Episode 1 Witless


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Episode 1

Comedy series. Could things get any worse for Leanne and Rhona? Their gung-ho attempt to frame nemesis Willy Whelan backfires.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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We were placed into witness protection

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because we saw a shooting.

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-Oh, shit.

-The gang, the same gang I assume you used to be involved with,

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-have found our location.

-I'm pregnant. We're having a baby.

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Well, firstly I'll... I'll help you. Of course I'll... I'll help you.

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Help my baby.

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-Leanne, it's not the baby.

-How do you know?

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-There is no baby.

-Hang on, since when have you known this?

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The night before last.

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I'm sorry.

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Why don't you go and tell whoever the fuck you work for

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that I'll give you the name for a grand?

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Nah, the people I work for, they don't really do deals.

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I could have a way we could plant the gun on Whelan.

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My friend's funeral's on Thursday and the wake is at Whelan's.

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I'll create a distraction for you to hide the gun.

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Darling, with Sandra, it is never over.

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PEOPLE GASP

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-People are looking.

-Yeah, I don't care. The baby.

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I'm not pregnant, I never was.

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Charlie Littlepockets is Patrick. Get the knuckles and the Glock.

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I was just about to get off, actually.

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Oh, no, no, no. You've been drinking, I'll give you a lift.

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No, no, no, no, no.

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Patrick!

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SIREN WAILS

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Oh, fuck.

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Police! Put your hands where I can see them.

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You're under arrest, several offences.

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You don't have to say anything but anything you do say will be

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written down in a little book and read out...in court.

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SIREN WAILS

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There you are - that... That's the lads now.

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Hands on your head, face down on the bed.

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Face down on the bed!

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I'm going to search you now.

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Search coming any second now.

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Shit.

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What the fuck?

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It's all gone wrong, he's taken Patrick.

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Oh, shit.

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LOCKS CLICK

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Charlie Littlepockets, Patrick.

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It's you.

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What?

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Don't fuck about, son.

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I know.

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You've been helping them witnesses.

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You're working for someone else, trying to make a name for yourself.

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I'm surprised at you, son,

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because you're not stupid, and you know what fucking happens.

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Willy, honestly, I don't know what you're...

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Charlie Littlepockets? That's one of my bears.

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PHONE VIBRATES

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-Yeah?

-Right, I just found that bird Patrick brought with him

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in the play room.

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Put a gun on me, claimed she were a copper then done a runner.

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Clear it out.

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-One Pack has just found your bird sniffing round my flat.

-What?!

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She...

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She said she was getting the bus.

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Don't fuck me about, Patrick! What's going on?

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Willy, honestly, I don't... She...

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I've been seeing her a couple of weeks, she found me on Instagram,

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she's a nursery nurse, she plays the clarinet

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and she's my girlfriend, Willy.

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I've seen her fanny.

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HE GASPS

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You two are in so much trouble. Start talking now.

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I'm sorry, we're sorry, but there's guns,

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he's got guns in the wardrobe and he's got fucking knives,

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he's got crossbows...

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Whoa, slow down. Who has?

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-Willy Whelan.

-What the hell do you know about Willy Whelan?

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Look, we had a plan. By the way,

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90% sure this is the murder weapon.

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Jesus Christ.

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Explain.

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Well, we were going to plant in it in his bedroom

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but in the wardrobe there's this secret room

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-and it's just full of weapons, just guns, lots of guns.

-Oh...

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That's it, well done.

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Who packed that fucker? Look at it.

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Oh, no, not now. Fuck off, no.

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The Five-0 are after me.

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-What are they? What are they, rappers, what?

-The police.

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Police? Well, don't come in here, then, you twat.

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I didn't know where to...

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Oh, for fuck's sake.

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HE SOBS

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Right, just wait there, wait there. Fuck's sake. My life.

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Here you are, take that, all right?

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I'll call you on it later, go.

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Well, go, go, go, you twat, go!

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Right, that's it, well done. Give us that one, I'll have that one,

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that's mine.

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All units, this is Romeo Oscar 2-0. I need immediate armed backup

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-at location, the Badger public house. Over.

-What's going on?

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Whelan's got a stockpile of weapons in there,

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-secret room in his back bedroom.

