Episode 7 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show with tall tales and tantalising truths.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,

an actress who recently played the part of Anne Boleyn.

Very exciting. Although, spoiler alert,

she's not in the second series!

It's Cariad Lloyd.

APPLAUSE

And a comedian, who when he was on Celebrity MasterChef,

arranged his herbs in alphabetical order.

Where did he find the thyme?

Probably next to the parsley! It's Ade Edmondson.

APPLAUSE

And over on David Mitchell's team tonight,

a singer who is one half of Rizzle Kicks.

So tonight's biggest lie

will be when David pretends he's heard of them!

It's Jordan Stephens.

APPLAUSE

And as part of The Apprentice,

he's responsible for Lord Sugar's annual search

to find Britain's most deluded narcissist!

Please welcome Claude Littner.

APPLAUSE

And so to round one, Home Truths, where our panellists

each read a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder they've never seen the card before,

they have no idea what they'll be faced with

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Ade, you're first up.

Right.

"When I broke my neck at school all I was given was an aspirin."

-David's team.

-What happened? How did you break your neck?

Erm...

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, we can lose that pause in the edit!

LAUGHTER

As a young man I was in the gym team.

-Right.

-At school.

We were doing a display for... Whatever you do...

Founder's Day, something like that you know.

I had to do a somersault over a box.

A box?

A horse.

-Yeah, yeah, a horse box.

-The bit...

-One of the...

-It wasn't that big.

-No, a vault.

-Yes.

So I jumped over one of those

and was supposed to do a somersault, but I did one and a half.

And landed on your head.

He's very clever, isn't he, that one?

So what happened then, Ade? You came crashing to the floor?

There was a very loud noise.

Your neck breaking made a noise?

Yes. Why wouldn't a neck breaking make a lot of noise?

-That's a good point.

-Wouldn't you scream anyway?

But the noise would precede the scream.

But on the way down, on the way to hitting your neck,

presumably you'd be shouting out something like, "Ahhh!"

No because actually there's sometimes a delay before the pain actually arrives.

Yeah, but there still might be alarm as you see the chances of you saving yourself from your neck breaking.

It's like people in an aeroplane that's crashing,

they're probably screaming and you don't go,

"Well, you're fine at the moment."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So you've hit the ground, you fall to the floor, what happens then?

-I was in a great deal of pain.

-Was there a gym teacher present?

There was. He was Scottish. Jock Watt, his name was.

LAUGHTER

-No, no, no.

-That was his...

-Jock Watt.

You had a teacher called Jock Watt? So what did Watt do?

One of the first things he did...

..was he put out his cigarette.

LAUGHTER

-Erm, no...

-On the head of a nearby child.

LAUGHTER

-Watt was there...

-Where?

-In the display.

-Watt was in the display?

What? Part of it?

-We're quite small schoolboys.

-Cheer leaders.

-So there's a kind of teacher to catch you.

-Oh, yes.

-Or half catch you, half catch...

-What, somebody dropped you?

You bounce over the thing and you sort of...

Is that after he dropped you? Is that when he went...

LAUGHTER

I was carried off the field of display.

-By what?

-By...

LAUGHTER

And taken to the sick bay...

..where I was given an aspirin.

So where was Watt now?

LAUGHTER

I wish his name wasn't Watt.

Why?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, dear.

So was it evident to you from the start that you'd

broken your neck?

Er, no.

I suffered a great deal of pain for very many years...

..and didn't really find out about the...

..crushed vertebrae...

..until...

Yesterday.

Until a few years after.

So what are you thinking? Are you thinking that it could be true?

Well, the thing is, I have been observing him, as I do,

and he doesn't have full movement of his neck.

Look, look at that.

Wow!

How long have you been observing him for, Claude?

Yeah, you see.

-What do you think?

-I reckon it's true now because

-of the whole neck thing.

-You think it's true because

-of inhibited neck movement.

-I do, indeed.

We're going to say it's true.

