Episode 1 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening

and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show where dishonesty is

sometimes the best policy.

On Lee Mack's team tonight, a woman who 30 years ago gave up nursing

to become a comedian, so if you're in a waiting room

hoping she'll be out to see you soon, she won't.

It's Jo Brand.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a former Labour MP who when he appeared on Strictly was

described by the other contestants as a good hugger in times

of need. Let's be clear, there'll be no times of need tonight.

Please welcome Ed Balls.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's team, a former Pussycat Doll,

dancer and TV personality who's also released a fragrance.

I did that once, I blamed it on the dog. Kimberly Wyatt.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian who once snogged two Spice Girls, providing the

inspiration for their big hit, Stop Right Now, Thank You Very Much.

David Baddiel.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists

each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they have no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

And we're starting tonight with Ed.

Now don't let me down, you've had years of training.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I once negotiated the Home Office budget whilst crawling

through a children's ball pit.

Right. David.

What was your job at that point?

I was the Economic Adviser to the Chancellor to the Treasury

and, um...so...my job to sort out public spending.

When you say negotiated it, who else was in the ball pit?

I was the only person employed by the Government in the ball pit,

but I was on the phone to

Number 10 Downing Street to...arguing about money.

Do you have children?

Yeah. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Why had you gone into the ball pit - was it for...?

-To...

-For a private sort of ball area to discuss the Home Office

budget or were the children you were responsible for

getting in trouble with the balls?

There was the younger one which was in quite a lot of trouble.

So you'd followed,

gone into the ball pit to extricate some ball-based crisis...

On the... On the phone.

Ah. Oh, so the call started before you went into the ball pit?

-I'm just sitting there having a coffee.

-Yeah.

So what was the crisis?

Phone rings. David Blunkett wanted more police officers.

No, no, what was the crisis in the ball pit?

LAUGHTER

What was the political crisis,

-what was the problem in the ball pit that made you go in?

-Yeah.

There was screaming and cries for help. It was a blockage.

And there are tunnels and things, are there?

-Tunnels and slides, and...

-Ah, right.

The way it works is you have ball pit, ball pit, ball pit,

-tunnels, kind of ladders, all sorts of stuff and...

-It's his Tommy Cooper impression.

-AS TOMMY COOPER:

-Ball pit, ball pit, ball pit, tunnels, tunnels, tunnels, ball pit, ball pit, tunnels.

Can I... Can I just ask, was the blockage balls or was it a child?

Um... Oh, I think it-it was...

And if you went in there, wouldn't you have caused a bigger blockage?

It was... But sometimes you've just got to go in.

Who has rung you up?

Jeremy Heywood, he was the Principal Private Secretary

to the Prime Minister and he's now the Cabinet Secretary.

The problem was David Blunkett wanted the police officers,

we didn't have enough money, and Jeremy was ringing me to try and sort out the problem.

-That's a lot of people wanting stuff.

-And I'm on the phone and suddenly the cry comes

and do I admit to Downing Street that I'm in a children's

ball play area or do I try and bluff it out?

I didn't want to admit that I was more focused on children's

ball areas than sorting out...

Oh, no.

No. You're right about that, Ed, that wouldn't have helped.

So let's go through... Let's go through the phone call.

I will be the person - who was the person that called you, Jeremy?

-Jeremy Heywood.

-Jeremy Heywood.

-He's the Cabinet Secretary of the country.

OK, and what sort of person is he? Give me something to work with.

Nice guy, so he rings up and says, "We've got a problem."

No, no, Ed, you don't understand, I want the voice.

Is he northern, southern, old, young?

He's exact... Sounds exactly like Tom Jones.

Excellent!

LAUGHING

AS TOM JONES: So listen, huh.

What is he - old, young, north, south?

-My age.

-Your age, quite old, he's north, south?

-At the time, we were young.

-You were young.

He-he's sort of southern, I would say.

OK. Ed, Ed, Ed, we've got a real problem.

-Oh, look, he's working...

-So I'm like this,

and I'm talking to you, I'm saying you know, it wasn't...

I'll play a ball blockage.

And then, well, I'm-I'm, sort of, I'm saying... I'm saying...

I'll be a child, then. Help!

It's not clear, it's not clear.

-Help!

-It's not clear.

He-lp, help!

It's not clear it's value for money.

Help, help! Dad, Dad, help!

Well, I'll tell you what, there's your publicity shot.

So, Ed, how did this all resolve itself? Did-did-did you solve..?

We got the police officers in the end, but not the...

Not-not that!

Ed, we're not so concerned about...

We're worried about the children. The children.

I mean, I'm wondering, do you still have access to them?

