Episode 4 World's Craziest Fools


Episode 4

Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, in a mixture of clips, animation and funny phone calls.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.

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Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,

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you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.

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Mr T is on a special mission. He's been searching far and wide,

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assembling an army of extraordinary individuals -

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people who boldly adventure where others fear to tread,

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people who dare to do things differently.

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People who aren't afraid to ask questions like, "Can I fit in that?"

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"What's through that door?" and, "Do I really need a parachute?"

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He's found the stupidest, clumsiest, most dangerous people on the planet.

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He's found the World's Craziest Fools.

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This programme contains some strong language.

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CLASSICAL MUSIC

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RECORD RIPS

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If you looking for some nice, safe television, then this ain't it.

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In fact, things are going to get pretty mean around here.

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We got fools with chainsaws, we got fools breaking the law,

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we got karate fools with fists flying,

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and feet jumping all over the place. Do you think you can handle it?

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Do you think you can handle me?

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Good. Cos this is BBC Three, the toughest channel on television.

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RECORD RIPS AND CLASSICAL MUSIC RESUMES

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Humans can't fly yet, but one day they will.

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And when mankind achieve their power of flight,

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these people will be seen as brave pioneers. Play the clips!

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Russia. They don't get BBC Three in Russia,

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so the kids there have to make their own entertainment.

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On your marks. One, two...

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SHE SCREAMS

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MUSIC: "Jump" by Flo Rida and Nelly Furtado

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Woo-hoo! Who needs TV anyhow, when you can bungee off a building?

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A game of basketball.

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This guy's not just happy putting a ball through the hoops,

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he want to put himself through the hoops.

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Now that's a jump shot!

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Look at this beautiful scene.

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< He's not stopping.

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< Oh-ho! Ow!

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Sometimes we reach too far.

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But if it wasn't for guys like this trying,

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we would never have achieved amazing stuff.

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Like landing on the moon or inventing cheese.

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What's going on over here?

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Looks like another guy invented a new sport.

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I don't know what the rules are. Did this guy win?

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I just made myself a referee and I say he didn't.

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LAUGHTER Oh, my God!

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Is your back all right?

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Now take a look at this fool.

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What happened? I took a sip of apple juice and missed it.

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Why is there a hole in the roof? Did somebody jump through the roof?

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Why did they go do a thing like that?

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Here's another guy on a roof.

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Why is all these people throwing themselves off roofs?

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What's wrong with walking up to your neighbour's door and ringing the bell?

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And another one.

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OK, look people, this jumping off the roof thing's not really not working out.

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Let's call it a day.

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What's worse than jumping off a roof?

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Jumping out of a plane!

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Parachuting is an outdoor sport, don't try to take it indoors.

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Next up, this happens.

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Argh!

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Boom!

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-Argh!

-These two should have reconsidered their friendship.

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They're not adding anything to each other's lives.

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Don't jump, fool!

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Why don't these people listen to me?

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Let's hope he's not too sore in the morning.

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This guy's trying to see if gravity still works in the Ukraine.

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It does.

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What a fool!

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Remember, people - only chumps do big jumps.

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I want to talk to you about car washes.

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You may think you don't need to know about car washes,

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but you are wrong.

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They are mean, they are dangerous, and they can strike at any time.

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If you want to be safe, listen to my rules for car wash fools.

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Rule number one, keep your foot away from the accelerator.

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In a car wash, brakes are good, accelerators - not good.

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Rule number two, stay calm, remain patient, wait your turn.

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Boom!

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The message here, don't mess with this guy!

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Rule number three, don't open your door in the middle of a car wash!

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Doors need to be closed at all times.

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Rule number four, see rule number three.

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MUSIC: "Here It Goes Again" by OK Go

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Rule number five, make sure you know

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which end is the entrance and which end is the exit.

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If you find your car has punched another car in the face,

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you know you're probably going the wrong way.

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Rule number six, don't wash inside your car with a power hose,

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not if you like your electrics.

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MUSIC: "Rollin'" by Chamillionaire

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Rule number seven,

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bath time and car wash time are two separate times. They should not mix.

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< Get out the car wash.

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Here it comes.

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Argh! That was burning!

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< "That was burning!"

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Rule number eight, remember the rule about keeping your door shut?

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The same goes about windows.

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Joe, the...

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MANIC LAUGHTER

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Yeah! No, no, no, no, no.

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It's going to come in now. Oh, my God!

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MANIC LAUGHTER

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Oh, my God. Yo!

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Oh, my God!

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Rule nine, before you hit the road, check to see if your brakes work.

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Error!

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There we go. Follow those simple rules

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and you should stay safe the next time you go to a car wash.

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Or don't go to a car wash -

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get a bucket and a sponge and wash your car yourself,

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you lazy fool!

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Now, quit your jibber-jabber and listen to this.

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PHONE DIALLING TONE

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I pity that lady.

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When I'm hungry, nobody stands between me and my food,

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and I'm always hungry.

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-You, give me some chicken. It's feeding time. Yum!

-Yum...

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MUSIC: "Right Round" by Flo Rida and Keha

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MUSIC: "Too Many Man" by Boy Better Know

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HE SCREAMS AGONISINGLY

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Yeah. Oh, shit!

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Back in the '80s, I invented something called karate -

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Hoo ha!

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You may have heard of it, it spread around the world.

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Despite its success, not everyone has got the hang of it.

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Take a look at these fools, bless them for trying.

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You want me to show you tough, I'll show you tough.

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Hai! Hai!

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Hai! Hai...

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Hai...

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Hai...

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Hai! Hai!

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Hai! Hai! Hai...

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I never lose!

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I hope you like pain!

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Ay!

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Ay!

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Ay!

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Ay...

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-You OK?

-No, I'm good, I'm...

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John, are you OK?

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You guys want to see something?

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Hwooah!

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Urgh!

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Ah!

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Uh!

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You guys are going to like this one.

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Enough of that.

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When you can't hurt an apple, you know it's time to give up.

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Now, listen to this true story.

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Five Mexican thieves who broke into a house in Florida

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ended up getting a bit more than they bargained for.

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As well as the usual electronics and jewellery,

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they came across three boxes of white powder

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in the closet of the homeowner's bedroom.

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Assuming them to be drugs, they took the boxes with them

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and snorted the powder later that evening.

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To their disappointment, they didn't even get a little bit high.

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It was only later, after they'd been arrested,

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that sheriffs told them the truth -

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they had in fact shoved up their nose

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the cremated ashes of the homeowner's dead father,

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and his two beloved Great Danes.

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Woof-woof.

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OK, listen up.

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It's that time of the show when we look at some of those people

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breaking the law, and I get angry - I hate criminals.

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I'm going to take a deep breath, you watch these clips.

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Criminal fools.

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You're about to witness a carjacking.

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How's the guy going to jack a car, if he can't even drive a car!

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What a fool!

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Florida, USA.

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These two criminals are trying to run through a door

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so they can rob a house.

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The only thing they're going to run into is the law.

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Next up, Texas.

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These three bad guys who are thinking about robbing a hotel,

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they are too stupid to work out the double door system.

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That's it, you better run away,

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or I'm going to find you and introduce you to my friend, pain.

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This thief saw an open window and tried to steal a mobile phone.

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He got stuck, bad news for him.

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Don't worry -

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where he's going, he's going to get one free phone call.

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This house is being robbed,

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the burglars are about to make their getaway...

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..straight into the pond!

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How do you feel now, toe-rag?

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Here's a villain trying to break through a roof of a liquor store.

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I'm not sure this guy needs any more liquor.

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Seems like he's in enough trouble already.

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Boom!

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He's broken in through the roof, now he can't get out.

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This looks like a bad idea.

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What a fool.

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Send him to a maximum security prison,

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let's see if he can bust his way out of that.

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Loser.

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I know what you're thinking,

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those were the dumbest criminals in the world, right?

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Wrong, have a listen to this.

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Two men were arrested for shoplifting in Oregon

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after potentially the worst piece of planning in criminal history.

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Having targeting a large superstore on a Wednesday morning,

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they proceeded to stuff their backpacks with blenders,

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shoes, clothes and electrical tools.

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They failed to notice at any stage during their robbery

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that it was in fact 'Shop with a Cop Day' at the store,

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in which local school children were being shown around

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by more than 60 uniformed policemen.

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In addition to the cops,

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there were also police canine units patrolling the aisles,

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and several mounted policemen waiting outside,

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as well as the store's own security guards.

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The two shoplifters were duly spotted and arrested,

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while a clown entertained the children with some balloons.

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The men later admitted

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that it probably wasn't the ideal time to carry out their crime.

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Crime don't pay - when you get caught, you're going to court!

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Here's five dumb things criminals have said in front of a judge.

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I know I was drunk driving,

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but I closed one eye so I wouldn't see double.

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I wasn't resisting arrest, I ran from the policeman,

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because I thought he was gay.

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'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.

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It wasn't me, it was my identical twin.

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I didn't mean to murder him, it was a joke.

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I forgot I was holding the gun, when I walked into the bank.

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Back in the '80s I invented something called a chainsaw.

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I had this idea when I saw someone using a chainsaw.

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I thought, "That looks like a good idea, I'm going to have that."

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Anyway, here's some people using them to cut down some trees.

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Enjoy.

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We're starting right here in the UK.

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This is a great example of how to fell a tree.

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And to get back at your neighbours.

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I think you owe Alan a new shed.

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That'll teach you for borrowing my hammer and not returning it, sucker!

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This guy in Mexico is pruning a tree.

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What?!

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Who's this guy? He doesn't seem to be helping.

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I think you could do a better job without him,

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send him home, he's just in the way.

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Taking your car down to the scrapyard can be expensive.

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Here's a cheap way to get it crushed for free.

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SCREAMING

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Oh, my God!

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She flipped out!

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You did, Mum, you flipped out.

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And here's another one.

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LAUGHING

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That did not work out according to plan.

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At least, I hope it didn't.

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If that was a plan, it was a bad plan.

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It ain't even a foot tall!

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Nice, yeah!

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When chopping down a tree,

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some people try to save money instead of hiring a professional.

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That decision doesn't always work out.

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Error.

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I think it's time we saw some dumbness from Brazil.

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I like the guy who checks to see if there's any damage.

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Yeah, there's damage - a big tree fell on your truck.

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This is what happens when trees fight back.

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SHOUTING

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You do not want to get into a fight with nature.

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You are small and puny.

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Nature is powerful and overwhelming. Nature will win!

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Colombia.

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Boom!

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Hey, suckers, look on the bright side -

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at least you've got some wood to build yourself a new fence!

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Look at these two guys.

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They're putting on a great show for all the neighbourhood.

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A tree, a ladder, a chainsaw.

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Who cares what's on the telly when you've got this going on outside?

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Here's a guy who thinks if you cut down a tree,

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he'll get a better view from his house.

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Here goes... and it's going the wrong way!

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Oh, my gosh!

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What house?!

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Well, that was not good at all. We just took out half the house.

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That's it, that's all we got time for today.

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I hope you enjoyed yourself.

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Respect the world around you, we all got to live in it.

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If everyone treated the world with love and care,

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this planet would be cool place to be.

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See you next time. So long, suckers.

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, brainless builders to silly sportsmen and bungling burglars to crazy cops. The show is a mix of clips, animation and funny phone calls... and is not for sissies.


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