Episode 2 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show that separates the truth from the twaddle.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, an actor who recently hosted

Channel 4's Fake News, a panel show all about lying - it'll never work.

It's Stephen Mangan.

And an actress whose award-winning stage and screen work

spans an incredible 60 years.

I'm so sorry it's come to this, it's Sheila Hancock.

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, she's a roving reporter

for the One Show, where her hard-hitting reports saw her

visit all 19 of Britain's Pencil Museums,

it's Anita Rani.

And the star of Catastrophe, Line Of Duty, and Shetland,

it's Mark Bonnar.

We begin as always with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists

each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

-Sheila, you're first up tonight.

-Oh.

I keep a spare front door key on my cat's collar.

If I ever get locked out, I simply call my cat

and he comes to my rescue.

-Lee's team.

-Wow.

-What's the name of your cat, Sheila?

Stanley.

Could you do the call? How do you call Stanley?

Meow!

Surely... Surely that's how he calls you?!

No, that's what Stanley says.

I was confusing, because when he wanted to come in,

I didn't have a cat flap

and I would do the intercom and say, "Are you there, Stanley?"

And he'd go, "Meow!"

So you haven't got a cat flap.

I haven't got a cat flap, no.

You haven't got a cat flap and the spare key is round his neck.

-Yeah.

-What happens if you come and he's in the house?

He doesn't have them on when he's in the house.

Oh, he takes them off, does he, when he comes in?

-I take them off.

-Does he take it off and hide it under the brick for you

when you go in?

I take them off when it's in the house, cos it jingles.

So do you put him out every time you leave the house?

-Yes, I do.

-You do.

-I do.

Are you not worried about burglars seeing the key

around your cat's neck and then using him like a key ring

and just...?

No, no. No, cos he's...

"This key's not working!"

No, it's in a metal case, it looks almost like a whistle or something.

-Oh, I see.

-And you just pull it out and then inside there's a key.

Does he also wear one of those medallions with his address on it?

No, he's got a chip, he's got a chip inside him.

He's got a chip. Oh, yes, yes.

He doesn't need anyone to bring him home with his address

cos he can just come and go as he pleases with the key.

When was the last time you had to use this method?

-About a fortnight ago.

-What happened?

-I'd forgot my key. I left it inside.

-What time?

It was late at night and I'd just come back from the theatre.

It was about 11 o'clock.

Oh, what were you seeing? Don't say Cats.

I'd seen Jez Butterworth's new play.

Can I just ask why you don't mortice lock your door?

-Modest?

-Mortice.

-Let me interpret for my friend.

-In my defence, I'm from Scotland.

My friend is saying...

HE MUMBLES QUICKLY IN A THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT

I don't know what a mortice lock is.

Well, you know the big lock? Aye, if you unlock the big lock

and then you lock the... You unlock your Yale.

Well, no, he wouldn't be able to have a big key round his neck.

You obviously aren't that security conscious

if you've only got a Yale lock at all times.

I've only got a Yale lock.

-DAVID:

-I think if Sheila was that security conscious,

she wouldn't tie her key to her cat.

So two weeks ago, you went to the theatre

and you got back at sort of half ten at night, 11 o'clock.

-Yeah.

-What time do you get back from the theatre, usually about 11?

-About 11 yeah.

-Just making a note of this, I'm going to rob you.

All right, what are you going to say?

-Lie.

-You think it's a lie.

-Lie. I'm going with Mark, lie.

-I think she's too sensible to do this, Sheila.

-Yeah.

OK, you're saying it's a lie. Sheila, truth or lie?

Well, it is...

..a lie.

Yes, it's a lie.

Sheila doesn't keep a spare front door key on her cat's collar.

-Anita, you're next.

-OK.

The day I moved into my new house, I caused the whole street to be

shut down and my neighbours' homes to be evacuated.

David.

How did you cause that?

Because we thought we'd found a grenade in the house.

You thought you'd found a grenade?

-Yes.

-Where did you think you'd found a grenade?

Please don't tell me it was round your cat's neck?

