Episode 6 Would I Lie to You?

Tonight on Would I Lie To You, the queen of evictions, Davina McCall,

the prince of non-fiction, Dave Gorman,

and their team captain David Mitchell.

And facing them tonight, she's no dummy, Janet Street-Porter,

he's from The Mummy, Omid Djalili,

and their team captain Lee Mack.

And here's your host, Rob Brydon.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show that rewards the very best liars.

Research shows that 51% of Scottish women lie to get out of lovemaking.

"Och, I'm allergic to bins."

Lovely image, isn't it?

And psychologists claim that laughing at a joke you don't find funny is a form of lying.

I disagree, I think it's good manners.

And I'll thank you all to remember that.

And so to round one, Home Truths, where our panellists take it in turns

to read out a statement about themselves from the card in front of them.

They haven't seen what's on the card yet.

It could be a truth, it could be a lie, but it's definitely a card.

-Janet is first up. Janet, reveal all.

-Right.

SHE EXHALES

LAUGHTER

I wrote my will

on a bit of cardboard

when I thought the plane I was in was about to crash.

Well, certainly, yes, she was, I would say, TRYING to make it look like

she was amazed by the ridiculous thing on the card...

But maybe she was amazed by the ridiculous thing on the card

because I imagine, if a plane crashed,

one of the things that would perish along with the humans...

would be the cardboard.

-So, um...

-Are you asking me to comment on that?

-Well, I-I-I...

-I think he's just suggesting that you should have written your will on the black box.

-Yes.

That's logistically impossible. Aren't they locked in the cabins now? Sorry to argue with you.

-No, I... You see, I don't think the black box solution was workable either.

-OK!

I think when they talk about when they find the black box, what they do is, it's a recording,

they play rather than, say, read what's written on it.

You mean I could have just got in the pilots' cabin and just screamed my will at them?

You could have got on the radio and said, "Never mind 'Mayday, Mayday.' Take this down!"

Was it cardboard and not paper?

LAUGHTER

-It was a packet.

-Of what?

LAUGHTER

Do you always look this cheesed off when you're thinking?

I've got so many cogs whirring in my brain I'm just trying to control them.

-So many what, sorry?

-Cogs.

-Oh.

Unlike you Rob, my IQ makes double figures.

ALL: Oooh!

I think it's triple figures you're aiming at.

LAUGHTER

-It was a film packet.

-Why did you think it would work?

I was panicking. The bloody plane was crashing, you're not logical, are you?

What were you writing?

Were you writing bits and bobs for each person or was it like everything...?

I was leaving everything to the person I was with.

But he was in the plane with you!

LAUGHTER

You're on my side. Don't mess it up!

Think of me as a lawyer, everything has to come through me.

Well, presumably it didn't crash because thankfully you're with us and you know...

No, we thought it was going to crash and the plane had problems with the landing gear.

-Well, David, you've heard a fair old testimony here.

-Well, I don't think,

-Janet doesn't strike me as a moron...

-She will do by the end of the night.

-All right.

And I think to write a will on something that will burn more quickly than you will

is a moronic act.

But the only thing that worries me was the beginning when she looked at it, I felt that she was acting.

And you think, "She knows what she's reading because it's the truth!"

I think it was double bluff at the beginning, it's probably true.

-You think it was true?

-Yes.

-And you think it was true?

-I think it could be.

-I don't think it is, but I'm happy to be out-voted. We think it's true.

-You say it's true.

Janet, is it fact or fiction?

True.

Yes, I was right(!)

-How did you guess it?

-Yes, it's all true.

Janet wrote her will on a bit of cardboard when she thought the plane she was on was about to crash.

Passengers heard a terrifying whining noise, an unearthly screeching.

It was Janet asking for an extra blanket.

-Davina is next up. Davina, reveal all.

-Yes.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

I have two chillies tattooed on my back but I'm having them covered up because they look like carrots.

Lee's team, what do you think of that faltering delivery?

-Whereabouts are they on your back?

-They're on this side.

-I know where the back is!

-They're down on my shoulder.

-When did you have them done?

-Ah...15, 20 years ago.

Why did you choose the two red chillies?

Um...I was in Bali

and, uh...we were, uh... on an island called Lombok...

-"We"? I don't remember this.

-And Lombok...

Was this during my drinking phase?

