Episode 2 Witless


Episode 2

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Tony!

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This young man, Ian, is an angel.

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Well, I don't know about that, Mrs Forrest.

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What are you doing?!

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(You're going to get us their address.)

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(There's a mole in the police.)

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'Leave immediately.'

0:00:200:00:22

As soon as we get news about Jackie, we need to get out of here.

0:00:220:00:24

That guy could have followed us.

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Shit!

0:00:260:00:27

Disguises. This guy, he'll be in overnight, right?

0:00:300:00:33

I had a quick swizz down his chart. He ain't coming out.

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I think we've found a bed for the night.

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GUNSHOT FIRES

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METAL RATTLES

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SHE WHIMPERS

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SHE GASPS

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ECHOING: What's happening? Where am I?

0:01:220:01:25

Where do you think you are, Scumbo?

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You shot an innocent woman.

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You are in the back of a prison van on the way to Clinky, Rhona.

0:01:310:01:35

-What? DEMONIC VOICE:

-Rhona!

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-FEMALE VOICE:

-Rhona!

0:01:400:01:42

-Rhona!

-SHE GASPS

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Sorry. Yeah, sorry. I was...

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-Where are we?

-We are in the caravan, remember?

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Yes, right.

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And what it is, is I woke up and this was happening.

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(Shit!)

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-Do you think it could be the gang?

-No.

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No, they'd just kill us instantly,

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not tow us down the middle lane of the motorway at 50mph.

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It could be caravan theft. There's a lot of that around.

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Could be on our way to a traveller's site.

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Maybe that's not a bad hideout.

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Marry 16-year-old boys, clean all day in low-cut tops...

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-No, it's just the caravan owner going on a little jaunt.

-Mm...

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Balls!

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Why did we have to break into a caravan?

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Why don't we just sleep in the park like normal vagrants?

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I think it's a very positive thing, actually.

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How?

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We are getting a free lift away from Swindon and all that danger.

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And we've not had to give a single hand job to a lorry driver.

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Yes, to the first bit but, if she finds us in here,

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then she's going to call the police.

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-So what we do?

-Well, I guess just sit tight, keep our heads down and,

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as soon as she stops, run for it.

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HIP HOP PLAYS

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-ANSWERPHONE:

-Please leave your message after the tone.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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All right?

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-Yeah.

-I want you to get all your crew together,

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everyone you've got selling,

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get down The Badger at 12 for an audience with the boss man, yeah?

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-Right, what's going on now?

-That's midday.

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Not ten past. Not 20 fucking five past.

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Cup of tea...

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Have you heard? Tony Forrest's wife's called in.

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He didn't come home last night.

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Er, yes, I'm probably only his best friend

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out everyone here at the station,

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so who do you think she spoke to?

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Look, they are having difficulty.

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-You happy?

-I think he might be our mole.

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I would advise you to choose your words incredibly carefully, Wilton.

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There's an assassination attempt on our witnesses.

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They get a tip-off about a mole on the same night that Boris opens...

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Shhh...

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Sergeant Forrest and I are very close friends.

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Our dogs get along.

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I've been at his house on several Boxing Days.

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Now, I'm just going to pretend you didn't just say any of that.

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Right, we are on the M4 westbound.

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I think we deserve to go on holly-pops

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after all what we've been through.

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Now, Rhona, I know you like rye bread and organic butter

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but we are camping now, so it's white slice and marge.

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Leanne, can you maybe not do that? We are trying to be discreet here.

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Stand back. I'm going to flip a pancake.

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PAN CLATTERS NOISILY

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The first one is always shit.

0:05:220:05:24

BUZZ OF CHATTER

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How's your bum boy, then?

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DOOR SLAMS, CHATTER STOPS

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Ian's dead.

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Yeah, you fucking heard me right.

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Ian's dead.

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Down in a car park, middle of fucking nowhere.

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Run over like a fucking dog.

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So, first off, we are having a whip round!

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Some of you know Mandy, Ian's fiancee, and his little lad.

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Here you are. 200 fucking quid.

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Get your hands in your pockets, dig deep.

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Now, who's going to tell me what happened?

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What's he doing in a car park in the middle of fucking nowhere?

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Yes, thank you! Speak!

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Er...I was with Ian yesterday.

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I was with this copper, who gives us information.

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Yeah, yeah, I know. Danny boy, likes a wank.

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He gave us the address of those two girls,

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the ones that saw Mogs.

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And... Yeah, when I left him, he had gone to the copper, Ian did.

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So this fucker's done it, then, has he?

