Episode 1 Witless

This programme contains some strong language.

We were placed into witness protection

because we saw a shooting.

-Oh, shit.

-The gang, the same gang I assume you used to be involved with,

-have found our location.

-I'm pregnant. We're having a baby.

Well, firstly I'll... I'll help you. Of course I'll... I'll help you.

Help my baby.

-Leanne, it's not the baby.

-How do you know?

-There is no baby.

-Hang on, since when have you known this?

The night before last.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you go and tell whoever the fuck you work for

that I'll give you the name for a grand?

Nah, the people I work for, they don't really do deals.

I could have a way we could plant the gun on Whelan.

My friend's funeral's on Thursday and the wake is at Whelan's.

I'll create a distraction for you to hide the gun.

Darling, with Sandra, it is never over.

PEOPLE GASP

-People are looking.

-Yeah, I don't care. The baby.

I'm not pregnant, I never was.

Charlie Littlepockets is Patrick. Get the knuckles and the Glock.

I was just about to get off, actually.

Oh, no, no, no. You've been drinking, I'll give you a lift.

No, no, no, no, no.

Patrick!

SIREN WAILS

Oh, fuck.

Police! Put your hands where I can see them.

You're under arrest, several offences.

You don't have to say anything but anything you do say will be

written down in a little book and read out...in court.

SIREN WAILS

There you are - that... That's the lads now.

Hands on your head, face down on the bed.

Face down on the bed!

I'm going to search you now.

Search coming any second now.

Shit.

What the fuck?

It's all gone wrong, he's taken Patrick.

Oh, shit.

LOCKS CLICK

Charlie Littlepockets, Patrick.

It's you.

What?

Don't fuck about, son.

I know.

You've been helping them witnesses.

You're working for someone else, trying to make a name for yourself.

I'm surprised at you, son,

because you're not stupid, and you know what fucking happens.

Willy, honestly, I don't know what you're...

Charlie Littlepockets? That's one of my bears.

PHONE VIBRATES

-Yeah?

-Right, I just found that bird Patrick brought with him

in the play room.

Put a gun on me, claimed she were a copper then done a runner.

Clear it out.

-One Pack has just found your bird sniffing round my flat.

-What?!

She...

She said she was getting the bus.

Don't fuck me about, Patrick! What's going on?

Willy, honestly, I don't... She...

I've been seeing her a couple of weeks, she found me on Instagram,

she's a nursery nurse, she plays the clarinet

and she's my girlfriend, Willy.

I've seen her fanny.

HE GASPS

You two are in so much trouble. Start talking now.

I'm sorry, we're sorry, but there's guns,

he's got guns in the wardrobe and he's got fucking knives,

he's got crossbows...

Whoa, slow down. Who has?

-Willy Whelan.

-What the hell do you know about Willy Whelan?

Look, we had a plan. By the way,

90% sure this is the murder weapon.

Jesus Christ.

Explain.

Well, we were going to plant in it in his bedroom

but in the wardrobe there's this secret room

-and it's just full of weapons, just guns, lots of guns.

-Oh...

That's it, well done.

Who packed that fucker? Look at it.

Oh, no, not now. Fuck off, no.

The Five-0 are after me.

-What are they? What are they, rappers, what?

-The police.

Police? Well, don't come in here, then, you twat.

I didn't know where to...

Oh, for fuck's sake.

HE SOBS

Right, just wait there, wait there. Fuck's sake. My life.

Here you are, take that, all right?

I'll call you on it later, go.

Well, go, go, go, you twat, go!

Right, that's it, well done. Give us that one, I'll have that one,

that's mine.

All units, this is Romeo Oscar 2-0. I need immediate armed backup

-at location, the Badger public house. Over.

-What's going on?

Whelan's got a stockpile of weapons in there,

-secret room in his back bedroom.

-Cool.

Well, presumably we've got time for a Costa from the garage?

It's literally two minutes that way.

So what about Charlie Littlepockets?

It's one of the bears, you saw it.

I-I-I gave it to her as a present.

You've been played, son.

We both have.

What do you mean?

Your girlfriend is one of the fucking witnesses.

-What?

-Yeah, she's used you to get to me, I'll say this for her,

some fucking bollocks on her.

So you're saying she's responsible?

Sorry, son.

Oh, shit.

Very devious creatures, women.