-I know you've got tattoos.

-What are the other tattoos?

Um, horns.

-Where's that?

-On my hips.

-One on each side?

-Yeah.

What, so your belly button looks like a ram's nose?

-Not my belly button...

-What?

She said, "Not my belly button..."

Nice. A bit of sauce from McCall, I like it.

Did you choose chillies so that if a bloke came across them he'd think, "She's hot stuff?"

Yeah, well, I would think that if people didn't think they were carrots.

Either that or you're something I don't want in my mouth for too long.

So you were in Bali. Who were you in Bali with?

-My boyfriend at the time.

-Changed now?

-Yeah.

-Right.

-15 years ago.

-And...

That's fair enough, Lee.

-You all right with that?

-I'm fine with that, yeah.

-15 years ago.

-Relationships change, you know.

-Yeah I know, I'm starting to dislike you.

-What do you reckon?

-What do you think, Janet?

-It's a lie.

-Fib. A big fib.

-Omid?

-Lie. Definitely.

Omid says it like he's passing sentence.

I actually think it's true, but my team think it's not true and who am I to overrule...

her?

-So Lee, I really do need a...

-OK, I'll go with my team and say that is in fact a lie.

You're saying it's a lie. Davina McCall, is it true or is a lie?

Oh...true.

I was just about to support you.

-LEE:

-Let's have a look then!

-I need somebody to help me...

-I'll do it!

LAUGHTER

Get out!

Carrots, right?

LAUGHTER

-Carrots.

-Oh, yeah.

-Definitely carrots.

-Very carroty.

-I got done.

-Yeah.

Give me a moment just to let the blood come back to my head.

Um, yes, it's true, Davina is having her tattoos of chillies covered up because they look like carrots.

Davina was inspired to have the chillies done after a wild holiday in Lombok, Indonesia.

Similarly, David has a very striking tattoo on his back

of the wonderful Tiverton Steam Museum.

Omid, your turn to confess all.

It says, "Read with accent."

LAUGHTER

-IRANIAN ACCENT:

-"Do I have a bomb strapped under my shirt?"

That's in very poor taste! That's in very poor taste.

APPLAUSE

No, that's obviously a lie.

Or is it?

LAUGHTER

I am launching my own range of condiments including Omid Djalili Piccalilli.

-So...

-If you're not, you've got to!

Who approached you about launching a range of condiments?

Uh...Penguin Books.

It's true. That's where their money comes from.

Barry Norman has a range of pickled onions out.

-Through Penguin Books?

-I don't know about Penguin Books,

but Barry Norman has jars of pickled onions on the market.

-I don't believe that.

-Well, like Paul Newman with his salad dressing.

They were trying to make this Paul Newman thing happen

but I said, "I've only done a few bit parts in a few films," and they said,

"You're well-known in comedy and we're trying to get this thing Djalili piccalilli,

"there'll be other products as well, Djalili chilli, all kinds of things with "lili" at the end."

So why did Penguin Books, I mean, just... Is it to go with the book?

They wanted me to write a book but I didn't feel I was

old enough or experienced enough to write about my life...

So you said, "How about I do some spices and sauces instead?"

I didn't, they did. There was somebody in the meeting who has a sideline in condiments.

So Penguin Books said, "We'd love you to do a book."

You said, "No, no, I won't do a book."

"OK, oh dear, he won't do a book, that was a good idea.

"Any chance of some condiments? Cos in the office next door

"there's a guy and, basically, what he's just been working on

"is some pickled onions with Barry Norman and, you know, brilliantly,

"your name rhymes with some condiments."

-Yes.

-"Particularly piccalilli, which we want to introduce to a new generation."

-Re-introduce.

-That's not his real name. His real name's Djobasco Sauce.

-God, I'm really confused.

-Absolutely.

-I think it's gone so weird that it's true.

I think, well, stranger things have happened, but I think only about six, ever.

But the books thing can't be true, can it?

It's such a strange thing to make up, if it's a lie, that makes me think it is true.

You see, I think... What I'm worried that we're in danger of doing here

is having heard something that is absurd and obviously not true

and saying that, therefore, it must be true.

-So come on, what's it going to be?

-I think we think it's a lie,

but I'd like to say that if it's true, what a wonderful world!

You're saying it's a lie. OK, Omid Djalili, is it fact or is it fiction?

