Episode 3 Witless

This programme contains strong language

Guess what happened with me and Patrick last night.

-He collects and restores teddies.

-And pals about with blokes that shoot people.

I wondered if you would look after Charlie Littlepockets for me?

-That would be an honour.

-We need to find out what's inside back there, Leanne.

-I'm opening it up.

-Well, what is it?

-It's a gun.

This programme contains adult humour

So, then, got rid of the body properly, then, yeah?

-Yeah.

-You've got to get to the spunk out of the bollocks.

-What?

You have got to take out these witnesses. Finish the fucking job.

Put these on me tab, yeah?

No tabs. You need to pay for that.

This is what your daddy should have done.

-What was that?

-It's nothing.

Oh, fuck.

BELL RINGS

Patrick.

-All right, mate?

-Willy.

Great to see you.

It's been a while. Was you just in the area, or...?

Oh, I'm stressed out here, mate.

Just trying to stay calm.

-I'm sorry to hear that.

-I need a favour.

A big favour.

Erm...

Well, I mean...

-If...

-I knew I could count on you, mate.

I just need you to look after something for me.

One-Pack'll drop it round,

just throw it in the fucking drawer and forget about it.

Fuck me. What's all this, mate?

Oh, that's just a sideline...thing.

Do you make these?

I restore... Well...

Yeah.

Yeah... Each bear gets a little certificate, yeah?

That's fucking quality, that, mate.

-Yeah?

-I tell you what, my wife, she'd go fucking nuts for that.

I tell you.

Oh, yeah. Hang on.

I tell you what.

-Serious?

-Yeah.

-Little present.

-Oh, mate.

She'll fucking... Come here. Come here.

Ah!

Hey!

Argh!

Hey, top bloke.

Don't you forget, mate. Door's always open.

DOORBELL RINGS

SHE SCREAMS

Morning.

Do you think I got enough on it?

I mean, some went on my hand, and I had to sort of drip it on.

I mean, a lot went on. It was a big one.

I mean, you don't drink that much Tizer and not do a big one.

Oh, Rhones, nothing's happening.

Does that mean I'm not... It does, doesn't it?

It means I...

Oh, my...God.

A line.

-That means I'm pregnant.

-Oh, my God.

Hey, my horoscope said,

a new person or job opportunity would come into my life.

And a baby is sort of like a person.

-And being a full-time mum is a job.

-Oh, my God.

Russell Grant, if you can hear me now, and I believe you can,

thank you for this blessing.

-Oh, my God, this is a disaster.

-No, this is fate.

Leanne, we need to talk about your options.

Names. Breast-feed or bottle.

No, I mean the two options you have right now.

What, boy or girl? Yes.

If I want a girl, I need to start eating garlic or oily fish now.

Hello, you're through to Childline.

Yeah, hi, this is, like, confidential, right?

Yes, that's right, lovie.

-Even if I've done something illegal?

-Even if you have broken the law.

Right. Because what it is is...

I shot this guy.

What?

I shot this guy.

Jesus Christ, I thought you were going to say you'd nicked some cans.

Sorry.

-Go on, lovie.

-I just don't really know what to do now.

And I'm a bit stressed out because the spunk's still in the balls.

-The what?

-The spunk is still in his balls.

It's got DNA in it.

Well, I mean... I think that's the least of your worries, lovie.

You don't have to worry about...

about the spunk in the balls.

That's not a thing.

Really? Fuck. Thanks, Benny.

You just made me look like a twat in front of Childline.

I think you should go to the authorities.

It sounds like you're a very disturbed young man.

What? Fuck's sake.

I could have gone to my mum for that.

Is there anything else you want to talk about?

No.

Wait.

Yeah.

Is it gay to get stiffies in the night?

Oh, my God. I think I can feel him kicking.

-Is that possible?

-No.

-No, it isn't.

-Must be gas.

The Tizer. Oh, baby's first Tizer.

Right, so what do we do now?

Well, first of all, I've got to talk to Patrick.

-What?

-Rhona, he's the father.

Yes, but in the cons column,

he could get you, and now your unborn child, killed.

Rhona, yeah, he may have some shady friends,

but he's not going to hurt the mother of his child.

Now, maybe he'll slam the door in my face, but he's the father.

I'm going to talk to him.

Well, you'll be going on your own.

Fine.

I'm serious.

I know you are.

I won't be there to back you up if anything goes wrong.

Rhona, believe it or not,

I made it 26 years of my life without your help.

Pull, Leanne.

GUNSHOT

You heard, then?

I can't believe it.

She was such a good woman, you know?

Sharp wit,

damn fine cheesecakes.

You think they got to Forrest?

That he's mixed up in all this shit?

I think we have to entertain that idea, yeah,

given that his wife was shot on her own doorstep.

Fuck!

You know, I've never told anyone this.

I grew this moustache because of that man.

Fuck.

Right.

-You are OK there?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

Shall I just check if the milk is pasteurised?

-Erm...

-No, I'll just check.

