Episode 3 Would I Lie to You?


Episode 3

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You?

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The show with barefaced lies

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and well-masked truths.

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On David Mitchell's team tonight,

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an actress who once worked as a children's clown.

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She went from huge feet to Cold Feet.

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It's Fay Ripley.

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APPLAUSE

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And a DJ whose radio show

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is aimed at young, hip and with-it people.

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I would listen but it clashes with The Archers.

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It's Melvin Odoom.

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APPLAUSE

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And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

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a presenter who once competed for Wales in gymnastics.

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She literally bent over backwards for her country. It's Gabby Logan.

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APPLAUSE

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And a comedian whose first job was selling ice creams.

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I bet he made hundreds and thousands.

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It's James Acaster. APPLAUSE

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And we begin, as always, with Round 1, Home Truths,

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where our panellists each read out a statement

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from the card in front of them.

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To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

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they've no idea what they'll be faced with

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and it's up to the opposing team

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to sort the fact from the fiction.

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James, you're first up.

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I once spent the night in a bush in Basingstoke.

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LAUGHTER

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-David's team.

-Right.

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-That's a true.

-Yes!

-LAUGHTER

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Definitely.

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-APPLAUSE

-Definitely.

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Why were you spending the night in a bush in Basingstoke?

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I missed my train.

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Where do you live?

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Well, at the time,

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I lived in Kettering, in Northamptonshire,

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-rose of the shires.

-Mm-hmm. Why didn't you go to a luxury hotel?

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Well, David, at the time,

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I had no money...in my wallet at all, and my phone was dead.

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I had no way of contacting anyone.

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-That certainly adds up.

-Why a bush?

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Why not a bench or, like,

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somewhere warmer than a bush?

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-Well...

-Is a bench warmer than a bush?

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I would say a bush is warmer than a bench.

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I would have thought a bench is definitely colder than a bush.

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-It's more exposed.

-There's an old saying,

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"You're warmer in a bush than on a bench."

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LAUGHTER

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So, where was the bush?

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Paint the picture of the local area.

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It was right in front of the train station

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and there was, like, a little, like, pick-up point for taxis and stuff

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and then it went down a little bit to the road,

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and then right in front of the road, just a load of bushes.

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So you didn't look for a long time for a particularly comfy spot.

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I'll level with you, David.

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The amount of time it took me to decide to sleep in the bush

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was embarrassingly short.

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-Right.

-LAUGHTER

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Was it?

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Now, that does surprise me.

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It was a quick decision.

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You missed your train, and you go, "Right, that's it,"

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and you immediately, like... 14 seconds later, you're snoring.

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Well, I actually didn't get to sleep. It was scary.

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I was freezing, actually,

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even though the bush...

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It was a nice, roomy bush.

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Can you remember the shape of the leaves?

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LAUGHTER

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It was, like, small, little, Basingstoke leaves.

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-Individual leaves.

-Yeah.

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Variegated?

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OK. You have to explain what that word means.

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LAUGHTER

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It means they're sort of...

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There's a sort of white bit on the outside, I think.

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I wasn't paying attention to the leaves.

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I had bigger problems at the time.

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I wasn't sitting in the bush going,

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"One day, I may have to justify

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"this entire experience on Would I Lie To You?

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"I'd better memorise the leaves and whether they're...

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"gentrified," or whatever you said.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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-So, James, you've settled down in the bush...

-Yes.

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..and you're lying there, but it's cold.

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-Oh, I'm sitting there.

-Sitting in the bush.

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Sitting there, crossed-legged and cold. I had a T-shirt on.

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How were you going to get to sleep sitting?

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I was scared!

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-So I... I hadn't really...

-What were you scared of?

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It was Friday night in Basingstoke, there were hoodlums around.

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-The... But...

-And all you had on was a T-shirt.

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-And jeans.

-And jeans, of course.

-Yes.

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I still feel like the bench is warmer.

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LAUGHTER

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So, did anybody hear you in the bush, and come and investigate?

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At one point they did.

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At one point, some hoodlums stopped outside the bush.

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They said, "You know what we haven't done in a while?

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"We haven't...

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"We haven't beaten someone up in a while."

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LAUGHTER

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That's how they speak, David.

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Bullies speak like that to each other

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and I was in the bush

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and at the time I was wearing a red dress.

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LAUGHTER What did you say? What?

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I was wearing a dress by now.

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What? You said you were in a T-shirt.

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Originally I was in a T-shirt and then I had to put a dress on.

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LAUGHTER

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Why did you put a dress on?

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-Why?

-It was cold.

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Where did you get a dress from?

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-I had it in a bag.