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And these witnesses.

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So that's all dealt with, then, is it?

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-Well...

-Fuck me! Come on! What?

0:07:380:07:41

When I got to the flat, I heard a gunshot.

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So?

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-So I hung back.

-Why? You had a gun as well.

0:07:450:07:48

You know, assess the situation.

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Oh, right, assess!

0:07:510:07:52

Well, that's good, isn't it?

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Hey, he was assessing the situation!

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He hadn't just fucking shit himself!

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What then?

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Then an ambulance came

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and they brought the fat bird out on a stretcher.

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Then the two girls came out.

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Obviously, I couldn't do it, really, you know what I mean?

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There's people about. They gave me a name, though.

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Yeah, Charlie Little Pockets.

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Charlie Little Pockets?

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Fuck me! I know that name.

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And what about these fucking girls, then?

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They... They went off in the ambulance.

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Fucking hell!

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I followed them, all the way to the hospital.

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Come here, you.

0:08:300:08:31

Come here!

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Look at me, look at me!

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Ian didn't die so you could assess the fucking situation, did he?

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Leave these fucking girls running around.

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Now, this is fucking serious!

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A man has died, a good man.

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So you...

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gotta take out these witnesses.

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You see that...?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

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Finish the fucking job!

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Mm-mm.

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SHE CLICKS TONGUE

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SHE GASPS

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Leanne...OMG is not a word.

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So that's why it comes up on my predictive text, then, is it?

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We're slowing down.

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We're slowing down!

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That's nine points to me.

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Yes, we are. We're pulling into services.

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Is it a Welcome Break? Cos they're my favourite.

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Right, put that away. Get ready, let's go!

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I think we got away with it.

0:10:340:10:36

Mrs Ambrose is cheating on Mr Ambrose!

0:10:400:10:44

I'm sorry, but that is disgusting, actually.

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Come on.

0:10:460:10:48

I'm glad I cleaned her out of her pancake mix now.

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We're going to have a proper big send-off for Ian, do it right,

0:10:530:10:57

send his kid to Disney World.

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The Florida one, eh - not the fucking Euro bollocks.

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Apart from that, business as usual.

0:11:050:11:08

One part of you is going to be running things.

0:11:080:11:10

Now, is there anything else I need to know

0:11:100:11:12

before I go upstairs and fuck my missus?

0:11:120:11:14

No?

0:11:160:11:17

I killed a grass.

0:11:190:11:21

-What?

-Nothing.

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What did you just say, son?

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It's just, uh, this lad I worked with.

0:11:320:11:35

He knows him.

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He was going to speak to the police.

0:11:410:11:43

So I shot him.

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He's dead.

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Fucking hell.

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And who's told you to do that, then, son?

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Because I certainly fucking didn't.

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I just thought, you know...

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..can't have grasses.

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Stand up.

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Stand up!

0:12:210:12:23

Get your pants down.

0:12:250:12:27

What?

0:12:270:12:28

Get your fucking pants down.

0:12:280:12:31

Underpants. Come on. Let 'em fucking see.

0:12:360:12:39

Come here.

0:12:440:12:46

Now, those...are a pair of fucking bollocks.

0:12:510:12:55

He's got them. You haven't.

0:12:590:13:02

No, no, don't hide them, son. Let them see.

0:13:020:13:04

Clap.

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Give his balls a round of a-fucking-pplause.

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Come on! Clap!

0:13:120:13:15

STILTED APPLAUSE

0:13:150:13:17

Fucking well done, son.

0:13:190:13:21

-Here, what kind of crisps do you like?

-Uh, Quavers.

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Quavers! Give him some Quavers.

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Give him the whole box, you fucking tight bastard!

0:13:280:13:30

Come on.

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Fucking good work, son. Fucking nice one!

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You could learn from him.

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I should have given the fucking address to him.

0:13:390:13:42

Well done, mate.

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You can pull them up now, mate.

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So...what now?

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Could we just live here for a bit?

0:14:040:14:06

-What, in the services?

-Yeah.

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Like Tom Hanks in that film.

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Or that guy that I went out with when I was 17.

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God, he was mature!

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I want to find a phone box, call the hospital,

0:14:150:14:17

-see if there's any news about Jackie.

-Yeah, good idea.

0:14:170:14:20

And then we need a plan,

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figure out how we get ourselves out of this.

0:14:220:14:24

At least we've still got the... MOUTHS: gun.

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SHE PATS POCKET REPEATEDLY

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-BOTH:

-Shit!