It was our first day in our new house

and we were cleaning in the kitchen.

Where did you find the grenade?

On top of the cabinet, so it was kind of...

So it was an old, really old kitchen with low cabinets

and we thought we'd found a grenade.

What did the grenade look like?

A grenade?

No, what? Describe it.

Well, it was my husband that saw it first and he climbed up,

came down the stepladder very quickly

and said, "I think it's a grenade."

What you've done there is not a description of a grenade.

-So then I went to have a look...

-Yes.

-..and quickly came back down

and said, "Yeah, it looks like a grenade."

-What did it look like?

-OK, the only...

It's what I imagine a grenade would look like, because...

-That will do.

-Because I've never seen one.

-My client does not want to answer any more questions.

-Ah!

Because I've never seen one in real life before.

-And then what did you do?

-We called the police.

So the policewoman came round to our house, and she did the same thing,

she went up the stepladder, looked on top of the cabinet and

said, "I think it's a grenade, better call Sarge."

-So she phoned back...

-What is that?

-Sergeant.

-Oh, sorry I thought you meant...

-You know Sarge, yeah, Sarge.

No, I thought Sarge sounds like a thing like Spectre, doesn't it?

-Cobra.

-Cobra, yeah, Cobra.

You thought it was an acronym.

Yes, I... Yes, well done!

Can I just ask...?

You don't expect that, so credit where it's due.

Did anybody ask whether the pin was still in the grenade?

So, at this stage, we're still trying to find out what it is.

-So the policewoman has...

-Has Sarge come yet?

Sarge, is that an acronym?

No, it's not an acronym, it's a shortening of Sergeant.

So then Sarge has turned up.

Thank goodness they didn't call for the constable.

So sergeant's there.

He walks in, does the same thing, up the stepladder,

looks and goes, "OK, think it might be a grenade, we're in our..."

-I'll have to call the inspector.

-No.

Then several hours later, the Prime Minister comes in...

Nearly! At this point, he thinks, "I think it might be a grenade,"

so he actually phones the bomb squad.

So the bomb squad - really nice chap walks into the kitchen.

He walked up the stepladder, looked at it,

picked it up and went, "It's a lighter."

He took the risk of going...first.

They know, because they are the only people, let's be fair, who know

-what a grenade looks like.

-He turned round with his burned face,

and went, "Finally one that is a lighter.

"Argh, fifth time lucky!"

That's why they do their job,

because they know what a real grenade is and what a fake one is.

So what are you thinking, is it the truth?

What do you think, Sheila?

Oh, I'm puzzled by this one.

There was a hesitation right at the very beginning

while she tried to think up a story, I thought.

I think it's true, because I like the detail of the policemen

going up one by one and looking at it and thinking,

"Oh, I'm not sure about this, I'd better get someone,"

and it makes a lot of sense to me that people would pass

the buck down the line. I think it's true.

Right, true, lie, true, lie...

Ah, lie.

Anita, was it the truth or was it a lie?

It was...

..true!

Yes, it's true.

Our next round is called This Is My... where we bring on

a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, John.

So, Sheila, what is John to you?

Well, this is John and he disrupted a show I was in

with an explosive attack of the hiccups.

Stephen, how do you know John?

This is John, we once spent an hour hiding from a piece of rope

because we thought it was a snake.

And, finally, David, what's your relationship with John?

This is John.

I was the only person to attend his neighbourhood watch meeting...

..so we spent ten minutes drawing a map of the road,

then gave up and watched an episode of Knight Rider.

So, there we have it. Lee's team, where to begin?

-Shall we start with Sheila?

-Yeah.

-What was the show?

It was a musical called Grey Gardens,

which I did last year at Southwark Playhouse.

It's a fringe theatre, so the audience are right on top of you

and you can hear everything.

And at the beginning, I could hear this person sort of

-supressing something...

-SHE GULPS

..like that, and then there was a really quiet moment

and he had the most terrible attack of hiccups.

SHE HICCUPS

It was just like as though he was choking almost.

-So, eventually, I...

-You say... Sorry, "eventually"?

