Episode 5 Witless

This programme contains some violent scenes and very strong language.

-Quavers, the lad who shot the grass, got himself nicked.

-Get him gone.

Leanne, what the fuck? How have you found me?

The Tudor banquet, it's a trap.

-It's this Tudor banquet thing...

-Yeah.

I've just got a bad feeling about it.

Your hunch? Fucking bang-on, son.

We're going to ambush the ambush, have a fucking big bonfire.

It's locked. It's Whelan, he knows.

Oh, look at that lads! Sweet justice!

Burn, you fuckers, burn!

Oh, look at that, lads! Burn, you fuckers, burn!

Right, I'm going to treat you all to tapas.

But you never had them other things, no?

-Er, no.

-Well, basically they're just like fucking chips

and spicy ketchup, but they're fucking lovely.

Hands where I can see 'em, boys.

Fuck.

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello.

Patrick, mate, your hunch, fucking bang-on, son.

-Yeah?

-The banquet, fucking Erdems are behind it.

Get yourself down here now, all fucking hands on deck here now,

we're going to ambush the ambush and have a fucking big bonfire.

Right.

I'm sorry. I never was.

I'm not pregnant.

I never was.

Leanne didn't know anything.

We really did think she was pregnant, I made her keep it up,

she didn't want to.

Look, are you out of your mind? I... We can't talk.

I know, I know, but please just listen.

I know you're back in the gang.

I know you're back in the gang.

I've gone back to an old line of work.

I'm doing things that aren't strictly legal.

Oh, you poor poppet. Nurses are so undervalued.

Nurses are so undervalued.

Of course I still want to talk to you, I'm your friend.

You are clearly a very talented, sensitive, good-hearted young man.

I fell in love, Patrick, with a man who was a master of the craft.

Leanne.

Shit, Leanne. Shit!

Come on, come on, come on. Answer. Pick up, pick up.

E-MAIL SENDS

Leanne, it's Patrick. I know this is you, call me urgently, please.

Come on, come on, come on. Reply.

Shit.

Fuck it.

Wilton, Wilton, there you are.

Right, front desk now. There's someone here wants to talk to us,

you're not going to be disappointed.

Can't you do it? I'm snowed under here.

-Well, this is big.

-Well, so is this.

Someone's written "twat" on the cenotaph.

Right, yeah.

Well, that's horrible, my grandad served.

But, seriously, you're going to want to talk to this person.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Right, then, I'm going to treat you all to tapas.

SCREAMING

Police! Stand back!

Police! Stand back!

Freeze! On the floor! ALARM BLARES

Hands where I can see 'em, boys.

Joseph Whelan...

..I'm arresting you for arson and conspiracy to murder

for a start-off.

You don't have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you

do not mention when questioned something which you

-later rely on in court.

-Mother had the fucking gift, did she?

-Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

-Look at me.

Do you understand?

Fucking look at me, you cunt!

Do you understand?

Fucking look at me!

Drop your weapon!

No, you fucking bastards!

That were a good man, that.

Hands in the air, nobody move.

Right, sign these.

-What's this?

-It's a legally binding waive of your right to sue us

for giving your names to the Whelan gang.

-Okey-dokey.

-What? No.

And in return, I won't ask what the hell you were planning to do

in that building tonight.

-OK, fair enough.

-So do I sign?

-Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sure you're keen to find out what today's events mean for you.

An informant from the Whelan gang came forward,

providing extensive information, including the tip-off about today.

Whelan himself was shot whilst trying to resist arrest.

He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Now, obviously, as police, that's not a result we celebrate,

we'd want to see him have his day in court.

Are you drinking Champagne?

No!

It's Cava.

Er, crucially, we've assessed your risk levels

and the team feels it's now safe for you both to go home.

-Thank you.

-Oh!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God, we're going home.

-It's over, ladies.

-Thank you.

You're more than welcome.

Can we have some fizz?

No.

-DC Wilton, it was Patrick, wasn't it?

-Sorry?

The informant. It was Patrick Daniels, I know it was...

I'm sorry, I'm not able to confirm or deny if it was...

I know, I know but I just want to thank him.

Well, I'm afraid that's not possible.

-Whoever it is...

-Patrick.

That informant is now himself in witness protection.

Oh, of course.

He would've known about that.

Oh, I'm sorry Leanne.

You were right about him.

And on the eighth count of murder, how do you plead?

Guilty, Your Honour.

And on the ninth count of murder, how do you plead?

Guilty, Your Honour.

Now, what I was thinking we could do with Pepe today

is just take a bit off to frame his face

and soften the shoulders a bit.

