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The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.
Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,
you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.
Mr T is on a special mission.
He's been searching far and wide,
assembling an army of extraordinary individuals.
People who boldly venture where others fear to tread.
People who dare to do things differently.
People who aren't afraid to ask questions like,
"Can I fit in that? What's through that door?
"And do I really need a parachute?"
He's found the stupidest, clumsiest, most dangerous people on the planet.
He's found the World's Craziest Fools.
Are you ready for 30 minutes of crazy and amazing foolishness?
You best be, sucker, cos you're watching my show.
You're in MY world now.
I found some wacky people for you. They going to blow your mind.
I got fools wrecking cars, I got fools messing with sledgehammers,
I got fools attacking lions!
But before all that is this!
This guy thinks he can break the world record for smashing coconuts!
# I got it... heeeeeey!
# I got something' that makes me want to shout
# I got something' that tells me what it's all about. #
My advice? Stick to peaches or bananas, or maybe plums.
Basically any soft fruit. It takes strong fists to defeat hard fruit.
This man is about to unleash some fury upon a bunch of cinderblocks that were asking for it.
Come on, man! Hurt those cinderblocks!
They're mocking you. They're calling you names.
Make them taste your pain!
He's showing them mercy. It's the true sign of a champion.
Sometimes it takes more strength just to walk away.
Time for some more tae.
Work the shin. OK? Work the shin.
Take it away, champ!
OK. Going to try one more time.
Doesn't want to break, huh?
Hey, who's back there in the background?
Is that you, Balboa? I want you, Balboa!
You owe me a rematch. Grrr. You're still dead meat. Grrr.
This guy is the master of suspense.
Look at him teasing us.
Stop teasing us and show me some anger!
Watch out for the guy in the background.
Did you see him? Of course you did! Because I told you.
Listening to Mr T always pays off.
That was exciting! What's next?
Life in the army can be tough.
When you're out there in the field, it's cold, it's wet,
and there ain't no hair gel. Here's a list of tips I put together
to make a soldier's day a little easier.
Rule number one: your rifle is your best friend. Treat it that way.
# I won't let you in again
# The messages I've tried to send
# My information's just not going in
# Burning' bridges shore to shore
# I break away from something more
# I'm not turned on to love until it's cheap
# Been there, done that, messed around
# I'm having fun, don't put me down
# I've never let you sweep me off my feet
# This time, baby
# I'll be
# This time, baby
# I'll be
LAUGHTER IN AUDIENCE
Rule number two: if your rifle is your best friend
then your rocket launcher is your second-best friend.
It's like the guy that WOULD be your best friend if your real best friend isn't around.
Anyway, make sure it works.
Rule number three: your machine gun is your third-best friend.
Look, all the weapons are your friends.
That's what I'm trying to say. Treat them right.
Rule number four: make sure you recce your terrain before attempting an assault.
For future reference, mud is not so great to land on.
# This time, baby
# I'll be
# Bullet-proof. #
Rule number five: stay vigilant at all times. You never know when an attack is coming.
Rule number six...
..make sure you use your downtime productively.
Rule number seven:
if you're a pilot, check your brakes.
Don't worry, he's OK.
He got lucky this time.
Rule number eight: if you're a foot soldier,
check your brakes.
Rule number nine:
if I shout "Incoming!", hit the deck.
Good work, Soldier!
Of course, some people don't like the idea of being a soldier at all.
Have a listen to this.
In Poland, every young man is called up to the army at the age of 18.
On receiving his letter, one bright spark decided the best way to get out of doing military service
would be to fail his medical.
Figuring a few nasty scratches would do the trick,
he went to Wroclaw Zoo, climbed inside the lion cage,
and began taunting a lion.
He shouted at it, slapped it, and pulled its mane.
The lion bit his arm off.
The man was excused military service for the rest of his life...
..but later admitted that the sacrifice was perhaps not worth it.
The lion's lucky he didn't try and mess with me.
Listen up, animals!
I don't care who you are, or what kind of clothes you've got.
If you try to eat my arm off, I'll eat your arm off!
Got it? Good!
The first question of the driving test should be,
"Are you a fool?"
If the answer's "yes", no vehicle's for you.
Strap yourself in!
It's time for some dumb driving.
Parallel park, three-point turn.
Reverse around the corner.
Here's a guy who's bored of doing the same old manoeuvres.
He's trying out a different manoeuvre.
He made this one up all on his own.
It doesn't have a name yet.
I hate ticket machines.
They're always getting up in my face, trying to tell me who's boss.
Sometimes you've got to teach them a lesson.
That's right, ticket machine!
You will think twice before messing with this lady again!
Yellow ticket machines are just as irritating as red ticket machines.
In fact, they are more irritating...
because I hate the colour yellow!
I once got so angry at a ticket machine,
I smashed it up using another ticket machine!
Then I was also angry at it.
It was not a good day for the ticket machines!
Next up, it's time for some pain in Spain.
This guy's got the right idea.
If you're parking your car, and there ain't no space,
make a space!
Sometimes you've got to take charge of your own destiny.
Up next, it's a lady driving through a gate.
I like this car!
It just wants to have its belly tickled!
Look at it.
I want to reach right in through the television and give it a little rub.
I'm not going to do it, though.
I'll break the television!
This car is far too small.
There's no way you can drive a car like this!
Even if you manage to squeeze yourself inside,
you will never get your legs and feet in the right place...
to push the pedals.
And I ain't even going to think about how you're going to move...
..the steering wheel.
This car is dangerous!
Get a bigger car, sucker!
These guys are letting their friend drive their car for the first time.
These guys must be good friends.
