Episode 3 Witless


Episode 3

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This programme contains some violent scenes and some strong language

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This is me bra.

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You dirty little bastard.

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-Dad, no!

-You'll be married on Sunday.

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-Dad, we didn't...

-You'll be married.

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What if somebody else killed Whelan?

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But who?

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Think about it, Leanne, there's another gang.

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GUNSHOT

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Ah.

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SHE BELCHES

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-Found anything?

-Yeah, look at this.

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This guy, Farooq Erdem, the guy we saw get shot, I think

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this is his dad, and listen to this,

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"Charges against Mr Erdem include cultivating cannabis, handling

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"stolen goods, illegally importing meat..."

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-I think it's a family outfit.

-Like the Mafia.

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Yeah, exactly. What have you got?

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Watch the budgie and look at the kitten's face.

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Leanne.

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All right, sorry for sharing probably the best gif

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I've seen all year.

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OK, here we go, "Farooq Erdem, owner, proprietor,

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"Top Class Kebabish, Longwell Street, Bristol."

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-We need to check this place out.

-Deffo.

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SHE CRUNCHES

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Oh.

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See anything?

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Leanne, can you stop being so noisy?

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What? Snacks is a big part of any decent stakeout, fact.

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Oh, I can see him, that's him.

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Let me see.

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Oh, that's our guy.

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Then tomorrow we begin phase two. Are you ready for this?

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Oh, yeah.

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Yo.

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Hey, you were supposed to come back at 12 for your dinner.

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Where were ya? Are you drunk?

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I'm just... I was just doing this, sorry.

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Well, I brought it to you, anyway.

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Make sure you're not late for your tea, mind.

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If you're not there by dark, it'll go in the bin.

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HE LAUGHS

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Ah, you're her bitch-boy now.

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Ah, Mr Slick's getting married and you're her bitch-boy, so.

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Sweet, innit?

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And that's been lowered,

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that's been lowered,

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springs out, cylinders in,

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big bad boy subwoofer at the back, that'll get the bass pumping...

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Sorry to bother you, but my son, Benny, I know he knows you lads.

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I've not heard from him and I just wondered if you'd seen him

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or if you know where he is.

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Sorry, love, no.

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I'm just a bit worried.

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I just fucking told you, didn't I?

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PHONE CHIMES

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Hey, Rosemary, you there?

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Yes, you OK?

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Having a bit of a tough time at the moment, to be honest.

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Work stuff.

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Oh, you poor poppet, nurses are so undervalued.

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How did you know I was a nurse?

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I googled you.

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That's OK.

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I was training to be a nurse but I got kicked out of college,

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I've gone back to an old line of work.

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I'm doing things that aren't strictly legal.

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I understand if you don't want to talk to me.

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Of course I still want to talk to you, I'm your friend.

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Thanks, Rosemary, that means a lot. Speak soon.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Woohoo! A-ha.

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GUNSHOT

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Now, this is it.

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This'll be your marital home where you'll live, raise your babies.

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Needs a lick of paint and some tarp for the roof.

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That's something you can take care of.

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HE SPITS

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You'll do the work yourself, mind, you're not my boy.

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I won't be a father to you.

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Coffee, please, darling. Black, three sugars.

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Farooq Erdem...

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You don't know me yet,

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but you will do, my son.

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Name's Slater, DCI Slater,

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Bristol Police.

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Thanks, love.

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Just transferred in from the Met.

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I've been looking at your file, Farooq.

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You've been a very busy boy, ain't ya?

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I think I might get a few of my old pals at the Met to cast

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an eye over your file.

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We'll find something, Far...

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Ah...

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Top hit.

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This month in bears.

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Mm.

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Age gap relationships weird?

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Mm.

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TV PLAYS

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Evening, Farooq.

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Well, well, well.

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Nice place you have here.

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What do you want?

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I want a kebab, Farooq.

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It's not a problem, is it?

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All right, Slater, stand down.

