Episode 4 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to 'Would I Lie To You?',

the show with naked truths and well-dressed lies.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, from Loose Women, a singer

who came third on The X Factor and went on to make an absolute fortune

for Simon Cowell, it's Stacey Solomon.

APPLAUSE

And here to grab tonight's show firmly by the consonant, vowel,

consonant, consonant, from Countdown, it's Susie Dent.

APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a man who cried when he won Strictly.

I did, too - I had a tenner on Ed Balls. It's Ore Oduba!

APPLAUSE

And a comedian who in 1993 starred in The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer,

These days, that smell, of course,

is a mixture of Werther's Originals and gin - it's Bob Mortimer.

APPLAUSE

And we begin as always with Round One, Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement from the card

in front of them. Now, to make things harder, they've never seen

the card before - they've no idea what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Susie, you're first up.

OK.

My dad once broke my leg

during a particularly vigorous bout of gargalesis.

Lee, I can guess your first question.

So, what does the word "dad" mean?

-So, well, go on, what is gargalesis?

-Gargalesis.

Gargalesis is very heavy tickling.

-Ah.

-Oh.

-Did you call it roughhousing?

We used to call it roughhousing, as well as gargalesis, obviously.

-You called it roughhousing?

-Yeah.

That's like where I used to live.

Talk us through the incident, then. How did it happen?

Well, I don't like tickling at all. The heavy kind.

Well, you wouldn't now, would you?

Or the light kind, which is called knismesis.

-It's called what?

-Knismesis.

Did you just say the same word backwards?

It did that weird thing - "knismesis".

Anyway, gargalesis is the really heavy, heavy kind, and...

Are you...? Sorry, did your family make these words up for fun,

or are these actual words in the dictionary?

-These are actual words, yeah.

-Oh, OK.

-In the dictionary.

-So, there he was...

-So there he was.

-Your dad was tickling you - where?

On the landing.

APPLAUSE

How old were you, Susie?

-I was seven.

-Seven years of age.

Seven, and how old was your dad at this time?

My dad would have been... Oh, I don't know.

Oh, I forgot, you do the words, not the maths, don't you?

Yeah, good point.

Do you want to phone Rachel and get back to me?

And so I, just because I absolutely hate tickling,

was desperate to get away, and went to move off,

and in doing so, kind of left my leg behind.

Which leg was it, Susie?

It was my left leg, and it's still ever so slightly crooked.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-You were tapping your right leg before, I'm sure.

-Yes, that's what I remember.

-Oh, was I? No, it was my left leg.

So what do you think, Lee? Is that the truth?

This is what might have happened - they might have given her a card

with a word on, knowing she's a wordsmith,

and then she's gone, "Right, I'd better give a meaning to this word,

-"quickly - I'll say tickling."

-Well, I'll tell you what -

-because Susie was coming on the show we have got a dictionary.

-Ah!

-Ah!

-So...

-And is this cheating? Are we allowed to do this?

I'm allowed to do whatever I want.

Susie, would you spell it for me? It's the wrong way up.

LAUGHTER Would you spell it for me, please?

Good job you put those glasses on.

AS RONNIE CORBETT: Ah-ha-ha, I'll never forget the day. There we are.

APPLAUSE

How do you spell it?

G-A...

G... Right, give me a minute.

-..R-G...

-G-A-R-G.

-..A-L...

-G-A-R-A-L?

-G-A-R-G-A-L...

-I've got G... What? Would you...?

-Let me say, "I've got G-A-R," and then...

-OK. Right.

Oh, my God, it's like trying to get my dad to write an e-mail.

APPLAUSE

No, there it... It's not... It's seriously not in here.

G-A-R - it goes from garfish to garganey, which is a small duck.

-Oh, yeah.

-OK, so we've got a problem here, haven't we?

-Mm.

Because we've found out that the word doesn't exist.

-You said G-A-R-G-A-L.

-It's a small dictionary.

It's not a small dictionary, it's huge!

-So, what's it going to be?

-I am totally confused on this one.

-I'm lie now, I think.