It's absolute crap.

It's a lie.

Omid is not launching his own range of condiments including Omid Djalili Piccalilli.

That's quite clearly a lie.

Actually, Omid did once release his gentleman's relish in a supermarket.

To this day he's banned from ASDA.

Our next round is called The Ring Of Truth, where I'll be reading out some strange celebrity facts but

will I be lying through my teeth or telling the truth through my teeth?

Lee's team, take a look at this.

It seems to me that it's highly likely that pigeons,

like any other sort of bird, are going to have regional accents.

You've got a pigeon here in Scotland that was born ten years ago and has lived

in Scotland ever since, so we're going to get quite a nice pronounced Scots accent, with a bit of luck.

RECORDING OF PIGEON COOING

If you keep going south and drop down maybe...

maybe even as far south as Putney,

you're going to get a nice cockney accent developing from your pigeons.

RECORDING OF PIGEON COOING

And there's a nice little wing flap.

There we are.

I love the fact, you know, how much they patronise me on this show.

-We're four nil down...

-Yes.

-They're thinking, "Give Lee a chance, ask him a question about pigeons."

-He'll understand that, he's from the north.

-That's your dad filmed two weeks ago.

My dad's dead.

Was he dead two weeks ago?

-He wasn't actually, no...

-Good point, Dave(!)

So here is the related fact for Lee's team.

Do you believe that, Lee's team?

-It's been well documented that Mike Tyson breeds pigeons.

-So they have their own suite?

-Yes.

-What if the pigeon called down for room service?

The woman on reception must be going, "It's just a dialling tone."

"Rrrrrrrrr..."

This is a world in which the pigeon has lifted the receiver and pressed the button for room service?

He invited several journalists up to his hotel suite where the eight pigeons were perched

on the wardrobe in the bedroom and he said to one of the journalists,

-WITH LISP:

-"Be careful where you sit..."

-That's... That's that British one.

-That's Chris Eubank.

Chrith Eubank. Yeth it'th a thame it'th not about Chrith, becauth I could do a really good Chrith.

Oh, that's really good!

-I know. It's such a shame it's about bloody Tyson isn't it?

-Bummer.

-Do Terry Wogan!

-AS WOGAN:

-Oh, be careful where you sit.

-AS WOGAN:

-Franz Ferdinand.

Davina, I've heard that you do a very good pigeon impression, and if that's true I'd love to hear it.

She's going to shit on the bonnet of a car, isn't she?

-Very impressed with how you're centring...

-Brrrb!

Oh, I'm sorry!

-I spoke over it. Do it again.

-Do it again!

-Brrrb, brrrb.

-That's great.

Oh, lovely, well done. There we are.

So Lee, let's have your guess then. Is it true or is it a lie?

You think he would actually book a hotel for his pigeons?

He loves them that much he'd book a hotel room for them?

You're paving the way for me to be in the doghouse again, aren't you?

Is that a chat-up line?

No. We've got nought points.

No, I'm just working out, you're already regretting having me on your team...

-I didn't have a choice.

-And if I get this wrong...

I've been in a room with him and he's got such a scary atmosphere around him,

I imagine something like that would be true.

-You think it's true?

-Yeah.

-I think it's true!

I don't think it's true but I'll go with my team again.

And so far their track record has been brilliant.

The team is saying true...

It's true.

Mike Tyson did once rent a hotel suite for his eight favourite pigeons.

Which means, at the end of that round, it's David in the lead by four points to one.

Our next round is called This Is My..., where we bring on a mystery guest who has

a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it will

be up to David's team to spot who is telling the truth, so please welcome this week's special guest, Sadie.

Hello.

So Lee, what is Sadie to you?

This is Sadie, she's my children's nanny,

and the first time I met her I ran over her foot.

-OK. Omid?

-This is Sadie and I employ her to massage my dog.

That's not a euphemism!

And finally, Janet.

Sadie came to my 60th birthday party, pretended to be a waitress so she could lick Daniel Craig's plate.

So there we have it. David's team, where do you want to start?

Can I just check, do you know Lee? Have you been to his house?

I can just remember his name.

-Wouldn't you know his nanny?

-No.

-OK.

-Because if I knew Lee's nanny

I would either have gone, "That's Lee's nanny,"

-or, "That's not Lee's nanny."

