Crime and Punishment White Van Man


Crime and Punishment

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Transcript


LineFromTo

The food was good, I just think my lobster ravioli is still the king.

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Ha-ha! You're such a dick!

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-What?

-Come here.

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What was that for?

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I'm just happy to have you.

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And in £900 time, I'm going to have that.

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-Good(!) You think of me in the same context as a van.

-Why not?

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Think about it. Lovely body, great finish, goes like a...

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Ah, ah, ah!

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Yes!

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You know life is just... I don't know, it's just good at the moment.

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Couple of jobs and I'll be able to do what I've wanted to do for ages,

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expand this company.

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-Shall we go?

-Let's.

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-Oh, shit bags!

-What?

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I've left my phone at work. Can we go and get it?

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How is it even possible for you to forget your phone?

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-Ha-ha! You're seeing a dizzy bitch.

-You're very pretty, though.

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-What's that?

-What?

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-I thought I saw something in the cafe.

-No. Cafe-catessen.

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Cafe...delicatessen.

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That's what I'm going to call it after the refurb.

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What?

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There it is again, look.

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-I think someone's inside.

-Bollocks.

-Get in the van.

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-Give me the keys. I'm going in.

-It's fine.

-It's not. Get in the van.

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Hello. Police.

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Yeah, I think somebody is breaking in to the coffee house...

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Cafe-catessen.

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..on the high street, yeah. Get in the van. Yeah OK, all right.

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Oh, my God. Here we go.

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Oi! Come here! Shit.

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-Hi-ya!

-Darren? What are you doing here?

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I didn't know we were doing the cafe till I got here, honest.

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-Who was that?

-Who do you think?

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What, Ricky? I can't believe you're doing this!

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-Emma is in the van outside.

-That's my cue to leave.

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Don't you dare. I can't just let you walk away.

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You can. You can! I'm in debt. I've got a kid.

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Please don't add prison to the list. Please? Please?

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What am I supposed to do now? You tell me that.

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You'll think of something!

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Did you see anyone?

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Just missed them. They got away. I'm sorry.

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-There was like £1,000 in that till. I bet they have taken it.

-Yeah.

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I was really worried about you.

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Don't worry about me. It's OK.

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I'll find whoever did this, believe me.

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Morning.

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You've got to be kidding me.

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Anything exciting on today?

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Hey, look. Skinny latte and a shot of vanilla

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and no jokes about your drink being a bit gay.

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What are you doing?

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Just trying to perk you up for a hard day's work? Shall we?

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No. Think I've forgot about last night?

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The coffee has reminded you of the cafe. I knew it was a bad idea.

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-Was you just going to carry on like nothing's happened?

-No!

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I was going to try really hard to stop you from remembering.

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I just let you go, Darren. I had to lie to my girlfriend's face.

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Ricky said it'd be easy, said there'd be money in the till.

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-I'm really strapped for cash at the moment.

-What for?

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-To buy computer games and porn with?!

-I don't buy porn.

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-I use the internet like everybody else.

-Where's the money then?

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-Emma said there was £1,000 in that till.

-Yeah. Ricky's got it.

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Ricky?

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Why? Why would you do this?

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Apparently my credit cards didn't pay themselves off

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so I've borrowed the money from Joanne's uncle.

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What?

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Joanne's uncle. I owe him some money.

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If I don't pay him, he'll break my legs.

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So you thought, "Instead of banks,

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"I'd rather owe money to a psychopath?!"

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-He's family now.

-Who's threatening to break your legs?

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-Good. You understand why I broke into the caff?

-You ripped off Emma.

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You robbed her.

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I don't want to see you again.

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All right, listen. I think we all need to calm down.

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I got in over my head, I know that.

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But I didn't know...

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I didn't mean to hurt you, man. I'm sorry!

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Darren, listen to me, right. We're done.

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You're on your own.

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Ollie!

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Ollie!

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SONG: Don't Worry, Be Happy

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Oi, here's trouble.

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-Oi, what you doing here?

-Lunch. You?

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Same.

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-Pint?

-Yeah.

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Why the long face?

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There's no need to say.

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I'll tell you all about my day, shall I? Where shall I start?

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I've become a bit addicted to Rastamouse.

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TV programme about a mouse who's also a Rasta.

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Well, that's all my news.

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You sure you're not going to tell me why you've got that face on?

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I've really messed up, Tony.

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Ollie says something like that, I don't worry,

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cos I know he's just being a girl.

