At Christmas Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas?

A very special edition filled with festive fibs.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,

a tough-tackling footballer who's now in huge demand as a commentator.

In fact, he's getting almost as many bookings for his TV work

as he did when he was a player.

It's Chris Kamara.

APPLAUSE

And a writer, comedian and actress who loves animals so much

she believes they sometimes write to her.

Next door's cat certainly leaves me the odd message.

It's Sara Pascoe.

APPLAUSE

And, on David Mitchell's team tonight,

an award-winning actor.

Oscars, Tonys...

Franks, Johns and Freds, he's worked with everybody.

It's Tom Courtenay.

APPLAUSE

And the co-host of Pointless,

who's been described as the thinking woman's crumpet.

Presumably, they're thinking, "I've had two bottles of prosecco, he'll do."

It's Richard Osman.

APPLAUSE

And we begin, as ever, with Round One - Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.

They've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

And, Richard, you're first up.

I still haven't watched Breaking Bad

because every time I sit down to start it,

I notice there are new episodes of Homes Under The Hammer

on the planner and I have to watch those instead.

LAUGHTER

OK, so you have a planner?

So they're not next to each other on Netflix, these shows?

No. Unbelievably, Homes Under The Hammer

yet to break Netflix.

LAUGHTER

I've genuinely never seen it. What happens in Homes Under The Hammer?

There's three houses each time, they're all been sold, and you see who buys them.

And then they say, "We're going to come back in six months' time

-to see what they've done to the house.

-Whoa, whoa.

-They renovate the house?

-When I describe it,

it doesn't sound as amazing as when I watch it.

LAUGHTER

So how many episodes of Homes Under The Hammer would you say you've watched?

Have I watched? What, like, ever? Goodness me.

What, there's too many?

You sound like someone who's slept with so many people

-they just have to round it down!

-LAUGHTER

I would say...

About 300. I don't know, who's counting?

I would say a few hundred, a couple of hundred.

Is that the sleeping with thing or the...?

LAUGHTER

No, we're talking about distressed semis here,

-so it's Homes Under The Hammer.

-LAUGHTER

Give us the summary of your favourite episode.

Well, you see, these days...

It used to just have the two hosts - Martin and Lucy -

and now they've gone three-host.

They've gone Martin, Lucy, and Dion Dublin is now a host

of Homes Under The Hammer as well.

Well, it was an obvious choice, wasn't it?

The ex-footballer who wants to help sell houses.

Are you suggesting we shouldn't have ex-footballers on television, Lee?

LAUGHTER

-You're a football fan as well, right?

-Yes, I am.

If you saw Dion Dublin, would you go,

"Wow, it's Dion Dublin that used to play for Man United"?

Or would you go, "Wow, it's Dion Dublin,

"the bloke who presents Homes Under The Hammer"?

Oh, don't.

Don't... Rob, you haven't.

Your hands are so big that when you did that, I felt a draft as well.

LAUGHTER

-That was incredible.

-APPLAUSE

So, Lee, what are your team thinking?

Do you think this is true?

-First of all, do you believe he watches Homes Under The Hammer?

-No.

What? You think he's made all of that up?

He's too clever for that.

The thing about Richard is he is very clever

but he's like high culture, low culture.

-He's one of those very well-educated stupid people.

-I am here, you know.

LAUGHTER

Do you know what?

At 7'2", I bet you've never had to say that before!

-So you are saying it's true.

-True.

You think it's...

-I have to go with Sarah, then.

-I think it's true as well.

-You're going with true?

-Yeah.

-OK.

Richard.

It is...

..a lie.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie.

Richard doesn't get distracted from watching Breaking Bad

by new episodes of Homes Under The Hammer.

Chris, you're next.

My full name is Christmas Kamara.

LAUGHTER

Christmas Kamara?

David's team.

Why?

Cos I was born on Christmas Day.

Jesus was born on Christmas Day and his name's not Christmas.

You were named Christmas because you were born on Christmas Day?

-That's...

-Yes.