Basically, I grabbed the legs and I pulled.

-Yeah?

-I pulled him out.

Out he came.

And was it your child?

-I don't...

-What do you think?

Well, this is entirely possible.

-It is.

-Yeah.

I think it's true.

The only thing that makes me doubt it, really, is the coincidence

of the balls at the location and the balls in Ed's surname.

-Right.

-That's why you doubt it?

-That's why I doubt it.

-Really?

Yeah, because that's what makes it something that someone would have

invented and written on a card to be read out for a television programme.

What do you think, Kimberly? Does it sound truthful to you?

-There's a big part of me that does think it's true.

-Hm.

Yes, cos I think that Ed Balls, every time

he talks about things, the job comes first.

-Oh, always.

-So I could see him kind of going through the ball pit

making sure that this sort of came first but still making sure -

-cos he's a lovely guy - making sure the kids are OK.

-Oh, he's a great guy. He's a great guy.

You're the captain, but if your only quibble is the pun of Balls

and balls, then I think we should ignore that and move forward.

I think it may be too late to ignore it.

You both think it's true, we'll say true.

You're going to say it's true. OK.

Ed, truth or lie?

It is in fact...

..true.

That was very well done. Well done.

Yes, it's true.

Ed did negotiate a Home Office budget whilst crawling

through a ball pit.

Kimberly, you're next.

OK.

My ability to do the splits proved invaluable when my car broke down.

-Right.

-Wow!

-Lee's team.

-To establish the facts, can you do the splits?

-Yes, I can.

-Well, there's an interesting thing

cos may I be the first to say, Kimberly, that you...

I mean, I'm taking a risk saying it, but are pregnant.

-I am pregnant.

-Thank God!

We wouldn't ask you to do the splits now, obviously.

If you want to see the splits...

-Not whilst you're pregnant.

-..I can do them.

You can do the splits now even though you're pregnant?

Yeah.

What are you, some kind of freak?

-Well, let's hold that for a minute, let's hold that.

-I'm a dancer.

For now, let's assume she can.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, the whole nation now wants to see the splits.

You-you-you're turning down the chance to see a pregnant Pussycat Doll do the splits?

I can't believe it!

It's not the whole nation, it's-it's roughly half.

That is... That is... That is so untrue!

OK, ready?

-Whoa!

-Oh! Whoa!

Oh!

Whoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kimberly, I'm very happy to tell you it's a boy.

LAUGHTER

OK, let's assume that she can do the splits.

She can do the splits!

She can do the splits. Well, the card...

The card doesn't say, "I can do the splits," does it?

The card says... What was it the card said again?

My ability to do the splits proved invaluable when my car broke down.

-OK.

-So what happened?

Yes.

So I was driving to LA

to look for a job as a dancer, and my car started smoking

and, like, leaking, so I pulled to the nearest truck stop, or...

Petrol station, a services, a services.

Petrol station, thank you. Yes, and wanted to fix the car myself,

so I intended to lift the bonnet...

Good start.

-..and assess the situation and fix it.

-Right.

But the bonnet of the car was really heavy.

Can I not just check, don't you lot call it the hood?

I do, but I'm... I've been here, living here for five years

so my language is starting to shift.

Or get better, as we call it.

Yeah! My husband... My husband says he's fixing me, yes.

So, the bonnet is really heavy,

and the thing that holds the bonnet up is nowhere to be seen.

-Oh, dear.

-Oh!

-I'm in a pickle, so I look...

-Is your leg about to..?

-No, no, you're not going to tell us...

-So I look for a stick.

-No way! Is that where this is leading?

Look, I know I want to put oil in my car and I need two hands to do it.

-No.

-No way!

-So the shop helped me make, like, a-a funnel.

-No!

And I had the other hand with the oil,

-but I needed to get the bonnet up, so I used my leg...

-No.

-Why couldn't you get a truck driver?

-..so I could fill the oil.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Or, even better, there was someone helping you with the thing,

why didn't you say, "Actually, is there any chance you could hold it?"

and that's when the little Welsh helper said, "No, I think

"it's better that you do it."

"I think it'll be better if you did this."

So you... So the hood is up, you've got your leg up, what happened then?

Then I was putting oil in my car,

in the engine, I heard a couple of guys chuckling...

While doing the splits?

While doing the splits.

Why didn't you ask the guys to help you?

Well, you know what, Lee? That's exactly what happened,

I turned around and I said, "Do you want to help me?" and they both...

And these two chuckling guys,

they weren't the Chuckle Brothers, were they?

They may have been.

They crossed their arms and said, "Mm-mm," and continued to laugh.

No.