-You're a lie now?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-Well, based on the wrong leg, the strange word,

two strange words - not for me.

-So we say lie.

-You're saying lie.

-Well, for me, Lee, yeah.

-It's a lie?

-For me, lie.

-We're going lie.

-It's a lie. Susie, truth or lie?

It is in fact...

-..true.

-Ah!

So there we are, it's true, Susie did once break her leg

after her dad tickled her.

-Bob, you're up next.

-Ooh!

For the past 15 years,

I have performed my own dentistry.

LAUGHTER

David's team.

-So...

-Give us a big grin.

It could be true.

No, you're implying I'm a bad dentist.

No, because even very, very, very good dentists sometimes

get someone else to do their teeth.

Ah, right.

And by "sometimes", I of course mean "always".

How do you do that? Like, do you...?

-What do you do?

-Yeah.

Well, no, the, the key to it is I... I don't... I don't do extractions.

I haven't had to... I haven't had a...

-Fillings?

-I do fillings.

-Caps?

I do fillings, crown replacements. I repair bridges, I...

Specifically, I don't do - so don't ask, Stacey - I don't do implants.

-Ah.

-And I don't do root canal.

-Do you drill?

-I do have a drill I use, yes.

You have to, to do a filling, you've got to drill it out first

-haven't you?

-Exactly, yeah, yeah.

-Do you use local anaesthetic?

-No, no need.

-STACEY GASPS

-No need?

-No need.

Why, because it's not true?

The situation in my mouth is I have one very long piece of teeth.

That white bit there, that's all one piece, yeah?

-What?

-It's one, one...

-One tooth?

-Well, that... One piece.

-But...

-Made to look like many teeth.

Oh, I see, so it... That's false teeth.

-Yes.

-OK.

Either end of this, I have two what you call crowns, yeah?

Right at the end. At the bottom, I have my own teeth here,

as my dentist says, my bottom ones are poppadum colour, yeah?

And my top ones are pilau rice.

-So who said that?

-My dentist.

-So this was some time ago?

-No, no, no, I pre...

-David...

-15 years.

-I do... I perform my own dentistry...

-Yes.

-There's no exclusivity there.

-You still have a dentist.

-Yes.

But you just don't... You don't let him do all the stuff.

-Yes.

-Why is your mouth in such a state?

Because I used to... I used to have 17 sugars in a cup of coffee or tea.

VARIOUS GASPS

-17?!

-17, yeah.

-17 in a mug?

-Yes.

If I had 18, it's too sweet for me, so...

LAUGHTER

So the crowns would come off, I'd go to the dentist, yeah?

He'd charge me 300, 400 quid to put them back in, and it's outrageous

and I heard this magic word, I heard him say to his dental nurse,

Fuji 9.

OK, Fuji 9, and I became aware that this Fuji 9 -

it's actually a luting cement, which means you can use it...

Are you sure he wasn't halfway through a Japanese football result?

You can actually use it... Mixed 1:1, the liquid

and the powder, it's a cement, yeah? Mixed two part liquid...

-Yeah?

-..then it becomes more malleable, for fillings.

I found a way via my TV work to get hold of some Fuji 9.

Once you have Fuji 9...

-Why couldn't you use...?

-..you are a dentist. No, you are!

So what equipment do you have, then?

All I have is my Fuji 9 with its little orange spoon,

with a bigger end and a littler end.

For the different amounts depending on whether you want

the 50:50 or the 2:1.

That's Fuji 9! It's all done for you. It's done for you.

-APPLAUSE

-It's magic. It's magic. It's magic.

-It's like, your...

-The cement is softer than your teeth, yeah?

So I have a leather-maker's drill, yeah? For...

LAUGHTER

-A leather-maker's drill?

-Yes, a leather-maker's drill,

because that has sanding fitments to grind it down.

You've got to check your bite after you fit. If you've fixed

a crown, if you get it a bit wonky, your bite won't be right.

So you have to file the Fuji down to,

-"Oh, that bite's nice, now. That's nice."

-OK, but you...

