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The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.
Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,
you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.
Mr T is on a special mission.
He's been searching far and wide,
assembling an army of extraordinary individuals.
People who boldly venture where others fear to tread.
People who dare to do things differently.
People who aren't afraid to ask questions like,
can I fit in that?
What's through that door? And, do I really need a parachute?
He's found the stupidest, clumsiest, most dangerous people on the planet.
He's found the world's craziest fools.
Welcome to my show.
Today we got fools from all over the world.
That's right, no-one's safe.
You think you're safe in Poland? Wrong.
You think you're safe in Canada? Incorrect.
You think you're safe in Scotland? Yeah, I'm talking to you,
hiding up there in John O'Groats. Wait till you see what's coming.
First have a look at this.
If you like to drink, sometimes it's hard to know when to stop.
The correct answer is, about ten drinks before any of these guys.
Take a look at this.
This lady was pulled over for erratic driving.
The police officer lets her off with a caution.
You think she deserves only a caution?
You ain't even seen what she's capable of!
Take a look at this.
MUSIC: "Danger (Been So Long) by Mystikal ft Nivea
What a fool!
Look at this drunk fool.
He's been arrested and brought to the police station for questioning.
He's not even in prison yet and he's already trying to bust out.
Nice try, Shortcake!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
The Netherlands in Holland.
This guy's having trouble parking.
He's parking it, right?
Now, I am a self-made, self-trained, self-taught
and self-educated man in the field of foolishness.
I hold three doctor's degrees in the study of foolology
and I know a fool when I see one, and this guy's a fool.
Mr T's got a little game for you now.
It's called Spot The Drunk Guy.
I'll give you a clue.
"Dude, where's my car?"
It's the big metal thing at the end of your face.
Here's a guy who had one too many beers and five too many tequilas.
The police have asked him to walk a straight line.
Can he do it?
Don't give me no back talk, sucker,
and don't give me no back flip either.
Guess what. It's another loser been driving drunk.
Let's see if this one can walk a straight line.
Hold on to the end of that tape for me, real tight?
Now, can we set that on the ground right there in front of you.
Whoa. He can't even stand up.
You know you're drunk when the ground walks up to you
and punches you in the face.
Serbia. This old-timer been given the breathalyser.
Poor guy, he thinks it's another bottle.
I love these cops.
They can't even arrest him! They're laughing too hard.
OK, enough laughing officers, arrest that man, he's dangerous!
This could go on for hours.
Let's stop watching this and watch something else.
This guy's so drunk he has driven into a liquor store.
I'm not sure this guy needs any more liquor.
Seems like he's in enough trouble already.
Here's a little message for you - stay alive, don't drink and drive.
I made a rhyme, so even someone as stupid as you should remember.
What do you do if you see a drunk driver? That's right.
You call the police and report it.
If you can't get through to the police, then you call up Mr T.
Either way, you get on the phone and you tell someone.
Now take a look at these fools.
MUSIC: "Smash Somethin'" by Redman
I used to be in the army and I know that even the best soldiers
can have a bad day from time to time.
Take a look at these guys.
MUSIC: "Firework" by Katy Perry
This is a Greek soldier from Greeceland.
He's doing some regular training exercise
when a friend comes along to join him.
Check out this dog.
He's got a lot of love to give and there ain't nothing wrong with that.
You should always be ready to receive love,
no matter what you doing.
Inside this truck there's a soldier messing with a tear gas canister
he shouldn't be messing with.
Remember, these canisters are not designed for fun.
It's tear gas, not smart gas.
You let it off, you're going to do some cries.
A missile test on the back of a US navy aircraft carrier.
Three, two, one.
If they need that thing fixing, they know where to reach me.
The first casualty of war is innocence, the second is this guy.
Let's hope he's not too sore in the morning.
Next up, this happened.
You've got to try and make it.
If you go quick, you'll be fine.
Go faster, faster, faster. Go!
Look out for your head, people,
it's where all the happy thoughts are made.
Here's some soldiers doing some RPG training.
Keep your eye on the one on the end.
Don't worry, soldier. I don't blame you, I blame the gun.
That weapon is a disgrace to its country. It should be ashamed!
Keep practising and you will get there one day.
I don't know where there is, but you'll get there!
Welcome to Russia.
I'm speechless. I don't often say that.
I've seen enough.
Here's some soldiers
trying to do some synchronised jumping jacks.
Moving quickly and warily is the best way to distract your enemy.
One, two, three. One, two, three.
Ain't no way they'll get you
if you jumping up and down and acting crazy.
One, two, three, four.
How many times do I have to tell you people?
I don't like getting on planes.
This is why.
Does this look like fun to you?
Tell me, does it look like fun?
This is not fun.
This is why I stick to boats, cars and trains.
He's free now. He's going to land safely, but I prefer the bus.
As you can see, it's tough in the army.