Ade Edmondson, was it true or was it a lie?

It's...

-..true.

-Yeah!

Yes, it's true, Ade was given an aspirin for a broken neck.

-Cariad...

-Yes.

-..you're next.

OK.

I was sacked from my job in a call centre for repeatedly using

different accents on the phone.

David's team.

Who were you in a call centre for? Who did you work for?

I was working for Royal Mail.

-Royal Mail?

-Yeah.

And what sort of call do you get, "Where's my post?"

It was a while ago, and you used to not have Google

and people used to ring for postcodes.

What's your favourite accent to do?

So, obviously Welsh is easy, so...

Would you do the accent of the postcode?

Yeah, that would... Sometimes you could do that.

-So, OK, I'll be the person who needs my postcode, OK?

-OK.

IMITATES A PHONE RINGING

Yeah.

That does sound like a pre-Google phone, I'll give you that.

-Hello.

-Oh, hello.

-Bore da.

-I need a postcode, please.

-That's nice.

Oh, are you Welsh as well?

THEY SPEAK WELSH

HE CONTINUES TO SPEAK WELSH: Sitting on panel, moron to your left.

Can you give me the full address, please?

All right, 14 Mack Avenue.

Now where's that now?

It's just round the corner from Success Street.

14 Mack Avenue, Deadsville, Nowhere Town.

-I'm afraid...

-Oh, it is in Wales.

Oh, yes, that's very near Swansea.

The postcode you require is S for sugar, W for Wilson, eight,

R for Robert, B for Bertie.

That's a lot nearer Wimbledon than I expected.

SW.

Well, I wasn't always right.

-David, why don't you make an enquiry?

-OK. Hello.

Well, hang on, you've got to ring her first.

HE IMITATES PHONE RINGING

-That's really good.

-The sooner this is privatised the better!

-SHE IMITATES AN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Hi, there, hello. Hi.

Oh, I wasn't expecting to speak to an American.

No, I know, it's exciting, we just...

I just came over here and I got myself a job.

-That's very good, that's very good.

-Thanks.

Were you working nine to five, by any chance?

-How can I help y'all?

-Well, I would like...

How y'all doing there, you have a nice day?

It's so hot here in London, I can't tell you, I'm sweating like a pig.

Well, hang on, it's not one of those lines, is it?

HE IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT: Well, it's real hot here.

I might just get out of these hot clothes.

I literally didn't say that!

I said sweating like a pig!

In which case, at the other end you'd hear...

HE IMITATES DAVID: "Ah, really?

"Oh, gosh, well, I certainly wasn't expecting that."

So, how did they discover that you were doing these voices?

I didn't know, but they were listening in to check.

For training purposes.

And so they were listening in for a week on me.

Look, I have as much of a sense of fun as the next man, but...

I hope it's not him.

..that's very disrespectful to your employers.

They were paying me like 4.60 an hour, I think.

Well, work more hours.

Work more hours, save up, you could go on a cruise!

So what did they say to you? What did they say to you?

They took me aside and it was going to be like Christmas break

and they just said, "We're asking everyone back after Christmas,

"but we're not asking you."

I should have said, "That's fine, sugar, I don't even care."

But I didn't.

So what do you think, Claude?

Yeah, you have to say it out loud.

-I think it's a lie.

-You think it's a lie?

They wouldn't wait a week to fire her. I'd have fired her immediately.

I think it's believable that you could be that bored

in a phone centre.

I'm leaning towards true.

OK, you're saying it's true?

Cariad, truth or lie?

It's true.

Yes, it's true.

Cariad was sacked from her job for using different accents.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now this week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Ian.

So, Claude, what is Ian to you?

Well, this is Ian and he's keeping my motorbike in his shed,

and my wife doesn't know that I've actually got a motorbike.

Jordan, how do you know Ian?

This is Ian, we used to regularly drive to a field together

and howl at the moon.

And, David, what is your relationship with Ian?

This is Ian, he is the taxi driver who cooked me

a fried egg sandwich on the engine of his car.

So there we have it. Lee, where do you want to start?

Well, we could do with one more, cos none of them

are sounding very convincing.

So, Jordan, why would you bark at the moon?

Because full moon, you know, like, it's what you do.

-Oh, so, you were doing it...

-No, no, no, you don't.

You would only do the full moon?

-Yeah, it would be a full moon.

-Where would you do this?

Um, a field.

How old were you?

Four.

My mum was there and some of her friends.

-How old are you?

-I'm 25.

And do you know how old he is?

-Uh...

-Roughly?

-I notice you had to glance there, Jordan, just to check.

-40?

So he's 15 years older than you, so when you were four,

he was 19, right?

What's your relationship with this man?

He's, like, my mum's mate.

He's your mum's friend, and so your mum would howl at the moon?

-Yeah.

-Why?

Yeah, my mum loves the moon, in fact.

It sounds like you all love the moon.

Yeah. My mum's name's actually Emmaluna,

because she likes the moon.

Right.

Hang on, what? She changed her name to that?

Yeah, I think she was called Emmelina.

And what's his name?

-Um, well, Ian...

-Do you want a minute to think?

-It's Ian Howell.

-Ian Howell?

-Ian Howell?

-Yeah.

Ian Howell and Emmaluna.

And did you have a moon associated name at that time?

-I wanted one.

-But you weren't old enough to get your moon name.

-You hadn't earned your moon name.

-Yeah.

They just kept calling you son.

"You're not ready yet, son."

How many people were in the field howling at the moon?

I don't know, it was dark.

How long are you doing this?

How long are you howling at the moon for? Were you there all night?

-How long for?

-Yeah.

-Just until we felt better.

Better? What was up with you?

It's very... No, it's very therapeutic howling at the moon.

But, yeah, therapy for what? What was up with you?

-Well, you know, the month gets a bit like, "Oh."

-Yeah.

-You look at your hands, they've gone really hairy.

-Yeah. Yes.

We'd better howl at the moon.

But I had a, you know, quite a hippie upbringing, you know.

I was just getting at one with nature.

So it's getting at one with nature, it was a bit of a hippie...

Feeling the energy.

We just had a thunder moon, actually, very powerful.

-You've just had one?

-Yeah, recently.

-We have just had one.

-Yeah, we did.

I haven't personally had a thunder moon.

-What's a thunder moon?

-It's not, like, a dish.

"I had thunder moon last night, it was fantastic."

I had curry last night, I had thunder moon this morning.

All right, who else would you like to question?

Claude, why don't you remind us of...

-Sorry, Claude, yes.

-..how you know Ian?

-Well, I know Ian because I first met him about a year ago.

-Yeah.

And he came to fix a leak in my house.

In the course of conversation, he said that he's got a motorbike,

and actually I've always wanted a motorbike.

-Right, have you never owned one before?

-No, I haven't.

-OK.

-No.

So you've never ridden one?

-I probably have on holiday, but not really.

-All right.

-What bike is it?

-What bike have I actually bought?

-Yeah.

Well, I'm glad you've asked me that.

It's called... I don't know how familiar you are with bikes?

-Very familiar.

-Well, let's assume he is.

-OK.

-It's called a Fat Boy.

-Oh, good.

-Fat Boy?

It's a Harley Davidson.

And when did you take your test?

No, I haven't taken the test. That's why the bike's in his shed.

-Because you can't drive it?

-Not yet, but I can start it up.

So you bought...

Why haven't you told your wife?

I don't think she'd approve.

Well, do you think this is not going to give it away

a bit on national television?

Look, sooner or later the truth must out

and I've chosen tonight.

You've got a Harley Davidson that you're just happy not to

-ride around.

-Well, I'm not happy, I'm not happy about it.

It's more of a status symbol, do you know what I mean?

-I've got a Harley.

-It's only a status symbol if it's

outside the shed and you're sat on it.