That's true. The other thing you've got to check after doing your own

dentistry is your mental health.

Do you not need one of those special lights?

Kitchen island. I've got a kitchen island.

-It's nice to have a kitchen island, isn't it?

-Yeah.

And it has a big... It's the only place with a big light over it.

So my son has a PlayStation seat that's very low back,

-like that, so I put...

-PlayStation seat?

-Yeah, it's a gamer's seat.

-Yeah.

-And I put that on the kitchen...

-Island.

-..island.

-ON the kitchen island?

-You put it ON the island?

-Yeah.

So you're up high on the island.

Yes, because, well, then that then puts the lamp about there.

-So you're in a PlayStation gamer's seat...

-Yes.

..balancing on... What's the surface of the kitchen island?

Do you know? I think it's Corian. It's very nice.

Corian was originally what was used for autopsy surfaces,

-again, so...

-Are you doing your own autopsies at home as well?

"Bob, the dog's dead!" "Bring it in, bring it in."

So if I was to say this,

the hardest thing is somewhere to hold the mirror.

I think the hardest thing is to sell the story, Bob.

I have the most curved Indian instrument, called the sumashi,

or something, and if I put it next to me

on my gaming thing, the curve of it, it's like a flute thing.

The curve of it goes there, and I can put my mirror there

like that, got the light there, game thing, and...

LAUGHTER

Sorry, you... You hang the mirror

on the end of a curvaceous Indian musical instrument?

-Yes.

-Well, this is very specific.

So, what's it going to be?

-I mean, there's a lot of detail.

-Yeah.

If he was trying to make this story plausible, why would he say,

"The way I set up the mirror is that

"I tie it to the end of an Indian musical instrument"?

Sorry, do you remember Bob being on this show before?

Yes, and it's always true!

It was true about the masks in Castle Douglas, it was true

about him being able to tear an apple apart with his bare hands.

It was true about the game in the gardens!

Well, look, whether or not it's true, and we don't know yet,

don't try it at home, I should say that.

-Do you ever do extractions, Bob?

-I've never done an extraction.

Cos I genuinely had an extraction yesterday, look.

-Can you see that there?

-Ooh, they've not used Fuji!

APPLAUSE

All right, so, what's it going to be?

-I think it's true.

-You think it's what?!

I think it's true!

So, Bob, is it the truth, or is it a lie?

It is...

..true!

GASPS, APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, John.

APPLAUSE

So, Susie, what is John to you?

This is John. He came to my rescue when I once got stuck in a tree.

Stacey, perhaps you'd like to explain how you know John.

This is John, and he once booked me

to sing Happy Birthday to his tortoise.

And finally, David, what is your relationship with John?

This is John. He's the locksmith who came to rescue my locksmith

after that locksmith got locked out of his van.

Lee, where do you want to start?

-Susie, what were you doing up the tree?

-Well, I was...

I presume escaping your dad's tickles.

I was rowing.

Rowing in a tree?

No, in a boat on my own for one of the very first times,

cos I'd always been out with John, who was my rowing coach,

and when you're rowing, of course, you have to steer backwards

and I steered straight into a tree, and it was a tree that was

overhanging the river, and I got my rowing jersey...

We'll call it a life jacket.

No, well I didn't have a life jacket, it was just a rowing jersey.

-A rowing jersey?

-Yeah.

Did you have any sort of life saver on?

-No.

-Oh.

-Oh, dear, dear, dear.

No, but I can swim.

Well, I'll tell you what, if he really is your coach then,

once this is over I'll be having a pretty stern word with him.

What, so a little bit of branch snagged your top?

Yeah, but then it just dragged me into this labyrinth of branches.

-Labyrinth?

-Oh, so now you're lost in the branches?

So what happened?

John saw me, and then John is a very tough coach.

-Quite quiet, isn't he?

-It's tough love, and...

He's quite quiet, yes, but this is...

LAUGHTER

He was shouting instructions as to how to get myself out,

-but I was in such a dither...

-Really?

..and so he walked a little bit down the bank towards me,

continued to shout and, somehow I...