-Why?

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I was making a short film and I had to buy the wardrobe for the cast.

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You're in the bush,

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the hoodlums had moved on, they didn't beat you up.

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I tricked them, I put the bag over my head.

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You seriously put the bag over your head?

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Yeah, put yourself in my shoes.

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They're saying they want to beat someone up.

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If they look down and see me wearing a dress,

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-it'll be like Christmas.

-LAUGHTER

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So I put the bag over my head,

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and now if they look down, they'll think...

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"Someone's left a bag...

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-"and a dismembered body..."

-Hang on.

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-"..in a bush."

-LAUGHTER

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People at home, don't put bags on your heads.

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-No, no.

-Let's go back to the temperature of this bush now.

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LAUGHTER

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You said you went into the dress for warmth,

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but surely the jeans and T-shirt were warmer than a dress.

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There's a lot of ventilation.

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I don't think... I think, to be fair...

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I don't think he took the jeans and T-shirt off.

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Oh. Oh, it was...double. Double.

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Yeah, he didn't slip out of the jeans and the T-shirt,

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fold them up nicely, at the time,

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and then get the dress and put it on and go, "Oh, I look wonderful."

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-LAUGHTER He wasn't doing that.

-Oh, right.

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By the end of the night, he's wearing the jeans, the T-shirt,

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-the dress...

-BOTH: And the bag.

-Oh.

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-LAUGHTER

-May I just say...?

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It's lucky this didn't happen to Melvin because

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if so, he'd have been on a bench

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wearing a dress and nothing else.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Let's go for a guess.

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Is he telling the truth? Melvin, what do you think?

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I think, looking at James, I can believe that he could

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put on a dress with a bag over his jeans and T-shirt,

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but a man that picks a bush over a bench, I can't trust.

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LAUGHTER

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So on that basis, it's a lie.

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-Oh.

-Fay.

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-I've got to absolutely say it's true.

-True?!

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I'm believing every element, really.

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-I'm going to go true.

-True.

-Yeah.

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You're saying true. Right.

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James, was it true or was it a lie?

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It's...

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-true.

-Whoa.

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, it's true.

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James did once spend the night in a bush in Basingstoke.

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-Melvin, you're next.

-OK.

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At school, I used to regularly pay my friend to clean my rubbers.

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LAUGHTER

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You used to pay your friends to clean your rubbers.

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It was just one friend.

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How dirty can a rubber get?

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Nobody cleans a rubber.

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-Oh, they get dirty, my friend.

-Do they?

-Oh, yes.

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What? Full of... What, just lead, mainly?

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Full of... Yeah, lead.

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Don't you rub a dirty rubber against a clean piece of paper

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and it sort of cleans itself?

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No, what you're describing is the action of cleaning a rubber.

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That is how you clean a rubber.

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Oh, I see, but you weren't even willing to do that.

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That's not the same as, "It cleans itself."

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That's like saying, "Why do you need to clean a car?

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"You just wipe it all over and it cleans itself."

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LAUGHTER

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-APPLAUSE

-OK.

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-Ten years.

-What...? What is your...?

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Ten years of this kind of bullying.

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LAUGHTER

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What was your friend's name?

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Um...

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-Ediz.

-What?

-What?

-Ediz.

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Ediz. It's a Turkish name.

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How old were you?

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Like... It was primary school, so probably, like, ten.

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So ten years old, and why couldn't you have just done that action

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of just rubbing it against a blank piece of paper?

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Well, he did it as, like, a service to everyone.

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-How much did you pay him?

-Like, a pound a rubber.

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-A pound?!

-A pound a rub?

-A pound?

-Yeah.

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Why couldn't you have done it yourself? I'm confused.

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Because it used to have, like, a nice smell when you had it back.

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-Are you sure it wasn't Ediz?

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

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-Where was this magical smell coming from?

-Well, that's the thing.

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-We didn't know until we got older.

-See, if I was giving a man a rubber

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and he went away, and it came back and I went...

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-"That smells differently."

-LAUGHTER

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I would say, "Why does it smell differently?"

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I wouldn't just leave it at that and go,

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"That's different, yeah, here's a pound."

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He just said he'd found out years later.

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-He was using, like, car air freshener to spray it.

-Ah.

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It was a great service.

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You were cool if you had a fresh rubber.

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LAUGHTER

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But how much would a new rubber have cost?

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Probably about 10p.

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LAUGHTER

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How many times did you pay him a pound to clean your rubber?

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Like, it probably happened, like,

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-once every two months or something like that.

-What?!

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And this went on for how long?

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-For ages. Like, for years.