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You say it, you get my attention,

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cos we're talking a different scale of problems with you. Aren't we?

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Yeah...

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Reggie, Joanne's uncle, I owe him some money and he's coming here to collect his debt.

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Oh, right. Reggie.

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Well, I should be able to help. How much?

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-Five grand.

-Five grand?!

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It felt like a good deal at the time.

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How's he even got that much to lend?

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I knew he was dirty, the tubby little bastard.

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-What's going on?

-Darren owes Reggie money.

-How much?

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A shit load. He's going to break my legs if I don't pay.

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Get him to smack you round the face while he's at it, you idiot!

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-I didn't think he'd get like this.

-You didn't...

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This is the guy I once saw have an argument with a climbing frame.

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-I saw him punch a dog.

-What?

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-What?

-Yeah, right in the face.

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-Claims it was trying to attack him.

-Was it?

-No.

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It was on a lead that thick outside Poundland.

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What am I going to do?

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DOOR OPENS

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There he is, Darren Brown.

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Hiya!

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Whoa. Reggie...

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You got my money, ballbag?

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Listen to me very care... No, listen.

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Cos today is the day it gets paid. One way or the other.

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Back off him! You and I can sort this!

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What? Me and you? Man to man, toe to toe? On behalf of Darren?

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Yeah! What say we try and settle this the old-fashioned way?

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Bring it on, Pops.

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I do believe I win.

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So he still owes me.

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Now.

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What's it going to be?

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Money or legs?

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Hang on. I know how we can sort this. I've had an idea.

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Double or quits.

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-Yeah, all right.

-No! No!

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DOOR SLAMS

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Hello, Ricky.

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I knew if I left a window open, sooner or later, you'd show up.

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I'm getting predictable in my old age.

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-You been working in here today then?

-Yes, yes, I have.

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-Haven't seen you for ages! How long's it been?

-15 hours.

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-No, no. I haven't seen you since...

-Last night,

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when you broke into my girlfriend's delicatessen.

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-I thought it was a cafe?

-It's both. It's a cafe-catessen.

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That is awful.

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-I want Emma's money back.

-Whoa, easy.

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-I'm insulted you think it was me.

-I know it was you. And Darren.

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That's just racial profiling.

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He told me you hired him for the job. Why?

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-I get lonely doing it on my own.

-No... Why there?

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Why Emma's place? You hardly got any cash.

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-I didn't get any. The till was empty.

-Don't even try that.

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I know there was £1,000 in that till.

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That's what we told the police.

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Yes.

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The police.

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So, this is the way I see it.

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You've got 24 hours to give me the money so I can give it to Emma,

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otherwise I'll tell the police what I know.

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How'd you like dem apples?

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Whose apples?

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Dem... De apples...

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-Are they your apples?

-No, they're not mine.

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-But you're asking me how I like them?

-Yes.

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I honestly don't know.

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Just give me the grand in 24 hours

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or I'm telling the police it was you. Right?

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I'll get it to you as soon as I can.

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Right, good.

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I'm glad we came to some agreement.

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-You can put them back for a start.

-I can't help it. It's an addiction!

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Get out the window you came in from. Go on!

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24 hours, Ricky, do you understand me? 24 hours!

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How do you like dem apples?!

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Tony, you're rubbish.

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The flights are bent. I should've gone home and got my own.

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Shut up, you herbert I won fair and square and you know it.

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Now, you owe me twice the amount.

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So it's ten grand...

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..or I take your legs.

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Reggie...

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..I don't know what you want from me.

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I haven't got your money and I can't just let you take my legs.

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I made mistakes with my money but I did it for the baby,

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for Chanel and Joanne. There must be another way?

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Oh, yeah. There is.

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But it's this or the money, right?

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OK, OK. Brilliant.

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Darren Brown.

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Yeah?

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I'm going to need you to marry my niece.

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Sorry, I missed that. What did you say?

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If you want to clear your debt, you're going to have to do

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as this family wishes, and that's marrying our Joanne.

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You disrespected her!

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Now's your chance to re-respect her.

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Uh...

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What about her boyfriend? Won't he have a problem?

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He'll do as he's told!

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What's it to be?

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Darren?

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Are you ready to join our family?

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SCREAMS

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You? What are you doing here, you dick?

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Step into my orifice.

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-Nice car.

-It's not mine.

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-Of course. What do you want?

-Had a visit from your fella today.

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Demanded I gave you your money back. How very noble of him.

