Episode 2 Witless

This programme contains some violent scenes and strong language

Don't be showing your face around here without a fucking grand.

You're back in Wit Pro and this time, you will be cooperating fully.

I'd like to request that Rhona and I live separately from now on.

If we go our separate ways, that'll be it.

-Here we are, lads, he's come home!

-HE LAUGHS

GUNSHOT

Hello. If you're watching this video,

you've just received the powerful news that you'll be living in

witness protection long term.

Look, I'm not going to patronise you, that's tough,

but there is a silver lining or should I say platinum lining,

because you've just qualified for Wit Pro Platinum Level.

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

So, what are the benefits?

Well, for a start, 10,000 Nectar points loaded onto your card today.

These Cafe Nero cards are all stamped up

and there must be 12, 15 of them in here.

A reconditioned iPhone 5S with no more than one previous owner.

Orange Wednesdays, didn't they stop doing them?

Not for you.

MUSIC: In The Morning by David Lawrence

# Oh, dear friend, I know your secret

# But I just can't keep it

# Another day... #

Come on, Mr Slick. Get your tongue out your arse, it's time to work.

# Don't confuse, I'm not your saviour

# No-one can save you

# From the devil's arms

# In the morning

# You will pay for what you've done

# Well, hell is calling

# And I will take you with my gun

# In the morning

# You will pay for what you've done... #

And he's always wearing his top.

Why are you wearing your top?

Hey?

You're a man, ain't ya?

Now, I'm really excited for you two to see this one.

As you can see, there's lots of light, lots of space.

Now, um, who's the cook?

So...

..that's a Momma's jerk burger, um, heat deluxe calzone...

So if I could just get your autographs there and there.

..sticky finger ribs, a side of loaded skins...

Congrats, guys! Come on.

..and three bottomless Pepsis.

I want to fight ya.

I want to fight ya in the night.

I want to fight ya under the covers.

Ooh, here she is, the superstar.

-Have you seen it?

-Hm?

And that is every branch in the south-west, not just ours.

Oh, my God.

My chin looks so fat.

Emma, does my chin look fat?

Er, you look gorgeous.

Right, come on, lunch, we're celebrating.

Put Archie in his cage, give him a DentaStix.

I want to try that new place next to Tiles Tiles Tiles.

-..east side of town.

-HE LAUGHS

Oh...

Charming, isn't he? 1960s, I believe.

Er, '40s I'd say. The paw pads went suede in the late '50s.

Oh. Collector?

Yo, Patrick. Come on, mate!

No. No, I'm not.

And, of course, it's not plumbed in, is it?

It's only a bloomin' show house.

-So I called Gary...

-Oh, God, not Gary.

Yeah, don't laugh - Gary.

He shows up with this...

Hi, guys, I just wanted to let you know about our, um...

..about our, um, specials.

We've got, um...

..bread and, um...

Screaming hot fajitas?

Just, just reading off the board,

not trying to do your job or anything, whatever your name is.

-Imogen.

-Imogen.

You choose that yourself?

Er, no.

My parents did.

Huh.

Er, I'll just give you a minute and come back for your order.

Mm! Mm-mm-mm. Mm!

Oh, I could eat another one of them, honestly,

if we weren't going back to work. I'm disgusting.

Hi. Sorry, I've just got your bill. Whenever you're ready.

Three months in, have that cleared.

Fucking flying ants! The fucking bastards are everywhere upstairs.

Willy, have a listen to this one.

Right, say you open a brewery,

that One Pack just so happens to own.

You're paying for beer that he never gives you,

make a couple of grand disappear every week easy.

Not bad, not bad. See, I told ya? Fucking smart, this one.

That college's loss is our fucking gain.

Well, fuck me, look who it is.

Long time no see.

I hope you ain't come here fucking empty handed, son,

not on flying ants' day. I'm in a bad enough mood as it is.

Where the fuck do you think you're going?

940, 960...

..980.

Nah.

I counted it a few times, Willy. There was, there was £1,000 there.

Look give me ten minutes, yeah?

Give me, give me ten minutes and I'll be back here with the £20.

Ah!

Fucking sick of that twat.

Here, see if there's any fucking decent bread in the place,

bit of toast wouldn't go a miss. The fucking bastard!

40, 960, 980...

-..grand.