-Monthly thing, "I'll treat myself."

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-And he was doing it...

-Yeah.

-He was making quite...

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I'm going to get the rubber nicely cleaned and scented...

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-Yeah.

-..for the weekend.

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LAUGHTER

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Did Ediz clean any other stationery items?

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Um, not that I can remember,

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but he used to do something else with stationery,

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but I can't remember what that was. He'd do...

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He didn't sharpen your pencils in a very interesting way, did he?

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LAUGHTER

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It was something like he would organise your pencil case

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-but I can't remember.

-Organise your...?! Sorry.

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-LAUGHTER

-I can't remember now.

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I'm picturing Ediz with a little suit and a briefcase.

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"Hello, guys, how are you doing? It's me again, it's Ediz.

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"I'm here to clean your rubbers or organise your pencils,"

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and you're in the corner going,

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"Oh, hang on, girls, I was chatting you up

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"but I want to sort out my pencil case. Just wait there.

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"Tell me some more, Ediz."

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Well, that's exactly where the economy's going, isn't it?

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Nobody makes things any more, we just provide pointless services.

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"I'm a party planner!"

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"I'm a pencil case organiser!"

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"I shout on panel shows!"

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We used to make steel!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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What's it going to be?

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-Oh.

-Look, the thing is,

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during my one, which was true,

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I started thinking it was a lie.

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LAUGHTER

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So, I don't...

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I haven't got a clue any more.

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I actually kind of think it sounds true

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but then, for that reason, I want to say it's a lie.

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LAUGHTER

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You've been a big help. Thank you.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Gabby?

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My gut's saying, "True."

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-What's your gut saying?

-Go on, let's go true.

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You're going to say true? Melvin?

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-It is...

-Was it true? GABBY:

-A lie.

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Or was it a lie?

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It is...

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-true.

-APPLAUSE

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Oh.

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Our next round is called This Is My,

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where we bring on a mystery guest

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who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

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Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim

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it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest

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and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

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So, please, welcome this week's special guest -

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Mick. APPLAUSE

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So, Gabby, what is Mick to you?

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This is Mick

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and I deliberately tripped him up

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during the wheelbarrow race

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at my son's sports day.

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OK, James, how do you know Mick?

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This is Mick, and for six months

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he was my sworn enemy

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when a practical joke got out of hand.

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LAUGHTER

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And...finally, Lee.

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This is Mick.

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He's my son and I'm only allowed to see him every second Friday.

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LAUGHTER

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Sorry, no, that's not it.

0:12:020:12:04

This is Mick.

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I once took him home from nursery instead of my own son.

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LAUGHTER

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So, there we have it.

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Is Mick Gabby's cheated child,

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James' feuding friend

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or Lee's traded toddler?

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David's team, where would you like to begin?

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Well, Gabby...

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the wheelbarrow race,

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you were also a competitor.

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What was the format of the race

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and how did the accident happen?

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Your classic sports day wheelbarrow race.

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Child is the wheelbarrow,

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I was driving my son as a wheelbarrow

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and Mick's mum, Barbara, was driving him...

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and there's always...

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I feel our family gets a lot of pressure on sports day

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because my husband was an international rugby player

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and I did sport, and people always look at us as if,

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"They're the ones to beat."

0:12:510:12:52

You know, I always feel that added dimension of competitiveness.

0:12:520:12:55

-You were a rhythm gymnastic, weren't you?

-I was a gymnast.

0:12:550:12:58

Yeah, I think they're looking more at him. Carry on.

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LAUGHTER

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So we were in the lead, my son and I,

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and, you know, in, like, your peripheral vision,

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you can feel somebody coming,

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and as we got to the turn

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they were level with us,

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and my son's arm buckled and...

0:13:140:13:17

-GASPS

-No!

0:13:170:13:18

-..which, in a wheelbarrow race, is a bit of a no-no. That's...

-Hmm.

0:13:180:13:22

So it takes you a couple of seconds to recover. So now we're behind.

0:13:220:13:25

Quite painful for your son as well.

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Perhaps that should be the main concern.

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-LAUGHTER

-Classic sports person.

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"That's a no-no! We NEED this!"

0:13:310:13:33

LAUGHTER

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So we got back level with them and I...

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I'm ashamed, obviously, about what happened next.

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So I can feel...

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You know, and these horrible thoughts coming into my mind.

0:13:450:13:47

You know, "We could take him out." You know, we could...

0:13:470:13:50

-LAUGHTER

-Wow.

0:13:500:13:51

"Come on, this is why we've been taking all the drugs!"

0:13:510:13:54

LAUGHTER

0:13:540:13:57

And basically, I stood on...