Here's five tips on how to be a good soldier.
don't let children play with your weapons.
They may look sweet and innocent, but they can turn at any time.
always be prepared to improvise.
If you run out of sandbags,
grab the nearest sand-coloured thing and jump on its back.
keep your mind on the job at all times.
Yes, that goes for you too, tiny man in the middle.
if you're going on a long journey, don't forget to fill up on petrol.
You at the back, stop pretending to push.
Throw your weight into it, man.
when serving in a foreign country,
try to form a strong relationship with the locals.
Sometimes you have to go above and beyond the call of duty
to help them feel at ease.
If you can't handle that
then maybe you're not cut out to be a soldier.
MUSIC: "Dirty Face" by Example
That was exciting! What's next?
Now, I'm tough, but even I would be hesitant about going ten rounds
in the ring with that guy.
Only kidding. I would eat him alive.
When is it happening? Bring it on!
Now, anyone who knows Mr T, knows I don't like criminals.
They make me mad.
Other things that make me mad include pollution,
raisins in my salad
and people who interrupt me when I'm watching A Team re-runs.
But none of those things make me as mad as criminals.
Take a look at these losers.
MUSIC: "Beautiful Nightmare" by Beyonce
This guy's been caught on camera breaking into a golf shack.
Once he's in, he can't get back out.
Why are you trying to open that window?
Let me tell you what it's going to be like in prison.
It's going to be hard, lonely.
And some big guys are going to come up to you, and tell you
they want to be your friends, but you want to stay away from them.
I got carried away.
The point is, don't steal stuff.
Here's another lawbreaker
who thinks he can take someone's money and get away with it.
Now he can't get out.
What a fool!
Seems like this guy hates being trapped in a room.
It could be worse. I could be in there with him.
Here's another dumb criminal.
Of course he's dumb, all criminals are dumb.
This one walks into a bank in Arkansas
and hands over a note demanding money.
He obviously didn't do his homework,
cos he doesn't notice there's a cop sitting right behind him.
The two of them are going to tango all the way to the police station.
This is a pharmacy in Florida.
Looks like crime figures are through the roof again.
Fools profess to be wise, but they are ignorant.
They can't do no better because they don't know no better.
They are fools. The mind is a terrible thing to waste,
and fools, they have wasted theirs.
This guy had better head straight to the aspirin aisle
because he's going to have a huge headache in the morning.
-'Disregard the call.'
Here's a burglar trying to escape the law by climbing a fence.
This is the definition of being caught with your pants down.
You dumb fool.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Check this out.
A burglar breaks into a store by smashing the door on the left.
Then he tries to leave through the door on the right.
If you listen to your parents, you would know wrong from right. Toerag!
It never fails to amaze me how dumb criminals can be.
You think you've seen the dumbest,
then someone even dumber comes along and out-dumbs them.
Like this guy.
A woman from Pennsylvania
came home one evening to find her house had been burgled.
Her windows were smashed and two diamond rings,
worth more than 3,000, had gone missing.
The woman was completely distraught
until she noticed that her computer was switched on.
It seemed the burglar had taken a break from robbing
to surf the internet and check his Facebook account.
He'd then forgotten to log off before he left.
Police had no trouble tracking him down.
The hapless but socially connected burglar
now faces up to ten years behind bars.
Seriously, don't mess with the law.
This guy thinks he can break the world record for smashing coconuts.
My advice - stick to peaches or bananas,
or maybe plums.
Basically any soft fruit. It takes strong fists to defeat hard fruit.
This man is about to unleash some fury
upon a bunch of cinder blocks that were asking for it.
Come on, man.
Hurt those cinder blocks. They are mocking you.
They are calling you names. Make them taste your pain.
He's showing them mercy.
That's the true sign of a champion.
Sometime it takes more strength just to walk away.
Time for some more tae.
Work the shin, OK?
Work the shin.
Take it away, champ.
OK, we try one more time.
Doesn't want to break, huh?
Hey, who's back there in the background?
Is that you, Balboa?
I want you, Balboa. You owe me a rematch.
Grrr! You're still dead meat. Grrrr!
This guy, he's the master of suspense.
Look at him teasing us.
Stop teasing us and show me some anger!
Watch out for the guy in the background.
Did you see him? Of course you did, because I told you.
Listening to Mr T always pays off.
That's the end of the show.
Some of you are going to turn off your TVs and go to bed,
because you're good people
and you appreciate the benefit of a early night.
But before you do, here's my final thought.
Whatever you do, make sure you've got a plan.
If you fail to plan, you planning to fail.
See you next time. So long, suckers.
# Well, I pity the fool... #
Gaaah! Uh! Uh! Uh!
# You know, I pity the fool
# I said, I pity the fool
# She'll break your heart one day
# Then she'll laugh as she walks away
# Yeah, I pity the fool
# Well, look at the people
# Makes you wonder what they're doing
# They're just standing there... #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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