They'll suss out your weaknesses,

so she's realised that you're a big-hearted lad and you love twat.

HE SOBS

Now, don't be too hard on yourself, son, happens to the best of us.

Come on, now. Come on, now.

You're a good guy, Patrick. You're a good guy, you're loyal,

smart, and brains, not just a pair of fists.

I always got work for someone like that, right? Don't you forget.

Right, come on, let's fucking get a Mr Whippy.

Police! Stand back!

Armed police!

Clear!

Shit.

Urgh.

Hello, officers.

I see you've found my little play den, then?

Guilty as charged.

It's where I bring my girls, see?

Mistresses, sex professionals,

I won't have 'em on that marital bed,

won't have them on there out of respect for my wife.

Do you partake, Officer?

All right, son? What's up?

Right, well, um, the good news is,

they know who Charlie Littlepockets is.

Yeah, yeah, we know, Patrick. It's all come out in the wash.

Turns out it were bollocks.

-Right.

-Hang on, hang on, hang on.

That's the good news? Where's the cash?

Don't be saying you've come here without the cash.

Well, they jumped me, One Pack, they jumped me.

They smacked me in the back of the head with a weapon...

-..and left a big gaping hole in my head.

-Let me see.

Look.

-Agh.

-Get the money sorted fast.

Believe me, son, I'm doing you a favour here, yeah?

Don't be showing your face around here without a fucking grand.

Now piss off.

Where are you, you little prick?

Right, where?

Hey, no, I'm in the field.

Right, which way?

Right...

This way?

This ain't hide-and-fucking-seek.

Where are you?

Over here.

Oh, boy.

Come here.

Where are we going?

-We sorted you out some board and lodgings.

-What do you mean?

You're going on your holidays, Quavers.

Come on.

Can I change out of my PE kit?

Can you bollocks, son.

Right, Quavers, we're here.

This him, is it?

This is your new lodger.

He'll have to work, mind.

He'll have to work.

Good luck, Quavers.

So...

What is this?

Like a farm or...

..scrap yard or something?

Yeah.

This is me family.

That's me daughter Brigid, that's me son Gurvin.

You'll be sleeping in with Gurvin.

There's no talking after lights out

or the Virgin Mary will come out of the cupboard and whip your legs.

You all right?

HE SNORTS

Oh, no.

Right, here's how it's going to be. You're back in wit pro

and this time you will be cooperating fully.

But I'd just like to point out that the reason

we felt compelled to come up with this plan...

It was her idea, by the way.

The reason why we felt forced to do this was

because we were let down by the police in the first place...

Listen, love, you two are looking at a long list of charges -

conspiracy to pervert the course of justice,

possession of a firearm,

-assaulting a police officer.

-Also her.

And I'm pretty sure you shot your neighbour through the bathroom door.

-Her again, pattern developing.

-Leanne.

Now, I'm prepared to overlook these indiscretions

provided you now fully cooperate with my investigation.

You'll have to be given new identities.

I can now tell you a date has been set for trial -

it's the 23rd of this month.

So can I assume you can be trusted to stay out of trouble until then?

You'll give evidence by video link, you will go home

and we will never see one another again, is that clear?

Yes.

Sorry? I can't hear you.

-Yes!

-Good.

DC Wilton, I'd like to request that Rhona

and I live separately from now on.

For God's sake, Leanne, don't be such a drama queen.

That's what I'd like, please.

We're not messing about here, Leanne.

-If we go our separate ways, that will be it.

-I know.

You won't be able to just text me if there's a spider in the bath.

-I know!

-Well, given all that's happened, yes,

I think that would be for the best.

# I won't play these old games

# Taking risks for gold chains

# Trying to make my own fame

# Struggling in the city

# Making love just ain't fun

# When your heart's left undone

# Makes for such a sad song

# Struggling in the city

# Oh-oh, oh-oh

# Oh-oh..#

Oh, my... Oh, my... Oh, my God!

I know this is highly unusual, but I just wondered

if there was an any chance of an extension?

Oh, Patrick, where does it all end?

-I know, I do understand but...

-There are no extensions.

# ..I won't play these old games

# Taking risks for gold chains

# Trying to make my own fame

# Struggling in the city... #

Dear Patrick.

My name is Rosemary. I'm the editor of Vintage Bear Enthusiast.

I wondered if you'd be interested in talking to us about your work.