You thought he was choking and you did something "eventually"?

-No, I knew he wasn't choking.

-How did you know he wasn't choking?

-But he was making a choky type noise.

-Oh, OK, all right.

So I had a glass that was supposed to be whiskey,

but was actually water, so I went over to him and I made him drink out

the back of the glass.

I mean, the audience were applauding like mad.

What was your character?

I was playing this old lady and it's a story of these two women,

they were discovered surrounded by cats and animals.

-They were probably locked out.

-Stanley!

I'm curious as to how long it was before you stopped the show.

-I mean...

-Well, I let it go on for about two, three minutes.

And what were you doing at the time?

I was singing, I was trying to sing.

-You were in the middle of a song?

-Yes.

What was the song, Sheila?

So, I Love You, I Love You. It's a song that she sings

to her daughter and it's a very poignant moment.

But you can't do a poignant moment with someone going...

-SHE HICCUPS

-No, I'm kind of surprised.

To be honest, I'm kind of surprised that John

-didn't take it upon himself to leave the theatre.

-Yeah.

He was embarrassed, poor darling. He's stuck in this show.

So you thought, you'll help him with his embarrassment...

-I sort of did.

-..by making him drink upside down with a glass of water.

No! The audience were getting really aggressive with him

-as the...

-What were they doing?

Well, they were going, "Shush, shush, shush," like that to him.

But they must have known that it's an involuntary action

-and he's not doing it deliberately.

-No, but audiences are like that.

It's in a lovely moment,

they were enjoying the show and suddenly this idiot's going...

SHE HICCUPS

So they were going, "Shh!" And he's going...

-HE HICCUPS

-Shh, shh!

Are you sure it wasn't like the house version of the song?

Maybe it's bit more garage.

# Shh, ah, shh, ah

# Shh, shh, ah, ah. #

Is that what you think house music sounds like?

And, I quote, "Shh, shh, huh, huh,

"shh, shh, huh, huh."

I would say of all the genres of music,

although house isn't close,

it's the closest unless you can tell me what that is closer than.

I would say it's a very experimental avant-garde...

-..East Berlin...

-Philip Glass.

-..in the early '30s.

I certainly wouldn't call it house music,

in a desperate attempt to get down with the kids.

I don't think 1930s East German is actually a genre of music.

-I'm saying...

-You've given me a decade and a country.

Yeah, in fact, you've also given a country that didn't exist

-in the decade you've given.

-Yes!

Well spotted! Well spotted!

But you notice that Lee didn't spot it.

Right, who would you like to quiz next?

We'll go with Stephen, shall we?

Just remind us, Stephen, just refresh our memories.

This is John, we once spent an hour hiding from a piece of rope

because we thought it was a snake.

Where were you?

We were in California.

Right, and how do you know this gentleman?

-I'm related to him.

-In what... How?

-How?

Well, some of our relatives are, were, you know...

-We're cousins.

-You're cousins.

-Yeah.

-OK, so you're in California.

-Yeah.

-And what are you camping, are you?

-We're camping.

-What age were you?

-I was nine...

-Nine?

-..teen.

-Oh.

Who was camping?

-We were.

-Just the two of you?

-Just the two of you?

-Just the two of us, yeah.

-Yellowstone?

-No, no, no.

-Yosemite?

-No.

-Big Sur?

-No.

Doesn't matter what type of snake it was.

So, who spotted it first?

We're in a tent, and I wake up and we're in the woods

and it's California.

Oh, you're not at a camp site then, you're just going wild.

-Not in a camp site, no.

-OK.

And I see a snake on the roof of the tent.

So you saw the shadow, the silhouette.

We saw a shadow of a snake. So I say to him, "I think there's a snake."

-He says, "I think there is."

-Yeah.

-But it wasn't moving.

But we watched it, because we thought maybe it was asleep.

How long did you watch it for?

-For about 40 minutes.

-Right.

And you were too scared to like try and sneak out the front way and run?

-Well, we did come up with a plan.

-Oh, OK.

Which was one of us was going to hit it and knock it away from the tent.

