Episode 1 Witless


Episode 1

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This programme contains some strong language

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I'm afraid the murder you witnessed was part of a gang-related feud

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over the sale of bootleg cigarettes. Until this goes to trial,

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you'll both be granted protected witness status.

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You're saying we need to go into witness protection?

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LEANNE GASPS

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From now on, I need you to only use these names.

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Sarah Penn.

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Lisa Smith.

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Look, I've got a job for yous, ain't I?

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It's a couple of girls causing a bit of trouble.

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They need taking out.

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-Have any of you lads ever handled one of these before?

-Yeah.

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Yeah, of course, man.

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Hiya, Jackie.

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-All right.

-IN POOR IRISH ACCENT: Nice weather we're having.

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Telly said it was going to piss it down.

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Are you taking the piss?

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Police are here, Gaz, want to talk to you.

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I'd like to take Gareth down to the station,

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if you don't mind, Mrs Pugh.

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'To make a formal statement.'

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Has anyone been down to speak to you about anything?

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Nah.

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That's weird, mate, cos...

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..I thought I saw the 5-0 outside your house earlier.

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There's a mole in the police.

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'Your location has been compromised.'

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Shit!

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GUNSHOT

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Oh, bums.

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Jackie!

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Jackie.

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Jackie!

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Rhona, guard the door.

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-Rhona!

-Yes, sorry.

-Jackie!

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Oh, my God, I'm a murderer. I've got blood on my hands.

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Like Blair, only without the property portfolio.

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-What are you doing?

-Calling an ambulance.

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-No, wait, they'll put me in jail.

-Rhona, we've got to.

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-Oh, God!

-Look, you shot her through a closed door.

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She didn't even see you. Ambulance, please.

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Great, I'm not just a murderer, I'm a competent murderer(!)

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Yeah, a lady's been shot.

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39 Woodbridge Court, Swindon. Please come quickly.

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Leanne.

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Shit.

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There's a guy out there looking at the flat, Rhons.

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I'm not being funny.

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I think that's him. I think that's the baddie.

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Christ! How are we going to get out of here?

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And what are we going to say happened?

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Oh, my God.

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-I think she's breathing.

-Really?

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I think her tits are moving up and down.

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Right, we need to shoot one another.

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-What?

-Just in the foot or something, as a cover story.

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We'll say that a guy came, shot us all, and then he went.

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Rhons, I think there's an argument

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for saying let's not shoot any more people.

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We've got no choice. Here. Shoot me in the foot.

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-I... Are you...?

-Shoot me in the foot.

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Hmm...!

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-Wait!

-Oh, thank God.

-It needs to be through the door.

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Shoot me in the foot through the door.

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-Don't let go of that towel.

-I'm not.

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-Rhona...?

-Hurry up!

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Hang on.

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Can't we just say we came home and found her like this?

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Yeah.

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-Yeah, that works too. Cool.

-OK.

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HE BREATHES HEAVILY

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GUNSHOT SOUND EFFECT

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SIRENS IN DISTANCE

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He's just sort of hanging around, watching. He's smoking.

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I knew he was the bad guy.

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Ambulance is here.

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SIRENS STOP

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Leanne.

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DOOR CLOSES OUTSIDE

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Now...

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leave this to me.

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Oh, Jesus Christ!

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SHE SOBS

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Lord take vengeance on the bastards that have done this.

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-What's the patient's name?

-Jackie.

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Jackie, love. Can you hear me?

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OK, heart's beating, I've got a pulse.

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SHE SOBS

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We just came in and found her like this.

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I mean, I'm no detective,

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but it was probably just a drifter going from town to town.

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We're coming with you, Jackie.

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Don't worry. Every step of the way.

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Actually, it's probably best if you stay here.

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-Police are on their way.

-Oh, Christ in heavens above!

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All right, fine. You can come.

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Stay with my voice, Jackie. I won't let the angels have you yet.

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What about Charlie Little Pockets?

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Charlie bloody Little Pockets can look after himself.

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SIRENS WAIL

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Follow that fucking ambulance there.

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MUSIC: Why by Annie Lennox

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'Mummy!

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'Pyjama bottoms back on, please.'

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'Mummy!

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'Bottoms on now.

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'Bottoms on. I'm going to count to three.

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'One, two...'

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Three minutes and I want it all cleared away.

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This had better be good. I'm at a bake sale.

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'Is that Detective Wilton?'

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Speaking. Who's this?

