Episode 5 Witless


Episode 5

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This programme contains some violent scenes and very strong language.

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-Quavers, the lad who shot the grass, got himself nicked.

-Get him gone.

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Leanne, what the fuck? How have you found me?

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The Tudor banquet, it's a trap.

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-It's this Tudor banquet thing...

-Yeah.

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I've just got a bad feeling about it.

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Your hunch? Fucking bang-on, son.

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We're going to ambush the ambush, have a fucking big bonfire.

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It's locked. It's Whelan, he knows.

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Oh, look at that lads! Sweet justice!

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Burn, you fuckers, burn!

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Oh, look at that, lads! Burn, you fuckers, burn!

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Right, I'm going to treat you all to tapas.

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But you never had them other things, no?

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-Er, no.

-Well, basically they're just like fucking chips

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and spicy ketchup, but they're fucking lovely.

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Hands where I can see 'em, boys.

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Fuck.

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PHONE VIBRATES

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Hello.

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Patrick, mate, your hunch, fucking bang-on, son.

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-Yeah?

-The banquet, fucking Erdems are behind it.

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Get yourself down here now, all fucking hands on deck here now,

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we're going to ambush the ambush and have a fucking big bonfire.

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Right.

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I'm sorry. I never was.

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I'm not pregnant.

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I never was.

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Leanne didn't know anything.

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We really did think she was pregnant, I made her keep it up,

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she didn't want to.

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Look, are you out of your mind? I... We can't talk.

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I know, I know, but please just listen.

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I know you're back in the gang.

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I know you're back in the gang.

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I've gone back to an old line of work.

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I'm doing things that aren't strictly legal.

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Oh, you poor poppet. Nurses are so undervalued.

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Nurses are so undervalued.

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Of course I still want to talk to you, I'm your friend.

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You are clearly a very talented, sensitive, good-hearted young man.

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I fell in love, Patrick, with a man who was a master of the craft.

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Leanne.

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Shit, Leanne. Shit!

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Come on, come on, come on. Answer. Pick up, pick up.

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E-MAIL SENDS

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Leanne, it's Patrick. I know this is you, call me urgently, please.

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Come on, come on, come on. Reply.

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Shit.

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Fuck it.

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Wilton, Wilton, there you are.

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Right, front desk now. There's someone here wants to talk to us,

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you're not going to be disappointed.

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Can't you do it? I'm snowed under here.

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-Well, this is big.

-Well, so is this.

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Someone's written "twat" on the cenotaph.

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Right, yeah.

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Well, that's horrible, my grandad served.

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But, seriously, you're going to want to talk to this person.

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Oh, Jesus Christ.

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Right, then, I'm going to treat you all to tapas.

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SCREAMING

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Police! Stand back!

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Police! Stand back!

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Freeze! On the floor! ALARM BLARES

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Hands where I can see 'em, boys.

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Joseph Whelan...

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..I'm arresting you for arson and conspiracy to murder

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for a start-off.

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You don't have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you

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do not mention when questioned something which you

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-later rely on in court.

-Mother had the fucking gift, did she?

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-Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

-Look at me.

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Do you understand?

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Fucking look at me, you cunt!

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Do you understand?

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Fucking look at me!

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Drop your weapon!

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No, you fucking bastards!

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That were a good man, that.

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Hands in the air, nobody move.

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Right, sign these.

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-What's this?

-It's a legally binding waive of your right to sue us

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for giving your names to the Whelan gang.

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-Okey-dokey.

-What? No.

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And in return, I won't ask what the hell you were planning to do

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in that building tonight.

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-OK, fair enough.

-So do I sign?

-Yeah. Yeah.

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I'm sure you're keen to find out what today's events mean for you.

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An informant from the Whelan gang came forward,

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providing extensive information, including the tip-off about today.

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Whelan himself was shot whilst trying to resist arrest.

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He was pronounced dead at the scene.

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Now, obviously, as police, that's not a result we celebrate,

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we'd want to see him have his day in court.

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Are you drinking Champagne?

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No!

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It's Cava.

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Er, crucially, we've assessed your risk levels

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and the team feels it's now safe for you both to go home.

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-Thank you.

-Oh!

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Oh, thank you.

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Oh, my God, we're going home.

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-It's over, ladies.

-Thank you.

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You're more than welcome.

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Can we have some fizz?

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No.

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-DC Wilton, it was Patrick, wasn't it?

-Sorry?

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The informant. It was Patrick Daniels, I know it was...

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I'm sorry, I'm not able to confirm or deny if it was...

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I know, I know but I just want to thank him.

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Well, I'm afraid that's not possible.

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-Whoever it is...

-Patrick.

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That informant is now himself in witness protection.

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Oh, of course.

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He would've known about that.

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Oh, I'm sorry Leanne.

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You were right about him.

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And on the eighth count of murder, how do you plead?

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Guilty, Your Honour.

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And on the ninth count of murder, how do you plead?

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Guilty, Your Honour.

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Now, what I was thinking we could do with Pepe today

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is just take a bit off to frame his face

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and soften the shoulders a bit.

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Yeah, just make sure you clip the shite from round its arse, love.

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James.

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Hi.

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Rhona, hi.

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So now, right, as well as my own commission,

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I'll be getting 0.5% on everything my sub team does, yeah?

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What about outside work? Do you have any hobbies?

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-Yeah, I do have a hobby, actually.

-Ah?

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Well, passion, really.

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Don't tend to talk about it, though,

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because some people do extract the Michael.

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Oh, yeah? Well, tell me about it.

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Well, I am an absolute nutter...

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..for F1.

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So, which one do I press?

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-This one.

-Which one?

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-AV1.

-Why does it say AV1?

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I thought it was BT Vision.

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It just does. Just press it.

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You're doing great, just stick with it.

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Thank you.

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Here you go.

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God, it feels like ages since we've seen each other.

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-So much has happened.

-Yeah, I know, right.

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Doesn't it seems weird now that just a matter of weeks ago

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we were genuinely participating in a plot to kill a man with a hammer?

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You know what? I like to see a job get done as much as the next person,

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but I'm actually glad we didn't have to see that.

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-Agreed. Cheers.

-Cheers.

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So how's things?

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Yeah, good. Good.

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It's funny being back at work. It feels like I haven't been away.

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-Yeah.

-Got my tickets booked

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for this year's internal audit conference. Yawn.

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No, it's a bit of a piss-up.

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Watch out, Excel Centre.

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Oh, I got an offer accepted on a flat.

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Oh, amazing.

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Yeah, I'm pretty psyched.

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-Anyway, how about you?

-Good, yeah.

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Work's good, um...

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You know it's nice to see the dogs again,

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you know, the non-biters, you know,

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and I've got, um, a bra-fitting booked,

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because, you know, you should... you should, you know, ever year.

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Leanne... Leanne, what's wrong?

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I don't know, I'm sorry.

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Come on.

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I know it sounds mad, but...

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-..I wish we were still in wit pro.

-What? Why?

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Because I don't want to be Leanne Stubbs again.

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Like, I prefer Mystique,

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or Julie Evans, salesperson of the month.

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They were exciting interesting people and they did cool stuff

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and people liked them.

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Leanne Stubbs is just bloody Leanne Stubbs.

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Yeah, but those people were Leanne Stubbs, though.

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Oh, you know what I mean.

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Well, no, I don't.

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You did those things, Leanne.

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People liked you.

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Do you know what I think?

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I think, in some weird way, witness protection was good for you

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because it made you start again,

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and turns out you're good at that.

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I guess so.

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Like, really good.

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So you can do it again,

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and I don't think you need the threat of impending assassination

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to do it.

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You can do whatever you want, Leanne.

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Believe me.

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Well, what do I want?

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I don't know, what do you want?

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Leanne?

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Prince has had an accident. Can you bring me the mop and the poo towel?

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Paula, I'm not coming in tomorrow.

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What? Why not?

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-Or the day after that.

-What are you talking about?

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-I'm leaving.

-What?

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I'm sorry. Don't worry about paying me for the week.

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Leanne?

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Leanne!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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SHE SNORTS

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Leanne?

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Leanne?

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Yes?

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Hi, sorry, I was actually looking for DC Wilton?

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Transferred out the borough.

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Promoted. And why not? She's...she's a great detective.

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So am I.

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I'm a man and I've got rather a pale hue,

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and that's really unfashionable at the moment.

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OK. Er, well, look, you might remember me,

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I was one of the witnesses to the Parson's Lane shooting?

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I'm a police detective, love.

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I deal with a lot of shootings.

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Right, but you do remember this one?

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Yeah.

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OK, well, look, the thing is, I'm seriously worried.

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My friend, the other witness, she's gone missing

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and I'm just really frightened that something's happened to her.

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-Missing, how?

-Well, she's not responding to my texts,

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um, I went round to her flat and there was no-one there,

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so I looked through the letterbox and there's just piles of...

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Yeah, yeah, um, you see me, deal with crime.

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This...not crime.

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Sorry.

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Hey, um...

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Do you like Italian food?

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LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

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No, not that, that's for the gravy.

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Those sprouts done, Rhona?

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-Mm?

-The sprouts, Rhona? Are you keeping an eye on them?

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Yeah. Sorry, a couple of minutes.

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OK, my go, is it?

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-Film.

-The Spy Who Loved Me.

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How did you know that?

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Because you do it every year, Dad.

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Mum, your turn, not Love Actually.

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Right.

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-MESSAGE ALERT

-OK. It's three words.

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You're meant to sign it, dear, not tell us.

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Oh, well, I've said it already now, it's three words.

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No, that's syllables.

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Right. Three words, film.

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Wonderful.

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It's A Wonderful Life.

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Yes!

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Four words, It's A Wonderful Life is four words.

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Is it? Oh, yes.

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I'll blame it on the sherry. You go, Rhona.

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