..I think I took my jersey off, actually, and then...

It's not a very memorable story, that, is it?

I came back with one oar, with one oar.

Which one? I suppose either oar.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

That's one for the Countdown crowd!

Susie, how fast were you going down this river? Because...

Really not very fast at all. But I just didn't steer properly,

and I still have a little scar under my eye where I...

-So you cut yourself there under the eye?

-Yeah.

Wow, did you have to go and get any surgery?

Did you go round to Bob's for his Bob Mortimer's Eye Surgery?

-No, I...

-No, that would be Fuji 6.

No, it's for grafting. Yeah.

OK, Lee, who would you like to question next?

-OK, Stacey.

-Yes.

Remind us again, sorry.

John booked me to sing Happy Birthday for his tortoise.

Right. And was it the tortoise's birthday?

Yes. Why would I be singing Happy Birthday for the tortoise

if it wasn't his birthday?

My dad randomly met John, and my dad, being the crazy man that he is,

he makes immediate friendships with people, and John had mentioned

that his tortoise, Derek, was turning 60, and that he was

-a big fan.

-60?!

-How old? 60?

-I know, I thought tortoises lived to, like, 100,

so I didn't think it was a big deal for it to be 60.

But he said that the tortoise was a big fan of mine,

and that he really wanted me to sing it, and my dad was like,

"You've got to start giving back to the community

"and doing nice things," so...

Were you booked professionally? Were you paid?

-I was paid.

-You weren't?

-I was paid!

That's your dad's version of giving back to the community!

Is this before X Factor or after?

It was only about a year ago.

What was the party like?

What was it? You arrived at the house - what happened?

I arrived there about 3:30, and Derek was pottering around

in the garden, happy as can be and, and, yeah, there must have been

about ten other people. He's not a popular tortoise.

Who were these people?

They were John's friends.

-John's got friends?

-Yeah!

Whoa!

That was the worst look I've ever been given on this show.

And did you sing...?

Did you sing unaccompanied, or was there some musical backing?

There was a conversation about doing it, like, Marilyn Monroe style,

but I didn't feel comfortable doing it like that.

Would you sing it now for us?

If you did want to sing it...

Oh, good, you've brought the tortoise's head.

Would you like to? You could imagine David is the tortoise if you like.

-OK.

-He could just sit there and look at you.

LAUGHTER

-Derek.

-I'm the tortoise?

-Yes, you can be.

-OK.

But he was a bit happier. It was his birthday.

APPLAUSE

It's me!

-Did you just say, "It's me?"

-"It's me!" Derek was...

Do you think he recognised you, the tortoise?

-Derek's my biggest fan.

-"It's me, from X Factor!"

-It's...

-SHE SUCCUMBS TO LAUGHTER

SHE CLEARS THROAT

# Happy birthday to you, Derek

# Happy birthday to you... #

Come on, Derek.

Yeah, it was a lot like that, it was a lot like that.

Sorry, have you forgot the words?

No, I just... I feel like this substitute for Derek

is really not appreciating what I'm doing, and I don't want to continue.

Excuse me, I take acting very seriously,

and I'm immersing myself in the role of a 60-year-old tortoise,

and I believe this is how the tortoise will have behaved.

But I'm telling you, I'm there.

If you're telling me the tortoise was jumping up and wagging its tail,

then I'm sorry, I think we've left the bounds of credibility.

I was there!

All right, what about David? Remind us of your statement.

Yes, this is John, he's the locksmith that

came to help my locksmith when my locksmith, that locksmith,

had locked himself out of his van.

OK, so, first of all, why did you employ a locksmith?

Because I couldn't get into my house.

-All right.

-Erm...

Because?

And it was an issue with the lock.

-What was the issue with the lock?

-My key had broken in half.

-In the lock?

-In the lock.

-You were locked... You're now locked out.

-Yeah.

So, first of all, what do you do next?

-I rang my wife.

-Right.

So you had your mobile, you phone your wife, and you said,

"Are you still doing the locksmith stuff, love?"

