Episode 4 Witless

GUNSHOT

Oi! Stop!

I've gone back to an old line of work.

I'm doing things that aren't strictly legal.

-Where's my son?

-Sorry, I don't know.

I know he's dead.

Tudor banquet.

We lure Mrs Whelan into booking two tickets but when they get there,

-there is no event.

-Just you.

I'm in.

# When I was 17

# It was a very good year

# It was a very good year for small-town girls

# And soft summer nights

# We'd hide from the lights... #

DOOR LOCKS

# On the village green

# When I was 17... #

So, what do you think?

We need to make it look legit from the outside,

make it look busy. You'll have to get, like, a PA

and play some crowd noise and, like, bare Greensleeves and shit over it.

Yeah, sure, I can sort that.

Er, I could do a banner and decorate the doorway and...

-and maybe a funny blackboard.

-Yes, good.

Not the blackboard, though.

Car park needs to be full.

Cousin of mine's got a dealership. He should be able to sort us out.

-Great.

-So basically, they'll come in

and I'll be waiting here

and I'll be like...

Bang!

Easy, clean.

Perfect. Well, um, sounds like you've got it all in hand

so we'll just get onto these jobs and help you set the place up and...

..leave you to do the business, I guess.

-What?

-Yeah.

Nah, nah, nah, you two need to be here.

What about the wife?

I need you to hold her back, get her out of the way.

Can't do this without your help.

-Wife?

-Yes, OK.

So...

We're now quite involved in this murder.

Yeah, well, let's not kid ourselves -

we were always involved, it's just...

now we might have to see a bit more.

Just feels quite a bit worse than making bunting.

Yeah, well, if you think about it

we'll actually be taking a lady OUT of the path of danger.

We're like stretcher bearers in World War I

or Medecins Sans Frontieres.

She'll probably be glad to see the back of him more than anyone.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

He's a monster at work. God knows what he's like at home.

Probably pisses all over the toilet seat.

And I bet he's a dick about putting the heating on.

-Absolutely.

-Yeah.

Yep, there she is.

10:54.

-Same time as yesterday and the day before.

-Like clockwork.

Who goes to a beauty parlour every day?

Hey, don't knock it. I'd do the same if I had her success.

All right, Hayley, love, thanks.

It's nails tomorrow, isn't it?

Comes around quick.

We've not had a proper night out, Willy, just the two of us, in years.

What you talking about? We did a couple of weeks ago.

When?

We had that Chinese takeaway.

I mean, go out. Properly.

We live in a pub. That's the beauty of it.

You could have a Breezer right now, who's going to stop you?

SHE SIGHS

HE KNOCKS

This is for you.

-What's this?

-It's for you. Take it.

Has he sent you, has he? Trying to buy me off?

No, no, no, this is my money.

I don't want money.

Look, I'm just trying to help...

PHONE RINGS

-BAZ:

-Yeah?

Any phone call yet?

Lot of phone calls but none from a Whelan.

Shit, right, OK, well, just keep turning them away.

Anyone who isn't Mrs Whelan, it's sold out.

Look, it was a nice idea, yeah?

But maybe we just admit it's not going to work.

But I've been thinking - given the levels of interest,

you know, I might just straight up do a Tudor banquet,

start selling the tickets for real. I'll cut you in 10%.

What? No.

End of the day, I'm a caterer, fam.

Look, this is going to work, OK? Just stick with it.

We just need to up the ante.

UPBEAT CAPER MUSIC

You've seen them on TV. You've read about them in books.

Now eat your dinner dressed as them.

Yes - the Tudors.

Off with the head of a delicious pig,

which we will then spit-roast.

Book now, quoting Radio Avon,

and your lord, or lady, dines free.

WHISTLE BLOWS

HE YELLS

WHISTLE BLOWS

HE KEEPS YELLING

She's told me she's going to wear a jumpsuit,

she's only turned up in a flipping baby doll.

Oh, my God, no way.

Who does that?

Give me two moments, all right?

Hi. Sorry, um, bit of a weird one...

I'm with a modelling agency. Could I have a quick word?

Outside?

Yeah, sure.

Sorry, love, just sweeping round your legs.

So, um, er, if you don't mind, if you could give us a little spin?

Lovely, lovely figure.

So, any plans for this weekend?

Oh, um...

