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The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.
Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,
you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.
Mr T is on a special mission.
He's been searching far and wide
assembling an army of extraordinary individuals.
People who boldly venture where others fear to tread.
People who dare to do things differently.
People who aren't afraid to ask questions like,
can I fit in that?
What's through that door?
And, do I really need a parachute?
He's found the stupidest, clumsiest, most dangerous people on the planet.
He's found the world's craziest fools.
Are you ready for 30 minutes of crazy and amazing foolishness?
You'd best be sucker, cos you're watching my show.
You're in my world now.
I found some wacky people for you. They're going to blow your mind.
I got fools wrecking cars, I got fools messing with sledgehammers,
I got fools attacking lions,
but before all that, here's this.
Life in the army can be tough.
When you're out there in the field, it's cold, it's wet,
and there ain't no hair gel.
Here's a list of tips I've put together
to make a soldier's day a little easier.
MUSIC: "Bulletproof" by La Roux
Rule number one - your rifle is your best friend.
Make sure you treat it that way.
Rule number two -
if your rifle is your best friend,
your rocket launcher is your second-best friend.
It's like the guy that would be your best friend
if your real best friend is not around.
Anyway, make sure it works.
Rule number three -
your machine gun is your third-best friend.
Look, all the weapons are your friends,
that's what I'm trying to say.
Treat them right.
Rule number four -
make sure you recce your terrain before attempting an assault.
For future reference, mud is not so great to land on.
Rule number five -
stay vigilant at all times.
You never know when an attack is coming.
Rule number six.
Make sure you use your downtime productively.
Rule number seven - if you are a pilot, check your brakes.
Don't worry, he's OK. He got lucky this time.
Rule number eight - if you are a foot soldier, check your brakes.
Rule number nine -
if I shout "incoming", hit the deck.
Good work, soldier.
Of course, some people don't like the idea of being a soldier at all.
Have a listen to this.
In Poland, every young man is called up to the army at the age of 18.
On receiving his letter, one bright spark
decided the best way to get out of doing military service would be to fail his medical.
Figuring a few nasty scratches would do the trick,
he went to Wroclaw zoo, climbed inside the lion cage
and began taunting a lion.
He shouted at it, slapped it and pulled its mane.
The lion bit his arm off.
The man was excused military service for the rest of his life,
but later admitted that the sacrifice was perhaps not worth it.
That lion's lucky he didn't try messing with me. Listen up, animals.
I don't care who you are or what kind of claws you got.
If you try to eat my arm off, I'll eat your arm off!
Got it? Good.
The first question of the driving test should be, are you a fool?
If the answer's yes, no vehicles for you.
Strap yourself in. It's time for some dumb driving.
Parallel park, three-point turn, reverse around a corner.
Here's a guy who was bored of doing the same old manoeuvres.
He's trying out a different manoeuvre.
He made this one up all on his own.
It doesn't have a name yet.
I hate ticket machines.
They're always getting up in my face, trying to tell me who's boss.
Sometimes you gotta teach them a lesson.
That's right, ticket machine.
You'll think twice before messing with this lady again.
Yellow ticket machines are just as irritating as red ticket machines.
In fact, they're more irritating,
cos I hate the colour yellow!
I once got so angry at a ticket machine,
I smashed it up using another ticket machine that I was also angry at.
It was not a good day for the ticket machines.
Next up, it's time for some pain in Spain.
This guy's got the right idea.
If you're parking your car and there ain't no space,
make a space!
Sometimes you gotta take charge of your own destiny.
Up next, it's a lady driving through a gate.
I like this car. It just wants to have its belly tickled.
Look at it.
I want to reach right in through the television and give it a little rub.
I'm not going to do it, though. I'd break the television.
This car is far too small.
There's no way you can drive a car like this.
Even if you manage to squeeze yourself inside,
you'd never get your legs and feet in the right place
to push the pedals.
And I ain't even going to think about
how you're going to move the steering wheel.
This car is dangerous.
The lesson - get a bigger car, sucker.
Saudi Arabia land.
These guys are letting their friend drive their car for the first time.
These guys must be good friends.
Even though their buddy had no idea what he was doing,
they let him try out their car anyway.
You see this guy here. He's an ideas man.
Today, he's decided to see what it's like to drive into a tree.
This wasn't the best idea,
but who knows what stupid stuff he'll think of tomorrow.
Florida. This lady is on her way to retake her driving test.
"Did I pass?" "No, you failed." "Why?"
"Cos you crashed into the driving test building.
"It was the worst thing you could ever do!"
Don't worry. Everyone's OK.
Listen up, men.
If you want to propose to your lady
then you'd better be romantic about it.
Buy her flowers, cook her a candlelight dinner,
take her to a monster truck show.
But above all else, make sure she's going to say yes.
A little marriage proposal going on in mid-court right now, Jerry.
I really can't imagine doing that, d'you know. That's under pressure.
Whatever you did worked - you're still married, how many years?
-I think people ought to be asking you how to do it.
Well, if I had to do it that way,
she'd have probably kneed me while I'm down there, but...!
-You know what, I'm just waiting once for the gal to say no.
-That would be, er...
-But she has to say yes there.
She might say no as soon as they walk off the court.
Oh, I think she's saying "I can't do it right now.
"I really do like you a lot, but let's just be friends".
Ah, look at this. Wow.
MUSIC: "She Said" by Plan B
Well, how do you like that?
The young man, er...
will probably get over it in 10 or 12 years or so.
-Here it is.
-"Will you be my Blueshirt bride?" Look at that.
-I guess she didn't need to think about it.
"Let's talk about a pre-nup".
OK, Cathy! On your marks, get set, go!
And she's off.
Is she hot or cold? Let's hear it, fans.
Well, she's running around. Where is he? Where is he?
She's getting hotter! Hotter!
Yo! She's found him! Congratulations, Cathy.
You've just won a pair of tickets to a future Washington Wizards game.
But, Cathy, we have another surprise for you.
Honey, honey, honey.
Honey, will you marry me?
We met here one year ago, right in front of this synagogue
and when we did, I was dizzy in your presence.
Dizzy in your presence.
-Oh, my God.
-And listen, Caroline, I love everything about you.
# Sweet Caroline
# Good times never seem so good
# I've been inclined
# To believe it never would. #
Make me the happiest, most dizzy man in the world,
and please, will you marry me?
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
That is brutal.
I feel for those men, I do.
They got lots of love to give, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I hope one day they find someone who can love them right back.
Now listen to this.
An unhappily married couple in Jordan got a nasty shock
when they both started cheating on each other at the same time.
The woman secretly decided to seek a new lover on an internet dating site.
Meanwhile, her husband had also decided
to initiate a hot and steamy internet affair.
Eventually they both arranged to meet their new lovers for the first time.
It was only then, when they met up face to face,
that they realised they had in fact
been cheating on each other with each other.
The couple are now divorced.
When you walk past a building site and you see a man in a hard hat,
you know you're looking at a hard-working hero.
I can't wear a hard had myself because it messes with my hair,
but that doesn't stop me from respecting them anyway.
Doing this stuff can be tough.
Another ordinary day in construction,
everyone just going about their business, then this happens.
If you have an embarrassing fall like this, don't worry about it.
Just turn it into a stylish breakdance move.
Let's hope he's not too sore in the morning.
Pipe cutting can be boring work.
This guy's spicing it up,
by combining it with a game of bucking broncos.
You see - a little imagination,
then suddenly, pipe cutting is twice as amazing.
This is a great day for pipe cutting.
Take a look at this guy.
He doesn't need a bulldozer. He doesn't need an axe.
He doesn't even need a hard hat to demolish this house.
All he needs is a rock.
"Give me a rock and I'll conquer the world." Who said that?
I did, just now.
Write it down.
MUSIC: "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina Aguilera
Belgium. These workers are trying to move a statue
that's over a hundred years old.
Careful with that, fool!
Some of the best things on the planet are old.
You wouldn't do that with Bruce Forsyth!
Look at this fool.
"Oh, no, what's happening? I've left the handbrake off!"
Trust in God, but check your brakes.
OK, listen up. It's time for another of Mr T's physics lessons.
A crane is parked next to a bridge.
The top of the crane weighs ten tonnes.
The bottom of the crane weighs two tonnes.
The bridge is 60 metres high.
Here's the question.
Where the heck is my keys?!
I'm sure I put them in my pocket this morning.
Now I can't find them anywhere.
Call me if you know the answer.
Next up, New Zealand.
No comment. I got nothing to say.
You want to see something great? Take a look at this foreman.
He's parked his car right where the smokestack's going to fall,
just to entertain his men.
That put a smile on everyone's face.
They're going to work double hard this afternoon, believe me.
Let me tell you a story.
It's about a guy who met a girl and got her phone number.
Then he called her up to ask her out. So far so good.
This is what happened next.
CAT PURRS, HE EXHALES DEEPLY
There's nothing wrong with being persistent,
but it's a fine line between being persistent and being a fool.
If a girl say no, that's when you gotta walk away,
and some guys give girls plenty of reason to say no.
Here's five dumb chat-up lines.
Hi, my name is Pogo.
Want to jump on my stick?
The human body has 206 bones.
Would you like another one?
The word of the day is "legs".
Let's go to your house
and spread the word.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I may not be the best-looking guy here,
but I'm the only one talking to you.
You want to know what the best chat-up line in the world is?
"I'm Mr T." But be careful, though.
There's not too many people that can pull it off.
Here's some fools messing around on ice and having a wild ride.
Watch and enjoy.
But mostly enjoy.
But learn too.
This guy's seeing how it feels to jump into an ice-cold lake.
-Final words - this is going to be
Turns out it's cold.
-scary as hell.
I could have told him that! He should have asked me.
Could have saved himself a lot of trouble. You dumb fool.
This guy's seeing what it's like to get his tongue stuck to a pole.
CHATTER IN BACKGROUND
It's pretty much as you can imagine.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Up next, this.
A sledgehammer rarely fails to make any situation better.
I've had a lot of good times with a sledgehammer over the years.
A lot of good times.
That ain't one of 'em.
Don't do this - it's like all kind of stupid.
Did somebody order a double fool on ice?
Here you go.
These two friends climbed onto an iceberg,
and then got stuck when it drifted away.
This looks like the beginning of a great adventure.
Who knows where it's going to take them?
They're going to see some amazing stuff.
Maybe they'll find love.
At the very least, they'll come back better friends.
Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Thomas Edison,
and now Jason.
-MAN: It's like the Blob!
-Jason is trying to see
if carrying two big sticks helps you walk across the ice.
It doesn't. Thanks to Jason, we now know this.
His name will be added to the history books,
alongside those other great names I said earlier.
-Putting up a tent is a challenge.
-I got the base.
Putting up a tent on ice in hurricane conditions
is an even bigger challenge.
Congratulations to these men
for taking on the bigger of the two challenges.
It's good to push yourself.
That's how we all become better people.
This guy spent weeks working on this amazing ice sculpture.
That's OK - the sculpture may be ruined
but look how many ice cubes you've created.
Cold drinks for everyone!
That's it, the show is over. We have had an amazing time.
We have laughed, we cried, we held each other tight.
Before I say goodbye, I'd like to share my final thought.
If you're going to be a fool, at least be a fool with dreams.
Maybe then one day you won't be a fool at all.
See you next time. So long, suckers.
# Well, I pity the fool
# I said I pity the fool
# Oh, I pity the fool
# I said I pity the fool
# That falls in love with you
# And expects you to be true
# I pity the fool
# Look at the people
# I know you're wondering what they're doing
# But they're just standing there
# Watching you making a fool of me... #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, brainless builders to silly sportsmen and bungling burglers to crazy cops. The show is a mix of clips, animation and funny phone calls... and is not for sissies.