Episode 4 Witless


Episode 4

Comedy series. Leanne and Rhona need to lure Willy Whelan to their fake Tudor banquet, so that Baz can try to kill him. DJ Sound as F*** faces up to his crimes.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

GUNSHOT

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Oi! Stop!

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I've gone back to an old line of work.

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I'm doing things that aren't strictly legal.

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-Where's my son?

-Sorry, I don't know.

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I know he's dead.

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Tudor banquet.

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We lure Mrs Whelan into booking two tickets but when they get there,

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-there is no event.

-Just you.

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I'm in.

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# When I was 17

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# It was a very good year

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# It was a very good year for small-town girls

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# And soft summer nights

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# We'd hide from the lights... #

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DOOR LOCKS

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# On the village green

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# When I was 17... #

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So, what do you think?

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We need to make it look legit from the outside,

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make it look busy. You'll have to get, like, a PA

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and play some crowd noise and, like, bare Greensleeves and shit over it.

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Yeah, sure, I can sort that.

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Er, I could do a banner and decorate the doorway and...

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-and maybe a funny blackboard.

-Yes, good.

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Not the blackboard, though.

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Car park needs to be full.

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Cousin of mine's got a dealership. He should be able to sort us out.

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-Great.

-So basically, they'll come in

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and I'll be waiting here

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and I'll be like...

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Bang!

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Easy, clean.

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Perfect. Well, um, sounds like you've got it all in hand

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so we'll just get onto these jobs and help you set the place up and...

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..leave you to do the business, I guess.

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-What?

-Yeah.

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Nah, nah, nah, you two need to be here.

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What about the wife?

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I need you to hold her back, get her out of the way.

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Can't do this without your help.

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-Wife?

-Yes, OK.

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So...

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We're now quite involved in this murder.

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Yeah, well, let's not kid ourselves -

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we were always involved, it's just...

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now we might have to see a bit more.

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Just feels quite a bit worse than making bunting.

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Yeah, well, if you think about it

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we'll actually be taking a lady OUT of the path of danger.

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We're like stretcher bearers in World War I

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or Medecins Sans Frontieres.

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She'll probably be glad to see the back of him more than anyone.

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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He's a monster at work. God knows what he's like at home.

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Probably pisses all over the toilet seat.

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And I bet he's a dick about putting the heating on.

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-Absolutely.

-Yeah.

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Yep, there she is.

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10:54.

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-Same time as yesterday and the day before.

-Like clockwork.

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Who goes to a beauty parlour every day?

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Hey, don't knock it. I'd do the same if I had her success.

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All right, Hayley, love, thanks.

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It's nails tomorrow, isn't it?

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Comes around quick.

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We've not had a proper night out, Willy, just the two of us, in years.

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What you talking about? We did a couple of weeks ago.

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When?

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We had that Chinese takeaway.

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I mean, go out. Properly.

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We live in a pub. That's the beauty of it.

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You could have a Breezer right now, who's going to stop you?

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SHE SIGHS

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HE KNOCKS

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This is for you.

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-What's this?

-It's for you. Take it.

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Has he sent you, has he? Trying to buy me off?

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No, no, no, this is my money.

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I don't want money.

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Look, I'm just trying to help...

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PHONE RINGS

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-BAZ:

-Yeah?

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Any phone call yet?

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Lot of phone calls but none from a Whelan.

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Shit, right, OK, well, just keep turning them away.

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Anyone who isn't Mrs Whelan, it's sold out.

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Look, it was a nice idea, yeah?

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But maybe we just admit it's not going to work.

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But I've been thinking - given the levels of interest,

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you know, I might just straight up do a Tudor banquet,

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start selling the tickets for real. I'll cut you in 10%.

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What? No.

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End of the day, I'm a caterer, fam.

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Look, this is going to work, OK? Just stick with it.

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We just need to up the ante.

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UPBEAT CAPER MUSIC

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You've seen them on TV. You've read about them in books.

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Now eat your dinner dressed as them.

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Yes - the Tudors.

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Off with the head of a delicious pig,

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which we will then spit-roast.

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Book now, quoting Radio Avon,

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and your lord, or lady, dines free.

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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HE YELLS

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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HE KEEPS YELLING

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She's told me she's going to wear a jumpsuit,

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she's only turned up in a flipping baby doll.

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Oh, my God, no way.

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Who does that?

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Give me two moments, all right?

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Hi. Sorry, um, bit of a weird one...

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I'm with a modelling agency. Could I have a quick word?

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Outside?

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Yeah, sure.

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Sorry, love, just sweeping round your legs.