-Yeah.

-And then it would fly away and then we'd dash out of the tent.

-Hit it with your bare hand?

-I think it was a pillow, actually.

You took pillows camping?

-Glamping.

-Don't you?

-So one of us hit it.

-Yeah, with the pillow?

And the snake flew up in the air

and then landed right back down on top of the tent.

-When it settled and it was still again...

-Yeah.

..you now know it's definitely not a live snake.

No, we think it may have been stunned.

Which one of you hit it?

I'd be lying if I said I remembered.

Probably John who did it.

-Probably...

-HE STUTTERS:

-..John...

Probably...John.

I mean, it's not easy to remember blood relatives, is it?!

So what happens next?

-We decided one of us had to dash out of the tent...

-Yeah.

..and then see what the situation was.

And who did that?

And John very bravely said he would do it.

So quietly we got out of our sleeping bags, and to get him

a quick exit, I helped open the flap and he jumped out.

And then he turned around and he went,

"You won't believe this, it's a rope."

OK.

Mark, you seem to find a potentially life-threatening situation

rather amusing.

Can I ask Stephen, where had this rope come from?

It was on the tent, it was just a rope on the tent.

Ropes on tents are really thin. They're not like...

-Very thin snake.

-They've not got the girth of a snake.

It wasn't a snake like that.

No, I know, it was a piece of rope like that.

How could you think that... The most you could think of is a worm.

Yeah, but also you've got to remember...

"There's a worm! "Quick, get my pillow!"

..it's also early morning, so the sun is just coming up,

-casting a long shadow.

-Oh, yeah, I forgot

snakes are lot thinner in the morning, aren't they?

It was early morning, it'll be... They fatten up during the day.

That's a little thin bit of rope, that's nothing like a snake.

Unless you'd have said the shadow had somehow made it

-look like bigger.

-That's what I'm saying, it's early morning.

-You didn't say that!

-It's early morning, the sun is low.

-I said that.

-He did say that, although...

And made it look... I mean, you know.

Sometimes Lee doesn't totally listen to everything other people say.

It is true, that is a fair point.

OK, now what about David?

David, so remind us again, David.

Erm...

Oh, I can't remember.

I was the only person to turn up at John's

neighbourhood watch meeting and then gave up and watched an episode

of Knight Rider.

How well do you know your neighbour?

Not very well, but a bit.

There'd been little, a sort of photocopied note had gone round

about this meeting.

A photocopied note?!

-It's e-mail these days.

-But how do you know each other's e-mails

before you start neighbourhood watch?

Well, they've not... They've started it, he's in it.

No, but this is before, this is the first meeting, isn't it?

Yeah, it's the first meeting to set it up.

-Oh, I do apologise, sorry, carry on.

-Yeah.

Sorry, I must apologise about Rob. Sometimes he doesn't listen.

And anyway, so between me and my wife,

we decided that one of us should go

and we thought that it, you know...

-And she thought...

-She thought...

-..it should be you.

And it turned out I thought that, too.

And it started off by drawing, you were drawing a map.

-Map of the street.

-Yeah, well, then...

Why were you drawing a map of the street?

Because John wanted to explain, the area he thought the neighbourhood,

this neighbourhood watch group should cover.

How many houses away do you live from him?

Erm...

He's...

I think next door but four?

Next door but four. So, let's say five houses away.

Cos that's a very weird way to describe...

Next door but four!

I've never heard anyone say, "He lives next door but four."

It just somehow doesn't work.

Next door but one, is the limit to how much you can use that.

You can't just keep adding numbers on.

Go for it, I'm going for it.

I'm going next door but 40,000, that's where the Queen lives.

Was Knight Rider on telly or did he have it on a DVD?

He had it on a DVD.

So I'm a massive fan of Knight Rider, I've got all of them.

Which one was this?

-Which what?

-Which episode. You understand the question.

I don't remember the title of the episode.

No, but what happened in the episode?

What happened in the episode? I'd be interested to hear this.

Michael Knight...

Settle down, because this will be very interesting.

..is driving along...