So is there not a world in which you can put everything on the floor,

-lift the hood up with one hand...

-Oh, yes, yes.

..take the lid off, get the funnel, put the funnel in...

Hang on, where are you putting the chicken and the fox?

Hm, I suppose, you're reaching down a bit,

but I suppose it's tricky, but it would definitely be, it would

be tricky, but it would be higher up the list than, "I'll use my foot."

So, what do you think? Is it the truth?

-I...

-Well, I'm torn here because I-I wouldn't...

I wouldn't give it a moment's thought, this is definitely

a lie, but she can do it, she can stick her leg in the air quite high.

It's a lie, she can do it, but she didn't need to do it,

she wouldn't have done it.

What I can't believe is that if two old gits won't come and help you,

of all people, to do your car, then...then America is finished,

so I kind of don't believe it, really,

I can't believe that two people wouldn't help.

-Well, because this has turned the British public.

-If it was me...

Up until now we were quite positive about your country.

-The special relationship ends here.

-It ends now.

So, Lee, what's it going to be?

So you're both saying a lie, I'll go with my team

and say it's got to be a lie.

It's a lie. Kimberly, truth or lie?

It is...

..true.

No way! Wow!

Yes, it's true.

Kimberly did hold her car bonnet open by doing the splits.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Billy.

APPLAUSE

So, Ed, what is Billy to you?

This is Billy, my karaoke partner.

When I let rip as Lionel Ritchie, he was my Diana Ross.

All right. Jo, how do you know Billy?

This is my neighbour Billy.

I once stole his wheelie bin

then texted him instead of my husband to tell him what I'd done.

Right. Finally, Lee, what is your relationship with Billy?

This is Billy, he drives a barge and once whilst I was enjoying

a view from a bridge, I accidentally dropped my ice cream on his head.

There we have it.

So, is Billy Ed's karaoke companion,

Jo's dustbin donor or Lee's sticky skipper?

David's team, where do you want to begin?

We'll start with Ed. What was the karaoke occasion?

It was an event at the Labour Party Conference in Manchester.

What is Billy, politically?

He's involved in the trade union movement.

-Oh.

-Oh, right.

-Oh.

-And did you know him before?

Of course, yeah.

And-and you were singing what song?

Endless Love.

Endless Love? OK. Can you do it now?

Er...

Do you know the bit in the middle?

Yeah.

# Uh, uh

# Uh uh uh uh

# Oh huh-uh

# Uh uh uh uh uh uh. #

It's not the version of Endless Love I know, I've got to be honest.

What, have you not heard the Morse code version before?

And, # Ah ah. #

You know it's a ballad, don't you, Endless Love?

It's a slow ballad.

You see, I don't know anything about music, as you know,

I disapprove of it...

..but, Endless Love I've heard of as a song and I reckon

if I heard it I would recognise it.

That hasn't happened yet, Ed, and you said

that you were Lionel Ritchie and-and that Billy was Diana Ross.

It's-it's-it's a difficult leap to make to picture Billy...

I mean, he's not a natural Diana Ross, is he?

-No.

-No.

We don't know what Billy sounds like, that's the great handicap.

Or indeed what Diana Ross looks like off stage.

LAUGHTER

But when-when you... When you were doing this,

how many people were there?

About 250.

And you sang in front of 250 people?

-Yeah.

-Goodness me. All right.

-And they called for more.

-More what?

-Drink?

-More drink.

So this is like an evening event at a Labour Party conference?

Yeah, in 2010.

So who's there? Is it a..?

It was at the end of a Labour leadership election campaign,

and I didn't win the election,

but we had the best end-of-campaign party by far.

Well, that's the main thing, isn't it?

Perhaps you... Perhaps you'd expended...

The thing is, you shouldn't start planning the end-of-campaign party

too early. Maybe the more slap-dash end-of-campaign parties are

ironically at the end of the more focused campaigns.

All right, so who would you like to quiz next?

Jo, he's your neighbour?

Yeah.

-I've been to your house.

-Yeah.

I never saw him.

He was out with his mates Stan

and Fred - they were doing The Supremes that night.

Why did you target Billy's bin?

Because, actually, in the past, Billy had taken our bin.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh!

Had you been binless since Billy stole your bin?

No, he swapped them over cos our bin's nicer than his,

and on a couple of occasions... Because when-when the bin men

come down the road they don't always distribute them back outside

the houses that...so you have to go down the road looking for...

and on a couple of occasions I noticed he'd slid our bin into his drive.

He'd swapped your bins,

and you swapped them back?

Yes. Yeah.

It was a chain reaction.

And had you then...

Brilliant, brilliant.