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So, um, er, if you don't mind, if you could give us a little spin?

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Lovely, lovely figure.

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So, any plans for this weekend?

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Oh, um...

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I have. My boyfriend's taking me to this Tudor banquet.

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Cos he loves me.

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Oh, I want to go to that.

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Don't tell me I gave them all out in Milan.

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SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

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Can I get my husband to agree?

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Oh, well, do you know what I do when it's like that?

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Just book the tickets and tell him we're going.

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-Well, I should be getting back inside.

-Yes, um...

-Good for you.

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Yeah, anyway, I'd better get out of your way

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and let Hayley do your roots.

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If you're interested, then Google us at, er...Lady Models.

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OK, sure, thanks.

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Oh, where was I?

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Anyway, I turned up in a pencil skirt

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so it was all right in the end.

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-PATRICK:

-We were walking home, oh, all night long.

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Right, anyone who ain't Patrick, fuck off.

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Everything all right, Willy?

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That ginger lad, yeah?

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Did you give his mum some money?

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Look, I'm really sorry, Willy.

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She came up to me in the street the other day. She was a real mess.

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I didn't say the money was anything to do with her son

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and I didn't mention you or, or the boys.

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I made it clear that it was... it was my money.

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Shit, I'm so sorry. I should've...

0:09:220:09:25

How much did you give her?

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About...

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..five grand.

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There's double.

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Ten grand.

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What?

0:09:590:10:01

That's for you.

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Willy, I...

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You're a good man, Patrick.

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I wish I'd thought to do that, I do.

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Poor women. Not her fault her son's a dickhead, is it?

0:10:070:10:11

Um...no.

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You done a good thing, a beautiful thing.

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Well, she didn't seem to think so.

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Well, fuck her, then.

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Fuck her.

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Use that money to do something nice for yourself.

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Get a new suit or something.

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Or a blow job.

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TV: While Steve and Sarah take time to consider their options,

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I'm off to catch up with Mark and Charlotte...

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello?

0:10:470:10:48

It worked. Mrs Whelan, she just booked two tickets to the banquet.

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Yes!

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OK, speak soon.

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It worked. She bought two tickets.

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THEY SQUEAL

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Right, now there's just the small matter of

0:11:020:11:05

the battering to death with hammers.

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TV: ..which sounds like a terrible idea.

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Forgot to tell you, I booked two tickets to this...

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If you don't want to come, I'll find someone else.

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All right, I'll come.

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I don't have to dress up like a twat, though, do I?

0:11:320:11:35

No.

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It would be nice if just once you could wear a ruff.

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I've decided to take my Shirl on a night out.

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Got tickets for this here Tudor banquet.

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Nice.

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Yeah, Alan can drive us

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so tell him to stay off the piss Friday afternoon.

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Alan.

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Oh, and see if you can get me a ruff.

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Ruff.

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Right...

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While you're here, boss, there's something I got to tell you.

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Oh, yeah?

0:12:240:12:25

It's...

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-Shit, I'm sorry...

-No, no, no, no, it's all right,

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you stay there, son. You can say in front of Patrick. He's board level.

0:12:300:12:33

Quavers, the lad who shot the grass...

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Yeah, what about him?

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He's fucking absconded from your cousin's place. Got himself nicked.

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Oh, the silly twat.

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Has he talked?

0:12:440:12:46

Not yet, as far as I know.

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Well, we can't take the risk, though, can we?

0:12:470:12:50

He's pissed on his chips. Where is he?

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Ashbury.

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Get him gone.

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Qua-vers...

0:13:010:13:03

I'm going to try and find a fancy dress shop.

0:13:480:13:51

Can you find whatever you need to make the banner and stuff?

0:13:510:13:54

Yep.

0:13:540:13:56

Right, so I'll meet you back here in about an hour?

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Oh! While we're in town we should claim our free kebabs.

0:13:580:14:01

What? Leanne, no.

0:14:010:14:03

Yeah, why not?

0:14:030:14:04

Because you don't know who might see you - police, gang members.

0:14:040:14:07

Rhona, free kebab.

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Fine, do what you like.

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The meat's on those spinny things for days, you know?

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And it's dripping in saturates.

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I like satriates.

0:14:190:14:20

CAR LOCKS

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Ding dong!

0:14:300:14:32

Er, hello?

0:14:330:14:34

Big changes are coming in these ends, boys.

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We're going to be back in business - for real this time.

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I'm taking Whelan out. That's happening.

0:14:460:14:50

Then, same night, I want you boys to take out his lieutenants, yeah?

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All at the same time.

