbag?

Listen to me very care... No, listen.

Cos today is the day it gets paid. One way or the other.

Back off him! You and I can sort this!

What? Me and you? Man to man, toe to toe? On behalf of Darren?

Yeah! What say we try and settle this the old-fashioned way?

Bring it on, Pops.

I do believe I win.

So he still owes me.

Now.

What's it going to be?

Money or legs?

Hang on. I know how we can sort this. I've had an idea.

Double or quits.

-Yeah, all right.

-No! No!

DOOR SLAMS

Hello, Ricky.

I knew if I left a window open, sooner or later, you'd show up.

I'm getting predictable in my old age.

-You been working in here today then?

-Yes, yes, I have.

-Haven't seen you for ages! How long's it been?

-15 hours.

-No, no. I haven't seen you since...

-Last night,

when you broke into my girlfriend's delicatessen.

-I thought it was a cafe?

-It's both. It's a cafe-catessen.

That is awful.

-I want Emma's money back.

-Whoa, easy.

-I'm insulted you think it was me.

-I know it was you. And Darren.

That's just racial profiling.

He told me you hired him for the job. Why?

-I get lonely doing it on my own.

-No... Why there?

Why Emma's place? You hardly got any cash.

-I didn't get any. The till was empty.

-Don't even try that.

I know there was £1,000 in that till.

That's what we told the police.

Yes.

The police.

So, this is the way I see it.

You've got 24 hours to give me the money so I can give it to Emma,

otherwise I'll tell the police what I know.

How'd you like dem apples?

Whose apples?

Dem... De apples...

-Are they your apples?

-No, they're not mine.

-But you're asking me how I like them?

-Yes.

I honestly don't know.

Just give me the grand in 24 hours

or I'm telling the police it was you. Right?

I'll get it to you as soon as I can.

Right, good.

I'm glad we came to some agreement.

-You can put them back for a start.

-I can't help it. It's an addiction!

Get out the window you came in from. Go on!

24 hours, Ricky, do you understand me? 24 hours!

How do you like dem apples?!

Tony, you're rubbish.

The flights are bent. I should've gone home and got my own.

Shut up, you herbert I won fair and square and you know it.

Now, you owe me twice the amount.

So it's ten grand...

..or I take your legs.

Reggie...

..I don't know what you want from me.

I haven't got your money and I can't just let you take my legs.

I made mistakes with my money but I did it for the baby,

for Chanel and Joanne. There must be another way?

Oh, yeah. There is.

But it's this or the money, right?

OK, OK. Brilliant.

Darren Brown.

Yeah?

I'm going to need you to marry my niece.

Sorry, I missed that. What did you say?

If you want to clear your debt, you're going to have to do

as this family wishes, and that's marrying our Joanne.

You disrespected her!

Now's your chance to re-respect her.

Uh...

What about her boyfriend? Won't he have a problem?

He'll do as he's told!

What's it to be?

Darren?

Are you ready to join our family?

SCREAMS

You? What are you doing here, you dick?

Step into my orifice.

-Nice car.

-It's not mine.

-Of course. What do you want?

-Had a visit from your fella today.

Demanded I gave you your money back. How very noble of him.

The problem I have is that he told me you told the police you had a grand in the till,

but there was only 300.

That's what we agreed. 300 quid, mess the place up, don't get caught.

And you'll claim even more back on the insurance?

Why were you still there when we got back?

I couldn't help it. Darren was slowing me down. Then you arrived.

Darren? And how does Ollie even know that you're involved?

I think he caught Darren and must have let him go.

What? He doesn't know I'm involved?

No. Your little insurance scam's safe. For now.

But the way I see it, you either give me

the whole grand you're going to make back.

or I'll tell him the full details right now.

You wouldn't.

Try me.

-And I'll need another grand to pay Ollie with.

-Fine, take this one.

I'll give it back to you when he gives it to me.

Right. Yeah, yeah. that'll work... I think.

Hang on. Just to clarify.

You've given this to me and then I give it to Ollie, who will give it

to you and you'll them give it back to me, at which point I can keep it?

-Yeah.

