Episode 5 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show with unvarnished truths and highly polished lies.

On Lee Mack's team tonight, when she was young,

she wanted to be a vet or a comedian.

Either way, she'd have to practise her putdowns. It's Sara Pascoe.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And he's a former world snooker champion.

In fact, just today, he got a 147.

Dropped him off right outside the studio. It's Steve Davis.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's team tonight, an actor who got

rid of his TV set because there was so much rubbish on it.

I can only apologise. From Line Of Duty, it's Craig Parkinson.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And she went to Cambridge, where she got an MA in history of art.

Just like Lee, she's as clever as she is beautiful.

It's Claudia Winkleman. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And we begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists

each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.

They've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Sara, you're first up.

I once booked a holiday to Costa Rica

because I thought it was in Spain.

LAUGHTER

I only realised my mistake when I sat down on the plane.

David's team.

Where is Costa Rica?

It's in...between um...

America and South America.

-OK.

-Central America, they call it.

-Sorry?

-Central America.

-Yeah.

-And you realised when you sat down on the plane?

-Yes.

-What made you realise?

When you sit down on a plane, it has a chair in front of you,

unless you're the pilot, and it has a little square on it with

the map that you're going to go on.

And it says how long the flight is going to be.

And this flight said 14.5 hours.

Which I thought was a long time to get to Spain.

-And...

-Suddenly, you're a geography expert.

Anyway, so it had all of the dots

and the dots were going away from Europe to Central America.

-And who were you with?

-Myself. By myself.

Where were you going at the time? Was this a holiday?

Um, yes. I was going to do a yoga retreat.

And when you booked the flight,

-was there no information about the landing time?

-No.

I booked the holiday,

and this is bad, on a lunchbreak on my iPhone, while crying.

-So I was paying so little attention.

-OK.

I'd just broken up with my boyfriend

and the only time I had off work was Christmas and New Year.

I decided that rather than being sad in the UK, I was going to go

away and do something like really healthy.

So, how did Costa Rica come into the picture?

Well, I was Googling yoga retreats and it said Costa Rica. Costa Brava, Costa del Sol...

And in your mind, you've always associated Costa Rica...? Oh, I see.

-Yes, in Spain.

-Costa del Sol.

-Yes!

-Well, there is a logic to it.

-Of course!

-OK, yeah. LAUGHTER

I love the way you do that...

I love the way you turned as if it was them

that didn't quite understand that.

Did you get that from the off?

Rob, I'm going to break the news gently.

You're the only one in the room that hadn't actually thought of that.

I hadn't. I hadn't put two and two together.

Do you make this mistake all the time? When you go to Costa Coffee,

-do you think - that was a lot quicker than I thought?

-Yeah!

It's swings and roundabouts, isn't it?

-The first time. The first time.

-APPLAUSE

-Now, what was it like?

-Costa Rica? Um, because it's not in Spain, there's lots of different

insects and scorpions that we don't have in Europe, that we've banished.

And they've all gone to Costa Rica.

What insects do you remember?

-Tarantulas.

-They're not insects, they're arachnids.

-All right, David.

OK.

Oh, let's be factually inaccurate, shall we? That never causes any problems,

as you enter the ninth hour of your flight!

-Spiders are not insects, Costa Rica is not in Spain.

-OK.

This is why education is so important!

All this anger towards me, all of a sudden!

-I've just got one more question. Did you see any monkeys?

-Yes.

-What kind?

-Black and white ones.

This has all been noted. Continue.

-Did that help? The monkeys?

-Yes.

-Do you remember how you paid for it?

-On a debit card.

-Right.

Cos things are going fine!

Did you not think - it's a little bit over the Spanish budget?

No, I didn't, actually. There's a couple of factors just to take into consideration.

Number one, it was over Christmas, New Year,

-so everything's much more expensive.

-You were going away for Christmas?!

-On your own to a yoga retreat?!

-She'd just split up with her boyfriend! Show some sympathy!

-She was crying in her lunch hour.

-Poor girl.

-Yeah, but you don't want to be on your own at Christmas.

Don't fall for this, it's the classic Brydon chat up line.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Say, "Yes, I do," just say that.

I've got a flat in the centre of town. You should come round there.

-All right, what do you think? Is she telling the truth?

-I've got a few problems with this.

I think you can get there faster than 14.5 hours

and there are howler monkeys everywhere.

-That's why I asked her the monkey question.

-Ah.

-Are they black and white?

-No!

-Ooh, what colour's a howler monkey?

-Sort of, I'm going to say, russet.

