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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You?
The show with barefaced lies
and well-masked truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
an actress who once worked as a children's clown.
She went from huge feet to Cold Feet.
It's Fay Ripley.
And a DJ whose radio show
is aimed at young, hip and with-it people.
I would listen but it clashes with The Archers.
It's Melvin Odoom.
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
a presenter who once competed for Wales in gymnastics.
She literally bent over backwards for her country. It's Gabby Logan.
And a comedian whose first job was selling ice creams.
I bet he made hundreds and thousands.
It's James Acaster. APPLAUSE
And we begin, as always, with Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists each read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
they've no idea what they'll be faced with
and it's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
James, you're first up.
I once spent the night in a bush in Basingstoke.
-That's a true.
Why were you spending the night in a bush in Basingstoke?
I missed my train.
Where do you live?
Well, at the time,
I lived in Kettering, in Northamptonshire,
-rose of the shires.
-Mm-hmm. Why didn't you go to a luxury hotel?
Well, David, at the time,
I had no money...in my wallet at all, and my phone was dead.
I had no way of contacting anyone.
-That certainly adds up.
-Why a bush?
Why not a bench or, like,
somewhere warmer than a bush?
-Is a bench warmer than a bush?
I would say a bush is warmer than a bench.
I would have thought a bench is definitely colder than a bush.
-It's more exposed.
-There's an old saying,
"You're warmer in a bush than on a bench."
So, where was the bush?
Paint the picture of the local area.
It was right in front of the train station
and there was, like, a little, like, pick-up point for taxis and stuff
and then it went down a little bit to the road,
and then right in front of the road, just a load of bushes.
So you didn't look for a long time for a particularly comfy spot.
I'll level with you, David.
The amount of time it took me to decide to sleep in the bush
was embarrassingly short.
Now, that does surprise me.
It was a quick decision.
You missed your train, and you go, "Right, that's it,"
and you immediately, like... 14 seconds later, you're snoring.
Well, I actually didn't get to sleep. It was scary.
I was freezing, actually,
even though the bush...
It was a nice, roomy bush.
Can you remember the shape of the leaves?
It was, like, small, little, Basingstoke leaves.
OK. You have to explain what that word means.
It means they're sort of...
There's a sort of white bit on the outside, I think.
I wasn't paying attention to the leaves.
I had bigger problems at the time.
I wasn't sitting in the bush going,
"One day, I may have to justify
"this entire experience on Would I Lie To You?
"I'd better memorise the leaves and whether they're...
"gentrified," or whatever you said.
-So, James, you've settled down in the bush...
..and you're lying there, but it's cold.
-Oh, I'm sitting there.
-Sitting in the bush.
Sitting there, crossed-legged and cold. I had a T-shirt on.
How were you going to get to sleep sitting?
I was scared!
-So I... I hadn't really...
-What were you scared of?
It was Friday night in Basingstoke, there were hoodlums around.
-And all you had on was a T-shirt.
-And jeans, of course.
I still feel like the bench is warmer.
So, did anybody hear you in the bush, and come and investigate?
At one point they did.
At one point, some hoodlums stopped outside the bush.
They said, "You know what we haven't done in a while?
"We haven't beaten someone up in a while."
That's how they speak, David.
Bullies speak like that to each other
and I was in the bush
and at the time I was wearing a red dress.
LAUGHTER What did you say? What?
I was wearing a dress by now.
What? You said you were in a T-shirt.
Originally I was in a T-shirt and then I had to put a dress on.
Why did you put a dress on?
-It was cold.
Where did you get a dress from?
-I had it in a bag.
I was making a short film and I had to buy the wardrobe for the cast.
You're in the bush,
the hoodlums had moved on, they didn't beat you up.
I tricked them, I put the bag over my head.
You seriously put the bag over your head?
Yeah, put yourself in my shoes.
They're saying they want to beat someone up.
If they look down and see me wearing a dress,
-it'll be like Christmas.
So I put the bag over my head,
and now if they look down, they'll think...
"Someone's left a bag...
-"and a dismembered body..."
-"..in a bush."
People at home, don't put bags on your heads.
-Let's go back to the temperature of this bush now.
You said you went into the dress for warmth,
but surely the jeans and T-shirt were warmer than a dress.
There's a lot of ventilation.
I don't think... I think, to be fair...
I don't think he took the jeans and T-shirt off.
Oh. Oh, it was...double. Double.