0:13:570:13:59

I stood on his hand, and so...

0:13:590:14:01

-I know.

-Blooming heck. Deliberately?

-Don't judge!

0:14:010:14:05

LAUGHTER

0:14:050:14:07

You were thinking, "We should take him out."

0:14:070:14:09

LAUGHTER

0:14:090:14:11

So he then slightly buckled, so he then...

0:14:110:14:14

-Which is a no-no.

-LAUGHTER

0:14:140:14:16

He got himself back into the race

0:14:160:14:18

and I decided that I couldn't let us win

0:14:180:14:20

because that could be construed, in some people's eyes, as cheating -

0:14:200:14:23

-standing on the opposition's hands.

-Yes.

0:14:230:14:25

And in some people's eyes, physical assault.

0:14:250:14:28

So I had to then sabotage us

0:14:280:14:31

because I couldn't let us win.

0:14:310:14:32

So I deliberately kind of

0:14:320:14:34

pushed my son into the ground.

0:14:340:14:36

So you assaulted two children?

0:14:360:14:38

LAUGHTER

0:14:380:14:41

I kind of just, you know, pretended to trip onto Reuben,

0:14:410:14:44

and then his arms buckled...

0:14:440:14:45

-Double buckle, which is a no-no-no...

-No-no-no-no.

0:14:450:14:48

-LAUGHTER

-And that meant...

0:14:480:14:50

-Reuben is your boy?

-Yes! Oh, gosh, yeah.

0:14:500:14:52

-Sorry, yes, yeah.

-You know, the one with...

-Ah.

0:14:520:14:54

You know, the one with the face like that.

0:14:540:14:56

LAUGHTER

0:14:560:14:58

All right, who would you like to speak to next?

0:14:580:15:01

OK, James. So, Mick, became your sworn enemy

0:15:010:15:04

because of a practical joke?

0:15:040:15:06

-That got out of hand!

-That got out of hand.

-Yes.

0:15:060:15:08

So what was the practical joke or prank?

0:15:080:15:11

First of all, I'll say for the record, before we carry on,

0:15:110:15:14

I hate this boy.

0:15:140:15:16

LAUGHTER

0:15:160:15:19

I've nothing but contempt for him

0:15:190:15:21

and I'm furious he's got on this show.

0:15:210:15:23

LAUGHTER

0:15:230:15:25

How do you think I feel?

0:15:250:15:26

I can only see him every second Friday.

0:15:260:15:28

LAUGHTER

0:15:280:15:33

So what was the...?

0:15:330:15:34

What was the practical joke, James?

0:15:340:15:36

He put...

0:15:360:15:38

cabbage leaves in my bed.

0:15:380:15:39

How did he get in your room?

0:15:390:15:41

I was staying at his house.

0:15:410:15:43

What, on a sleepover? How old are you?

0:15:430:15:45

LAUGHTER

0:15:450:15:47

It was a few years ago.

0:15:470:15:49

Yeah, well, he wouldn't have been born.

0:15:490:15:51

-LAUGHTER

-He was... He was nine.

0:15:510:15:54

And you were what, 31?

0:15:540:15:56

LAUGHTER

0:15:560:15:57

I was, what, 28, 29?

0:15:570:16:00

And how do you know him?

0:16:000:16:02

My...

0:16:020:16:03

I know his dad. He's...

0:16:030:16:05

-He's his son.

-LAUGHTER

0:16:050:16:10

APPLAUSE

0:16:100:16:12

So...

0:16:120:16:14

And you were staying at their house.

0:16:140:16:17

Yes.

0:16:170:16:18

Why did he put cabbage leaves...?

0:16:180:16:20

Why is...? What is...? Why is that a thing?

0:16:200:16:22

-Well, it's not a thing until he started doing it.

-Yeah.

0:16:220:16:25

There's something severely wrong with him.

0:16:250:16:27

I don't know why he started...

0:16:270:16:28

-But you say...

-..pulling this kind of stunt.

-"..started" doing it.

0:16:280:16:31

-Yeah.

-Was he...? What...? What do you mean?

0:16:310:16:33

-This is one occasion when you're staying there.

-Oh, is it?

0:16:330:16:35

-LAUGHTER

-Well, I don't know, tell me.

0:16:350:16:38

This is the first of many, David.

0:16:380:16:40

-So you... So...

-I said, "Got out of hand."

0:16:400:16:42

-I do not use those words lightly.

-LAUGHTER

0:16:420:16:45

So you regularly stay at the house of...

0:16:450:16:48

Oh, no.

0:16:480:16:50

Oh, this little man...

