Episode 3 Would I Lie to You?

Tonight on Would I Lie To You? -

Stand-up, Jimmy Carr.

Word up, Terry Christian.

And their team captain, Lee Mack.

And facing them tonight - Birmingham beauty, Jamelia.

On comic duty, Marcus Brigstocke.

And their team captain, David Mitchell.

And here's your host, Rob Brydon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?

the show that prides itself on being a liar's paradise.

According to scientists, certain people are able to tell at a glance whether somebody is lying on not.

They call these individuals women.

The very first lie was told by Adam and Eve when they denied eating the apple in the Garden of Eden.

The cost of eating the apple, an existence of pain and mortality.

Still, slightly less than a Waitrose pack of four organic Pippins.

And so to Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists

each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they haven't seen the card, and so have no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sift the fact from the fiction.

Jimmy, you're first up.

Please reveal all.

"Prince Philip told me I was a funny-looking fellow when I was a ball boy at Wimbledon."

David's team.

What year was this?

I was about 12 or 13... '84, maybe. Something like that. Ages ago.

-How did you get into being a ball boy?

-How did I get into it?

I just psyched myself up. "I'm going to throw some balls today, yeah!"

"I love it, man!"

How does the system of selecting ball boys work?

I was in the tennis club in my local village, and I used to play tennis,

and there was a lottery and you could go along and two people from every club went along.

I thought they were from schools around the Wimbledon area. That's what I thought.

-Where were you at school, Jimmy?

-The Wimbledon area.

LAUGHTER

He's really foxed us there.

APPLAUSE

You were lined up, all the ball boys and ball girls.

Yeah, it was after the Women's Final. Everybody's lined up, like, hundreds of us.

Which final? Who had played?

It was years ago. Ivan Lendl kind of era.

He's unlikely to make the Women's Final.

JAMELIA: Who was Prince Philip there with?

The Duke and Duchess of Kent or something. I don't really know the Royals that well.

Usually the Duke and Duchess of Kent do all the Wimbledon stuff

rather than Prince Philip, who's got more important sporting events to go and be racist at.

I can believe you were a ball boy at Wimbledon,

but I just don't think Prince Philip often turns up to Wimbledon.

He does. He told me I was a funny-looking fellow when I was there.

-That's how I know that.

-That's the clincher, then.

MARCUS: Do you have any concept of what particular aspect

of your demeanour that he found funny-looking?

LEE: I can answer this.

In fact, we'll all have a go. We'll start with me and then go around like that.

What's funny about my massive head?

Do you think you frightened the Prince with your appearance?

He was actually really freaked out?

You know, that joke works if you don't do that.

AUDIENCE: Ahh!

I thought you could never look more like a ventriloquist's dummy.

Do that again!

You cheeky monkey! You'll go back in the box!

Right, David. What do you reckon? Is he telling the truth?

What do you think?

It could be true because of... his face. But...

I don't think you're ugly, I just think...

No, sorry! I just think that you have a very unique face.

Nobody will ever forget...

How am I getting bullied by Jamelia?

How did that happen?

So, David, what's your team deciding here?

I think it could be true.

I don't know. I don't trust you.

You're a funny-looking fellow.

MARCUS: See, that's the crucial detail.

I'm edging towards a lie.

You're saying it's a lie? OK.

-Jimmy Carr.

-I can tell you, it is...

A lie.

It's a lie.

Prince Philip didn't tell Jimmy he was a funny-looking fellow at Wimbledon. What a moment.

Perhaps the funniest man in Britain, known for his off-colour material, finally getting to meet Jimmy Carr.

Jamelia, you're next.

"I once stole some toilet paper from George Michael's house."

Lee?

Was it new or used?

Was it beside the bed on the floor crumpled up, or was it...from a roll?

I'm amazed he has toilet paper in his house, cos he's normally at the gents' in the park.

Yeah, it was in his house. In the toilet. Not IN the toilet, like, on the roll.

What were you doing at George's house?

-It was a party. I think it was his birthday.

-You think?

How blase are you? You think. What was the occasion?

-It was a party. What do you have parties for?