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Shit, I can't find the keys! Oh, my God!

0:14:460:14:48

-BOTH:

-# Baby, I got you... #

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-Oh, my God! Is it that one?

-Yes!

-Yes!

0:14:510:14:55

# Ah-ah, ah-ah... #

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Open that coke for me, will you?

0:14:570:14:59

-OK...

-Put it in!

-I can't! Oh, my God, It's the wrong key!

0:15:000:15:03

-Hurry up!

-I'm trying!

0:15:030:15:05

Yes! OK...

0:15:060:15:07

# Before it's done our money's all been spent... #

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They haven't a clue, these two.

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Closer! I believe in you. I believe in you. Just jump.

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-Just jump. You can skip.

-Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait!

0:15:210:15:23

-Come on.

-Oh, God!

0:15:230:15:26

-Oh, my God.

-Shit, shit, shit!

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

0:15:270:15:31

Whoa!

0:15:340:15:35

-Oh!

-Sorry!

0:15:350:15:38

Not to be helped, not to be helped.

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Oh, thank God.

0:15:420:15:43

And we're back on the motorway.

0:15:450:15:47

Right...

0:15:470:15:48

How about another bacon sarnie?

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And since I'll have then cooked twice,

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maybe somebody would like to do the washing up?

0:15:540:15:56

Oh, Leanne!

0:15:590:16:00

So then, mate, you...

0:16:020:16:04

..got rid of the body properly, then, yeah?

0:16:060:16:07

Yeah, of course.

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Top.

0:16:100:16:11

What do you mean, properly?

0:16:130:16:15

Well, it's like the stuff you've got to do afterwards, isn't it?

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Just, like, the basic stuff.

0:16:180:16:20

Yeah...I know.

0:16:200:16:22

Right.

0:16:230:16:24

So...you burnt all the fingers, then?

0:16:260:16:29

You know, the fingerprints?

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You've got to get them off cos that's just standard procedure.

0:16:300:16:33

And then, obviously, you must have bashed the teeth in?

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You know, dental records and that, that's...

0:16:390:16:41

You did do that, didn't you?

0:16:410:16:42

And, obviously, the big one...

0:16:450:16:46

..is you've got to get the spunk out.

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What?

0:16:500:16:52

The spunk. You've got to get the spunk out the bollocks.

0:16:520:16:56

You know, it's just DNA, isn't it?

0:16:570:16:59

Apparently, if you don't get the spunk out within 48 hours, then...

0:17:000:17:03

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

0:17:050:17:08

I can't stop thinking about Jackie.

0:17:150:17:17

God, I hope she's OK.

0:17:180:17:20

Do you want me to read you your horoscope?

0:17:230:17:25

No, that stuff's bollocks.

0:17:250:17:27

I believe Russell Grant is a wise man.

0:17:270:17:29

I believe Russell Grant is a holy man.

0:17:290:17:32

Aquarius.

0:17:340:17:36

Jupiter in your orbit makes this week an ideal time

0:17:360:17:39

for frank exchanges with loved ones and baking. Hmm...

0:17:390:17:44

-Leanne, this isn't even this week's.

-Isn't it?

0:17:470:17:49

-What's the date?

-The 21st.

0:17:490:17:52

Is it? Oh.

0:17:520:17:54

Oh...

0:17:540:17:56

PHONE RINGS

0:17:580:18:01

-Wilton.

-'Hello, Detective Wilton?

0:18:010:18:03

'This is Mrs Pugh, Gareth's mum.'

0:18:030:18:05

Oh, yeah, hello, Mrs Pugh.

0:18:050:18:06

'It's probably nothing, really, but Gareth didn't come home last night.

0:18:060:18:10

'And it's not like him. He'd send me a text at least.

0:18:100:18:13

'He's a good boy. It's probably nothing.

0:18:130:18:16

'He'll probably walk through the front door in ten minutes

0:18:160:18:18

'wanting a Cheestring.'

0:18:180:18:20

No, you absolutely did the right thing in calling, Mrs Pugh.

0:18:200:18:22

Though I'm sure, as you say, it's nothing.

0:18:220:18:25

Leave it with me and I'll see what we can do.

0:18:250:18:27

Right. Gareth Pugh's gone missing.

0:18:310:18:33

Who's that?

0:18:340:18:36

The boy I brought in yesterday.

0:18:360:18:38

The one I wanted surveillance on. His mother's just called in.

0:18:380:18:41

Oh, crawl out of your arse, Wilton!