0:16:500:16:51

does not restrict these pranks to his own house.

0:16:510:16:54

He has no respect for anyone's privacy

0:16:540:16:57

and will cross any boundaries available to him.

0:16:570:17:00

-I hate him with all my heart.

-Yes.

0:17:000:17:02

LAUGHTER

0:17:020:17:05

So...

0:17:050:17:06

So, he initially put cabbage leaves in the bed you were sleeping in...

0:17:060:17:10

-True!

-..when you were staying at his father's house.

-Yes.

0:17:100:17:13

LAUGHTER

0:17:130:17:14

-Right. And then, SUBSEQUENTLY...

-Yes.

-..he has followed you

0:17:140:17:18

and put cabbage leaves in other places you've been sleeping.

0:17:180:17:21

No.

0:17:210:17:22

OK, what then?

0:17:220:17:24

He sent me a cabbage in the post.

0:17:240:17:25

LAUGHTER

0:17:250:17:28

APPLAUSE

0:17:280:17:33

He sent me half a cabbage,

0:17:330:17:35

cling-filmed, in a box.

0:17:350:17:37

I was out when they delivered it.

0:17:370:17:38

I had to go to the Post Office to pick it up.

0:17:380:17:40

LAUGHTER

0:17:400:17:44

There was a note inside that said,

0:17:440:17:46

"You got cabbaged again!"

0:17:460:17:48

LAUGHTER

0:17:480:17:49

Ah.

0:17:490:17:51

So... OK, so he's doing that.

0:17:510:17:53

Did you...?

0:17:530:17:55

Bearing in mind that this is a minor, did you, at any...?

0:17:550:17:58

It was a major, as far as I'm concerned.

0:17:580:18:01

LAUGHTER

0:18:010:18:03

Did you, at any point, retaliate?

0:18:030:18:05

Yeah, but it took me six months.

0:18:050:18:08

What did you do?

0:18:080:18:09

After six months of this...

0:18:090:18:12

-I...

-Well, when you say, "Six months of this,"

0:18:120:18:14

what is "this"?

0:18:140:18:15

There's the initial cabbage leaves in the bed at his house

0:18:150:18:17

and there's the posted half cabbage.

0:18:170:18:19

-Yeah.

-Anything else?

0:18:190:18:21

His grandad cabbaged me to my face.

0:18:210:18:23

-LAUGHTER

-What does that mean?

0:18:230:18:25

He gave me a present, it was all wrapped up nice,

0:18:250:18:27

I thought it was a nice present,

0:18:270:18:28

I unwrapped it, it was another half a cabbage wrapped in cling-film.

0:18:280:18:31

Members of the public started cabbaging me.

0:18:310:18:33

I made the mistake of talking about it on the radio

0:18:330:18:36

and then everyone got the idea

0:18:360:18:37

and I couldn't turn up to a gig without there being a cabbage

0:18:370:18:40

hidden somewhere in my dressing room.

0:18:400:18:42

LAUGHTER

0:18:420:18:43

Well, thank God you're playing safe and not saying it on telly, eh?

0:18:430:18:46

LAUGHTER

0:18:460:18:49

APPLAUSE

0:18:490:18:51

So, did you retaliate?

0:18:510:18:53

I absolutely did.

0:18:530:18:54

I removed all of his belongings from his bedroom

0:18:540:18:57

-and replaced them with cabbages.

-LAUGHTER

0:18:570:19:00

That's, I would say,

0:19:000:19:01

-a disproportionate response.

-LAUGHTER

0:19:010:19:03

Six months of my life, David.

0:19:030:19:05

Six months of my life of not knowing

0:19:050:19:07

where the next cabbage was coming from. It was horrible.

0:19:070:19:10

I had to go big, I'd been cabbaged so many times,

0:19:100:19:12

someone had started a Twitter account

0:19:120:19:14

and was tweeting pictures of cabbages on me every day

0:19:140:19:16

and saying stuff like, "Oi, oi, savoy." It was horrible.

0:19:160:19:19

LAUGHTER

0:19:190:19:21

And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

0:19:210:19:23

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:19:230:19:24

-No. It's a lettuce.

-I know, I know!

-It's a lettuce, you idiot!

0:19:240:19:27

I know, but come on, cut me some slack!

0:19:270:19:30

-No, no.

-You can't.

0:19:300:19:31

I would say that anyone who can enjoy that joke about a lettuce

0:19:310:19:34

would have to be a sociopath.

0:19:340:19:36

LAUGHTER

0:19:360:19:38

All right, onto Lee.

0:19:380:19:39

Lee, remind us of your story.