It's not a status symbol if it's in someone's shed and no-one sees it.

You might as well have bought a rake.

-And you go and visit the bike?

-I do.

-To have a look at it?

Well, what I do is I tell my wife I'm going on a business meeting

and that gives me a few hours of leeway and I go to the shed.

-And what do you do?

-Start up the bike.

Feel the throbbing.

What do you think your wife's going to say

when she's watching this programme, apart from,

"Why did you go on that?"

Well, the thing is that actually she's in the audience now,

-so it's even worse than...

-She's here tonight?

-She is.

Well, this'll be nice for her to find out.

-How much did you pay for it?

-Well, the thing is I'm glad...

The list price was around £17,500.

I said that quickly, so it doesn't kind of get too much...

And how much did you pay, darling?

I paid a shade under 15 grand, which I think you'll find is

a very good price.

Why did they give you 2,500 grand off? Cos you're clearly a rich...

Cos that's the way I do deals.

You're just good at doing deals?

Yeah. That's the way I roll.

Now, when you do come to ride this bike, what will your attire be?

-Will you be wearing leathers?

-Yes, I've already bought my leathers.

-You wear the leathers when you go to look at it?

-Yeah.

-You don't!

-I do.

But the thing is with me,

it's just that I just wanted to have the wind in my hair.

All right, what about David?

Remind us again, please, David.

This is Ian, he's the taxi driver who cooked me

a fried egg sandwich on the engine of his car.

And where were you going from and to?

I was going from a holiday home in the west country in Cornwall.

Your holiday home?

No, I temporarily had legal access to the holiday home.

It's quite a common... I don't know what

the name of it in contract law would be, but it's like

when you go on holiday to a holiday home and it's not your

holiday home, but you're allowed to be there for a bit

-if you give them money.

-It's called a rental.

-Rental!

You're at a rental home.

And then I was leaving it to go to a railway station.

What station was it?

Bodmin Parkway.

You definitely started the word Bodmin not knowing how that

was going to end.

-Bodmin Parkway.

-And he drove you to Bodmin Parkway?

-Yes.

And when did the fried egg, when did that come out in conversation?

-Yeah.

-When we'd arrived at Bodmin.

-You'd already arrived?

Didn't you have a train to catch?

-Yes, but the train...

-Yes?

-..had been cancelled.

-Ah.

Why? Why was it cancelled?

I can't remember, but it does sometimes.

Believe me, that can happen.

Could he not just drive you into Bodmin and find

a cafe and go to a cafe?

I think he's proud of his egg on engine cooking skills.

How did he do it?

-Do you have a frying pan on the engine?

-No.

-What happened?

Aluminium foil.

-So he has this with him...

-Just cracked it in.

Oh, he didn't have any of this with him. No, no, he mimed it.

And where did he find the egg?

-He had it in the car.

-He had an egg in the car?

-Oh, that's weird.

-I'll tell you what, he didn't just have one egg,

he had, I think, I would estimate between three and six.

-Where did he keep these eggs in the car?

-Yeah.

-In an egg box.

No, but where was the egg box? Was it in the boot?

No, I think it was in a bag in the boot.

A bag in the boot.

Boot, bag, egg box,

eggshell, white, yolk.

You forgot an egg for a minute.

For a man like you, David, it seems socially awkward to be

standing round the engine with a bit of tinfoil and...

But isn't that more reason that it happened?

Any normal people like us would just go, "You're all right, mate,"

-and walk off.

-Yeah.

David, he's stood there, "Well, I suppose I'd better forget

"the train and just have an egg sandwich."

Forget the train! I'm waiting.

I've got to wait there an hour.

Yeah, I'm not trying to sort of forge a new life with

Ian at Bodmin Parkway car park.

Oh, we've got four eggs, that'll see us through the next day or two.

So, we need an answer. Lee's team, is Ian Claude's motorbike minder,

Jordan's moonlight mate, or David's fried egg friend?