0:18:410:18:42

You drag the poor boy in the station,

0:18:420:18:44

you put the frighteners on him -

0:18:440:18:45

I'm not surprised he's done a runner.

0:18:450:18:47

This has something to do with the Whelan gang,

0:18:470:18:49

and we need officers out there, searching for him.

0:18:490:18:53

we could be looking for a body here.

0:18:530:18:54

Oh! Bravo, Wilton!

0:18:540:18:57

Hollywood beckons!

0:18:570:18:59

He's been missing, what? Ten hours!

0:18:590:19:01

It's just another missing teenager in Bristol.

0:19:010:19:04

It'll be shit.

0:19:040:19:05

Believe it or not, someone has to pay for all this, you know?

0:19:070:19:11

You know who it is, don't you?

0:19:110:19:12

That much maligned endangered species, the UK taxpayer!

0:19:120:19:16

Hey, Claire.

0:19:270:19:29

While I've got you...

0:19:290:19:30

..how do you feel about Italian food?

0:19:310:19:33

What?

0:19:330:19:35

There's this new place opened up near me.

0:19:350:19:38

I've got a voucher.

0:19:380:19:39

Wondered if you'd might like to try it tonight?

0:19:390:19:42

What? No!

0:19:420:19:44

Oh...

0:19:440:19:46

Did you seriously just ask me out on a date?

0:19:460:19:49

No. No! No, not a date.

0:19:490:19:52

What, then?

0:19:520:19:54

All it is is I'm...spending a bit of time

0:19:540:19:58

approaching everyone in the station,

0:19:580:20:00

just trying to get to know everyone a little bit better,

0:20:000:20:02

that's...that's all it is.

0:20:020:20:04

Well, have you asked anyone else?

0:20:040:20:06

Spanish Inquisition!

0:20:060:20:07

No, not yet, but...but I will be.

0:20:110:20:14

I like Italian food.

0:20:160:20:17

Great.

0:20:230:20:24

Do you want to...come for dinner tonight?

0:20:330:20:37

Yes, please.

0:20:370:20:38

Good.

0:20:410:20:43

Good.

0:20:440:20:45

You all right in there? Nice.

0:20:470:20:49

We've stopped.

0:20:580:21:00

Come on, Edie. I can't wait for the campsite.

0:21:210:21:24

I've been stiff as an 'orse since Yarcombe.

0:21:240:21:27

Come on.

0:21:270:21:29

Shut them curtains, Clement.

0:21:290:21:30

Then come and give me a hand with these buttons.

0:21:320:21:35

And when you're done, I've got another button

0:21:350:21:37

you can give me a hand with.

0:21:370:21:39

You mean your tuppence?

0:21:400:21:42

Your wish is my command, madam.

0:21:420:21:44

I am your faithful steed.

0:21:440:21:47

Hurry up and get those cords off!

0:21:470:21:50

I want you inside me.

0:21:500:21:52

OK. Hello! THEY SCREAM

0:21:520:21:54

I just thought I would stop that, for all our sakes, and say...

0:21:540:21:57

hello. Sorry. We're in your caravan.

0:21:570:22:00

-Who the hell are you?!

-Please! We're old-age pensioners.

0:22:000:22:04

-I'm calling the police, Edie.

-No! Wait! Wait, wait. Don't.

0:22:040:22:08

Leanne, who are we, and what do we want?

0:22:080:22:10

Well...

0:22:110:22:13

..you're Mrs Ambrose, I presume?

0:22:140:22:17

Yes.

0:22:170:22:18

You don't have to answer their questions, Edie!

0:22:180:22:21

Wife of Mr Ambrose?

0:22:210:22:24

Currently in an induced coma at Swindon General?

0:22:250:22:30

We're his staff nurses.

0:22:310:22:32

Yes!

0:22:330:22:34

And we've grown rather fond of Mr Ambrose.

0:22:360:22:40

We call him Grandpops.

0:22:400:22:42

We suspected something was going on.

0:22:420:22:45

Visits dropping off.

0:22:460:22:47

SHE TUTS

0:22:470:22:49

And when you did come, hmm...

0:22:490:22:52

you stopped wearing your perfume.

0:22:520:22:54

A woman knows.

0:22:540:22:56

-I've been weak.

-Yes.

0:22:590:23:02

We both have.

0:23:020:23:04

Jack was...IS a dear friend of mine.

0:23:040:23:06

Christ, we served together!

0:23:070:23:09

In Little Chef.

0:23:110:23:13

Please, don't tell Jack.

0:23:140:23:18

It'd kill him.

