Episode 5 Would I Lie to You?

'Tonight on Would I Lie To You, always a fun show, it's Frankie Boyle.

'Hot from The One Show, it's Christine Bleakley.

'And their team captain, Lee Mack.

'And facing them tonight, he edited The Sun, it's Kelvin MacKenzie.

'He lives with his mum, comedian Jack Whitehall.

And their team captain, David Mitchell.

'And here's your host, Rob Brydon!'

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show where liars always prosper.

A recent survey revealed that one of the most common lies is, "How nice to see you,"

as in the sentence, "How nice to see you, Lee."

Another really common lie is, "Sorry to bother you,"

as in, "Sorry to bother you, Rob." "No. Come in, Lee.

"How nice to see you(!)"

And last year, a British couple divorced

after the husband lied about a relationship with a girl in cyberspace.

I met a girl in cyberspace, Glitterbabe22, and we started chatting,

eventually ended up having cybersex.

It turns out we had a lot in common in real life.

I was the host of Would I Lie To You? And she was a team captain on Would I Lie To You?

And so to round one, Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sift the fact from the fiction, and Christine is first.

Christine, please reveal all.

OK.

Anton Du Beke and I danced our way out of a parking ticket.

There we are. David's team, what do you think?

So a traffic warden was about to give you a parking ticket

and you did a dance for him or her, and he said, "All right.

"I'll let you off." Is that it?

That's the gist of the story.

-Whereabouts?

-It was outside Harvey Nichols.

-But you can't park outside Harvey Nichols.

-She got a ticket!

I love you!

It won't take long.

-So whose car was it?

-It was in his car. Well, he has a driver.

Oh, right. So his chauffeur.

-Did he join in with the dance, the chauffeur?

-No, no, he didn't.

-What kind of dance was it?

It was a little bit of a foxtrot.

He's a ballroom guy, you see. And waltz was my best dance on Strictly, so it was a bit of ballroom.

-Does Anton Du Beke try to dance his way out of every traffic violation?

-I would say probably!

Was it an Italian traffic warden who watched what you were doing and went,

"You were fast. You were furious. You're back, you're forward, you're up!"

I'm doing Bruno Tonioli from Strictly Come Dancing.

-I think you look a bit like the gentleman in question, don't you?

-The traffic warden?

-No.

-No. You look like Anton Du Beke.

-It has been commented on.

-Why don't you demonstrate with Rob how the dance went?

-Go on.

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, all right, then.

It's like this.

It certainly is now!

-I've got to get quite close to you.

-Go as close as you like.

-We have to touch bodies, OK?

-Oh, something's touching.

Can I just say, that's...that's my phone.

A little bit of this, I have to stick my head...

-You go the other way. That's it.

-No, I do not!

There was a little bit of this, a little bit of waltzing,

but it involves moving your feet, a little bit like that, but not quite.

Well done!

Superb!

Now what do you reckon, then,

-David? What do you think?

-Kelvin.

I don't believe a word of it.

I don't believe that there is a generous-spirited traffic warden anywhere in the world.

-Dan, what do you think?

-I think he's telling the truth

because I know when she's being dishonest because I watch The One Show every day,

and I've seen your face laughing at Adrian Chiles's jokes.

I think she's telling the truth.

-You think she's telling the truth, and you think she's lying.

-I do.

My instinct is I think it's a lie.

You think it's a lie. OK. Christine, is it the truth, or is it a lie?

It is in fact...a lie.

I did well! Didn't I do well?

It's a lie! Christine and Anton Du Beke did not dance their way out of a parking ticket.

I mean, no-one who saw Christine dance would believe that!

If anything, they'd probably increase the fine.

Jack, you're next.

Every Christmas, my dad makes the whole family stand up to watch the Queen's Speech.

-Lee's team, what do you think?

-How many is in your family?

There's, uh, two brothers and sisters and then two parents.

-You look like you're lying about that.

-No, just trying to remember.

So he makes the you all stand for the Queen's Speech? Not just the National Anthem at the beginning,

-the actual...

-The whole speech. So when it goes on, we're all, "Go on. Hurry up, old woman."

"Old woman," he doesn't like us referring to her as that either.

-Right.

-Is that the only thing on Christmas Day that's got some sort of physical challenge element to it?

