Episode 4 Would I Lie to You?

Tonight on Would I Lie To You? strictly a lady Claudia Winkleman,

chips and gravy Jason Manford,

and their team captain David Mitchell.

And facing them tonight, she's a comedy character, Miranda Hart.

He used to be a barrister, Clive Anderson.

And their team captain, Lee Mack.

And here's your host, Rob Brydon.

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?

the show where bare-faced lying is actively encouraged.

Experts say that if you suspect your spouse is lying, you should keep a diary

of what they claim they've been doing.

Or you can turn a blind eye, and that way you get to keep the house

and still see your children.

And it's claimed women in their 30s are the most likely to lie on their CVs.

Or as they call themselves on their CVs, women in their late 20s.

And so to round one, Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before. So, they have no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort out the truth from the lies.

And Claudia is first up.

OK.

Oh!

I, um...

LAUGHTER

Good. I once put nail-polish remover in my fish tank to give my goldfish more energy.

Lee's team, quiz her relentlessly.

-When was this?

-I was small. I was five, six when I had goldfish.

They were lovely sweet things.

-What happened to the goldfish?

-They were fine.

-They survived?

-Yes. I didn't put the whole bottle in. I just put a tiny...

Just like a little bit,

just to give them a bit more pizzazz.

I should say at this point to people who might be watching at home or just in Dixons's window,

that we don't encourage interfering with fish

in any way.

How many goldfish did you have?

-I had two.

-Two goldfish. What were they called?

Rabbit and Cat.

What was your rabbit and your cat called?

Was your cat called Dog?

-No, no, no.

-Was your mum called Dad?

-I was, I was... ha!

My mum was. Why did you think it would give them energy?

Because I just thought... I thought they were looking a bit sleepy.

And they were never really doing enough hoo-ha.

So I put in a bridge, and what you want them to do is play hide and seek. And hide under the bridge

and them come up. And go weave through the, the, the green...

the pond life, the water, the plants.

-Yes.

-Do you think David Attenborough's job is threatened by you?

The point is, is when you put... when you buy freshly cut flowers,

they often say put in an aspirin or some nail-polish remover.

-And it'll just make them tssh for longer.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've never heard that.

-I've heard aspirin but not...

-Why would you give aspirin to flowers?

-They've got a headache.

-It's their, it's their feet that are hurting, surely?

When you see a bunch of flowers, you think they're silently going, "My feet hurt! Ow, my feet hurt!"

She said "Where the hell are my feet? My ankles are killing."

As you'd know if you were an amputee, you can still get an itch in the bit of you that's been cut off.

You'll to have to work in your catch phrases, David.

You've heard the story.

I know what I think.

I can't share that with you because I have to remain impartial.

We've never asked Rob this. But what do you think, Rob?

I think Claudia needs 24-hour care.

Anyway, to return to what we were concerned with a moment earlier...

I can imagine a child doing something like that. I can't believe it would work, would it?

-Drive them to distraction. Probably flapping around in a big craze.

-It did work, then!

It did work. It did have more energy. They were going, "I'm dying, I'm dying!"

-So, what we going for, Clive?

-Well, I think it's a lie.

-What do you think?

-It's a lie.

-Well, then I'll go with my team and say that it's a lie.

-You're saying it's a lie. OK, Claudia Winkleman.

-Yes.

-True or false? Truth or lie.

It is in fact a true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was true all along.

Claudia did once put nail-polish remover in her fish tank to give her goldfish more energy.

That was the last time in her life that Claudia Winkleman wasted a single drop of make-up.

To Clive, you're next.

Right. I once had my wallet stolen by a walrus.

LAUGHTER

Where, where... What's the context?

The context? It's not that long ago actually. I was in Greenland making a radio programme

to look at Inuit ways of dealing with criminal justice.

-And what was the walrus...

-Doing?

-Why was he involved, this walrus?

There was a sort of... I couldn't really call it a zoo.

More a menagerie by the sea with a variety of animals there.

And there was a sort of tame-ish walrus there.

I had my wallet in my hand because I'd actually for once paid for something on a trip for the BBC.

This will be implausible, obviously. I put it down and it picked it up

as though it was going to eat it. and then dived in the water. And we never got the wallet back, so...

Wait, wait, wait. I have many questions. What were you buying in this menagerie?

You've got your wallet out to, what?

Wait... this was just to get in. I'd taken my wallet out to pay for...