Yeah, just make sure you clip the shite from round its arse, love.

James.

Hi.

Rhona, hi.

So now, right, as well as my own commission,

I'll be getting 0.5% on everything my sub team does, yeah?

What about outside work? Do you have any hobbies?

-Yeah, I do have a hobby, actually.

-Ah?

Well, passion, really.

Don't tend to talk about it, though,

because some people do extract the Michael.

Oh, yeah? Well, tell me about it.

Well, I am an absolute nutter...

..for F1.

So, which one do I press?

-This one.

-Which one?

-AV1.

-Why does it say AV1?

I thought it was BT Vision.

It just does. Just press it.

You're doing great, just stick with it.

Thank you.

Here you go.

God, it feels like ages since we've seen each other.

-So much has happened.

-Yeah, I know, right.

Doesn't it seems weird now that just a matter of weeks ago

we were genuinely participating in a plot to kill a man with a hammer?

You know what? I like to see a job get done as much as the next person,

but I'm actually glad we didn't have to see that.

-Agreed. Cheers.

-Cheers.

So how's things?

Yeah, good. Good.

It's funny being back at work. It feels like I haven't been away.

-Yeah.

-Got my tickets booked

for this year's internal audit conference. Yawn.

No, it's a bit of a piss-up.

Watch out, Excel Centre.

Oh, I got an offer accepted on a flat.

Oh, amazing.

Yeah, I'm pretty psyched.

-Anyway, how about you?

-Good, yeah.

Work's good, um...

You know it's nice to see the dogs again,

you know, the non-biters, you know,

and I've got, um, a bra-fitting booked,

because, you know, you should... you should, you know, ever year.

Leanne... Leanne, what's wrong?

I don't know, I'm sorry.

Come on.

I know it sounds mad, but...

-..I wish we were still in wit pro.

-What? Why?

Because I don't want to be Leanne Stubbs again.

Like, I prefer Mystique,

or Julie Evans, salesperson of the month.

They were exciting interesting people and they did cool stuff

and people liked them.

Leanne Stubbs is just bloody Leanne Stubbs.

Yeah, but those people were Leanne Stubbs, though.

Oh, you know what I mean.

Well, no, I don't.

You did those things, Leanne.

People liked you.

Do you know what I think?

I think, in some weird way, witness protection was good for you

because it made you start again,

and turns out you're good at that.

I guess so.

Like, really good.

So you can do it again,

and I don't think you need the threat of impending assassination

to do it.

You can do whatever you want, Leanne.

Believe me.

Well, what do I want?

I don't know, what do you want?

Leanne?

Prince has had an accident. Can you bring me the mop and the poo towel?

Paula, I'm not coming in tomorrow.

What? Why not?

-Or the day after that.

-What are you talking about?

-I'm leaving.

-What?

I'm sorry. Don't worry about paying me for the week.

Leanne?

Leanne!

DOORBELL RINGS

SHE SNORTS

Leanne?

Leanne?

Yes?

Hi, sorry, I was actually looking for DC Wilton?

Transferred out the borough.

Promoted. And why not? She's...she's a great detective.

So am I.

I'm a man and I've got rather a pale hue,

and that's really unfashionable at the moment.

OK. Er, well, look, you might remember me,

I was one of the witnesses to the Parson's Lane shooting?

I'm a police detective, love.

I deal with a lot of shootings.

Right, but you do remember this one?

Yeah.

OK, well, look, the thing is, I'm seriously worried.

My friend, the other witness, she's gone missing

and I'm just really frightened that something's happened to her.

-Missing, how?

-Well, she's not responding to my texts,

um, I went round to her flat and there was no-one there,

so I looked through the letterbox and there's just piles of...

Yeah, yeah, um, you see me, deal with crime.

This...not crime.

Sorry.

Hey, um...

Do you like Italian food?

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

No, not that, that's for the gravy.

Those sprouts done, Rhona?

-Mm?

-The sprouts, Rhona? Are you keeping an eye on them?

Yeah. Sorry, a couple of minutes.

OK, my go, is it?

-Film.

-The Spy Who Loved Me.

How did you know that?

Because you do it every year, Dad.

Mum, your turn, not Love Actually.

Right.

-MESSAGE ALERT

-OK. It's three words.

You're meant to sign it, dear, not tell us.

Oh, well, I've said it already now, it's three words.

No, that's syllables.

Right. Three words, film.

Wonderful.

It's A Wonderful Life.

Yes!

Four words, It's A Wonderful Life is four words.

Is it? Oh, yes.

I'll blame it on the sherry. You go, Rhona.