Or do you have to hop throughout Indiana Jones?

-There's just the standing for the Queen's Speech.

-But why would that be?

He's quite old-fashioned. He's living in a kind of like time warp.

He's quite an old dad, and he's one of those people,

like, he'll buy Spam and sit in the cellar because he misses the blitz.

He's like, he still thinks he's living in a bygone era.

How old is he, Jack?

-He's 69 today, actually.

-How old are you?

-20.

So basically, if you're 20 and your dad's 69,

at the point that he conceived you, he must have thought,

"There is a significant risk that this will kill me."

Are you allowed to speak during the speech at all, or is it very much, this is 15 minutes of silence?

-Did you say 50 minutes of silence? Is that the director's cut?

-15.

It's actually, it's ten at most, and they pad it out with music and handshaking.

In terms of actual facts she's conveying,

it's still five-and-a-half minutes, if you ask me. And she talks slowly.

She's bad at it. It's a shit programme!

Did you see when the Queen met Obama? And it was amazing.

You saw her face thinking, "Please don't talk to my husband."

Obama said about the Queen that he thought that she was surprisingly knowledgeable about politics,

and she was clearly thinking, "Nelson Mandela's looking well!"

So, Lee, what are you thinking?

-What do you think, Frankie?

-It sort of depends on how posh we think he is.

I think Jack is quite posh.

He is quite posh, isn't he?

He sounds like a Korean man begging for help after a traffic accident.

He's got that almost incomprehensible poshness about him.

Sorry. Is that what conjures up poshness to you, more than anything else?

An injured Korean, that sounds to you incredibly posh?

To be honest, I can't understand a word you're saying.

Do you, Jack, do you get to a point where you're so posh that you do without hairbrushes?

I file my debts...

Those protest things where they go on the marches and stuff,

the only one I've ever been on was fox-hunting,

and there were people going around saying, "This is a real cause,

"and there are more names on the pro-fox-hunting petition than there are on the anti one."

I thought, "Yeah, because most people that sign it have triple-barrelled surnames."

Foxes are a great way to tell class, aren't they?

Because if you see a fox in your back garden, if you're upper class, you get on a horse and chase it.

If you're a middle-class person, you get your children to do a picture of it, maybe send it to Blue Peter.

And if you're working class, you beat it to death with a shovel and use it to make soup.

-So, Lee, it's time to come down on one side or the other.

-So what do we think?

-Is he telling the truth?

-I think yeah, he's probably telling the truth.

-Do you think?

-Yeah.

Mmm. I think he's posh enough to be telling the truth.

-We think he's telling the truth.

-They're saying it's the truth.

-Jack, are you telling the truth, or are you telling them a BIG lie?

-It is...

-I'm going to stand. ..true.

-APPLAUSE

True. Every Christmas, Jack's dad does make the whole family stand up

to watch the Queen's Speech. My father made us stand one Christmas.

He'd pawned our sofa to pay his gambling debts.

Happy Christmas, Dad. A child doesn't forget these things.

Frankie, you're next.

When I was a child, I was scared that my entire life was a book

being read by a bear, and one day...

the bear would close the book and my life would end.

The first question is, what on earth made you stop thinking that?

I grew older and more rational. I thought...

-That's a matter of opinion!

-What age were you

when this rather peculiar thought came to you?

Quite early. But then, you know, up until I was maybe seven or eight, I was quite afraid of that.

So in a way your interior monologue was in the voice of a gruff bear?

I thought that there was a chance that my life was simply a fiction.

We've all felt that, haven't we?

Yeah, but not in a bear society.

What does the bear look like?

Was he a little cartoony bear, or did he look very natural, like a natural bear?

He was reading a book, so he didn't look that natural.

It came from a story book I had which was called Tell Me Another Story,

-and it was about a bear reading stories to his little bears.

-Did you have any relationship with him?

-Did you converse with him, or was he just reading?

-You can't converse with him!

He's in the bear's world.

You can't jump out of the book that is your life and talk to the person reading it, can you?

-You can't say, "Why is this happening, Bear?"

-No!

Otherwise, the bear's just going to go, "And then why is this happening, Bear?" said Frankie Boyle.

"I don't like this bit of the story. I'll stop reading it, shall I?"