-I have parties for all sorts of reasons.

-Well, it was one of those reasons.

-All right, then.

Why did you steal the paper?

A memento.

How much did you steal, Jamelia? What sort of quantities are we talking about here?

-Just like a square.

-One square?

Then you did this. That's not a square.

That's an oblong.

The toilet paper squares are oblong. They're referred to as squares, but they're not perfect squares.

They're oblong. They're definitely longer than they are wide.

You're the only person in the world that's noticed that.

Everybody else just goes like that, like that. But not you.

"I say... Excuse me, darling, pass me the ruler.

"I think this is actually an oblong, not technically a square."

How long ago was it?

-A few years.

-Three, four years? Give us some figures.

About three or four years.

Oh, right. That's handy.

No further questions, your Honour. False.

If you're going to steal from George Michael's house,

you'd steal something a bit better than that.

DAVID: What do you want, to take a flat screen TV?

There's taking a memento and then there's just being a thief.

You're edging towards saying it's a lie, I suspect.

Me and Jimmy think it's a lie, but Terry, if you're gonna overrule us...

I'm going to disagree and that way I'll look great if you're wrong.

You won't look great.

Fair enough. Give them your brutal quipping, not me!

I'm on your team.

Right, Jamelia. You're going to have a bit of brutal quipping.

We'll say that's a lie, Jamelia.

So, Jamelia, they're saying it's a lie. Are you telling the truth?

It is...true.

It's true.

Jamelia did once steal some toilet paper from George Michael's house.

I bumped into George Michael in a toilet once.

We'd never met before, but he was very friendly.

Marcus, you're next.

Right.

"I worked as a podium dancer at the Ministry of Sound."

-You were a podium dancer at where, sorry?

-At the Ministry of Sound.

What does that involve?

Don't just say dancing. What did you have to wear, for example?

Usually we'd get a phone call and they'd let us know if there was any colour theme.

Then at certain points in the evening,

they would gather up those of us who were employed to do it

and put us on a podium to get the crowd going.

What sort of tunes were you dancing to?

This was early '90s, so, you know, early '90s house music.

Like what? Name one.

Hello.

-Erm...

-I can't help you here.

-No!

I think the nature of that kind of music was that they were

relatively indistinct tunes designed to create an atmosphere across the entire evening.

That's a stroke of luck, innit?

There is an easy way to tell if he's telling the truth, which is, would you like to show us?

-Not particularly.

-Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it. That's all I'm doing.

-There you go.

-Rubbish!

-I'm now a sort of moderately plump man in my mid-30s. It doesn't have quite the same impact.

-Oh, come on.

What do you mean, "moderately"?

-Where did they find you?

-Their own people just kind of talent spotted me.

They talent scouted you?

Marcus, it was a part-time job.

What other jobs were you doing at the time?

I was working on an oil rig.

Oh, get off!

I worked for nine months on an oil rig doing four weeks on, and in the two weeks off I'd go and do...

This is like your own private Flashdance.

It's in that area, yeah.

You were welding and then you were dancing!

Flashdance is based on your life!

What did the oil rig people, did you tell them what you were doing part-time?

-I used to practise on the rig.

-You did not!

In a way, an oil rig is just a massive podium.

Lee, what do you think? Is he telling the truth?

It's got a lot of YMCA qualities to it, to be honest.

# Duh, duh-duh... # Come on, boys!

Not only do I think this is true, I think this is

the most dignified and wonderful way for Marcus to come out on television.

It's so stupid, in a way, and unbelievable, that it could be true

as a double bluff, but a lie is a double bluff

and he's made it mad and he's thrown the oil rig thing in which might be true, to go with the lie.

-It's a lie.

-After three series we've done so far,

I've never asked someone and at the end of it had less information than when I started.

That's why you're the team captain and I'm on the end.

Now I'm being quipped again by you both.

You're like Radio Four panel show bullies. So I would say...

Radio Four? I've never been so happy in all my life!

-Do you really think that, Terence?

-Yes. I'm telling you, he's lying.

Did you not see the dance move? Did you not see his crazy...