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My name's PC Creswell, over at Swindon.

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We've had an incident at an address which the system's telling us

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you've got an operational interest in.

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'39 Woodbridge Court.'

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What sort of incident?

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'A shooting. One IC1 female,'

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-mid-40s, large build, believed to be a neighbour from...

-'OK.'

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There are two residents at the property.

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Two IC1 females accompanied the victim to hospital.

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An officer is being dispatched to intercept them there.

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-OK. Listen carefully.

-Brown Owl...

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Those two women are witnesses in an active investigation.

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Now, this shooting is almost certainly an attempt on their lives.

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Brown Owl, can I go to the toilet?

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Yeah, yeah, go, go.

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Tell the officer to reassure them of their safety,

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bring them into the Swindon station,

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and I'll collect them there myself personally.

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GUNSHOT SOUND EFFECT

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Oh, my God.

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Right, guess how many former Big Brother contestants

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are on the sex offenders register?

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Male and female.

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As soon as we get news about Jackie, we need to get out of here.

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-That guy could've followed us.

-Rhona, we're in a hospital.

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There's no safer place to get shot.

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Ladies.

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Am I right in thinking you'd be the two ladies

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-who came in here with a gunshot victim?

-Yes.

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I am aware of your situation.

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Leanne Stubbs. Rhona Fairburn.

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This must've been tremendously upsetting for you both.

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If you'd like to come down to the car,

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I'll take you down to the station.

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You're completely safe now.

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Yeah, thank you, that's such a relief.

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Before we go though, we would just like to...

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..pray.

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Yes, it's something we picked up living in Dubai,

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and we never really got out of the habit of it, did we, Rhons?

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Five a day, like with fruit and veg.

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They do say it's harder to quit than smoking...

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Islam.

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We'll meet you back here. Don't go anywhere, will you?

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-What do you think?

-We can't trust him.

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He could be the mole. Or he could be working with the mole.

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How did he know our names?

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Maybe he knows DC Wilton.

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Maybe she's the mole? Maybe they're all the mole.

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-He wants us to get in a car with him. Fuck that.

-I'm scared, Rhona.

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Me too.

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Why do they call it a mole?

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Is it after the animal or the freckles that give you cancer?

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We need to get out of here, fast.

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OK. Good session?

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-Yes, thank you.

-I think faith's important, don't you, officer?

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I mean, we can argue about which one's right,

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but at the end of the day, they all boil down to the same thing.

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Bad people who hurt others will pay for it in eternal damnation,

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-don't you think so?

-I certainly hope so, yes.

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Now, if you'd like to follow me to the car.

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DOCTOR WHO PLAYS ON TELEVISION

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So, how am I going to do that?

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SHE PASSES WIND

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Excuse me.

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That's the onions, I'm afraid, Linds.

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You've got your mother to thank for that, Adrian.

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Giving me onions.

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I like them,

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they don't like me.

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-SHE PASSES WIND

-Oh.

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Actually I could just do with popping to Smith's

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to get a chocolate bar

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-because I'm hungry.

-And diabetic.

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And diabetic. Not to mention diabetic.

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I've got a Toffee Crisp in the car. You can have that. My treat.

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Actually, I need to go to the Sock Shop concession, down by Costa,

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to buy a pair of pants.

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I'm not too proud to admit, having survived an assassination attempt,

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that it's not very nice down there.

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I've been fresher.

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There'll be a shower and a change of clothes waiting for you

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down at the station. Let's just get to the car, shall we?

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-Er, actually, there is just one other thing.

-What?

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I need to...

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I mean...

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Run! Sorry!

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God. First murder, now assaulting an officer.

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I'm basically Raoul Moat.

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What?

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-It's him, I'm sure it's him.

-Who?

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Sulky guy.

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The guy I saw hanging around outside our flat.

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Shit.

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Shit!

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Hello. Who are you?

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I'm Dr Purso.

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-Mrs...?

-Harris.

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Hm.

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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

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Mrs Harris,

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I'm the specialist old lady doctor on this ward.

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This is Nurse Goodfaith.

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Nurse, would you check the patient's notes for me?

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What's the CBX count?

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-50.

-Good.

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-CBX count?

-Mm.

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No-one's ever mentioned that before.

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Honestly, this place is run like a bloody zoo.

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Can't wait to get back to Harley Street

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and start making some proper coin.

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Before you go, doctor, I've been having a twinge in my left breast.

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Can you check it for me?

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That's more nurse territory.