-Cool.

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Well, presumably we've got time for a Costa from the garage?

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It's literally two minutes that way.

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So what about Charlie Littlepockets?

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It's one of the bears, you saw it.

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I-I-I gave it to her as a present.

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You've been played, son.

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We both have.

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What do you mean?

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Your girlfriend is one of the fucking witnesses.

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-What?

-Yeah, she's used you to get to me, I'll say this for her,

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some fucking bollocks on her.

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So you're saying she's responsible?

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Sorry, son.

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Oh, shit.

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Very devious creatures, women.

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They'll suss out your weaknesses,

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so she's realised that you're a big-hearted lad and you love twat.

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HE SOBS

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Now, don't be too hard on yourself, son, happens to the best of us.

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Come on, now. Come on, now.

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You're a good guy, Patrick. You're a good guy, you're loyal,

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smart, and brains, not just a pair of fists.

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I always got work for someone like that, right? Don't you forget.

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Right, come on, let's fucking get a Mr Whippy.

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Police! Stand back!

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Armed police!

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Clear!

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Shit.

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Urgh.

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Hello, officers.

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I see you've found my little play den, then?

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Guilty as charged.

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It's where I bring my girls, see?

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Mistresses, sex professionals,

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I won't have 'em on that marital bed,

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won't have them on there out of respect for my wife.

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Do you partake, Officer?

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All right, son? What's up?

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Right, well, um, the good news is,

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they know who Charlie Littlepockets is.

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Yeah, yeah, we know, Patrick. It's all come out in the wash.

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Turns out it were bollocks.

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-Right.

-Hang on, hang on, hang on.

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That's the good news? Where's the cash?

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Don't be saying you've come here without the cash.

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Well, they jumped me, One Pack, they jumped me.

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They smacked me in the back of the head with a weapon...

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-..and left a big gaping hole in my head.

-Let me see.

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Look.

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-Agh.

-Get the money sorted fast.

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Believe me, son, I'm doing you a favour here, yeah?

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Don't be showing your face around here without a fucking grand.

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Now piss off.

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Where are you, you little prick?

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Right, where?

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Hey, no, I'm in the field.

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Right, which way?

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Right...

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This way?

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This ain't hide-and-fucking-seek.

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Where are you?

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Over here.

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Oh, boy.

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Come here.

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Where are we going?

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-We sorted you out some board and lodgings.

-What do you mean?

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You're going on your holidays, Quavers.

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Come on.

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Can I change out of my PE kit?

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Can you bollocks, son.

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Right, Quavers, we're here.

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This him, is it?

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This is your new lodger.

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He'll have to work, mind.

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He'll have to work.

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Good luck, Quavers.

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So...

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What is this?

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Like a farm or...

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..scrap yard or something?

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Yeah.

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This is me family.

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That's me daughter Brigid, that's me son Gurvin.

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You'll be sleeping in with Gurvin.

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There's no talking after lights out

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or the Virgin Mary will come out of the cupboard and whip your legs.

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You all right?

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HE SNORTS

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Oh, no.

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Right, here's how it's going to be. You're back in wit pro

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and this time you will be cooperating fully.

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But I'd just like to point out that the reason

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we felt compelled to come up with this plan...

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It was her idea, by the way.

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The reason why we felt forced to do this was

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because we were let down by the police in the first place...

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Listen, love, you two are looking at a long list of charges -

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conspiracy to pervert the course of justice,

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possession of a firearm,

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-assaulting a police officer.

-Also her.

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And I'm pretty sure you shot your neighbour through the bathroom door.

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-Her again, pattern developing.

-Leanne.

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Now, I'm prepared to overlook these indiscretions

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provided you now fully cooperate with my investigation.

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You'll have to be given new identities.

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I can now tell you a date has been set for trial -

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it's the 23rd of this month.

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So can I assume you can be trusted to stay out of trouble until then?

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You'll give evidence by video link, you will go home

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and we will never see one another again, is that clear?

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Yes.

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Sorry? I can't hear you.

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-Yes!

-Good.

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DC Wilton, I'd like to request that Rhona

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and I live separately from now on.

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For God's sake, Leanne, don't be such a drama queen.