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End of The Godfather shit, you know, Night of The Long Knives,

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like we did in history, where we had to compare sources.

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I got their names and addresses.

0:15:010:15:04

Nez, you're going to do Trevor Haynes - goes by One Pack.

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Birdseye, you're going to do John Wilkes.

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Kemal, Patrick Daniels.

0:15:110:15:14

Remember these names and addresses, yeah? Then burn this paper.

0:15:140:15:18

And there were six of them in the back room in the kebab shop

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and he gave each one of them

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the name and address for the one they're going to kill.

0:15:240:15:27

I think we should rethink this whole thing.

0:15:270:15:30

But, look, he's a career criminal.

0:15:300:15:32

We knew that getting into this

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and he's going to do criminal things.

0:15:340:15:37

If he wants to go on a killing spree I'm not going to like it

0:15:370:15:40

but I'm certainly not going to feel responsible for it.

0:15:400:15:43

I dunno...

0:15:430:15:45

Leanne, we've been through all this, OK?

0:15:450:15:48

We are stuck like this as long as Whelan's alive.

0:15:480:15:52

How often are we going to find someone willing to voluntarily knock him off for us?

0:15:520:15:56

Look, when all this is over,

0:15:580:15:59

we'll make a donation to the Red Cross, OK?

0:15:590:16:01

A three-figure sum.

0:16:010:16:03

Now, please, drive us home.

0:16:040:16:06

I've bought us some Magnums and they're going to melt.

0:16:080:16:10

SHE SIGHS

0:16:290:16:30

MOTOR STARTS

0:16:420:16:43

CAR LOCKS

0:17:070:17:08

Patrick!

0:17:100:17:11

Patrick...

0:17:130:17:15

Leanne. What the fuck? How have you found me?

0:17:150:17:17

Patrick, just listen.

0:17:170:17:19

Are you out of your mind? I can't... We can't talk.

0:17:190:17:21

I know, I know, but just please listen.

0:17:210:17:23

I know you're back in the gang.

0:17:230:17:25

I...I dunno what you're talking about.

0:17:250:17:27

The Tudor banquet - it's a trap.

0:17:270:17:29

We've teamed up with the Erdem gang.

0:17:310:17:34

Oh, my God.

0:17:350:17:37

Oh, shit, Leanne, do not do this.

0:17:370:17:39

I can't stop it!

0:17:390:17:41

And now the Erdems, after they kill Willy,

0:17:410:17:43

they're coming for you. You have to leave town before tomorrow.

0:17:430:17:46

I can't be seen talking to you. Just go.

0:17:460:17:48

-Patrick!

-Just go!

0:17:480:17:50

Patrick, mate, what's up?

0:18:180:18:22

Um...

0:18:230:18:24

Sorry to call late.

0:18:240:18:25

Don't worry, mate. What's wrong? Something on your mind?

0:18:250:18:28

It's this Tudor banquet thing...

0:18:310:18:34

Yeah?

0:18:350:18:37

Um...

0:18:370:18:38

Don't go.

0:18:390:18:41

Don't go? Why not?

0:18:410:18:43

I dunno, I've just...

0:18:440:18:46

..just got a bad feeling about it.

0:18:470:18:49

I mean, what do we know about it? Who's running it, you know?

0:18:500:18:53

How do we know it's legit?

0:18:530:18:55

I dunno, I mean...

0:18:560:18:57

OK, the thing is...

0:19:000:19:01

I had a dream about it, and...

0:19:030:19:05

..my birth mum, you know, she...

0:19:070:19:09

..apparently had the gift.

0:19:100:19:11

All right.

0:19:200:19:21

All right, I'll give a swerve.

0:19:240:19:25

Saves me having to wear this fucking bollocks anyway, doesn't it?

0:19:260:19:30

Shirl!

0:19:430:19:44

Shirl, where's them tickets for the fucking...thing?

0:19:460:19:50

On the dresser!

0:19:500:19:51

PHONE RINGS

0:20:030:20:05

-Yeah.

-All right, mate, er...

0:20:100:20:13

I'm coming to the banquet tonight, mate,

0:20:130:20:15

and I'm just checking, is there parking, yeah?

0:20:150:20:17

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

0:20:170:20:19

And, er, you serve alcohol, yeah?

0:20:190:20:21

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:20:210:20:23

Beer, wine, cider, the lot.

0:20:230:20:24

Telefondaki kim?

0:20:240:20:26

Kimse degil, endiselenme!

0:20:260:20:28

All right, then, mate.

0:20:290:20:31

Er, well, we'll see you later, then. Looking forward to it.

0:20:310:20:34

What the fuck was that fucking language?