Hello, is it pasteurised?

Sorry, mate. Hi, the milk, is it pasteurised?

Leanne. Leanne, wait.

Of course you need to talk to Patrick about this.

I'm sorry.

Sorry I called you a cold-hearted bitch.

-When did you say that?

-Maybe I just thought it.

Point is, it's water under a bridge.

Come on, let's go catch the train.

Come on.

MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS

Adrian?

Adrian?!

Adrian, my name's DC Wilton, I'm a police officer.

I wanted to talk to you about Gareth Pugh.

Gareth who?

Oh. Yeah.

-That guy.

-I was told you two are friends.

Oh, no, we was more friends in year eight, to be honest.

-Right.

-The teachers and Gareth's mum said that you two are pretty tight.

I know him to say hello to.

Why? What's he done?

Gareth didn't come home on Saturday night.

He hasn't been seen since. Do you know anything about that?

Well, when did you last see Gareth?

Well, I don't want you to worry, Adrian.

We're going to be looking for Gareth,

and we're very good at finding people, whatever's happened to them.

If you do remember something,

it doesn't matter how small it might seem,

you need to let us know, OK?

-Yeah.

-OK?

Yes!

Hey, Dens, he's come home.

We'll have the whipper-in round.

-Mystique?

-Hi, Patrick.

Sorry to bother you. I know I only saw you, God, day before yesterday?

So much has happened. Sorry I look a bit weird,

-I slept on the street last night.

-Is everything all right?

Whoa.

Uh. What the...?

Inside, bucko.

-Right, look, I can explain.

-Rhona.

Please just put the gun down.

-We didn't discuss this.

-We know you're in a gang.

-Yes, OK.

-Rhona.

-I mean, no, I used to be.

Put the gun down.

-Leanne, shut up.

-For God's sake, please, no more bloodshed.

-What?

-She's got previous.

-Oh, God.

Is it money you're after? Cos I can get you money.

The gang, what's your involvement?

I was... I was a teenager.

Oh, God, I'm not in it any more, I swear.

Right, so you got this from Argos, did you?

-I was made to hide it.

-Just listen to him.

These bears - what's that about? Stashing coke or something?

-What?

-Right, you're being ridiculous now.

Coke? No, if you put a gram of coke one of those bears,

it would actually devalue it.

And why didn't you call my friend back?

-I'm... I'm sorry.

-It's all right, Patrick.

Would it have killed you to text her?

Look, I had an essay to finish.

Could have text me that, though.

Look, honestly, I have nothing to do with a gang, I swear.

-I'm a student...

-Have you got an NUS card for this academic year?

Erm...

Can I raise a practical question at this juncture?

May I go to the loo?

-No.

-Rhona.

I have IBS. When I get stressed, erm...

Patrick needs a poo, Rhona.

Yes. Patrick needs a poo.

Sorry. Sorry, I didn't know she was going to do this.

This is very much her thing.

-I'll look away.

-Don't look away. You don't know what he might do.

I think I know what he's going to do.

There's actually something I need to tell you, Patrick.

I hadn't imagined I was going to do it like this, but...

Wait, I want to know why he had this gun.

Someone from my past came round and asked me to look after it.

-And if you know this...

-WATER SPLASHES

..person, then, you can't say no.

So why did you give it to Mystique? That's not very nice, is it?

The police came round and I had to hide it.

I'm sorry, I really am, it's just... I didn't...

WATER SPLASHES

..think anyone would make a connection between us.

Oh, nice and quick.

-That's a credit to your diet, Patrick.

-Thank you.

Look, you were the first person

I thought of that didn't have any involvement in any of this.

Quick word?

PATRICK COUGHS

Do you think he's telling the truth?

Yes, I think he's telling the truth.

But I also need to tell him about...

SHE HUMS

All right.

All right, let's tell him who we really are.

Really?

Hey, look who it is.

Hey, matey boy, you dropped something.

Why are you looking at my penis?

Oh, Sanjeev, he's looking at my penis.

-Oh, fuck off.

-Do you know, I spanked this boy.

Yes, I spanked him, and now no trouble.

We're friends now. He's a good customer.

Hey.

See, he shitted his pants. He shitted his pants pants.

OK, Patrick.

Our real names are not Sarah Pen or Mystique.

Believe it or not.

They are Rhona and Leanne.

-OK.

-It's not that we've been lying to you, yeah.

We were given those identities by the police

when we went into witness protection.

Well, the police gave us the start point.

We really built the characters ourselves.

-Right.

-We were placed into witness protection

because we saw a shooting on Parson's Lane in Bristol.

Oh, shit.

And the gang, the same gang I assume you used to be involved with,

have found our location. They've got contacts in the police.

They sent a guy to kill us night before last.

OK, you... You guys have got to leave right now.

We've... We've never met, I promise you, my lips are sealed.

No, we need your help, Patrick.

No, no, no, you don't understand, these guys work for Willy Whelan.

-Who's Willy Whelan?