0:19:390:19:41

This is Mick. I once took him home from nursery instead of my own son.

0:19:410:19:45

Why did you not recognise your own son by using your eyes

0:19:450:19:48

and knowing what he looks like?

0:19:480:19:50

I...

0:19:500:19:51

I do recognise my own son

0:19:510:19:53

but we had this new pram and...

0:19:530:19:56

I put him in the pram. He was very young at the time,

0:19:560:19:59

cos, well, you have to, to go to nursery,

0:19:590:20:01

-and I put him in the pram.

-A pram, at nursery?

0:20:010:20:03

-Not a pram, a push...

-They're in a pram when they're sort of tiny.

0:20:030:20:06

A pushchair. A pushchair! You make one mistake,

0:20:060:20:08

you say lettuce instead of cabbage, they're on your back!

0:20:080:20:11

You say pram instead of pushchair.

0:20:110:20:13

I get to see him every other week, I'm stressed!

0:20:130:20:16

LAUGHTER

0:20:160:20:18

I put him in the pushchair,

0:20:180:20:20

and then I got chatting to all the other mums and dads and stuff,

0:20:200:20:23

got chatting, turned round, little did I realise

0:20:230:20:26

that one of the other parents had exactly the same pushchair

0:20:260:20:28

and because he was asleep, I just didn't bother talking to him

0:20:280:20:31

cos I thought he was asleep, pushed him and got all the way home.

0:20:310:20:34

Long walk as well, cos he goes to school in London

0:20:340:20:36

-and we live in Aberdeen.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:360:20:38

When...? How long was it before you realised?

0:20:380:20:40

-Probably...Glasgow.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:400:20:44

It was about... Oh, it was... Believe it or not...

0:20:440:20:46

-Preferably, do.

-Yeah, that's very much the question.

0:20:460:20:48

Believe it or not, it was as I went into the front door

0:20:480:20:51

and I pushed him towards my wife,

0:20:510:20:53

who was coming towards me,

0:20:530:20:55

and she said, "That is not my son."

0:20:550:20:59

But the other mother would have recognised her child.

0:20:590:21:01

-Let's go to the other mother.

-Let's go to the other mother, so...

0:21:010:21:04

What happened there?

0:21:040:21:05

Obviously I'm not there to see the other mother because I'm at...

0:21:050:21:08

No, but presumably in the police interview,

0:21:080:21:10

you've gone through those details.

0:21:100:21:11

No, I knew it would be a bit of a nerve-racking experience

0:21:110:21:14

so I thought I'd better play safe and just keep him,

0:21:140:21:16

and that's what we did, we just ended up bringing up another child.

0:21:160:21:19

So I got into the house, pushed him into the house,

0:21:190:21:21

my wife said, "That's not my son," so I went, "Oh!"

0:21:210:21:23

I realised immediately what had happened, obviously.

0:21:230:21:25

I turned round and I raced back to the school very quickly,

0:21:250:21:28

so I got in just in time for them to go, "What the...?

0:21:280:21:31

-"Aw, you..." And then...

-So you'd got back...

0:21:310:21:33

-You got back just in time.

-Got back in time.

0:21:330:21:35

Just before Mick's mother was going to start screaming,

0:21:350:21:38

"My child has disappeared, my child has disappeared."

0:21:380:21:40

Yeah, because...

0:21:400:21:41

No, because what had happened is she was getting a bit frantic

0:21:410:21:44

but someone had calmed her down by doing the obvious

0:21:440:21:46

and pointing to the child and saying,

0:21:460:21:48

"Use your logic here, there's a child."

0:21:480:21:50

Yeah, child abductors don't tend to leave a child as well.

0:21:500:21:52

LAUGHTER

0:21:520:21:54

So, David's team, is Mick Gabby's cheated child?

0:21:540:21:59

-Maybe.

-James' feuding friend?

0:21:590:22:01

-Maybe.

-Or Lee's traded toddler?

0:22:010:22:04

No.

0:22:040:22:05

LAUGHTER

0:22:050:22:07

I think that the cabbages,

0:22:070:22:09

that is a good trick

0:22:090:22:11

cos cabbages, when they get warmed up, stink.

0:22:110:22:13

I also have, you know, been to many a sports day

0:22:130:22:17

where the parents do get incredibly competitive,

0:22:170:22:20

but I would probably lean towards Gabby.

0:22:200:22:22

What about you, Melvin? Which way are you leaning?

0:22:220:22:25

I believe Gabby but James is just weird,

0:22:250:22:28

-so I believe him even more.

-LAUGHTER

0:22:280:22:30

Your paranoid view seems to be, "The whole country's in on it."