I know what David's going to ask - why did I steal Billy's manky bin?

-Yes!

-Yes, yeah.

Just for-for the hell of it, for a joke.

I just took it, right, and I hid it.

Explain the text message thing - I didn't quite grasp that.

Well, I meant to send a text to my husband saying,

"Guess what, I've just stolen Billy's bin,

"so knickers to him" - sorry, Billy -

and unfortunately I sent it to him.

Jo's husband is called Bernie and he is called Billy,

so it is possible that they are close on her phone.

-Ah.

-Yes, that's...

-Ah.

-Very good.

-That is...

-Are you friends with Billy?

I thought you were going to say, "Are you friends with Bernie?"

No, not really.

Not any more.

I'm not too close to Bernie but I'm a bit too close to Billy.

And how did he react?

Once you'd sent the text to him, did he respond to you, how did it go?

Yeah, he texted back, "I don't think this is meant for me."

Ah, right.

I think here's the problem.

I think Jo has definitely done this with someone in her

neighbourhood, but is it Billy?

-Whereas... Yeah.

-But I don't know if it's him.

Whereas Lee definitely hasn't dropped

an ice cream on a barge man's head. We know that, we know that.

Well, let's... Let's... That's an assumption.

No, no, and I'm very happy to spend up to 40 minutes of my life

pointlessly discussing that.

So, Lee, tell me what... Tell me what happened with you and the ice cream.

I was on a bridge, I was admiring the view.

Where, where... What bridge?

What is a bridge? It spans water.

-Yes, what... Which bridge?

-Where is the bridge?

The bridge was just over the water.

Which water?

The water under the bridge.

Name the waterway.

I was on Richmond Bridge which was in... Oh, now, where is it?

Well, anyway, I was on Richmond Bridge

and the water in question was in fact the River Severn.

I'm not an idiot, you won't be able to get me, mate.

River Thames.

Yeah.

A barge went past.

Yeah, and you had an ice cream, so it was summer, was it?

-Might have been, you can get ice-creams in the winter nowadays, you know.

-And...

What sort of ice cream was it?

Like that one but with something in my hand.

This is... Yes.

So, yes, I was holding... I was holding an ice cream.

-A cornet.

-Pardon?

A cone, or cornet, as they're called.

Yes, yeah, I was holding my ice cream.

-And what flavour of ice cream?

-Going tedeledede telededede.

What-what flavour of ice cream?

Your standard vanilla.

-OK.

-Standard vanilla?

-Standard vanilla, yeah.

-OK.

That was a lovely Adam Ant song, wasn't it?

LAUGHTER

You topped Chain Reaction!

You've done it!

What event took place for the ice cream to fall out of your hand?

I was leaning over the bridge, I was slightly... I'd done all

the things you're supposed to do when an ice cream is melting.

I'd told the little 'un to lick the edges, right?

The little 'un?

The little 'un - Rob!

So I've got my cone.

I'm looking over the edge of the bridge like that and I'm looking

at the water and I'm looking at the view and I'm looking round, it's all

very lovely and I heard it, I heard that noise you hear, that, pff, pff,

pff, pffpfpfpfpfpf pff,

and of course it was Rob speaking Welsh, and...

LAUGHTER

Which apparently is Welsh for, "Lick your own edges,"

and that's when pff, beneath my legs, beneath the bridge,

beneath my legs, slid a large barge and I looked over like that

and I thought, "Oh, that's a nice barge," I thought, and I thought...

You really craned over to get a good view of the barge.

I did, I like...

Taking your ice cream with you across the thick stone

-balustrade of the bridge.

-I wa... I leaned...

Right over, "Come with me, ice cream, maybe...

"maybe you'd like to see, as well.

"Come on, vanilla, let's have a look."

I didn't go the full, 103... 90 degrees. I sort of did a 45.

I sort of leaned over that, but as any man will tell you, or woman...

You only have to lean, what?

That much and your ice cream can go.

OK, so, so, Billy, can I... Can I move onto Billy?

-Please move onto Billy.

-Was he standing like that?

Standing exactly like that, and then in front of him, a massive boat.

So he's not actually... Cos he's standing a little

bit like those women on the end of big boats used to.

I'll ask you a question, David, right,

is he standing more like a man on a barge or more like Diana Ross?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, we need an answer.

So, David's team, is Billy Ed's karaoke companion,

Jo's dustbin donor,

or Lee's sticky skipper?

Only in the Beano would an ice cream land on a bald man's head in that way.

-Yeah.

-Although, what do you think, Kimberly?

-I think it's between Jo and Ed.

-Right.

-Am I not getting a look-in at all?

-No.

Good, cos even I was doubting it.