-Michael Knight, that's a good start, Michael Knight.

-Yeah, yes.

As I remember, he's driving along in KITT, and he's driving

absolutely on the speed limit, but not above the speed limit.

Even in your anecdotes, health and safety is important.

It's important to the plot.

He's driving at... And it says on the on KITT's digital dial,

55mph, which is the speed limit in America.

And the police pull him over.

It turns out that he is driving over the speed limit,

but there's something wrong with KITT, it's all askew.

Hang on, I'm just trying to remember the episode of Knight Rider

where the story was about the speedometer being slightly broken.

That's a coincidence, cos I'm trying to do the same thing.

All right, we need an answer.

So, Lee's team, is John Sheila's helpless hiccuper,

Stephen's cowardly companion,

or David's Knight Riding neighbour?

What do you think, Mark?

Er, I... There...

It seems to me you can drive a bus through the holes

in all three of them. I don't know.

Stephen's snake, he had me until the pillow.

Yeah, I just don't think David, even though he's a really nice man,

I just don't think he'd have the patience.

I'll have to pull you up on that.

Cos anyone else would just feel like,

-"Why don't we just go down the pub, mate?"

-No, not David.

-Not David, no.

-David's never ended a sentence with "mate."

Mate, OK, fine! Fair enough.

Except when playing chess!

Of course. Even for you, David, that was quite middle class.

Yes, I'll go, "Fair enough, you've won, mate."

And what about Sheila? The fringe theatre with the hiccups.

If I had the hiccups for two or three minutes, I would leave.

-Yeah.

-It's very difficult in those sort of theatres to get out.

-Yeah.

-They were trapped.

-They were trapped.

Well, but that's a fire and safety nightmare!

Right, who's it going to be?

I think it's Sheila. What do you think, Mark?

-Ah, David.

-Yeah.

-You think it's David.

-Yeah, I mean possibly.

-I think it's Stephen!

-Oh...

Lee Mack, make a decision. Be a captain.

Right, my decision, it's definite and it's clear

and I'm not going back on it.

-Anita, you are deciding.

-Oh, God!

I originally thought Sheila, but I'm going to go with Stephen.

-You're going to go with Stephen.

-Yeah.

-What you doing, Mark?

-Stephen!

-Stephen!

-Stephen, we're going to say Stephen.

-You're saying it's Stephen.

I don't know why.

John, would you please reveal your true identity?

Hi, I'm John...

..and Stephen and I hid from a piece of rope in a tent.

Yes, John is Stephen's cowardly companion.

Thank you very much, John.

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It's Lee.

Oh, says "possession."

Right, under the desk is a box, if you bring the box onto the desk.

Now, read the card first and then show us the possession.

I recently took a crash course in taxidermy

by the end of which, I'd managed to make this.

OK, show us what "this" is.

Pop it onto the desk.

Right, David's team, where would you like to begin?

What is it? I can't see it.

-Can we have a proper look?

-Hold it up.

That, Sheila, is what I call Mouse on a Skateboard.

-It's a mouse, is it?

-Would you like me to take it across?

-Please do.

-What's it made of?

-Made of mouse.

-Oh, my God.

-With a little bit of skateboard.

Oh, no!

-Oh.

-STEPHEN:

-How was he killed? He looks like he was...

I should point out that he wasn't killed.

He was found dead naturally.

It's like he was found walking down a very small alley.

-Careful, took ages.

-Oh.

OK, first of all, how long was this course?

This was the first course.

The course is... Well, it takes place over about 16 weeks,

-so four months.

-A crash course that's....

Taxidermy takes years to perfect, this is a crash course.

-And how often did you go?

-It happens every week.

-Once a week.

-For 16 weeks.

-That's not a crash course.

-It is.

-That's an evening class.

No, not in relation to the proper course, to become

a professional taxidermist, that takes four years.

Well, that goes on for 25 years and you meet once every six months?

That takes four years or until the animal dies.

How did you do that mouse?

Basically, we... I found a mouse.

Where?

There, on the stair.

And it had little clogs on.