-HE CHUCKLES

Come on, Paddy, let's get him moved.

I've got the fucking heavy end, you haven't.

Oh, bollocks!

That's it.

Oh, give us a hand with this.

No, put him on there, put him on there.

Jesus.

-Is he going to fit?

-Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

That's my dinner.

-Right. Oh. Ready?

-Yeah.

-Three.

That's it, there we go, drop him in, get his arse in now.

I've got my arms fucking stuck now.

You've got to pull him forward so I can get my fucking arms out.

That's it.

Shit. Let's get these legs in, look, ready?

That's it. Go on, just snap it backwards, it won't hurt him.

-BONE SNAPS

-That's it.

-Oh, oh!

Put this down. Oh, his fucking leg...

Snap it right back in.

-BONE SNAPS

-Oh!

-There you go, there you go.

That's it, he's in now. Get that on the top. Go on, get it on.

Let's go get a pint.

HE RETCHES

HE GRUNTS

Er, thanks.

QUAD BIKE APPROACHES

Hey, Mr Slick.

Meet me by the lake in five, we'll have a wanking contest,

points for speed and amount.

Just clear these away for you.

Hey.

Hi.

Thanks for coming back.

My shift finishes in like two minutes.

-Do you want to...?

-Yeah.

Oh, I'll just... OK.

I'm really sorry, Leanne.

-You know about...

-It's OK.

I think I probably overreacted a bit.

-CRYING:

-I've missed you, Leanne.

TEARFULLY: I've missed you too.

Stop it, cos you, you're going to start me off.

I've been such a bitch.

No, I...

I've been a bitch.

-SOBBING:

-Can we be friends again?

SOBBING: Of course we can be friends!

THEY SOB

This is just so hard, you know?

It's so hard.

-Here, blow into that.

-Thanks.

Oh, oh.

They'll be closing here in a minute.

Do you want to come back to mine?

I've got a juicer.

Yeah.

THEY CRY

Mr Slick, what's your real name?

Adrian.

Adrian, like a film star.

What's it like in the city?

I expect you're always brawling in the nightclub.

Have you ever met Kanye West?

I've a little dream.

Ah, you'll think I'm silly.

One day, I want to get a bus...

..and go to Claire's Accessories.

Go to Claire's Accessories and try everything on.

Heard you killed a man.

You're an outlaw, so....

So, what do you do?

Well, obviously, it's pretty gross

but I find if I wash it as soon as I get in,

-the meat smell basically goes.

-Mm.

Oh, wow.

-Is this your flat?

-Yeah.

They gave you this flat?

Oh, God, no.

-Oh, sorry, Rhona, shoes.

-Oh.

Hang on, you're not still living in the flat they gave you, are you?

Yes.

I'm really lucky, you see, cos I work in lettings,

so I get to see the good stuff as it comes in.

Mm.

I could help you out, actually. What's your budget?

Oh, my God, the best bit is there's this office dog, Archie,

he's a French bulldog and he sort of belongs to the office,

so sometimes I take him home, sometimes Trish does

and he's got a different jumper for every day, look at his little face.

Yeah, hon, you're doing so great.

Erm...

-HOLDING BACK TEARS:

-I'm really happy for you.

Thanks, and you.

You've got lovely hair.

-CRYING:

-I can't take it any more.

Oh, hey. Shh, Rhona.

I'm sorry, I didn't want to get into this, it's just...

..we're never going home, are we?

Well, you know the police are trying to catch Willy Whelan, aren't they?

Yeah, and have been for about 15 years

and even if they do catch him, then what then?

He'll just be running the show from the inside.

Well, if there's nothing we can do,

there's no point crying about it, is there?

No, but there is something we can do, there is.

I've been thinking about it.

We have to get rid of Whelan...

..for good.

We need to kill him.

I'm sorry, I'm no lawyer but I'm pretty sure that's way illegal.

Well, what choice do we have?

Rhona, if you'd asked me a year ago

did I want to live in witness protection, seven times out of ten,

I would've said, no, course not, but I'm making the best of it.

Bad stuff happens,

it's how you react to it that counts.

I'll give you a lift home.

Ugh!

CRUNCHING

Three!

-CRUNCHING

-Oh!

"Very talented, sensitive, good-hearted young man."

"Dear Rosemary, sorry for the slow reply.