What happened is my mum was having me at the time...

LAUGHTER

It checks out so far.

My dad was just about to say happy Christmas to my brother

when I popped out. My mum...

-You were expected, though, right?

-LAUGHTER

So your dad was saying, "OK, this is mid-labour,

"time to get some greetings in to other family members."

OK. "Happy..." And then... "Oh!"

Then all of a sudden I popped out and my mum thought,

"I've heard the name Christmas", so she went...

Well, that is the rule, isn't it?

That the first noise the father makes when the baby comes out

-just is the name.

-LAUGHTER

But my brother was born on St George's Day.

April 23, is it?

-And...

-He's called Red Cross.

-LAUGHTER

-He's called George.

And there's your sister, Pancake Tuesday.

Have you got any middle names, Chris-TMAS?

Yes, I have.

What are they?

My dad used to be in the navy,

so it was going to be Christmas Captain Cook Kamara

but they decided to call me Christmas Columbus Kamara.

LAUGHTER

Why Columbus?

Because my dad was in the navy.

Yeah, was he in the Spanish navy in the late 15th century?

LAUGHTER

-He was always his hero when he was a kid.

-Right.

OK, so what are you thinking, David?

Well, what do you think, Tom?

-I'm still thinking about it.

-Richard?

I'm really waiting on Tom's verdict, I have to say.

LAUGHTER

David, what about you?

I don't believe it.

-No, I don't either.

-Oh! LAUGHTER

I think it would be very nice, you know,

on the Christmas special, to have someone whose name was Christmas

-but...

-And it saves us from booking Noel Edmonds.

But I just don't think... I don't think people...

I don't think Christmas is really a name.

-All right, so you're saying it's a lie?

-Yeah.

OK. Chris-TMAS.

Truth or lie?

It's a lie.

Yes, it's a lie.

Sarah, you're next.

As a child, my Christmas was once cut short

when my mum took the decorations down halfway through Christmas Day.

-David's team. AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

-Thank you.

-LAUGHTER

Was she always down on Christmas or was...?

What happened this year?

Well, this year in particular,

just halfway through Christmas Day, she was like, "I've had enough!"

We'd done the presents...

-Had you done the lunch?

-Yeah, we'd done lunch. So let's just...

What was the time?

-2.30pm.

-OK, so pre-Queen.

Oh, we don't do the Queen in my family.

I'm so sorry, David.

LAUGHTER

-You don't...? You don't listen to the Queen?

-No.

Did it become...?

LAUGHTER

I mean, she's the head of state.

Eight minutes a year, you know?

Six and a half if you skip the bit with the trumpets.

LAUGHTER

Was it a great dramatic gesture? Or was it sort of...?

It was quite dramatic because...

I mean, were the...the things were on the ceiling?

So taking the tree down and putting a plastic tree back into a box.

The stuff on the ceiling, did she have to get a ladder?

We didn't have stuff on the ceiling.

What, you had no tinsel around the room?

-No.

-Oh, this is hardly a Christmas.

LAUGHTER

You don't watch the Queen's speech. I expect you were having a pizza.

LAUGHTER

You were having a pizza and she put the fake tree away,

like an umbrella. Fine, pop that away.

This is barely worth hearing about.

LAUGHTER

Was there a specific incident that set her off?

She was very disappointed with me and my sisters because...

-In general.

-LAUGHTER

I think I had got one present and I had not liked it

and so that was a bad point,

and my sister, Cheryl, hadn't got out of bed yet.

Now, tell us about your Christmas Day.

I'm imagining there's a lot more structure to it

and respect is a word that's coming to my mind.

Er... Thanks, Rob.

Oh, I don't know.

I think I have quite a normal Christmas Day.

I imagine...buck's fizz at 11.

No, we don't book a band.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, David, what is your team thinking? Could this be true?

-Heartbreaking.

-Yes, completely rings true. What do you think, Tom?

Well, whatever I think will be wrong, so...

Well, that could be... If that's 100%, that's very useful.

-I'd ask...