0:22:300:22:33

Now everyone's sending you cabbages.

0:22:330:22:34

Every time people laugh at me, I suspect they're my enemy, which...

0:22:340:22:38

-makes my job very difficult.

-LAUGHTER

0:22:380:22:41

APPLAUSE

0:22:410:22:45

You think Gabby, you think Gabby but James even more.

0:22:450:22:48

And David thinks it's me, so...

0:22:480:22:51

Oh, I don't know.

0:22:520:22:54

-James.

-GABBY GASPS

0:22:540:22:56

You're going for James? Mick...

0:22:560:22:59

would you please reveal your true identity?

0:22:590:23:01

I'm Mick, and...

0:23:010:23:03

I am James' worst enemy.

0:23:030:23:05

LAUGHTER

0:23:050:23:08

APPLAUSE

0:23:080:23:12

Yes, Mick is James' feuding friend and here's the proof.

0:23:170:23:24

That... LAUGHTER

0:23:240:23:26

That is what James did to Mick's bedroom.

0:23:260:23:30

LAUGHTER Thank you very much, Mick.

0:23:300:23:33

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:23:330:23:37

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies,

0:23:370:23:41

and we start with...

0:23:410:23:42

It's David.

0:23:420:23:45

I recently ended up in A&E

0:23:450:23:48

after attempting to use a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

0:23:480:23:51

LAUGHTER

0:23:510:23:53

-Lee's team.

-Right, first of all, what type of nut was it?

0:23:530:23:56

-A walnut.

-Of course.

0:23:560:23:57

A walnut.

0:23:570:23:58

Did you use the floor or the wall?

0:23:580:24:00

LAUGHTER

0:24:000:24:01

I used...a bit of kitchen surface.

0:24:010:24:04

What is your work surface made from?

0:24:040:24:06

Er, er... Well, at home...?

0:24:060:24:09

No, no, no, in your shed.

0:24:090:24:11

LAUGHTER

0:24:110:24:12

What is your kitchen work surface made from in your kitchen?

0:24:120:24:15

It's a sort of... It's... I've... It's...

0:24:150:24:17

-I don't really know.

-OK.

0:24:170:24:19

Why did you have a sledgehammer in the kitchen?

0:24:190:24:21

Well, it was...

0:24:210:24:23

-Ah.

-LAUGHTER

0:24:230:24:25

I didn't.

0:24:250:24:27

-Oh.

-This...

-Ah.

-So, it's not true.

0:24:270:24:30

-This didn't happen...

-Oh, OK.

-At all. So easy.

0:24:300:24:33

LAUGHTER

0:24:330:24:36

Wow, we broke him quickly tonight, didn't we?

0:24:360:24:38

No, this didn't happen at my house.

0:24:380:24:40

-Where did it happen?

-At my parents' house.

0:24:400:24:42

So why were you trying to describe your house

0:24:420:24:45

when you were talking about the work surface?

0:24:450:24:47

Because he kept asking me about my own work surface...

0:24:470:24:49

and I'm just trying to be as helpful as possible.

0:24:490:24:52

OK, can you describe...?

0:24:520:24:53

Can you tell us the colour of the kitchen surface

0:24:530:24:55

in your parents' house?

0:24:550:24:57

-Brown.

-Brown.

0:24:570:24:58

-Was it wood? Is it a wooden...?

-No.

0:24:580:25:00

Did it look like a tree, but flat?

0:25:000:25:02

LAUGHTER

0:25:020:25:04

I don't know what it's made of but it's...

0:25:040:25:07

-Is it Formica?

-Might be.

0:25:070:25:08

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Formica.

-Might be Formica.

-Wooden Formica.

0:25:080:25:11

-Formica.

-Your parents have got wooden Formica table tops.

0:25:110:25:15

I think so.

0:25:150:25:17

Why don't you use your television money and treat them, you tight git?

0:25:170:25:20

LAUGHTER

0:25:200:25:22

APPLAUSE

0:25:220:25:25

-So, there's a walnut in your parents' house.

-Yeah, there is.

0:25:250:25:28

You, for whatever reason, maybe hunger, want to open it.

0:25:280:25:31

-Yeah, yeah.

-There's a sledgehammer.

0:25:310:25:33

Why is the sledgehammer in your mum and dad's...?

0:25:330:25:35

Apart from the fact they knew you were coming round.

0:25:350:25:37

I... I had to go and find the sledgehammer.

0:25:370:25:39

-Where was it, in the end?

-It was in the garage.

-Right.

0:25:390:25:42

-We couldn't find any nutcrackers.

-Well, your parents...