"Many thanks for your kind words."

PHONE CHIMES

"You might get a kick out of this.

"Passing an antique shop when I saw a 1940s Merrythought

"in near mint condition."

"Dear Patrick, lovely to hear from you.

"You're such a knowledgeable young man."

"Dear Rosemary, how have you been?

"Tell me, how did you get involved in the scene?"

"I fell in love, Patrick, with a man who was a master of the craft."

-"Dear Rosemary..."

-"Dear Patrick..."

-"Thanks for your message."

-"How was your weekend?"

"Did you see the 1930s Chiltern on Antiques Roadshow?"

"So insightful, Patrick."

"Where do you stand on the waistcoat?"

"..achieve such a fine stitch?"

"I haven't seen one like that in years."

-"Tell me about the buttons."

-"Are you on messenger?"

Psst!

Come in, there's something I want to show ya.

Come on, I won't bite ya.

Shut the door.

-WHISPERS:

-This is me bra.

It was Mammy's before she left.

It's nice.

And when you're finished up in that top field, I want you...

Jesus, Mary and the holy Saint Joseph.

-You dirty little bastard.

-Dad, no!

-Gurvin!

-Ah!

-Gurvin! Get in here and hold his prick.

Keep his seed away from her!

-You'll be married on Sunday.

-Dad, we didn't...

You'll be married on Sunday.

CRUNCHING

Fuck me.

That one of the fucking...?

Stupid fuckers.

Shall we vacate to my office

and plot an appropriate course of fucking action?

Fucking hell.

I'm out, boys, win again.

Trish, come look at this.

Just watch that video.

Keep watching the budgie and look at the kitten's face.

Ooh!

Emma, have you seen this?

Do you fancy a pod, Trish? I'm just doing one for myself.

No, ta, I've already had two Kenyan Mellows today.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Oh, Archie, finished your water.

Oh, you've finished your water.

Let me get you some, yes.

Hello, sir, how can I help?

Was it sales or lettings you wanted?

Trish! TRISH SCREAMS

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT

Oh, my God, thank God you're OK.

Come in.

It was on TV, I thought it must be you, they said a woman's been shot.

Oh, my God, that's Trish, that's Trish!

It's OK, she's OK, they said she's awake and talking in hospital.

Oh, Rhona, it was horrible, it was so close.

-It's OK, it's OK, you're safe now.

-They were trying to kill me, Rhona.

-I know, I know, but you're safe now.

-Yeah.

All right?

I did manage to get the bastard in the head

with a coffee machine though.

All right, have a seat, I'll make you a Ribena.

-Make it hot.

-All right.

SHE SLURPS

Oh...

Oh, God, I hope Trish is OK.

I, I can't even go see her, can I?

I can't go back to the office, to the flat. I loved that flat.

That's it, innit?

Leanne...

..this is what I meant.

We can never build lives in here.

The only way to stop this is if Willy Whelan is...

-..gone.

-Rhona, no.

We can't, we're not...

WHISPERS: ..killers.

-Oh, look, this is it.

-Oh, my God, that's my office.

Turn it up, turn it up.

-TV:

-Now there's shock in Chippenham tonight as gunshots were fired

this afternoon in what appears to have been a premeditated attack

at a local estate agent.

Thankfully there have been no fatalities.

A 34-year-old woman is being treated for a gunshot wound to the shoulder

at the Royal United Hospital in Bath.

Floral tributes have started to be laid outside the premises

for three-year-old French bulldog Archie

who was killed in the attack...

Oh, yeah, sorry, forgot about that, a dog got shot.

Right, I want Whelan's shitty, beardy head on a fucking spike.

We get guns. I don't know where, the internet?

And I'll go into that pub, open fire, be like,

"This is for Archie."

All right, Clive Owen, sit down.

Look, I've been thinking about this a lot.

Even if we could kill Whelan,

we'd almost certainly face retaliation

from one of his lackeys afterwards,

not to mention obviously the small matter of life imprisonment.

So then what?

What if somebody else killed him?

Mm? What if we could maybe make that happen?

But who?

There's another gang.

Think about it, Leanne, the guy in the ice cream van,

the one we saw get shot?

There's another gang.

We need Willy Whelan dead.

SHE SCREAMS

Who the fuck are you?

Gurvin!

Shit.