-Great! Right. Lovely doing business with you.

SIGHS

Look, erm... Just promise me he'll never find out.

Hey! People like us, we got to stick together!

Great(!)

-Hello, love.

-Hi.

-You all right?

-Yeah, fine. Why wouldn't I be?

I've found him.

-How's it going, slugger?

-What?

What?

It felt like a slugger moment.

Are you really going to make me do this?

It could be worse. She could be a right old minger!

Thank you, Ricardo. I'm not quite sure this is helping.

Suit yourselves. I'll see you in there, D-dog.

I'm off to browse the trophy cabinet.

-I'm really going to have to do this.

-It's just a wedding licence.

Something to keep her family happy.

Yeah, I guess.

Darren, nobody is actually taking any of this seriously.

Yeah?

I can't believe you're not going to come.

It's Darren's wedding, Ollie!

Emma, what he does with his life is of no interest to me.

-I'm not going to this wedding.

-Even though he invited you specifically?

Do you really think Darren sent them invites?

When I first opened this, I was on my own, I nearly choked to death.

Are you ready?

-Wow!

-I hate that!

Just send me a card, I don't want your crap!

It might as well say, "Please come to our wedding. Happy vacuuming!"

Listen to this.

"Dear Oliver White Van Man and Blonde Lady."

Nice to know I've made an impact(!)

"Please join us for our pixie dust sprinkled, fairy-tale wedding.

"Maplebury registry office. 2pm." There's more.

"PS, If you have an allergy to animal fur,

"please be aware our ring bearers are 12 white puppies."

Does that sound like an invite Darren would send?

-No.

-I don't think so.

-His would be written on a page of the job book,

like the invitation to his birthday party.

Darren had a birthday party?

No...

12 white ring bearing puppies! How can you not want to see that?

Because he betrayed us, Emma.

You don't need to know the details, but he did.

I want nothing to do with him. That's it.

OK. Well, you know where we are if you change your mind.

Yes. Have a good time.

-See you, love.

-Bye.

-You look nice, by the way.

-Thanks.

-Put it back!

-Damn it!

Liz! >

GASPS

(Wow.)

I know. Amazing isn't it? And, er...check this out!

GASPS

You look, erm... Beautiful?

Oh, thanks, sister-in-law.

We're going to have so many family fun times!

So, what do you think of my dress?

Isn't it a bit much?

For my wedding day? Never.

I'm just gutted the council won't allow animals in here.

I would've had doves and dogs everywhere.

Don't you think it's a bit over the top?

Oh, Liz.

Don't be jealous.

You can have this as well now.

They've made it legal for lesbians to marry, you know?

Yeah, hang on. I'm not a lesbian.

Right! >

That's my pre-wedding shit done.

-Shall we?

-I've only been waiting my whole life!

You're really going to make Darren do this, aren't you?

Yeah. Look at her. I'm almost tempted to marry her myself.

(Inappropriate.)

So, let's make an honest woman of you.

Good luck with that.

Um...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just give me two minutes.

-I'm going to make sure everyone's in place.

-OK!

-EXHALES

-I'll see you two on the other side.

(You totally bonkers nut-jobs.)

Jesus. Every time that door opens I think it's begun.

DOORS FLY OPEN

-Ugh...

-Ooh. Sorry. I was just...

-I can explain.

-Ricky!

< Are you ready for us inside yet?

-Right. We've still got time. We can still get out of this. OK?

-Yeah.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I've got an idea.

Can anybody lend us £10,000?

GUESTS LAUGH

Ready or not, here I come!

Whoa, whoa.

-No!

-All right, all right.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Oh, I'm nervous!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello. Mind if we come in for a chat?

No. Come in. It's fine.

-So, I'm assuming you've found something then.

-Yeah.

We've got some CCTV photos of the people involved

and we're trying to locate them.

No, but this is...

Emma Keeley.

Now, why would she be handing to a known criminal money

the day after a break-in?

Insurance fraud.

That would make sense.

In fact, that might explain why there's no sign of a break-in.

Could have had a key. Isn't it convenient that you two

happened to be passing by that night?