I said, "I... I'm..."

"I'm on a job, Dave, I'm on a job. I'll be round as soon as I can."

I said...

"I can come round Friday, maybe Saturday, but I can't promise."

I said, "The key has snapped off in the lock. I believe, darling,

"that you have the number of a locksmith in the area, don't you?"

-So you call your wife...

-Yeah.

-..she gives you the number,

you phone a locksmith, so who was this first locksmith?

-What was his name?

-Andrew.

-Andrew.

-Andrew the locksmith.

Your classic locksmith name, yeah.

-Yeah. Andrew turned up, assessed the situation...

-Right.

..and said, "There'll be no problem, we'll just need to drill out

"the lock and replace it," and then went back to his van,

-and lo and behold...

-What?

..he'd left the key in it, and he couldn't get in.

Wow. Now, I'm taking it he's got your wife's number as well.

Right, so when Andrew came, how did he know that that little bit

-of key had broken off in the lock? Did you tell him?

-Well, yes.

-Yeah, did you do it...?

-I thought I'd give him a clue!

I didn't say, "Oh, I'll tell you what, I'll let you work this out

"for yourself, I'm not going to show the broken off end of key,

"you try and get in".

-How did he examine it?

-"Now you try and get in your own van!"

I did the whole thing to make Andrew seem like a failure.

"What are you? You can gain admittance nowhere!"

Who do you phone next? What happens next?

-I didn't phone.

-Did...?

-Andrew phoned.

You almost looked at him, then, didn't you?

-I DID look at him.

-But he didn't phone him.

-No.

-He's the phonee, not the phoner. I mean, he's literally the phonee...

-Yeah.

-..if you're saying you know him.

Yeah, yeah.

So... Another one for the Countdown audience.

Yeah, so, Andrew, not John, called his own company...

-OK.

-Yeah.

-OK.

..which I thought was a good sign.

So John now turns up, in the identical looking van,

-cos it's a company van, I assume.

-HESITANTLY:

-Mm-hm.

You said, "Mm-hm," like I was trying to trick you there.

-Were you not?

-No, I was just talking.

Cos you should. You should try that.

LAUGHTER

So he turns up in a completely different van, right?

Yes, well, he couldn't turn up in the same van.

He turns up in a different...

Well, in fact, no, what happened was, Andrew rang, John answered,

and said, "Oh, funnily enough, I'm asleep in the van,

"and I can open it from the inside."

-So he turns up.

-Yeah.

-And how does he get him out of the van?

-Er...

-Talk us through the process.

-I don't...

I know he's a locksmith, but, roughly, what did he do?

-I don't know, even roughly.

-Did you watch?

No, I just stayed sitting on the bench by my front door.

-You've got a bench by the front door?

-A bench?

You've got a porch? By your front door?

Is that where you make people wait?

People don't have benches by the front door!

I've wasted this brilliant nugget just mentioning it in passing.

This should have been on a card! "I have a bench by my front door."

"Wow, a bench by your front door!"

"A front door and a bench in the same universe, next to each other?"

Have you got a bench outside the front door?

No, I've never seen a bench by a front door!

-Well, try it!

-I've gone there. This is annoying me,

cos I've been to your house and there was definitely not a bench.

-Are you getting this bench out just for special people?

-You...

The amount of times I've knocked on your door,

and you've gone, "Sit on the floor and wait."

You HAVE been to my house, and there WAS a bench by the front door,

you just didn't notice it.

Well, I'll tell you, after I went, I left, and there isn't one now.

I quite liked that bench.

I can't believe that a team of people, one of whom

does his own dentistry on the top of a kitchen island

with a mirror attached to an Indian wind instrument,

can't believe that someone would have a bench next to a door.

-I can't believe it!

-APPLAUSE

All right, well, we need an answer.

So, Lee's team, is John

Susie's helpful hero, Stacey's party planner,

or David's lock legend?

What are you thinking, Bob? Who do you think it is?

Well, I'm thinking, "Is that man a tortoise owner?"