0:23:180:23:19

In combination with the blood clot on his brain.

0:23:200:23:23

Oh, look, we understand. We are not monsters.

0:23:230:23:27

Your generation, you lived through the war.

0:23:270:23:30

You had rationing. You ate powdered egg.

0:23:300:23:33

Can anyone really blame you if you want to spend

0:23:330:23:35

the autumn years of your life bumping and grinding

0:23:350:23:37

your way around Devon?

0:23:370:23:39

All right.

0:23:390:23:41

Maybe we don't have to tell him.

0:23:410:23:42

Maybe we could come to some sort of arrangement.

0:23:430:23:46

Such as?

0:23:460:23:48

Call it 40 quid each and a lift back to Taunton.

0:23:480:23:50

Conservative estimates say

0:23:540:23:57

there could be as many as 40 billion earthlike planets out there.

0:23:570:24:00

And now they're all coming out and saying,

0:24:000:24:02

"Oh, you know, I believe there is life."

0:24:020:24:04

Scientists.

0:24:040:24:05

Brian May.

0:24:070:24:08

Mm! Mm-mm-mm!

0:24:100:24:13

Taste that.

0:24:160:24:18

Fennel.

0:24:190:24:21

No, I'm good, thanks.

0:24:230:24:24

Right, if aliens had never been here, John,

0:24:240:24:26

explain to me the pyramids.

0:24:260:24:28

Now, I've been to Egypt - Sharm El Sheikh -

0:24:290:24:32

and I've met the Egyptians.

0:24:320:24:33

John, they haven't got it in them.

0:24:330:24:37

I will have...

0:24:370:24:39

I will have, I will have...

0:24:410:24:44

I will have the...cheesecake!

0:24:440:24:47

Just the bill.

0:24:490:24:51

Two spoons.

0:24:510:24:52

I'll tell you this for nothing.

0:24:570:24:58

When they come back - and it is a "when", not an "if" -

0:24:580:25:00

I will go straight upstairs and I will top myself...

0:25:000:25:03

..even if they do come in so-called peace.

0:25:050:25:07

It's not just the prospect of warfare with a superior species.

0:25:180:25:20

John, it's germs.

0:25:200:25:22

They will be carrying diseases which our immune systems,

0:25:220:25:24

through no fault of their own, can't cope with.

0:25:240:25:27

Uh, hello, yes.

0:25:300:25:32

I hope I'm through to the right department now.

0:25:320:25:34

I'm calling about my...auntie, Jackie.

0:25:340:25:39

She was brought in as an emergency patient yesterday.

0:25:390:25:41

Yes, that's her.

0:25:440:25:45

Really?

0:25:470:25:49

Oh, my God.

0:25:500:25:52

Jesus Christ! Thank you!

0:25:530:25:55

She's even sitting up in bed now, talking.

0:25:550:25:57

Why can't I have a fucking fag if I want one?!

0:25:570:26:00

It's a free fucking country, innit?

0:26:000:26:02

That's wonderful. Thank you. Thank you so much!

0:26:020:26:04

I'm not a murderer.

0:26:060:26:07

I'm not a murderer!

0:26:080:26:10

Sorry. Have a good night.

0:26:100:26:12

Jackie's OK. The operation was a success.

0:26:120:26:14

She's sat up in bed, and smoking,

0:26:140:26:16

and calling them twats and everything!

0:26:160:26:18

THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

0:26:180:26:20

-Oh, that's great!

-I'm not a murderer.

0:26:200:26:22

Oh, I'm so proud of you, Rhones!

0:26:220:26:24

Come on, what did you get me? Give me the good shit.

0:26:260:26:30

Pesto and halloumi wrap - is that mine?

0:26:300:26:31

-Hang on. Let me...

-What was that?

-It's nothing.

0:26:310:26:34

-Is that a Mint Aero?

-No.

0:26:340:26:35

Are you trying to keep a Mint Aero to yourself?

0:26:350:26:38

No.

0:26:380:26:39

Oh, fuck.

0:26:440:26:46

I want to ask you a few questions. About those two girls.

0:26:500:26:53

I do know something.

0:26:530:26:55

This is, like, c...confidential, right?

0:26:550:26:58

-Put the gun down.

-Leanne, shut up.

0:26:580:27:00

Gav didn't come home on Saturday night.

0:27:000:27:02

He hasn't been seen since. Do you know anything about that?

0:27:020:27:05

There's...something else.

0:27:060:27:08

Leanne...tell him.

0:27:080:27:10

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