-Could I just point out...

-So no.

Hang on, she's my children's nanny! I'm not a complete moron.

-She's not MY nanny!

-And now this running over the foot business?

-Yeah?

This was the first time you met her?

-Correct.

-And the circumstances were?

I was in me car.

-And she was on the driveway?

-Correct.

And what happened immediately after the foot running over moment?

"Ow."

Can you...

can you roll that forward?

"Ow. That was my foot."

You see, she's laughing quite a lot now as if, like,

-"I have to laugh, it's my employer."

-Yeah.

But this wasn't how you met her. You didn't run over her foot and say, "You look like a good nanny."

It was the first time she arrived at the house.

-I'd never met her before, my wife...

-So your wife had interviewed her and said...

Yeah, I can finish my own sentences!

My wife had interviewed her, actually you were correct, yes.

Omid, why do you have to get your dog massaged?

First of all, it's my kids' dog, we've had the dog about seven years.

They wanted to get a masseuse because of arthritis.

It's a spaniel, so in dog years it's about 42, so it's quite early.

I didn't want to pay for a masseuse, but it could kill the dog.

-Couldn't somebody learn to massage? It's quite expensive.

-It's a very highly skilled thing. It is.

It's about £35 a session.

And how long are you going to have to do it? Until the dog dies?

We don't know. It may be indefinite.

You know you can have a dog put down for 30?

Janet, can I just check...?

Sadie came round to your house, pretended she was a waitress, she wanted to lick Daniel Craig's plate

-and you didn't just chuck her out and go, "You are weird, you are leaving?"

-No, I don't care.

There were a lot of people at the party and Sadie was at the party, Daniel Craig was at the party...

Sorry, so Sadie was invited to the party?

-Yes.

-The waitress act was in order to gain access to the plate?

-Yes.

-So what she did is, instead of approaching...

-I didn't go through the ins and outs of it,

-I was being...

-Why not?

-Because it was my bloody birthday! I was getting trashed,

I was having a good time like anyone here tonight would do. You know.

-Right.

-Just because you're 60, love, doesn't mean you can't get off your trolley.

The question is, why do you think that Sadie, instead of using her position as a party guest

-to talk to Daniel Craig, which is legitimate at a party, I think you would agree...

-Right...

-Go on, have him!

-You're really getting on my wick now.

Have you met anyone famous in your career?

Really famous?

If you met Daniel Craig could you actually speak?

-No.

-There you go.

-She's right.

Answer.

So are you going to walk over and stand there in answer to every question from me?

We're all a bit scared now.

Hey, I'm most scared, because I'm closest!

All right, we need an answer.

So David's team, is Sadie a nanny whose foot Lee ran over,

Omid's dog masseuse,

or a plate-licking pretend waitress at Janet's party?

Janet couldn't look at Sadie when she walked in, and I thought maybe that's

-because she really had licked it, embarrassingly.

-It's just odd.

I'm leaning... I think it's Omid or Janet and I'm leaning towards Janet on this one.

-Right, I'm going Janet.

-OK, well, let's go Janet.

-You're saying Janet.

OK, Sadie, would you like to reveal your true identity?

-Yes, I posed a waitress, yes, I cleared Daniel Craig's plate away and yes, I licked it clean.

-Wow.

Can I just say, Sadie, you sound very broad-minded...!

LAUGHTER

Sadie, ladies and gentlemen.

So, at the end of that round, David's team have five, Lee's team are catching up with one.

Which brings us onto our final round we call Quick-Fire Lies.

Lee's team are currently way behind so they need to make a comeback, starting with,

oh, David Mitchell.

The screensaver on my phone is a photo of my living room carpet.

-You've got a mobile phone.

-Yeah.

That's bloody London for you, eh?

Is he telling the truth?

Well, if anyone's capable of this...

What colour is the carpet?

Sort of, um

very bright beige.

I like the fact you thought, "Beige might be boring, I'll jazz it up a bit."

Why would you take a photograph of your carpet?

-Well, um, I've got a mobile phone which is the same model phone that many people have...

-Yes.

And I needed a way of distinguishing it from others that might get left at a table in a meeting

-and then you and go, "I immediately recognise this, it's the one with the..."

-Picture of the carpet.

-The beige carpet.

-I might have done it once a long time ago.