I didn't believe any of this, but that was a move, wasn't it?

-What are you going to go for, Lee?

-We'll say it's true.

-OK, Marcus.

Is it truth or a lie?

It is in fact...true.

It's true. Marcus did work as a podium dancer at the Ministry of Sound.

The DJs got a lot of requests from clubbers at the Ministry,

mainly, "Can you get that big, posh bloke off the podium?

"He's putting me off my ecstasy."

Our next round is called The Ring of Truth,

in which I read out some amazing celebrity facts

and all our team have to do is decide whether they're true or not.

Lee's team, take a look at this.

This is my kinda town.

Riding the express elevator to

the top of one of the city's highest buildings,

this is the view that nearly took my breath away.

You know, it's an adventure to shop in this city.

150 market stalls display their goods,

whilst over them tense traffic pounds across the elevated inner ring road.

Yes, it's my kinda town.

So, so long, Birmingham. Here's lookin' at ya.

So here's the related fact, then, for Lee's team.

-A related fact? It's not that related, is it?

-It's Birmingham.

There are two Telly Savalases on her chest.

It looks like those stuck on ones, you know, that you can buy in the joke shop?

What's famous about Jodie Marsh is that hers were actually real.

She's had an ongoing spat with Jordan

over the fact that Jordan has had surgery and she hasn't.

I've met both of them.

Both tits?

I kinda had a quick, you know... You can't help looking, can you?

To be honest, Jodie Marsh strikes me as somebody who wouldn't particularly mind people looking.

It'd be a bit rich if she gets massively offended.

Turns up like that, somebody looks at her tits and she goes, "How dare you?

"Actually, I'm very skilled in golf course management.

"What do you have to do to get taken seriously as a woman these days?!"

Why would she do a course on golf course management?

Well, she plays golf.

Her love of the game comes from her grandfather, Jasper Marsh, who was actually a professional golfer.

The University of Birmingham.

Did it used to be a polytechnic, or did it used to be a 24-hour garage?

To be fair, I think the University of Birmingham is a proper one.

It's a proper university.

Jodie wrote her dissertation on the placement of bunkers on links courses.

-No she didn't!

-Come on, Rob, you're pushing your luck now!

-What are you going to say on this one?

-What do you think?

I can't imagine she's got a golf course management from the University of Birmingham.

I'm going to say it's a lie. But I think it might be true.

Terry's off again.

Either way, I'll end up being ridiculed by my own team.

What are you writing down there?

It's a letter to Points of View to complain about this show.

So you're saying it's a lie?

You say it's a lie. OK, well.

It's actually...a lie.

When we all agree, you see. When we all agree.

Jodie Marsh doesn't have a degree in Golf Course Management from the University of Birmingham.

Golf course management is a taxing degree.

You learn all about golf course design, upkeep, groundsmanship,

and then after lunch you get a certificate.

Which means at the end of that round, it's David's team in the lead with three points.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This Is Mine.

We bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine

connection to the guest.

It's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

Please welcome this week's special guest, Steve.

So, Terry. What's Steve to you?

This is my mate Steve.

We were actually questioned by police,

who mistook us both for jewel thieves.

That sounds incredibly plausible.

Lee, perhaps you'd like to explain how you know Steve?

This is Steve.

We own a greyhound together that has come last in every race.

And finally, Jimmy, what's your connection with Steve?

This is Steve, we were at primary school together,

didn't see each other for 20 years and then met up in a hotel when he brought me room service.

You call it room service!

David's team, where do you want to start?

You're all claiming to be friends with him. I want to see a real connection,

so if you can all give him a hug, I want to see if there is, you know...

You want to see if I hug this man like I own a greyhound with him?

No, no. If he's your friend, if you own something with him...

This is how we hug. We go like this, usually.

"Hey, how are you, little fella?

"Get off! I'm trying to get off with him here."

That's how we hug.

Leave my mate alone. Aye up, mate, how you doing?

Can you just turn around?

Which hotel was this, Jimmy?

-It was the Lowry in Manchester.

-That is a hotel in Manchester.

He's the night duty manager there.