Yeah, he didn't slip out of the jeans and the T-shirt,
fold them up nicely, at the time,
and then get the dress and put it on and go, "Oh, I look wonderful."
-LAUGHTER He wasn't doing that.
By the end of the night, he's wearing the jeans, the T-shirt,
-BOTH: And the bag.
-May I just say...?
It's lucky this didn't happen to Melvin because
if so, he'd have been on a bench
wearing a dress and nothing else.
Let's go for a guess.
Is he telling the truth? Melvin, what do you think?
I think, looking at James, I can believe that he could
put on a dress with a bag over his jeans and T-shirt,
but a man that picks a bush over a bench, I can't trust.
So on that basis, it's a lie.
-I've got to absolutely say it's true.
I'm believing every element, really.
-I'm going to go true.
You're saying true. Right.
James, was it true or was it a lie?
Yes, it's true.
James did once spend the night in a bush in Basingstoke.
-Melvin, you're next.
At school, I used to regularly pay my friend to clean my rubbers.
You used to pay your friends to clean your rubbers.
It was just one friend.
How dirty can a rubber get?
Nobody cleans a rubber.
-Oh, they get dirty, my friend.
What? Full of... What, just lead, mainly?
Full of... Yeah, lead.
Don't you rub a dirty rubber against a clean piece of paper
and it sort of cleans itself?
No, what you're describing is the action of cleaning a rubber.
That is how you clean a rubber.
Oh, I see, but you weren't even willing to do that.
That's not the same as, "It cleans itself."
That's like saying, "Why do you need to clean a car?
"You just wipe it all over and it cleans itself."
-What...? What is your...?
Ten years of this kind of bullying.
What was your friend's name?
Ediz. It's a Turkish name.
How old were you?
Like... It was primary school, so probably, like, ten.
So ten years old, and why couldn't you have just done that action
of just rubbing it against a blank piece of paper?
Well, he did it as, like, a service to everyone.
-How much did you pay him?
-Like, a pound a rubber.
-A pound a rub?
Why couldn't you have done it yourself? I'm confused.
Because it used to have, like, a nice smell when you had it back.
-Are you sure it wasn't Ediz?
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Where was this magical smell coming from?
-Well, that's the thing.
-We didn't know until we got older.
-See, if I was giving a man a rubber
and he went away, and it came back and I went...
-"That smells differently."
I would say, "Why does it smell differently?"
I wouldn't just leave it at that and go,
"That's different, yeah, here's a pound."
He just said he'd found out years later.
-He was using, like, car air freshener to spray it.
It was a great service.
You were cool if you had a fresh rubber.
But how much would a new rubber have cost?
Probably about 10p.
How many times did you pay him a pound to clean your rubber?
Like, it probably happened, like,
-once every two months or something like that.
And this went on for how long?
-For ages. Like, for years.
-Monthly thing, "I'll treat myself."
-And he was doing it...
-He was making quite...
I'm going to get the rubber nicely cleaned and scented...
-..for the weekend.
Did Ediz clean any other stationery items?
Um, not that I can remember,
but he used to do something else with stationery,
but I can't remember what that was. He'd do...
He didn't sharpen your pencils in a very interesting way, did he?
It was something like he would organise your pencil case
-but I can't remember.
-Organise your...?! Sorry.
-I can't remember now.
I'm picturing Ediz with a little suit and a briefcase.
"Hello, guys, how are you doing? It's me again, it's Ediz.
"I'm here to clean your rubbers or organise your pencils,"
and you're in the corner going,
"Oh, hang on, girls, I was chatting you up
"but I want to sort out my pencil case. Just wait there.
"Tell me some more, Ediz."
Well, that's exactly where the economy's going, isn't it?
Nobody makes things any more, we just provide pointless services.
"I'm a party planner!"
"I'm a pencil case organiser!"
"I shout on panel shows!"
We used to make steel!
What's it going to be?
-Look, the thing is,
during my one, which was true,
I started thinking it was a lie.
So, I don't...
I haven't got a clue any more.
I actually kind of think it sounds true
but then, for that reason, I want to say it's a lie.
You've been a big help. Thank you.
My gut's saying, "True."
-What's your gut saying?
-Go on, let's go true.
You're going to say true? Melvin?
-Was it true? GABBY:
Or was it a lie?
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim
it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest
and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please, welcome this week's special guest -
So, Gabby, what is Mick to you?