So, the walrus is right by the entrance?

I still had the wallet in my hand...

-That's crazy.

-Did you have to ring the card company to say "I've had me, I've had me...

"Have they been stolen or lost?" "Well, sort of stolen, but it was a walrus."

-Yes, yes.

-"So, if there's any...

"if there's any sort of transactions on it, they'll probably all be under sea."

This may be a scam, for all I know, that they then dive down afterwards and, and Greenlander theft.

Identify theft, that's what you're worried about? A walrus just walking about... Do you remember me?

How did it take it? I mean, what bit?

It was a sort of tame walrus and it sort of...

-Could you, could you play me? Could you play...

-OK, Clive, what do you want me to do?

-Do you want me to be you?

-I think it's a very valuable re-enactment.

-Right, I'll be you.

-You're just holding the wallet.

-It went, and knocked it and grabbed it and then went into the water.

-Knocked it and then grabbed it?

-Flicked it out of your hand?

-This is what I recall happening.

And did you get... were you very badly splashed? Were you very grumpy about it? Or did you...

-I was certainly grumpy about it.

-I'll play you being grumpy.

-Yeah, re-enact.

-Oh!

LAUGHTER

David's team, what do you think?

Claudia? I can sense you're sceptical.

When you pay for something you put your wallet back.

You don't wander around a menagerie holding your wallet like some sort of ice cream cone.

-I think it's got to be a lie.

-And Jason?

-I think it's a lie.

-I think it's a lie.

-So, you're going to say it's a lie?

-We're going to say it's a lie.

-Saying it's a lie. OK, Clive?

Ha! Ha! Ha! It's a lie.

Damn.

Yes, it's a lie. Clive didn't once have his wallet stolen by a walrus.

I once made love to a walrus, Barry White.

Always gets me in the mood.

Miranda is up next. Miranda, reveal all.

One of my best friends at school was a little man I'd made from a slice of toast

that I always kept in my bag.

LAUGHTER

-OK.

-Yes, true.

Next question.

-What was his name?

-Tim.

-Tim Toast?

-Tim the toast man.

How did you make him?

I cut him. I cut actually cut...

I actually figured him myself.

Scissors or a knife?

-Scissors.

-Scissors. So, you got a piece of toast... brown or white? Good question.

-Brown.

-Brown toast.

-Was he buttered?

-No, he wasn't buttered. That would be stupid, David.

You make yourself a piece of toast. You butter it unthinkingly

before it's, "Oh, no, that was the one I was to cut out and make a friend out of.

"Now unfortunately I've buttered my friend. But now my friend will be more buttery, which is good."

The fats in the butter would help preserve the friend from the mould which would otherwise develop.

Which is going to be the central part of my next question.

How long did Tim last before he rotted?

And what did you feel when you saw Tim, who you'd created, rotting?

I stopped listening about ten minutes ago. What are you asking me?

I'm asking what happened about the rotting of Tim.

-I don't remember a rotting.

-How old were you when you made Tim?

-Seven. Seven or eight.

And how old were you when you stopped being interested in Tim?

29.

-What did he do, Tim?

-Did you never have an imaginary friend, who was just...

This wasn't an imaginary friend. This was a friend that happens to made out of piece of toast.

Did you make him, you know, in your own image?

I do remember designing big legs.

Because I wanted him to be a fast runner like what I was.

Where did Tim sleep?

In the toaster.

LAUGHTER

Goodnight, Tim.

Morning!

All right then, David's team, I think you've heard enough.

-What do you think, Claudia?

-I think it's true.

I'd be very happy to make a small piece-of-toast friend.

-I think true.

-I'm, I'm... I don't know.

So, I'm happy to go with true, yes.

-You're saying it's true?

-We're saying it's true.

-OK, Miranda.

-Is it true or is it a lie?

-It is in fact a...

Well, done. It was a lie all along.

One of Miranda's best friends at school was not a little man that she'd made from a slice of toast.

Well, it makes sense now.

A little man who lives in a woman's handbag is both the plot of a charming children's story

and grounds for committal to a psychiatric institution.

Our next round is called The Ring Of Truth, in which I read out amazing celebrity facts.

And all our teams have to do is decide whether they're true or not.

What could be simpler?

Lee, take a look at this.

-Have you ever met Jodie Marsh?

-Yeah, I met her at a book signing.