-What do you think, then?

Well, I'd go with Tom, really.

LAUGHTER

-I've had an insight.

-Tom's had an insight.

-Go on.

Yeah, I think she's not telling the truth.

-Oh, why do you think that?

-I don't know. It just came over me.

-Right.

-LAUGHTER

I think she's telling the truth,

but it's quite easy to know who to side with here.

I literally sit at home all day watching Homes Under The Hammer

and you're next to a knight of the realm.

Yeah, but...I'd go with him, if I were you.

LAUGHTER

-True.

-True. You're saying it's true.

Sarah, a tragic tale.

-A tragic tale.

-Fact or fiction?

This tale was...

true.

-I told you, you see.

-APPLAUSE

Tom, your turn.

I kick off every Christmas morning with a bowl of cornflakes

in a sea of Baileys.

Lee's team.

So, first of all, what's Baileys? Cos you don't seem to know.

What is Baileys?

It's a drink, sort of milky alcoholic drink, sort of pale brown.

I like the Baileys because I don't need the sugar.

-LEE:

-It's not because you're an alcoholic, then?

No, no, no. It's all right at Christmas, you know.

Does it make you tipsy?

There must be quite a lot of Baileys in there to fill a bowl,

so do get a little bit drunk?

No. There's a lot of cornflakes in it, too.

I don't want to spoil the day for everyone else by...

well, for my wife, Isabel, and our dog, Stanley.

I don't want to spoil the day for them by getting drunk first thing, do I?

Stanley's had his photograph on ITV breakfast.

-Has he?

-What did he do?

He does an impersonation of Maggie Smith

doing an impersonation of him.

Ready?

It's his paws.

Imagine paws, not hands.

Is this Maggie in Downton, when she sits like that?

Yeah, a bit like that. I think she got it off seeing Stanley do it.

So this is you doing an impression of Stanley

doing an impression of Maggie Smith doing an impression of Stanley?

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-So your wife doesn't... Does she eat cornflakes?

-No, she doesn't.

She knows this is something I did in a previous life.

-LEE:

-In a previous life?

-SARA:

-When you were Henry VIII?

You know, I was married before, a long time ago.

So, Tom, every time you slosh the Baileys on,

you may as well throw them in her face.

LAUGHTER

All right. So, Lee, what are you thinking? Is this ringing true?

I so think it's not true that I think,

to be that obviously not true, it must be true.

-That's the conundrum I'm in.

-Yeah, this game's got to you.

-It has.

-LAUGHTER

-LEE:

-What do you think, Chris?

-Not Sir Tom.

-You don't believe it?

You don't want to believe it of Sir Tom, do you?

-Not early in the morning.

-OK, so you say it's a lie.

-I think it's a lie.

-You say it's a lie.

I... I think you might be wrong.

-Oh, really?

-Because it's a festive time of year.

-You might do something unusual.

-People do things like that.

I do something once a year at Christmas that my wife lets me

that we don't do at any other time of year.

It might be a similar thing.

-Aren't you going to ask me what it is, Rob?

-What is it, Lee?

Can't say.

But she has to drink four bottles of Baileys before she'll do it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Time to decide, Lee. What's it going to be?

-We're going to say it's true.

You're going to say it's true? OK.

Tom, truth or lie?

It is in fact...

a lie.

-APPLAUSE

-I thought he was acting.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest - Dennis.

So, Chris, what is Dennis to you?

This is Dennis.

We once staged a burglary

to cover up for the fact that we'd been bunking off school.

Sarah, how do you know Dennis?

This is Dennis. He's the park gardener who came to my aid

when my legs turned to jelly mid-run.

And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Dennis?

This is Dennis or, as I call him, Squeaky Diesel.

I always fill up at his petrol station

because his unbelievably high-pitched voice

always cheers me up.

LAUGHTER

So there we have it.

Is Dennis Chris's burglary buddy,

Sarah's gardening angel,

or Lee's falsetto friend?

David's team, where would you like to start?

-So, Chris...

-Yes?