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Shit.

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Shit indeed, Detective Constable.

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What are you doing down here?

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Slumming it a bit, ain't ya?

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My unit are working on something.

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I have business to discuss with Mr Erdem.

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Kimberley Goodwood.

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Mr Erdem, I work for a government unit concerned with

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domestic security and organised crime.

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What, like MI5?

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Something like that.

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So? What do you want with me?

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Mr Erdem, this conversation is not happening and I am not here.

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What I'm about to put to you is absolutely not police

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or government policy.

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We need Willy Whelan...

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..dead.

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If you and your gang would be willing to, um...

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..kill him,

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not only would you not be actively investigated or prosecuted,

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but you would also be granted

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a further three years' criminal immunity.

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What?! You're willing to do a deal with scum like that?

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Ah...

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You're fucking lucky she's got my bollocks in a vice.

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Well?

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I can't help you. I am no longer involved in criminal activities.

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Come on, Farooq, you can be honest with us, this is all off the record.

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I am being honest.

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We sold cigarettes from Turkey,

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Whelan says stop, we said no,

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Whelan killed my son, so we stop.

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It broke my heart.

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It broke my heart.

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OK.

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Oh, come on, Farooq, be positive,

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you can't give up after just one knock.

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Yeah.

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You are seriously telling me to go back to crime?

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If you haven't got a dream, Farooq...

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..how are you going to have a dream come true?

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Leave my shop now. Please.

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Now!

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Shit.

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So, Whelan killing his son, that was really quite effective.

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-Yeah, I didn't figure on that.

-No.

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What the fuck was all that?

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What the fuck do you want with my dad? What do you want with my dad?

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Yeah, I know you're not police. Who the fuck are you?

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OK, OK, OK. No, you're right, just...

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Just please put the weird scary knife down and...and I'll explain.

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OK. Yeah.

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We're the witnesses to your brother's murder.

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We testified at the trial.

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Yeah...

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Well, what was all that black ops shit in there, then?

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We're now on the witness protection programme

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and we can never go home as long as Whelan's alive.

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Yeah, and we were hoping that we might be able to

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persuade your dad to take care of that. Sorry.

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-Sorry.

-Sorry.

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That was really you? In the trial?

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Picture number two is the offender, Your Honour.

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Well, first up...

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..thank you.

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You're welcome. Oh, God. Do you know what?

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That is the first time anyone's said that to us, including the judge.

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Yeah, well, you don't need to persuade me to kill Willy Whelan,

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I've thought about it every day since my brother's murder.

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But if I could do it, don't you think I would've done?

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Whelan's not an idiot, you can't get near him.

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But what...what if we worked together as a team,

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and we could come up with something?

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Right, yeah, and in terms of our planning a gangland murder,

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what would you two be bringing to the table?

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Well, I've got a degree.

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Yeah, and I'm really good at remembering birthdays.

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Sorry.

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Thanks again for...you know.

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If you ever want a free kebab.

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So that's that, I guess. We tried.

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No, no, this can work. That guy's up for it

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and we've seen from his little knife-waving act

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that he's got the skill set.

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We just need to figure out a way to get him a shot at Whelan.

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You!

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I know your face.

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You knew him. Where is he?

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Where is my son?

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-Sorry, I don't know.

-I know he's dead.

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I know he's dead, so just tell me where you put him

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so I've got somewhere to go!

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He's my boy.

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I'm sorry, I really don't know.

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-Please.

-I don't know.

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-Please!

-I don't know.

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SHE SOBS

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PHONE BUZZES

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Hello, Patrick, it's been a while, you OK?

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Things aren't great right now.

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Mm, want to talk about it?

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No.

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You don't sound like yourself, Patrick.

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You don't know me, I'm not a good guy.

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You are a good guy.

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I don't want to do this any more. Sorry.

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OK, problem - it's hard to get to Whelan.

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Whelan...hard.

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-He's always in the Badger, surrounded by his goons.