And that's clever... she wrote her own book.

What do you want to do in life?

I'd like to be like just like the next Jodie Marsh, and be like famous and that.

And then when I've got too old to do that, I'd like to be a writer.

I like writing. I've already started writing my autobiography.

I know I'm dead young, but I'm just carrying on.

-What is your book called?

-It's called Ups, Downs And Wishes.

-Why?

-Because it's got like all the ups in my life and all the downs and all the wishes.

Is the premise of that show that the people interviewed are too boring to be interviewed by humans?

They have to use a computer, because a human interviewing them would die of boredom.

Is she not your type?

All right, here's the... here's the related fact, then, for Lee's team.

Now, is that true?

What would Nelson Mandela do with a colouring book?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Bit old for it.

-He's more likely to give him a football or a shirt though, wouldn't he?

Or something like that?

-Or a pair of boots?

-But he's 90. What's he going to do with the boots or the football?

Do you do David Beckham? Can you do his voice?

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-I can do that sort of thing, yeah. Like that.

-Could you do it, then? Could you do it now?

-I'm doing it...

LAUGHTER

For Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday in 2008 David Beckham sent this message.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Mr Mandela...

I'll do it nicely. I'll do it as Sean Connery.

Do it as Ronnie Corbett or Terry Wogan.

-I'm joking.

-Ronnie Corbett.

-Terry Wogan. Do Frank Spencer.

The message went like this.

Rob, I think you... Probably safest, tell us first who it is, you know.

And then we'll know.

I'm not going to say who it is.

I'll just say he's a bit of a tit, OK? And then you go with it.

-IMITATES DAVID MITCHELL:

-Mr Mandela, happy 90th birthday.

Sorry I can't be with you, but I'm sure you'll have an amazing day.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

-Lee's team, what's your guess?

-I think it's not true.

I think he gave him something else.

But I, I don't know why I say that.

I, I reckon that's true.

Truth, lie. I'm going to say true.

-You're saying it's true.

-You're gripping...

you're gripping the desk man, for goodness sake! It's a panel game.

-It's all right.

-That's not the desk.

You're saying true. Yes, it is true.

David Beckham did give a copy of his own autobiography to Nelson Mandela as a Christmas present.

As if the man hadn't suffered enough.

Not so much a long walk to a freedom.

More a short walk to the bin.

So, at the end of that round, David's team have two points and Lee's team have two points.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest

And it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Owen.

So, Miranda Hart, what is Owen to you?

-This is Owen and he stopped me attending his yoga classes because I couldn't stop laughing.

-Right.

Lee?

This is Owen. He's a professional juggler and he's teaching me to juggle.

And, Clive, how do you know Owen?

He is my builder and in fact he was working on my roof once and fell through it, while I was watching television.

-Oh, my word! All right. David, where do you want to start?

-Right, Clive. What was on TV?

I'm afraid to say it was Richard And Judy. And this is what made it embarrassing.

It was daytime telly. Owen I've known for quite a while. He's done a lot of building work for me.

He used to make fun of the fact that sometimes I was at home.

I would explain that I was working. Sometimes the television would be on.

I'd have to explain, "I'm researching something."

So, as he came through the ceiling you shouted, "There's an item on Inuit justice coming on the telly!"

-And what was he doing on your roof?

-My roof is a nightmare.

So, I've had endless time with builders on the roof, including Owen.

-First his father.

-He fell through.

No, no, no.

And his father before him and his father before him.

He was pulling up the lead or the zinc that forms the valley gutter

and was standing on the slates and unfortunately that created a hole

and his legs came through and then eventually brought down the whole ceiling.

-OK. Lee, Lee.

-Yes.

-So, you're looking to develop more showbiz skills?

-Correct.

What made you think juggling?

My four-year-old son went to a children's party and said, "I saw a juggler today.

"I wish you could juggle, Daddy."

And I looked into that little boy's eyes...

..and I... I said, "Son."

I said, "Son, if you want to see your old daddy juggling," you know.

-How many lessons have you had?

-I look over at Rob and I see that he's got balls on his desk.

And I would... thank you.

Oh, four? What about the seven clubs? Why don't I do that, Rob?

-I've had two lessons.

-Surely you want to get Owen to do the juggling?

-Him? He's a builder.

I've only had two lessons so I'm just learning the basics as the moment.

I admit I'm only throwing two.

He's not a very good teacher.