The two of you staged a burglary?

-Yes.

-Explain how that helped cover that you were bunking off school.

Erm...

Well, because, when we bunked off school,

-it was cold, sometimes...

-Yeah.

-..so you had to go in the, well... a house.

-Yeah.

-So we went to Dennis' house.

-RICHARD:

-OK.

And the key wasn't where it normally is.

-Dennis' house is locked?

-Yes.

Why didn't you then try your house?

-Because my mum was in.

-OK.

Good answer.

LAUGHTER

-So I climb up the drainpipe to get in the house.

-Right.

LAUGHTER

-So what...?

-Cos there was only a window open, sorry,

on the second floor.

And you got in...

-That way, successfully?

-Well...

-Or not?

-No, not successfully.

-OK.

To try and get the window latch down,

-which is down there...

-Yeah.

..with my hand...my knees have gone through the window.

Oh, right.

-Did it draw blood?

-No.

Everything shattered that way.

Shattered that way. Was it made out of windscreen glass?

LAUGHTER

So I went downstairs to let...

Why hadn't Dennis...?

-..Dennis...

-Do you remember his name?

LAUGHTER

Your old school friend?

APPLAUSE

Why hadn't Dennis...?

It's Dennis' house, why were you having to do the climbing?

Good question.

LAUGHTER

I know why, I know why, because Dennis...

Don't say it like you've just thought of it!

LAUGHTER

You've got to act in this show!

Dennis...

LAUGHTER

-..climbed up the drainpipe first.

-Right.

-Right.

But his arms were not as long as mine, so when he put his window...

His arm through the long latch window,

he couldn't quite reach it.

So you climb in, you go downstairs, you let Dennis in,

what happens then?

Well, we then realise Dennis was going to be in trouble

with his mum and his dad when they get home from school, so...

Were they at school as well?

LAUGHTER

Were they slow learners?

-They were teachers!

-Oh, they were teachers?

LAUGHTER

At the school that you went to?

Not at our school, no.

So what did you do, then?

So Dennis came up with this great idea

-of making it look like a robbery.

-Mm-hm.

So he said,

"Let's break into the gas meter..."

LAUGHTER

Murder a postman...

LAUGHTER

..scatter his body parts around...

LAUGHTER

# We wish you a merry Christmas. #

LAUGHTER

I think he used a screwdriver,

flicked up the corner flap,

put his hands in, got the 50p coins out,

and then we were gone.

And what did you do about finding somewhere warm to...?

Did you use the 50ps to get a hotel room?

LAUGHTER

All right, who next, David?

-Sara.

-Yes?

Tell the story of your encounter with Dennis.

I'd been out...erm...

drinking alcohol,

with friends.

I was over 18 and it was fine.

LAUGHTER

Erm, but my friend had given me this advice

that if you exercise first thing in the morning,

you sweat it all out and then you feel...

You don't have that hangover thing.

So, erm, I ran from my house to the park,

and then I was just starting to go round in a loop,

and I was going to be so ill. I just kept thinking,

"Be sick in a bin. No, don't be sick in a bin."

And I was really desperate for water. And anyway...

This is like listening to Paula Radcliffe.

LAUGHTER

I was so concentrating on not being sick

I didn't realise my legs had gone to liquid, and then I just was...

had my face in the grass.

And I was thinking, "I'll just stay here, hopefully."

LAUGHTER

"Everyone'll think I'm a dead body."

And what did Dennis do?

Well, Dennis came over and took my pulse.

So I could kind of feel...

Bit sinister.

LAUGHTER

-Did...?

-No, no, no! No, no, no. I...

What was Dennis doing in the park, was he...?

He works there. He's a park gardener.

He's a park gardener? Like Percy The Park Keeper?

-Percy The Park Keeper?

-You've not read that?

-No. Have you?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

-What is it?

-It's a children's book.

-Why are you reading it, then?

Because I'm a father.

LAUGHTER

He's got to have something to do

when he's allowed to see them on a Friday.