I have. My boyfriend's taking me to this Tudor banquet.

Cos he loves me.

Oh, I want to go to that.

Don't tell me I gave them all out in Milan.

SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Can I get my husband to agree?

Oh, well, do you know what I do when it's like that?

Just book the tickets and tell him we're going.

-Well, I should be getting back inside.

-Yes, um...

-Good for you.

Yeah, anyway, I'd better get out of your way

and let Hayley do your roots.

If you're interested, then Google us at, er...Lady Models.

OK, sure, thanks.

Oh, where was I?

Anyway, I turned up in a pencil skirt

so it was all right in the end.

-PATRICK:

-We were walking home, oh, all night long.

Right, anyone who ain't Patrick, fuck off.

Everything all right, Willy?

That ginger lad, yeah?

Did you give his mum some money?

Look, I'm really sorry, Willy.

She came up to me in the street the other day. She was a real mess.

I didn't say the money was anything to do with her son

and I didn't mention you or, or the boys.

I made it clear that it was... it was my money.

Shit, I'm so sorry. I should've...

How much did you give her?

About...

..five grand.

There's double.

Ten grand.

What?

That's for you.

Willy, I...

You're a good man, Patrick.

I wish I'd thought to do that, I do.

Poor women. Not her fault her son's a dickhead, is it?

Um...no.

You done a good thing, a beautiful thing.

Well, she didn't seem to think so.

Well, fuck her, then.

Fuck her.

Use that money to do something nice for yourself.

Get a new suit or something.

Or a blow job.

TV: While Steve and Sarah take time to consider their options,

I'm off to catch up with Mark and Charlotte...

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

It worked. Mrs Whelan, she just booked two tickets to the banquet.

Yes!

OK, speak soon.

It worked. She bought two tickets.

THEY SQUEAL

Right, now there's just the small matter of

the battering to death with hammers.

TV: ..which sounds like a terrible idea.

Forgot to tell you, I booked two tickets to this...

If you don't want to come, I'll find someone else.

All right, I'll come.

I don't have to dress up like a twat, though, do I?

No.

It would be nice if just once you could wear a ruff.

I've decided to take my Shirl on a night out.

Got tickets for this here Tudor banquet.

Nice.

Yeah, Alan can drive us

so tell him to stay off the piss Friday afternoon.

Alan.

Oh, and see if you can get me a ruff.

Ruff.

Right...

While you're here, boss, there's something I got to tell you.

Oh, yeah?

It's...

-Shit, I'm sorry...

-No, no, no, no, it's all right,

you stay there, son. You can say in front of Patrick. He's board level.

Quavers, the lad who shot the grass...

Yeah, what about him?

He's fucking absconded from your cousin's place. Got himself nicked.

Oh, the silly twat.

Has he talked?

Not yet, as far as I know.

Well, we can't take the risk, though, can we?

He's pissed on his chips. Where is he?

Ashbury.

Get him gone.

Qua-vers...

I'm going to try and find a fancy dress shop.

Can you find whatever you need to make the banner and stuff?

Yep.

Right, so I'll meet you back here in about an hour?

Oh! While we're in town we should claim our free kebabs.

What? Leanne, no.

Yeah, why not?

Because you don't know who might see you - police, gang members.

Rhona, free kebab.

Fine, do what you like.

The meat's on those spinny things for days, you know?

And it's dripping in saturates.

I like satriates.

CAR LOCKS

Ding dong!

Er, hello?

Big changes are coming in these ends, boys.

We're going to be back in business - for real this time.

I'm taking Whelan out. That's happening.

Then, same night, I want you boys to take out his lieutenants, yeah?

All at the same time.

End of The Godfather shit, you know, Night of The Long Knives,

like we did in history, where we had to compare sources.

I got their names and addresses.

Nez, you're going to do Trevor Haynes - goes by One Pack.

Birdseye, you're going to do John Wilkes.

Kemal, Patrick Daniels.

Remember these names and addresses, yeah? Then burn this paper.

And there were six of them in the back room in the kebab shop

and he gave each one of them

the name and address for the one they're going to kill.

I think we should rethink this whole thing.

But, look, he's a career criminal.

We knew that getting into this

and he's going to do criminal things.

If he wants to go on a killing spree I'm not going to like it

but I'm certainly not going to feel responsible for it.

I dunno...