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The problem I have is that he told me you told the police you had a grand in the till,

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but there was only 300.

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That's what we agreed. 300 quid, mess the place up, don't get caught.

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And you'll claim even more back on the insurance?

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Why were you still there when we got back?

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I couldn't help it. Darren was slowing me down. Then you arrived.

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Darren? And how does Ollie even know that you're involved?

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I think he caught Darren and must have let him go.

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What? He doesn't know I'm involved?

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No. Your little insurance scam's safe. For now.

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But the way I see it, you either give me

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the whole grand you're going to make back.

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or I'll tell him the full details right now.

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You wouldn't.

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Try me.

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-And I'll need another grand to pay Ollie with.

-Fine, take this one.

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I'll give it back to you when he gives it to me.

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Right. Yeah, yeah. that'll work... I think.

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Hang on. Just to clarify.

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You've given this to me and then I give it to Ollie, who will give it

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to you and you'll them give it back to me, at which point I can keep it?

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-Yeah.

-Great! Right. Lovely doing business with you.

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SIGHS

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Look, erm... Just promise me he'll never find out.

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Hey! People like us, we got to stick together!

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Great(!)

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-Hello, love.

-Hi.

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-You all right?

-Yeah, fine. Why wouldn't I be?

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I've found him.

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-How's it going, slugger?

-What?

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What?

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It felt like a slugger moment.

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Are you really going to make me do this?

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It could be worse. She could be a right old minger!

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Thank you, Ricardo. I'm not quite sure this is helping.

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Suit yourselves. I'll see you in there, D-dog.

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I'm off to browse the trophy cabinet.

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-I'm really going to have to do this.

-It's just a wedding licence.

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Something to keep her family happy.

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Yeah, I guess.

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Darren, nobody is actually taking any of this seriously.

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Yeah?

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I can't believe you're not going to come.

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It's Darren's wedding, Ollie!

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Emma, what he does with his life is of no interest to me.

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-I'm not going to this wedding.

-Even though he invited you specifically?

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Do you really think Darren sent them invites?

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When I first opened this, I was on my own, I nearly choked to death.

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Are you ready?

0:16:210:16:23

-Wow!

-I hate that!

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Just send me a card, I don't want your crap!

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It might as well say, "Please come to our wedding. Happy vacuuming!"

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Listen to this.

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"Dear Oliver White Van Man and Blonde Lady."

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Nice to know I've made an impact(!)

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"Please join us for our pixie dust sprinkled, fairy-tale wedding.

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"Maplebury registry office. 2pm." There's more.

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"PS, If you have an allergy to animal fur,

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"please be aware our ring bearers are 12 white puppies."

0:16:500:16:53

Does that sound like an invite Darren would send?

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-No.

-I don't think so.

-His would be written on a page of the job book,

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like the invitation to his birthday party.

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Darren had a birthday party?

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No...

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12 white ring bearing puppies! How can you not want to see that?

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Because he betrayed us, Emma.

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You don't need to know the details, but he did.

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I want nothing to do with him. That's it.

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OK. Well, you know where we are if you change your mind.

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Yes. Have a good time.

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-See you, love.

-Bye.

-You look nice, by the way.

-Thanks.

0:17:240:17:28

-Put it back!

-Damn it!

0:17:360:17:39

Liz! >

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GASPS

0:17:400:17:41

(Wow.)

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I know. Amazing isn't it? And, er...check this out!

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GASPS

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You look, erm... Beautiful?

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Oh, thanks, sister-in-law.

0:17:560:17:58

We're going to have so many family fun times!

0:17:580:18:01

So, what do you think of my dress?

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Isn't it a bit much?

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For my wedding day? Never.

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I'm just gutted the council won't allow animals in here.

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I would've had doves and dogs everywhere.

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Don't you think it's a bit over the top?

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Oh, Liz.

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Don't be jealous.

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You can have this as well now.

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They've made it legal for lesbians to marry, you know?

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Yeah, hang on. I'm not a lesbian.

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Right! >

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That's my pre-wedding shit done.

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-Shall we?

-I've only been waiting my whole life!

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You're really going to make Darren do this, aren't you?

0:18:460:18:49

Yeah. Look at her. I'm almost tempted to marry her myself.

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(Inappropriate.)

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So, let's make an honest woman of you.

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Good luck with that.

0:19:020:19:04

Um...

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.

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Just give me two minutes.

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-I'm going to make sure everyone's in place.

-OK!