I could see Ed and Billy arm-in-arm singing karaoke.

I sort of think it's Jo cos I-I could believe that Jo would,

you know, unnecessarily reignite some unpleasantness in her street.

All right, so what are you going to say?

It's a terrible, terrible story, but I'm afraid I think it's true.

You're going for Jo.

-We going for..?

-Jo.

Jo. I think we are going with Jo.

All right. OK. Billy, would you please reveal your true identity?

I am Billy,

and I was the Diana Ross to my Lionel Ritchie.

APPLAUSE

Yes.

Billy really was Ed's karaoke companion,

and...it gets better.

Oh, my gosh!

It's an interesting new definition of the word "better."

Ladies and gentleman, this is a treat.

The lyrics are on the autocue, just there, OK?

I can't see the words.

Now, listen, listen. Listen.

That's it, that's it, that's it. That's what we want.

Right, I'm going to hold it for you.

Well done, Rob.

-OK?

-Yeah.

Music maestro, please.

MUSIC STARTS

# My love

# There's only you in my life

# The only thing that's right. #

This is your bit, Billy, this is your bit.

# My! #

-Not yet!

-Oh.

# My first love

# You're every plan that I take

# You're every step I make. #

-Get ready, Ed.

-# And now

# I want to share all my love with you

-# You know I can do

-Oh, you know I can do

# My, and you tell me how much you care

# Cos all my love inside

# I'll give it all to you

# My-My endless loves My endless love. #

APPLAUSE

What are we doing?!

Billy!

Which brings us to our final round,

Quick-fire Lies, and we start with...

It's David Baddiel.

In a quest to improve my jawline,

I once bought myself a chin gym.

Lee's team.

Right.

I-I think that's true.

LAUGHTER

What's a chin gym, first of all?

A chin gym is a device to help you if you have a double or

triple chin, and it's like a sort of L-shaped bit of plastic

and you-you bite it really hard and then you have tiny little

weights that you put on the other end of it and you're like, "Ahhh,"

and then you take weights off, put them back on again, that's a chin gym.

What was the thing you were trying to solve -

was your chin particularly weak or was it just fat?

What were you... What was the diagnosis?

I have a beard, and I only really have a beard

because I have a double chin, and I think, wrongly, obviously,

that this gives me the illusion of a jawline,

and the reason that I have that is that the chin gym didn't work.

How many times a day did you have to do it, then?

Well, one of the things about the chin gym is you can do it

whilst you're doing something else.

While you're writing, for example,

while you're watching telly, you can do it, while you're reading.

-But-but you were... But you were really trying to tone up your chin, were you?

-Yes.

Trying to tone it?

You're-you're saying this as if you can't

think of the idea of toning up your chin.

-I can't.

-That surprises me.

All you can do is build muscle up, can't you, to-to...

-There's no muscle in your chin.

-There's no muscle there.

-Yeah, there is muscle in your chin.

-Yes, there is.

-There is.

-There's muscles everywhere.

-I know there's muscles everywhere...

-Muscles are in your jaw.

-I'm feeling this, and I'm feeling a lot of...

-Let me feel.

-Don't touch me, Balls!

I'm feeling...

Don't touch me balls?!

LAUGHTER

Can I ask you, because when people exercise in the gym,

they'll often put on music, so would you put on The Eye Of The Tiger, or..?

There aren't-there aren't that many chin based...

Chin chimmery, chim chimmery chim chim cheeroo.

Good point, although you called it chim chimmery.

-Well...

-..which I think is wrong.

Chim chim-e-ney.

Chim chim-e-ney.

It's certainly not chin.

Chin chinnery, what would a chinnery be, a place chins were stored?

Like a serial killer would store the chins of his victims.

See the chinnery.

What kind of serial killer is that?

A very eccentric serial killer. I only... I only keep the chins.

How long did you stick with it as a method, how long did you go with it?

Well, it was in my house for about seven years,

but I used it perhaps twice.

Twice?

So, what do you think - is he telling the truth?

-Well, I think it's true.

-You do?

Yeah, I can imagine people being a bit desperate

to get rid of their-their double chin and thinking...

-But it's the way he...

-.."I'll have a go at this."

But the way he's described the contraption I'm just thinking it's

nothing that a ruler and a small can of beans wouldn't sort out.

You're saying?

Well, I think it could be true.

Well, then let's say it's true, shall we, then? We'll go for true.

-All right.

-Preposterous but true.

True. David the chin gym, truth or lie?

It is...

..true.

Yes! That was good, we got one.

BUZZER

That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that the scores are tied - it's a draw.

Thank you for watching. We'll see you next time. Goodnight.