Leanne, we've been through all this, OK?

We are stuck like this as long as Whelan's alive.

How often are we going to find someone willing to voluntarily knock him off for us?

Look, when all this is over,

we'll make a donation to the Red Cross, OK?

A three-figure sum.

Now, please, drive us home.

I've bought us some Magnums and they're going to melt.

SHE SIGHS

MOTOR STARTS

CAR LOCKS

Patrick!

Patrick...

Leanne. What the fuck? How have you found me?

Patrick, just listen.

Are you out of your mind? I can't... We can't talk.

I know, I know, but just please listen.

I know you're back in the gang.

I...I dunno what you're talking about.

The Tudor banquet - it's a trap.

We've teamed up with the Erdem gang.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit, Leanne, do not do this.

I can't stop it!

And now the Erdems, after they kill Willy,

they're coming for you. You have to leave town before tomorrow.

I can't be seen talking to you. Just go.

-Patrick!

-Just go!

Patrick, mate, what's up?

Um...

Sorry to call late.

Don't worry, mate. What's wrong? Something on your mind?

It's this Tudor banquet thing...

Yeah?

Um...

Don't go.

Don't go? Why not?

I dunno, I've just...

..just got a bad feeling about it.

I mean, what do we know about it? Who's running it, you know?

How do we know it's legit?

I dunno, I mean...

OK, the thing is...

I had a dream about it, and...

..my birth mum, you know, she...

..apparently had the gift.

All right.

All right, I'll give a swerve.

Saves me having to wear this fucking bollocks anyway, doesn't it?

Shirl!

Shirl, where's them tickets for the fucking...thing?

On the dresser!

PHONE RINGS

-Yeah.

-All right, mate, er...

I'm coming to the banquet tonight, mate,

and I'm just checking, is there parking, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

And, er, you serve alcohol, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Beer, wine, cider, the lot.

Telefondaki kim?

Kimse degil, endiselenme!

All right, then, mate.

Er, well, we'll see you later, then. Looking forward to it.

What the fuck was that fucking language?

Pakistani, weren't it? Or Welsh.

No, no, no, no, no, it were fucking Greek or something.

Turkish.

PHONE RINGS DOWN THE LINE

Yeah?

Er, yeah, I just wondered if you had any tickets left for this banquet?

Nah, sold out, sorry.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Patrick, mate. Your hunch - fucking bang on, son.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, we looked into it, the banquet.

Fucking Erdems are behind it

and I don't think they're planning on serving me no fucking goose, do you know what I mean?

No, I think you must've got the gift off your old mum.

Anyway, get yourself down here now. All fucking hands on deck here.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

We're going to ambush the ambush and have a fucking big bonfire.

This is going to go down in history as one of the fucking big moments.

Yeah, um... I'll see you, then.

Fuck yeah.

Evening, all.

I feel like fucking chicken tonight.

Here he is.

Man of the hour, Mystic fucking Meg! Come here.

Ha-ha! You ready for this?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Gentlemen, I have got a fucking stiffy right now.

Right, everyone clear what they're supposed to be doing?

No-one's an hero, no-one's a dickhead.

Stick to the plans, we'll be home before closing.

Come on.

TUDOR MUSIC PLAYS

Any sign?

Not yet.

SOFT CLATTERING

This is fucking it.

No, there's nobody there. It's probably just a pigeon or something.

GLASS SHATTERS

That wasn't a pigeon.

There's somebody there.

-It's locked.

-What?

It's Whelan. He knows.

# Alas, my love, you do me wrong

# To cast me off discourteously

# And I have loved you so long

# Delighting in your company

# Greensleeves was all my joy... #

Fuck!

# Greensleeves was my delight

# Greensleeves was my heart of gold

# And who but my lady Greensleeves? #

THEY SCREAM

Look at that.

Work of fucking art.

Consider yourselves made. Every single fucking one of you.

Here, come on, let's get a fucking selfie.

Anyone puts this on Facebook, I'll have his fucking bollocks.

EXPLOSION

Oh, look at that, lads!

Sweet justice.

Burn, you fuckers, burn!

HE YELLS

Right, then.

I'm going to treat you all to fucking tapas.

# Greensleeves was all my joy

# Greensleeves was my delight

# Greensleeves was my heart of gold

# And who but my lady Greensleeves? #