We've been to her house but she's out.

Any idea where she might be?

"The cow, the dog, the cat, the monkey and the dove

"have come to watch us marry and make sweet love."

"The sheep, the camel, the manta ray,

"wishing us lots of joy on our wedding day."

That was bloody beautiful.

I wrote it myself.

No. Shut up. Really?

Right! Finally, we come to the most important part of the ceremony,

the actual wedding vows.

So, first I must ask you,

all the friends and family gathered here today,

if you know of any lawful reason why these two people

can not be joined in marriage, speak now or for ever hold...

DOORS FLY OPEN

Sir, do you have an objection?

Do you know of a reason this marriage shouldn't go ahead?

Well, do you?

No, carry on.

-What are you doing?

-Don't even talk to me.

-So, shall I continue?

-Oh, Ricky.

Do you know my girlfriend, Emma?

-Um...

-You do, cos you've been doing a bit business together, I hear.

That's right, isn't it?

Now, do you have the rings?

Oh, yes.

Ricardo!

I haven't got them!

Oh, no, wait. I have. Sorry.

I didn't mean any harm. It's just...

I'm genuinely really honoured to be here today.

It's just weddings. They get me...

What?!

Come on, look. I'm not wearing that and I'm not paying for that!

Do you want me to take your legs instead?

Let's get married then.

OK!

Do you, Darren Leroy Brown,

take Joanne Princess Tonell to be your lawfully wedded wife?

To have and to hold from this day forth,

for better, for worse,

for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health,

till death do you part?

(I do.)

Yeah. It's pretty emotional, isn't it?

And do you, Joanne Princess Tonell, take Darren Leroy Brown

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

To have and to hold from this day forward,

for better for worse, for richer for poorer,

in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish,

till death you do part?

I do! I do!

DOORS FLY OPEN

They'll be here for you then.

I said, "I do", so are we married?

We're looking for Ms Emma Keeley in connection with the break-in

-at the cafe on the high street.

-Look. I said it.

Are we married yet or not?

I'm arresting you on suspicion of insurance fraud on your own business.

-Anything you do say...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Um... It was me!

-Yeah, sorry. We broke in.

-Don't bring me in to this!

Arrest me. This marriage can't be completed.

What are you doing, Darren?

I'd rather serve hard time than get married to that!

That's my niece you're talking about!

-Don't I know you?

-Me? No.

-And you.

-Me? No, I'm er...

I think you have mistaken me for someone else, love.

-Shit!

-Shit!

Oi, you. You go!

Kill him!

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.

No, Ollie, please don't go, don't go.

What were you even thinking? It's always about money for you.

No, it's not, I'm not like him! I was doing this for you!

By getting someone to break into the caff and claim off the insurance?

Yeah!

Right. I'm taking that as a confession.

No, no. I wasn't... Shit!

-No! No!

-Don't leave me here with that!

-Oi!

Come on!

Right, you take care of that lot, I'll got after this one.

Look, Ollie, please. I was trying to do a good thing.

-It was going to make you so happy.

-No, Emma.

It was going to make you so happy. It's always about you.

So you could do your stupid little refurbishment on your cafe.

-You're selfish. You're selfish.

-Look, Ollie, please don't do this.

Right, let's go.

Ollie...

No. No. Liz, don't you dare! He's mine! No!

No, Liz, no!

It's going to be all right, Ollie. We're here for you. OK?

< Look.

I said, "I do!" Are we married or not?!

-Not quite. W...do you want me to continue?

-Yes!

Well?

Ollie...

Darren...

-Get in the van!

-Yes!

No! No! No, you can't leave!

Go!

-Right, let's go.

-Where?

-I don't know. Right now, anywhere but here.

Is it wrong to say I've missed this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Floor it!

Woo hoo!

TYRES SCREECH

# Should I stay or should I go now?

# If I go there will be trouble

# And if I stay it will be double

# So you've gotta let me know

# Should I cool it or should I blow?

# Should I stay or should I go now?

# If I go there will be trouble

# And if I stay it will be double #

# So you've gotta let me know

# Should I stay or should I go? #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd