Episode 9 World's Craziest Fools


Episode 9

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Transcript


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The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.

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Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,

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you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.

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Mr T is on a special mission.

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He's been searching far and wide

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assembling an army of extraordinary individuals.

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People who boldly venture where others fear to tread.

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People who dare to do things differently.

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People who aren't afraid to ask questions like,

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can I fit in that?

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What's through that door?

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And, do I really need a parachute?

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He's found the stupidest, clumsiest, most dangerous people on the planet.

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He's found the world's craziest fools.

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Are you ready for 30 minutes of crazy and amazing foolishness?

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You'd best be sucker, cos you're watching my show.

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You're in my world now.

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I found some wacky people for you. They're going to blow your mind.

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I got fools wrecking cars, I got fools messing with sledgehammers,

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I got fools attacking lions,

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but before all that, here's this.

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Life in the army can be tough.

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When you're out there in the field, it's cold, it's wet,

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and there ain't no hair gel.

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Here's a list of tips I've put together

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to make a soldier's day a little easier.

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MUSIC: "Bulletproof" by La Roux

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Rule number one - your rifle is your best friend.

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Make sure you treat it that way.

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APPLAUSE

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WOMAN LAUGHS

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, no!

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Rule number two -

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if your rifle is your best friend,

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your rocket launcher is your second-best friend.

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It's like the guy that would be your best friend

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if your real best friend is not around.

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Anyway, make sure it works.

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LAUGHTER

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Rule number three -

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your machine gun is your third-best friend.

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Look, all the weapons are your friends,

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that's what I'm trying to say.

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Treat them right.

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Rule number four -

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make sure you recce your terrain before attempting an assault.

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For future reference, mud is not so great to land on.

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Rule number five -

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stay vigilant at all times.

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You never know when an attack is coming.

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LAUGHTER

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Nice ass!

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Rule number six.

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Make sure you use your downtime productively.

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Rule number seven - if you are a pilot, check your brakes.

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Don't worry, he's OK. He got lucky this time.

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Rule number eight - if you are a foot soldier, check your brakes.

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Rule number nine -

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if I shout "incoming", hit the deck.

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Good work, soldier.

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Of course, some people don't like the idea of being a soldier at all.

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Have a listen to this.

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In Poland, every young man is called up to the army at the age of 18.

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On receiving his letter, one bright spark

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decided the best way to get out of doing military service would be to fail his medical.

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Figuring a few nasty scratches would do the trick,

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he went to Wroclaw zoo, climbed inside the lion cage

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and began taunting a lion.

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He shouted at it, slapped it and pulled its mane.

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The lion bit his arm off.

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The man was excused military service for the rest of his life,

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but later admitted that the sacrifice was perhaps not worth it.

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That lion's lucky he didn't try messing with me. Listen up, animals.

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I don't care who you are or what kind of claws you got.

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If you try to eat my arm off, I'll eat your arm off!

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Got it? Good.

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The first question of the driving test should be, are you a fool?

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If the answer's yes, no vehicles for you.

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Strap yourself in. It's time for some dumb driving.

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Parallel park, three-point turn, reverse around a corner.

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Here's a guy who was bored of doing the same old manoeuvres.

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He's trying out a different manoeuvre.

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He made this one up all on his own.

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It doesn't have a name yet.

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It will.

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I hate ticket machines.

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They're always getting up in my face, trying to tell me who's boss.

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Sometimes you gotta teach them a lesson.

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That's right, ticket machine.

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You'll think twice before messing with this lady again.

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Yellow ticket machines are just as irritating as red ticket machines.

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In fact, they're more irritating,

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cos I hate the colour yellow!

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I once got so angry at a ticket machine,

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I smashed it up using another ticket machine that I was also angry at.

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It was not a good day for the ticket machines.

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Next up, it's time for some pain in Spain.

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Boom!

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This guy's got the right idea.

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If you're parking your car and there ain't no space,

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make a space!

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Sometimes you gotta take charge of your own destiny.

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Up next, it's a lady driving through a gate.

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I like this car. It just wants to have its belly tickled.

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Look at it.

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I want to reach right in through the television and give it a little rub.

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I'm not going to do it, though. I'd break the television.

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This car is far too small.

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There's no way you can drive a car like this.

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Even if you manage to squeeze yourself inside,

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you'd never get your legs and feet in the right place

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to push the pedals.

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And I ain't even going to think about

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how you're going to move the steering wheel.

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This car is dangerous.

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The lesson - get a bigger car, sucker.

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Saudi Arabia land.

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These guys are letting their friend drive their car for the first time.

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TYRES SCREECH

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LAUGHTER

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These guys must be good friends.

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Even though their buddy had no idea what he was doing,

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they let him try out their car anyway.

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You see this guy here. He's an ideas man.

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Today, he's decided to see what it's like to drive into a tree.

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This wasn't the best idea,

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but who knows what stupid stuff he'll think of tomorrow.

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Florida. This lady is on her way to retake her driving test.

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"Did I pass?" "No, you failed." "Why?"

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"Cos you crashed into the driving test building.

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"It was the worst thing you could ever do!"

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Don't worry. Everyone's OK.

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Listen up, men.

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If you want to propose to your lady

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then you'd better be romantic about it.

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Buy her flowers, cook her a candlelight dinner,

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take her to a monster truck show.

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But above all else, make sure she's going to say yes.

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A little marriage proposal going on in mid-court right now, Jerry.

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I really can't imagine doing that, d'you know. That's under pressure.

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Whatever you did worked - you're still married, how many years?

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-40 years.

-I think people ought to be asking you how to do it.

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Well, if I had to do it that way,

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she'd have probably kneed me while I'm down there, but...!

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-You know what, I'm just waiting once for the gal to say no.

-Yeah.

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-That would be, er...

-But she has to say yes there.

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She might say no as soon as they walk off the court.

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Oh, I think she's saying "I can't do it right now.

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"I really do like you a lot, but let's just be friends".

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Ah, look at this. Wow.

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MUSIC: "She Said" by Plan B

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Well, how do you like that?

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The young man, er...

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will probably get over it in 10 or 12 years or so.

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CHEERING

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INAUDIBLE

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-Here it is.

-"Will you be my Blueshirt bride?" Look at that.

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-I guess she didn't need to think about it.

-Oh!

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"Let's talk about a pre-nup".

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OK, Cathy! On your marks, get set, go!

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And she's off.

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FANFARE

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Is she hot or cold? Let's hear it, fans.

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Well, she's running around. Where is he? Where is he?

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She's getting hotter! Hotter!

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Yo! She's found him! Congratulations, Cathy.

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You've just won a pair of tickets to a future Washington Wizards game.

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But, Cathy, we have another surprise for you.

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Honey, honey, honey.

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Honey, will you marry me?

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Oooh.

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We met here one year ago, right in front of this synagogue

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and when we did, I was dizzy in your presence.

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Dizzy in your presence.

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-Oh, my God.

-And listen, Caroline, I love everything about you.

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# Sweet Caroline

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# Bah-bah-baah

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# Good times never seem so good

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# I've been inclined

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# Bah-bah-baah

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# To believe it never would. #

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Make me the happiest, most dizzy man in the world,

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and please, will you marry me?

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-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-Caroline...

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What?!

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Oh!

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Ohh!

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Oh, my God.

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That is brutal.

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I feel for those men, I do.

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They got lots of love to give, and there's nothing wrong with that.

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I hope one day they find someone who can love them right back.

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Now listen to this.

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An unhappily married couple in Jordan got a nasty shock

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when they both started cheating on each other at the same time.

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The woman secretly decided to seek a new lover on an internet dating site.

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Meanwhile, her husband had also decided

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to initiate a hot and steamy internet affair.

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Eventually they both arranged to meet their new lovers for the first time.

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It was only then, when they met up face to face,

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that they realised they had in fact

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been cheating on each other with each other.

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The couple are now divorced.

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When you walk past a building site and you see a man in a hard hat,

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you know you're looking at a hard-working hero.

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I can't wear a hard had myself because it messes with my hair,

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but that doesn't stop me from respecting them anyway.

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Doing this stuff can be tough.

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Another ordinary day in construction,

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everyone just going about their business, then this happens.

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If you have an embarrassing fall like this, don't worry about it.

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Just turn it into a stylish breakdance move.

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Let's hope he's not too sore in the morning.

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Pipe cutting can be boring work.

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This guy's spicing it up,

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by combining it with a game of bucking broncos.

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You see - a little imagination,

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then suddenly, pipe cutting is twice as amazing.

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This is a great day for pipe cutting.

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Take a look at this guy.

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He doesn't need a bulldozer. He doesn't need an axe.

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He doesn't even need a hard hat to demolish this house.

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All he needs is a rock.

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LAUGHTER

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"Give me a rock and I'll conquer the world." Who said that?

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I did, just now.

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Write it down.

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MUSIC: "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina Aguilera

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Belgium. These workers are trying to move a statue

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that's over a hundred years old.

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Careful with that, fool!

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Some of the best things on the planet are old.

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You wouldn't do that with Bruce Forsyth!

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Look at this fool.

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"Oh, no, what's happening? I've left the handbrake off!"

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Trust in God, but check your brakes.

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OK, listen up. It's time for another of Mr T's physics lessons.

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A crane is parked next to a bridge.

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The top of the crane weighs ten tonnes.

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The bottom of the crane weighs two tonnes.

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The bridge is 60 metres high.

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Here's the question.

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Where the heck is my keys?!

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I'm sure I put them in my pocket this morning.

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Now I can't find them anywhere.

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Call me if you know the answer.

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Next up, New Zealand.

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No comment. I got nothing to say.

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You want to see something great? Take a look at this foreman.

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He's parked his car right where the smokestack's going to fall,

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just to entertain his men.

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That put a smile on everyone's face.

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They're going to work double hard this afternoon, believe me.

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Let me tell you a story.

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It's about a guy who met a girl and got her phone number.

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Then he called her up to ask her out. So far so good.

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This is what happened next.

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DIALLING TONE

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CAT PURRS, HE EXHALES DEEPLY

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There's nothing wrong with being persistent,

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but it's a fine line between being persistent and being a fool.

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If a girl say no, that's when you gotta walk away,

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and some guys give girls plenty of reason to say no.

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Here's five dumb chat-up lines.

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Hi, my name is Pogo.

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Want to jump on my stick?

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The human body has 206 bones.

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Would you like another one?

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The word of the day is "legs".

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Let's go to your house

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and spread the word.

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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

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I may not be the best-looking guy here,

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but I'm the only one talking to you.

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You want to know what the best chat-up line in the world is?

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"I'm Mr T." But be careful, though.

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There's not too many people that can pull it off.

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Here's some fools messing around on ice and having a wild ride.

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Watch and enjoy.

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And learn.

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But mostly enjoy.

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But learn too.

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This guy's seeing how it feels to jump into an ice-cold lake.

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-Final words - this is going to be

-BLEEP

-cold.

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WOMAN GASPS

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Turns out it's cold.

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-BLEEP

-scary as hell.

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I could have told him that! He should have asked me.

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Could have saved himself a lot of trouble. You dumb fool.

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This guy's seeing what it's like to get his tongue stuck to a pole.

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CHATTER IN BACKGROUND

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It's pretty much as you can imagine.

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You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

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Up next, this.

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A sledgehammer rarely fails to make any situation better.

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I've had a lot of good times with a sledgehammer over the years.

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A lot of good times.

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That ain't one of 'em.

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Don't do this - it's like all kind of stupid.

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Did somebody order a double fool on ice?

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Here you go.

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These two friends climbed onto an iceberg,

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and then got stuck when it drifted away.

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This looks like the beginning of a great adventure.

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Who knows where it's going to take them?

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They're going to see some amazing stuff.

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Maybe they'll find love.

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At the very least, they'll come back better friends.

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Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Thomas Edison,

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and now Jason.

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-MAN: It's like the Blob!

-Jason is trying to see

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if carrying two big sticks helps you walk across the ice.

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It doesn't. Thanks to Jason, we now know this.

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His name will be added to the history books,

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alongside those other great names I said earlier.

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-Putting up a tent is a challenge.

-I got the base.

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Putting up a tent on ice in hurricane conditions

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is an even bigger challenge.

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Congratulations to these men

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for taking on the bigger of the two challenges.

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It's good to push yourself.

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That's how we all become better people.

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This guy spent weeks working on this amazing ice sculpture.

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That's OK - the sculpture may be ruined

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but look how many ice cubes you've created.

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Cold drinks for everyone!

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That's it, the show is over. We have had an amazing time.

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We have laughed, we cried, we held each other tight.

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Before I say goodbye, I'd like to share my final thought.

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If you're going to be a fool, at least be a fool with dreams.

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Maybe then one day you won't be a fool at all.

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See you next time. So long, suckers.

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# Well, I pity the fool

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# I said I pity the fool

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# Oh, I pity the fool

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# I said I pity the fool

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# That falls in love with you

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# And expects you to be true

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# I pity the fool

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# Look at the people

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# I know you're wondering what they're doing

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# But they're just standing there

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# Watching you making a fool of me... #

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:110:28:13

Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, brainless builders to silly sportsmen and bungling burglers to crazy cops. The show is a mix of clips, animation and funny phone calls... and is not for sissies.


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