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If you'd like to pop your top off,

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Nurse Goodfaith will have a feel for you.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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Wilton. Yeah, hello.

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Yes, I'm just on my way now.

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They've what?

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Absconded?

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OK, let's go.

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Wait.

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He's coming back!

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Hello, I'm the doctor, and she's the nurse.

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VENTILATOR INFLATES AND DEFLATES BEEPING

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Oh.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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Answer it.

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Hello?

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Who's this?

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Rhona, it's DC Wilton at North Meads station.

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Rhona, I know about what's happened.

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I'm so sorry.

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Let me assure you we're doing everything we can

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to find out how this could've happened.

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We know why this happened. We were tipped off.

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I'm sorry?

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Someone called us to say that our location had been revealed

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-by the police.

-By the police?

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-No, no. Hang on.

-'There's a mole in the police.'

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Someone working for the gang. Maybe more than one.

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Maybe even you.

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Suffice it to say we no longer feel safe under your protection.

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-Can we just meet?

-From here on in, we'll be going it alone.

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Rhona?

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"Suffice it to say?"

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"From here on in?"

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-What is going on, Rhona?

-Give me your phone.

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Fuck the police.

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That's what's going on.

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Just Rhona and Leanne?

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Wait, is that the hand you wiped the old lady's tit with?

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I've sanitised.

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Right, let's get out of here.

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Shit.

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Rhona.

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Disguises.

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Yes, but stealing, law, morals.

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Polyester.

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Rhona, this is life or death.

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Needs must.

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No jewellery, no valuables,

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and we post the stuff back to the hospital when we're done.

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Yeah.

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# Yeah

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# Yeah

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# Won't you follow me into the jungle?

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# Ain't no god on my street... #

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-Sorry.

-Sorry.

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There it is.

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Right, we need to think about names, accents and...

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What?

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Leanne, I told you to check.

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Right, we're going to have to put them back.

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Hang on a minute.

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This guy,

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he'll be in overnight, right?

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Eyes shut, lots of machines

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and, between me and you, I had a quick swizz down his chart...

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he ain't coming out.

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I think we've found a bed for the night.

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MUSIC: Get Busy by Sean Paul

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Fuck it.

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Listen, I'm sure I saw 'em, but...

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Fuck.

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-So, what, do you fancy a kebab, then?

-Mm.

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My uncle's been in one time, right, said he saw a rat.

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A rat. And the guy working there picked it up, snapped its neck,

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chucked it in the bin, touching up all the salad...

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BRAKES SCREECH

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Fucking move, you silly old twats.

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And he's touching up the salad and that.

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Now, if there's one thing I'm big on it's hygiene.

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You don't touch rats and then touch up people's doner kebabs,

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do you know what I mean?

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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HE GRUNTS

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MOBILE PHONE: 'Message deleted. Next new message.'

0:20:530:20:56

BEEP

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'Gareth, it's Mum. Where are you? Your tea's going cold.'

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'Message deleted.' BEEP

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'Gareth. Your tea's in the bin. Will you get yourself home?

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'Now, please.'

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'Message deleted.' BEEP

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'Gareth, I'm not being funny. Give me a ring. Or text.

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'It's getting late now.'

0:21:140:21:17

'Message deleted.' BEEP

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'Gaz, love, can you give me a ring, please?

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'You're not in any trouble, just give us a ring.'

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'Message deleted.'

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Shit. There must be a Mrs Ambrose.

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Well, why don't we just go in anyway

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and if she sees us we'll just tell her we're her daughters

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and she's got dementia?

0:21:540:21:55

Oh!

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Yes! I love camping.

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Night, Rhons.

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Night.

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Are you thinking about Jackie?

0:22:310:22:34

Yeah.

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Cos you shot her?

0:22:370:22:38

Yeah.

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Bless.

0:22:410:22:43

You know, if you want to talk about it...

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I'm always here.

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Thanks, Leanne.

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You know, I think...

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even as a child I was always... LEANNE SNORES

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RHONA SIGHS, LEANNE SNORES

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TRAFFIC IN BACKGROUND

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Oh, bums.

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Balls. Why did we have to break into a caravan?

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Right, Gareth Pugh's gone missing.

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You gotta take out these witnesses.

0:23:450:23:49

Finish the fucking job.

0:23:490:23:52

-Oh, my God, it's the wrong key!

-Hurry up!

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GUNSHOT SOUND EFFECT

0:23:550:23:57

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