-He's like Mr Big in the East Bristol...

Google him. He's been busy. Look, I wish I could help you guys.

I really do. I've got... I've got 30 quid in my pocket.

Wait, Patrick, there's something else.

Leanne? Tell him.

I'm pregnant.

We're having a baby.

I had so much to drink last night, right?

Hey. I count them crisps, man.

You know what happens.

Are you OK?

Yeah. Yeah, sorry...

I don't know what happened there. Just the shock.

I don't mean to be rude, but you're definitely sure?

Yes.

I did this.

A line means pregnant.

And I could have bought the own-brand one, but I didn't.

OK.

OK, you're pregnant.

We're going to have a baby.

We're going to have a baby.

You will be a mum and I'll be a dad.

Yes, I mean, this is in the context of gangsters wanting to slay us.

Right, yeah, of course, yeah.

Well, firstly, I'll help you, of course.

I'll help you.

Yes! Good, yes, thank you.

We'll get some money together.

We'll go abroad.

Off the top of my head, I'm thinking Kavos.

We'll get jobs working in the clubs, selling shots.

No, no.

Patrick, people have different opinions about parenthood.

And every one is valid.

But I always imagined my child

wouldn't live on the run from gangsters.

Exactly. We want to go home, Patrick.

Have you been listening to a word I've said?

You can never go home.

I've got a plan.

We've got the murder weapon.

You know the murderer.

We plant it in his house and call Crimestoppers.

-Yeah.

-No, no, no, no.

-That guy you saw, he's no-one.

-But if he gets convicted...

If he gets convicted, it won't go away. Don't you get it?

-But the police said...

-The police don't know shit.

But what about Willy what's-his-name?

If we put the gun on him,

and he went to prison for murder and that,

could we go home then?

Well, if... If he didn't know it was you, yeah, maybe,

if he went down for long enough.

But you'd never get to do it, this guy...

You know him?

Yes, well... Sort of.

Well, there you are. We'll do that, then.

-What's going on?

-We've had a call about that lad.

-The one you told me about.

-Gareth Pugh? What's happened?

His mum's had a text from him.

You know, Wilton, this morning, morale here was in the toilet.

But this? This is what we signed up to do.

Christ, I love police work.

All right, lads, this is it. Asian sex gang!

SIRENS BLARE

Let's fucking do this.

What are you...? Somebody help me.

Contact my solicitor. AJ? AJ, call my solicitor.

Good work, boys. Lots of passion, lots of energy, lots of hustle.

And not any loss of accuracy.

-Stellar policing.

-Get me out of here. No.

Get me out of here!

If you're on the rob, you can fuck off.

The only thing I've got to my name in here is a bag of piss.

I just want to ask you a few questions.

There you are.

It's about those two girls.

-What?

-You know it was them shot you, don't you?

It was meant for me.

And I don't know who they told you they were and what they were doing

there, but they are running from a drug debt.

Yeah? And you know, you can call me old-fashioned,

but if you owe money to someone, you give them it back.

That's common courtesy, isn't it?

Oh, listen, love. You can leave off that shit.

The police have already told me they were in witness protection.

And I'm guessing you're one of the lads who's after them.

I don't really give a shit, to be honest with you.

But if you're looking for them...

..I do know something.

Yeah?

One of them, Mystique, has got a boyfriend.

Shagging a local lad.

He doesn't go by the name of Charlie Littlepockets, does he?

Might do. Might not.

But I can give you his real name.

-Oh, go on, then.

-What are you offering?

You're a cheeky bitch, you are, aren't you?

I'll tell you what, I'm offering that.

So give me his name,

or I'll give you another fucking bullet to match that one.

You won't get his name, then, will you, love?

Why don't you go and tell whoever the fuck you work for

that I'll give you the name for a grand?

Excuse me, visiting time is over.

It's all right, love, it's just my nephew.

He'll change my bedpan, so you don't have to do.

It's a good job we're family, isn't it?

It's a fucking dog's breakfast down there.

HEAVY OBJECT BEING MOVED

Hey, it's me. There you go.

Got some toothbrushes, shampoo and deodorant.

I wasn't sure what you liked.

-Leanne, you OK?

-Oh, yeah, thank you, Patrick.

-I'm just resting, which is vital.

-Good, good.

Do you feel sick?

Erm...

-No.

-Good, good.

If you do, just... go for your life.

It lands where it lands - don't worry about it.

Oh, you're so sweet, Patrick.

And there are some towels and stuff in the cupboard.

Just help yourselves, and I'll see you...

in the morning.

Honestly, what part of odourless antiperspirant

does he not understand?

I mean, why would I want to smell like a teenage boy?

Do I look like a woman who wants to smell like a teenage boy?

Oh, God.

Oh, Leanne.

Leanne?

Mm.

Nothing.

It's risky, but you could have something there.

Police are appealing for anyone

with information on Gareth's whereabouts...

Patrick has been so amazing, you know.

Leanne, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

Got you, you bastard.