You used to be russet, didn't you, Steve?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Certain areas, still a bit.

-So, what are you thinking?

-I don't... What do you think?

-I actually now think it's a lie. I'm with you.

-We'll go lie.

So, Sara, was it true, or was it a lie?

It was...

-..true.

-APPLAUSE

It's true!

Sara did go on holiday to Costa Rica because she thought it was in Spain.

Disappointing for us at this stage,

but the good news is a third of their team is an idiot.

-LAUGHTER

-I think you'll find it's two-thirds!

-Yes, of course!

-Don't forget me, David, come on!

OK, Craig, you're next.

When I was eight, for about a year, I insisted my parents set

an extra place at the dinner table for Steve Davis.

Wow!

Lee's team.

-How old are you?

-How old do you think I am?

-It's not about that.

-It is to me.

-I reckon you are, to put it into Steve's language...

-Passing age.

..three reds and four blacks.

You can't make three reds and four blacks.

-That's a good point Steve makes. I can't do three reds and four blacks.

-It's impossible!

-But it took...

I know, I've forgotten and I'm a commentator.

Can I just say, you can, because you could use the black ball as a

free ball, as a red, and you could get three reds and four blacks.

So you're wrong, Steve. But never mind, you're new to it.

What era was this?

-It was in the '80s.

-So when Steve was like the world champion.

-Steve Davis at that time, for me, was my hero.

-Still is, surely?

MOUTHS

-So, you'd never met him?

-Ah.

-You had.

-I HAD met him.

-Oh, you had met him?

-Yeah.

Where did you meet him?

I met him in a shopping arcade in Warrington.

This story's pretty rock 'n' roll.

Have you ever been in a shopping arcade in Warrington, Steve?

I don't know cos the '80s were a long time ago. How old are you?

LAUGHTER

-What was Steve doing in the shopping arcade?

-Signing things for people.

-Yeah, I did sign things.

-Did you take something to sign?

-No, because it was a spur of the moment thing.

-I didn't even know he was going to be there.

-But you met him?

-Yeah.

-And how did that conversation go?

-I can't remember.

He shook my hand and he signed a little piece of paper for me.

He said, "Keep up," because I said I really wanted to play snooker.

-He said you've got to keep practising and practising.

-I used to say that.

-Did you used to say that?

-Yeah, a lot of times, yeah.

-I think because he was so encouraging then, it really spurred

me on, even though I wasn't even tall enough to start playing snooker cos it was

really hypnotising when me and my dad used to watch on the telly.

I just wanted him to be there all the time, at meal times.

-It made me feel very safe.

-Oh, it made you feel safe?

-LAUGHTER

-What? Don't be like that! That's a nice thing!

-We haven't found out how old he is.

-He was probably born in about '78.

-We've got Wikipedia? Haven't you?

Born in '78, I'm going to have him down as a 39-year-old man.

Yeah, we'll take that. That's fine.

-The fact is that an actor, as Sara pointed out...

-Let's leave it there. 39. That's nice.

Actors don't like to disclose their age cos they feel it might prejudice

people against casting them and I wouldn't want to do that with Craig.

-Yeah, it's true.

-Do we need to ask more questions?

I'm just worried about the fact it might be true.

-You're worried that it IS true?

-I'm worried it's true.

-Why is that worrying?

-Because it will freak you out a bit?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Why? Because he's a bit weird?

-Well, I mean, nobody likes stalkers, do they?

-It was his house.

You can't stalk someone by staying in your own house.

Yeah. Actually, if you think about it, you were in his house.

-You were stalking him.

-Yeah, it's you. You.

APPLAUSE

So, look, you're obviously a big Steve Davis fan.

How many times had Steve won the world snooker championship at the age of sort of mid '80s...?

-Three.

-Three. Does that add up?

I... I... Yeah.

What did you like about Steve Davis?

Why didn't you have an imaginary Bill Werbeniuk?

Because I'd never seen anybody quite like Steve Davis.

-SARA:

-Aw!

You believe him, don't you?

So, what's it going to be then, Lee? Do you think it's the truth?

-Sara?

-I think it's true.

-Are you into snooker?

-Nope.

But I've had a lot of fun, listening to all the colours and all the numbers!

-I'm really missing out!

-APPLAUSE

-Steve, what are you thinking?

-I don't want to know about this now.

The thing is, if I say it's true cos I'm being sucked in,

how stupid am I? I'll be the third stupid person on this team.

-You think it's true. Steve, you think it's...

-I think...

I think it's true. I don't want it to be true.

I think we're going to have to say true, then.

OK, you're saying it's true. Let's find out.

Craig, was it true? Or was it a lie?

It was a lie.

APPLAUSE

-Are you not interested in Steve Davis at all?

-No.

LAUGHTER

I did like his character when he was Spitting Image. I liked that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Stop digging! Stop digging!

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery

guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest.

And it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Aubrey.

APPLAUSE

-So, Steve, what is Aubrey to you?

-This is Aubrey.

When he goes on holiday, I look after his pet snail.

-Sara, how do you know Aubrey?

-This is Aubrey.

He once followed me home for ten miles,

just to return my jar of mango chutney.

And finally, Lee?

This is Aubrey.

We were once threatened with eviction after we stole

and fried our housemate's socks.

David, where do you want to start?

Um...

Steve, this snail,

describe it.

It's got a shell.

And an undercarriage.

An undercarriage!

OK.

-LEE:

-Welcome to Steve Davis' Natural History.

It's back to you in the studio!

It's a common garden snail. Nothing special.

And Aubrey asked me to look after it.

-Where does he keep it?

-Basically, in an aquarium,

the same as you would keep any type of snake or lizard.

So, he keeps a common, normal, regular snail...?

-Totally regular snail.

-The sort of thing one might find, you know,

dozens of just in the garden,

-he keeps one of in a tank?

-Yes.

-Does the snail have a name?

-This one's called Judd.

And what do you feed him?

Lettuce or occasionally dandelion leaves.

As a treat.

-LEE:

-Or you should give him Frenchmen as revenge!

Just go back a minute, you specifically said "this one"

is called Judd, which to me suggests there are others.

Yes, he's had others.

-The last one was Ronnie.

-Ronnie before Judd.

-Before Judd.

-And Alex.

-Alex?

I see where this is going.

-Now, are you picking up this theme, Craig?

-Yes. Got this.

With your snooker knowledge, I mean...

-CLAUDIA:

-Steve, does Aubrey have other pets?

-He used to keep snakes.

-What does Aubrey do for a living?

He used to work in the snooker club I played in.

And we got to be friends over a period of time.

I was, to some degree, interested in snakes. No longer.

That's how we sort of got a bit of an interest.

-Does he live near you?

-In the Romford area.

And when he goes away, do you go to his house to feed the snail?

No, the snail comes to me.

That must take ages!

What does the task of looking after a snail involve?

-Fresh food.

-Of course.

-And keeping the soil moist.

And do you monitor...? Do you worry if he appeared a bit sluggish?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MOUTHS

At last, the art form has reached its peak.

Who would you like to quiz next?

Sara, tell us the story about the chutney following.

Um, I was in a supermarket and I did all my shopping and then

when I packed it up, I didn't realise that I'd left some chutney.

-You packed up all the shopping apart from a jar of chutney?

-Yeah.

-Mango, did you say?

-Mango.

-Delish. Continue.

-So nice.

And so then, I went back to my car, I got in my car, I drove away,

I didn't know I'd forgotten anything and then

when I turned off the dual carriageway,

a car was flashing me and I thought I'd done something wrong

and it was this man, called Aubrey, and, um, he came out of his car

and had my chutney.

Is this quite a special supermarket that you had to go all

the way ten miles to get this chutney?

Oh, it's called Lidl and it is worth the drive, my friend!

-It's worth that ten mile trip.

-I wasn't at my house.

I wasn't in London, where I live now.

I was at a writer's retreat in...

-Costa Rica.

-Costa Rica.

A place called Sheldon in the Cotswolds.

So you're sitting at the wheel, he comes alongside,

and you see him holding the chutney.

-Yeah.

-What do you do?

-Well, I put the window down.

-OK.

-And he says, "You left this at the supermarket."

-Creepy.

-"I've been following you."

-How did you know his name was Aubrey?

Did he then go, "Lovely to meet you"?

-No, he tweeted me. He tweeted me that night.

-Saying what?

Just, "How was your dinner, with your chutney?"

-Did you reply?

-No.

-So, hang on...

-This is the first

time you've seen your stalker since...?

-He's not my stalker. It's a year and a half ago.

-He's hardly a stalker.

-She left some chutney and he brought it back to her.

-For ten miles!

If that makes you a stalker, then I think we're all a little bit of a stalker, aren't we?

This is just a jar of normal mango chutney?

It's delicious, but yeah, normal.

Did you definitely leave the chutney there, or did he just pick

anything off a shelf and then follow you and he's here now?

Oh, yes! In the shopping, you found the jar of chutney!

-Oh, this...

-LEE:

-Did you find more chutney?

I didn't, but now I'm scared even though I know I didn't.

All the audience members are going,

"Yes, he stopped me for chutney once!"

Now then. What about Lee?

-Lee, remind us of your story.

-This is Aubrey.

We were once threatened with eviction after we stole

and fried our housemate's socks.

-What was the name of the housemate?

-Her name was Cathy.

And who caught you, frying these socks?

The catching didn't happen till the next day.

Because it was on New Year's Eve and we were about to go out celebrating.

And we may have been, in my more carefree days,

a little bit worse for wear.

And so we decided it would be fun to fry these socks.

So, how did you fry them?

Well, as anyone knows, you want to go for your basic,

get a bit of butter in, get it all hot, nice and heated,

lay the sock like a thin piece of steak, one side, all you're

doing is searing the edges, you don't want to cook the middle.

How did you know Aubrey?

Well, me and Aubrey had been travelling together in Australia.

-We were in Australia at the time. Did I tell you that?

-No.

-Oh, well, I just have.

-Those socks were left in the frying pan, weren't they?

-Yeah, overnight.

-So, who found them the next day?

-The mother of the flatmate.

-STEVE:

-No way!

-Yes way!

Describe the crisis of the next day.

The mother's there, she's come in to the house,

she's seen the charred socks in the frying pan. What happens next?

Yes, so we've come back late on New Year's Eve, now New Year's Day,

it's like four in the morning, so I was still asleep.

And it was Aubrey that got the grief off the mother.

-Right.

-What was she so cross about?

-What was she so cross about?!

We'd fried her daughter's underwear! What do you think?

-Socks is not underwear.

-They are where I wear them.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, the mother gets cross with Aubrey and says what?

She went, "G'day, Cathy. How are ya?" She's come in.

And then she goes, "Ah strewth! Who's done that in me daughter's...

"Who's done that with me daughter's socks?

"I'm gonna go cra-a-azy.

"Oi, you! Aubrey, get yerself de-e-ehn here!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, Aubrey goes down like that. Wanders down in the kitchen.

She went, "Ah, strewth, mate! Who would fry a girl's socks?"

And then he said, "Look, we were a bit..."

And she went, "Don't you...!" And she went crazy at him. She absolutely went crazy.

She said, "I'm going to report you to the owner of the house."

-"And I'm going to have you evicted."

-Were you evicted? Did you have to leave?

-We weren't evicted.

We were threatened with eviction. I think the landlord did then have a word.

Aubrey was very much seen as the leader of the two of us. He's the kind of person...

I mean, look at the different statures of the two of us.

He can hold himself. Boy, can he hold himself!

-And...

-LAUGHTER

You were told not to smile!

We need an answer.

So, David's team, is Aubrey Steve's snail mate,

Sara's condiment saviour, or Lee's sock sizzling sidekick?

-This is a problem.

-It is.

-What's the problem?

The problem is no-one would keep a single snail as a pet,

no-one would follow someone ten miles just to return some

chutney, and Lee would fry some socks, but it's clearly not Lee.

-So...

-So, come on, what's it going to be?

-Socks.

-Socks. You're saying socks. OK.

-Socks.

OK, in that case, Aubrey, would you please reveal your true identity?

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-I'm Aubrey...

And Lee and I fried our housemate's socks.

APPLAUSE

Yes. Aubrey is Lee's sock sizzling

sidekick and proof is found in this.

LAUGHTER Those are the socks.

And who is that ever so camp, glamorous young man holding them up?

Thank you very much, Aubrey. APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, and we start with...

It's David.

Whilst trying to take a picture on a ramble,

a big horse bent my selfie stick.

LAUGHTER

Was it just you on your own?

-Erm, no.

-Please tell me it wasn't just you on your own in a field with

a horse, taking a picture on a selfie stick!

(AS DAVID): Make an effort. Look as if you're enjoying it.

There were three other people there.

Was it for all four of you to be in the photograph with the horse?

No, we weren't trying to get the horse in the picture?

-Oh, the horse wasn't part of the picture?

-We'd asked the horse to take the picture.

How did the horse get involved in the story then?

This might be a help. Look what I've got.

This is one of these selfie sticks that are so popular.

-If I were to go and hand this to you, David.

-Yes.

-Why don't you come out and imagine you're in the countryside?

-Yeah.

And Rob, with that face, you can play the horse.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

It's not just the face that resembles...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sorry, my apologies.

I don't even want to touch it now.

All right, here we go. So I'm a horse. Here I am. Neigh! Whinny!

-Here we are, taking the...

-Neigh!

-We're all nicely in position here

for the photo with the hill, skittish horse.

-Neigh!

-Skittish horse. I'm trying to take the thing.

Can I just check, Rob?

Are you a meerkat trying to sell car insurance?

I'm a horse. I've reared up onto my hind legs.

It didn't rear up. It just sort of danced about a bit.

You worry about playing a repressed, middle-aged Englishman

and I will worry about playing a horse.

OK. So we're ready, we're taking the picture,

I can't get the button to work.

-Fiddle, fiddle, fiddle. Fiddle, fiddle.

-Neigh!

-I accidentally drop it.

-Neigh!

-Like that.

Skittish horse...

APPLAUSE

Oh!

Canter off!

Oh, no!

Oh, I can't hold it, I've got hooves.

-And then it was broken.

-A bit more bent than that.

There we go. And then... Oh, dear!

And then did I get in the picture as well?

And that was it. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's it.

What do we think? I mean...

It really reminded me why I don't go to the theatre.

-It's a very, very poor art form.

-It is, isn't it? Yes.

It's reminding a lot of other people why

they don't watch much television.

-So, is it the truth? Or is it a lie?

-I think it's a lie.

-Lie.

-Because of the selfie stick.

-You think it's a lie.

-Yeah.

OK, David, truth or lie?

Well, it is...

-..a lie.

-APPLAUSE

Next.

It's Lee.

I once returned a T-shirt to a shop,

furious that it had shrunk in the wash,

only to discover mid-complaint, it was in fact my seven-year-old son's.

-David.

-So, what did the T-shirt look like?

It was a small red T-shirt.

I'm guessing you had recently bought a adult sized red T-shirt

-and you put that in the wash.

-Correct.

And presumably also, your son's identical red T-shirt,

purchased at a different time and different place...

I got it from Gap. And he got it from Gap Kids.

And I just grabbed it, put it on, thought, oh, it's shrunk.

I had no reason to believe.. I didn't check the label.

That was my T-shirt, as far as I was concerned.

So, when you went back into Gap, what did you say?

I was in a queue for ages, someone shouted, "Next,"

so I thought - I'm in the wrong shop.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Then I finally found out that it was Gap, so I got to the

front of the queue and I went to the counter and I said, "I'm not happy."

What did they say?

They said, "Well, which one of the dwarves are you?"

I'm interested in you saying that you actually put on your son's

T-shirt, which lest we forget,

you said earlier was something for a seven-year-old child.

All right, I didn't want to say on national television.

My son is clinically obese.

You forced my hand, so now I've got to say it. OK?

So, thank you for that(!)

Thank you, David(!)

No, he's not clinically obese.

I know this is probably not the right way to play this game

and this may seem a little bit like I'm helping the other team, but surely your T-shirt

and your son's T-shirt would have shrunk at the same rate.

-He didn't know his child's T-shirt was in there.

-Nothing's shrunk.

Nothing actually shrunk!

-Steve, Steve, nothing's...

-Oh, I see.

-Nothing shrunk. It's just his son's T-shirt.

-Oh, I see!

Oh, I see!

So, there's no shrinkage. No shrinkage is involved.

OK.

-Are you following this?

-So, why were you complaining?

LAUGHTER

So, there you are at the front of the queue

and you're talking to the assistant.

I handed it over, I said, "I'd like to swap this.

"This T-shirt has shrunk."

She looks at the label, which I haven't done.

She looks at it and assumes that it's my child's T-shirt

that has shrunk.

And she said to me, "Are you sure it's shrunk?"

To which I said, "Yes, because I couldn't put it on."

To which she said, "Well, yes, but could your child put it on?"

I said, "I'm not giving it to my son just cos it's shrunk."

And she said, "Well, if you're sure it's shrunk, then OK, it's shrunk."

She went off, she came back,

she gave me another T-shirt exactly the same size.

And what did you say?

I said, "Well, that has also clearly been in a high wash."

She said, "How big are these supposed to be then?"

I said, "Well, they're supposed to fit me." "Why are they supposed to fit you?"

I said, "Because I bought an adult T-shirt." She went, "Ah! Ho-ho-ho!

"Ha-ha-ha!

"This is hilarious!" I said, "Why?"

She goes, "I don't even work here."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'd gone to the wrong person, hadn't I?

OK, it's time to guess, David. What do you think?

We need to guess. It's a lie!

Put us out of our misery. Was it the truth or was it a lie?

-It's a lie!

-APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. BUZZER

Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that David's team have won 3-2.

Thank you for watching, we'll see you next time, good night.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE