Episode 6 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show that sorts the facts from the fibs.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

a comedian who admits to being

a huge hypochondriac - or at least that's what he thinks he is,

but what if it's something worse? Please welcome Joe Lycett.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a guest who called his first tour Who Is Nish Kumar?

and his second tour, Nish Kumar Is A Comedian.

Please welcome... He's spoilt the introduction, hasn't he?

It's Nish Kumar.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

a host of Watchdog who is not only going to be entertaining us tonight,

but after the show is going to help me get my PPI back. Nikki Fox.

Thank you.

And I'm not saying he's posh,

but he describes the Royal Family as new money - it's Miles Jupp.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists

each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they have no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction

and Miles is first up this evening.

Whilst on holiday in South Africa I had a two-minute conversation

with what I thought was my wife,

only to discover that a small hippo had wandered into the bedroom.

David's team, what do you make of that?

Miles, describe your wife to us.

Tall, slender, statuesque.

So the hippo had a very similar voice to your wife?

The hippo was just sort of moving gently around.

They're known for that.

Not in an especially close proximity.

What was the conversation about and how did you go two minutes?

I'll tell you what the conversation was about, it was about me and I was doing most of the talking,

which obviously contributed to my confusion.

So where in fact was your wife?

My... I don't, I don't know where she was, she was just not...

Have you ever seen your wife again?

So where were you? I'm guessing that this is a safari scenario,

-am I right?

-It was sort of on the outskirts of Cape Town.

Describe the nature of the structure you were in.

Right.

Is it a building, is it on the fourth floor of a...?

Did the hippo have to get in a lift?

OK, well, it's mainly bungalows. The resort is a collection

of sort of bungalow buildings, largely A-frame wooden buildings

with a kind of thatch roof.

Why were the doors so big a hippo could get in?

Well, it's a small hippo, isn't it?

How small is a small hippo?

Like George from Rainbow?

About yay big.

So, so, the hippo was only that big?

-Yeah.

-So about the size of a Labrador?

Well, let's be clear, is that its width or its length?

That is its width, as viewed from behind and I suspect from the front.

This is worse, your wife's like the back end of a hippo!

This A-frame bungalow has how many rooms in it?

It's got two rooms, at one end there is a big bathroom

and then there's, the rest of it is a very big open-plan bedroom

and it has a sort of seating area in the middle of it

and it has a bed at the far end, a very robust bed.

A bed you could make love to a hippo on?

That is speculation but I wouldn't bet against it.

OK, we're in the bungalow.

I'm in the en-suite end, OK?

And I'd been shaving and then, you know, shouting over my shoulder

and I realise after a while

I'm not getting a lot back here and I turned round and I saw that I

had not been moaning about my career to my wife, but to a baby hippo.

-How long was this baby hippo?

-Yeah.

Well, I only saw it from the back, but I imagine statistically

-it'd be, what, probably three times as long as it was wide?

-OK.

So, broadly, so it was a sort of as long as this desk.

Nobody measure animals by width.

"Oh, I saw a massive snake, it was this big."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So what are you going to say, is he telling the truth?

I think based, on the width, it's a lie.

Yeah, I think that was a panicked reach for width.

On the basis of the panicked reach for width,

I think we'll say it's a lie.

You're going to say that's a lie.

OK, Miles, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

It is...

..a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie,

Miles didn't mistake his wife for a hippo whilst on holiday.

Joe, you're next.

"I also went to the same resort and skinned a cheetah.

"I am wearing it tonight."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

At the end of my first driving lesson, my instructor told me

I'd done pretty well but that I didn't need to make

-the noises of the car engine as I drove along.

-Lee's team.

OK, so what kind of noises would you make?

I find it very sort of reassuring to make noises in the car

cos I find it quite stressful driving.

So on the first lesson this is when it started and I'd just go...

HE MIMICS CAR ENGINE

So you would replicate,

then, if you changed gear, you'd do what you just did then.

HE MIMICS CAR ENGINE

Yeah.

What's the reversing around a corner backwards noise?

I need to just get into the character, into the position.

I'd go...

HE SIGHS MECHANICALLY

What's weird about that?

Would you make all the noises?

Would you do indicators, for example?

No, no, let's not be silly.

Joe, just to get to the nitty-gritty - name of driving instructor.

Cos I remember mine - Norman - and we ate Percy Pigs.

I don't actually... Cos I had two cos the first one was a friend

of my dad's and he kept shouting, "Don't panic!"

It wasn't Clive Dunn, was it?

I don't know that reference. Who's Clive Dunn?

LAUGHTER

-Oh, Lee...

-Clive Dunn played Corporal Jones in Dad's Army.

You've just fallen into the generation gap, Lee.

This audience actually oohed the fact that Joe didn't know who...

They were like, "Ohhh, you piece of work."

Well, you say they oohed, perhaps they were accelerating.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So what do you think, then, Lee,

-what is your team thinking about this?

-Nikki, what do we think?

-I reckon it might be the truth.

-You think it's the truth.

Yeah, I would say that, do you, Miles?

I think just Joe is inherently believable, very trustworthy.

OK, well, we'll say it's the truth.

You're saying it's true. Joe, truth or lie?

It is...a lie.

Oh. I'm sorry.

So, our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on

a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest - Amy.

So, Joe, what is Amy to you?

This is my friend Amy and I grossly offended her

when I made a less-than-perfect sculpture of her head.

Nish, how do you know Amy?

This is my friend Amy. We became friends after

I found her asleep in a box of volleyballs.

And finally, David, what is your relationship with Amy?

This is Amy, she is the charity shop worker who sold my shoes

whilst I was otherwise engaged trying on a pair of cowboy boots.

Lee, where do you want to start?

Nish, remind us again.

-I found her in a box of...

-Oh, yes.

-..volleyballs.

First of all, where were you where there was a box of volleyballs?

I was working at a leisure centre just after I left school

and Amy was also working there over the summer between school

and uni and they sent me to check on the volleyballs.

Whoa, whoa, to check on the volleyballs?

MILES: That's a good job for a new guy.

"Make sure the volleyballs aren't messing around."

Had your manager recently been watching Toy Story?

I believe the technical term was "conduct inventory".

-So I was just trying to make sure.

-You're supposed to count them?

Yeah, you're supposed to count them and it turned out that what she was

doing was, because no-one really wanted to play volleyball,

she'd found the perfect spot to have a mid-work sleep in.

-How big was this box?

-It was, like, woman-sized.

-Could she stretch...? Woman-size?

-Yeah.

You've heard of a volleyball coffin.

You know, that's how they transport volleyballs.

So you opened it up and you saw...?

A sleeping woman.

Amongst all these volley balls. How many were there?

Like, I think probably, like, 35.

You see, you've just said to me that this box was woman-sized.

Now, the largest woman I've ever seen is still smaller

than 35 volleyballs.

I've used this as a chat-up line.

When a woman says, "Oh, I feel a bit fat in this," I'll always go,

"Don't be silly, you look less than 35 volleyballs to me."

So she's... Did you wake her up?

Yes, and so we became friends,

because then I would also often have a nap in the volleyballs.

What was her job...?

-What was she supposed to be doing at the time?

-We, we, we were...

Perhaps she was sent to count the volleyballs earlier

and had become bored by the monotony of the process.

The boss - "I keep sending people to count the volleyballs

"and they never come back."

Working at the leisure centre,

Nish, what else did your job demand of you?

Basically, all-round dogsbody,

so I would work on the front desk sometimes.

I thought you were going to say all round ball games.

So, everything except rugby.

-Bowls, David.

-What?

They're not totally spherical in bowls, that's why they curve.

I would say colloquially they're still round, though.

Oh, hello, it's all kicking off at bridge club.

All right, who else would you like to quiz?

OK, Joe, what situation were you in where you were sculpting her head?

We... I-I have an office in Birmingham where I live.

That'll do.

So, yeah, I totally believe this, I mean that, that makes it,

you can answer any question you like, I don't mind.

-You have an office in Birmingham?

-Yeah.

Why?

Just to...to write jokes and be creative in.

So, you went to this office to write jokes

and said to your friend, "Would you like to come along,

"sit in a corner and I'll sculpt your head"?

"I've been looking for a use for all that clay I keep in my office."

Had you just been watching a Lionel Richie video?

Hello?

-So did you know how to do this?

-No.

But, yeah, I thought practice makes perfect, so I called Amy and...

How long did you spend doing it?

Maybe an hour or so.

Weren't you tempted to just make it really soft, get her face,

push it into it...

..then do the back of her head and then go,

"Well, at least I've got a mould"?

-You said she was offended by this sculpture.

-Yes, she was offended.

So what did you end up with?

-It didn't look like her.

-What did it look like?

It looked more like Ainsley Harriott.

OK, now, what about David? I'm looking forward to this.

What was it you claimed, David?

-That-that Amy is the charity shop worker...

-That's right.

-Oh, yes.

..who sold my shoes whilst I was otherwise engaged

trying on a pair of cowboy boots.

Can you talk us through the incident, please?

-Well, I was in the charity shop.

-Which charity shop?

-It was a Marie Curie charity shop near where I live.

-OK.

I'm setting the scene before this, you're at home, you're thinking,

"It's about time I got myself some cowboy boots,

"but I'm not willing to commit to a new pair in case I go off the idea."

"Just on the very slightest off-chance

"they don't turn out to suit me and my personality."

Cowboy boots, I'll be honest with you, don't particularly appeal

-to me aesthetically.

-Wow, that surprises me.

I don't think they go with what I like to call my style.

Well, how would you describe that style, David?

I-I don't... I think my style is indescribable.

Oh, no, I could describe it.

-Well, let's... I think it's best left undescribed.

-OK.

I wasn't sitting at home plotting the purchase of some cowboy boots.

I was pottering around near my house and I saw the Marie Curie shop

and I saw in the window what looked like a nice selection

-of second-hand novels.

-Right.

And I went in and it wasn't a nice selection of second-hand novels,

it was all Ken Follett crap.

But I did notice the array of shoes

and I tend to take my shoes off at home and maybe wear slippers

or socks - I don't want this to get too sexy.

Hang on, I need my inhaler again.

So what I vaguely was on the lookout for was a pair of everyday,

easy-to-put-on, non-lacing shoes that I could keep by the back door

in case I needed to pop into the garden for some gardening.

But you said you'd taken some of your shoes to the charity shop.

I was, I was wearing shoes.

You decided to take them off in the shop and hand them to her?

When you go shoe shopping do you go barefoot?

-When I take shoes...

-Does somebody take you seriously?

When I take shoes...

"Don't keep me waiting, look how badly I need them!"

But when I take shoes to the Sue Ryder shop, I choose shoes

that I no longer want. I don't wander round

and then go, "Do you know what? "You can have these if you want."

Why would you do that? You take them ready to give.

I wasn't, it was not my plan...

Can I just say, Rob, you're the only person in the whole

of the United Kingdom watching this that isn't following this story.

APPLAUSE Well, he said...

He said he took off his shoes.

Why do you think he took his shoes off?

-To try the other ones!

-To try the cowboy shoes on.

Ohhh!

Right, sorry, sorry.

-Well, David... David, I owe you an apology.

-Thank you.

-There you are in the shop...

-Yeah.

I'm in the shop and I spot these cowboy boots and to me they look

-sort of quite loose and easy to slip on.

-What length?

-Um...

-Not width, length.

-Well, I'd say that long.

About that, so they're coming up to just below the knee?

-They're not, you know...

-How tall are you, Rob?

They're not going to...

-For me, they'd be thigh length.

-"I can't see over these."

"Aaah!"

No, I would say they're, for a cowboy,

-they're shortish...

-Leather or suede?

-..but they're not ankle boots.

-Leather or suede?

Leather and with a sort of, bit of,

you see, I don't know the technical shoe terms, but sort of like,

like a bit of crenulation sort of flapping underneath.

I'm just going to have to use the terminology of the medieval castle,

it's the only way I have of describing it.

Anyway, they look like...

-So, you saw them, you saw the boots?

-Yeah, I saw them.

-OK.

-So I thought, you know, "I'll try them on."

-Yeah.

-But they were slightly harder to get on than I imagined.

-Ah.

People in the shop, I imagine, were going,

"Why is David Mitchell trying on cowboy boots?"

The shop wasn't as packed as you're imagining.

-In fact, I thought myself to be the only customer there.

-Right.

I was soon disabused of that.

When did you notice that your own shoes had been sold?

I think, well, I-I remember I walked to the back of the shop

in the cowboy boots, restraining an urge to walk like John Wayne,

and when I came back towards the shoe area

I noticed that my shoes weren't there.

-And did you see who'd bought them?

-I didn't, no.

I'm picturing a scene where you walk out the shop and you walk home

and then, a few minutes later, a cowboy goes up to the counter

and says, "Excuse me, I was just trying on a pair of..."

And then behind him, a clown and a sailor...

This just goes on all day. Round and round.

David, David, I don't know you, I've just got to know you today,

and I admire you very much, but what I know of you from watching you

on TV, the cowboy boots are just... I can't buy it.

I can't imagine you'd even try them on.

Well, in which case, then, you should say that I'm lying.

That I might do.

So, we need an answer.

Lee's team, is Amy Joe's miffed model,

Nish's sleepy sidekick

or David's sneaky shoe seller?

-I'm more inclined to believe Nish, myself.

-You believe Nish.

-Yeah.

-Because?

-Because, I dunno, I just think Amy

and Nish look like they could be really good mates.

-Miles, you think?

-Well, I was looking at her very closely

while Joe was talking about sculpting her, she looked quite icy

about the whole thing and, of course,

she was very offended in the story,

but during David's story she looked, I mean, understandably, baffled.

I think it might be Joe, actually. What do you think?

Well, I'm not... I'm beginning to think,

I mean, it doesn't even matter what I think. I mean, your own...

I mean, my job really is to agree with you. I mean, you are a man...

Are we trying to re-enact Dad's Army here?

"Do you think that's wise, sir?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think Nish is telling the truth.

You think Nish is telling the truth. You think Nish is telling the truth.

-Yeah.

-Right, in that case... I'll go with what my team say.

You're saying it's Nish.

No, I'm overruling! I'm going with Joe.

-Are you seriously?

-I feel it's Joe.

-All right.

Amy, would you please reveal your true identity?

I'm Amy, and I'm Joe's friend.

This is the sculpture that Joe...

HE LAUGHS Good Lord!

This is the sculpture - get ready for this.

You will never in your lifetime

witness a worse sculpture than this.

You poor, poor woman.

Yes, Amy is Joe's miffed model.

-Thank you very much, Amy.

-Thank you.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-Fire Lies,

and we start with...

-It's Nikki.

-Right.

I love gravy so much that I freeze it into ice lollies

to suck in the summertime.

David.

You maniac!

What sort of gravy - beef, chicken or vegetable?

Beef gravy would be my gravy of choice.

Do you only make lollies out of the beef gravy?

If I'm desperate...

Yeah, you do sound desperate.

..I might possibly choose another gravy.

Do you use granules?

I try and avoid granules.

Cos I think, if you're going to have a gravy ice lolly,

-you might as well do a posh one.

-Yeah.

Everybody thinks it's strange, yeah, everyone thinks it's strange.

-It is strange.

-Do you think it's strange?

No, because I think if I made you one, you'd suck that gravy lolly...

Need the inhaler again.

Yeah.

..you'd suck that gravy lolly and you'll be like, "Nikki..."

There's the slogan right there. It markets itself.

"You suck that gravy lolly."

So, David, what are you going to say, is this the truth

-or is Nikki telling a lie?

-What do you think?

-I think it's true.

-You think it's true.

-I think she's off her nut.

And I think she's made a gravy lolly.

I think it's a lie because I think... No, I can't believe

I'm having to justify this, it's a gravy lolly, I think it's a lie.

-I think, overall, I think it's a lie.

-Think it's a lie, OK.

Nikki, was it the truth or was it a lie?

It is, in fact, a lie.

But I'm glad you believed it.

Yes, it's a lie. Nikki doesn't freeze gravy to use as ice lollies.

Next.

It's Lee.

On a recent train journey, under cover of darkness in a tunnel,

I secretly switched bananas with the stranger opposite

because his looked better than mine.

David.

So, why was there no lighting in this train?

Were you perhaps travelling in the 1870s?

Because it was daytime

and in daytime they don't turn the lights on in a train.

So they were unaware of the tunnel on their route?

The tunnel was so brief and so quick they didn't bother.

So it was very brief, so it's basically like an extended bridge.

It was a short cut.

So it was a very quick tunnel, but nevertheless you had time...

-Very quick tunnel, I would say...

-..to swap bananas.

No more than five seconds.

Can you demonstrate how you did it?

Yeah, I had my banana and I was looking at it thinking...

You know when yours is just a bit, it's not...

I like them really yellow. I don't like that bit where they're

just starting to go a little bit black, you know what I mean,

just a little bit. But it was close enough where I thought,

"Given an opportunity, I reckon I could swap that banana,"

cos he was reading his paper. I thought, "He's not concentrating

"on that banana, he hasn't fully engaged with the colour."

So he was reading his paper, he was holding a newspaper

with two hands and then, in one of the hands, he also had a banana?

No, no, it was on the table in front of him.

Have you been on a train recently?

-The point is he wasn't holding the banana.

-I'm not that bold.

-No, fine.

-I'm not that bold.

That would have been awkward in the darkness.

"Oi, what's going on, what's going on?

"Hey, hey, what's going on?" And then the lights go on and I go...

HE WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY

Mine was sitting on the table, his was sitting on the table.

OK, and you saw the two bananas, yours has gone a bit manky,

-his is pristine.

-Just a fraction.

-Just on the turn.

Just enough that I could get away with swapping it.

Yeah, so it's plausible that he might think, "Oh, I thought this banana was fresher than this"?

-Yeah, but it was like a film...

-"It's been 14 seconds later, maybe it's just turned."

Did you have any reading materials or were you just sat?

Don't mock me, you know I can't read.

I was simply entertaining myself, as ever, with my Etch A Sketch

and I remember thinking...

I'm looking and thinking, "He's not looked at that banana once,

"that's wasted on him." But that's irritated me and then I just

thought, like that, put it back in its case - I'm very protective

of it - and I thought, "Could I...?"

I was tempted to do it, I thought, "No, I'll never get away with this."

And then suddenly it was pitch-black.

I'm struggling to envision a tunnel that takes five seconds

to get through but is...

-Well, do you know those really long tunnels?

-Yeah.

Imagine one of them but really short.

But that renders the whole carriage, it just, complete blackout.

Well, you know, all I can say, there's one important factor

you're missing - bright sunshine, eye adjustment.

Because the effect of the bright sunlight directly on your eyes...

Did I not mention how bright it was?

-Very, very bright?

-Oh, it was bright, I can't help thinking

he wasn't reading that paper, it was shielding him!

In fact, it was so bright

-I think the bananas actually grew on the train.

-Yeah.

-So it's a moment of complete blackness.

-Black.

-You're almost...

-Black as night.

You're almost blinded in this blackness.

I'm so blinded! And do you know, it was so dark, you know

when it's so dark you think, "God, it's dark, I could nick a banana"?

But that's my whole point, how did you manage...

Yeah, how did you see the banana?

..to put your hand on his banana if it's so...?

You must have rummaged around.

No, I didn't rummage. Picture the scene, the Etch A Sketch

is away, he's behind his paper, and I'm looking and his banana's

definitely reachable, and he's not looking and it's there and

even before we go through the tunnel I'm tempted, I'm going,

"Could I? No. Could I? No." There's no-one looking here, there's no-one looking...

And I'm so close to making that decision - it goes black!

"Get it, get it, go!"

APPLAUSE

And I'll never forget his face.

I will never forget his face, he literally...

It made a bit of a noise, bit of a kafuffle, and the lights came on,

and he literally went...

-And I knew I'd got away with it.

-So what do you think, David?

What do you think?

-Absolute nonsense.

-All right!

-What do you think?

Listen, give me another go.

It was a pomegranate on a rickshaw!

I mean, it's a very, very rich, complete picture

-that Lee has painted.

-Yes.

But I don't think he... I simply don't think...

-Grapefruit in a brothel?

-..he would steal someone else's banana.

I think he looks low on potassium as well.

-So, for you, it is a lie.

-Yeah.

Lee, were you - everybody's on tenterhooks to find out -

were you telling the truth?

Or was it maybe a lie?

Hmm, what do we think, team?

LAUGHTER

This is the one where you know the answer and you say.

Oh, I see. In that case, it's a lie.

Yes, amazingly, it's a lie.

Lee didn't secretly switch bananas with a stranger on the train.

BUZZER

Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team have won by 4 points to 1.

APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching. Goodnight.