This is Mick
and I deliberately tripped him up
during the wheelbarrow race
at my son's sports day.
OK, James, how do you know Mick?
This is Mick, and for six months
he was my sworn enemy
when a practical joke got out of hand.
This is Mick.
He's my son and I'm only allowed to see him every second Friday.
Sorry, no, that's not it.
This is Mick.
I once took him home from nursery instead of my own son.
So, there we have it.
Is Mick Gabby's cheated child,
James' feuding friend
or Lee's traded toddler?
David's team, where would you like to begin?
the wheelbarrow race,
you were also a competitor.
What was the format of the race
and how did the accident happen?
Your classic sports day wheelbarrow race.
Child is the wheelbarrow,
I was driving my son as a wheelbarrow
and Mick's mum, Barbara, was driving him...
and there's always...
I feel our family gets a lot of pressure on sports day
because my husband was an international rugby player
and I did sport, and people always look at us as if,
"They're the ones to beat."
You know, I always feel that added dimension of competitiveness.
-You were a rhythm gymnastic, weren't you?
-I was a gymnast.
Yeah, I think they're looking more at him. Carry on.
So we were in the lead, my son and I,
and, you know, in, like, your peripheral vision,
you can feel somebody coming,
and as we got to the turn
they were level with us,
and my son's arm buckled and...
-..which, in a wheelbarrow race, is a bit of a no-no. That's...
So it takes you a couple of seconds to recover. So now we're behind.
Quite painful for your son as well.
Perhaps that should be the main concern.
-Classic sports person.
"That's a no-no! We NEED this!"
So we got back level with them and I...
I'm ashamed, obviously, about what happened next.
So I can feel...
You know, and these horrible thoughts coming into my mind.
You know, "We could take him out." You know, we could...
"Come on, this is why we've been taking all the drugs!"
And basically, I stood on...
I stood on his hand, and so...
-Blooming heck. Deliberately?
You were thinking, "We should take him out."
So he then slightly buckled, so he then...
-Which is a no-no.
He got himself back into the race
and I decided that I couldn't let us win
because that could be construed, in some people's eyes, as cheating -
-standing on the opposition's hands.
And in some people's eyes, physical assault.
So I had to then sabotage us
because I couldn't let us win.
So I deliberately kind of
pushed my son into the ground.
So you assaulted two children?
I kind of just, you know, pretended to trip onto Reuben,
and then his arms buckled...
-Double buckle, which is a no-no-no...
-And that meant...
-Reuben is your boy?
-Yes! Oh, gosh, yeah.
-Sorry, yes, yeah.
-You know, the one with...
You know, the one with the face like that.
All right, who would you like to speak to next?
OK, James. So, Mick, became your sworn enemy
because of a practical joke?
-That got out of hand!
-That got out of hand.
So what was the practical joke or prank?
First of all, I'll say for the record, before we carry on,
I hate this boy.
I've nothing but contempt for him
and I'm furious he's got on this show.
How do you think I feel?
I can only see him every second Friday.
So what was the...?
What was the practical joke, James?
cabbage leaves in my bed.
How did he get in your room?
I was staying at his house.
What, on a sleepover? How old are you?
It was a few years ago.
Yeah, well, he wouldn't have been born.
-He was... He was nine.
And you were what, 31?
I was, what, 28, 29?
And how do you know him?
I know his dad. He's...
-He's his son.
And you were staying at their house.
Why did he put cabbage leaves...?
Why is...? What is...? Why is that a thing?
-Well, it's not a thing until he started doing it.
There's something severely wrong with him.
I don't know why he started...
-But you say...
-..pulling this kind of stunt.
-"..started" doing it.
-Was he...? What...? What do you mean?
-This is one occasion when you're staying there.
-Oh, is it?
-Well, I don't know, tell me.
This is the first of many, David.
-So you... So...
-I said, "Got out of hand."
-I do not use those words lightly.
So you regularly stay at the house of...
Oh, this little man...
does not restrict these pranks to his own house.
He has no respect for anyone's privacy
and will cross any boundaries available to him.
-I hate him with all my heart.
So, he initially put cabbage leaves in the bed you were sleeping in...
-..when you were staying at his father's house.
-Right. And then, SUBSEQUENTLY...
-..he has followed you
and put cabbage leaves in other places you've been sleeping.
OK, what then?
He sent me a cabbage in the post.
He sent me half a cabbage,
cling-filmed, in a box.
I was out when they delivered it.
I had to go to the Post Office to pick it up.
There was a note inside that said,
"You got cabbaged again!"
So... OK, so he's doing that.
Bearing in mind that this is a minor, did you, at any...?
It was a major, as far as I'm concerned.
Did you, at any point, retaliate?
Yeah, but it took me six months.
What did you do?
After six months of this...
-Well, when you say, "Six months of this,"
what is "this"?
There's the initial cabbage leaves in the bed at his house
and there's the posted half cabbage.
His grandad cabbaged me to my face.
-What does that mean?
He gave me a present, it was all wrapped up nice,
I thought it was a nice present,
I unwrapped it, it was another half a cabbage wrapped in cling-film.
Members of the public started cabbaging me.
I made the mistake of talking about it on the radio
and then everyone got the idea
and I couldn't turn up to a gig without there being a cabbage
hidden somewhere in my dressing room.
Well, thank God you're playing safe and not saying it on telly, eh?
So, did you retaliate?
I absolutely did.
I removed all of his belongings from his bedroom
-and replaced them with cabbages.
That's, I would say,
-a disproportionate response.
Six months of my life, David.
Six months of my life of not knowing
where the next cabbage was coming from. It was horrible.
I had to go big, I'd been cabbaged so many times,
someone had started a Twitter account
and was tweeting pictures of cabbages on me every day
and saying stuff like, "Oi, oi, savoy." It was horrible.
And that was just the tip of the iceberg.
-No. It's a lettuce.
-I know, I know!
-It's a lettuce, you idiot!
I know, but come on, cut me some slack!
I would say that anyone who can enjoy that joke about a lettuce
would have to be a sociopath.
All right, onto Lee.
Lee, remind us of your story.
This is Mick. I once took him home from nursery instead of my own son.
Why did you not recognise your own son by using your eyes
and knowing what he looks like?
I do recognise my own son
but we had this new pram and...
I put him in the pram. He was very young at the time,
cos, well, you have to, to go to nursery,
-and I put him in the pram.
-A pram, at nursery?
-Not a pram, a push...
-They're in a pram when they're sort of tiny.
A pushchair. A pushchair! You make one mistake,
you say lettuce instead of cabbage, they're on your back!
You say pram instead of pushchair.
I get to see him every other week, I'm stressed!
I put him in the pushchair,
and then I got chatting to all the other mums and dads and stuff,
got chatting, turned round, little did I realise
that one of the other parents had exactly the same pushchair
and because he was asleep, I just didn't bother talking to him
cos I thought he was asleep, pushed him and got all the way home.
Long walk as well, cos he goes to school in London
-and we live in Aberdeen.
When...? How long was it before you realised?
It was about... Oh, it was... Believe it or not...
-Yeah, that's very much the question.
Believe it or not, it was as I went into the front door
and I pushed him towards my wife,
who was coming towards me,
and she said, "That is not my son."
But the other mother would have recognised her child.
-Let's go to the other mother.
-Let's go to the other mother, so...
What happened there?
Obviously I'm not there to see the other mother because I'm at...
No, but presumably in the police interview,
you've gone through those details.
No, I knew it would be a bit of a nerve-racking experience
so I thought I'd better play safe and just keep him,
and that's what we did, we just ended up bringing up another child.
So I got into the house, pushed him into the house,
my wife said, "That's not my son," so I went, "Oh!"
I realised immediately what had happened, obviously.
I turned round and I raced back to the school very quickly,
so I got in just in time for them to go, "What the...?
-"Aw, you..." And then...
-So you'd got back...
-You got back just in time.
-Got back in time.
Just before Mick's mother was going to start screaming,
"My child has disappeared, my child has disappeared."
No, because what had happened is she was getting a bit frantic
but someone had calmed her down by doing the obvious
and pointing to the child and saying,
"Use your logic here, there's a child."
Yeah, child abductors don't tend to leave a child as well.
So, David's team, is Mick Gabby's cheated child?
-James' feuding friend?
-Or Lee's traded toddler?
I think that the cabbages,
that is a good trick
cos cabbages, when they get warmed up, stink.
I also have, you know, been to many a sports day
where the parents do get incredibly competitive,
but I would probably lean towards Gabby.
What about you, Melvin? Which way are you leaning?
I believe Gabby but James is just weird,
-so I believe him even more.