0:25:420:25:44

You say "we" - your parents were witnessing this?

0:25:440:25:47

Yes, I wasn't on my own in my parents' house

0:25:470:25:49

smashing away at my hand like a maniac.

0:25:490:25:51

LAUGHTER

0:25:510:25:52

It seems to me that, on the evolutionary scale

0:25:520:25:55

between nutcracker and sledgehammer,

0:25:550:25:58

there are some other things you might find lying about the house.

0:25:580:26:02

-I wouldn't...

-A man's shoe.

0:26:020:26:04

Well, and three shattered iPads later, I found the sledgehammer.

0:26:040:26:07

LAUGHTER

0:26:070:26:10

Who was there by the way, in this...? Who was witnessing this?

0:26:100:26:13

There were... My parents were there, my brother, his wife, my wife.

0:26:130:26:17

-Peter Gabriel.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:170:26:20

-David's not going to get that joke.

-APPLAUSE

0:26:200:26:23

Do you want me to explain or are you all right with that, David?

0:26:230:26:26

-I can be your sledgehammer.

-Oh, sledgehammer! Oh, yes, very good.

0:26:260:26:29

Sorry, I'll rephrase that. Rob and David aren't going to get this joke.

0:26:290:26:32

LAUGHTER

0:26:320:26:33

I... I have no idea but there wasn't anyone called Peter Gabriel.

0:26:330:26:36

LAUGHTER

0:26:360:26:38

OK, now we know that this story ends with you in Accident & Emergency.

0:26:380:26:41

Yes, yes, yes.

0:26:410:26:42

How did that happen?

0:26:420:26:44

Well, I got the... I'd been...

0:26:440:26:46

I'd cracked a few nuts with this sledgehammer

0:26:460:26:49

and then maybe I got a bit cocky.

0:26:490:26:51

-Oh.

-And, I...

0:26:510:26:53

you know, and I'd left my thumb in the way.

0:26:530:26:56

Oh, no!

0:26:560:26:58

And it was...

0:26:580:27:00

It was carnage.

0:27:000:27:01

Sorry, there's a really...

0:27:010:27:03

The thumb, can we have a look?

0:27:030:27:04

-All right.

-When was this, before we look? This Christmas just gone?

0:27:050:27:09

It was this Christmas, yes.

0:27:090:27:10

So it should look pretty bad, this thumb, shouldn't it?

0:27:100:27:13

Well, actually...

0:27:130:27:15

What was the...? What happened...? Was it?

0:27:150:27:17

You'll find there's absolutely no visible scarring

0:27:170:27:20

and neither is there on that one.

0:27:200:27:22

What a credit to our National Health Service, ladies and gentlemen.

0:27:220:27:25

LAUGHTER

0:27:250:27:26

-Everyone was absolutely marvellous.

-It's weird cos he...

0:27:260:27:29

One might almost say miraculous.

0:27:290:27:31

Did they say any bones were broken in your thumb?

0:27:310:27:34

They X-rayed it,

0:27:340:27:36

and fortunately not.

0:27:360:27:37

They said, "In a few months,

0:27:370:27:39

"you won't be able to tell this has happened."

0:27:390:27:41

-LAUGHTER

-Of course. Of course.

0:27:410:27:43

-LAUGHTER

-Hey, hey. David, they were right.

0:27:430:27:47

-They were spot-on.

-All right, what are you thinking, Lee?

0:27:470:27:50

Has this been the truth or has he made it up?

0:27:500:27:53

There's... There's bits of it that...

0:27:530:27:55

Well, the bits that are true are that he's got thumbs, Gabby.

0:27:550:27:58

LAUGHTER

0:27:580:27:59

I believed everything until we looked at his thumbs.

0:27:590:28:02

-And there's nothing there.

-And then I was like,

0:28:020:28:04

"That man not only has not hit himself in the thumb

0:28:040:28:07

"with a sledgehammer,

0:28:070:28:09

"but I don't think he's picked up anything in weeks."

0:28:090:28:11

LAUGHTER

0:28:110:28:14

APPLAUSE

0:28:140:28:17

-You think lie, don't you?

-I would say that it's a lie.

0:28:190:28:22

You're saying it's a lie.

0:28:220:28:23

David, truth or lie?

0:28:230:28:25

It is...

0:28:250:28:26

-a lie.

-APPLAUSE

0:28:260:28:30

Yes, it's a lie.

0:28:300:28:33

Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show

0:28:330:28:35

and I can reveal that it's a draw.

0:28:350:28:37

APPLAUSE

0:28:370:28:39

Thank you for watching. See you next time. Goodnight.

0:28:390:28:42

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