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That's what I'd like, please.

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We're not messing about here, Leanne.

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-If we go our separate ways, that will be it.

-I know.

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You won't be able to just text me if there's a spider in the bath.

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-I know!

-Well, given all that's happened, yes,

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I think that would be for the best.

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# I won't play these old games

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# Taking risks for gold chains

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# Trying to make my own fame

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# Struggling in the city

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# Making love just ain't fun

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# When your heart's left undone

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# Makes for such a sad song

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# Struggling in the city

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# Oh-oh, oh-oh

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# Oh-oh..#

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Oh, my... Oh, my... Oh, my God!

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I know this is highly unusual, but I just wondered

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if there was an any chance of an extension?

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Oh, Patrick, where does it all end?

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-I know, I do understand but...

-There are no extensions.

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# ..I won't play these old games

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# Taking risks for gold chains

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# Trying to make my own fame

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# Struggling in the city... #

0:15:030:15:05

Dear Patrick.

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My name is Rosemary. I'm the editor of Vintage Bear Enthusiast.

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I wondered if you'd be interested in talking to us about your work.

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Come on, come on.

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BIRDS CHEEP

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HE GASPS

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FABRIC RIPS

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-Agh!

-CRUNCH!

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ENGINE FAILS TO START

0:16:060:16:09

Not today! Not today!

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Shit! Shit!

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Fucking shit.

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Out of my way.

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-I'm so sorry, I'm not late.

-Over an hour late, Patrick.

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-I know, I know.

-We have deadlines for a reason, Patrick.

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-I'm afraid that's an automatic fail.

-What?!

0:16:280:16:31

No, no, no, no. Wait, listen. I've had a really difficult week.

0:16:310:16:33

I have an 82-year-old mother with a detached retina, Patrick.

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-You can teach me nothing of difficult weeks.

-OK, sure, but...

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I suggest that next time you spend a little less

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time in the pub and a little more time in the library.

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Oh, fuck off, you twat!

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What the fuck would you know about my life?

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Julie?

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SHE GASPS

0:16:510:16:53

-Julie!

-I'm sorry, that was too far...

0:16:530:16:55

-No, he's assaulted me!

-What?

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-Security!

-Sorry, I just wanted to get my...

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Oo-ooh.

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I've soiled, Julie.

0:17:010:17:04

Julie, I've soiled.

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Is that what you do?

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I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...

0:17:080:17:10

You've made a 58-year-old woman soil! Are you happy?

0:17:100:17:13

What? What are you doing? Get off me.

0:17:130:17:15

Get out!

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Consider yourself dis-enrolled.

0:17:160:17:18

I'm sorry, I just wanted to get my essay in! Just...

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SHE SOBS

0:17:220:17:24

Fucking have that.

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Fucking hell.

0:17:520:17:54

Welcome home, son.

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Here you are, boys.

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He's come home.

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Give him a fucking whisky!

0:18:200:18:22

Oh, he's alive!

0:18:370:18:39

Ohh...

0:18:390:18:40

Dear Rosemary. Thanks for your e-mail. I'm very flattered.

0:18:440:18:48

However, due to a change in personal circumstances

0:18:480:18:51

I'm no longer pursuing bear restoration.

0:18:510:18:54

Dear Patrick. No problem.

0:18:560:18:59

Sorry to hear you've stopped your bear work.

0:18:590:19:02

You are clearly a very talented, sensitive, good-hearted young man.

0:19:020:19:08

Goodbye and good luck.

0:19:080:19:10

Love, Lea...

0:19:110:19:12

Love, Rosemary.

0:19:160:19:18

All rise.

0:19:210:19:23

-DISTORTED:

-My friend and I were walking home...

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But she wanted to go to the shop so...

0:19:300:19:33

-DISTORTED:

-We took a detour through the car park on Parson's Lane...

0:19:330:19:37

And that's when we saw him, the gunman.

0:19:370:19:41

-DISTORTED:

-He pulled up on a scrambler bike and...

0:19:410:19:45

Shot the guy in the ice-cream van.

0:19:450:19:47

And can you identify the gunman from the photographs in front of you?

0:19:470:19:51

Yes, he's, um, picture number two.

0:19:510:19:54

For the benefit of the court,

0:19:540:19:55

the witness has identified picture two, the defendant,

0:19:550:20:00

as the gunman.

0:20:000:20:02

Witness B, can you hear me?

0:20:210:20:23

DISTORTED: Yes, yes, I can hear you.

0:20:250:20:27

SILLY VOICE: Do I need to do a different voice?

0:20:270:20:32

No, no, there's no need for that.

0:20:340:20:36

OK. Or I could do ze accent for reasons of security, oui?

0:20:360:20:41

Please, witness B, your own accent will be quite sufficient, thank you.

0:20:410:20:46

Patrick.

0:20:500:20:52

I'm sorry.

0:20:530:20:55

Leanne didn't know anything, it was all my fault.

0:20:560:20:59

We really did think she was pregnant at first

0:20:590:21:01

but then I realised she wasn't and I made her keep it up.

0:21:010:21:04

She didn't want to, honestly.

0:21:040:21:06

-We need to go.

-Patrick!

0:21:060:21:08

Come on, we really need to go, come on.

0:21:080:21:11

Hi.

0:21:160:21:18

Hello, Rhona.

0:21:180:21:20

Thank you.

0:21:200:21:22

So...

0:21:250:21:28

Have a seat.

0:21:290:21:31

Do you want a cup of tea? A coffee? An Options?

0:21:310:21:35

I'm pleased to tell you

0:21:350:21:36

-that the trial resulted in a successful conviction.

-Yes!

0:21:360:21:40

The suspect received a substantial custodial sentence

0:21:400:21:43

and we have therefore been able to review your security status...

0:21:430:21:46

..and I can confirm...

0:21:480:21:51

Yes?

0:21:510:21:53

-..that you still qualify for witness protection.

-What?!

0:21:550:21:58

What?!

0:21:580:21:59

Well, this is absolutely scandalous.

0:21:590:22:01

-You said the trial would be the end of this.

-I didn't figure on you

0:22:010:22:04

breaking into the gang-leader's house

0:22:040:22:06

and poking around his weapons stash.

0:22:060:22:08

So...what does this mean?

0:22:080:22:11

It means you'll need to continue living in witness protection

0:22:110:22:14

until we're confident that you're no longer at risk.

0:22:140:22:17

Oh, bums.

0:22:170:22:19

Never rains but it pours.

0:22:190:22:22

Right, fuck it, I don't care, I'm going home.

0:22:220:22:24

I want to go and hug my mum

0:22:240:22:26

and argue with my dad about immigration.

0:22:260:22:28

You'd be putting your family in grave danger.

0:22:280:22:31

Look, the situation will continually be under review.

0:22:320:22:35

Every six months.

0:22:350:22:37

OK, well, thanks for letting me know.

0:22:390:22:41

Have you, um, told Rhona about this?

0:22:410:22:44

Yeah.

0:22:440:22:46

How'd she take it?

0:22:460:22:47

SHE WAILS

0:22:470:22:51

Oh, you know? Similar to you.

0:22:510:22:53

WAILING CONTINUES

0:22:530:22:55

Oh.

0:22:550:22:57

Good luck, Leanne.

0:22:570:22:58

Yeah.

0:22:580:23:00

-Have you seen it?

-Mm?

0:23:060:23:08

-And that is every branch in the south-west.

-Oh, my God.

0:23:080:23:11

Fucking stop now, you've gotta pull him forward

0:23:110:23:14

so I can get my fucking arms out. Snap it back.

0:23:140:23:16

BONES CRUNCH, MAN GROANS

0:23:160:23:18

You dirty little bastard!

0:23:180:23:20

SHE SCREAMS

0:23:200:23:21

GUNSHOT

0:23:210:23:23

Could things get any worse for Leanne and Rhona? Their gung-ho attempt to frame nemesis Willy Whelan backfires. Now, Rhona finds herself trapped in Willy's secret weapons room as his henchman One-Pack closes in, and Leanne is cornered by trigger-happy teen DJ Sound as F***.

Meanwhile the gang have uncovered Patrick's secret, he's been helping the girls - and now he'll have to pay. With surprises coming thick and fast, how will the girls escape their most deadly scrape yet?