0:20:360:20:38

Pakistani, weren't it? Or Welsh.

0:20:380:20:41

No, no, no, no, no, it were fucking Greek or something.

0:20:410:20:44

Turkish.

0:20:510:20:52

PHONE RINGS DOWN THE LINE

0:21:080:21:10

Yeah?

0:21:110:21:12

Er, yeah, I just wondered if you had any tickets left for this banquet?

0:21:120:21:16

Nah, sold out, sorry.

0:21:160:21:17

PHONE RINGS

0:21:350:21:37

Hello?

0:21:420:21:43

Patrick, mate. Your hunch - fucking bang on, son.

0:21:430:21:47

-Yeah?

-Yeah, we looked into it, the banquet.

0:21:470:21:50

Fucking Erdems are behind it

0:21:500:21:52

and I don't think they're planning on serving me no fucking goose, do you know what I mean?

0:21:520:21:56

No, I think you must've got the gift off your old mum.

0:21:560:21:59

Anyway, get yourself down here now. All fucking hands on deck here.

0:21:590:22:03

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:22:030:22:04

We're going to ambush the ambush and have a fucking big bonfire.

0:22:040:22:09

This is going to go down in history as one of the fucking big moments.

0:22:090:22:12

Yeah, um... I'll see you, then.

0:22:120:22:14

Fuck yeah.

0:22:140:22:16

Evening, all.

0:22:270:22:28

I feel like fucking chicken tonight.

0:22:290:22:33

Here he is.

0:22:330:22:34

Man of the hour, Mystic fucking Meg! Come here.

0:22:340:22:39

Ha-ha! You ready for this?

0:22:390:22:42

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:22:420:22:43

Gentlemen, I have got a fucking stiffy right now.

0:22:430:22:49

Right, everyone clear what they're supposed to be doing?

0:22:510:22:54

No-one's an hero, no-one's a dickhead.

0:22:540:22:57

Stick to the plans, we'll be home before closing.

0:22:570:22:59

Come on.

0:22:590:23:00

TUDOR MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:030:23:06

Any sign?

0:23:090:23:10

Not yet.

0:23:120:23:14

SOFT CLATTERING

0:23:140:23:15

This is fucking it.

0:23:170:23:18

No, there's nobody there. It's probably just a pigeon or something.

0:23:370:23:41

GLASS SHATTERS

0:23:580:24:00

That wasn't a pigeon.

0:24:010:24:02

There's somebody there.

0:24:040:24:05

-It's locked.

-What?

0:24:250:24:27

It's Whelan. He knows.

0:24:270:24:29

# Alas, my love, you do me wrong

0:24:310:24:36

# To cast me off discourteously

0:24:360:24:41

# And I have loved you so long

0:24:410:24:45

# Delighting in your company

0:24:450:24:49

# Greensleeves was all my joy... #

0:24:510:24:55

Fuck!

0:24:550:24:56

# Greensleeves was my delight

0:24:560:25:00

# Greensleeves was my heart of gold

0:25:000:25:04

# And who but my lady Greensleeves? #

0:25:040:25:09

THEY SCREAM

0:25:090:25:10

Look at that.

0:25:120:25:13

Work of fucking art.

0:25:150:25:17

Consider yourselves made. Every single fucking one of you.

0:25:170:25:21

Here, come on, let's get a fucking selfie.

0:25:220:25:25

Anyone puts this on Facebook, I'll have his fucking bollocks.

0:25:260:25:30

EXPLOSION

0:25:300:25:32

Oh, look at that, lads!

0:25:320:25:34

Sweet justice.

0:25:340:25:36

Burn, you fuckers, burn!

0:25:360:25:39

HE YELLS

0:25:390:25:41

Right, then.

0:25:430:25:44

I'm going to treat you all to fucking tapas.

0:25:440:25:47

# Greensleeves was all my joy

0:25:530:25:57

# Greensleeves was my delight

0:25:570:26:02

# Greensleeves was my heart of gold

0:26:020:26:07

# And who but my lady Greensleeves? #

0:26:070:26:13

Leanne and Rhona need to lure Willy Whelan to their fake Tudor banquet, so that Baz can try to kill him 'with hammers'. An undercover escapade in a beauty salon convinces his wife to snap up the tickets, but there's a hitch.

Unbeknownst to them, some leaked information means their plan is riskier than they first thought. After eavesdropping on a secret plot by Baz and his friends, Leanne starts to get cold feet. Leanne and Rhona risk it all in their outlandish Tudor-themed stunt.

Meanwhile DJ Sound as F*** faces up to his crimes.


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