-Yeah.

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But what if we could somehow bring Whelan to our guy...?

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Yes, yeah. How?

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Well, let's think about Whelan, let's get inside his head.

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Criminal.

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Beard.

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Likes crime.

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Dislikes...

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..shaving.

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Well, you've been inside his flat, what's he into?

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Well, he seemed to like, um...boxing.

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Right.

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Chinese ornaments...

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Chinese boxing match.

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Oh, hang on, hang on, I spoke to his wife.

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Well, what do you remember about her?

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Me, I love anything to do with the Tudors...

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..to do with the Tudors...

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OK, I think I might have something.

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-Hello?

-We're not open yet.

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It's us, remember?

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Look, if you want your free kebabs, come back at lunchtime.

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Any of the ones under four quid.

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-Is your dad in?

-Nah, he's at boxercise.

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OK, good, we need to talk to you.

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Tudor banquet.

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What?

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OK, just trust us on this, we know...

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-For a fact...

-That Mrs Whelan is a fan...

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-Big fan.

-Yes! Of all things Tudor.

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So we pretend we're staging a Tudor banquet.

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A romantic Tudor-themed evening of food, song and raffles.

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We lure Mrs Whelan into booking two tickets for her

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and her husband, but when they get there, there is no event.

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Just you...

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Primed and ready to... Yeah.

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Tudor banquet?

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Just sounds a bit...gay.

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Sorry, you're objecting to the plan for aesthetic reasons?

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But that's why it's so good.

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Who's ever suspected there's something

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underhand about a Tudor banquet?

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OK, it's a bit of a long shot

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but if she doesn't go for it then what have we lost?

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Nothing.

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HE SUCKS HIS LIPS

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So he thinks he's going to this fucking banquet,

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we'd have to dress the place up, make it look busy.

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Absolutely, totes.

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Then, when he steps inside, you shoot him.

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No, no, you shoot a man,

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Whelan's less than that.

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I'll kill him with hammers.

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Yeah.

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Whatever you feel comfortable with.

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So, er, you're in?

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I'm in.

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BOYS CHUCKLE

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Come on, hurry up.

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-Where are we going?

-You'll see, just follow me.

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Oh, mate, I've got shit all over my Nikes.

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Look, you are going to love this, I promise.

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Check it out.

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-Wow.

-Shh.

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Wow.

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We should go, we shouldn't stay too long.

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-Why not?

-Because we might scare the mother off. Come on.

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Wait, I just want one final look.

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All right.

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Hey, come on, race you to the park.

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You wish, small legs.

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THEY LAUGH

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DRILLING

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Mr Slick.

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You're to be married in the morning.

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You and me need to have a little talk...

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..as men, before you start breeding my daughter.

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Are you cut?

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What?

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Are you circumcised, lad?

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In this house, we follow Scripture.

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You must be cut before you wed, you must be cut like Jacob.

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Well, go on, then.

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Are you going to do it now here, like a man,

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or do I have to get Granny?

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Argh!

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Pa, what's going on?

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Gurvin!

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Woo!

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Gurvin, the bastard's away.

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Ah!

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GUNSHOT

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You all right there, son?

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-What are you doing standing in the middle of the road?

-Shit.

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Where are you going? Oi! Stop!

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Oi!

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HE WHIMPERS

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I have got a fucking stiffy right now.

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You've seen them on TV, now eat your dinner dressed as them...

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the Tudors.

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That ginger lad, yeah?

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Did you give his mum some money?

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Argh!

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Leanne and Rhona turn super sleuths, tracking the rival Bristol gang down to a kebab shop. Disguised as good cop/bad cop, the girls put on a performance they hope will trick the rival gangsters into doing their dirty work - bumping off Willy Whelan. But these hardened crooks aren't what they seem.

Meanwhile, DJ Sound as F***'s marriage to Brigid is looming, and Patrick's unlikely online friendship takes a romantic turn.


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