What I don't like about David's story is

the idea that there was another - I live in the south-west -

that there was another train in an hour, they're not that frequent.

Really? Are they like once a day?

There's like three trains on that line from Bodmin.

You've been done.

-Wow.

-OK, what about Claude and the motorbike?

The idea that he wouldn't tell his wife

that he's bought a motorbike, I actually do buy, I buy that bit.

The bit I don't buy is that he chooses a light entertainment show

that's been nominated for three BAFTAs - we've never won -

to tell everybody, mainly his wife, that that is what he's done.

All right, now what about Jordan and howling at the moon?

I'm liking this story.

I still don't know why. He said it's to make him feel better, but...

No, I had hippie parents and I had to do a lot of weird stuff.

What did you have to do?

Oh, we had to go and sit in circles and chant and shout,

in like communes in Scotland. Yeah.

So I had to weird stuff like that.

Am I the only one that we all had to go shop lifting at Threshers?

-I'm thinking Jordan.

-OK, we'll go... Shall we go for Jordan?

You're going for Jordan?

Or it could be Claude, look at his little eyes.

It was just as I said Jordan then, you were about to turn,

Claude literally, like the evil man with the white cat.

He literally went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha."

Just because of the menacing evil smile,

-I think we should change to Claude.

-You're going to go with Claude?

-Claude, the smile of victory.

-All right.

Ian, please reveal your true identity.

-I'm Ian, and Jordan and I used to howl at the moon.

-Ah!

HE HOWLS

Is he called Ian Howell?

And were you called Ian Howell before you were

howling at the moon or did you change your name?

Yes, I was always called Ian Howell.

I knew it, weird hippie stuff.

Let's hear the howl.

THEY HOWL

Yes, Ian is Jordan's moonlight mate.

Thank you very much, Ian.

Thank you.

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

..it's Lee.

Having recently got into Eastern cuisine, this Christmas sees

the launch of my new cookbook...

LAUGHTER

..Lee Mack's Wok Around The Clock.

-David.

-Give us some of the recipes from Wok Around The Clock.

Shall I give you my favourite ones?

-Just your favourite six or seven.

-OK.

Yeah, well, I like quite simplistic

because believe it or not, believe it or not...

-Simplistic!

-..I thought simplistic...

Simplistic, so raw pork.

So, sweet-and-sour pork balls is one of my specialities.

How would you cook your sweet-and-sour pork balls?

Well, I'll tell you exactly how I would cook

my sweet-and-sour pork balls - for £9.99 you can find out.

Did you go to the publishers with this idea?

I went to Penguin because they're the only book publishers

I've heard of.

How keen were they? Because I have to say, if I was a publisher

-and you came to me...

-Yeah.

..I wouldn't be interested.

-Well, ironically, Penguin didn't p-p-p-pick it up straight away.

-Yes!

Did you work in conjunction with a proper chef?

-Of course I was helped a little bit.

-Who? By whom?

It's a friend of mine, works at the Chinese restaurant.

-What's the name of this person?

-You wouldn't know him.

-Well, give it a try.

-Steve.

Steve Jenkins.

I've been going into the Chinese restaurant a lot recently,

and I've been really sort of learning about it

and savouring the dishes, and I keep saying,

"Steve, this is fantastic, what is this?"

And then he says something in Chinese,

which I don't understand, and then I said...

Steve Jenkins is Chinese?

He was adopted when he was a kid by a Chinese family

and taken to China, but he was an English baby, yeah.

This is a true story. They took... They took Steve Jenkins.

They adopted him.

Even though he was a baby, he was known as Steve.

Obviously not. Then, he was called Baby Steve.

-So this Chinese couple adopt Baby Steve...

-Stephen.

His full name, he's called Steve Jenkins.

And they don't change his name.

But they couldn't change his name, could they, cos he was...

They continue to call him Steve Jenkins.

But he was clearly an English baby.

They knew he was going to grow up looking western.

Was he the only Steve Jenkins in his school?

He was actually, yes.