LAUGHTER

So, he's taking your pulse.

What happens then?

Well, he kind of took me up and walked me to a bench,

and then went and got me some water from the little hut where he works.

What a lovely man.

I'm going to write a series of kids' books...

all about him.

Not sure it's the right market.

LAUGHTER

Dennis The Menace has got a different ring to it now, hasn't it?

LAUGHTER

Right, what about...? What about Lee?

Lee is Squeaky Diesel.

So where is this petrol station?

It's about a mile from my house.

So it's also convenient?

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's not so high-pitched

that I'd drive to Harrogate...

-OK, fair enough.

-LAUGHTER

Can you give us an impression of how...?

Well, I could try and do an impression, but I...

Obviously, it won't be as good as...

I find impressionism is for the lowest form of entertainer.

LAUGHTER

Shall I play you? Like, if I be you in your car, would that help?

Can you do impressions of me?

Oh, all right, I'm Lee Mack.

LAUGHTER

My diesel's run out...

APPLAUSE

It's good with the way you said, "I'm Lee Mack," cos that...

-That helps.

-That clarifies who you're trying to be.

LAUGHTER

Did you come up with the name Squeaky Diesel, or...?

I was that one, yes.

-And does Dennis know that?

-He does now.

LAUGHTER

-But he didn't before?

-No.

He has no idea what he's doing on the show tonight.

LAUGHTER

I just told him, "Come along, I've got a free jumper for you."

LAUGHTER

And he said...

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-"That's very kind, thank you very much!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Squeaky Diesel.

OK. One question,

-this might trip you up.

-OK.

Does your car take petrol

or diesel?

-It takes petrol.

-Ah! Got him!

D'oh!

LAUGHTER

I just didn't think Squeaky Petrol had the same sort of scan to it.

It just sort of... It felt, Squeaky Diesel just sounds nice.

-RICHARD:

-What do you think, Tom?

It seems so unlikely

that Lee's car runs on petrol,

not diesel.

It so undercuts the truth of what he's saying

that I think it's probably true, what he's saying.

What?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, we need an answer.

David's team, is Dennis

Chris' burglary buddy,

Sara's gardening angel,

or Lee's falsetto friend?

Tom, what do you think?

What do you two think?

LAUGHTER

Well, I was very taken with your Lee...

Because it's such a bad mistake, wasn't it?

But Sara didn't like it

when we were taking the mickey out of Dennis.

-Maybe...

-There was a bit of feeling there, wasn't there?

Yeah, a bit like, "Genuinely, this man has helped me in the park."

Yeah, but she... But maybe it was just, you know, acting.

-If turns out you're lying, Sara...

-Yeah?

-..Tom thinks you're a good actor.

-Yeah.

-If you're telling the truth...

-Oh.

..he can take or leave your performance.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I personally...

The one that rang true the most was Kammy's,

-I felt.

-Really?

-Yeah. Did you not?

-Really? No.

-No, I didn't.

-Oh, OK.

I've just ruled out Sara.

Oh, yeah?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well done. Beautiful acting, Sara.

LAUGHTER

-But it's definitely acting?

-Yes.

Richard, would you like to rule anyone out?

Yeah, I would rule out Lee, I think.

OK.

Well, I mean... That's very easy, then.

If you're ruling out Sara and you're ruling out lee,

I'll rule out Chris and we can move on.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It is time to make a decision.

So, you...? You think...?

LAUGHTER

For God's sake! Sara! It's Sara! I'm overruling...

-So you're saying Sara?

-Sara.

You're saying it's Sara. Good man!

I'll be so unhappy if I'm wrong!

LAUGHTER

If I'm wrong, Christmas is over!

LAUGHTER

OK. They're saying that it's Sara.

Dennis, would you please reveal your true identity?

Yes, I'm Dennis,

and Chris and I staged a burglary together.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yes, Dennis is Chris' burglary buddy!

Thank you very much, Dennis.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stay there!

Just say that one more time.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Chris and I staged a burglary together.

LAUGHTER

He has got quite a squeaky voice, hasn't he?

Thanks very much, Dennis!

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.

And we start with...

It's David.

Aged nine, I undertook my first ever acting role

as Joseph in the school Nativity,

a performance described in my end-of-year report

as "world-weary".

LAUGHTER

Lee's team.

Why did they describe it as world-weary?

I think perhaps I thought Joseph would be tired

after the long journey...

-SARA:

-It's a long journey, yes.

..and the donkey, and finding the... And perhaps I overdid the tiredness.

And didn't get...

I didn't get into the wonder, perhaps, to the extent that...

Yes, but I think acting coaches would say, you know, don't...

-You didn't go for the obvious thing of wonder.

-Yeah.

Obviously, you had an instinct

for this wonderful doubt that he must've felt.

You know, how did this happen? You know...

Exactly.

LAUGHTER

I don't know whether I understood that at that age...

Could you give us, perhaps, as a treat at Christmas,

a little taste of the performance?

Just give us a soupcon.

I have some stuff here that could help you.

Let's see.

You can be the three kings.

Oh, lovely. Pass them along.

There, pass them along.

Now, then, imagine it was Joseph and Mary arriving, so why don't...?

Richard, you can be Mary.

-Thank you, that's very kind.

-There we are.

Would you like to be a shepherd, Sir Tom?

I'd very much like to be a shepherd.

All right, you know what to do with it.

Here's the baby. Now, remember, you've got to hide Baby Jesus.

He doesn't appear until later in the script.

Yeah, well, I think that's...

-That's Mary's job.

-Oh, I know exactly where to hide that!

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Something for David.

There we are.

And then...

Tom, would you mind holding the star as well?

I'll be Father Christmas as the innkeeper.

All right. You haven't arrived yet.

What, do you mean in my career?

LAUGHTER

Oh, no, that's been and gone.

LAUGHTER

So.

HE SIGHS

LAUGHTER

Just... I've literally just had a text from Sonia at my NCT class

and they've had the baby!

-Oh, right.

-And look at me, still.

-LAUGHTER

Richard, Richard, I think you're getting the period

a little bit wrong. LAUGHTER

-In those days, no texts, nothing like that.

-I just...

I've just seen a star in the sky

and it's Sonia from my NCT class!

LAUGHTER

-And they've had the baby.

-Oh, that's...

-That's nice.

-It's a boy.

Can you stop going on about Sonia?

LAUGHTER

It's just, I'm sorry, I know you get on with her,

but it's been a long journey.

-Yeah, but that's because...

-LAUGHTER

That's because her husband, Adam, has already painted the nursery...

-and certain people haven't.

-It's...

LAUGHTER

This dates back to Homes Under THe Hammer.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm sorry, I'm very...

You know, I find the whole thing very touching, but...

LAUGHTER

..I haven't got any lines.

LAUGHTER

Oh, Sir Tom, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm going to give you a line.

-SARA:

-Tom?

I've got something, it's all right, I know.

All right, you've got something, all right. So get ready.

So, the baby's coming.

OK. Look!

-Oh.

-Oh!

And now a shepherd has appeared!

I kick off every Christmas morning

with a bowl of cornflakes in a sea of Baileys.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, there we are. Now, there's our performance.

So, are you willing to believe that David

was a world-weary Joseph at nine years old?

-Yes, definite from me.

-True?

-Yeah.

He would have been a clever boy at nine years old.

They would have asked him to be Joseph

because he's got the gift of the gab.

-And, at nine, he did have a beard.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

It was harder for Richard to get the part of Mary

cos he was that height at nine.

LAUGHTER

Like it was impossible for you to get the part of one of the wise men.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

APPLAUSE

What are you going to say?

We will say it is a truth!

A truth, you're saying truth. David,

truth or lie?

And it is a...

lie.

APPLAUSE

It was a lie!

David didn't play a world-weary Joseph

in his school Nativity!

BUZZER

Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show!

And I can reveal that David's team have won

by five points to one.

APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching. Goodnight!