Come on, come on.

BIRDS CHEEP

HE GASPS

FABRIC RIPS

-Agh!

-CRUNCH!

ENGINE FAILS TO START

Not today! Not today!

Shit! Shit!

Fucking shit.

Out of my way.

-I'm so sorry, I'm not late.

-Over an hour late, Patrick.

-I know, I know.

-We have deadlines for a reason, Patrick.

-I'm afraid that's an automatic fail.

-What?!

No, no, no, no. Wait, listen. I've had a really difficult week.

I have an 82-year-old mother with a detached retina, Patrick.

-You can teach me nothing of difficult weeks.

-OK, sure, but...

I suggest that next time you spend a little less

time in the pub and a little more time in the library.

Oh, fuck off, you twat!

What the fuck would you know about my life?

Julie?

SHE GASPS

-Julie!

-I'm sorry, that was too far...

-No, he's assaulted me!

-What?

-Security!

-Sorry, I just wanted to get my...

Oo-ooh.

I've soiled, Julie.

Julie, I've soiled.

Is that what you do?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...

You've made a 58-year-old woman soil! Are you happy?

What? What are you doing? Get off me.

Get out!

Consider yourself dis-enrolled.

I'm sorry, I just wanted to get my essay in! Just...

SHE SOBS

Fucking have that.

Fucking hell.

Welcome home, son.

Here you are, boys.

He's come home.

Give him a fucking whisky!

Oh, he's alive!

Ohh...

Dear Rosemary. Thanks for your e-mail. I'm very flattered.

However, due to a change in personal circumstances

I'm no longer pursuing bear restoration.

Dear Patrick. No problem.

Sorry to hear you've stopped your bear work.

You are clearly a very talented, sensitive, good-hearted young man.

Goodbye and good luck.

Love, Lea...

Love, Rosemary.

All rise.

-DISTORTED:

-My friend and I were walking home...

But she wanted to go to the shop so...

-DISTORTED:

-We took a detour through the car park on Parson's Lane...

And that's when we saw him, the gunman.

-DISTORTED:

-He pulled up on a scrambler bike and...

Shot the guy in the ice-cream van.

And can you identify the gunman from the photographs in front of you?

Yes, he's, um, picture number two.

For the benefit of the court,

the witness has identified picture two, the defendant,

as the gunman.

Witness B, can you hear me?

DISTORTED: Yes, yes, I can hear you.

SILLY VOICE: Do I need to do a different voice?

No, no, there's no need for that.

OK. Or I could do ze accent for reasons of security, oui?

Please, witness B, your own accent will be quite sufficient, thank you.

Patrick.

I'm sorry.

Leanne didn't know anything, it was all my fault.

We really did think she was pregnant at first

but then I realised she wasn't and I made her keep it up.

She didn't want to, honestly.

-We need to go.

-Patrick!

Come on, we really need to go, come on.

Hi.

Hello, Rhona.

Thank you.

So...

Have a seat.

Do you want a cup of tea? A coffee? An Options?

I'm pleased to tell you

-that the trial resulted in a successful conviction.

-Yes!

The suspect received a substantial custodial sentence

and we have therefore been able to review your security status...

..and I can confirm...

Yes?

-..that you still qualify for witness protection.

-What?!

What?!

Well, this is absolutely scandalous.

-You said the trial would be the end of this.

-I didn't figure on you

breaking into the gang-leader's house

and poking around his weapons stash.

So...what does this mean?

It means you'll need to continue living in witness protection

until we're confident that you're no longer at risk.

Oh, bums.

Never rains but it pours.

Right, fuck it, I don't care, I'm going home.

I want to go and hug my mum

and argue with my dad about immigration.

You'd be putting your family in grave danger.

Look, the situation will continually be under review.

Every six months.

OK, well, thanks for letting me know.

Have you, um, told Rhona about this?

Yeah.

How'd she take it?

SHE WAILS

Oh, you know? Similar to you.

WAILING CONTINUES

Oh.

Good luck, Leanne.

Yeah.

-Have you seen it?

-Mm?

-And that is every branch in the south-west.

-Oh, my God.

Fucking stop now, you've gotta pull him forward

so I can get my fucking arms out. Snap it back.

BONES CRUNCH, MAN GROANS

You dirty little bastard!

SHE SCREAMS

GUNSHOT