0:19:120:19:15

-EXHALES

-I'll see you two on the other side.

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(You totally bonkers nut-jobs.)

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Jesus. Every time that door opens I think it's begun.

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DOORS FLY OPEN

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-Ugh...

-Ooh. Sorry. I was just...

0:19:380:19:41

-I can explain.

-Ricky!

0:19:450:19:47

< Are you ready for us inside yet?

0:19:470:19:49

-Right. We've still got time. We can still get out of this. OK?

-Yeah.

0:19:500:19:56

Breathe.

0:19:560:19:57

Breathe.

0:19:580:19:59

I've got an idea.

0:20:020:20:04

Can anybody lend us £10,000?

0:20:040:20:07

GUESTS LAUGH

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Ready or not, here I come!

0:20:080:20:10

Whoa, whoa.

0:20:120:20:14

-No!

-All right, all right.

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Oh, shit.

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Oh, shit.

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Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

0:20:240:20:27

Oh, I'm nervous!

0:20:320:20:33

KNOCK ON DOOR

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Hello. Mind if we come in for a chat?

0:20:400:20:43

No. Come in. It's fine.

0:20:460:20:48

-So, I'm assuming you've found something then.

-Yeah.

0:20:570:21:00

We've got some CCTV photos of the people involved

0:21:000:21:03

and we're trying to locate them.

0:21:030:21:06

No, but this is...

0:21:100:21:11

Emma Keeley.

0:21:110:21:13

Now, why would she be handing to a known criminal money

0:21:130:21:16

the day after a break-in?

0:21:160:21:20

Insurance fraud.

0:21:210:21:23

That would make sense.

0:21:230:21:24

In fact, that might explain why there's no sign of a break-in.

0:21:240:21:30

Could have had a key. Isn't it convenient that you two

0:21:300:21:32

happened to be passing by that night?

0:21:320:21:35

We've been to her house but she's out.

0:21:350:21:38

Any idea where she might be?

0:21:400:21:44

"The cow, the dog, the cat, the monkey and the dove

0:21:450:21:49

"have come to watch us marry and make sweet love."

0:21:490:21:53

"The sheep, the camel, the manta ray,

0:21:560:21:59

"wishing us lots of joy on our wedding day."

0:21:590:22:02

That was bloody beautiful.

0:22:020:22:05

I wrote it myself.

0:22:050:22:06

No. Shut up. Really?

0:22:060:22:07

Right! Finally, we come to the most important part of the ceremony,

0:22:070:22:13

the actual wedding vows.

0:22:130:22:16

So, first I must ask you,

0:22:160:22:18

all the friends and family gathered here today,

0:22:180:22:21

if you know of any lawful reason why these two people

0:22:210:22:23

can not be joined in marriage, speak now or for ever hold...

0:22:230:22:28

DOORS FLY OPEN

0:22:280:22:30

Sir, do you have an objection?

0:22:340:22:36

Do you know of a reason this marriage shouldn't go ahead?

0:22:360:22:40

Well, do you?

0:22:430:22:45

No, carry on.

0:22:470:22:48

-What are you doing?

-Don't even talk to me.

0:22:500:22:52

-So, shall I continue?

-Oh, Ricky.

0:22:520:22:55

Do you know my girlfriend, Emma?

0:22:550:22:57

-Um...

-You do, cos you've been doing a bit business together, I hear.

0:22:570:23:01

That's right, isn't it?

0:23:010:23:02

Now, do you have the rings?

0:23:020:23:04

Oh, yes.

0:23:040:23:05

Ricardo!

0:23:080:23:10

I haven't got them!

0:23:100:23:11

Oh, no, wait. I have. Sorry.

0:23:130:23:16

I didn't mean any harm. It's just...

0:23:160:23:18

I'm genuinely really honoured to be here today.

0:23:180:23:21

It's just weddings. They get me...

0:23:230:23:25

What?!

0:23:280:23:29

Come on, look. I'm not wearing that and I'm not paying for that!

0:23:290:23:32

Do you want me to take your legs instead?

0:23:320:23:34

Let's get married then.

0:23:380:23:40

OK!

0:23:400:23:42

Do you, Darren Leroy Brown,

0:23:420:23:45

take Joanne Princess Tonell to be your lawfully wedded wife?

0:23:450:23:49

To have and to hold from this day forth,

0:23:490:23:53

for better, for worse,

0:23:530:23:55

for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health,

0:23:550:23:57

till death do you part?

0:23:570:24:00

(I do.)