Your paranoid view seems to be, "The whole country's in on it."
Now everyone's sending you cabbages.
Every time people laugh at me, I suspect they're my enemy, which...
-makes my job very difficult.
You think Gabby, you think Gabby but James even more.
And David thinks it's me, so...
Oh, I don't know.
You're going for James? Mick...
would you please reveal your true identity?
I'm Mick, and...
I am James' worst enemy.
Yes, Mick is James' feuding friend and here's the proof.
That is what James did to Mick's bedroom.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much, Mick.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies,
and we start with...
I recently ended up in A&E
after attempting to use a sledgehammer to crack a nut.
-Right, first of all, what type of nut was it?
Did you use the floor or the wall?
I used...a bit of kitchen surface.
What is your work surface made from?
Er, er... Well, at home...?
No, no, no, in your shed.
What is your kitchen work surface made from in your kitchen?
It's a sort of... It's... I've... It's...
-I don't really know.
Why did you have a sledgehammer in the kitchen?
Well, it was...
-So, it's not true.
-This didn't happen...
-At all. So easy.
Wow, we broke him quickly tonight, didn't we?
No, this didn't happen at my house.
-Where did it happen?
-At my parents' house.
So why were you trying to describe your house
when you were talking about the work surface?
Because he kept asking me about my own work surface...
and I'm just trying to be as helpful as possible.
OK, can you describe...?
Can you tell us the colour of the kitchen surface
in your parents' house?
-Was it wood? Is it a wooden...?
Did it look like a tree, but flat?
I don't know what it's made of but it's...
-Is it Formica?
-Might be Formica.
-Your parents have got wooden Formica table tops.
I think so.
Why don't you use your television money and treat them, you tight git?
-So, there's a walnut in your parents' house.
-Yeah, there is.
You, for whatever reason, maybe hunger, want to open it.
-There's a sledgehammer.
Why is the sledgehammer in your mum and dad's...?
Apart from the fact they knew you were coming round.
I... I had to go and find the sledgehammer.
-Where was it, in the end?
-It was in the garage.
-We couldn't find any nutcrackers.
-Well, your parents...
You say "we" - your parents were witnessing this?
Yes, I wasn't on my own in my parents' house
smashing away at my hand like a maniac.
It seems to me that, on the evolutionary scale
between nutcracker and sledgehammer,
there are some other things you might find lying about the house.
-A man's shoe.
Well, and three shattered iPads later, I found the sledgehammer.
Who was there by the way, in this...? Who was witnessing this?
There were... My parents were there, my brother, his wife, my wife.
-David's not going to get that joke.
Do you want me to explain or are you all right with that, David?
-I can be your sledgehammer.
-Oh, sledgehammer! Oh, yes, very good.
Sorry, I'll rephrase that. Rob and David aren't going to get this joke.
I... I have no idea but there wasn't anyone called Peter Gabriel.
OK, now we know that this story ends with you in Accident & Emergency.
Yes, yes, yes.
How did that happen?
Well, I got the... I'd been...
I'd cracked a few nuts with this sledgehammer
and then maybe I got a bit cocky.
you know, and I'd left my thumb in the way.
And it was...
It was carnage.
Sorry, there's a really...
The thumb, can we have a look?
-When was this, before we look? This Christmas just gone?
It was this Christmas, yes.
So it should look pretty bad, this thumb, shouldn't it?
What was the...? What happened...? Was it?
You'll find there's absolutely no visible scarring
and neither is there on that one.
What a credit to our National Health Service, ladies and gentlemen.
-Everyone was absolutely marvellous.
-It's weird cos he...
One might almost say miraculous.
Did they say any bones were broken in your thumb?
They X-rayed it,
and fortunately not.
They said, "In a few months,
"you won't be able to tell this has happened."
-Of course. Of course.
-Hey, hey. David, they were right.
-They were spot-on.
-All right, what are you thinking, Lee?
Has this been the truth or has he made it up?
There's... There's bits of it that...
Well, the bits that are true are that he's got thumbs, Gabby.
I believed everything until we looked at his thumbs.
-And there's nothing there.
-And then I was like,
"That man not only has not hit himself in the thumb
"with a sledgehammer,
"but I don't think he's picked up anything in weeks."
-You think lie, don't you?
-I would say that it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
David, truth or lie?
Yes, it's a lie.
Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show
and I can reveal that it's a draw.
Thank you for watching. See you next time. Goodnight.