We've learnt absolutely nothing from that

because if Lee did know how to juggle he would not now be juggling as well as he could.

-Good point.

-Yeah, so.

-So, what about Miranda's claim?

-OK.

-What's so funny about yoga?

-A couple had joined our class.

And they just got engaged and they wanted to tone pre-wedding.

And they were very earnest. And that's when it started going wrong because they...

-They were what made me laugh a lot.

-What was it that they did that was...

Well, the first thing was that when they did positions, they looked into each other's eyes quite earnestly.

And I found that very funny.

And then another time... Oh, we were doing the sun salutations...

I don't know if you're aware of yoga.

And Owen said, "And into downward dog," which was always amusing anyway.

And the woman did the biggest fart.

I would have got myself together I think there.

But the fiance, he said very earnestly,

"And there she blows."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

OK, we need an answer.

So, David's team, is Owen Miranda's ex-yoga teacher,

Lee's juggling coach or Clive's tumbling tradesman?

I don't believe that Lee would just have juggling lessons just so he could look his son in the eye.

I believe... completely believe about Clive's roof.

Is there many male yoga teachers? It seems a little bit of girl... like a girl's job.

It's like the first time you've ever been out of the North.

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-Is there such a thing? Because it sounds to me like homosexuals.

Do you know what? You always do this when I'm on this show.

-You're from the North.

-I thought I was from the North till I met you.

LAUGHTER

OK. I do need an answer, chaps.

-Well, shall we go with Clive, then?

-I think so.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-So, you think that it's Clive's roofer, Owen. Would you like to reveal your true identity?

I am actually a professional juggler and I've been teaching Lee.

Fooled you, Mitchell. Look at these go. Look at these babies.

Here's the full shower, like that. There's the big finish.

Look at that.

What about the kid, the kid's side of thing?

My kid genuinely went to a birthday party and came home and said, "I saw a juggler.

-"It was the best thing I've ever seen and I wish you could do juggling, Daddy."

-Oh!

That's the kind of man I am, girls. So, if anyone's up for it...

-I've blown it, haven't it?

-When you hear things like that, it just adds to the mystery

of why the social services took him away, doesn't it?

Yes, Owen is teaching Lee to juggle. Thank you very much, Owen.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,

in which our panel is lying not only through their teeth but of course against the clock. Starting with...

It's you, David.

I was thrown out of a nightclub for refusing to stop dancing on a table.

-There we are.

-What was the name of the nightclub?

It was called Sindy's.

-This has taken on a whole new...

-What sort of a...

David couldn't think of a name and went, "Think of your dolls." Sindy's!

-Why were you on the table? What was the occasion?

-There was just a group of us went to this nightclub,

you know, on a Saturday night I think. And got very pissed.

When they said, "Please stop," what did you say back?

Hammer Time!

And then he carried on.

I think I was sort of, if you imagine this, in a slightly drunken state of self-righteousness.

And I sort of thought I wasn't doing any harm.

-What, what kind of music were you into then?

-You know, whatever was on.

What? A quite fast foxtrot?

"This is going at some speed. I'm getting on the table."

-No, it was... It was you know pop music, where they play...

-Pop music?

-The expression...

-Something from the hit parade?

No, no, no, no, no. The expression "pop music" is totally legitimate.

It is not in the same category as talking about the hit parade.

You can say pop music without turning to tweed.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

-Lee, it's time to reach a decision.

-Miranda, what is our decision?

Well, I've seen David drunk many times, but I've never seen him dance before.

-You think it's a lie?

-I think it's a lie.

-It so has to be a lie.

-It's got to be a lie.

I, I thought it was a lie when he said, "Once in a nightclub..." I, I... my shutters went down.

You're saying it's a lie. David, is it the truth or is it a lie?

It is a lie.

-Next it's Jason.

-All right.

I once put out a fire using my neighbour's milk.

Lee's team,

-is that possible?

-Was it a... was it a very small fire?

It was, it was, you know, a fire. Say, say for example that desk was on fire. It was about the big.

And it wasn't just one neighbour's. It was about 15 neighbours'.

-15 neighbours?

-15 neighbours? What time of day was this?

In the morning, when the milk came.

-All of your neighbours were up early enough to bring the milk in?

-It was a Saturday.

It was a Saturday, you're having a lie in.

And you get double milk because of the Sunday, you know.

So, what was on fire, please?

On like a... On like a field there was like some dried grass.

So, it's a bonfire, then?

No, it just sort of... we just thought, "Oh, look at that dried grass. Let's set it on fire."

And you know that's what you do when you're 25.

-I think we were about eight or nine.

-But basically you're an arsonist. You started the fire.

-Yes.

And then stole some milk in order to put it out, when it could have just burnt out quite happily on it's own.

-There was no need really to pour...

-Yeah, but at eight, I mean, I've not got this knowledge of fire.

-I'd seen three episodes of London's Burning. I don't know how it works.

-I'm not sure that adds up, Jason.

-How long's London's Burning been on?

-You can believe him. He's seen London's Burning.

I'm not sure London's Burning the programme was on...

-So, you are disputing when London's Burning first came onto our screens?

-Yes.

Right. Jason was born in 1981.

So, he is alleging that by 1989 London's Burning was already on television. I believe him.

1981?

1981? He looks like me uncle.

-Anyway, can we get back to the story that we're...

-Yes.

-Yes.

-How far did you have to go to get the milk?

I was a kid. I didn't measure it. I mean, about 12 and half metres.

-About 12 and a half metres?

-12 and half metres.

Why didn't you just knock at the door and say "The field's on fire?"

-That would be admitting...

-Yeah.

-..there was a fire. Whereas in this instance the only thing that happened

was a milkman got sacked for not delivering milk.

Just to clarify, before we say our decision, how many bottles of milk to put out the fire?

-15, I think.

-Ah, 15.

-15, 10.

-Well, I'll tell you about your earlier answer which was 15 houses.

And on a Saturday they got double milk.

He's very fair minded.

He took one pint from each house.

What are you going to say, Lee? What are you going for?

-I don't know now.

-The whole answer is delivered in such an implausible and frankly guilty sounding way.

What do you think, Miranda?

I think it's a truth.

Jason, where were you... where were you brought up?

-Manchester.

-I was brought up round Manchester and I can imagine you saying, "Let's go in there

"and set fire to a field." Believable. The bit where you go, "Oh, no, that's a bit big.

"Better put it out with some milk and be good citizens," doesn't really add up.

-So, what are you going to plump for?

-You're saying the truth?

-Truth.

-You're saying a lie?

-Yeah.

-I'll go with Miranda and say we think that's the truth.

You're saying it's the truth. OK. So, Jason, is it the truth?

It is a true.

Next, Claudia Winkleman.

Ah! Oh, possession.

-There's a box just behind the stage there, Claudia, if you'd like to get it.

-Bear with me.

-Take out its contents.

-OK. In here is my pet cat

from when I was little. And my dad had her stuffed for me when she died.

Here she is.

Want to just pop her on the desk there, Claudia.

Was she run over?

Did you want your father to stuff your cat?

No, but I was so devastated and so upset that she died.

So, my dad as a present gave her to me all stuffed. And she came to my wedding.

Sorry, sorry. Came to your wedding?

I think, Lee, not of her own accord.

Was she a bridesmaid and came down on a trolley down the aisle?

Can you just remind us again how your poor little cat died?

Yes. Well, she got sick.

And were you pleased with this dead cat?

I was very pleased because she's sort of lucky.

-Like if you're anyone near her...

-She's lucky?

I would hate to see what happened to the unlucky one.

-What are we saying?

-I want this to be true because it'll be funnier... it will be funnier if it is.

I just don't, I just don't believe Claudia...

even in Claudia's world...

-which I, which I love. However, this is a step too far. I just don't believe.

-Miaow.

That's pretty convincing(!)

What the hell? She looks like a very lovely but slightly unstable woman

-and I am going to say that that's true.

-You're saying it's true. OK, Claudia, is it true or is it a lie?

-It is indeed a lie. I hate cats!

-Oh, what a shame.

It's a lie.

It's not Claudia's pet cat that was stuffed when it died.

I considered having my own cat stuffed.

But I prefer to remember him peacefully attached to the grille of that Hyundai as it sped away.

It's what he would have wanted.

BUZZER

That noise signals time's up. It's the end of the show and I can reveal David's team have three points.

But Lee's team have romped to victory with seven.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Of course, it's not just a team game.

And my individual liar of the week is Claudia Winkleman.

Yes, it goes to show being as mad as a bag full of chimps had to come in handy sooner or later. Goodnight.

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