I think we should concentrate more on my ability to cook

and less on my ability to understand the basic systems

of adopted children and taking them to China.

What was the hardest recipe to perfect?

The hardest one to perfect was definitely

the beef in oyster sauce, with chilli.

How would you go about cooking that?

Well, first of all, I will get my wok.

-Yes.

-Very bold of you.

-Yeah, so I get my wok down from my wok shelf.

-Yeah.

-Put it down.

-You've got a wok shelf?

-Wok shelf, yes.

-How many woks do you own?

-About seven.

-Seven woks!

How many woks have you got?

One.

-Well, that's why you haven't got a book out at Christmas, mate.

-Yeah.

So I light the burner like that, "Whoosh." That's the noise.

And I heat the oil, put the oil down,

peanut oil actually, don't use olive oil, peanut oil.

-So I put the peanut oil...

-Sounds delicious.

The trick with a wok is not to put the oil at the bottom

of the pan, it's to dribble it round the edge. You know, the same way

-as you do a Toilet Duck?

-Yeah.

All the way round the edge and watch it slightly go down.

And the publisher said, "Probably don't use that analogy."

So put it round the edge, let it all sink down to the bottom

like that, yeah. Give it a good spinning round like that.

And this is peanut oil, even though an increasing number of people

in Britain are allergic to peanuts.

-Absolutely, but I do...

-Doesn't bother you?

No, I make it very clear to those people on the front of the book.

I say, "If you have a peanut allergy, you are not welcome."

And I do that like that, throw it in, you flash fry it...

HE HISSES

I'm there.

HE CONTINUES TO HISS

You're throwing in three or four different ingredients,

there's different versions of it.

I'm going to go with the one with lots of greens,

lots of broccoli, lots of carrots, a few sesame seeds,

you're throwing it in. The thing is to feel the pan, feel it!

Become the pan, become one with the pan!

You flick it up like that, stir it round.

That's when you add the sauce, that's when you've got to add

the sauce, the oyster sauce, but it's home-made oyster sauce.

"How do you make home-made oyster sauce?"

I'll tell you exactly how you make home-made oyster - you get some

water from the tap, you soak your oysters in it.

Yes, you do use oysters.

You soak them for four weeks in water until the water goes black.

How does it go black? You get your squid ink, you squid ink it in,

you mix it up. Mash, down, in, get it really liquidy.

It's on the turn, but it's not gone off, you've got to get it

just on the turn you put it in, you whisk it round.

It's not hissing any more, cos that's stopped.

It's simmering away like that, it all settles down

and you pour it onto the pan like that.

9.99, the book's yours.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I want that.

David, what are you thinking?

It was very entertaining, but was it... Well, I say very.

Was it true?

No, no, it wasn't true.

Do you need a little time to discuss this with your team?

No, no, no.

Well, firstly, it wasn't true off the card to start with

because there's no way Lee would bring out that sort of book.

-Why?

-I've met him, it's evident.

But why? You don't know everything about me, David.

He then went on to make it less plausible by the fact that

your collaborator in this book is a man called Steve Jenkins,

who was adopted as a baby in this country, taken back to China...

-Not for long.

-No, for his whole childhood.

-No, no.

-He said they came back to Britain.

-Yeah, but when he was an adult.

-Oh, when he's an adult.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, otherwise he'd have been able

-to speak English now, wouldn't he?

-How did you write a book with a man

that only spoke Cantonese?

Well, we had an interpreter.

Chinese fella called Brian Smith.

I think you're incredible, man.

Blown me away.

Incredible as in not credible?

So we're saying it's a lie?

Well, the audience are on tenterhooks.

Lee, was it the truth?

See there's a slight part of me now thinking...

"I could actually bring this out."

It's a lie.

It's a lie, Lee hasn't written a cookbook called

Lee Mack's Wok Around The Clock.

BUZZER SOUNDS And that noise signals time is up,

it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team have won by four points to nil.

Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time, good night.