He knew you were staying in the hotel and brought your room service up in order to renew your acquaintance?

Yes, and I recognised him immediately.

Did you go, "Oh, my God, Steve, how are you?"

He really hasn't changed that much.

Have you remained friends with him since?

Yeah, I stay in the same hotel quite a lot.

So you only see him when you go to the hotel?

But that's fine. He lives in Manchester, I live in London, so...

-He's not your friend, then.

-What do you want me to do, take him to the zoo?

-So, Lee, what's the name of the greyhound?

-It's called Ballyregan.

And how many times has Ballyregan raced?

-Six times.

-And has always come last?

Always come absolutely last. We've put him in at too high a grade.

Where has Ballyregan raced?

-Wimbledon.

-So where does he live?

Wimbledon! Most of the dogs that run at Wimbledon are trained in Wimbledon.

So he lives at, what, a kennels?

No, he lives at the Trust House 40. Where do you think he lives?

Dog tracks have adjacent kennels? And Ballyregan lives in the adjacent kennels.

-The trainers live around dog tracks.

-You're in trouble now.

David and dog racing. He knows everything about it.

Listen, if there's one thing I'm always gonna beat David at, it's dog racing.

I'm often down at Walthamstow with my Woodbine.

IMITATES DAVID: Run, you little bastard, or I'll shoot you!

IMITATES DAVID: Where are the pheasants? There's no bloody pheasants.

I don't understand. We'll never catch the fox at this rate.

What are you talking about? Pheasants? Dogs? Fox?

What sort of a menagerie do you imagine I'd be imagining?!

I'm in my castle with ten different sorts of vaguely posh animal,

all fighting each other, then I kill a servant and have sex with the wall!

Yes, that's who you are!

Right, how much does it cost to kennel Ballyregan?

-It costs £35 a week.

-So why do you share him? Is it the credit crunch?

-Because it was Steve's idea.

-So, Terry, how did you get to know Steve?

Just being out and about, drinking and what have you.

So you met him in a pub? He was a stranger in a pub, you got talking.

You're right. Out and about.

Out and about? And you meet people?

You're out and about on a friend-finding mission.

"Will you be my friend? Yes."

Can you tell us the actual situation. Why did the police think you were jewel thieves?

They just thought we were sort of dressed like the description...

Stripy top, hat, bag?

It was in the city centre and we were walking down the road.

Next thing you know, these four police cars pull up.

Hang on. City centre, Manchester. Pedestrianised, mate.

IN MANCUNIAN ACCENT: You should know that.

Did they pull up in police trams?

We were walking down this road in the city centre,

right, and four police cars pulled up...

-Got out, walked...

-They got out...

-..about three miles.

They just said that we fitted the description

of these guys who had just carried out a robbery on a jeweller's.

Right, we need an answer.

So, David's team.

Is Steve Terry's partner in crime, Lee's partner in a dog,

or Jimmy's primary school pal?

OK, can I rule Terry out at this stage?

I'm happy to rule Terry out.

And I do think Steve looks too well-groomed to be from Manchester.

Jamelia, everyone! Come on.

Another thing, Lee,

you're way too successful to have bought half a dog.

-You'd just buy your own greyhound. I think it's Jimmy.

-You think it's Jimmy?

-I think it's greyhound.

-I think I'm edging towards Jimmy.

I think Jimmy looked a little bit put upon when you were

sort of having a go at essentially what a bad friend he is.

"It's all very well, for a quick sandwich in a hotel bar,

"But, you know, I've got gigs and stuff. Steve, isn't it?

"Yeah, catch you next time I'm passing through town."

So, David, time to decide.

I think we'll go with the majority decision. We think it's Jimmy.

OK. Well, Steve,

would you like to reveal your true identity?

Yeah, the truth is me and Terry were mistaken as jewel thieves.

Yes. Steve is Terry's mate.

They were questioned by the police, who mistook them for jewel thieves.

Was it a pedestrianised area?

No, it was in Derby, actually, not Manchester.

You liar!

No, I just said a city centre. He said Manchester.