"No, no, no!" screamed Frankie Boyle, "Don't stop reading the story,

"or it is the end of my life... This is definitely not suitable for little bears!"

APPLAUSE

David, time to make a decision.

All right. Well, what do you think?

I think it's a massive whopper.

I really want it to be true, so I'm going to say true, because I think it could be.

-I think it's true.

-A creative mind.

I do think it's true, because it's a very odd thing for them to have made up.

-So you're going to go for true?

-Yeah, I think we're going to go for true.

-You're saying it's true.

You say that it's true.

Frankie, were you telling the truth?

It's a lie.

It's a lie.

When Frankie was a child, he wasn't scared that his entire life was a book being read by a bear.

A Chinese philosopher once asked me,

"Am I a man dreaming he's a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he's a man?"

And I replied, "Do I get free crackers if my order comes to more than £10?"

Our next round is called The Ring of Truth,

in which I read out some amazing celebrity facts

and all our teams have to do is decide whether they're true or not.

David's team, take a look at this.

'At a terraced house in Ramsgate, a family settle down to watch the television,

'but the pictures on screen

'are from a rather special, but unusual, event.

'The people here are watching their granny's ashes

'being blasted into the sky.

'Her family say she was slightly eccentric, with a great sense of humour.

'It was her stated wish that her ashes be placed in a rocket and blasted heavenwards.

'This was the event itself.'

Here we go. Here we go.

All right, Granny!

Yes, Granny's gone to a better place...next door's garden.

Well, here is the related fact, then, for David's team.

They offered Mick Jagger and it seems too good an opportunity

-to waste.

-IMITATES MICK JAGGER:

-Mick Jagger!

It's not up there with my Ronnie Corbett, I'm not going to say for a second that it is,

-but it was worth an airing.

-But what would Ronnie Corbett sound like if he was singing a Mick Jagger song?

-IMITATES RONNIE CORBETT:

-Ha-ha! I can't get no satisfaction.

Don't try and look like you weren't pleased to be asked!

All right. On we go.

Um, an Australian novelty firm called Trend Connection,

they were the ones, they offered Mick Jagger £20 million for his ashes.

And the plan was for a share of the profits to go back to Mick Jagger's estate.

On top of the £20 million? Oh, does he get the £20 million...?

-He gets it now.

-Now, before dying?

-Yes.

-And they just sort of hang around with some paraffin and...

Well, these things were going to be...

They asked Jagger's permission to market small portions of his ashes

in collectible hourglasses costing 1 million each.

I mean, dignity hasn't always been that man's priority,

but even for him, it is quite undignified

to have your remains spread around the houses of a lot of vulgar millionaires

and using it to time their breakfasts.

So what are you going to say, then?

What do you think, Kelvin?

I think it's so ridiculous, it must be true.

Kelvin's been better at the guessing than me, so I think we should go with Kelvin.

So we're going to go with true.

You're saying it's true. All right.

Well, let me tell you this - it is true.

APPLAUSE

Mick Jagger has been asked by a company if they could sell

his ashes in collectible egg timers when he dies.

Actually, Mick doesn't want to be cremated.

He wants to decompose naturally, a process Keith Richards started 30 years ago.

LAUGHTER

At the end of that round, it's Lee in the lead with three points to two.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This Is My..., where we bring

on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the connection to the guest,

and Lee's team spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Terry.

APPLAUSE

So, Kelvin, what is Terry to you?

Well, this is Terry, and he built the nuclear bunker in my garden.

-All right. David?

-This is Terry, and he's the policeman who was called out

when I was caught trying to break into the window of my own flat.

All right. And Jack?

This is Terry, The Mean Machine, Fraser, and he is teaching me to wrestle.

Right. So there we have it. Lee's team, where on earth do you begin?

Kelvin, how many people can fit into this bunker?

I bet it's just one, you selfish git! "Sorry, love!"

Four at a push.

A push!

So why do you want one in the first place?

It's a dangerous world out there, and I want to be protected and I want to protect those closest to me.

-If there's a nuclear war, I don't want to live.

-Neither do I. I'm with you.

I don't want to come out of a shelter and try and rebuild society.

And find Kelvin MacKenzie skipping around saying, "I'm in charge!"

I have no skills. I mean, society is destroyed by nuclear war.

Basically, we're back to the Bronze Age.

How long is it going to be before people start pitching panel shows again?

It's going to be at least 2,000 years.

I can just see you in a Mad Max type of society as everyone's holding off a biker gang,

and you're going, "I can think of an amusing reason why one of these four might be the odd one out."

-So, Kelvin, there's four people that can fit in this bunker?

-Yeah.

So you only have three people in the world that you care about?

-That is true.

-So there's us two and who else?

Ronnie Corbett, um...

We can live for another 20 years at the world's shittest party!

-OK, Jack, why are you learning how to wrestle?

-Because I'm a big wrestling fan.

I've always liked wrestling.

-What kind of wrestling?

-I like WWE.

-WWE?!

Yeah, World Wrestling Entertainment.

-Oh, I thought it was WWF.

-Oh, it's changed now.

They had to change it, because the World Wildlife Fund sued them. That's not a joke.

-That's why they had to change it.

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

-Do you really like it?

-Yeah, I do. I saw a man who was, like, 7'4" in little spandex undies,

and I felt alive. It was amazing!

How long have you been learning for?

-I've done one lesson, but I'm going to do some more.

-One lesson?

-It was good.

-What are you learning for?

-I want to be able to wrestle.

Who studies this as martial arts?

You see all the posters, right - tae kwon do, karate, judo, whatever.

"I'm going to go and learn how to wrestle like a big pretend American!"

Jack, can you tell us the name of five famous wrestlers?

The Rock, Hulk Hogan, the Undertaker...

-Go on.

-Shelton Benjamin.

-That's a bloody solicitor's!

-Shelton Benjamin is a wrestler!

-Is he?

-Please don't tell me that you've accidentally been represented in law by...

All right, David, remind us again.

This is Terry, the policeman, who was called out

when I was caught trying to break into the window of my own flat.

-Do we believe that, Christine?

-I can believe you were trying to break into

your own flat for whatever bizarre reason, but I'm not so sure...

To live there. To continue to live there.

I locked myself out. I had a plumber round trying to unblock a drain.

I find it difficult to imagine you holding a conversation with a plumber as he did the job.

-Did you actually speak to him in your house?

-Yes.

Did you have a glove puppet on?

"Ah, little David is very pleased with your work.

"Would you like a cup of tea?"

Your genuine view of me is I would be unable to converse with a plumber.

I'd have to create another character.

"Please excuse my mute friend.

"You can't say a thing, can you?"

Mmm-mmm. "Anyway, I'm in charge!

"That sink no longer functions!

"Silence, you!"

You've not covered how the police got involved in this whole...

A policeman, Terry, turned up, and I think had been called by a neighbour.

All right. So we need an answer.

So, Lee's team, is Terry Kelvin's bunker builder,

David's investigating officer, or Jack's wrestling teacher?

The only thing that's true about any of this is that I do believe that Jack might be into wrestling.

I reckon it's got to be Kelvin.

He seems like the sort of paranoid nutcase who might have too much time on his hands.

At the minute, I'm going to go with Kelvin. I think he might be telling the truth.

-I'll go with my team, then.

-So you're saying it's Kelvin?

OK. Right. Now, Terry, would you like to reveal your true identity?

I'm Terry Fraser.

I'm The Mean Machine, and I taught Jack how to wrestle.

APPLAUSE

Terry, The Mean Machine, Fraser, is teaching Jack to wrestle. Now, show us together what you can do.

-Are you ready for this?

-I'm ready.

This show gets more and more like The Generation Game!

-This is the basic slam. OK. Wait, wait, wait.

-Whoa!

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

That's fine, Terry.

Frankie, you're no longer the scariest person on the show. Are you OK?

Yeah! I think so.

I've done one lesson.

I'm not very good.

I've got to be honest, you didn't win!

Can I just ask, during the lesson, did you get the impression you were annoying Terry?

So, at the end of that round, David's team have three points and Lee's team have three.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-Fire Lies,

in which our panellists lie against the clock.

Now, the scores are tied, so there's everything to play for.

We start with... It's Lee.

If you give me any date before the year 2000, I can instantly tell you what day of the week it was.

Bollocks.

Is this something you learn, or is this a kind of, you know, Rain Man-type thing?

-No, no, I had to learn...

-You learnt how to do it?

-I learnt the system.

-What's the system?

The system is, what you do is you actually just learn...

-You learn one...

-You're sitting there trying to think of a system, and what you're plumping for is,

you actually just learn what day of the week every day is.

You can't go back to 14BC, but I can do it right the way back to the sort of 1920s, 1930s,

and what you do is you learn a midway, so you learn one particular point in 1955,

three months in 1955, you learn it off by heart, those 90 days,

and then there's a calculation you can do...

What's that calculation?

Take a day from your expert period, around Suez or whenever it was.

-Well, you'd have to give me the exact year...

-I don't mind.

-Right, the 14th of May, 1955.

-Hang on. The 14th of May 1955...

Tuesday.

And so how do you extrapolate from your knowledge of that

to go back to the 1920s to the 23rd of June, 1927?

Dead simple. It's seven - hang on - to the power of two.

Then you take away 10%, unless it's a leap year.

And is it a leap year, 1955?

Of course not, you idiot. I was 54.

Of course...

This one - did you hear that?

Is '55 a leap year? Did you hear that?

He's Oxbridge-educated!

None of the years is a leap year. Seven to the power of two...

-Seven to the power of two is 49. Minus 10%.

-So you've got 44.1.

-Correct. I was going to say that.

-That's not a day of the week, that's 44.1.

It is. If you round it up or round it down, which is 44.

44, key of the door, 21 - two and one is three, Sunday's the first day. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.

Well done!

APPLAUSE

So, David, you think it's true?

-I think it's true.

-I think it's a lie.

-I think it's clever. I think it's true.

We all know what day of week we were born on

and if you tell me your date of birth, I'll tell you what day.

-OK. 14th of July, 1974.

-Is that your birthday?

-Yeah.

You were born on a...Thursday.

-Looking at the demographic of this audience, this will be a shock - 22/10/46.

-BC!

-Do you know the day of the week you were born?

-No.

-Well, that's handy. Thursday.

Lie.

You're saying it's a lie. OK, Lee, are you telling a lie?

Of course I'm telling a lie.

Yes, it's a lie. Next...Christine.

LAUGHTER

A Coronation Street star once made me remove all the red M&Ms from a bowl for him.

Which Coronation Street star? My mum watches this, so I'm good.

-Adam Rickitt.

-Adam Rickitt.

I should tell you that Adam Rickitt played Gail Tilsley's son.

Oh, right. Well, that's really figured it for me.

Didn't he go off to Canada, or... He went off, didn't he?

I don't watch it, my darling. They just told me.

-I've never worked with such a bunch of snobs in my life.

-I know!

In what context did you meet him?

I met him when he was a guest on a show in BBC Northern Ireland.

So what were you doing on the show?

I was working behind the scenes, which is what I used to do.

-What as?

-A floor manager.

You did make the move from being a studio manager to in front of the screen, didn't you?

-Yep, yes.

-She hasn't made the move in front of the screen. That would be annoying.

You're going, "Christine, love, would you get out of the way, please?"

Er, what do you think?

-Lie.

-And you?

-Go on, then. What do you think?

-I think it's a lie.

Well, my views don't count, then, do they?

You're saying lie. OK. Christine, true or lie?

It is actually true.

APPLAUSE

How did this request come through to you? What did he say?

You see, we get rider lists, for sort of big names.

What's on your rider list?

This is when I'm on tour - flapjacks, raspberries,

a Diet Coke, two still mineral waters, grapes and blueberries.

Rock 'n' roll, Rob, rock 'n' roll.

-You don't look like this without effort!

-LAUGHTER

What a very particular list of things.

That's why it's a LIST, Frankie.

What's on your rider? Six cans of bitter and a knife!

Six cans of bitter for a teetotal alcoholic.

Only Frankie Boyle could complain that I said bitter and not mention the knife!

SCOTTISH ACCENT: "I'll take the knife, but don't accuse me of drinking!"

-BUZZER SOUNDS

-That means only one thing. It is the end of the show.

And I can reveal that David's team have five, and in what we call a tie, Lee's team have five.

APPLAUSE

But of course, it's not just a team game,

and my individual liar of the week this week is Kelvin MacKenzie.

APPLAUSE

It's Kelvin's biggest award since Elton John's £1,000,000 damages against him in 1987. Goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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