0:24:030:24:04

Yeah. It's pretty emotional, isn't it?

0:24:040:24:08

And do you, Joanne Princess Tonell, take Darren Leroy Brown

0:24:090:24:14

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

0:24:140:24:17

To have and to hold from this day forward,

0:24:170:24:19

for better for worse, for richer for poorer,

0:24:190:24:23

in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish,

0:24:230:24:26

till death you do part?

0:24:260:24:28

I do! I do!

0:24:280:24:30

DOORS FLY OPEN

0:24:300:24:32

They'll be here for you then.

0:24:340:24:36

I said, "I do", so are we married?

0:24:360:24:38

We're looking for Ms Emma Keeley in connection with the break-in

0:24:380:24:41

-at the cafe on the high street.

-Look. I said it.

0:24:410:24:44

Are we married yet or not?

0:24:440:24:45

I'm arresting you on suspicion of insurance fraud on your own business.

0:24:450:24:49

-Anything you do say...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

0:24:490:24:52

Um... It was me!

0:24:520:24:54

-Yeah, sorry. We broke in.

-Don't bring me in to this!

0:24:540:24:58

Arrest me. This marriage can't be completed.

0:24:580:25:00

What are you doing, Darren?

0:25:000:25:02

I'd rather serve hard time than get married to that!

0:25:020:25:05

That's my niece you're talking about!

0:25:050:25:07

-Don't I know you?

-Me? No.

0:25:100:25:12

-And you.

-Me? No, I'm er...

0:25:120:25:15

I think you have mistaken me for someone else, love.

0:25:150:25:17

-Shit!

-Shit!

0:25:170:25:20

Oi, you. You go!

0:25:200:25:22

Kill him!

0:25:220:25:24

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.

0:25:240:25:26

No, Ollie, please don't go, don't go.

0:25:260:25:28

What were you even thinking? It's always about money for you.

0:25:280:25:31

No, it's not, I'm not like him! I was doing this for you!

0:25:310:25:34

By getting someone to break into the caff and claim off the insurance?

0:25:340:25:37

Yeah!

0:25:380:25:39

Right. I'm taking that as a confession.

0:25:390:25:41

No, no. I wasn't... Shit!

0:25:410:25:45

-No! No!

-Don't leave me here with that!

-Oi!

0:25:460:25:51

Come on!

0:25:520:25:54

Right, you take care of that lot, I'll got after this one.

0:25:540:25:57

Look, Ollie, please. I was trying to do a good thing.

0:25:570:26:00

-It was going to make you so happy.

-No, Emma.

0:26:000:26:03

It was going to make you so happy. It's always about you.

0:26:030:26:06

So you could do your stupid little refurbishment on your cafe.

0:26:060:26:09

-You're selfish. You're selfish.

-Look, Ollie, please don't do this.

0:26:090:26:13

Right, let's go.

0:26:130:26:14

Ollie...

0:26:140:26:16

No. No. Liz, don't you dare! He's mine! No!

0:26:170:26:21

No, Liz, no!

0:26:210:26:23

It's going to be all right, Ollie. We're here for you. OK?

0:26:230:26:27

< Look.

0:26:280:26:29

I said, "I do!" Are we married or not?!

0:26:290:26:33

-Not quite. W...do you want me to continue?

-Yes!

0:26:330:26:37

Well?

0:26:380:26:39

Ollie...

0:26:390:26:41

Darren...

0:26:460:26:48

-Get in the van!

-Yes!

0:26:480:26:49

No! No! No, you can't leave!

0:26:490:26:54

Go!

0:26:540:26:56

-Right, let's go.

-Where?

-I don't know. Right now, anywhere but here.

0:27:090:27:13

Is it wrong to say I've missed this?

0:27:130:27:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Floor it!

0:27:160:27:18

Woo hoo!

0:27:180:27:19

TYRES SCREECH

0:27:190:27:20

# Should I stay or should I go now?

0:27:220:27:25

# If I go there will be trouble

0:27:270:27:28

# And if I stay it will be double

0:27:300:27:34

# So you've gotta let me know

0:27:350:27:39

# Should I cool it or should I blow?

0:27:390:27:41

# Should I stay or should I go now?

0:27:430:27:47

# If I go there will be trouble

0:27:480:27:51

# And if I stay it will be double #

0:27:510:27:55

# So you've gotta let me know

0:27:560:28:00

# Should I stay or should I go? #

0:28:000:28:02

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