Thank you very much, Steve.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, in which

panellists lie not only through their teeth, but against the clock.

The scores are tied, so there's everything to play for,

and we start with...

BUZZER

..David.

"I read 1984 from cover to cover in WHSmith,

"so I didn't have to buy a copy."

Lee, do you believe that?

-When was this?

-It was, I'd say, 1992.

So, eight years after it came out.

Did you knock on the door at 8.30 as they opened,

and you were in there till five, "Oh, this is good"?

-Or did you pop in and read a bit at a time?

-I read it in a series of lunchtimes.

Did you find that later in the afternoon you were really, really hungry?

-I grabbed a sandwich, as well.

-Oh, you were eating and turning at the same time?

No, no, no. You can't eat sandwiches in WHSmith's, you barbarian!

What was the name of Winston's girlfriend in 1984?

It's Julia, as in, "Do it to Julia," isn't it? Yes. I think.

What were you doing for a living in 1992?

I was working in a publisher's.

-Was it really badly paid?

-It was quite badly paid, but I dare say

-I could have stretched to a copy, actually.

-Why didn't you?

-Because I quite liked...

-You liked the danger!

"I'm living on the edge, sweetheart! I'm nipping into WHSmith's and I ain't paying for it!"

It technically is a type of shoplifting, but with intellectual property.

You're stealing thoughts.

It's very 1984 in and of itself.

-I like it.

-Thank you.

I don't know. What do we think?

Well, in 1992, I was having it large, he was podium dancing...

and he was reading bleedin' books in his lunchtime. He's weird enough to have done it.

Let me ask you a question. What were you having that was so large?

-Everything.

-Chips, milkshake, the lot.

-So, Lee. Time for a guess.

-True.

-You're saying true. You're saying it's a lie.

-Lie.

Who do I trust the most?

Well, it's not going to be a jewel thief from Manchester who happened to get off.

I wasn't a jewel thief, was I?

Yeah, definitely stick to that story.

-I'll go with Terry and say that's a lie.

-You're going to say it's a lie?

David, is it a lie or were you telling the truth?

It is a lie.

It was a lie.

Of course, the novel 1984 is where the term "Big Brother" comes from.

The protagonist, Winston Smith, tries to overthrow a fascist regime

by sitting in a room with Ulrika and the little one from Austin Powers.

Next.

BUZZER

Ooh! Terry Christian.

"Possession."

OK, there's a box under the desk.

If you'd like to bring it up and read out the card therein.

"This is some of my hair collection...

"..that I've gathered from guests who appeared on The Word."

Rod Hull and Emu.

MC Hammer.

And Kurt Cobain's hair.

All right. There we are.

Where did you manage to get this hair from?

I'd ask the make-up women to take it off the brush.

So they were brushing Emu?

Emu, he just, he kinda sheds.

Would you mind if I had a look?

I'd quite like to see some of MC Hammer's little curlies in a Regal packet.

That phrase has never been said in the history of mankind!

-Be careful, cos there's only...

-What are you smelling it for?

-It smells like heroin!

That's, that's never Rod Hull's hair.

Look at that. That's not even real hair.

Look at MC Hammer's in a little baggy.

Oi! Don't open it!

That's never MC Hammer's hair. I'm telling you.

Have a look at that. That's not MC Hammer's hair.

-I know MC Hammer's hair.

-This is like a really low budget CSI.

DAVID: It's little pot...

Now it's turned into Antiques Roadshow.

Which I could see you on, actually, David.

I'd have that insured for two, maybe three pence.

What are you going to plump for?

You know the thing that's most convincing is that this is definitely an old cigarette packet.

-It's a big, hairy lie.

-But now he's doing that smile.

I hate this game!

-I think we're going to say a lie, aren't we?

-I'll agree.

You're saying it's a lie. OK. Terry, is it truth or is it a lie?

Get yer hair, baby. Lie!

BUZZER

That's it.

That noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that David's team have four points,

but Lee's team have romped to victory with six points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game.

My individual liar of the week this week is Terry Christian.

Terry, you can put the award on your award shelf,

or as it's currently known, your shelf. Good night.

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