Even though their buddy had no idea what he was doing,
they let him try out their car anyway.
Listen up, men. If you want to propose to your lady,
then you better be a romantic about it.
Buy her flowers, cook her a kind of light dinner,
take her to a monster truck show, but above all else,
make sure she's going to say yes.
There's a little marriage proposal going on at midcourt right now.
I really can't imagine doing that. That's under pressure, isn't it?
Whatever you did worked. You're still married. How many years?
-40 years. People ought to be asking you how to do it.
I tell you, if I did it that way,
she'd have probably kneed me while I'm down there.
You know what, I'm just waiting once for the gal to say no.
-You know, that would be...
-But she has to say yes there.
She may say "No" as soon as they walk off the court.
Oh, I think she's saying, "I can't do it right now.
"I really like you a lot, but let's just be friends." Look at this, wow.
Well, how do you like that?
That young man, he'll properly get over it in 10 or 12 years or so.
MUSIC: "She Said" by Plan B
-Here it is.
-Yeah, "Will you be my blueshirt bride?" Look at that.
I guess she needs time to think about it. "Let's talk about a prenup."
OK, Cathy, on your marks, get set, go! And she's off.
Is she hot or cold? Let's hear it, fans.
She's running around. Where is she? Where's the Chevy Chase Bank man?
She's getting hotter. Hotter! Yo, she's found him!
Congratulations, Cathy, you've just won a pair of tickets
to a future Washington Wizards game,
but Cathy, we have another surprise for you.
Honey, honey, honey.
Honey, will you marry me?
We met here one year ago. Right in front of this synagogue.
-And when we did, I was dizzy in your presence.
-Dizzy in your presence.
-Oh, my God.
Caroline, I love everything about you.
# Sweet Caroline
# Ba, ba, ba
# Good times never seemed so good
# I've been inclined
# Ba, ba, ba
# To believe it never would. #
Make me the happiest, most dizzy man in the world and, please,
will you marry me?
Oh, my God. That is brutal!
I feel for those men. I do.
They got lots of love to give and there's nothing wrong with that.
I hope one day they find someone who can love them right back.
Now listen to this.
An unhappily married couple in Jordan got a nasty shock
when they both started cheating on each other at the same time.
The woman secretly decided to seek a new lover on an internet dating site.
Meanwhile, her husband had also decided
to initiate a hot and steamy internet affair.
Eventually, they both arranged
to meet their new lovers for the first time.
It was only then when they met up face-to-face that they realised
they had in fact been cheating on each other with each other.
The couple are now divorced.
When you walk past a building site and you see a man in a hard hat,
you know you're looking at a hard-working hero.
I can't wear a hard hat myself because it messes with my hair.
But that doesn't stop me from respecting them anyway.
Building stuff can be tough.
Pipe cutting can be boring work.
This guy's spicing it up by combining it
with a game of bucking Broncos.
MUSIC: "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina Aguilera
You see, a little imagination
and suddenly pipe cutting is twice as amazing.
This is a great day for pipe cutting.
Take a look at this guy.
He doesn't need a bulldozer. He doesn't need an axe.
He doesn't even need a hardhat to demolish this house.
All he needs is a rock.
Give me a rock and I'll conquer the world. Who said that? I did.
Just now. Write it down.
Belgium. These workers are trying to move a statue
that's over 100 years old.
Careful with that, fool. Some of the best things on the planet are old.
You wouldn't do that with Bruce Forsyth.
Look at this fool.
"Oh, no, what's happening? I left the handbrake off."
Trust in God, but check your brakes.
OK, listen up. It's time for another of Mr T's physics lessons.
A crane is parked next to a bridge.
The top of the crane weighs 10 times.
The bottom of the crane weighs two times. The bridge is 60 metres high.
Here's the question.
Where the heck is my keys?
I'm sure I put them in my pocket this morning.
Now I can't find them anywhere. Call me if you know the answer.
You want to see something great? Take a look at this foreman.
He's parked his car right where the smokestack's going to fall,
just to entertain his men.
That put a smile on everyone's face.
They're going to work double hard this afternoon, believe me.
Let me tell you a story.
It's about a guy who met a girl and got her phone number.
Then he called her up to ask her out. So far so good.
This is what happened next.
I want you to imagine you're on a boat in the middle of the sea.
The water's rocking you from side to side.
The wind is rushing through your mohawk. How do you feel?
Pretty peaceful? Wrong. Danger can strike at any time.
You're never safe on a boat. You should never have closed your eyes in the first place!
Here are some rules for boating fools.
Rule number one. Take care when docking your boat.
If you're not sure what land is,
it's the brown stuff that comes after the blue stuff.
Rule number two.
Be careful when moving about your boat.
Are you all right?
Rule number three, be careful when jumping into the sea.
Rule number four, wear a life jacket at all times.
You'll never know when the sea will claim you.
Rule number five, don't drive your boat into another boat.
He's a wrecking machine! He will knock you into tomorrow.
Rule number six, boat time and disco time are two separate times.
They should not mix.
MUSIC: "Cupid Shuffle" by Cupid
Don't take a cruise on a ship of fools.
That's it. The show is over. We have had an amazing time.
We have laughed, we've cried, we've held each other tight.
Before I say goodbye, I'd like to share my final thought.
If you're going to be a fool, at least be a fool with dreams.
Maybe then one day you won't be a fool at all. See you next time.
So long, suckas!
# I pity the fool
# I say, I pity the fool
# Oh, I pity the fool
# I say, I pity the fool
# That falls in love with you and expects you to be true
# I pity the fool
# Look at the people, I know you're wondering what they're doing
# They're just standing there, watching you make a fool of me. #