You know, he's done something on that carpet.

-Oh, he hasn't, has he?

-That's why he's got it on his phone...

Oh, not again! I told you, I'll rub your nose in it.

-So you think?

-I think you've done something.

You might photograph your carpet, you wouldn't photograph a beige carpet.

-So what do we say, true or false?

-I think it's false.

-False.

You're saying it's a lie. OK, so, David, is it true or is it a lie?

It is in fact true.

Well, ah, David,

-the obvious question. Would you please whip it out and let us have a look?

-Absolutely, there you go.

Oh, we have a close up, actually, and there it is. It's true.

The screensaver on David's phone is a photo of his living room carpet.

It's the first time an Ericsson's got a close up of a bit of carpet

since Sven went out with Ulrika.

Originally David had a picture of his bed on his phone but got

embarrassed about his Hannah Montana duvet cover.

Next up, Lee.

-Oh, possession.

-Oh, you've got to pick the box up then from under the desk.

Well, you say box.

-Oh, sorry, the tube, the tube.

-Oh, yes.

This is my wall map of the UK.

I have marked every service station that I have ever visited on it.

I can so see him doing that.

Yes. This from a man who was criticising somebody else for photographing a beige carpet.

Wow.

Sorry, are they little stickers?

-Sorry?

-There are two colours of stickers.

-There are two colours of stickers.

-What do they represent?

-These are the orange ones, the orange ones.

-Yeah.

-And I've also done blue ones.

-But why?

-Why?

-So I could differentiate between the two types of service stations.

-But why? What...

-I'm about to tell you.

-OK, well, come on!

-Give me a second.

Sometimes Lee likes to finish his own sentences, sometimes not.

They are basically two differentiating service stations.

I use orange if I am heading north and blue if I am heading south.

Or if I am heading west I also go for blue and east I go for orange.

Well, you have headed north a lot more than you've headed west or east.

How did you get back here?

-Well, they're about equal if you count them.

-Looks like there are loads more orange!

Now that one in Scotland there in the top...

I can't believe you know where Scotland is, well done!

-Near Inverness there's one.

-That one there?

-Reminisce about that.

Do you know, I will. I will reminisce about that.

I went in, went through the main pasty area where I ordered my Ginsters pasty

and may I say, Aberdeen service station, it was absolutely the perfect temperature.

-This is hurting my arm.

-OK, put it down.

-One more question though...

-Can we have a look at it?

-Can we have a look?

You'll spoil it with the details.

-If they want to have a look, they can.

-Can they?

-Yes.

These are all motorway service... You're all coming, are you?

Yes. There's an F and an asterisk, what do they denote?

They denote "fantastic" and, ah, the asterisk is, er... there's not a word, blows my mind.

-Blows my mind, the asterisk.

-And how many years of touring does this represent?

Oh, it's not just touring. I'll do it when I'm on holiday, I'll do it wherever I go.

You know when you said there's about the same number of orange and blue?

There's seven blues and 33 oranges.

You're going to be laughing on the other side of your face when in the next round I say I am colour blind.

-So David, it's time to take a guess.

-Aberdeen service station doesn't ring true.

With the Aberdeen one, that's right outside Aberdeen,

so you stopped at a service station about six minutes after departing.

If it's on empty, I stop and fill it up.

-Certainly.

-Which, 33 times out of 40, happens when heading north.

-Yes, it's uphill.

-Lie, lie.

-You're saying lie, quite conclusively.

Lee, is it the truth or is it in fact a lie?

It is in fact a lie.

It's a lie. That's not...

Could I just say, to the idiots that come up with these questions,

as if it's not hard enough that I put little stickers on a map because I fill up...

They'll think, "How can we make it harder?"

We'll have four of them with blue on, one with an F and one with a bloody asterisk.

How the hell am I supposed to do that?

Why don't you just stick one in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?

BUZZER

And there's the buzzer that signals the end of the show and I can reveal,

in a very, very tight contest, I mean there's very little between them, um,

David's team have won by seven points to three.

But of course, it's not just a team game

and my individual liar of the week this week is Davina McCall.

I'm pleased to say you will have another chance to catch Davina's best bits

on Would I Lie To You's Little Brother's Big Brother's Extra Factor It Takes Two

Big Mouth Champion of Champions The Aftermath. Goodnight!

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