I found the mouse actually in the cage,

which it was kept in because it was my child's pet.

AUDIENCE SIGHS

-And it was skateboarding?

-No, it wasn't skateboarding.

My son was a skateboarder,

and that's why he wanted the mouse on the skateboard.

What did you do with the mouse that you found?

Well, the first thing I did was,

I had to break the news to my son

and I said, "Your mouse is dead."

So that was that covered and then, he said,

"Oh, I don't want to lose him forever."

And I said, "In that case, it's the crash course at the taxidermist."

-So, wait a minute, the mouse dies.

-Correct.

You have a conversation with your son, "What are we going to do?

"Let's stuff him. I know, I'll learn,

-"I won't get a professional animal stuffer."

-Correct.

-And that's because...

-I'll learn to do it, you ring up the course,

they say, "There happens to be a 16-week course starting next week."

How many people were on the course?

I would say there was 12, 14, something like that.

-12.

-There was 12.

-12.

-12.

Sorry, no, it was a disciples convention.

Talk me through them, what sort of people were they?

There was Matthew, Mark, Luke...

Oh, sorry, there was a guy called Thomas,

he wasn't sure if he wanted to be there.

Tell us what you do.

The first thing you've got to do is always check

that the mouse is actually dead.

So, sorry, it's always a... It's always a mouse?

This course is just for mouse stuffers.

No-one had anything else they were interested in.

-So everyone, all 12 of you turn up, sit down...

-It was weird.

..get your mouse out.

Well, it was be... You've got to remember that it's

an introductory course. There was one guy, just one guy, Brian...

-A good entry level stuffer.

-..turned up with a giraffe.

He turned up with giraffe and he went,

"You want the advanced course, mate,

"cos we can't do this in 16 weeks.

"Next door, the one that's got the, you know, the Velux windows."

You can only stuff a giraffe

if you've got Velux windows, that's the first thing you learn.

What do you do, scoop the inside out?

Thank you. Someone finally interested in the art form.

The first thing you've got to do is get rid of the inside of the mouse.

-How?

-How do you do that?

Good question, Sheila.

You get a sharp blade and you make an incision from the back

of the skull all the way down to the tail.

So, what happens when you make that incision down the spine?

-Down the spine, yeah.

-What happens?

It can only be described as a very, very horrific pop-up book,

because I opened it up...

..and it's not a pretty sight.

I would only describe it as sort of mouse spine like.

And I went, "Oh," like that, and the fella said,

"First rule of Get Stuffed taxidermy crash course..."

He said... This is the interesting bit.

He went, "Never ever open them from the back."

Right, I learnt a lesson, I learnt a lesson.

You've got to learn, haven't you?

You've got to learn, you've got to learn.

-So what did you do?

-Well, I got my needle and thread.

So you stitched the mouse back up.

I had to stitch the mouse back up, get him back to how he was.

Turn him over, slice down the middle.

And then what did you do?

You have to... Effectively, there's no easy way of saying it,

I had to scrape out his insides.

-With what?

-With the tools, the tools that they give you.

-What sort of tool is it?

-Well, there's many, many tools.

You know those weird things you get when you're trying to get the

last bit of lobster out of the claw, it's like a little fork,

-it's got the...

-It wouldn't work with a giraffe though, would it?

Oh, no, a giraffe...

All you need for a giraffe is a spade and loads of bamboo.

-OK, so you scoop out...

-We learned that on day four.

What do you put back in to give him that healthy...?

You build individual fragments of bone shapes

but of metal and glue them all together.

It takes, ooh, 15 weeks on a Thursday night.

What do you think, David?

It sounds very plausible to me, but what does your team think?

Sheila, what do you think?

-No, I think it's a lie.

-You think it's a lie?

I can't see why anyone wouldn't believe that.

I don't think there's any level on which any of us believe that.

-It's a lie.

-They're saying it's a lie. Lee...

-Yeah.

..is it the truth or is it a lie?

Oh, I actually have to go through the thing of pressing the button?

Lie.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show

and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by three points to one.

Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time, goodnight.