And I've said to myself, "Is he a locksmith?"

and I don't see it. That man's been in cold rivers, look at him.

OK, we're going to have to go with Susie, aren't we?

Cos I can't see it being the other two, so it has to be Susie.

-You're going to say Susie?

-Yes.

-Let's go with Susie.

-OK.

-Yes?

-Yeah, for me, yeah.

John, would you please reveal your true identity?

I'm John, and I rescued Susie when she got caught in a tree.

APPLAUSE

-Yes, John is Susie's helpful hero. Thank you very much, John.

-Cheers.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Lee.

En route to a meeting at the BBC, I gave CPR to an OAP.

-How old?

-David's team.

-Pardon?

-How old?

-I'm 48.

-Why did she need mouth-to-mouth?

Well, it turns out she didn't, and...

But, you know, how do I know how you fix a sprained ankle?

And how did you encounter the OAP?

The OAP was just outside the Tube station where the BBC was,

-and soon will be again, I believe.

-Which line?

-What?

-Which line did you get on?

-I got the train to Waterloo, and then I got the Tube.

-Which colour?

Well, she started off sort of pink, then she went red,

and then she went a bit yellow, and then I just got her back again.

What colour Tube?

Funnily enough, when I got back that day and my wife said,

"What's happened today?", I didn't go, "Well, what a journey".

When did this h...?

I believe that you've been on the London Underground.

Thank you, thank you, David. Well, shall we leave it at that?

Not quite. Describe the scene.

I saw people in a circle, looking down on the floor.

-Right.

-Someone said, "Is anyone a doctor?"

And I said, "Yeah".

"Yeah, there's loads of people."

-Yeah.

-She goes, "I don't suppose you can do CPR, can you?"

And I went, "Can I do CPR?" And as it happens, I can do CPR.

-So what does CPR involve?

-Yeah.

Put my hand there, put my hand there, and I started doing this,

-this.

-What's your rhythm?

-I did this.

-That's too slow.

-Way too slow.

-It's meant to be Staying Alive.

Oh, you want it in real...?

Sorry, I thought you wanted it in slow motion.

-It's the music of Staying Alive.

-You wanted it in the beat I did.

-It's... # Ah, ah, ah, ah... #

-Ah, yeah, but my record player's broke.

-SLOWLY:

-# Ah, ah, ah, ah

-SLOWLY, DEEP VOICE:

-# Staying alive, staying alive... #

"Will you speed that record player up, love?"

-SLOWLY, DEEP VOICE:

-# Staying alive... #

I'll tell you what, Tragedy's the worst.

-SLOWLY, DEEP VOICE:

-# Tragedy... #

-Really upsetting.

-So what happened?

We got a new record player.

How many of these did you do?

I think I did...

-CORRECT TEMPO:

-# Ah, ah, ah, ah

# Staying aliiiiiive... #

Ah, that was the problem - I paused for the high pitched note,

and she went blue again, I went back again.

# Staying alive, staying alive. #

This didn't help - # Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive... #

So, I'd say I probably got through the first verse.

OK, so you did...

You did the first verse of Staying Alive, then what happened?

And then she literally got up at the right moment of the verse.

She went... # Staying aliiiiiive! #

And then the ambulance came and took her off,

and she went straight over a bridge and died.

All right, so, erm...

What are you thinking? Stacey, does that have the ring of truth for you?

Awful, awful ending to the story, I'm so sorry.

I'm very suspicious. He doesn't even know what Tube he got on.

You really...? Really? That's the most doubtful part of the story?

-What do you think?

-What do you think, Susie?

-No, I think his rhythm was all wrong.

-Whoa!

Bet you've been told that before.

AUDIENCE SHRIEKS

-No, I don't believe it.

-Don't believe it.

-No.

Then I think we think it's a lie.

-You think he was making all of that up?

-I do, I'm afraid.

-Goodness me.

Lee, truth or lie?

It is, in fact, a lie!

I missed, ironically, after that.

Yes, it's a lie.

BUZZER SOUNDS

That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to one.

-Yay!

-APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching. We'll see you next time. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE